Rock Of Love 2 week 6 - Once a Cowgirl or “Get it? Her name is Rodeo? And this is a rodeo?”

No one was eliminated last week, but two girls go home tonight.  The drama!  I am so tense.  No, wait, I have to pee. BRB.  AFK, ROFLWTFBBQ!!!11one

OK, time to whore it up.

My nicknames for the lovely ladies that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - Sequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon. *UPDATE* Also, as per “`” (that’s the commenter’s name!) Peggy Bundy Redux
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Sidebar: What the fuck do Salt-N-Pepa have a reality show for?  Do they hate each other now or something?  WTFBBQ?  My Tivo caught the last 60 seconds of something to which even I, watcher of virtually anything, will not stoop.

- Recap this week is some crap about the mudbowl and Daisy’s big win, plus the girls who keep losing, plus KayJay’s crazy baggage.

- We open with the usual scene of whores sleeping late...then Douche breaks tradition and wakes the girls up.  There’s no point whatsoever.  So that was a thing that happened.

- John (with bandanna, sans guyliner) hands over the poemlyricshitwriting of the day, about the cowgirl horse riding event for this episode.  Pabst Bundy Redux is excited.  She’s a horse chick.  20 bucks says a horse took her virginity, and I am not referring to any run-of-the-mill hymen breakage.  I’m talking Tijuana style, bitches.

- Back at the ranch, Douche says that “there’s a lot of country left in this long haired rocker boy.” What country?  You’re from Pennsylvania, and you moved to Los Angeles.  You’ve never lived anywhere else.  What fucking “country” you got in you?  Did you eat parts of John Denver’s corpse?

That’s probably it.  I think Bret Michaels dug up the body of John Denver and ate pieces of it just so later in life he could say he had some country in him.  Either that or he let a sheep farmer fuck him in the ass.  I bet he wishes he could quit that.

- Again we’re emphasizing the “win challenges, win dates” meme.  Then Rodeo rides out cackling like a dying hyena.  Donna notes that Rodeo gets a “confessional” type promo, while Lacey got not a god-damned word said about her.  Well, yeah.  Lacey’s a frightening cunt, besides, Douche already dipped his pen in that company inkwell.  He still needs a shot at Rodeo.

- “Rodeo’s Rockin’ Rodeo Relay.” OK.  Either Bret named that, or the PA that really ghost-writes those shit-tastic poemlyric things named it.  Also, awesome-ometer; 1.

- Three event relay.  First they have to rope a steer, then dodge the barrels of fallen cowgirls

then pull bandannas off greased pigs.  That reminds me of an old saying: You should never wrestle with greasy rockers.  You end up with thirteen social diseases, and it makes the rocker think his shit doesn’t stink.

Hey, that’s the way I heard it.

- Team captains: Hombre and PBR.  Hombre (Red team) picks Superworms, KayJay, Fivehead.  PBR (Blue team) picks SRB, Sequel, Muppetface and Chazz is left out again.  Chazz-fessional:

“Turmoil of hotness?” WTF?  OK, to be fair, she has a killer body.  But her face is...meh.  average at best.  If her head was attached to an average body, no one would ever notice her, and she would either be forced to do porn to earn money, or she’d have to sell herself into white slavery in Dubai...because fuck knows she couldn’t learn a skill or a trade.  That is one dumb bitch right there.

Oh, she doesn’t get left out...she gets to pick the team she wants to be on.  She picks PBR.  That seems unfair, but then this is a VH1 reality show full of the whoriest whores that ever whored, so what the fuck do I care about fair?

- Red team assigns duties.  KayJay is the roper, Hombre dodges barrels and Superworms and Fivehead are fighting with the pigs as they are not injured from the mudbowl.  Blue team: Sequel on the lasso, PBR running the barrels and the three other broads wrestling pigs.  See, this is where it’s not fair.  They get three people wresting pigs.  I CALL SHENANIGANS!  Someone call the UN.  This shit is against international law ro something.  Fucking Bret Michaels.  I bet he’s a terrorist.  Hey, if I stopped writing “Bret Michaels is a douchebag” and started writing “Bret Michaels is a terrorist” do you think Google, and later maybe the CIA, would pick up on it?

How awesome would that be, if I could single-handedly get Bret Michaels on a terrorist watch list?  Hey, a boy’s gotta have a dream.  A dream that doesn’t involve pickles and sun god robes, anyway.

