My nicknames for the lovely ladies that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - Sequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon. *UPDATE* Also, as per “`” (that’s the commenter’s name!) Peggy Bundy Redux
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Sidebar: What the fuck do Salt-N-Pepa have a reality show for?  Do they hate each other now or something?  WTFBBQ?  My Tivo caught the last 60 seconds of something to which even I, watcher of virtually anything, will not stoop.

- Recap this week is some crap about the mudbowl and Daisy’s big win, plus the girls who keep losing, plus KayJay’s crazy baggage.

- We open with the usual scene of whores sleeping late...then Douche breaks tradition and wakes the girls up.  There’s no point whatsoever.  So that was a thing that happened.

- John (with bandanna, sans guyliner) hands over the poemlyricshitwriting of the day, about the cowgirl horse riding event for this episode.  Pabst Bundy Redux is excited.  She’s a horse chick.  20 bucks says a horse took her virginity, and I am not referring to any run-of-the-mill hymen breakage.  I’m talking Tijuana style, bitches.

- Back at the ranch, Douche says that “there’s a lot of country left in this long haired rocker boy.” What country?  You’re from Pennsylvania, and you moved to Los Angeles.  You’ve never lived anywhere else.  What fucking “country” you got in you?  Did you eat parts of John Denver’s corpse?

That’s probably it.  I think Bret Michaels dug up the body of John Denver and ate pieces of it just so later in life he could say he had some country in him.  Either that or he let a sheep farmer fuck him in the ass.  I bet he wishes he could quit that.

- Again we’re emphasizing the “win challenges, win dates” meme.  Then Rodeo rides out cackling like a dying hyena.  Donna notes that Rodeo gets a “confessional” type promo, while Lacey got not a god-damned word said about her.  Well, yeah.  Lacey’s a frightening cunt, besides, Douche already dipped his pen in that company inkwell.  He still needs a shot at Rodeo.

- “Rodeo’s Rockin’ Rodeo Relay.” OK.  Either Bret named that, or the PA that really ghost-writes those shit-tastic poemlyric things named it.  Also, awesome-ometer; 1.

- Three event relay.  First they have to rope a steer, then dodge the barrels of fallen cowgirls

then pull bandannas off greased pigs.  That reminds me of an old saying: You should never wrestle with greasy rockers.  You end up with thirteen social diseases, and it makes the rocker think his shit doesn’t stink.

Hey, that’s the way I heard it.

- Team captains: Hombre and PBR.  Hombre (Red team) picks Superworms, KayJay, Fivehead.  PBR (Blue team) picks SRB, Sequel, Muppetface and Chazz is left out again.  Chazz-fessional:

“Turmoil of hotness?” WTF?  OK, to be fair, she has a killer body.  But her face is...meh.  average at best.  If her head was attached to an average body, no one would ever notice her, and she would either be forced to do porn to earn money, or she’d have to sell herself into white slavery in Dubai...because fuck knows she couldn’t learn a skill or a trade.  That is one dumb bitch right there.

Oh, she doesn’t get left out...she gets to pick the team she wants to be on.  She picks PBR.  That seems unfair, but then this is a VH1 reality show full of the whoriest whores that ever whored, so what the fuck do I care about fair?

- Red team assigns duties.  KayJay is the roper, Hombre dodges barrels and Superworms and Fivehead are fighting with the pigs as they are not injured from the mudbowl.  Blue team: Sequel on the lasso, PBR running the barrels and the three other broads wrestling pigs.  See, this is where it’s not fair.  They get three people wresting pigs.  I CALL SHENANIGANS!  Someone call the UN.  This shit is against international law ro something.  Fucking Bret Michaels.  I bet he’s a terrorist.  Hey, if I stopped writing “Bret Michaels is a douchebag” and started writing “Bret Michaels is a terrorist” do you think Google, and later maybe the CIA, would pick up on it?

How awesome would that be, if I could single-handedly get Bret Michaels on a terrorist watch list?  Hey, a boy’s gotta have a dream.  A dream that doesn’t involve pickles and sun god robes, anyway.

- The challenge starts.KayJay gets an early lead, then PBR pulls ahead.  It’s all down to the pig wrestling.

- Douche thinks this is the funniest thing in his life.  As it turns out, having three chicks is no advantage.  Two all.  Daisy’s turn.  “These pigs are like, seriously, they went to college or something because they’re a lot smarter than they look.” Uhh...nevermind. 

- It’s one left each.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD vs. Fivehead.  Inna is walking her pig down like Jason Vorhees and shit.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  meanwhile, back on the ranch, SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is stalking her pig.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PIG EATS YOU!  She eats mud over and over.  Fivehead grabs her bandanna and whattya know.  Red team wins.  Who will get the solo date?  Fivehead maybe and then get cut anyway?  I mean at some point they need to show us a reason why she’s still on the god-damned show.

- Early prediction: Jessica and Catherine get cut.  That could change though.  Donna has a feeling Chazz is going.  PBR is teh upsetz.

- Awesome-ometer; 2.

- Fivehead gets the solo.  Douche manages to douche-fessional a sexual innuendo about the pigs.  What, no “makin bacon” joke?  I’m shocked.

- Awesome-ometer: 3.

- Back to the house.  PBR is doing a Dead Man Walking routine.  Hombre is really fucked up from the football game.  Both legs are all bruised and scraped and covered in cuts.

- Peg Bundy is all freaked out.  She’s 0 for 4 in the challenges.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is consoling her by the fire, but whore-fessionals that PBR can get the fuck out as far as she;s concerned.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, FACES HAVE TWO OF YOU!

- What is that firepit burning, some kind of gel fuel or something?

- Damn.  KayJay in a schoolgirl skirt.

- The group date begins.  Let us not forget, KayJay and Superworms hate each other, remember?  Even though last week she picked her for football and didn’t feud with her at all…

- They go to Opaque (Warning: audio!  So fucking annoying).  It’s the place in LA that does the “dining in total darkness” shit.  Fuck.  That.  I like to see my food.  I like to know what I am eating and how much of each element is on my fork.  I enjoy all the parts of food, not just the taste.  plus, they could be masturbating in the chicken and I would just think it was a glaze or something.  No. Fucking. Thank. You.  Plus I saw that CSI.  People die in these places.  What if Superlips decides to plunge a steak knife into KayJay’s beautiful titties?  She could borrow a pair of Soviet surplus night vision goggles from SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and get all stabby and Gil Grissom isn’t there to solve that shit.

Commercial.

- Back, and we’re all in the darkness.  Douche-fessional; “This is what the fine girls experienced while dining in the dark.” PAUSE.  What?  First off, that’s a pretty stupid way to say “What THESE fine girls who are with me experienced.” Secondly, uhh...you know they have night vision cameras, Douche.  We’re about to see what they experienced.  What the fuck is he talking about?

UNPAUSE. Oh, I see.  he was talking about the fact that Hombre was talking while he and KayJay were all over each other. 

Nice.  Classy.  Bret Michaels is such a classy gentleman.  Of course, KayJay is whoring it up big time.

“No, I can’t find you!” He’s a lying whorebag.  Can’t find them but he seems to have located KayJay’s breasts like a fucking bat with sonar.

- So It seems that KayJay got frisky and playfighty.  I can dig it.  Apparently he can’t.

HOLY FUCKING UNMANLY, BATMAN.  Jesus.  What the hell was that?  So then he says that it wasn’t a turn on.  The fucking greased pigs get sexual innuendo, but the hot Playboy model getting frisky and playfighting with him turns him off?

Bret Michaels is a douchebag, and to be honest, not to offend my gay and bi brothers, but he might be half-a-fag too.

- Time to trade seats.  It’s probably hard to tell, but they had to mosaic Superworms’ vagina when she stood up. 

Now, I realize that in the dark she may not realize her dress was halfway over her head.  But for fuck’s sake why isn’t she wearing underwear?  That dress is awfully short to be going commando.  You’d think that would be some sort of a turn-on, but quite frankly her upper mouth-lips are so scary that the idea of what her cooze-lips look like just makes my stomach do backflips.

Uh-oh.  KayJay and Superworms go to the little girls room together, so Hombre pounces on Douche to get those sloppy seconds.  How’s Kristy Joe’s dinner taste there, Ambre?

Speaking of taste, wouldn’t you be pissed if you paid to sponsor this show and no one mentioned a word about the fucking food?  It’s probably McDonalds.

- What the fuck?  Superworms and KayJay come out of the bathroom all chummy, and Superworms has her hand on Kristy Joe’s back, like in a friendly way.

I thought they were mortal enemies?  Oh and meanwhile Douche and Hombre are getting hot and breathy.  Like, loudly.  Douche: “I want you so bad.” Dude, you just want anyone.  Literally.

And we’re out of the darkness.

- Back to the house.  The ladies are all wound up and want to hang out with Bret, but he takes KayJay into the Douche Suite.  Gee, I wonder if they will fuck? he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is trying to rile up everyone else over the fact that Douche and Drama (See them this fall only on Lifetime!) are sequestered in the STD factory Bret calls a bed.  Commercial.

- Douche is talking to KayJay...basically saying that she’s still wrapped up with her old shit.  He wants to fuck her in the butt though.  Her response is that in the dark it wasn’t really in public, with everyone else fucking with her and so forth.  Douche-fessionals that she’s emotionally unstable, but he digs crazy girls and it’s turning him on.  Which directly contradicts what he said just prior to the commercial break, but consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.  Bret Michaels don’t need no fuckin’ consistency!  He’s married to the insatiable bitch-goddess that is rock & roll, man! 

“Fuck real feelings or any kind of honesty!  We got us a god-damned show to make!  Where all the pussy at?  Bring me some bitches to spread their meaty wings before the splendor that is my Poison-tipped arrow of love.  Chop chop!”

He asked her to stay and “hang, and watch a movie and nothing else” She’s all “lock the door.” he locked it.  So they fucked.  Everyone else is pissed.  Also, this is the “nothing else.”

- Oh my.  Daisy is so very, very upset about this.  Time passes.

- at 4:21 AM she creeps out to go back to her room.  “I’m really falling for Bret.” Oh for fuck;s sake.  Of course, KayJay is not all together mentally.  she;d probably fall for just about any half-decent looking dude who treated her like a doormat.  I’m not saying that all women who get naked for a living have daddy issues, but all women who get naked for a living have daddy issues, you know what I’m saying?

- Donna just said to me that this was douchey of Douche for another reason: it took away any chance that anyone else had to get even five minutes alone with him.  That is true, but they’ve been pushing the “win challenges and win dates or you lose out” meme for two or three weeks now.  That having been said, what the fucking fuck is Jessica still doing here?  Sure she was the big winner this week, but how did she last this long?

Top 5 reasons that Fivehead is still on Rock of Love:

5. Her father owns a tour bus rental company
4. Her uncle owns Peavey or Zildjian or some shit
3. Blowjobs
2. She has video of someone at VH1 with a dead girl or a live boy
1. Felching and bukkake.  I’ll say no more.

- Morning at the Douche crib. PBR decides to make breakfast in bed for Bret as a last-ditch effort to stay in the house.  Chazz likens PBR to an old horse you have to shoot.  Huh.  Whattya know.  Chazz says something intelligent for once.  ;)

Douche is dead asleep.  Dead out like a motherfucker.  She woke him up out of a stone cold sleep and he recognized her voice?  ‘Catherine?” Anyway, she actually told him her strategy was that if she couldn’t win a date, she’d bring one.  The dialogue is so forced and so fake.  Fuck you, VH1.  I’m not stupid...even though, like, I am watching this shit.

Douche mentions that the “No going in Bret’s room” rule is kind of out the window, he likes that they are making the effort.

- One, she’s wearing literally a fucking fuck-ton of makeup.  And B, he’s wearing his bandanna and a set of new clothes.  That he was “sleeping” in.  Really?  He sleeps in the wig and bandanna and eyeliner?  Interesting.  Anyway, she pitches herself to him.  And at him.

- It’s Fivehead date time.  They go to the desert and she’s wearing thirty-five inch heeled whore boots.  Hot boots, but fuck, he could have told her that wasn’t gonna work.  It’s paintball.

- Awesome-ometer: 4.  It’s a light “awesome” day so far.

- He’s wearing a Poison tour shirt.  You know what?  That’s kind of douchey.  What’s this? You’re wearing the shirt of the band you’re actually in? Don’t be that guy.

PCU FTW!  OMGBBQ.  IAWTC.  LOL(cat).

No, I don’t know why I keep doing that either.  It’s like I have netspeak Tourette’s.

- Douche can’t work his gun.  So she makes out with him.  get it?  IT’S A SEXUAL METAPHOR PEOPLE.

- They are paintballing against Big John, who is a former Marine.  That’s actually the wrong terminology.  There are only two former Marines.  I can’t remember the first guy’s name, but John Murtha is the second.  Every other Marine that has ever served is still a Marine in the eyes and minds of other Marines.  He finished active duty in 1993 after Desert Storm.  Ooh rah.

- They make out and the battle is on.  John is sniping from a tower like one of the American Gladiators.  They have to hit three targets without getting blown away.  The scary thing is Bret is using tactics.  He’s providing cover fire while Fivehead scurries from target to target and scores.

- They have some lunch and have the standard “I like you do you like me let;s talk about sex” conversation.  Whateverrrrrr.  Date is over.

Cut to the house.  Chazz and Muppetface are dragging some lounge chairs in from the pool and camping out in front of the Douche Suite.

They are like Fabergé eggs.  They look great, but so, so empty.

- Douche and Fivehead come home.  Sequel slips Bret a letter. obviously pleading for her life.  Docuhe heads to his room and sees the camping ladies.  You know what?  I just noticed that Douche is wearing a camo bandanna.  Wow. 

While we’re here, why does that display case have three tiers of model cars and a pair of cowboy boots on top?  One of these things is not like the others...Awesome-ometer: 5.

- Whore One and Whore Two greet the returning hero.  Calling them that puts me in a Suessian frame of mind.

Whore One and Whore Two
meet Bret by the door
Bret knows what to do
and gropes them some more
Whore One has a whatzits
Whore Two a mageenas
Bret wants to put his whozits
in both their vageenas.

- Time to think about eliminations. Commercial.

- Predictions changed: I’m looking at that pic, and I’m feeling Peyton and Destiney getting eliminated.  I think PBR saved herself with the breakfast, and Fivehead’s neck *might* be on the block but probably not.

- Oh boy.  I cannot possibly be saying this again...but I am, because he is.  Douche is wearing so fucking much guyliner that I’m half convinced he’s trying to bout-do Jared Leto and Pete Wentz.  he didn’t wear that much eyeliner on the cover of Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Ok, maybe an equal amount.

- First pass goes to...Fivehead.  Awesome-ometer: 6.  Daisy’s frustrated.  Next pass goes to Hombre.  KayJay is confused.  Daisy gets one.  She is visually physically relieved that she gets a pass.  This poor kid.  I think she really likes him.  Chazz gets the next one.  Superlips gets one.  There goes half my predictions. 

- So KayJay puts out and he’s leaving her hanging till the end?  Classy, Bret.  On the other hand, she seems to love it when men treat her like dog shit, so maybe it’s just good chick management on his part.  Bing.  She gets the next pass.  Inna’s pissed.

- Three left, one pass.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, PBR and Sequel left.  Could the Ukranian Love Tank be going home?  Will Bret dump both old ladies at once and risk lowering the box office on this coming summer’s tour?  Find out after this commercial break!

- Back, and all three are nervous.  Bret calls Inna down.  He asks her if she’s attracted to her, and that he needs her to come back in the game.  He douche-fessionals that “Ukranian Love Tank” line.  It;s all well and good for me to say shit like that on my stupid blog, but man...if I was Inna and I found out he was calling me that shit behind my back?  Kick in the balls, is what I’m saying.

SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the pass.  the old ladies are out.

- He calls Peyton down.  He wants to keep her as a friend.  Oh noes!  The friend zone!  Hey, he basically told you as much last week.

Sidebar: does every girl here have a tramp stamp?

- Catherine gets called down.  He pulls the “I didn’t get to know you enough” bullshit.  Oh please.  She’s old, dude.  She’s your age. That’s why you booted her.

- Beer time.  Hombre deliveres some scripted line to continue the ‘We all hate KayJay” storyline, and...we’re out.

