It occurred to me that it may get confusing when I don’t use people’s names, so here’s a Rock Of Love glossary for you.

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Brandi C. :Scarface, Methface, Whorebucket McSuckdick, Half of the Wondertwins, Bimbo C., and any mention of half of a Barbie set. Don’t forget she’s a porn star too! (NSFW!)
Kristia: The other Wondertwin, Barbie set, or Other Dumb Blonde
Dallas: Token.  Just like South Park.  She’s the only black person within eleventy miles.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess.  Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Erin: Heartland Hooters.
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis.  Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.
Rodeo: A cartoon character who needs no nickname.  Sometimes I call her Leatherface, but it’s an adjective, not a noun.  :)

- My TiVo recorded this at 11 AM.  Has VH1 moved the show?  Could the ratings be that abysmal?

- Wow, they’re going straight for the catfight angle.  EVERY clip from last week in the recap is about one of the fights.

- Open with a montage of whores waking up and looking like death.  Stripper Showmytits is elaborating on the division, and then Lacey drops her plan to eliminate Dallas.  Then another douchey poem from Bret about today;s event.  Motocross.  Oh, yay.

- Kristia loves motocross, or “any other kinda cross.” John and Jody, look out.  Warn the family.  :)

- Douchey shows up on his bike again.  Wow he’s so cool douchey.  Two rival experts are here to train the whores.

- And now the whores get to get dressed.  Chick With A Penis can’t get the helmet on.  For some reason unknown to human science, this makes her go wee-wee out her penis.  Because SHE HAS A FUCKING PENIS, PEOPLE.  Either that or her mother was Bea Arthur.  No woman has a voice that deep unless she’s swingin’ a cock&balls.

- Rodeo gets a confessional and Jesus H. Christ, she looks like someone carved her face to resemble a series of arroyos from the Moab in her skin.  You know, I think she might be more wrinkled and leathery than Keith Richards.

- The bikes are like, 50cc mini-bikes.

- Everyone gets on Dallas for wrecking...but the bike only goes like 11 miles an hour.  Still, she did almost manage to kill a camera guy.

- Douchebag picks teams for the relay race competition.  Captains are Chick With A Penis for the pink, HeartlandHooters for the purple and Stripper Showmytits for the blue.  Rodeo comments on Erin’s airbags.  They really are ridiculous. (that link is safe for work, but shows off how they might be bigger than her head).

- Team Pink: Magdelena, Rodeo, Brandi M., Sam.

- Team Purple: Erin, Mia, Jes, Brandi C.

- Team Blue: Heather, Lacey, Kristia, Dallas.  Gee, Lacey and Dallas on the same team, and Brandi C. and Erin together?  WOW!  So random!  I’m certain this was not pre-determined to exacerbate conflict in any way!  Also, I would like to sell you some land, In Florida.  It’s a little...well, let’s call it wet.  But it’s a good deal!

- Round One!  Punky, Sturgess and Red Sonja.  Does Red have a lip piercing, a huge mole or is that herpesface?  Lacey shoots off the line and eats dirt hard.  Heh.  She can’t start the bike.  All talk, that one.  She might have ruined it for the other whores!  The dippy broads are screaming “PUT IT IN NEUTRAL” and she’s leaving it in gear.  Dumbass.  Dallas: “We gonna lose this shit cuz of this stupid, dumbass bitch.” Yep.  Now eat a steak in front of her!

- Punky wins round one, and hands off to Scarface for…

- Round Two.  Scarface: “I get on the bike, and I’m really stoked because I look really good in my outfit.” You know where else you look good?  Taking a load of jism in your mouth and dribbling it down your chin like the good little paid fucktoy that you are...Methface.  (Again, NSFW)

- Round Two: Alternachick takes the handoff for Team Pink.  Red Sonja finally hands off to Other Dumb Blonde in round two, who could walk in heels on the dirt faster than she’s driving that bike. 

- Round Three: Whorebucket McSuckdick comes in to retain the Purple lead and hands off to Heartland Hooters.. Other Dumb Blonde hands off to Stripper Showmytits who is determined to catch up because she wants Douchebag’s cock wants a date with Bret.  Chick with A Penis takes the handoff for Pink.  So now in Round Three it’s Magdelena, Heather and Erin racing in round three.

- Round Four: Meadow Soprano takes it for Purple.  They are still in first.  How exciting.  I’m on the edge of my seat.  Rodeo takes it for Pink, and Token bats cleanup for Team Blue.  She’s flying down the track as fast as that little bike will go, and she eats it real good.  She got air and everything.  Maybe three or four feet off the ground.  Look for her to milk fall this for all it is worth!  Of course her enemies are giggling.

- It’s down to Rodeo versus Meadow Soprano, and Leatherface takes the lead!  She needs that cock rock star!  PInk wins!  The Cubs win the pennant!  The Cubs win the pennant!  Douchebag decides that tonight he will “date” Alternachick and the one with a dick.  Boy is he in for a Crying Game surprise.  Tomorrow it’s Sturgess and Rodeo.  It’s like ugly squared.

