Rock Of Love 2 Week 5 - Second Annual Bret’s Mudbowl, or “See what I can make chicks do?”

Time for the Second Annual Bret’s Mudbowl.  I wonder what today’s narrative will be?  I predict Hombre wins the solo date.

And now, since I’m sure most of them will need it after getting mud rammed up God knows where, we douche.  You douche.  I douche.  Together, we will have douched.  Or we are douching.  And that’s not the only conjugating that will be going on. (rimshot) See what I did there?  It’s material like that what is gonna make me a star someday.  Or have me cleaning toilets.

As usual, the glossary of nicknames for the whores that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - Sequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Recap: Aubry’s big sacrifice for KayJay.  Who may get a new nickname if her nutty routine continues.

- We start with the typical morning whore-awakening, and Big John, sans bandanna which is freaking me out, calls them into the room for the big lyrical note reveal.  Oh for fuck’s sake.  “Good morning my divine nine.” Really?  “Divine nine?” Then again, this guy wrote “Unskinny bop” on a sheet of paper and then sang it, on purpose, 600 times in one song.

- Oh my.  The douche virus, AKA Griecomus Douchellus, has infected Big John.  He’s wearing guyliner.

- Anyway, the ladies get their mudbowl gear.  Muppetface throws this cunt attitude.  “This isn’t football gear.” Yeah, Bitchy McOnTheRaggerson.  It is today.  Off to the mud field.

- AWESOME!  That’s 1.  I seriously don’t think he can break the record this week, I mean we’re two minutes in and he’s only said it once.  But here’s to hoping!

- The Sweethearts vs. The Fallen Angels.  And another awesome, so maybe I’m wrong and he will shatter the previous record of 14!  Awesome-ometer; 2.

- PBR is captain of the Sweethearts, Superworms is captain of The Fallen Angels.  One girl has to sit out due to the teams being uneven.

“I Bret Michaels, will be quarterbacking for both teams, and I will love all of you equally.” Remember what I said last week?  How he imagines the ladies all in a row, naked, spread, asses in the air, tingling, shivering with excitement, awaiting the penetrative thrust of the Douche’s douchenozzle?  yeah.  That;s where that stupid comment came from.  That fantasy he has that they will all serve his need to sheath his meatsword.

Sad thing is, they will.  All of ‘em, if he’d just ask.

- OK, this is kind of interesting.  They have a rain, snow and wind machine in order to really make it hard to play.  YEAH!  Torture these bitches!  Any chance of waterboarding Destiney, or maybe hooking Peyton up to a couple of car batteries and the springs from an old mattress?  Maybe get Chazz in a stress position or three?

- Fallen Angels: Destiney, Inna, Kristy Joe, Daisy.  Sweethearts: Catherine, Peyton, Ambre, Jessica.  1. Why on earth would Superworms pick KayJay?  Aren’t they supposed to hate each other with the fury of a plain full of Mongol hordes? 2. Hombre says this is her game.  So look for that solo date I predicted...as per the script.

- Hombre; “I hope I impress him with my receiver skills.” Oh for fuck///// See what they did there?  [redneck accent] That’s onna dem dere dubble on-tondrees, as the Frechies say.[/redneck accent] Only Ambre’s piss-poor acting skills render it utterly humorless and about as sexy as fucking a tailpipe.

- Ambre scores.  I’m so surprised.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, or as Bret called her, the “Ukranian Love Bus” (IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BUS RIDES YOO!  DA, IZ GOOT JOKE COMRADE!) cannot seem to get her shit together.  And I can’t believe I am writing this, but Big John is calling penalties.  Inna got called for an illegal forward pass.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BALL PASSES YOO!  OK, I’ll stop now.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, JOKES TELL YOU!  No, seriously, I’ll stop.

(IN SOVIET RUSSIA, ASSHOLE WHO MAKE TOO MANY SOVIET JOKES GET SENT TO GULAG.  EEZ NOT SO FUNNY HA HA AS FUNNY OH SHIT YOU GONNA DIE IN SIBERIAN PRISON.)

- Hombre scores again.  Hey, who could have seen that coming?

- Now Destiney’s throwing illegal passes.  Fallen Angels aren’t winning big.  See, that’s funny if you know Poison’s lyrics.  On the other hand, it’s also sad.  Comedy & tragedy, y’all.  Commercial.

- Daisy’s playing cheerleader and trying to fire up her team.  The second half starts.  KayJay is the big hero...she makes three catches in a row and scores.  So now it’s “2 to 1.” That’s right, they’re not scoring it like any other human on earth who would play a game of pickup “American” football.  7 points?  That would just confuse these lovely ladies.  We need to keep it simple.  Like the space in Chazz’s head.