- Scenes from the next: Some USO ladies are involved with this week’s challenge, which doesn’t go well for Destiney and Inna.  Then DRAMA with KayJay and everyone else...and Bret is “drained” at elimination.  So that’ll be fun.  maybe something will actually happen?  Someone punch up these scripts!  Call Bruce Villanche!

See you next week, Rock of Lovers.  “Keep it on rockin’” or whatever.

Less

As usual, the glossary of nicknames for the whores that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - Sequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Recap: Aubry’s big sacrifice for KayJay.  Who may get a new nickname if her nutty routine continues.

- We start with the typical morning whore-awakening, and Big John, sans bandanna which is freaking me out, calls them into the room for the big lyrical note reveal.  Oh for fuck’s sake.  “Good morning my divine nine.” Really?  “Divine nine?” Then again, this guy wrote “Unskinny bop” on a sheet of paper and then sang it, on purpose, 600 times in one song.

- Oh my.  The douche virus, AKA Griecomus Douchellus, has infected Big John.  He’s wearing guyliner.

- Anyway, the ladies get their mudbowl gear.  Muppetface throws this cunt attitude.  “This isn’t football gear.” Yeah, Bitchy McOnTheRaggerson.  It is today.  Off to the mud field.

- AWESOME!  That’s 1.  I seriously don’t think he can break the record this week, I mean we’re two minutes in and he’s only said it once.  But here’s to hoping!

- The Sweethearts vs. The Fallen Angels.  And another awesome, so maybe I’m wrong and he will shatter the previous record of 14!  Awesome-ometer; 2.

- PBR is captain of the Sweethearts, Superworms is captain of The Fallen Angels.  One girl has to sit out due to the teams being uneven.

“I Bret Michaels, will be quarterbacking for both teams, and I will love all of you equally.” Remember what I said last week?  How he imagines the ladies all in a row, naked, spread, asses in the air, tingling, shivering with excitement, awaiting the penetrative thrust of the Douche’s douchenozzle?  yeah.  That;s where that stupid comment came from.  That fantasy he has that they will all serve his need to sheath his meatsword.

Sad thing is, they will.  All of ‘em, if he’d just ask.

- OK, this is kind of interesting.  They have a rain, snow and wind machine in order to really make it hard to play.  YEAH!  Torture these bitches!  Any chance of waterboarding Destiney, or maybe hooking Peyton up to a couple of car batteries and the springs from an old mattress?  Maybe get Chazz in a stress position or three?

- Fallen Angels: Destiney, Inna, Kristy Joe, Daisy.  Sweethearts: Catherine, Peyton, Ambre, Jessica.  1. Why on earth would Superworms pick KayJay?  Aren’t they supposed to hate each other with the fury of a plain full of Mongol hordes? 2. Hombre says this is her game.  So look for that solo date I predicted...as per the script.

- Hombre; “I hope I impress him with my receiver skills.” Oh for fuck///// See what they did there?  [redneck accent] That’s onna dem dere dubble on-tondrees, as the Frechies say.[/redneck accent] Only Ambre’s piss-poor acting skills render it utterly humorless and about as sexy as fucking a tailpipe.

- Ambre scores.  I’m so surprised.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, or as Bret called her, the “Ukranian Love Bus” (IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BUS RIDES YOO!  DA, IZ GOOT JOKE COMRADE!) cannot seem to get her shit together.  And I can’t believe I am writing this, but Big John is calling penalties.  Inna got called for an illegal forward pass.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BALL PASSES YOO!  OK, I’ll stop now.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, JOKES TELL YOU!  No, seriously, I’ll stop.

(IN SOVIET RUSSIA, ASSHOLE WHO MAKE TOO MANY SOVIET JOKES GET SENT TO GULAG.  EEZ NOT SO FUNNY HA HA AS FUNNY OH SHIT YOU GONNA DIE IN SIBERIAN PRISON.)

- Hombre scores again.  Hey, who could have seen that coming?

- Now Destiney’s throwing illegal passes.  Fallen Angels aren’t winning big.  See, that’s funny if you know Poison’s lyrics.  On the other hand, it’s also sad.  Comedy & tragedy, y’all.  Commercial.

- Daisy’s playing cheerleader and trying to fire up her team.  The second half starts.  KayJay is the big hero...she makes three catches in a row and scores.  So now it’s “2 to 1.” That’s right, they’re not scoring it like any other human on earth who would play a game of pickup “American” football.  7 points?  That would just confuse these lovely ladies.  We need to keep it simple.  Like the space in Chazz’s head.

- The script calls for the Angels to come back, so Fivehead fumbles and Muppetface recovers.  Then she makes every play, and Hombre is getting worried.  So of course the whole things turns into Hombre vs. Muppetface.  10 seconds left.  QB Douchenozzle throws a hail mary and USSR LOVE BUS R74A1069 LUBYANKA SQUARE TO TOLSTOY HOUSE catches it.  She scores.  It’s all tied up.  Commercial.

- We’re back and it’s sudden death overtime.  I cannot even believe that it’s so staged obviously fake dramatically close.

- Sweethearts ball.  The snap.  Hombre gets possession.  She breaks three tackles and then...Destiney forces a fumbles.  Dramatic music and...commercial.  Oh fuck you VH1, it’s not the goddamned AFC championship.

- Back, and the ball is recovered by Janice The Muppet.  Oh look!  Ambre vs. Daisy again.  She grabs the ball and scores.  Looks like my prediction was off.  I misread the script.  ;) I guess this is the “Bret’s obvious choice fights hard for him to remind us that she’s the one” moment.

- Hombre is injured.  Muppetface gets the MVP trophy and the date.  Mudbowl II is in the history books.  And our hearts.

- Back at the house, and it’s time for Muppetface and Surgeryface to go out on their solo date.  You know what Brett is gonna end up looking like?  Mickey Rourke.  That doesn’t even look like him anymore.

MEN OF HOLLYWOOD: STOP DOING THAT SHIT TO YOUR FACE.  JUST BE OLD.

Oh, the date is at the Forplay store, and Bret said awesome again.  Awesome-ometer; 3.  Hey, my wife buys shit from that place.  i don’t know if I should be thankful or horrified that she shops at the same place as every stripper in L.A. ;)

No, wait.  I’m thankful.  VERY thankful.  I do, after all, want to visit her tunnel of love have sex at some point in the future.

- Dressing Miss Daisy time.

That’s douchey, but it gets better.  He steps it up a douchelevel.

He’s so proud of that.  Look at his little doucheface!  In fairness, she’s got a spectacular little body on her.  She can wear some whoreclothes.

- Aww, they’re in wuvvs or something.  He talks about how great she is, she talks about how great he is.

- Cut to the house.  PBR is all upset because she lost.  Sequel is commiserating with her.  No win, no date, no date, and “You can’t take your relationship with Bret to a deeper level.” Peyton?  Sweety?  There is no deeper level.  This is it.  He’s the single-level ranch home of rock.  If Bret Michaels were his own universe, it would have just a single dimension: Douchity.  That’s like gravity, only it’s smarmy and it makes you want to puke all the time.

- Back to the date.  Dinnertime in the lingerie store.  Yeah...that happens.  As long as the store pays a god-damned fortune to be the sponsor, it happens. 

- Muppetface seems to have a genuine desire to know about Bret, so she excitedly asks him date-type questions.  Of course, Mr. Fuckbag Rock Star is above all that, I guess.

You know what?  He’s a dick.  No joke, no metaphors, allegories or similes.  He’s just an asshole, plain and simple.  She’s not the brightest bulb in the pack, nor is she the prettiest girl who has ever lived, but there is nothing wrong with what she’s asking.  Bret Michaels is, and you all know what’s coming - a douchebag.

- OH SNAP.  Donna just noticed something.  So last week, all Daisy would say, over and over, is that while in “The Rock Suite” all night, she and Bret hung out and talked and got to know each other.  Umm...err...wouldn’t you have asked all these kinds of questions then?

Oh yeah, it’s hard to ask questions when you’re face-down on the bed, chewing on a pillow because a washed-up rock star has his dick in your ass.  Again.

- Awesome-ometer: 4.  Douche says the date went awesome, and it’s time to go.  He confessionals that there is a strong sexual connection between them but he;d like a bit more of an emotional connection.  HEY DICK, THAT’S WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO DO.  She was asking you to tell her about you so you can use shared experiences to bond and learn more about each other, you arrogant, ignorant prick.

Once again, for the cheap seats: BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG.

- Back to the house.  Sequel leaves the note that was previewed last week.  Turns out that at the same time - and I’m sure totally unaware of sequel’s actions, Chazz is also writing a note for Bret!  Wow.  That’s such a coincidence!  Please note the insincere incredulousness in my typing!  It’s there because this is obviously a scripted conflict!  Let’s pretend it isn’t!

- Chazz rolls up on the Rock Suite to find Sequel’s note.  Sequel wrote a hastily-scrawled note on a sheet of paper. 

- I guess that offended Chazz’s sense of fashion or something.  she took Peyton’s note away and replaced it with her “I’m thirteen and I put hearts on everything and I make all my notes into hearts and I dot my I’s with hearts and my heart belongs to you, Bret Michaels!  Will you be my Valentimes?” because you know this stupid bitch calls it “Valentimes Day.”

- Peyton thinks maybe her note was crazy-sounding so she goes back to check on it. 

Oh my!  Her note is gone!  Someone has pilfered her writings!  Call the gendarmes!  She writes a replacement, then asks Chazz if she took the other one.  Chazz lies.  Sequel slides her replacement note in the door.

Conveniently, as per the script she doesn’t fold it and shove it through.  She doesn’t slide it under the door and tape it all the way in.  She slides it between the doors and leaves enough of it hanging out so that Chazz can of course steal it again.  Which Chazz does.  Commercial.

- Back, and we get another awesome.  That’s 5.  Douche & Daisy (see them this summer on The CW!) come back from their “date.”

- The ladies want to party with Douche.  They shoot some pool. 

Seriously?  Leopard bumpers?  Really?  Why does being “rock” always mean you have to give up any and all semblance of taste?

- PBR gets five minutes for making a tough shot...then Daisy friggin’ drops the genius comment about Catherine: “She reminds me of Peggy Bundy.” Oh fuck me sideways.  That’s so exactly and perfectly right.  I can’t believe I didn’t think of it.  I literally slapped my forehead when she said it.  Too old to dress like that, hairstyle that is 20 years out of date, all that shit.  Peggy fucking Bundy.

Oh God.

Gross.

- Muppetface tries to interrupt.  where’s John to enforce the “No going into Bret’s room unless invited” rule?  Oh yeah.  That’s total horseshit, and the script called for Daisy to open the door and interrupt.  she misses out on her alone time because Douche is tired, and somehow this translates into “Do you not like me?” Whatever.  This is starting to become faker than Tila Tequila’s fake-ass show.

Dear Viacom reality programming division,

STOP SCRIPTING EVERY FUCKING THING THAT HAPPENS.  Just hire a big group of crazy motherfuckering whores, lock them in a warehouse and set up 50 robot cameras.  Drop a pile of food and water in once a week, and every three days, send a celebrity in to interact with the inmates.  This formula could work for any of your celebrities.  Flava Flav?  No problem.  Send in Pop Tarts and 40 ounces of malt liquor.  Scott Baio?  Done.  Bottles of Dasani and some prostate medication.  Tila?  Kimchee and Cuervo.

See what I did there?  Racial and ageist jokes.  It’s a wonder that Fox hasn’t given me my own sitcom yet.

- Damn.  Hombre is pretty fucked up from the mudbowl.  Knees, looks like a couple of good scrapes and bruises around the ribs...she played hard.

- Off to the group date...at a racetrack.  Douche does his usual entrance...he pulls up in a shit-hot Lotus Exige.  Turns out/////////FULL STOP.  Holy fucking fuck.  I mean, fuck.  Fucking holy fucking fuck.

I imagine that if you showed that clip to Ghandi during the height of his peaceful resistance days, he would want to punch the shit out of Bret Michaels.  And everyone would understand.  Double-O rock?  What the fuck?

- I guess the point here is that the ladies learn to drive a car.  Only, no one is teaching them anything.  They just all magically know how to drive stick, and how to handle a very responsive, race-tuned car with rack & pinion steering while going around a track.  Even if that is an Elise (and it might be) it’s still really responsive power-assisted R&P.

- KayJay seems to actually be able to drive.  She also seemed put off when Douche said “You look hot.  That’s all that matters.” Inna, on the other hand, doesn’t actually know how to drive.  She’s playing it up for all it’s worth.

- “I’ve been sober for minutes.” Hil-ar-ious!  Hey kids with Diabetes watching at home!  You too can be like Bret Michaels and come within an inch of death three to six times a month by drinking too god-damned much all the time!  Be cool: fuck your health!

Douchebag.

They sit down to lunch and talk shit about the girls who aren’t here.  Then it turns to KayJay and her restraining orders.  Multiple.  One on the ex, one on the current husband.  Bret: “Bit of a red flag there.” Yeah.  I’m thinking K and J stand for Krazy Janglebrain.  While I don’t doubt that her exes are all crap, one has to wonder why all of them are, ya dig?  In the immortal words of Blade, “Some motherfuckers are always tryin’ to iceskate up hill.”

- Time to go home.  Sequel is waiting to pounce on Bret.  First of all, an inordinate amount of time passed between the middle-of-the-day lunch at the racetrack and them actually entering the house in total darkness.  Secondly, when Douche entered, without missing a beat he said ‘Peyton we gotta talk.” Just like that.  No pause, nothing.  Like he knew the script called for it.  But he didn’t get her notes.  How would he know?

he takes her back to his suite.  She just starts sobbing at him.  She asks him if he is attracted to her.  He says this:

Let me translate; “No, Peyton.  I’m not really very attracted to you.  You represent the older fan demographic and I want young ass.  Out of a need to keep my older fans coming out to shows and buying my records, I’m keeping you around.  So that you are pacified, I will tell you that I could see us becoming friends with benefits so to speak, but really I would never be with a woman as old as you on a permanent basis.  However, I am willing for the sake of the show - and my wallet - to pretend that I am attracted to you.  Satisfied, you old, dried up skeezebucket?

Bret Michaels, Classy Gentleman.

- Elimination time.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  Muppetface is wearing the dress Douche bought her at Forplay.  Smart.  PBR is worried.  Chazz is wearing what I think is a satin bra and a mini skirt.  She also said, and I quote, “Bret and I have a mental...like...Superman psychological...mmm...mmconnection.”

What. The. Fuck?

Sequel is worried as well.  AND HOLY FUCKSTICKS.  I mention it every week, but the guyliner is way out of control this week.  Bret’s wearing more makeup than Boy George.

- First pass is for Hombre. Second is for Superworms.  KayJay gets the third.  She’s happy that her being here disgusts the other girls.

- Megan gets a pass and she gets called “The only girl who put a letter on my door.” Peyton is pissed.  Chazzfessional: “He wants to date me, not my grandmother.  HaHa.” You know what?  She’s right, even though she’s half-a-retard.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the next pass.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PASS WEARS YOU!  Sorry, I had to do that. 

- Fivehead gets a pass again.  WHY?  FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHY?  What has she ever done except take up space?  If it comes out after this season that Jessica was fucking him the whole time I’m not watching next year.

- PBR gets a pass, mainly for stepping up and going into Bret’s room and sucking face, one assumes.  Now it’s down to Muppetface and Sequel.  I’m kind of surprised that he left Muppetface dangling like this.  Maybe she puked while sucking his dick or something.  That happened to me once.  True story.  It wasn’t due to my massive, drainpipe-sized cock.  I had stopped bathing for most of 1993, and eventually that’ll get to any woman.

I made up that last part.  I bathed in 1993.  Also, I have a white man’s Irish cock.  But a girl really did puke on me during a blowjob.  On someone else’s waterbed.  I saw carrots.  Have I told this story on the blog before?  I think I might have.  Donna wants me to make sure everyone knows it was not her.  This was two years before I met her.

Moving on.

- This is fucking great.  Daisy has had this look on her face for like, ten minutes.

Is that worry or is she smelling a wet fart?  Bret confessionals that he knows what he’s feeling, whatever the fuck that may be So the pass goes to...commercial break.

- Back, and the dramatic music cues us to the fact that some shit is about to go down.  Who will get voted off the island?  Who will get fired?  Who’s not getting a rose?