- They keep featuring Rodeo laughing at her own jokes, and every time she cackles, I die a little inside.  Mostly in the testicular region.

- Now it’s time to get drunk in the limo.  Catfight time!  Red decides to abuse Token over the animal thing.  Token goes nuts pointing out that Bret was wearing snakeskin the other day.  Weren’t they just wearing racing leathers too, BTW?  Red Sonja is just a big dillhole who is only an animal activist when it doesn’t interfere with her being on TV and potentially getting teabagged by an aging rock star.  Token straight called her out.  On the other hand, Token literally went ballistic, screaming at the top of her lungs and getting really, really weird about the whole thing.  Then it starts getting real.

- Red Sonja changes into a PETA shirt.  Dallas changes into all the fur and leather she can find.  By the way, I had pork chops for dinner.  Animals taste fucking GREAT.  Anyway, the ladies...if you can call them that...are about to do battle.

- Leave it to Punky to set the scene properly..."Dallas, she walks up the stairs with her little strut, in front of Lacey, and rubs it in her face, but she needed to!  Lacey fucking deserved it!” Exactly.

- See Lacey just doesn’t know when to stop.  She walks up to Dallas and pokes her hard in the forehead.  Has she never seen a black comedian, a black movie or, well, any black people?  You don’t put your finger in a black girl’s face and you damn sure do not poke her in the fucking head unless you want her to cut you.  I’m sayin’ Dallas needs to cut a bitch.  Commercial.

- Back.Lacey is yelling “Jealous!” at Dallas.  Why?  Jealous of what?  Lacey follow her around the house and keeps grabbing her.  Dallas is actually trying to walk away at this point.  Someone needs to punch Red Sonja in the face here.  OK, treating this like it was real people for a moment, the right move would be to go get Big John, ask him to review the footage and either have a word with Lacey or just throw her the fuck out.  This, however, is not a house full of human beings, but rather idiots desperate to be famous...so, back to the whores!

Lacey literally, and I kid you not, is following Dallas around the house and grabbing her, rubbing her and obsessively repeating ‘Honey, sweety, show me how sexy you look in your fur coat.” Dallas, to her credit, is trying to walk away constantly, but Lacey will not stop.  It’s truly whacky and if it were two guys, no one would question for a moment if Dallas just knocked Lacey the fuck out.

Rodeo decides to step in.  It gets ugly.  Rodeo tries to pull Lacey away, and she grabs Dallas and the railing and refuses to let go.  It’s actually kind of crazy.  This has gotten to a flashpoint: It could get really out of control unless someone stop now.  If I were a producer I would stop filming and step in, but then I haven’t sold my soul for the 0.003 rating this pice of shit show is probably getting.

Enter Strong-as-fuck Rodeo, who grabs Lacey and yanks her to the ground in what looked a lot like a classic cop take-down.  I swear to God she is a bouncer or something.  She holds Lacey down so Dallas can walk away.  She barked at her in a complete commanding tone “STOP.” and dragged her up the stairs.  Lacey is all “Dallas is lucky she got away.” Oh please.  You’re a stereotype of the cowardly activist piece of shit.  The minute someone stood up to you, you got all quiet and scurried off.  If Dallas wants to, she could tear you apart.  We all know Rodeo can.  Shut your herp-hole.

- Moving on!  Douchebag is here to pick up Alternachick and Ms. Cock&Balls.  They want to “get to know him.” Sweeties, you already do.  He’s as deep as a puddle and as complex as Legos.  They have one of those inflatable theaters set up in the back yard.  Popcorn and everything.  I expect that one of the other whores will realize this at some point and crash the date.  Should be fun.  Bret actually said that this will give them insight into his life.  Hoo boy.  What in God’s name is this video going to be?  His pathetic vampire-themed sex tape where he never took off his hat?

- The video is titled ‘Tyhe Making of Brett Michaels.  WAIT!  Pause the show.  OK, here’s my version:

There once was a guy who wanted to be famous and play good-time party metal.  He made it.  Then someone threw him in a giant vat of industrial-strength douche, and his DNA was altered.  Now he roams the Hollywood Hills as...DOUCHEMAN!  Scourge of yeast!  Defender of dime-store philosophy!  Protector of all that is whorish and trashy!  DOUCHEMAN!

Unpause.

- He’s basically just trying to wow them with his rock star past.  It comes off as a bit desperate, to be honest.  It’d have been better put forth if it were some kind of surprise that Big John had made or somehting, but instead it’s Mr. Earnest Douchebag, Esquire, in all his douchey earnestness, selling these chicks half his age on his relevance.

- Alternachick says that she’s ADD so music is important for her.  Dicklady admits she’s not a Poison fan.  I’d say her excuse is she Polish (from Poland) but they have music in Poland.  CD players too!  Of course it takes four Polacks to turn on a CD player...no, OK, that’s mean and racist.  I shouldn’t tell Polish jokes.  Mainly because I married a half-Polish girl.  If she wasn’t here, I’d tell you the one about the pope, the altar boy and Lech Walesa’s browneye.