- The script calls for the Angels to come back, so Fivehead fumbles and Muppetface recovers.  Then she makes every play, and Hombre is getting worried.  So of course the whole things turns into Hombre vs. Muppetface.  10 seconds left.  QB Douchenozzle throws a hail mary and USSR LOVE BUS R74A1069 LUBYANKA SQUARE TO TOLSTOY HOUSE catches it.  She scores.  It’s all tied up.  Commercial.

- We’re back and it’s sudden death overtime.  I cannot even believe that it’s so staged obviously fake dramatically close.

- Sweethearts ball.  The snap.  Hombre gets possession.  She breaks three tackles and then...Destiney forces a fumbles.  Dramatic music and...commercial.  Oh fuck you VH1, it’s not the goddamned AFC championship.

- Back, and the ball is recovered by Janice The Muppet.  Oh look!  Ambre vs. Daisy again.  She grabs the ball and scores.  Looks like my prediction was off.  I misread the script.  ;) I guess this is the “Bret’s obvious choice fights hard for him to remind us that she’s the one” moment.

- Hombre is injured.  Muppetface gets the MVP trophy and the date.  Mudbowl II is in the history books.  And our hearts.

- Back at the house, and it’s time for Muppetface and Surgeryface to go out on their solo date.  You know what Brett is gonna end up looking like?  Mickey Rourke.  That doesn’t even look like him anymore.

MEN OF HOLLYWOOD: STOP DOING THAT SHIT TO YOUR FACE.  JUST BE OLD.

Oh, the date is at the Forplay store, and Bret said awesome again.  Awesome-ometer; 3.  Hey, my wife buys shit from that place.  i don’t know if I should be thankful or horrified that she shops at the same place as every stripper in L.A. ;)

No, wait.  I’m thankful.  VERY thankful.  I do, after all, want to visit her tunnel of love have sex at some point in the future.

- Dressing Miss Daisy time.

That’s douchey, but it gets better.  He steps it up a douchelevel.

He’s so proud of that.  Look at his little doucheface!  In fairness, she’s got a spectacular little body on her.  She can wear some whoreclothes.

- Aww, they’re in wuvvs or something.  He talks about how great she is, she talks about how great he is.

- Cut to the house.  PBR is all upset because she lost.  Sequel is commiserating with her.  No win, no date, no date, and “You can’t take your relationship with Bret to a deeper level.” Peyton?  Sweety?  There is no deeper level.  This is it.  He’s the single-level ranch home of rock.  If Bret Michaels were his own universe, it would have just a single dimension: Douchity.  That’s like gravity, only it’s smarmy and it makes you want to puke all the time.

- Back to the date.  Dinnertime in the lingerie store.  Yeah...that happens.  As long as the store pays a god-damned fortune to be the sponsor, it happens. 

- Muppetface seems to have a genuine desire to know about Bret, so she excitedly asks him date-type questions.  Of course, Mr. Fuckbag Rock Star is above all that, I guess.

You know what?  He’s a dick.  No joke, no metaphors, allegories or similes.  He’s just an asshole, plain and simple.  She’s not the brightest bulb in the pack, nor is she the prettiest girl who has ever lived, but there is nothing wrong with what she’s asking.  Bret Michaels is, and you all know what’s coming - a douchebag.

- OH SNAP.  Donna just noticed something.  So last week, all Daisy would say, over and over, is that while in “The Rock Suite” all night, she and Bret hung out and talked and got to know each other.  Umm...err...wouldn’t you have asked all these kinds of questions then?

Oh yeah, it’s hard to ask questions when you’re face-down on the bed, chewing on a pillow because a washed-up rock star has his dick in your ass.  Again.

- Awesome-ometer: 4.  Douche says the date went awesome, and it’s time to go.  He confessionals that there is a strong sexual connection between them but he;d like a bit more of an emotional connection.  HEY DICK, THAT’S WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO DO.  She was asking you to tell her about you so you can use shared experiences to bond and learn more about each other, you arrogant, ignorant prick.

Once again, for the cheap seats: BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG.

- Back to the house.  Sequel leaves the note that was previewed last week.  Turns out that at the same time - and I’m sure totally unaware of sequel’s actions, Chazz is also writing a note for Bret!  Wow.  That’s such a coincidence!  Please note the insincere incredulousness in my typing!  It’s there because this is obviously a scripted conflict!  Let’s pretend it isn’t!

- Chazz rolls up on the Rock Suite to find Sequel’s note.  Sequel wrote a hastily-scrawled note on a sheet of paper. 