- He asks for Peyton to come down.  She gets the pass.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  He cut Daisy?  What the fuck?

- Oh.  Well now.  “I saved the best for last.” Well, that makes more sense.  We think he’s going to pick Daisy all the way. 

- So he refused to cut anyone.  OK, they got me.  I didn’t see that coming.  But two go home next time.  He tells them to win challenges, get the dates and whatnot.  Daisy seriously looks like she might vomit at any moment.  Could it be that she’s Heather this year, and despite the fakeness of this whole thing, she really has feeling for him?

I actually feel bad for her a little.  On the other hand, if you watched him fuck Heather over eight ways from Sunday, ride Red Cuntya like a rented mule, then pick the youngest, prettiest one and not actually date her, and you still want to be on this show, maybe you deserve whatever VH1 and Douche Michaels have in store for you.

- Beers, and we get the previews.  Rodeo is back to run a “rock & Rodeo” something or other.  More drama with KayJay and the other girls.  I’m sort of surprised that there’s not more Hombre storyline, to be honest.  Perhaps they realize she’s a frigging horrible actress and can’t pull it off?

Looks like next week will be mostly about Daisy and Kristy Joe vying for another chance to get an STD from Brett.  See you then!

Less

As usual, the glossary of nicknames for the “ladies” that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- We open with the typical recap.  Things they want you thinking about: The strip booth whore-off, KayJay’s marriage, the date free pass interruptions and KayJay and Superworms arguing.

- AWESOME-OMETER right off the bat!  We start directly after eliminations last week with Douche strolling down the hall saying to the ladies “You know I’m awesome!” No.  No we do not know you’re awesome.  We know that you are bald.  We know that you have the sense of humor of a retarded monkey.  We know that you want America to think that you fuck eleven times an hour, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year.  We know that you are a horrible person and a misogynist.  And of course we know that you, Bret Michaels, are a douche bag.  Note how I did not include the fact that you are awesome on that list.

- KayJay thinks she’s getting close and has a chance. 

- Bret just toasted the ones that left and said “Let’s get down to makin’ bacon.” That’s it!  That’s fucking exactly it.  He talks, acts and for this show, pretends that his life is exactly like a 1970s sexually-oriented joke bumper sticker.  If his van is moving side to side like a cradle, please do not rap on the door seeking his attention.  Also, if you wish to be a passenger in his motor vehicle, you must provide him, as the owner of said vehicle, with financial renumeration, refined petrol or sexual congress, because no individual may in fact receive transportation to their destination without renumeration.

Yeah, I spent a good four minutes thinking that one up.  I know.  I know.  But it made me giggle.  Because you know Bret has said that.  he stood on the second step of a Florida Custom Coach, looking at some big-titted blonde stripwhore and said “Well, baby, if you wanna ride to Tulsa with us on the bus, it’s cash, grass or ass, ‘cuz nobody rides for free.” And the whore giggled and fucked him after he said it.  Because some women will do anything to get next to a tiny little sliver of fame

- Aww, Vamps got snubbed on the goodnight kisses.  Douche is off to bed, but MuppetJanice isn’t finished with him yet.  The other ladies are all tweaked about that.  Janice is sucking face in Bret’s room.  “Obviously we made out a little.  I mean, can you blame a girl?” yes.  Yes I can, because he’s a douchebag.

Fuckin’ hell, I am being harsh on the Bretster tonight.  Dunno why all the hostility, but it just feels like he’s being especially douchey.  Like when he makes his fifth sex joke in confessional and we’re only three minutes in.

- Vamps and KayJay are in the hot tub chatting.  Vamps isn’t upset that Bret’s being a whore with the other babes.  If you can call most of them babes.  She’s mad because she deserves attention and he’s neglecting her.  Sweetheart?  That means you aren’t into him.  Seriously.  The thought of him all over Muppetface should make you nuts.  If it doesn’t, you don’t belong here.

Vamps to KayJay: “If it bothers you that he’s sleeping with Daisy right now - and that’s exactly what he’s doing...” Yup.  he is.  And allegedly, as it is in her character’s her nature as she is scripted to like actually likes Bret, KayJay is upset and jealous.

- Next morning, and Chazz notes that Janice isn’t in her puppet rack.  she called her a “dirty asshole.” Hey!  I’m sure her asshole is very clean.  Since it needs to be on call and everything.  I assume she keeps some baby wipes around to stay fresh for her man.

- Big John calls them together.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD reads the day’s poem, about making the custom bikes, although it doesn’t actually explain that.  We the viewers know that’s what it’s about.

- In the limo, Vamps straight up asks Muppet if she fucked Bret.  Muppetface goes fucking off.  She’s really hostile and defensive, so like, she banged him, obviously.  She keeps using the 2000’s euphemism for fucking: “hanging out.”

- SPONSOR ALERT.  Exile Cycles.  They do make some sweet, sweet rides, especially the “Pure Sex” dragster.

- Awesome-ometer two-fer!  We got a double awesome.  That puts us at three for the day.  Sequel is excited, as motorcycles are her “thing.”

- The bikes are almost-assembled kits.  They have to finish the bikes and fire the engine to win.  Two teams, each with a lead mechanic who gets a solo date.  Awesom-ometer: 4!  Losing team has to clean Bret’s bike with a toothbrush.

- Team Black: SRB, Vamps and Hombre, Chazz and Muppetface.  Team Pink is Fivehead, KayJay, Superworms, PBR and Sequel.  Inna gets to be lead.  Peyton leads her team.  At one point they tried to get us believing that PBR hates KayJay, but her delivery was pretty poor, so I didn’t really buy it.

Chazz; “My best strategy for this challenge is just to do whatever I have to do to look hot in my mechanic’s shirt.” Normally I would say that she’s putting on an act, but she’s exactly the damn same as she was on beauty and the Geek.  I think she is literally the dumbest person that has ever been on a reality show.  Except for Jessica Simpson.

- Oh my god. 

Did you see the stupid move he did where he mounts the imaginary bike?  Jesus Christ.  Did you ever see Arrested Development?  Bret is Gob Bluth.  Only he’s like, a real person.  Allegedly.  He’s not a wholly-created fictional character, I mean.  The hand gestures and posing never stop.

- They start.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is 100% sure she’s got this.  Sequel is freaking out over this whole thing.  OK, this is just reality sequence stuff.  Imagine everyone except Inna and Peyton fucking shit up royally, with the expert having to explain the simplest things.  It’s kind of like watching someone herd cats.

- Pink team is done assembling.  They’re gassing it up.  Whoops!  They didn’t hook up the gas line.  Black is gassing the bike.  Oh my, it’s so exciting.  Or something.

- Black wins.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the solo date. [Bad cold war accent] IN SOVIET RUSSIA, SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD DATES YOU! [/Bad cold war accent] Wait, that’s the right way around.  Dammit.  I’m no Yakov Smirnoff.

- Awesome-ometer: 5!  Time to find out how they did from MohawkGuy.  Awesome-ometer; 6!  He’s cranking them out this week.  Mohawk guy says that Superworms slowed her team down, so she has to help Sequel clean the bike with a toothbrush.  She’s pissed, since she didn’t know shit about tools, she seems to think it’s unfair.  Well, that’s the price you pay for being dumb.

- Douche asks SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD to come over to him, and whattya know, it’s another awesome!  Awesome-ometer; 7.  At this rate he might break the all-time record of 11!  Anyway, he gave her a leather jacket and they are off to ride the motorcycle.

Commercial.

- We’re back, and Douche is cruising with his personal T-72.

See, that’s a Soviet-era tank.  And Inna’s a big girl.  See what I did there?  hey, I told you I wasn’t as funny as Yakov…

- Sweet Jesus.  More douchery.

What’s with the “rawwrrrrrrrr” noise?  Serious douchery.  That’s what.

- Cut to the two ugliest chicks on the show in bikinis washing the Hollywood Taxi.  I swear to GOD I could watch that bike explode and be happy doing it.  Isn’t he fucking bored of it yet?  And why does it have to be the two ugliest chicks?

- Vamps is still going on about how Bret dissed her during the goodnight kiss.  AND HOLY EFFING JESUS...PBR without any makeup.  Holy shit.

Dude.  OK, so Peyton and Destiney aren’t the ugliest women on the show.  Anyway, the other ladies tell Vamps that he probably didn’t do it on purpose, and Hombre confessionals that Vamps overreacts to a lot of things.

- Cut to the date; Yet another woman tells Bret she can see herself ending up with him.  Douche, being the big ball of sincerity that we all know and love, tells her, with all seriousness, “So can I.” of course he sees it.  He sees himself fucking all of you at one point or another!  In his mind, you’d all get on all fours in a big long row while he waited for his Cialis to kick in, and then he’d move on down the row, sticking his dick into each one of you for a few strokes.

Hey, you could even make a game out of it.  Like, musical cumshots.  The woman who gets filled with Bret’s jizz gets a solo date where you get to ingest more of it, and it’s ladies choice: orally or anally!  That Bret.  What a gentleman.

- Douche-fessional; another awesome!  That’s 8.  Date’s over.  As he’s leaving, the douche-fessional is that he hopes they “got my chopper a-sparklin’.” Err..."chopper" is a very specific thing.  It’s not a generic term for motorcycle.  The Hollywood Taxi is NOT a chopper.

You’d think a guy that has been riding bikes for 25 years would know that.

- Home, and the bike cleaners are arranging themselves on the bike by the front door.  And running the engine.  Indoors.  Always wise.  Loads of “clean my pipes” jokes.

- Vamps swoops in to do her neurotic thing.  “Aubry Aubry Aubry.  Do you really need to pick this exact moment, when there is nakedness and motorcycles, to take me away?  Seriously.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  It’s not like you were screwing and she tried to drag you away forcibly.  Besides, it’s Sequel and Superworms.  She’s doing you a favor.

- Douche and Vamps go off to chat.  So, she’s trying to sell Bret on the fact that she is, and I quote, “a very very very observant person.  I’m a karaoke host, OK, I know people.” Really?  A karaoke host?  Wow.  That’s one fucking insightful career.  She voices her complaint, he looks for all the world like he couldn’t give a fuck.

He asks her what she thinks he thinks.  She says that he isn’t into her as a partner.  He douche-fessionals that she’s “a little needy.” Ya think?  She says to get rid of her if he’s not feeling it.  I think she’s outta here.

- Vamps and KayJay are talking about if it was a good idea to say what Vamps said.  KayJay starts crying...about herself.  Oh sweet Jesus.  This is so Sam.  So KayJay is calling a house meeting to tell everyone about her marriages and shit.  Hoo boy.  If this is real...Hell, if this is half-real, why would she want to bare her soul to this nest of nasty little vipers?  This will not end well.

- She cries it all out at all of them.  She’s essentially confessing that she...wait, Chazz said it.  She’s an emotional wreck.  Hombre confessionals that this is kind of ridiculous as KayJay and Bret have only known each other for 5 days.

That’s how long this has been going so far., FIVE DAYS.  Five.  How the hell could anyone be this invested in someone - when you only get five minutes with them here and there due to it being a reality show with other women - in just five days?

On the other hand, if she’s faking it, she’s doing an Oscar-caliber job of it.  They give Academy Awards to women who can cry like that on cue while talking.  The “ladies” advise her to go talk to Bret.  Obviously they are hoping she freaks the fuck out.

- Sidebar: Does Bret’s door actually say “the Rock Suite” with the last two words in his favorite tat lettering, Olde E?  Why yes.  Yes it does.

Douchetacular.

- So KayJay’s in the Rock Suite and she’s all fucked up.  She’s saying that it (the show) became real for her as it went on.  Bret responded with “But did you think it would be real when ya started?” How would she?  She saw last season.  You were a total fake, and you fucked with the one person who really seems to have been into you.  Why would she expect it to be real?  You are a huge, douchebag phony, and that’s about the only thing any of these women should ever expect.

Am I being hostile again?  Sorry.

Awesome-ometer: 9.  She’s sobbing about how she has all this shit to deal with when she gets out of here, and Bret Michaels dropped the douche act for just a second and said:

“I am willing to deal with any emotional baggage, I’m willing to deal with anything in your past, but I cannot deal with you if you are still emotionally connected.”

That is actually a true and profound statement on the surface.  Except it’s a lie coming from him.  Evidence?  Look no further than the fact that when he kicked Heather to the curb, one of the things he talked about was her being a stripper.  She wasn’t emotionally connected to needing to be a stripper.  In fact she wanted out and she wanted people to stop talking about it.  If it was so easy for him to deal with anything in someone’s past, it never would have been an issue with Heather.  It wouldn’t have been an issue when he talked about how he was hurt in the past by a stripper (remember, that’s why he wrote “Every Rose") and it wouldn’t have been an issue with choosing heather.

Douche is a liar.  Big surprise, right?  He’s the used car salesman of rock & roll...he’ll say anything to get you to buy his cock and drive it off the lot.

Anyway, he basically said that her shit will be there in a day or a month.  She’s wound up and can’t decide to stay or go.  SAM!  SAM!  Just leave!  Wait, you’re not Sam.  Sorry!  It’s so easy to get confused.  Commercial, and that’s where we’ll break for the night.  I’ll update this post tomorrow night with the second half!

*UPDATE*

Here comes the second half!

- Big John calls everyone into the main area for the day’s note.  It’s another photo shoot.  Oh shit...God bless Chazz and her empty skull.  “After hearing the note today, I’m totally confused, I have no idea what’s going on...as usual.” At least she knows she’s as dumb as a box of hair.

- We meet Mitzi from ”Mitzi & Company,” who will help the “ladies” do what Bret called an “awesome” pinup photo shoot.  Awesome-ometer: 10.  One more to tie, two more and it’s a new RoL record!

Anyway, I went to the Mitzi site.  It looks like they will do a whole package thing for you: 40s hair, makeup, clothes and photos.  Except the final product?  The actual photographs?  They’re shit.  Not good at all.  Stay the fuck away from Mitzi if you are in LA and looking for pinup pics.

Interesting that they went with burlesque and now 40s pinup stuff.  Someone at VH1 is a big Dita von Teese fan…

- Bret says he’s “gonna get them dressed up in classic 50s pinup style.” 50s?  All I see at the site is 40s, dude.  Wartime style was very, very different than post-war.  Maybe Mitzi is branching out?

- Oh for the love of all that is holy.  Chazz is so dumb.  “I don’t want to look like I’m from the 50s.  I’m in my 20s.  I’m 22.”

- AWESOME-OMETER: ELEVEN!!!!  That’s the record.  Will he break it?  I know he;s been training all year for this.  We may be about to witness history!

- The shoot starts.  Chazz is first.  Whatever.  She’s really attractive if you never have to hear her speak, ever.

- Vamps is doing some 30s-50s hybrid thing where she’s afraid of king kong but on a tiki set.  It doesn’t look good.  Hey, wasn’t the tiki craze like, 20 years after the release of King Kong?  Like, late 50s, early 60s?  Is Bret one of those people that thinks everything that happened in the past happened within like, two years of each other?

- Hombre is doing like a “naughty sailor girl” thing.  Douche is claiming that she’s starting to “pop out” for him.  *sigh* We get it.  Girl you almost eliminated has a real chance with you.  We all read the script, Douche.

- Daisy is just dressed like a whore.  Not sure how this is 40s, 50s or even 60s.  It just looks like the first pic in an internet porn shoot.

- So they have lunch.  Vamps says that everyone in this (meaning a show like this) gets hurt, and in the process of telling her why she’s wrong, Bret just sells another used car lies his balls off.

That’s a fucking lie.  He never looked at her and said “Whatever.” What he actually did was listen to KayJay, and advise her that her shit was still going to be there regardless if she left today or next month.  Then he told her he wanted her to stay.  Bret will say ANYTHING to get someone to want to see his cock, and I’m starting to believe that he believes this shit when he says it.  He knows that these dumb bitches will either be gone, or will have swalloed his loads long before they get to see this...and odds are they all have to sign NDAs anyway so they couldn’t tell the truth about any specific event unless the show lets them.

Christ...he’s such a sleazy dickweed.  If I had a daughter that was even thinking about going to a BMB concert, I’d either chain her to the boiler in the basement, or maybe try to run him over with a truck.  Shit, it doesn’t even have to be my daughter.  I’d try to save your daughter, or a total stranger from him.  At this point I don’t think he should be allowed near female dogs much less women.