- So the ladies started to mill around in the house, gathering to come out and fuck shit up at the pool, so Douchey takes his dates back to his DoucheLair, The Fortress of Douchitude.  Alterna and Douche are bonding, so Ms. Cock&Balls decides to make out with Bret, and he flips the script and begs Sam to make out.  She’s allgedly hesitant but then she cleans the first three feet of his esophagus.

Somehow Sam says something about an orgasm, and now Douchey is laser-focused on trying to get her in bed.  She’s all ‘I want him to judge me for my mind.” Darling?  You’re on the WRONG SHOW.  She does in fact get up and leave though, so...points for her.  I fear we may have seen the last of Chick With A Penis...she’s about as connected to Bret as she is to her own femininity.

The “date” segment ends with a really soft, lilting version of a certain Poison song and the lyric “Every rose...” trailing off as Bret says “Date over, I’m horny.” WHAT.  A.  DOUCHEBAG.  I do not think there is any way for me to express the combination of the poignant music with the dickheadedness of Douchebag’s smarmy face juxtaposed together like the Mona Lisa hanging in a double-wide trailer.  Commercial.

- Next day and Big John brings another fucking poem.  I really hope he’s not writing these.  I bet he is though.  The date is about going out.

- In the limo, Bret asked the girls to tell him what happened last night.  Rodeo decides to tell Brett about the fight between AnimalHypocrite and Token With Leather.

Sidebar - Rodeo isn’t wearing makeup.  My dick just book a flight at Priceline.com to get the hell away from this vision.  I swear to God I would rather fuck a block of concrete.  Back to the story.

Rodeo pretty much tells the truth and Sturgess backed her up.  Douchebag’s confessional was, as usual, douchebaggy:  “To me, Lacey’s either gonna make passionate love to me or (douchebag hand gesture of a knife plunging down) kill me in my sleep.” That’s what the hell he took from the story?  The girls presented it as serious business.  Good lord this man is a bag of dicks.

- He takes the ladies to a swimsuit shop.  He says that he’s “arranged every girl’s dream.  I am going to get them the hottest bikinis ever, tailor-made to fit their bodies.” That’s every girl’s dream?  Really?  It;s not to maybe make a contribution to the world.  It’s not to raise a family.  It’s not even to pose in Playboy.  Nope.  All you ladies out there can stop the charade: we now know the truth!  All you want are custom-fitted bikinis.

Got it.  Thank Jesus for the wisdom of Bret Michaels, Douchbag seer and reader of women’s souls.

- By the way, Brandi M. is definitely Pamela.  As Pamela she doesn’t yet have the shoulder tattoo, but you can see that her belly tattoo matches.  Her shoulder piece is obviously new.

- OK, how the fuck I am going to impart this next scene to you is beyond me, but I will try.  So here’s Rodeo, wearing a two-piece.  She’s modeling on a small 8” platform while Bret sits in a chair, on the floor, pushed right up to the edge.  She turns and squats, in about the least sexy, most awkward “I’m about to shit on your lap and I hope you like scat, big boy” way imaginable.  She wiggles it a little right in his face.  Remember: she now has her butthole maybe three inches from his face.  And douchebag says, and I quote; “Being that a man cares about how they’re gonna feel in these suits, I had to get right up in there and make sure that it’s good.  I’m doin’ what I’m supposed to be doin’ as a boyfriend on a date.”

Have you ever seen a tandem 18 wheeler rolling down the highway?  You do realize that at least one of those trucks - at some point in your life - was or will be filled top to bottom, front to back with bottles of douche, right?  Bret makes more douche in a day with his mouth than Massengil makes all year.  Also, my goal is to be the only hit in Google if someone happens to search “Bret Michaels” and “douchebag” so...Bret Michaels is a douchebag.

- Back to the house. The “Varsity Squad” whores have created a “Wall of Shame.” They draw little pictures of the girls they hate and put them up on the wall.  Seriously.  You’d think these loopy cunts, to use Swearengen’s lovely phrase, were like 12 years old.  Do they not realize that people - albeit not many, but still - are watching them act like this?

- On the date - Lunch on the terrace.  Rodeo tells some more war stories.  Sturgess is wondering just how Rodeo can do all these amazing and/or life-threatening things, like, “where does she get the time?” She’s a lot older than you girls, sweetie.  She got the time from the calendar.  :) Douchebag turns the topic to turnons and turnoffs.  Sturgess is all about whipping and pulling hair, and she snorts a laugh and Bret goes hysterical over her “snort -burp combo.” Bret likes poo jokes.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Bret Michales does not watch a lot of British comedy, and in fact tells people he likes Python but only knows the Dead Parrot sketch and the scene where Arthur cuts the arms and legs off the Black Night.  He’s deep, ladies, Like a two-paragraph Cliff’s Notes summary of a Dostoevsky novel.