- The challenge starts.KayJay gets an early lead, then PBR pulls ahead.  It’s all down to the pig wrestling.

- Douche thinks this is the funniest thing in his life.  As it turns out, having three chicks is no advantage.  Two all.  Daisy’s turn.  “These pigs are like, seriously, they went to college or something because they’re a lot smarter than they look.” Uhh...nevermind. 

- It’s one left each.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD vs. Fivehead.  Inna is walking her pig down like Jason Vorhees and shit.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  meanwhile, back on the ranch, SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is stalking her pig.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PIG EATS YOU!  She eats mud over and over.  Fivehead grabs her bandanna and whattya know.  Red team wins.  Who will get the solo date?  Fivehead maybe and then get cut anyway?  I mean at some point they need to show us a reason why she’s still on the god-damned show.

- Early prediction: Jessica and Catherine get cut.  That could change though.  Donna has a feeling Chazz is going.  PBR is teh upsetz.

- Awesome-ometer; 2.

- Fivehead gets the solo.  Douche manages to douche-fessional a sexual innuendo about the pigs.  What, no “makin bacon” joke?  I’m shocked.

- Awesome-ometer: 3.

- Back to the house.  PBR is doing a Dead Man Walking routine.  Hombre is really fucked up from the football game.  Both legs are all bruised and scraped and covered in cuts.

- Peg Bundy is all freaked out.  She’s 0 for 4 in the challenges.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is consoling her by the fire, but whore-fessionals that PBR can get the fuck out as far as she;s concerned.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, FACES HAVE TWO OF YOU!

- What is that firepit burning, some kind of gel fuel or something?

- Damn.  KayJay in a schoolgirl skirt.

- The group date begins.  Let us not forget, KayJay and Superworms hate each other, remember?  Even though last week she picked her for football and didn’t feud with her at all…

- They go to Opaque (Warning: audio!  So fucking annoying).  It’s the place in LA that does the “dining in total darkness” shit.  Fuck.  That.  I like to see my food.  I like to know what I am eating and how much of each element is on my fork.  I enjoy all the parts of food, not just the taste.  plus, they could be masturbating in the chicken and I would just think it was a glaze or something.  No. Fucking. Thank. You.  Plus I saw that CSI.  People die in these places.  What if Superlips decides to plunge a steak knife into KayJay’s beautiful titties?  She could borrow a pair of Soviet surplus night vision goggles from SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and get all stabby and Gil Grissom isn’t there to solve that shit.

Commercial.

- Back, and we’re all in the darkness.  Douche-fessional; “This is what the fine girls experienced while dining in the dark.” PAUSE.  What?  First off, that’s a pretty stupid way to say “What THESE fine girls who are with me experienced.” Secondly, uhh...you know they have night vision cameras, Douche.  We’re about to see what they experienced.  What the fuck is he talking about?

UNPAUSE. Oh, I see.  he was talking about the fact that Hombre was talking while he and KayJay were all over each other. 

Nice.  Classy.  Bret Michaels is such a classy gentleman.  Of course, KayJay is whoring it up big time.

“No, I can’t find you!” He’s a lying whorebag.  Can’t find them but he seems to have located KayJay’s breasts like a fucking bat with sonar.

- So It seems that KayJay got frisky and playfighty.  I can dig it.  Apparently he can’t.

HOLY FUCKING UNMANLY, BATMAN.  Jesus.  What the hell was that?  So then he says that it wasn’t a turn on.  The fucking greased pigs get sexual innuendo, but the hot Playboy model getting frisky and playfighting with him turns him off?

Bret Michaels is a douchebag, and to be honest, not to offend my gay and bi brothers, but he might be half-a-fag too.

- Time to trade seats.  It’s probably hard to tell, but they had to mosaic Superworms’ vagina when she stood up. 

Now, I realize that in the dark she may not realize her dress was halfway over her head.  But for fuck’s sake why isn’t she wearing underwear?  That dress is awfully short to be going commando.  You’d think that would be some sort of a turn-on, but quite frankly her upper mouth-lips are so scary that the idea of what her cooze-lips look like just makes my stomach do backflips.

Uh-oh.  KayJay and Superworms go to the little girls room together, so Hombre pounces on Douche to get those sloppy seconds.  How’s Kristy Joe’s dinner taste there, Ambre?

Speaking of taste, wouldn’t you be pissed if you paid to sponsor this show and no one mentioned a word about the fucking food?  It’s probably McDonalds.