Douche.  Bag.

Anyway, Vamps runs to KayJay to tell her, but what is very interesting is who is sitting on the bed next to KayJay.

What are they, frenemies?  What was Catherine doing there hanging out with Kristy Joe?  Possible explanations:

1. Looking for a tampon.  May be too old though.
2. Wanted to borrow a shovel in order to apply more spackle to her face.
3. trying to suck the youth out of KayJay so as to continue to appear 50, when her real age is 677.
4. This whole “Kristy Joe and Catherine are enemies” thing is total bullshit from the get-go.

You decide.  :)

- So KayJay is really pissed.  Guess what she did?  She cried.  :) Commercial.

- Oh the drama!  Will KayJay confront the lying douchey cockmonkey?  She composes herself and heads to “the Rock Suite” and yes, I died a little inside after writing that.  At least I didn’t try to format it in Olde E.

KayJay walks in and Douche is posing.

And then he says “A-whassa-goin-awn” like he’s all happy to see her and I want to kick his fucking teeth in.  For real.  She asks him how he feels about her...which wasn’t really the question.  The question should be “Why did you lie and talk shit about me behind my back.” Like a good manipulating misogynist, Douche turns it around and makes it all about her, her insecurities, etc.  He knows what prompted this and he’s trying to steer the conversation as far away from his own duplicity as possible. 

So the story now is that she confessionals that she really wants to be with him, and he basically tried to let her down in the way that is easiest for him.

- Elimination time.  Master, the guyliner is strong with this one.

The pancake makeup is nice too.

- AWESOME!  Holy crap!  Awesome-ometer: 12!!!!!  That’s a new record, folks.  There are only a few times in your life that make you take notice of where you are and what you are doing.  Man landing on the moon.  The day MLK was shot.  The day Kennedy was shot.  The day the Berlin Wall fell.  And now this.  The day that Bret Douchebag Michaels said “Awesome” 12 times in one hour of television.  Someday you will tell your children where you were on this day.

And then they will put you in a home.

- First pass goes to: Muppetface.  AND ANOTHER AWESOME!  Holy fuck.  Thirteen awesomes.  I can’t believe it.  It’s like getting extra candy for Valentine’s Day. Sure, it;s shitty-ass Russel Stover garbage, but hey, it’s fucking candy, so shut up before I give you a reason to cry, bitch.  And where’s my dinner?

Daisy says that no one can beat the chemistry they have.  We agree here at Casa de Kenefick.  She;s the winner, barring any accidents where she gets hideously deformed in the face, titty region or vaginally.  That Bret will not accept.  She could probably have a nice zipper-style scar on her ass and he’d be OK, but on the off chance that maybe someone andI’mnotnaminganynamesherekristyjoe were to throw hot oil in her face, she’d be getting the boot.

- Next pass goes to Hombre. Vamps confessionals that she thinks she’ll get a pass.  Sequel gets the next pass. SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD EES NEXT TO GET PASS.  DA, EES GOOT COMRADE.  SHE BEAR YOU MANY STRUNG CHEELDRENS!  Oh, and yet another “awesome.” I can’t even begin to tell you what this feels like.  Do you remember the first time you jacked off with a combination of lotion, your own spit and a little pre-cum?  Like that, only awesomer.  That’s fourteen god-damned “awesomes.” My poor heart can’t take anymore.

- PBR gets one. There’s a brief moment where he has to try to get the lanyard over and around the weird hairspray helmet she has in top of her head.

- Fivehead gets one again.  WTF?  Was she even on this episode at all?  Superworms gets one. 

- Douche says that the next girl is hot and all that but he’s not feeling it yet.  At which point Megan makes a “what the fuck are you talking about, old man?” face.  Then she gets a pass.

- Two left.  Vamps and a crying KayJay.  Vamps confessionals that she looked at KayJay crying, and her heart broke.  They ratchet up the dramatic music and.....

Commercial.

- We’re back, and the tension is just so...something.  Bret is milking this, and KayJay is literally breaking down.  Vamps is going to make a big dramatic gesture and walk away.  She walks up and says that if she walks away will Bret give KayJay another chance?  To which Douche confessionals:

That’s just in case you’ve never heard him say it.  Or you thought that my textual representation of how he said it was some kind of exaggeration.  If anything, I feel like I may have de-douched it a little.

Anyway, the drama.  Vamps pitches KayJay and Superworms confessionals that they should both get the fuck out of here.  Hombre confessionals that Aubry’s relationship with KayJay means more to Aubry than the one with Bret, and that is weird.  No, it’s not.  She’s not trying to get discovered, Ms. Professional Actress Who Has Never Starred In Anything.  I know it seems foreign to you, but these two actually seem to have formed a friendship.  I’d say bros before hoes, but that doesn’t really work here, what with them all having girly hoo-has.  Is there a chick equivalent to that phrase?

Vamps makes KayJay promise to not leave.  Then she confessionals that if she and Bret were meant to be together later, they’re in the same city.

And then, the punchline.  Oh fuck it...there’s no easy way to describe this.  Just watch.

Love the way he almost cruelly reveals that KayJay was getting the pass all along.  All class and sensitivity, that Bret.  What a guy.  meanwhile, KayJay goes from mental breakdown to all smiles and loving on Bret faster than Britney goes from stupid to diseased.  Wait, that’s not a very dramatic turn for Britney.  nevermind.  What I’m trying to say is KayJay is starting to seem a little bipolar.  Apparently hot comes with a big dose of crazy.  They do some deep throat heavy kissing, then he asks her to drop her guard so they can get to know each other.

They drink Bret Brews.  It’s fucking over.  Praise Jesus.

- On the next Rock of Love.  Mud bowl again.  Some drama with Sequel and Chazz over notes they leave for Douche.  He pitches the online stuff and ends with “and keep it on rockin’.” I think he meant to say “Keep it goin’” or “Keep on rockin’” and like so many of his “awesome” turns of phrase, it got all fucked up.  The best part is, VH1 airs the screw up every week.  It;s like a metaphor for the existence of the show itself.  And maybe all of our lives.

See you awesome party animals next week!  Until then, keep it all around the rockin’ going on, a-whassa.  Or something. (DEVIL HORNS!  FUCK YEAH!)

Less

Glossary:

Angelique - Silica, for the massive amount of fake material in her face/nose/lips/boobs/body.  Plus, brain like a rock.  She’s a Z-list porn star (NSFW!)
Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The following “ladies” have not yet distinguished themselves enough to earn a name yet: Daisy, Roxy.  Suggestions welcome!

- Recap focuses on Hombre and Douche.  Color me the opposite of surprised.  Also they highlight the OSDC (that’s Old School Dance Contest, which has taken on some kind of mythical proportions in my mind at this point.)

- It’s morning at the mansion, and whores are stirring.  Roxy, one of the winners of the OSDC, reinforces that she intends to use her pass.  In case you forgot, this allows her to interrupt anyone at any time if they are with Bret and take their place.  Roxy?  Sistah?  It.  Won’t. Matter.  I think you are as fine as bone china, but you are a black woman, and you will get the boot.

- Bad poetry time.  Chazz read it.  I’m sort of surprised, unless it was spelled out phonetically. 

- Outside, into the Hummer limo (is anyone surprised that this show hired a Hummer for Bret?) and it’s off to the roller derby rink. 

- They are getting split into teams of four, and they have to protect a baby doll in a stroller.  Why?  So Bret, who is a “good dad,” can find out who has the “mother bear instinct.” Whatever.  That;s not the important part.  This is.  I present the atrocity that is the BretBaby.  Straw cowboy hat, bandanna, glasses and fuzzy dice on the stroller.

It’s stupid.  Hombre thinks it’s hil-arious!

- Oh dear god no.  I can feel her presence.  There will be a team opposing the baby protector whores.  And we all know who will be the captain of that team.  I can feel the desperate need for attention already.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD “If there’s anything I can do in these skates, I hope I can skate over Lacey’s face.” Me too!  I kind of hope that something truly tragic happens here.  By accident of course.  Oh, and the doll registers shock trauma.  Someone’s been watching Mythbusters!

- Blue Team; Vamps, KayJay, Silica and SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Red Team: FiveHead, The Last of the Black-hicans (I dunno if that’s gonna stick as Roxy’s nickname, but if she stays, maybe it will), Sequel and Hombre.  Pink Team: Daisy, Chazz, Superworms and PBR.  I have really got to get Daisy a nickname.

- Wow.  He said “Are we ready to start the stroller derby challenge?” I really, really expected him to say “Are you ladies ready to rock the stroller derby” and then grab his nuts and rub them for like, five seconds too long.  Bret never ceases to surprise me.

- PBR says she can skate and is sort of the captain of her little crew.  KayJay is flying around the circle in practice.  Red Team is on their asses a lot. 

- Oh for fuck’s sake.  The ref is named Marlene Dieb*tch.  I have no idea if that asterisk is really there, or if VH1 is afraid of typing out the word “bitch” on the kiron.  Either way, it’s exactly the opposite of cool and edgy.  It’s ridiculous and stupid, much like Bret Michaels himself.

- Pinks go first.  Dey be all a-scareded.  Douche is hoping that “these girls are willing to take a beating (douchebag pause for effect) for their man.” Any chance that I can give you a beating for their man, Douche?  Anyway, the roller bitches come and Red Cuntya literally grabs and punches the baby.  They’re shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, that Lacey would do suck a thing.

FUCK THIS IS STUPID.  They grab and shake the doll and we go to commercial.

Sometimes I hate television.

No I don’t.  I’m sorry TV.  Please don’t explode on me, I love you.

- We’re back.  Douche-fessional: “There is only one way to start to find true love and that is with a stroller derby challenge.” Really?  Well fuck me sideways.  Baby, I hate to do this in a blog post about Rock of Love, but you need to get the fuck out.  We did not meet over a roller derby contest where one of us tries to shake a baby to death, therefore our love, it is not a river.  Well, maybe it is a river, but someone just built a damn, and you gots to get to steppin’.  I’d say I love you, but Douche said no stroller derby, no love, so just walk away.

Don’t look back.  We’ll always have Albany.

- They deliver the baby to the doctor.  See what I did there?  Deliver. The. baby. That’s comedy gold.  Chazz is totally playing Brandi C. “At least we look hot.” Oh die in a fire.

- Red team has a plan...block the Derby Dolls while Sequel tries to get ahead.  It’s not really working.  Sequel is protecting the thing and Douche said that the fact that Peyton is willing to take a beating “made me wanna (another douchebag pause for effect, plus a small hand gesture)...breed.”

Seriously.  Does he have any fucking idea how stupid he sounds?

- Uhh, the Derby chick just ripped an arm off the baby.  That’s probably bad.

- Blue is next.  KayJay hopes that the rest of the team falls down in front of the Derby chicks.  She’s speedskating around and doesn’t get touched until the very end.  She’s the big “winner.”

The results: Pink team has a dead baby.  Red team just has a beaten baby, minus an arm.  Fivehead says something like” if the baby lost it’s left arm, no one will care.” Or something.  Unless the baby was left handed...wait am I talking about this like it makes any sense at all?  I need another glass of this wine, clearly.  Did I mention I’m drinking now?  I think Douche drove me to it.

- The Blue team won, obviously.  Just some bruising and shaking to their BretBaby.  Prognosis; baby will be fine with counseling.  And hair plugs.

Then Silica says “Zese girlz zhould betteah be wurried, becuz whin eye’m gunna too ween a debt weeth Bret, eye’m gunna fock eem zo goot, eez nut gunna louk at ennybuddy elze whin ee comingk back.” Sweet fuck she’s ugly. 

- SRB, Silica and Vamps get a group date, KayJay gets a solo.

- Last of the Black-hicans is conveniently upset about losing.  Why, she has a pass that allows her to interrupt a date anytime she wants!  How lucky and fortuitous.

- Group date time.  Uhh, Vampirella is wearing a top hat and some sort of....robe?  And she’s carrying a “puttin on the ritz” cane.  In fact, the whole outfit is very Buster Poindexter.  Classy.  Of course she’s actually the best dressed of the three on the group date.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is wearing her little sister’s black dress, and Silica is wearing some short pink thing that kind of looks like it got caught in the washer during the spin cycle.

- KayJay tells the other chicks that she is a mom, so she knows how strollers work.  Lucky kid, getting to slide out of that.  Wait, that didn’t come out right.  Anyway, I seriously doubt that strollers contain enough technology to defeat these chicks, even if they are all a little dumber than the average whore.

Well maybe a stroller could defeat Chazz.  I can see her turning it upside down and trying to make it sort of ski along on the handles.  The wheel confuses her.

Anyway, KayJay makes a simple, innocuous comment about the fact that PBR can’t actually skate, and the producers have Daisy get all worked up over it.  It’s dramatic, don’t you know.  Except for the fact that it wasn’t, Kristy Joe was laughing and being silly and not criticizing Catherine in any way, and Daisy;s reaction is obviously created to try to engineer some conflict.  Other than all that, it’s dramatic.

- Cut to the date.  Strip club.  Ivan Kane’s Forty Deuce Nightclub and Burlesque. Burlesque?  try “low-rent non-stripping stripping.” It’s like one of those sleazy joints you see on a crime procedural where all the women are ten years past their sell-by date and no one every actually gets nude, because it’s both disgusting and a health code violation to air that much raw meat in a bar.  Think I’m lyin’?  Check out their gallery of photos.  You have to give them an email to see the pics.  Make something up.  May I suggest [email protected]?  Now, see what I mean?  and those are the good pictures that they want you to see.  Fuckin hell.

- What a surprise.  Ivan greets them at the door and seems to know Bret.  The place is closed down for them.  They will be doing “burlesque” dancing.  Vamps says she’s a trained dancer.  This probably means that an old whore taught her how to slap her yeasty beef curtains around without getting them stuck to the pole.

This ain’t burlesque, ladies.  I’ve seen Dita von Teese, and you ladies ain’t no Dita von Teese(es).

- Meanwhile, back at the Whore Cave, KayJay makes a joke that the rest of Pink Team said that PBR let the team down.  This is so scripted...we got to see a single sentence that was clearly a larger part of a conversation that we didn’t get to hear.  But hey...catfight!

- Club.  Uhh...these are strippers doing stripper dances.  They’re just not getting naked.  There’s nothing burlesque about this!  Silica says that she gets totally naked, and “Dakota” (the chick from the club) says that burlesque is the art of the tease.  So when will you start teasing?  Double-speed salsa dancing back and forth while wearing a shimmery bikini is NOT burlesque.  There’s no teasing involved in what this broad did.

Ten bucks says twenty bucks would buy you what this club really specializes in.

- Douche said “par-tay” like, and he meant it.  I really don’t think he knows.  Commercial.

- Back at the Douche.  I mean the Deuce.  SCARY BIG BONED RUSSIAN BEAR WRESTLER BROAD is doing actual burlesque teasing, so of course Douchebag says she sucks at it.  Why, because she’s not doing some stupid triple speed Latin ass shake?  he did call her his “Ukrainian love tank,” so I gotta give him props for that.  I should also mention that I know she’s not Russian.  Ukrainian is not Russian.  It doesn’t matter.  The joke still works, and besides, SCARY UKRAINIAN BROAD just doesn’t conjure up the same mental image.

On the other hand, he also finished his thought by calling her a spicy meat-a-ball.” Bret?  Dude?  That’s an Italian joke.  She’s Ukranian...you just told us that.  if there is one thing i can’t stand, it’s comedic inconsistency in making jokes about a nationality that doesn’t fit the person you are mocking.

What?  Shut up.  Russia used to own the Ukraine.  My joke is different.  Fuck you.

- Aubry is next.  You’ll never guess what she did...the high-speed Latin ass shake.  She did regular stripper stuff, just slower.  Douche loved it.  Of course he did.  A woman just took off her kit down to undies and shook her ass in competition to try to ride his graying pubic mound all the way to Cashtown.

It’s like he doesn’t know they all see him as an ATM with a wig.

- Uhh...Silica took all her clothes off.  ALL of them.  She spread the meat wide open for him.  We’ve seen her pics...look up in the glossary for the link if you haven’t.  It’s like an old veal chop that someone butterflied with a hacksaw.  Then microwaved.  They’re gonna need some Control III to wipe down that stage.  That shit kills AIDS dead on contact.  Somehow I think that will come in handy.