- Regarding the snortburp, Rodeo is all “I have a lot of class and you just.  don’t.  do.  that.” She said just like that, with the dramatic periods and pauses therein.  The very next edit is her sitting at the table, almost crushed by the sheer amount of class she is carrying, barely able to hold up her own head, but somehow, from under all that class, she says “My favorite position is doggy style.”

CLASSY.  Date over.  Back to the house.

- Douchebag has to interview more whores to figure out who to eliminate.  He’s got The Other Dumb Blonde and basically he asked her if she could handle him fucking around on the road.  Her answer was ‘I’m pretty chill about that stuff.” As all good gold-digging whores would be.  His cutaway was all about the fact that he had no connection with her but she’s got “the tinest ass I’ve ever seen.” It never ends.

- Next up on the DoucheCouch is Alternachick and Bret’s all “I had a great time last night” when she interrupts him to ask him to look at her when he’s talking to her.  She says it all cute though, not bitchy.  he replies ‘I am, I’m looking at your legs and your body.” For fuck’s sake. 

Look, I obviously don’t have a problem with looking at hot women.  I’m not opposed to porn on any level.  You see me posting shit all the time here, so I’m no prude, but for the love of god, does he have to act like a stereotypical “horny guy” every fucking moment of every day?  Can he never just talk to one of these women like...oh who the fuck am I kidding?  He’s treating them exactly as they are askig to be treated.  Nevermind.  WHORES.  I keep forgetting and thinking of these women as real people.  My bad.

- We get to Lacey and Dallas together.  Bret is mediating.  Bret hunts, eats meat and already has to put up with crazy PETA fuck Rikki Rocket who protests against the very medical research that keeps Bret alive, so...but then as he mentioned, he has not connected with Dallas at all.  Still: only black girl.  Will the producers let you send her home?  By the way, Lacey totally tried to spin it like Dallas was attacking her for no reason.  She seems to have forgotten the part where she refused to leave her alone and kept grabbing at her and eventually held her pinned to the stairs.  So she’s a liar, a whore and a bad drummer to boot.  Commercial.

- Back, and Red Sonja is calling Token “a cold-hearted bitchy person.” Who has the wall of “drawings” (they look like cave scribble) mocking everyone not in your little clique?  Yeah, that;s you, whore.  Also, I want to eat baby seal.  Fuck you.

- Two will be eliminated.  Bret walks out in a half-length patent-leather coat.  I hope that’s a sign. :) Brandi M. stays.  Jes stays.  She’s shocked.  Heather stays, and DickChick is mad.  Rodeo stays.  Douchey keep asking the girls to “stay and rock my world.” Brandi C. stays.  Erin stays.  Mia stays.  Magdelena stays.  Sam stays.  One pass left.  Kristia, Dallas and Lacey left.

- First to get the boot - Kristia.  Bimbo Methface starts crying.  Bret keeps Lacey and boots Dallas.  Unreal.  Maybe they would rather have the shit-starter than a token?  Dallas just walks away without hugging Bret goodbye.  I don’t blame her.  Lacey tries to play it up and get on Bret’s good side, and it works.  Bret’s all “When someone doesn’t have enough class to come up to you to thank you for invitin’ them to your house, for treatin’ ‘em nice, thatt’s pretty classless.” So’s the stupid whore you kept, douchebag.  And you didn’t “invite” her to “your” house: VH1 paid her to stay in the rental that they are also paying YOU to stay in.  Douchebag.

Last thing the dick says is, once again, are “Y’all ready to rock this house?” Previews show a big party.  Then something happens in Bret’s Fortress of Douchitude with three of the Whore Brigade, and some of the girls are crying.  Next week’s challenge seems to be a songwriting contest, and when Rodeo’s goes badly she literally breaks down.  Should be entertaining if nothing else.  It’s either this or masturbating to Girls Gone Wild commercials, so...better I do this.  :) See you next week.

Less

- We begin with a recap, which only serves to remind me what a complete and total douchebag Bret is, and of course to solidify the fact that Tiffy McDrunkenwhore is a producer’s favorite.

- Oh.  My.  God.  The intro.  THE INTRO.  Oh my God.  ohgoditmakesmybrainhurt.  It’s like someone took the cut-out stop motion animation of Monty Python, added a track by a Poison cover band, only this is their first original song, and then went to a place like Digital Domain or ILM and said “Do you have a filter in your software that can add a few layers of douche to this?  It’s just...too cool.  There has to be a way to douche the whole thing up somehow.  Is that like, something you can do with After Effects or something?” And then the guys in the production studio at VH1 enabled the douche filter and away went any semblance of cool.

- The episode opens with Bret lifting like, six pounds on a Nautilus machine.  What a douche.

- Lacey and Brandi C. are chatting about Drunky McFergface and what a drunken, ugly, stupid, vapid, loser of a whore she is.  Sadly, I don’t disagree.  They ran one of her “Don’t threaten me with a good time” lines in slo-mo.  The producers so love her.  She vows to be low-key.