- What the fuck?  Superworms and KayJay come out of the bathroom all chummy, and Superworms has her hand on Kristy Joe’s back, like in a friendly way.

I thought they were mortal enemies?  Oh and meanwhile Douche and Hombre are getting hot and breathy.  Like, loudly.  Douche: “I want you so bad.” Dude, you just want anyone.  Literally.

And we’re out of the darkness.

- Back to the house.  The ladies are all wound up and want to hang out with Bret, but he takes KayJay into the Douche Suite.  Gee, I wonder if they will fuck? he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is trying to rile up everyone else over the fact that Douche and Drama (See them this fall only on Lifetime!) are sequestered in the STD factory Bret calls a bed.  Commercial.

- Douche is talking to KayJay...basically saying that she’s still wrapped up with her old shit.  He wants to fuck her in the butt though.  Her response is that in the dark it wasn’t really in public, with everyone else fucking with her and so forth.  Douche-fessionals that she’s emotionally unstable, but he digs crazy girls and it’s turning him on.  Which directly contradicts what he said just prior to the commercial break, but consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.  Bret Michaels don’t need no fuckin’ consistency!  He’s married to the insatiable bitch-goddess that is rock & roll, man! 

“Fuck real feelings or any kind of honesty!  We got us a god-damned show to make!  Where all the pussy at?  Bring me some bitches to spread their meaty wings before the splendor that is my Poison-tipped arrow of love.  Chop chop!”

He asked her to stay and “hang, and watch a movie and nothing else” She’s all “lock the door.” he locked it.  So they fucked.  Everyone else is pissed.  Also, this is the “nothing else.”

- Oh my.  Daisy is so very, very upset about this.  Time passes.

- at 4:21 AM she creeps out to go back to her room.  “I’m really falling for Bret.” Oh for fuck;s sake.  Of course, KayJay is not all together mentally.  she;d probably fall for just about any half-decent looking dude who treated her like a doormat.  I’m not saying that all women who get naked for a living have daddy issues, but all women who get naked for a living have daddy issues, you know what I’m saying?

- Donna just said to me that this was douchey of Douche for another reason: it took away any chance that anyone else had to get even five minutes alone with him.  That is true, but they’ve been pushing the “win challenges and win dates or you lose out” meme for two or three weeks now.  That having been said, what the fucking fuck is Jessica still doing here?  Sure she was the big winner this week, but how did she last this long?

Top 5 reasons that Fivehead is still on Rock of Love:

5. Her father owns a tour bus rental company
4. Her uncle owns Peavey or Zildjian or some shit
3. Blowjobs
2. She has video of someone at VH1 with a dead girl or a live boy
1. Felching and bukkake.  I’ll say no more.

- Morning at the Douche crib. PBR decides to make breakfast in bed for Bret as a last-ditch effort to stay in the house.  Chazz likens PBR to an old horse you have to shoot.  Huh.  Whattya know.  Chazz says something intelligent for once.  ;)

Douche is dead asleep.  Dead out like a motherfucker.  She woke him up out of a stone cold sleep and he recognized her voice?  ‘Catherine?” Anyway, she actually told him her strategy was that if she couldn’t win a date, she’d bring one.  The dialogue is so forced and so fake.  Fuck you, VH1.  I’m not stupid...even though, like, I am watching this shit.

Douche mentions that the “No going in Bret’s room” rule is kind of out the window, he likes that they are making the effort.

- One, she’s wearing literally a fucking fuck-ton of makeup.  And B, he’s wearing his bandanna and a set of new clothes.  That he was “sleeping” in.  Really?  He sleeps in the wig and bandanna and eyeliner?  Interesting.  Anyway, she pitches herself to him.  And at him.

- It’s Fivehead date time.  They go to the desert and she’s wearing thirty-five inch heeled whore boots.  Hot boots, but fuck, he could have told her that wasn’t gonna work.  It’s paintball.

- Awesome-ometer: 4.  It’s a light “awesome” day so far.

- He’s wearing a Poison tour shirt.  You know what?  That’s kind of douchey.  What’s this? You’re wearing the shirt of the band you’re actually in? Don’t be that guy.

PCU FTW!  OMGBBQ.  IAWTC.  LOL(cat).

No, I don’t know why I keep doing that either.  It’s like I have netspeak Tourette’s.

- Douche can’t work his gun.  So she makes out with him.  get it?  IT’S A SEXUAL METAPHOR PEOPLE.