Sidebar; Do you think her secretions could be used as a brass polish?  Or would it be too corrosive?

Anyway, he thought it was hot.  They pretended like it mattered that she got naked, like it was gonna violate the club’s rules and get them shut down.  Like Hollywood wouldn’t be better off if that happened.

- Back to the house.  The “drama” is still going on.  It’s turning into a thing.  Ahh, this is where the “KayJay is is a manipulating bitch” part comes in.  Honestly, this is obviously written, but it’s so stupid - and what KayJay said is so harmless - that I can’t really get into the spirit of the whole thing.  it just feels inanely stupid.

- Good fucking lord, now they go out to Daisy and Superworms and everyone has to act like this is a big deal.  Superworms and Chazz are arguing with KayJay in the hall.  Chazz takes a dig at the fact that KayJay isn’t wearing makeup.  Uhh...she still looks better than all of you.  She could get burned in a gasoline fire and still look better than all of you.

This is retarded.

- Douche comes home and says that the ladies were ready to “party” or some shit.  “The big head’s saying ‘Let’s do it’.” What?  That’s backward.  That doesn’t even make sense.  The little head should be telling you to go party with these “ladies.” I think the bandanna is on too tight.

- Oh look, KayJay is crying.  Vamps is “helping her.” She seems to be crying about the no makeup crack.  Hollywood, take note!  She can cry on cue.

- The next day dawns.  Superworms reminds us that she also has a megapass that gives her the right to swoop in and get Douched.

That’s what I’m calling a date with Bret Michaels.  Dating Bret is now called “getting Douched.” The problem here is there is a logical comedic inconsistency, and we all know I hate those. 

See, a douche is supposed to clean and freshen a nasty, funky cockcave.  Bret Michaels actually has the opposite effect; he can turn a pussy that smells like spring rain into something that even the French would say “Ohh, mon cheri, that eez one unfortunate vageena odouer you haff, may eye suggezt a douchzes?” Oh well.  Can’t win ‘em all.

- Big John is wearing his red bandanna today.  Must be “Dress like a douchey gay pirate” day.  He calls them all in for another note/poem/lyric.  It’s for KayJay.  The date is just a BBQ in the yard.  REALLY?  You;re fucking kidding!  This would make it so easy for say, someone with the right to interrupt a date, to swoop in and say, interrupt!  Gee, I wonder if that will happen?

- Kristy Joe is making dinner for Bret.  Hey, KayJay cooks.  And she irons in bikinis.  Dude.

- I know that this may surprise you to no end, but Superworms and Daisy plan to use their passes to get all up in KayJay’s shit.  I know, I know, who could have seen this coming.  Well, except Stevie Wonder.  And Daredevil.  And every human being within a seventy mile radius.  And one lone dude from Delta Sigma Centauri who picks up Earth transmissions on his spaceship’s satellite dish.

I’m trying to say this wasn’t much of a surprise.

- Aww fuck.  KayJay has a tramp stamp.  Are those like standard issue for women under 30 now?  Also, she kissed him hello.  I assume he was fresh out of the shower and hadn’t had time to get all festered up with the skank, but still.  He’s like a petri dish of STD by this point.  Best to avoid contact if possible, unless you are wearing level 3 HAZMAT gear.

- OUR FIRST AWESOME!  As soon as we start counting, he stops saying it.  Fucker.  Somehow he always finds a way to make this as painful a viewing experience as possible.

- The bitches are planning to swoop in as soon as they start eating.  Oh here we go.  Wow, this is such a surprise.  We learn that KayJay has been married twice and is currently getting her second annulled.  Baggage!  Here comes Superworms, lookin’ classy!  Cutoffs, bandanna, bikini top.  The Bret Michaels Official Girlfriend Uniform.

- Wait, KayJay is like a one-woman soap.  She’s on her second marriage, is still legally married actually, has at least one kid, has a restraining order on her current husband, just filed the annulment papers after one month of marriage...Jesus!  All she needs to say is “And we had to sell our double wide at a loss” to put the icing on this cake.

- Bingo.  Superworms drops the pass on Brett.  He pretends like he doesn’t want to do it and we go to commercial.

- Back and he’s still pretending like this is unexpected and awkward.  Then he finds a way to turn this into a “I’m a horny rock star” again.  Douche-fessional about how he’s hoping for a naked cat fight and how Superworms ordering KayJay to leave “kinda turned me on.” So did Big John in his red bandanna.

I know, I used that joke last week.  If Bret’s gonna say the same dumb shit every week, so am I.

- Superworms mounts Douche and they start chatting.  Bret sells her a used car tells her he’s glad she interrupted the date.  Does he know that we just watched him a few seconds ago saying he wasn’t glad, and that this flip-flopping makes him look like a huge, bald liar?

See also; SUPER GUYLINER!

They make out.  KayJay comes back.  So that’s it?  What the fuck?  Why did she leave when KayJay came back out?  Oh, yeah, the producers told her to leave, see, because KayJay has to get interrupted a second time, and she can’t do that if Destiney is still out there.  Time to switch so we can have our second VIP pass moment.

- Daisy’s turn.  Bret cuts her off at the knees and says “Are you doing this just to make her mad.” He also says that he and Daisy have a lot to talk about, and they can’t accomplish it in ten minutes.  So thanks for confirming that this is all scripted out, Douche.  There was never any mention of a ten minute time limit.  Daisy bops away.  Up in the room that is apparently Skank Central, she seems worried that she pissed off King Douche of Scrote-ovia.

- KayJay Tells Bret she’s a bit overwhelmed by all the girls coming at her.  Douche confessionals that this is a bad thing because how will she handle all the ladies coming at her back stage if she’s his girl?

Does Bret think it’s still 1988?  Four fat broads in Des Moines do not a harem make, Douchey.  Anyway...the big setup here is that KayJay’s in peril.  Bret closes this chunk of video with a sage and wise saying: “Sometimes it’s the right place at the right time, but you know, maybe inevitably it’s the wrong place at the wrong time.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  Douche Svengali Michaels has spoken, y’all.

KayJay’s worried.

- Oh here we go.  The producers told Bret Bret decided to go find Daisy, as she’s been smelling onions for an hour preparing emotionally for her scene upset and crying over the idea that she disrespected Douche by interrupting his date.  he then proceeds to sell her a used car, by which I mean he told her he was glad she interrupted.  Even though he told her he wasn’t glad a few minutes ago, and sent her away.  But pay no attention to the roadie behind the curtain!  he is the Great and Powerful Douche, and whatever he;s saying at this exact moment is the new truth.

He’s like the Bill Clinton of rock.  Without the charm.  Or class.  Here’s what I mean.  His confessional for this segment:

Daisy is talking to me in her bikini and crying, and I have a true moment, and then I look at her boobs.  I’m like, ‘Fuck, she looks hot.’ Back up to the crying, down to the breasts.  Sad to see ‘em go, but tonight I’ve got eliminations and I’ve got some serious thinkin’ to do.

So, douche.  Also, note the hats over the bed.

- Elimination time.  Silica is confident.  For some reason Aubry is really upset over the idea that Kristy Joe might get eliminated.  DUH DUH DUUUUUHHHHHHHH!  Oh the drama!  Will Kristy Joe be able to leap this hurdle?  Will Bret see the real her and keep her in this house?  Will Angelique finally find out that the source of that odor is the three quarts of semen trapped behind her cervix?  Stay tuned kiddies!  Commercial.

- During the commercial that bumper I mentioned last week plays again.  He looks like he was stung in the face by a bee.

- We’re back.  Oh my GOD.  I know that some of you who don’t watch this show think I exaggerate.  Sometimes I think I do, and I watch this shit.  Then I see things like this.

Sometimes the pure class that emanates from this show takes me aback.  That is one classy piece of set decoration.  The Olde English lettering, the printed backdrop of hundreds of candles, thematically reinforced by the actual lit candles right next to it...my god that screams “good taste.” It’s like something you might see in the lobby of The Drake .

- Elimination time.  Again, KayJay is worried.  Silica is feeling great because she slapped her cooze up in Bret’s grill.  PBR read her cuecards that said thinks KayJay is a cunt.  Douche walks in with Pete Wentz levels of guyliner on. 

- First pass goes to: Superworms. he says she truly used her VIP pass properly.  What?  You told her that it was awkward and was she sure she wanted to do it, you talked to her for three minutes, made out for five, then she went away.  When Daisy did it you said it was both wrong and a good thing.  are you even aware of what you are saying any more?

I really fear that VH1 thinks we’re all this stupid.  Can most people really not see through this?

- Second one goes to Daisy, who was “classy and cool” when she interrupted his date.  Uhh.  WTF?  Oh, and Last of the Black-hicans thinks maybe she should have used her pass.  Sorry, baby.  They;re trying to give reasons to cut you without making it look like Bret’s kicking you out for you know...oh come on, you know.  Being an Obama voter.  Being a BET watcher.  Oh for fuck’s sake, how many times do I have to say it?  Bret will not date you, you’re black.

Sorry.  Also, Awesome-ometer: 2.

- Next, SCARY RUSSIAN (shut up!) BROAD gets one.  Vamps gets a pass.  Sequel gets a pass.  PBR gets a pass.  Oh my, it’s coming down to the wire for poor KayJay!  Awesome-ometer; 3.  Hombre gets one.  Chazz too.  Fivehead gets a pass.  Awesome-ometer: 4.  He doesn’t say it all episode and BAM!  Three awesomes like, bang bang bang.  You know what else he does that fast?  Look, I don’t want to spread rumors, but I hear things.  Not really, but wouldn’t it be awesome if we could start

- We’re down to Roxy, Angelique and KayJay.  Why’d he keep Fivehead over any of these?  Did he even talk to her at all during this episode?  DRAMATIC CHORDS STRIKE AS WE GO TO COMMERCIAL.

- We’re back.  The ladies are confessionaling how they want a pass, they;d be upset if they didn’t get a pass.  Blah blah blah.  KayJay gets the pass.

HOLY FUCK, SILICA’S OFF THE SHOW!  Awesome-ometer; 5.  Back to Silica.  But...but...she’s a comedy goldmine!  How DARE they do this?  I swear to fuck the intern that types out her subtitles better not be responsible for this.  if that little fucker complained about how much extra work he has because of her...fuck you, Rock of Love intern.  LOOK AT HOW MUCH I TYPE FOR YOUR FUCKING SHOW!  The least you can do is keep me entertained with really frightening, possibly-a-tranny stripper whores with duck faces!  I hate you all.  I hope everyone at VH1 dies in a fire.

Goodbye Angelique.  We’ll miss you.

- Say goodbye to the black girl.  Wait, what?  While talking to her and basically chastising her for not using her VIP interruption pass, he says the other VIP girls used their passes repeatedly to the point where he had to say “You can’t use it again.” WELL WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU SHOW US THAT PART?  Oh, I know.  It would have taken precious screen time away from the “Will Kristy Joe make it?” storyline, and also, may have entertained us, and we wouldn’t want that!

- Time to say goodbye to Silica.  He says she’s a free spirit and whatever, but he’s been down this road recently with someone that he liked.  Is he talking about Heather?  Or maybe that stripper he;s always going on about who broke his heart?  Not sure I get that reference, although Silica seemed to get it.  She doesn’t seem too broken up about this.  Of course, she knows that this is Los Angeles, and in eleven minutes she can be riding another balding millionaire with bad eyesight.  She’ll be fine.

- Next week...they are building motor cycles.  KayJay is the new Sam, all conflicted about staying, with the screaming and crying and bi-polarness.  OK.  I guess you can get Oscars for shit like that, so good for her.  Also, Aubry gets all up in Douche’s grill.  Fun.  I suppose.  ;) Also, I heard a “Ah-whassa-goin-awn” in there.  Yay!

- BTW: What the fuck?  That was it with Lacey?  That sucked.

See you next week, Rock-of-Lovers.  Only get off my ass about that Russian-Ukrainian stuff already.  ;)

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I tend to give these “ladies” nicknames, so to help keep them straight I’ll add a glossary of who is left each week.  Aren’t they the lucky ones…

Angelique - Silica, for the massive amount of fake material in her face/nose/lips/boobs/body.  Plus, brain like a rock.  She’s a Z-list porn star (NSFW!)
Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
KayJay - Kristy Joe.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The following “ladies” have not yet distinguished themselves enough to earn a name, although i suspect that will all change by the end of week 2’s whorefest.

Daisy
Korie
Roxy
Sara
Niki

And we begin.

- Awesome-ometer was at 11 last week.  Will he beat it?  The “awesome” in the recap doesn’t count.  Recap is about Courtney’s drinking and Ambre’s “second chance.”

- We open on a typical RoL morning.  Whores are snoring all safe in their beds, while visions of acrylic heels dance in their heads.

- Courtney wakes up from her bender and Peyton tells her she’s out. “That sucks.” “I’m going home because I’m a dumb bitch.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  I have a zero tolerance policy for “poor me” drunks, and a zero tolerance policy for hot girls who play the “I’m so ugly” game.  Courtney is 0 for 2 and She.  Is. Outta here.

- While getting their faces on, Sara says she’s here on a dare.  This makes SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD angry, and she plans to become the Heather/Red Cuntya by running to Bret.  Sara should be careful that Inna doesn’t try to eat her, or use her as a barbell.  Oh, here we go.  Vamps is doing Inna’s dirty work for her.

Can I just take a moment to say that Vamps has a brilliant psychological ploy at work here? 

The bandanna.  Bret won’t even understand when he’s so drawn to it, but I mean, fake blonde, loads of makeup, not really bright?  It’d be like fucking himself, and you know that’s got to appeal to him.  So she’s going outside to get at Bret and tell him all about Sara.  She asks him what he’s looking for, and Douche is not even trying to hide it this time.  He’s not pretending this is about his heart, or any kind of real thing.  “Physical attraction and chemistry, that’s the most important.” That’s our Douche!  deep like a puddle.

Anyway, Aubry’s tattle-tale act didn’t work yet, but you know how Douche is.  It’ll be the excuse he uses to eliminate a black girl.  Although Sara seems like maybe she’s Indian or half-black, half Indian.  Whatever she is, she’s pretty and Douche will eliminate her because she’s not white.

- John calls everyone to the living room and he has a “note” from Bret.  Silica read it.  No one understood what she said and they think it’s a Very Brady Special Episode: The Talent Show.  No, ladies, he wants you to press your pissflaps on the plexiglass.  Sure, I guess in some circles that’s a talent.  Anyway, it’s a talent show.

- Superworms plans to “kung fu,” whatever the fuck that means.  Silica is baking.  The talented part is, she’s using her own vagina as an oven.  Oh yeah, she had a convection attachment installed last time she was in for a lip-pump.  Sara is belly dancing.

- OK, remember, they think it’s a talent show.  They all think they are supposed to display an ability.  Hombre is “good at wrapping presents and stuff.” So she’s wrapping herself up. I think that about wraps up any speculation on her intelligence.  See what I did there?  Where’s a rimshot when you need one?

- Niki is writing a poem.  Peyton says shes sweet but that sucks.  Hey Sequel; Bret starts every day with a shit-tastic poem.  Go tell him how cheesy poetry sucks and watch the doorjamb as Big John chucks your whiskey throat out on the street.

- Oh God.  Such class. 

Yeah.  Not a talent show ladies.  You have 30 seconds to humiliate yourself and if he likes you, he can drop a token and he might let you be objectified for another 15 seconds.

- Vamps is first.  She’s going to play drums.  I’m scared.  Commercial.

- Back...Douche is dying to see some punani.  Vamps cannot play for shit.  It sounds a lot like what you here when that one stoned guy sits on the throne at a music store before an employee cn stop him.  Shit like that is why they don’t keep the drumsticks within a few feet of the drum kits anymore…

- Superworms did her Kung-Fu.  We got a “kick ass” from Douche, so I guess I need to start that meter running too...it “turned him on” and he used a token. (at this point I think we all realize that Bret is turned on by virtually anything.  If it involves women in any capacity, somehow he’ll find a way.  Other things that turn him on; stiff breezes, alcoholic stupors, Big John) Speaking of booze he’s on beer number two already.  Diabetesman.  So intelligent.

Niki did her cheesepoem.  Awful.  his reaction?  “Eh” with the douchebag hand gesture.  Nice.  All class.  he poem was better than his.