- Erin admits the she was supposed to be married in May.  Heather, aka Stripper Showmytits, is like “What?  I so determined to get Erin’s phoney ass out of here, with her big ol’ stupid circus boobs.” YOU’RE A FUCKING STRIPER, YOU WHORE.  What the frigging fuck?  What in the flying blue hell?  The stripping half-ugly bar wench is mad at this girl for breaking up with her fiancee getting dumped, and for having implants?  That’s like hating Ronald McDonald for having red hair.  Talk about tilting at windmills.

- A few of the whores start drinking.  No word on what time of day it is, but it’s early.  I see Stripper Showmytits (Heather), Punky Brewster (Jes), Red Sonja (Lacey), Rodeo (who is a cartoon unto herself and needs no nickname), Girl With A Penis (Magdalena), a girl I don’t know, someone I think is Meadow Soprano (Mia) and Alternagirl (Sam).  Heather “If you’re gonna date a rock star, you gotta party like a rock star.” Except diabetic Douchebag won’t be alive for more than a week if he really lived like this...he’s not going to want to get hammered at noon, ladies.

- Last week, we were told that there were three rules.  One of which was ‘Don’t touch the guitars.” So of course, one of the first things the whores do is touch the guitars.  Stripper Showmytits on drums, Rodeo on gee-tar, Alternachick singing freestyle, Red Sonja on bass.  Douchebag hears it and decides to join in.  He’s playing the theme to the show.  Some of the whores are pole dancing.  I notice Punky Brewster is NOT participating.  Her confessional is all “Eww, gross.” Yeah.  pretty much.

- Faux lesbian kissing.  How predictable.

- Dallas has the line of the show so far: “I think the house turned into one of those horrible strip clubs you find by the airport that are full of fat chicks with huge implants.” Perfect.  That’s exactly what it was.  Sad, half-ugly broads doing stupid whore shit to get one washed-up douche to maybe pay a little attention to their cooze-holes.

- Alternachick was describing how there are two camps, and I was about to list who was in which camp when the VH1 Graphics Department came through for me:

God bless the VH1 Graphics Department.

- So the NotWhores are out back, chatting about how whore-like the “We’re all Whores” group is.  Cut to what looks like the Blonde Wondertwins making out.  Bret says, and I quote:

When God was handing out douchebags, Bret must have thought he said “do-rags” and asked for extra, because that was like a super-medicated Massengil douche right up the old babymaker.

- One of the Whore Brigade (Red Sonja) tries to make friends with NotWhoreCrew.  Jes was all “Get the fuck out of my face you annoying whorebucket trashbag bitch.” Well, she didn’t actually use those words, but if that wasn’t what she was thinking, I’ll suck Magdalena’s dick.  Red Sonja thinks they have sticks up their asses.  Actually, sweety, they don’t have anything up their asses.  They’re trying to not be complete whores.  You, on the other hand, would shove a MGD bottle up your turdcutter if you thought it would land you a rock star boyfriend.

- Bimbo C. and Red Sonja plot to throw Punky Brewster into the pool.  Now, Lacey and Jes are not friends.  They’re not even friendly.  And Lacey simply walked up behind Jes and literally yoked her by the neck backward into the pool.  There was nothing cute, fun or jokey about it.  It was an a number one cunt move from top to bottom, and Jes is about to kill a bitch.  Commercial.

- Back from commercial, and all the whores are mocking Punky.  This will not end well for Red Sonja.

- Big John walks in with a folder.  There’s a song inside from Bret.

Now it’s time for you to get dressed
and find out which gives phone the best
When I’m on the road, when I’m on tour
I’m away from my baby and it’s a bore
I need a love who can get on the phone
Get me hot, and give me a...good time.

Oh that Bret.  He’s so witty douchey.

The three of you who light my flame
will win the first date of this here game
so be creative and make me hot,
because tomorrow some will stay and some will not.

Oh that Bret.  He’s so witty douche-like.

- Sidebar: Donna paused the TV on a close-up of Tiffany McDrunkenwhoreslutskankbitch.  That is, to put it mildly, an unfortunate-looking woman.

- (Read this next line like Jon Waters was saying it) Oh my!  All the girls are soo nervous!  I mean, this is soooo nerve wracking!  Should we get more drunk before we do this?  Ohmigoawd yes!

- Tiffany decides to start in on the wine.  Bad, bad, bad idea.  She starts pounding HUGE goblets of wine.  They’re like giant TGI Fridays-sized glasses and she’s knockin’ ‘em back like it’s a Friday night and she’s swallowin’ loads out behind Brocko’s Tavern or some shit.

- Two things: Bret is wearing some kind of pajamas that look like he stole one of Shaquille O’Neil’s suits.  WAY too big, insanely loud and ugly.  BUT...that’s not the most shocking thing:

Bret Michaels is not wearing a hat, bandanna or headband or any kind.  What we can see is that Bret Michaels now has a seven-head.  It;s like a forehead, only three inches higher.  :)

- Here’s the game: there’s a guy, named Dr. Roy (not an accredited doctor).  Hey, that’s EXACTLY what the kiron says.  Not an accredited doctor.  Dr. Roy has a machine called the...and I am totally guessing at the spelling, the plasthismograph.  It has a little ring that goes around Bret’s cock, and will measure his arousal.