- I guess that offended Chazz’s sense of fashion or something.  she took Peyton’s note away and replaced it with her “I’m thirteen and I put hearts on everything and I make all my notes into hearts and I dot my I’s with hearts and my heart belongs to you, Bret Michaels!  Will you be my Valentimes?” because you know this stupid bitch calls it “Valentimes Day.”

- Peyton thinks maybe her note was crazy-sounding so she goes back to check on it. 

Oh my!  Her note is gone!  Someone has pilfered her writings!  Call the gendarmes!  She writes a replacement, then asks Chazz if she took the other one.  Chazz lies.  Sequel slides her replacement note in the door.

Conveniently, as per the script she doesn’t fold it and shove it through.  She doesn’t slide it under the door and tape it all the way in.  She slides it between the doors and leaves enough of it hanging out so that Chazz can of course steal it again.  Which Chazz does.  Commercial.

- Back, and we get another awesome.  That’s 5.  Douche & Daisy (see them this summer on The CW!) come back from their “date.”

- The ladies want to party with Douche.  They shoot some pool. 

Seriously?  Leopard bumpers?  Really?  Why does being “rock” always mean you have to give up any and all semblance of taste?

- PBR gets five minutes for making a tough shot...then Daisy friggin’ drops the genius comment about Catherine: “She reminds me of Peggy Bundy.” Oh fuck me sideways.  That’s so exactly and perfectly right.  I can’t believe I didn’t think of it.  I literally slapped my forehead when she said it.  Too old to dress like that, hairstyle that is 20 years out of date, all that shit.  Peggy fucking Bundy.

Oh God.

Gross.

- Muppetface tries to interrupt.  where’s John to enforce the “No going into Bret’s room unless invited” rule?  Oh yeah.  That’s total horseshit, and the script called for Daisy to open the door and interrupt.  she misses out on her alone time because Douche is tired, and somehow this translates into “Do you not like me?” Whatever.  This is starting to become faker than Tila Tequila’s fake-ass show.

Dear Viacom reality programming division,

STOP SCRIPTING EVERY FUCKING THING THAT HAPPENS.  Just hire a big group of crazy motherfuckering whores, lock them in a warehouse and set up 50 robot cameras.  Drop a pile of food and water in once a week, and every three days, send a celebrity in to interact with the inmates.  This formula could work for any of your celebrities.  Flava Flav?  No problem.  Send in Pop Tarts and 40 ounces of malt liquor.  Scott Baio?  Done.  Bottles of Dasani and some prostate medication.  Tila?  Kimchee and Cuervo.

See what I did there?  Racial and ageist jokes.  It’s a wonder that Fox hasn’t given me my own sitcom yet.

- Damn.  Hombre is pretty fucked up from the mudbowl.  Knees, looks like a couple of good scrapes and bruises around the ribs...she played hard.

- Off to the group date...at a racetrack.  Douche does his usual entrance...he pulls up in a shit-hot Lotus Exige.  Turns out/////////FULL STOP.  Holy fucking fuck.  I mean, fuck.  Fucking holy fucking fuck.

I imagine that if you showed that clip to Ghandi during the height of his peaceful resistance days, he would want to punch the shit out of Bret Michaels.  And everyone would understand.  Double-O rock?  What the fuck?

- I guess the point here is that the ladies learn to drive a car.  Only, no one is teaching them anything.  They just all magically know how to drive stick, and how to handle a very responsive, race-tuned car with rack & pinion steering while going around a track.  Even if that is an Elise (and it might be) it’s still really responsive power-assisted R&P.

- KayJay seems to actually be able to drive.  She also seemed put off when Douche said “You look hot.  That’s all that matters.” Inna, on the other hand, doesn’t actually know how to drive.  She’s playing it up for all it’s worth.

- “I’ve been sober for minutes.” Hil-ar-ious!  Hey kids with Diabetes watching at home!  You too can be like Bret Michaels and come within an inch of death three to six times a month by drinking too god-damned much all the time!  Be cool: fuck your health!

Douchebag.

They sit down to lunch and talk shit about the girls who aren’t here.  Then it turns to KayJay and her restraining orders.  Multiple.  One on the ex, one on the current husband.  Bret: “Bit of a red flag there.” Yeah.  I’m thinking K and J stand for Krazy Janglebrain.  While I don’t doubt that her exes are all crap, one has to wonder why all of them are, ya dig?  In the immortal words of Blade, “Some motherfuckers are always tryin’ to iceskate up hill.”