- Korie’s talent was to write “marry me” on a piece of paper.  Only she spelled it “merry.” Like “Merry Christmas.” Yes, Virginia, you are an idiot.

- Catherine also did a poem, which he also didn’t like.  Dude, they’re out-writing you.

- KayJay started ironed clothes, then started taking them off.  Here’s where Douche and I agree; super hot babes doing your laundry and then demanding that you “rock them” is fucking hot.  I know, that’s like, misogynistic to the max, dude, but I don’t care.  Hot ironing, hot stripping, talking dirty. 

What’s not to love?  All that was missing was a blow job and then her bringing him another beer.

- Oh for fuck’s sake.  Chazz just stands there in a flag bikini, giggling and jiggling, doing a “magic” trick where she puts a red, a white and a blue thong into a bag then pulls a flag out and holds it up.  Backwards.

That’s it.  I just want to fucking punch her.  Let me explain.  See, when KayJay did the whole “serving you” thing, she was obviously choosing to role-play and get some shit going.  Megan plays the dumb blonde giggly shit because she’s fucking functionally retarded and doesn’t know any better.  She is the kind of woman that, were I female, I think I would hate.  I hate her now, and she’s actually hot.  But I don’t care.  I’d rather lick Vampirella’s teeth - in the morning - than spend five minutes with Megan even if she was naked and diddling herself while moaning my name.

Wait, what did I just say?  What am I, gay?  I’m just trying to say I hate her.

- Sara does her dance and I hate to say it, Douche is right.  She did a belly dance without showing her belly.  Still, if that was an implanted white girl, he’s be making a “it turned me on” joke about the jangling bits on her costume.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD tied a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue.  *I* can do that.  Seriously.  Do you want to fuck me now, Bret? (Because you can.  With a condom, and for $643,827.42, but still, you can)

- Hombre’s turn.  She’s working the present idea, and she teased it right to the end until he dropped the token.  Yeah, I can see where this is going.  Whoever said the thing about her being a story for the show was spot-on.  “Almost Eliminated Girl Make Finals Of Fat Faced Douchebag’s Reality Show”

- Daisy.  She sang (not well) and wobbled back & forth...but she looks like twelve million kinds of hot in her Foreplay dress, so does it fucking matter what she did?  She’s also a different kind of slutty whore.  She seems to me like she owns her slutdom and just wants to rock out and be a slutty whore while she can.  She;s not playing dumb because she’s got no choice, she’s playing rock whore because she finds it fun.

Or I could be wrong and she’s got a brain like a fruitfly.

- Peyton is playing the guitar and singing.  Surprise!!!  Husky blues-rock voice. Not really a surprise, BTW.  She can actually do it though.  Now I know who she reminds me of.  She’s just like Dilana from Rock Star Supernova.  It’s like, at one time she might have been young and almost attractive, but then she decided to smoke meth for seven years while running with a biker gang, and her face never recovered.  Still...she’s talented, a bit, and now we know why she’s here; record deal.

- Silica is up next.  She just took off her clothes and put ‘em on the glass.  She painted herself with the chocolate mousse and licked it off her own tits.  Bret pulled out the “spiritual connection” line again.  WRITERS!  We need new dialogue for Mr. Michaels!

- We didn’t see everyone did we?  We didn’t see Five Head or Roxy.  Douche picked Peyton due to her talent.  Daisy (rockin’ bod, obviously) KayJay got a nod for being sexy, but Hombre wins the date for originality.

Ooooookay.  Like we didn’t know Hombre was going to be the big “winner.” Awesome-ometer: 1!  WTF?  He’s under-using one of his catchphrases!

- Some of the ladies went to bed early (all the VIPs), because he told them not to.  Err...."None of you go to bed early, cuz I’m ready to have a good time tonight.” You know, following instructions in this kind of situation, that’s pretty important.  When you are trying to get the washed-up rock star to be your sugar daddy, you sort of need to do what he says.

He’s confused as to where everyone is.  “Don’t go to bed early, it’s in Bret Michaels’ book of rock & roll rules.” I gotta say, he’s right.  Rule number one of hanging with famous people; NEVER.  LEAVE.  EARLY.  Be the last one out.  It is, without fail, the number one rule.  Never leave early.  Ever.  Unless you just don’t give a fuck.  In which case, fuck him and his magically expanding wig.

OH JESUS........."Do we need some music in this place?  Do you want me to play some music?” SO fucking fishing for them to say yes.  “Do you want me to play some music?” Why, is the CD player broken?  Does no one have a frigging iPod?  Do we really need to gather around you in half-circle and watch you play Every fucking Rose acoustically a-goddamned-gain?  Oh we do?

Sorry.  My bad.  I guess it’s really important!  Look what it does for some people.  That is one hell of a look on her face.

- He’s “pissed” about the VIPs not hanging out...he’s decided to hold an “old school dance contest” tomorrow and the winner gets “real VIP treatment” WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WRITE?  I know the words, but I don’t see how they apply or what they mean.  It really feels scripted, I don’t see how that just came into his head.  I mean, if you are him and there are four VIP girls that didn’t hang out late at night with you, is the first thing you think ‘Well, I’ll just hold an old school dance contest!  That’s show those bitches!” WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

So I’m having a party at the house, with all of you.  You’re all hanging out in my living room/dining room and we’re laughing and drinking and you’re watching me play Bioshock or something, cuz I’m so awesome and kick-ass at it.  So then we notice that...umm...Rann isn’t in the room.  I ask, and someone says he went upstairs an hour ago.  So instead of ‘Hey, anyone check on him to see if he’s OK?” or, maybe, “Hey, go drag his ass downstairs, I’m about to kill Andrew Ryan with a golf club...again!” I calmly and decisively announce that we are going to have an “old school dance contest” because that’ll fucking teach him!

How is that anything but a scripted reaction?

Anyway, he’s “mad” and sending the other girls to eff with the VIPs.  They tell them about the “old school dance off” and Daisy and Destiney’s reaction is fairly similar to mine. “What year is this?” and “Fucking kiss my ass.” I certainly understand where they’re coming from.  Commercial.

- OH MY GOD THE CHICKS THAT WENT TO BED EARLY ARE SLEEPING IN THE MORNING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!  Ominous music sounds.  Big John tells them that VIPs are not protected and if something is happening they need to put in an appearance.

HOLY fuck she’s an entirely different human being without all that shit on her face.  Someone take her makeup case away.

- A new shitfuckminderasemakemedumber poem from Bret telling the winners to get ready for their date.  They leave and Chazz is torqued.  She needs to explain that she was exhausted and trying to get her beauty sleep, and then she said, and I quote “I was just trying to be hotter for him, if that’s possible.”

Ok.  That’s it.  I want her dead, I want her family dead, if she has a little yappy dog I want it dead too.  I cannot go forward knowing that someone this fucking bubbleheaded is dragging down the national IQ.  Megan. Must. Die.

So the sleeping bitches decide to make a card for him.  Sure.  That;s the first fucking spontaneous idea that would come to the brain of a bubblehead like Chazz.  A fucking card.  That’s not in any way a written bit from the production crew.  And the fact that there is poster board, glitter, glue, markers and probably a goddamned easel won’t be a setup either.  Doesn’t every rock & roll mansion have a crafts room?

- Cut to the date: four-wheelin’.  Bret makes his usual douche entrance by speeding up over the crest of a tiny little hill and unveiling his bandanna covered head.  Then he does a commercial for California somefuck Motor something, the idiots that supplied the quad-runners.  he picked ATVs because he thnks they make people want to fuck.

YOU ARE OVERDOING THE WHOLE “I’M A HORNY ROCK STAR, LOOK AT HOW VORACIOUS MY LIBIDO IS!” Seriously.  No one makes this make sex jokes about every fucking little fucking motherfucking thing they do, you big bald douchebag.  Bret Michaels is a balding douchebag.  I’m a lot of things, and people can find a million reasons to mock me, but i will die someday, and on my death bed, i swear to you, my last words, or near to my last, will be “At least I wasn’t a douchebag like Bret Michaels.”

Also, he did the robot.  Like the dance.

They rode them, and the ladies drove as well as anyone else.  Hombre took to it pretty well.  Oh look, Ambre has yet another connection to Bret!  Oh my, what a strange and wonderful coincidence!

- Cut back to the house; SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and Silica are going to organize the “old school dance contest” since no one else is.  Whatevs.  Meanwhile, on the set of Martha Whore Living, Superworms, Five Head and Chazz are creating a tea cozy out of old maxi pads and an unused chastity belt.  Or they’re crafting a “card” out of “stuff they found in their room.” Yeah.  I believe that.

- Cut to the date.  Lunch, and douche is complimenting Sequel.  He’s bonding with her and Daisy over music and Hombre is left out.  Oh wait, the scripts calls for him to bond with her too, so now we’re doing that.  Oh look, they drove over to a picnic area.  He’s asking her what she’s into.  He’s feeding her questions and she’s acting like she likes him, then they bring up the “I almost let her go” thing again.  For fuc’s sak////what am I, stupid? 

1. The pre-setup picnic area.
2. His utterly disinterested fake tone when feeding her cues asking her questions
3. Her remarkably bad acting - it wasn’t her seven year relationship that stifled her career, it’s her shitatstic “talent.”
4. The constant referencing of how she almost got thrown off
5. His stupid fucking joke about how she;s the best kisser and he got “movement.” In his pants, see.  that;s another one of Bret’s really, really funny jokes that lets you know he’s a horny rock star who gets more ass than a toilet seat.  isn’t he wonderful?  All the ladies want to fuck him and all the men want to be him! 

Or puke on him.  I get those things mixed up.

- back to the house.  The VIPs got all whored up and are sitting in front of the door with their card.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD decides this is offensive.  Her and Silica get all whored up and this make Superworms all sorts of upset.  ‘They’re like, copying us.”

OHMIGAWD!  They’s so totally like, bitches or whatever?  And like, complete skanks or whatever.  We’re like, totally awesome and classy or whatever?  And Bret’s gonna want to marry us all or whatever!  You spell merry with an O, right?  Not like that totally dumb girl Korie or whatever, We spell it good.

- Date: Hombre and Douche are done playing make believe.  No one else got alone time, so the whole setup looks even more fake.

- House: The competition to be the most childish whore EVER heats up.  The first whores...hey, if the three of them keep hanging out, that is totally their team name: The First Whores.  Anyway, they get chairs and put them directly in front of the door.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and Angelique get chairs and put them in front of theirs, closer to the door.  At this point, I expect Angelique to put her chair down at the end of the driveway and sit there doing the V For Vagina two-finger spread pose.  Commercial.

OH Sweet fuck.  VH1 plays these bumpers in between breaks for reality shows.  In this one, Bret is wearing one unbelievable wig.  When I say “unbelievable” I mean “something that you cannot believe,” not just an exclamatory adjective.  I mean it literally.  Who the fuck does he think he’s fooling?  He’s got Kevin Dubrow syndrome.

If only Bret would die of a cocaine overdose.

Was that going too far?

- House: Shit is getting tense in front of the door.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is all “Shut the fuck up.” Douche comes in.  SRB and Silica fawn over him and then for no reason whatsoever, leave the room, so that the next scripted moment can happen.  This is so much more scripted than last year.  It’s almost unwatchable.  So the broads give him the card.  It’s “awesome.” Awesome-ometer; 3.  Taking it easy on the “awesomes” in favor of seventy-three thousand jokes about doing “it,” Douchebag?

- No.  I will not comment on how he said “These girls are taking the bull (douchebag hand gesture of stroking a cock) by the horn.” FUCK.  I just did.  DAMN YOU BRET MICHAELS.

- Inna is judging the “old school dance contest.” Bret forgot about the “old school dance contest.” Bret will be watching the “old school dance contest” while wearing his shit-tacular “American Outlaw” hat.  Dude, that thing must REEK of wig glue.

Oh yeah, we were talking about the “old school dance contest.” See, the reason I keep typing “old school dance contest” is because HE KEEPS SAYING IT.  The producers wrote down old school dances on slips of paper.  Like “the robot and “running man.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  The winner gets a pass that lets them chuck another girl the hell out of there in any situation and take her place, basically.  Under the rules he gave, he could be on a date, and a pass holder can make him chuck the girl on the date and take her place.  Such a writing ploy.

- Oh, hey!  Roxy is still on the show.  also, SRB and Silica get to control who wins.  Do they not get to win the passes then?  Seems like it would be an important thing to win if it was real.

- Vamps gets “the shopping cart.” I don’t even know what that is.  KayJay got The Worm.  She moves like she has a rod up her ass.  he of course confessionals a stupid joke about her breasts, trying to be oversexed again.  Seriously, this is just pathetic now.  Chazz got moonwalking.  She shuffled backward.  At least she knew it was supposed to go backwards.  Korie got “the hammer.” What the fuck?  We also see the lawnmower, the cabbage patch (I remember that one) the robot, the funky chicken, the running man, the pony, (Daisy got an awesome - Awesome-ometer: 4!) and then they go to decide, aka “say the stuff the writers gave us.” I have no idea what the fuck happened.  I think that, because of the nationalities of the two judges, Bret made a “non-binding resolution” joke, except this is actually binding, so the fucking joke doesn’t work.

Roxy, Superworms and Daisy win.

- Elimination time.  Silica is confident.  of course you will stay.  You’re a frightening monster who is willing to play a total bitch on camera!  You are a shoo-in to make the final four.  Commercial.

- Back.  Ladies are lined up like hookers in the front parlor of a whorehouse.  Which is pretty goddamned accurate, actually.

- Douche is again, dressed fairly nicely.  Stylist!  White shirt, matching white bandanna, super sweet wig.  Totally sweet and thick with a sheen like the soft hind end of a pale horse.  Oddly enough, that’s were they got the wig hair, so it all works out.

- Something has been bothering The Douche.  Oh look, it’s the Sara thing!  What. A. Surprise.  Bret calls her out, and she tries to backpedal.  Inna goes apeshit and calls her out as a liar.  She kinda is.  Inna’s still a bitch.  or, playing a bitch I should say.

So Douche stops the yelling, calls Sara down and gives her the boot.  Hey, look!  He found a reason to kick out a non-white girl!  Two down, one to go!

- Inna gets the first pass.  Holy shit on a stick.  Does VH1 broadcast in high def?  Because if they do, this must be one scary broad at 1080p.

You know what’s weird?  Inna’s a white girl.  Why is her face the same color as Sara’s at elimination?  Did they hire Helen Keller to do makeup?

- Sequel gets a pass.  Hombre gets one too, and YET AGAIN he brings up that she almost left and YET AGAIN she brings up the “connection.” Superworms gets the next pass.  Chazz too.  Awesome-ometer: 5.  Daisy, Roxy, Jessica, KayJay (she makes a funny.  Sorta.  “Will you stay and blah blah blah” she said “No.” Then laughed.  ha. Ha.)

- Catherine gets a pass.  Told you, she’ll be here until around 7 or 8 left, then get the boot with a big speech about how wonderful she is.  Catherine is a stand-in for the upper end of Bret’s aging fanbase.

- Vamps gets a pass!  Phew!  I thought yet another broad I gave a nickname to would be leaving.

- Korie, Niki and Silica left, I think we all know who is staying.  Commercial.

- Back.  Wow, Douche went heavy on the guyliner. 

- Hey, shocker, Angelique stays.  OH MY.  The kiss thing.  Oh my god.  She tried to tongue kiss Bret with those dead things on her face, and the tongue coming out and VH1 actually taped a close-up of her mouth-hole

Christ.

- Douche says goodbye to Niki.  Same shit.  “If this was a different time, blah blah blah.” Hire new writers, dude.  he says goodbye to Korie, who confessionals that she was the best girl in the house.  By best, did she mean “second dumbest next to Megan?”

- Scene from the next: Lacey, bitches, in some roller derby.  Also, KayJay gets painted as the lying bitch and drama at eliminations.  KayJay, if you get kicked off the show this early, you will NEVER get Playboy Cybergirl of the Month!

OK, we’re done.  There’s three hours we’ll never get back.  See you next week!

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- We broke yesterday at the 30 minute mark.  Bret had just finished up his “VIP time” (sweet merciful Minerva that just sounds so fucking douchey).  Now it’s time for the rest of them to mingle.  Big John: “The rest of you have one hour.  There will be an elimination tonight, so get at it.” Yeah whores!  Throw your meatflaps on the glass, bitches!  Time to bag you a sugar daddy.