Sweet fuck, I cannot believe this is actually on television.  Al Qaeda is right, we need to be destroyed as a people, because this is just WRONG.

- Hair update - we get a closer look at Bret’s “hair” and I will bet anyone on earth five thousand dollars that is a wig.  It doesn’t move naturally and it looks like dead horse hair.

- Bimbo C. is first.  And in the confessional cutaway, Douchey mentions his diabetes one more fucking time.  Hey Dickbag - WE GET IT.  WE KNOW YOU’RE A DIABETIC.  At least I am not being “treated” to many, many angles of Bret riding the Hollywood Taxi bike again.

Yet.

- Various and assorted girls say nasty shit, then the girl from the drunk scene before that I don’t know or recognize starts talking like someone’s mom.  It’s the opposite of hot.  If I were strokin’ it and she started saying this boring shit, I would find a way to become a digital signal, travel through the phone line and strangle her with my ball sack.  Cause my shit stretches.  Little personal info for you there.  I can choke a bitch with my nutsack.  Enjoy that visual.

- Chick With A Penis is next, and she starts singing him a song.  Now, let me set the scene: 

You’re a supposed hot chick (even though you still have bait and tackle).  You’re on a television show, dressed in lingerie, and your job is to talk dirty to Bret Michaels in order to get his dick hard.  So, instead of talking nasty about your big fat titties, or perhaps pretending that you have a pussy and maybe describing how you’d like him to touch it...instead of any of that, you sing this, kind of to the tune of the theme song from Growing Pains:

Once I received a phone call from LA
I knew that God finally heard my prayer
I’m gonna see you my little Bret-tay
An’ I’m so sure I can make you sweat-tay...

AAAANNNND Bret hangs up.  No seriously, he hung up on her.  Dizz-zamn.  That’s all sorts of embarrassing.

- OH JESUS CHRIST, Erin decides to do a dirty British nanny, and her British accent sounds like Danny Aiello trying to do a British nanny.  I’m not saying she sounded like a New Yorker, but imagine the terrible, awkard disconnect between Aiello’s voice and say, Mary Poppins.  Yep.  HeartlandHooters (Erin) was about that bad.

- Red Sonja fucking straight out said “When you’re not here with me, it’s like the wind has been removed from my sail.” On what fucking planet is that hot?  “Hello, my darling.  When I am separated from you, I feel as though my ability to forwardly locomote a sailing vessel is greatly inhibited.” Double-you Tee Eff?  She keeps going about treating him like a king and Bret says in the confessional cutaway that it was pure poetry, “like dragons flying around towers.” I’m not trying to re-use this word as a joke; I actually think that Bret Michaels might be the worlds biggest douchebag.  If there was a three hundred foot tall woman who needed, on doctor’s orders, to douche her vagina with bleach and battery acid, Bret Michaels is the only vessel large enough and resistant enough to contain such a corrosive mixture.

- Tiffiwhore is up.  Drunk off her ass.  She’s having zero effect on his penis.  And true to DrunkenWhore form, she drops that “Don’t threaten me with a good time” line again.  NEW DRINKING GAME - Everytime Tiffany says “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” you have to go to an AA meeting and thank God that you are not an alcoholic.  Bret hung up.

- One of the quiet girls is up - one of only like three brunettes, BTW - and she’s about as good at this as I am at speaking Chinese.

- The next girl up is straight 900-number nasty, and Bret’s penis monitor goes apeshit.  I can’t tell who this chick is yet, but you know that Douchebag is gonna pick her.  She was last.

- Bret comes into the room with the results.  Commercial.

- Back from the break, and I’ve written 2075 words so far not counting this sentence.  The TiVo says we’re 24 minutes into this recording.  Somebody save me.  Oh wait, wrong hair band.  :)

- Tiffany had the worst result.  A Penis Pulse of 2.1 Her confessional cutaway said, and I quote: “Bredd’s gonna be elimnayde tunnite not me.”

- Other Brunette was Faith, and Bret said “Gramma’s apple pie gets me hotter than that.” Yes Bret, I saw American Pie too.

- Tamara had a Penis Pulse rating of 5.2.  Not the worst, but not good at all.

- #10 was Erin doing the British Nanny with a 17.2 Penis Pulse rating.  Confessional cutaway from StripperShowmytit: “Erin, who has a fiancee...” Listen you dumb whore...her finacee dumped her!  Try listening to the whole story next time.

- The last girl, the extra dirty talker was Rodeo...I said to Donna I thought it was Rodeo, but she convinced me it wasn’t.  Her Penis Pulse rating was 19.5.  I suppose that on the phone she could raise the blood pressure, as long as you didn’t have to actually look at her handbag-quality leather face.

- #12 was an PP of 18, and it was Red Sonja.  That makes the winners Red Sonja, Rodeo and HeartlandHooters.