- They are paintballing against Big John, who is a former Marine.  That’s actually the wrong terminology.  There are only two former Marines.  I can’t remember the first guy’s name, but John Murtha is the second.  Every other Marine that has ever served is still a Marine in the eyes and minds of other Marines.  He finished active duty in 1993 after Desert Storm.  Ooh rah.

- They make out and the battle is on.  John is sniping from a tower like one of the American Gladiators.  They have to hit three targets without getting blown away.  The scary thing is Bret is using tactics.  He’s providing cover fire while Fivehead scurries from target to target and scores.

- They have some lunch and have the standard “I like you do you like me let;s talk about sex” conversation.  Whateverrrrrr.  Date is over.

Cut to the house.  Chazz and Muppetface are dragging some lounge chairs in from the pool and camping out in front of the Douche Suite.

They are like Fabergé eggs.  They look great, but so, so empty.

- Douche and Fivehead come home.  Sequel slips Bret a letter. obviously pleading for her life.  Docuhe heads to his room and sees the camping ladies.  You know what?  I just noticed that Douche is wearing a camo bandanna.  Wow. 

While we’re here, why does that display case have three tiers of model cars and a pair of cowboy boots on top?  One of these things is not like the others...Awesome-ometer: 5.

- Whore One and Whore Two greet the returning hero.  Calling them that puts me in a Suessian frame of mind.

Whore One and Whore Two
meet Bret by the door
Bret knows what to do
and gropes them some more
Whore One has a whatzits
Whore Two a mageenas
Bret wants to put his whozits
in both their vageenas.

- Time to think about eliminations. Commercial.

- Predictions changed: I’m looking at that pic, and I’m feeling Peyton and Destiney getting eliminated.  I think PBR saved herself with the breakfast, and Fivehead’s neck *might* be on the block but probably not.

- Oh boy.  I cannot possibly be saying this again...but I am, because he is.  Douche is wearing so fucking much guyliner that I’m half convinced he’s trying to bout-do Jared Leto and Pete Wentz.  he didn’t wear that much eyeliner on the cover of Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Ok, maybe an equal amount.

- First pass goes to...Fivehead.  Awesome-ometer: 6.  Daisy’s frustrated.  Next pass goes to Hombre.  KayJay is confused.  Daisy gets one.  She is visually physically relieved that she gets a pass.  This poor kid.  I think she really likes him.  Chazz gets the next one.  Superlips gets one.  There goes half my predictions. 

- So KayJay puts out and he’s leaving her hanging till the end?  Classy, Bret.  On the other hand, she seems to love it when men treat her like dog shit, so maybe it’s just good chick management on his part.  Bing.  She gets the next pass.  Inna’s pissed.

- Three left, one pass.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, PBR and Sequel left.  Could the Ukranian Love Tank be going home?  Will Bret dump both old ladies at once and risk lowering the box office on this coming summer’s tour?  Find out after this commercial break!

- Back, and all three are nervous.  Bret calls Inna down.  He asks her if she’s attracted to her, and that he needs her to come back in the game.  He douche-fessionals that “Ukranian Love Tank” line.  It;s all well and good for me to say shit like that on my stupid blog, but man...if I was Inna and I found out he was calling me that shit behind my back?  Kick in the balls, is what I’m saying.

SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the pass.  the old ladies are out.

- He calls Peyton down.  He wants to keep her as a friend.  Oh noes!  The friend zone!  Hey, he basically told you as much last week.

Sidebar: does every girl here have a tramp stamp?

- Catherine gets called down.  He pulls the “I didn’t get to know you enough” bullshit.  Oh please.  She’s old, dude.  She’s your age. That’s why you booted her.

- Beer time.  Hombre deliveres some scripted line to continue the ‘We all hate KayJay” storyline, and...we’re out.

- Scenes from the next: Some USO ladies are involved with this week’s challenge, which doesn’t go well for Destiney and Inna.  Then DRAMA with KayJay and everyone else...and Bret is “drained” at elimination.  So that’ll be fun.  maybe something will actually happen?  Someone punch up these scripts!  Call Bruce Villanche!

See you next week, Rock of Lovers.  “Keep it on rockin’” or whatever.

Posted by JimK at 10:25 PM on February 24, 2008
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love,  Rock Of Love 2
Tags: TV, Hair Metal, 80s, Poison, Bret Michaels, Reality, Rock Of Love, VH1
Technorati: VH1 Rock of Love Reality TV Bret Michaels Poison 80s hair metal

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