- Angelique (Silica, that’s the new and final name for her) is aggressive...wait.  WAIT.  STOP.  Hold the fucking phone.  As I was formulating some kind of new insult for Silica, Douche McFuckingCocksuckingDickragDouchefuck drops the “knowledge” replete with hand gesture.  “All the girls bombarded me but you know what? One of the things you do when you take rock & roll 101 training is to handle bombardment.  Bombardment and rock & roll go (douchebag hand gesture of bringing his hands together and intertwining his fingers, coupled with super serious look of pure douche concentration on his face) hand in hand.”

It’s like someone made a new Massengil fragrance: Cheesy Cheddar Douche.

- Roxy pulls him away and hops in his lap.  She’s laying the “I’ll do anything” vibe on him.  She gets maybe eleven seconds before more girls show up and try to pile on his lap.

- Off to the side, we have the wallflower/nice girl crew forming.  Ambre, Kristy Joe, some ugly chick (I know, that really narrows it down) the “fat brown girl” (sorry, she said it and now it’s the only thing I can remember about her.  Dunno her name yet) and the cross-eyed, five-headed one.  There might have been a couple more.  Superstar Molly Shannon-alike, someone else, the old one.  These are the non-slut whores.  They’re just emotional and reputation whores, not actual physical streetwalking, fuck-ya-for-a-fiver whores.

- Catherine admits she’s 45.  Nailed it. She looks exactly that old, maybe five years older.  To her credit, she flat-out said it, so it’s not like she’s lying or anything.  Bret will keep her just long enough to not anger his older fans.  So she’s having a Rodeo-type conversation with him about kids when Silica invades...ok, here’s the thing.  he was CLEARLY aggravated with her pulling her “We need to talk to Bret now, you’ve had him for five minutes” nonsense.  He reacted to her with that barely-disguised annoyance that he used on Ms. “Don’t threaten me with a good time” from last season.  “Gimme two seconds.” But then he does a douchebag confessional where he says that “Frenchy’s” (his name for her) neediness turns him on in “some sick way.” Why does he do that?  Why does he feel the need to make himself into a bigger fucking dickbag than he already is?  There’s no need to compound the douchery.  It’s like his dial is set at megadouche as it is.  And yet, I feel like he can attain hereto untold levels of pure dickbaggery.

- One of the chicks is in her bra & panties, tryng to mount Bret, and Kristy Joe mentions she won’t strip off and throw herself at him.  But, she does playboy.  GOOGLE HERE I COME.  The following links are Not Safe For Work:  Kristy Joe 1 - A few more from that shoot - Kristy Joe with lighter hair.

Smoking bod.  Clearly here for the publicity.

- We see one of the shy girls kiss him on the cheek for 0.000064 nanoseconds.  It elicits another awesome.  Awesome-ometer: 8.

- Inna pulls out the “daddy issues” speech.  Oh, she’s the one in her underwear.  Kristy Joe says she;s not used to chasing guys and she’s got no game...and to illustrate that, Bret closes the door in her face.  Commercial.

You know, I would never close the door on a woman that fine.

- Moving inside, Bret is chatting with Jackye.  Mostly due to her stupid name, I want to call her Sockeye.  She doesn’t look *that* much like a salmon.  Well, OK, a little.  There is also an element of personal experience at play here.  I know that full-blooded Italian girls are often..."fragrant." Let’s just leave it at that and call her Sockeye.  Anyway, he’s talking with Niki and Sockeye.  As it turns out, Niki is shy and doesn’t really look like Molly Shannon in this light.  She’s actually kind of pretty.  Not gonna make it in this house, but whatever.

Oh and Douche is all “We could have a great fuck one night.  What makes us go beyond that?” Not being a total cock?

- Courtney (Fat Brown Girl) is fucking blotto.  She’s apparently been at the whiskey all night.  Ambre (who seems like a nice person but spells her name like an idiot, so she’s now known as Hombre) has decided to be her babysitter.  Courtney’s one of those “I’m fat annni’m ugly, issh okay, ish ogay” drunks. 

- Kristy Joe and Missi have been paired off all night...they finally track down Douche and once again he walks away.  This time he has to pee.  He gets distracted by Sockeye poledancing.  meanwhile, Missi and Kristy Joe and sitting on this couch, waiting for Douche to come out of the bathroom.  Which will never happen, because he’s playing rock star and watching Sockeye dance.  Poor kids.  Luckily Big John directs Bret back to them.  Aren’t they lucky!

In all seriousness, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FORGET THAT A STUNNING PLAYBOY MODEL IS WAITING FOR YOU TO FINISH PISSING, AND INSTEAD GET DISTRACTED BY A WOMAN SO AVERAGE HER NICKNAME IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS FIVE?  Jesus Everloving fuck.  Then, because Bret Michaels is a douchebag, he confessionals this priceless gem: “There’s something about Kristy Joe’s cold personality that just wants me to find out what she’s about.”

Now if he stopped there, I could totally understand.  I kind of dig her ice queen act too.  Plus...I mean...did you see her?  But nope...Bret cannot leave it at anything like an intelligent comment.  he’s set his phasers on douchekill.  He finishes the thought with “Plus I want to massively suck her face.”

Really?  “Suck her face?” What are we thirteen?  Why am I even surprised anymore when he says this shit?  He basically blows them off, BTW.  Kristy Joe doesn’t want to kiss him, and they’re playing it in editing like she’s a freak who requires a clean room.  What woman in her right mind would want to make out with Bret after he’s throat-fucked an army of skeezers?  Another skeezer, that;s who.

Not only is Kristy Joe hot as balls, but I think she;s maybe the only semi-intelligent one here.  Bret’s mouth is a cesspool of supervirii and mega-bacteria by now.  I’d think these ladies would want to hit that shit with some Toilet Duck or something before they kiss him, but so far, KayJay is the only smart - and safe - one.  We may be looking at the Jes of this season.  RUN!  I TRIED TO TELL JES, BUT SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN!  RUN AWAY!  GO!  NOW!

- Douche macks on Jessica, who is going to ”make him get to know me.” OK then.  You go right ahead, sister.  Get in line, and when you are done, here’s the number for a couple of local clinics you’re going to want to visit.  Yep...tongue-kissing.  She’s like 14 or 18 tonight.

- Holy fuck, Courtney is passed the fuck out.  Seriously.  Passed out, like draw-on-her-face-in-sharpie passed out.  Doh.

- John tells everyone to get ready for eliminations.  Apparently they got Courtney up.  She’s trying to find an outfit..."Am I ugly or do I need to go home?” Oh Jesus.  Nothing like a little self-esteem to attract a man, eh?  Maybe I’m just a prick, or as I get older I don’t give a fuck anymore, but that immediately makes me think that if I were the guy here, I’d just cut her ass with the quickness.  Not for being a drunk.  For being a “poor me” drunk.

She can’t stand up...two other girls are trying to help her.  EVS.  Cut her.

- Fifteen beds, 20 girls.  Everyone all worried.  Look, it’s simple; the closer he got to your vagina tonight, the more likely it is that you will be staying.  You can guarantee a bed by slapping yoru meaty lips on his arm or something.  Splorch.  Oh look, a wacky wallwalker!

Courtney is too drunk to go to eliminations.

- Jesus fuck Christ, I didn’t even notice it before.  The Hollywood Taxi is parked in the main hallway that Douche comes down to leave...I guess his bedroom?  I swear to God I want to firebomb that goddamned bike now.  WE GET IT, BRET.  WE FUCKING GET IT.

Wig’s looking so fine, by the way.  And they hired a stylist, because he’s dressed well in an all-black suit.  Bandanna, of course.

- Elimination starts.  Puff-face notices that Courtney is missing.  They move on.  First pass if for: Chazz (Megan).  Duh.  There’s a fucking surprise.  He’s so going to bang her eighty times before this show is over.  Awesome-ometer: 9 Inna hates her.  I’d be scared.

Daisy gets the next one, and he calls her his sex kitten.  I’m so bored with his ridiculousness I don’t have a joke for that.  Superworms (Destiney) gets the next one.  Vamps (Aubry) gets the next one, which breaks the VIP string, as ETBPRâ„¢ has not received one yet.  Maybe he sent a notice to her Myspace.  He’s doing that “will you stay and rock my world” shit again.  Peyton gets the next pass.  Wow, she’s actually scary looking up close.  What the fuck was I thinking when I said she was okay-looking? 

Inna, Korie, Jessica, Roxy, and Sara get the next five rapid-fire.  Then we pause for a little speech how he “just likes this person” as he keeps Catherine.  KayJay calls her “old.” Yeah, she is, but sometimes these old broads get his number.  “Are you really into that?” Did you not see Heather?  We called her Stripper Grandma for a reason, nudiegirl.  Awesome-ometer hits 10 as KayJay gets a pass.  Douche wants her to get over her germ thing...if you bathe in bleach, maybe.  Chazz confessionals that this all seems weird and KayJay isn’t here for Bret.  I totally agree.  she’s here to further her Playboy career and maybe get centerfold out of this.

- Shygirl Niki gets a pass.  Silica gets a pass.  Douche “felt a spiritual connection when you took your shirt off.” *sigh* Daisy confessionals this: “Angelique, bless her heart, but I mean come on...are you serious?  I mean...seriously.” I so totally agree with that.  100% for the reals.  Angelique?  Seriously?  Why not just get a Real Doll and call it Angelique?  How would you tell the difference?

- One pass left.  We have Erin, Hombre, Courtney (sort of) Missi, Sockeye, and someone I don’t recognize.  Oh, it;s Ashley.  She;s fuckin’ memorable.  :) I don’t even know if that’s everyone, and I can’t be fucked to care, either.  They promo some kind of dramatic weirdness next, which makes Douche throw the remaining pass on the ground.  Commercial.

- Back, and Douche starts in on how he hates to let people go, yadda yadda.  The tension mounts.  Wait, no, that’s a fart.  Hang on.  OK, tension relieved.  The last person is going to be his “party buddy” (read: fuck towel) and it’s.........Sockeye!  Hooray for wild fish vagina.  This makes her the Brandi M. of this season.

- Oh shit...Sockeye tells him that before he got out there, she wanted to go home.  Anxiety and all that.  Then she says that seeing him now, she wants to stay.  WHATEVER.  There’s always one, isn’t there?  Honey, I told you, slap the cooze right on his thigh.  G’head!  Whip down your panties, if you stopped long enough to put any on, and slap that beefy taco right on his leg!  Leave an Italian vag slime trail down his Italian slacks, baby girl!

Well, that doesn’t happen.  He makes her re-decide if she really wants to stay, since if she stays, he might lose the chance to get near some other whore’s pussy...and she leaves so he can get some fresh ass.  Aww!  I gave her a nickname and everything.  Bye bye, Sockeye.  Oh yeah, Awesome-ometer; 11.

- So he flips Sockeye’s pass on the ground and says “I’ve got room for one more.”

Jesus.

First of all, you have to either be using this show for your career or have the lowest sense of self on earth to put up with this kind of reality dating shit.  But to sit there and have to be EXCITED that Fatface Michaels, oh He of the Extra Pancake Makeup had decided that although you weren’t good enough to make it, if you are really lucky and eat your peas and say your prayers, he might deign to keep your unworthy ass around another week.  “Now, five minutes ago, all you whore cunts were unworthy of my time, and I was literally throwing your nasty asses out on the street like so much garbage.  But, one of the whores I picked was mental, so now, I can keep one of you bitches around another week.  Aint you the fucking lucky ones?” He didn’t say that, but he may as well have.

Something Donna noticed; he was all “I’m not going to say your tour ends here” to Jackye.  He said they made a connection, they would stay friends.  One microsocond after she was out of sight, he threw her pass on the ground with disdain.

Yeah.  Some friend.  Bret Michaels is...I bet you can’t guess...ok, you got me; a douchebag. Bret Michaels is a douchebag.

I really wish whoever he picks next would tell him to go fuck himself.

- The pass goes to; Commercial.

- Back, and this could not end soon enough for me.  I’m actually angry with Douche right now.  Again.  Shocker, right?  ;) Anyway, Hombre gets it.

- Missi, Erin, Ashley, all go home.  Does Courtney go too?  Will they stretcher her out tonight?  Bring her to an emergency room?  Dump her by the side of the 405? So dramatic and stuffs.  Oh shit!  On the way out, Missi scores; “Is Nikki Sixx available?” Heh.  Good for her.  Even if she does have a bit of the crazyeye going.  :)

- ETBPRâ„¢ gets some sappy speech from Douche as she leaves.  Silica does a confessional where she mutters something about beauty and Bret looking for “more than (points to her own face) just a pretty face.”

WHAT THE COCK IS THAT SHIT?  Where’s the pretty face?  I see the goddamned Cloverfield monster.  Fake cheeks, nose, eyes, horrifying lips...she looks like a playdough woman that was left on the back deck of a hot car.

- Erin thinks that America will feel like Bret made the wrong decision.  Uhh, no we won’t.  I know you think that your Myspace is the center of the fucking universe, and every comment you get probably reinforces that, but one day you will grow up, sweetie, and you will learn that the world does not revolve around you, what you think or if you are alive or dead.  No one cares.  Trust me.  By the time you are 30, you’ll know; the world doesn’t even notice when you stop contributing.

- They are keeping Courtney for the night, but Bret tells the girls that when she wakes up, someone tell her that her tour has ended.  Nice guy.  all class, is Bret Michaels.  They open those ridiculous Bret-labeled beers and he does his “Ready to rock this house” thing again.  he’s so fucking...douchey.

Then we get the “this year on RoL” mahwn-tahge Guess who’s back?  Back again.  Lacey’s back.  Fucking run and hide.  Wait, that doesn’t rhyme.  Seriously, Red Cuntya?  Really?  Like I believe for one millisecond that Bret has kept in touch and really wanted her back?  Like I don’t know VH1 is bringing the bitch back?  I swear to fuck, if they play that Elton John song I will kill seventy-three people and blame it on Poison’s devil music. Oh, and Heather and Rodeo are back as well.  Drama, titties, you know the drill.  Fights, all kinds of stupid shit.  Stick around.

Unfortunately, I will.

Less

- Douche rolls up.  Not on the Hollywood Taxi, a show element used (overused?) in the first season...no, this time he’s got a proper cock replacement sports car.  Looks like a Ferrarri from the quick shot.

- “...that bitch goddess I call rock and roll.” OH fuck you.  The douche factor just went from 0 to 60 faster than that prancing horse.

- A mahwn-tahge recap of season 1, an intro of a “bigger, better mansion” and Big John, and then into the just fucking awful theme song.  I’m feeling the old hatred bubbling up.  Dear God I dislike this man.

- OK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE STOP SHOWING HIM DRIVING THE CAR.  We get it, he has a red ferrarri.

- First girl is actually a reality veteran...Megan was on Beauty & The Geek.  She’s “drawn to Bret like a nun to a convent.” First of all, WTF?  Second of all, liar.  You are drawn to reality TV you whore.  By the way, she’s the Brandi C. of the new season.  Wes, you were right on the money.

- Second “lady” is Peyton.  Bit of a whiskey voice, and she looks like maybe she’s downed a few in her lifetime.  Rough edges is what I’m trying to say.  Not a bad looking woman, just...rough.  Not sure who she is yet, but she reminds me of both Rodeo and Red Cuntya.

- Next we meet SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  In Soviet Russia, girl picks up you!  Literally.  This is...a strong-looking woman.  Not sure why she’s on this show, she seems better suited for American Gladiators.

- Destiney.  No, I didn’t spell that wrong.  SHE did.  “I’m bisexual.” And a coked-out stripper whore who learned how to put on makeup from a guy that just graduated clown college.

- Oh Christ.  Imagine it...A hot California summer day, the sun beaming down ever so brightly, not a cloud in the sky.  The camera is inside a gated driveway.  The motor clunks into motion and the gate draws back slowly to reveal...Bret with his headlights on for dramatic effect.  Unless Ferrarri has made daytime driving lights standard...in which case *I’m* the big douchebag here.

- Daisy gets a moment next.  The car made her hot.  Or nervous.  Or something.  I bet it’s a rental.