- Bimbo C. is trying to pick a fight with Erin.  Bimbo C. actually tries the old stupid blonde bitch trick of saying ‘I’m beautiful and you can’t stand it.” Erin fires back with “You are beautiful in the meth world, for sure you are.” My respect for HeartlandHooters just went up a little.  The rest of the fight was just Bimbo C. trying desperately to keep up with HeartlandHooters insulting her eight ways from Sunday.  And here’s where it all turns against Heartland.

See, Bimbo C. was in a car wreck, and has scars on her face.  Erin called her a “meth-scratched face.” And Brandi started crying.  You know what?  FUCK Brandi C.  She should in no way have ever started this argument in the first fuck place.  She took it to the next level EVERY time it escalated until Erin was looking to simply shut her down and make her stop talking.  So she went there.  And Bimbo C. can’t deal.  Boo fucking hoo.  Play the victim card when YOU started the fight?  Stupid whore.  Cry.

- Token would NOT be a good match for Rikki Rocket, I tell you whut.  She broke out with the “Fuck all pets.  I only wear animals and eat them.” Ouch.  PETA will be all over this girl like white on rice.  Or in this case, black on licorice.  Get it?  because Dallas is black.  Great.  Now Je$$e Jackson is going to picket my house and call me a racist.

Anyway, Lacey is all animal activist chicka, and they can’t stand each other and be in the same room.  So Bimbo C. is going to switch with Token.  I’m the middle of switching she’s crying her face off and telling all the other drunken whores that “Erin made fun of my car accident.” Which is so not what happened, but whatever.  It’s like picking sides in a kindergarten slap fight.

- Jesus H. Christ, Brandi C went running to Bret and cried on him.  And then this fucking dumb whore actually likened a scar on her face to a disability.  YOU CAN’T SEE THEM!  It’s not a fucking disability!  Bret is all outraged.  Here’s to hoping he watches the tape and doesn’t trust this bleached idiot’s word.  Now...in the middle of all this, Bret admits that when Bimbo C. speaks, as he put it, “in that little titmouse voice” it just turns him on.  So here’s this stupid, vapid whore of a waste of air, crying at him about her supposed disability and the evil clown-titted skank who mocked her, and he’s thinking “If I play this just right, she’ll rim me later.” Douche.  Bag.

“If I was in a wheel chair would you make fun of me for it?” Oh dear god.  Then Bret, as DOnna put it, “cleaned her tonsils” and walked her out.  Wow.

- Next day - date day.  Big John has another folder from Bret.  It;s another shitty poem that basically says the winners get to go out, losers stay home, four will be elminated tonight.

- The date starts at Jim Henson Studios (recording, not the puppet place) to meet Don Was.  The deal was the girls get to record backing vocals I guess.  KNow what I saw in Bret’s close-up as he kissed Red Sonja after she laid down her vocal?  Bret’s getting old man jowls.  :)

- Rodeo is up next.  Not a good singer.  It devolves into her just moaning.  Can you say one-trick pony?  Then the editors focus on her laughing at herself for like 90 seconds.  Have you ever heard the air come out of a car tire very slowly?  Imagine that sound coming out of Leatherface from the Texas Chansaw Massacre, and you just saw exactly what I watched.

- Lacey was all “I don’t see Rodeo as a threat.” Big mistake.  Rodeo may be a tough, weather-worn chick but she’s right up Bret’s alley.

- Erin was last, and she’s not a singer and wasn’t interested, but Bret talks her into it.  She does some sexy talk.  Then they sit and chat and Bret stares at her titties the whole time.  I really can’t say he’s wrong for doing it, because for fuck’s sake they are HUGE.  They seem like Double E’s.  Just ridiculously large.

- Back to the house.  Whores and NotWhores are divided.  StripperShowmytits has named the two sides “The A Team and “The Varsity Club.” She’s so fucking dumb she doesn’t know that the Varsity squad is the A Team.  JUNIOR varsity would be the B team, you unimaginably stupid wench.  Here’s the team listing as presented by the producers:

THE A Team

Heather as “The Captain”
Lacey as “The Instigator”
Tawny as “The Body”
and The Barbie Twins as “The Brains”

The Varsity Squad is everyone else, I guess.

- Back to the studio.  The song is shit, but Don Was says “I’m hearin’ a hit.” Looks like someone needed a line to get a union card.

- Back to the house, and the producers have embraced this A Team thing.  The caption says “A TEAM HEADQUARTERS, 7:03 PM” Oh lord.

- Stripper Showmytits is still talking shit about Erin’s “fiancee.” They’re plotting to get rid of her.  They;re gonna tell Bret on her.  Only, you know...they’re fucking wrong. And stupid.  And whores.

- Date girls are back.  Bret is planning to chat up the girls.  Tamara is looking at him like he’s explaining astrophysics.  Confessional cutway from Douchebag Mcheadband: “Here;s the thing about Tamara, no connection and dumb as a box of rocks, listen, the bottom line is she’s fuckin’ hot. (stammering here) I’m figurin’ after a little miscommunication, our bodies could do the talkin’.” Douche.  Bag.