- Time to go home.  Sequel is waiting to pounce on Bret.  First of all, an inordinate amount of time passed between the middle-of-the-day lunch at the racetrack and them actually entering the house in total darkness.  Secondly, when Douche entered, without missing a beat he said ‘Peyton we gotta talk.” Just like that.  No pause, nothing.  Like he knew the script called for it.  But he didn’t get her notes.  How would he know?

he takes her back to his suite.  She just starts sobbing at him.  She asks him if he is attracted to her.  He says this:

Let me translate; “No, Peyton.  I’m not really very attracted to you.  You represent the older fan demographic and I want young ass.  Out of a need to keep my older fans coming out to shows and buying my records, I’m keeping you around.  So that you are pacified, I will tell you that I could see us becoming friends with benefits so to speak, but really I would never be with a woman as old as you on a permanent basis.  However, I am willing for the sake of the show - and my wallet - to pretend that I am attracted to you.  Satisfied, you old, dried up skeezebucket?

Bret Michaels, Classy Gentleman.

- Elimination time.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  Muppetface is wearing the dress Douche bought her at Forplay.  Smart.  PBR is worried.  Chazz is wearing what I think is a satin bra and a mini skirt.  She also said, and I quote, “Bret and I have a mental...like...Superman psychological...mmm...mmconnection.”

What. The. Fuck?

Sequel is worried as well.  AND HOLY FUCKSTICKS.  I mention it every week, but the guyliner is way out of control this week.  Bret’s wearing more makeup than Boy George.

- First pass is for Hombre. Second is for Superworms.  KayJay gets the third.  She’s happy that her being here disgusts the other girls.

- Megan gets a pass and she gets called “The only girl who put a letter on my door.” Peyton is pissed.  Chazzfessional: “He wants to date me, not my grandmother.  HaHa.” You know what?  She’s right, even though she’s half-a-retard.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the next pass.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PASS WEARS YOU!  Sorry, I had to do that. 

- Fivehead gets a pass again.  WHY?  FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHY?  What has she ever done except take up space?  If it comes out after this season that Jessica was fucking him the whole time I’m not watching next year.

- PBR gets a pass, mainly for stepping up and going into Bret’s room and sucking face, one assumes.  Now it’s down to Muppetface and Sequel.  I’m kind of surprised that he left Muppetface dangling like this.  Maybe she puked while sucking his dick or something.  That happened to me once.  True story.  It wasn’t due to my massive, drainpipe-sized cock.  I had stopped bathing for most of 1993, and eventually that’ll get to any woman.

I made up that last part.  I bathed in 1993.  Also, I have a white man’s Irish cock.  But a girl really did puke on me during a blowjob.  On someone else’s waterbed.  I saw carrots.  Have I told this story on the blog before?  I think I might have.  Donna wants me to make sure everyone knows it was not her.  This was two years before I met her.

Moving on.

- This is fucking great.  Daisy has had this look on her face for like, ten minutes.

Is that worry or is she smelling a wet fart?  Bret confessionals that he knows what he’s feeling, whatever the fuck that may be So the pass goes to...commercial break.

- Back, and the dramatic music cues us to the fact that some shit is about to go down.  Who will get voted off the island?  Who will get fired?  Who’s not getting a rose?

- He asks for Peyton to come down.  She gets the pass.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  He cut Daisy?  What the fuck?

- Oh.  Well now.  “I saved the best for last.” Well, that makes more sense.  We think he’s going to pick Daisy all the way. 

- So he refused to cut anyone.  OK, they got me.  I didn’t see that coming.  But two go home next time.  He tells them to win challenges, get the dates and whatnot.  Daisy seriously looks like she might vomit at any moment.  Could it be that she’s Heather this year, and despite the fakeness of this whole thing, she really has feeling for him?

I actually feel bad for her a little.  On the other hand, if you watched him fuck Heather over eight ways from Sunday, ride Red Cuntya like a rented mule, then pick the youngest, prettiest one and not actually date her, and you still want to be on this show, maybe you deserve whatever VH1 and Douche Michaels have in store for you.

- Beers, and we get the previews.  Rodeo is back to run a “rock & Rodeo” something or other.  More drama with KayJay and the other girls.  I’m sort of surprised that there’s not more Hombre storyline, to be honest.  Perhaps they realize she’s a frigging horrible actress and can’t pull it off?

Looks like next week will be mostly about Daisy and Kristy Joe vying for another chance to get an STD from Brett.  See you then!

Posted by JimK at 12:45 AM on February 18, 2008
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love,  Rock Of Love 2
Tags: TV, Hair Metal, 80s, Bret Michaels, Poison, Reality, Rock Of Love, VH1
Technorati: VH1 Rock of Love Reality TV Bret Michaels Poison 80s hair metal

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