- Ambre.  Again, not a spelling mistake on my part. Bret takes her breath away.

- “Are we ready to rock this house?” I dunno, are you ready to get another fucking catchphrase, Douchehole?  How fucking hard can it be to think up things that play on the word “rock?” I know there’s a writers strike and all, but fuck, man…

- “We had a lot of rock of like, a ton of rock of lust but very very little rock of love.” OHMIGAWD I HATE HIM.  I WANT TO KICK HIS FACE IN WITH A STEEL TOE BOOT.  I want to start a new punk rock movement just to rebel against his fucking musical style in an effort to make certain that no one will ever mistake me for a Bret Michaels fan.  He makes me hate the 80s.

- “Awesome” number one!  So of course he has to tell us his douche-losophy (yeah, that’s a word now) in regards to what he’s looking for; hot.  His exact words were, emphasized, I might add: “physical attraction.” Then, after a dramatic pause he listed some other qualities.  Nice to see he hasn’t learned a goddamned thing from last season!  He then invites the ladies to get “completely naked” and have an awesome party.  Awesome number 2, AND!  AND!  AND!  We get our first “Ahwhassagoinawhn.” That saying is, with the exception of letting that poor woman tattoo his name on her neck last year, his single douchiest thing.  every time he says it, my skin crawls and my soul dies just a little bit.

AWESOME-ometer: 2.  Ahwhassagoinawhn-ometer: 1.

I can hardly believe this.  4 minutes in and he hasn’t mentioned diabetes or his kids!

- Big John lays down the ground rules like last year.  Same rules.

- We meet another girl...Kristy Joe.  She’s the first legitimately pretty girl we’ve seen so far.  WAAAAAAAAAY too much makeup in the “live action” part where she’s meeting bret.  Much better in her confessional where she’s wearing less.

- Aww!  Big John isn’t getting to kick five whores the fuck out...oh wait, Douche is making the cut.  He’s telling certain girls to “hang.” One of them is new...Erin, one of the black girls.  Erin is the “punk black girl” one from Central Casting.  You know the one..."Look, we hired a black girl...but she loves punk and is acceptable to white people!  Aren’t we good progressive people?” I hate reality producers.  Anyway....basically Bret’s like “Big John’s gonna talk to you and I’ll...(douche pause)...see you later.” Oh for fuck’s sake, like we don’t know they’re getting in.

- We meet Aubry, who is thrilled and relieved that she made it in the house.  Guess what, Aubs?  You’d be the big winner if you got cut.  Unless you are already carrying herpes and chlamydia.  In which case welcome to the house.

- Korie is going straight for the bar.  Yes.  Korie.  If these aren’t stripper names I will eat my own ass.

- The four chosen to “hang” are the VIPs.  This is so fucking stupid.  They’re not especially attractive.  He doesn’t know them in any way.  They were obviously picked by the producers for some stupid fucking reason.  They get a special suite and shit...GEE, WILL THIS CAUSE CONFLICT IN THE HOUSE?

I think I’m losing my patience for reality TV at large.  I am so fed up with the stupid tricks and manipulations.  Just throw these cock-and-fame-hungry whorebuckets into a house and then them claw and scratch and ooze coochie juice all over the place like sap from a maple until Bret decides one of them is stupid and fug enough to turn his crank!  We don’t need the bullshit.

- AAAaaannnnd so it starts.  All the bitches are mad at the other bitches.  One of them said “Step up your game.” Oh for fuck’s....VH1, I AM NOT A RETARD.  Wait.  I’m watching this.  And detailing every moment of it for your enjoyment.

I take that back.  I am a retard.  Commercial.

- Destiney decides to “rock the stripper pole” in her shoes, purchased expressly for the pole.  Does that make her a stupid whore, or a whorey idiot?  Hard to decide.  Six of one, half-dozen of the other.  Also, her mouth sort of looks like those red wax lips you used to get when you were a kid.  Or maybe like two dead superworms.

- Angelique take a run at the pole.  How can I put this?  Imagine a super-hot Polish model.  Say, Paulina Porizkova.  Now make every one of her feminine features a total mockery of what feminine parts are.  An almost comic-book exaggeration of female secondary sex characteristics.  Now, give her a husky tranny voice and a ridiculous “Boris and Natasha” accent.  Oh, and inflate her lips and extra 45% from whatever you imagined, because Angelique’s lips makes Destiney’s lips look like Kenneth Branagh’s lips.  She’s not even human anymore.  She’s got to be at least 65% silicone.  By the way, Silicone can’t strip, she sort of went headfirst into the ground.

- Oh christ...photo time again.  Really?  Just the exact same shit from last year?  When can we expect the date at the western-themed steak house, or the tattoo parlor outing?

- Finally, we get to hear from Catherine.  Catherine is O.L.D.  Whatever she’s telling the producers?  Add ten.  or twenty.  She’s not ugly, or worn out, but her personal style is frozen in a weird blend of 60s and 80’s-retro-60s.  Maybe people don’t remember, but at the end of the 80s, right before grunge and hip-hop dominated the fashion world for like, eleven minutes, there was a 60s retro revival, and this chick is totally frozen in time. 

Bret throws up the horns and does the tongue thing.  Only, like everything he does, it’s not cool or ironic.  It;s just douche.  He means it, and not in the way that an old-school metalhead means it.  He weilds it like some douche-weapon.  No, not a weapon.  Armor.  he throws up the horns as if to ward off the years, and his impending baldness, by declaring “LOOK AT ME, I’M COOL.” Only he;s not.  Fuck you, Bret Michaels.  Fuck you for being such a douchebag.  You killed my puppy...the puppy in my heart.

Also, Awesome-ometer: 3

Anyway, he starts doing the same shit he did last year while taking pictures.  Same patter, same dumb shit.  We meet, in order:

Jackye - she spelled it, not me.  Kind of fug Long Island-looking chick.

Jessica.  Donna thinks she’s pretty.  I think she’s cross-eyed, five-headed and sort of a sorority dime-a-dozen chick.  At least she spells her name normally.

Roxy - Another other black girl to whom he’ll give the boot to as soon as it’s socially acceptable to do so.  She’s really pretty.  One of the few.  The proud.  The chicks Douche McWornOutWhores will never go for.

- Catherine, who showed every day of her 45...maybe 50 years on this planet.

- Sara, another black girl.  Again, I don’t know why they bother, unless it’s for the publicity.  He’ll never pick them.  Mark my words.

- Oh god.  Angelique.  Jesus ever loving jumped up christ on a sidecar, she makes my dick want witness protection.  She’s like the anti-sex.  Five minutes with her and I don’t care how horny you are, you might never want to fuck again.  You know how kind of scary Pam Anderson is now?  And how it’s confusing because back in the day, she was hot like scotch bonnets?  But now you see her and you’re all “Ooh!  Pam!” but then the reality is, she’s worn out, diseased and has fucked three of the dirtiest, most unwashed motherfuckers on earth, so your balls sort of send a signal to your brain that says “NO!  FOR FUCKING FUCK’S SAKE NO!  ABORT!  ABORT!”

Well, Angelique is exactly like that expect no one was ever attracted to her.  She’s like a scary French version of a Pam Anderson sex doll.  Only dumber.

BTW, Douche was with Pammy, but he’s not one of the three.  They are Kid Rock, Rick Solomon and the king of unwashed balls, Tommy Monsterdick Lee.  Why should he wash?  It’s eleventy and a half inches long.  These whores would suck it if it was covered in motor oil.

Anyway...she got naked for him. “The first topless girl for me in life is sort of like a trailblazer.  She;s like a Lewis and Clark.” Would it really be so wrong if I hunted him down and shot him with a special shotgun filled with, oh fuck, I dunno, pages from a dictionary and the brain of someone who was much smarter but died in a car wreck?  Come on.  That should be allowed.

- Daisy, who also took off her top.  She’s sleeved as well, and while I have nothing against women with tattoos, sleeves on women are just fucking awful.  Sorry, inked-up ladies!  Anyone who isn’t trying to bang you will probably tell you the same thing.  Unless they work in a tattoo parlor.

- Peyton is up next.  Now, she keeps her clothes on, but she does every single cliche “web porn” pose there is, in rapid succession.  Don’t be surprised if someone doesn’t unearth her on a porn site or forty in the near future.

- Destiney.  Whatever.

- Inna does a split and humps the floor.  Bret is impressed.  It’s sort of inevitable.  She’s frightening, clearly a whore and a bit ugly so of course he loves her.  Right before this Kristy Joe says she’s not gonna whore herself out like these other girls.  well duh.  You;re actually attractive.  besides, he’ll cut you anyway.  You;re not blonde, older, ugly and a whore with daddy issues.

- Courtney has some broke-ass teefs.  Ouch. Cute though.  She’s not exactly “sexy hot whore stripper” comfortable in this scenario either.  Look for her to hang around as the wallflower who needs to be “brought out of her shell” and then cut.  Like Mia from last year.

- Ashley and her itty bitty titty problem.  Douche says she’s self-conscious in a room full of DDs.  She’s also not wearing nearly enough makeup.  Come on, Ashley!  You need to buy 36 pounds of saline and at least a wheelbarrow full of Mac before you can hang with this crew of elite, refined ladies gutter sluts.

- Missi.  Not sure where the issippi went.  Ba-dum-dum.  You see what I did there?  Like the state.  Anyway...she must not be very interesting.  or they know this segment is running long.  Then Ambre, Niki (who looks like a platinum blonde Molly Shannon after a seven day bender in TJ) and Aubry blow by REALLY fast.  Aubry has the worst set of vampire fangs I’ve ever seen on a woman.  Real, actual fangs, one on each side.  Weird.

- Megan is torqued because Douche is making out with Vampirella.  That’s Aubry, by the way.  She’s got a nickname.  We paused it for a sec so I could comment on sucking face with Vamps and noticed another thing; Douche Michaels has a rockin’ ass wig on this year.  It’s living up to the promise of those publicity shots; so full, thick and lustrous.  Mush more than he had last year, which is weird.  As far as I know, hair on your scalp does not increase in thickness with age.  Bret Michaels might just be a medical miracle here, folks.  QUICK!  Call the Nobel people.  i want my fucking medal for this top-notch research.

So, yeah, Megan, the dippy one from Beauty and the geek is mad or something.  “This old lady is kissing Bret.” Yeah.  Whatever.  And she’s up next.  Douche tries to be all sarky and funny by saying she’s got a horrific body and he “allowed” her to kiss him.  Bret Michaels is almost as funny as prison rape - when it’s not on the Simpsons (and of course a half-season later on Family Guy).

OK, we’re 17 minutes in.  I may have to do this first episode in two parts or something.

- Kristy Joe is next. Douche notices that she’s actually pretty and leans in to kiss her.  She had the “nerve” (read: good sense) to wipe his mouth before kissing him, and he does this douchebag hand gesture - one of about a bajillion to come - of his finger being an erection and then deflating.  DUDE!  You just kissed a woman with vampire horse teeth that aren’t the right color and a complete skank who is on her second reality dating show!  You’re lucky she didn’t throw a handful of ethanol gel on your face and light it!  With the shit you’re carrying, I say we take off and nuke your crotch from orbit.  It’s the only way to be sure.

- The last girl getting photographed is Erin The Black Punk Rockerâ„¢.  1. I don’t call her that to mock her, but rather the producers who so clearly have her filling a role here. 2. Her new name shall be ETBPRâ„¢.  No, you can’t pronounce it, but this is a fucking blog, so play along.  :)

Awesome-ometer: 5

- Moving on to the next stage of our RoL script; the post-photography drinking binge.  Inna is a one-trick horse.  She’s not really dainty enough to call her a pony.  Girl is thick, is what I’m saying.  Anyway, she does the splits again.  No, that’s not gonna get old really fucking fast or anything.  peyton does that “urban” booty shake arm shake thing that every single woman in every rap video ever does.  It;s fucking scary when they do it and it;s worse when a somewhat thin white girl does it.  NO.  Stop it.  You’re making my penis wish for more Angelique screen time.  AND THAT IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE.  I’d rather dream about Freddy Krueger wanting to finger my asshole.

Actually, I had a dream like that once.  Only Freddy was wearing a priest collar and singing show tunes.  I was raised Catholic after all.

Back to the whores.  Chicks are drinkin, strippin’ off for the pool, lapdancing each other, and so forth.  Whatever.  Commercial.  We’re DEFINITELY breaking at the 30 minute mark and doing this in two parts.

- We’re back at Whore Central.  Courtney is neurotic about being “the fat brown girl.” her words, don’t get all mad at me.  Then Douche sends Big John to call for the VIP cumrags cockbaskets gonorrhea factories ladies.  Aaaaaaannnnd of course the next shot is one of the non VIP cumrags cockbaskets gonorrhea factories ladies getting all upset.  Oh my goodness, such dramatic tension!  Why Ah nevah!  Who could have forseen such strife?

- Awesome-ometer: 6.  Douche meets with the VIPs.  He picks Megan first.  She’s about 60% cute in a California Clone way.  Totally dime-a-dozen face, bolt-on titties, fairly tight body...throw a rock in Los Angeles and you will hit seven women like this, and maybe another fourteen on the deflection.  She’s also about as smart as wood.  Dead wood.  No...sawdust.  That has been baked in a kiln.  The space in her skull normally occupied by a brain is instead filled with Silly Putty.  She is clearly the Brandi C. of this season.  She’s pretending like she’s always been in love with Bret.  Not a fucking chance, dude.  But you probably know that and are just going to score. “I was really drunk making out with him, but I think I had a really good time!”

I shall call her Chazz.  Why?  Because Airheads, that’s why.  Plus, I imagine that’s the sound a syphilitic cock makes when cum comes out.  *chaaaaaazzzzz*.  MMM...syphilis.

To close her her segment, she blondely giggles “I love Bret Michaels.  Me and him for-ever!” I have cooked onions with more intelligence.

- Quick look at the party...they’re doing shots.

- Destiney is next.  She has a gift; a studded bandanna, which is so horrible I have no words.  Right now there is a guy in a brown trailer somewhere in America, his rusty 1979 Camaro parked outside, with a faded ‘Don’t Stop Bellievin’” bumper sticker peeling off the rusty, loosely-attached bumper.  He’s sitting in a 40 year old paisley barc-O-Lounger, drinking a can of Bud, scratching his balls through a 30 year old pair of Levis, wearing an old Journey tour shirt.  He is watching this, and he just turned to his 300 pound wife and said “Holy fuck, Mabel, that is one ugly goddamned bandanna!”

Also, Awesome-ometer: 7.

Oh.  She’s the obsessed fan stereotype.  And Douche used the same line as last year, that she was going to either “make sweet love to me or kill me.” I know we’re all supposed to recycle but this is ridiculous.

Lastly, Destiney wouldn’t be so awful if she didn’t have ridiculous balloon lips and wear more makeup than Marilyn Manson.  Stupidity ruins another almost pretty girl.

- Daisy gets some alone time next.  “It was like fireworks.” She’s on and on about the instant connection she thinks she has with Douche.  So she’s the Heather of this season...only fifteen years younger.  She’s also a “musician.” Oh fuck.  Last time that didn’t work out so well.

- Cut to Inna in the hot tub while Douche is mackin’ on Daisy; she’s drunk. As. Fuck. and ranting.  She hops out of the hot tub and jumps on Bret.  1. Douche is all “Good times ahead” or whatever, but Big John hauls her shit the fuck out of there: “This is VIP time.” Oh, it’s like that?  Really?  You;re just going to telegraph the manipulation this time?  Rock on.

- ETBPRâ„¢ is next.  Poor kid.  She’s just getting her time wasted, both by Douche and by the producers of this show. 

OK.  I take it back.  She’s a Myspace dork.  She actually said “I learned HTML through Myspace.” Douche confessionaled that she was putting him to sleep.  Now, at this point I’m still in her corner, until she said, and I quote “like, there’s so many thing going on in the world, and a lot of them I’ve learned about through Myspace, like...”

OH MY FUCKING SWEET FUCK.  Myspace taught you about the world?  Die. In. A. Fire.  and please, for the fucking love of Tom and all that is MySpacey, NEVER VOTE.  Just...buy more clothes or a little yappy dog or something.

Learned about the world through MySpace?  Fuck.  I had such high hopes for this one.

AND I’M BREAKING.  Part 2 will come tomorrow.

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