Thu, 31 Jan 2008 14:43:00
My Name is Scientology Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Wow. Rann dropped this one in the comments.
THE voice of Bart Simpson last year handed a stunning $11.2 million over to her beloved Church of Scientology - twice as much as Tom Cruise.
Nancy Cartwright, 50, made the donation as part of Scientology’s Global Salvage effort, which aims to “de-aberrate” Earth - meaning to rid mankind of psychology ills and other “aberrant” behavior.
That Scientology sure is powerful shit. That is a veritable fuck-ton of cash. OK, not a fuck-ton literally. More like 246.6912 pounds if it were in hundreds. It could be a couple of fuck-tons if she delivered it in new twenties. Wait how did I get bogged down in how much it weighs? The important bit here is not the weight of the money if it were all in cash. The important thing here is that nancy Cartwright is as crazy as a shithouse rat.
To all those who don’t go to Tom Cruise movies because you don’t want to support the destructive business empire that is Scientology, you might want to stop watching the Simpsons, too.
Truth be told, I still steal Tom Cruise movies off BitTorrent watch Tom Cruise movies. I don’t really notice the batshit Scientology crap. At least not so far. The guy was, and still can be, a fine, fine cinematic performer. Odds are I won’t bother avoiding the Simpsons either.
That is, any more than I already do. I see new episodes of the Simpsons when I remember that it’s still on the air, and I remember to steal them off BitTorrent “legally acquire” them. Over the last three seasons, I think I’ve seen maybe half of them. I might have laughed at three or four jokes. I think the show has run its course. At one point I would have defended it as the finest comedy on television, but like all good things, it came to an end. Only, like...licensing, dude. Fox still makes a bajillion point eleventy trillion million dollars every three minutes off Simpsons gear, so look for it to be on the air until well into the 2012 cataclysm or barring that, Drum’s predicted revolution, in which I shall take up arms under the flag of the United States of Jimerica. Our Constitution will be familiar. As will our flag. The major difference between my country and the one called “The United States of America” is that all congresspersons are required to be smart, really hot and perform all official functions in the nude. They will be evenly split between men and women, so everyone gets a little something to gawk at and the business of Jimerica can still get done.
Also, all television networks will be required to air a minimum of 13 episodes of any new television series. I know, that’s a bit heavy-handed, but I have to use my power in the way I think will best benefit me my friends all of us.
Also, California is not welcome in the new country. They are large enough to be thier own nation. I might kick Florida out too. Massachusetts goes for sure. We just have to relocate the Pats. Without the Boston fanbase. :)
Also, there will be National Hawtness of the Week competitions on live TV. That will be the only reality show we have. Hot people from all over the country will compete in categories like “Best Redheaded babe” and “Manliest Lumberjack Type” and “Best PC Technical Support.” The hottest and smartest of them will be asked to run for Congress at the end of the year. See how one program supports the other? Effecient government. That’s what Jimerica is all about.
That, and looking at naked people.
Posted by JimK at 02:43 PM on January 31, 2008
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Categories: Entertainment, Celebridiots, Humor
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Comments:
#2 Posted by Harley W Daugherty 
on 01/31 at 10:25 PM -
WTF is wrong with people.
#3 Posted by JimK on 01/31 at 10:32 PM -
Hey, speaking of naked people. Its been quite awhile since you added any to the gallery page. HINT HINT
I hear ya. I have been collecting Ariel pics...I’ll get them uploaded soon.
#4 Posted by Green Lantern on 02/01 at 11:59 AM -
Hey Jim, what have you been playing lately? I got a PS3 for christmas and have been playing Crack of Duty 4 almost everynight. What you got going on?
PS, that Ariel chick is smokin’ one of the best allround bodies I have ever seen. Its hard to find a really hot red-head. Nice find.
#5 Posted by Christian on 02/02 at 02:21 PM -
In this new country of Jimerica, will we have the “asshole” law? This being that if you find three other people to declare a person an asshole, they can be tarred and feathered on the first offence, second a stiff caining, and third...well..lets just say we charge the family for the bullet.
Which means I may have to go up in to the mountains for a while.
#6 Posted by Joe R. 
on 02/02 at 11:15 PM -
$11.2 million. Invest that in muni bonds at a tax-free (and low yield, investment-wise) 4% TAX FREE and you make $448,000 per year. I think I could cut corners and do without some of the extravagance in my life on that kind of money. I’d get by somehow.
#7 Posted by CaptCBleu on 02/03 at 10:56 PM -
Isn’t Donna a redhead? That is totally unfair to the other redheads, Donna would win all the time.
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Hey, speaking of naked people. Its been quite awhile since you added any to the gallery page. HINT HINT