- Tiffiwhore is opening another bottle of wine.

- The Whores are spreading that Erin has a boyfriend.  Then we get the clip of Heather telling Bret.  Bret’s all pissed off about it, only it’s not true.  He tells Big John to go get Erin.  She walks in and he says that fucking douchey thing he keep saying:  “What’s Ah Goin’ On?” It’s a fucking lyric from one of his fucking songs and he fucking says it in everyday fucking conversation.  I do not have a font size large enough to emphasize what a douchebag this makes him.  Just imagine that you are driving down the street, and painted on the side of the largest building you have ever seen are letter three hundred feet high that say “Bret Michaels is a douchebag.” That comes close to how large I want those words to be.  Back to yelling at Erin.

Bret asks her about her relationship.  She tells him.  Bret is all gonna bring Heather out to confront Erin.  Damn, I gotta give it to him...he isn’t doing shit behind anyone’s back.  Commercial.

- Back, and StripperShowmytits is worried that she went too far.  Tiffany is like “Tonight, Branda is goin hum.  Branda?  Brendi? Oh shit.” Brandi C. thinks Erin is going home.

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES.

OK, you know those duster coats that western and Australian dudes wear? Like this.  Imagine one of those made entirely from black & white cow spots.  BRET IS WEARING THAT RIGHT NOW ON MY TV.  Also, a hat made from brown and red and white, with flames on the brim and an airbrushed flag, skull and God knows what else on the main part of the hat.  It also has words on the rolled up brim: “American Outlaw.” It’s like a horrible explosion of everything that Kiss and Rob Zombie have ever owned.

Back to the eliminations.

- Rodeo is the first girl to get a pass.  Told you.  She’s going to stay, scare me with her face and of course rock Bret’s world.  Punky Brewster is staying.  So is Red Sonja, Meadow Soprano, Girl With A Penis, Token Black Girl, Alternachick, Brandi M. (who has no personality so no nickname yet), Stupid Blonde Scarface and Other Stupid Blonde Wondertwin.

- He calls out Stripper Showmytits.  He “confessionals” that she’s his friend.

- Last pass goes to: no one yet.  He talks about the girls that are leaving.  Faith, Tiffany, Tawny and Tamara (about whom he said “what a fucking waste” and he was right)

- Last pass goes to Erin.  He believed her.  Or, the producers wanted Erin and Heather (HeartlandHooters and Stripper Showmytits) to stay on the show and catfight.

- Wow.  Tamara tried to leave by the wrong door and Bret had to yell her to use the front door.  Box o’ rocks indeed.

- “For everyone staying in this house, are we ready to rock this house.” OH FUCKING STOP IT YOU BALD FUCK!!  See, this is what makes people get all crazy and want to shoot at strangers from clock towere.  Douchebags saying douchey things all the damn time.

OK, the clips for next week is Lacey trying to bait Dallas into hitting her over the whole animals thing.  Sweet.

3816 words.  I should be punished for that.  Oh wait, I am already being punished by this damned show.  So there’s that.

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- We open with Bret cruising up on the Hollywood Taxi bike.  Bit of a recap of who Bret is.  The modern footage...well, have you seen Geoff Tate lately?  Yeah.  Bret looks like a slightly thinner version.

- Oh my.  Wisdom.  Bret informs us that “If you can find one you want to be friends with and have sex with, hence (douchebag hand gesture of intertwining fingers) Rock of Love.” Oh my god, look what the cat dragged in.  A total douchebag who isn’t very thin.

- “25 of the most beautiful women in the world...” WTF?  Is you teh crazee?  Some of these women are...how can I say this?  Fucking ugly?  Yeah.  That sums it up.

- OK, I GET IT, THE HOLLYWOOD TAXI HARLEY IS COOL AND BRET RIDES IT.  I get it.

- We get to meet the girls. 

- Brandi M. says she’ll win because she’s sexy.  She is, I guess, if you like most of the girls that go to Sturgess every year.

- Magdalena has a eastern bloc accent in there.  Deep ass voice though.  Maybe a trannie.

- Erin is next.  Trailer.  Sorry, she’s cute for an Illinois Hooters girl, but totally common and mostly makeup.  Good cans though.

- “Raven” is the first black girl, and I’m half surprised they didn’t just go the South Park route and ask her to call herself “Token.” She gets the name of Poison’s biggest ballad wrong, so right away you know she’s a fake.

- Time for Bald Michaels to roll up...oh he’s so dreamy

- Brandi C. is up next.  Little girl fake voice, bleached blond bimbo.  Look for her to have daddy issues or a story about a molester uncle.  She was about...a zygote when Poison was still a charting band.

- Couple chicks are already talking about boning him.  Hey there’s a surprise.  Even old rock starts get ass, baby.  The whole point here is to spread whatever road diseases Bret has picked up over the years anyway, so let’s get to it!  Start the hot tub, it’s time to make some viral soup!

- Tawny...she says she used to make out with her Poison records.  She’s cute in her interview footage but looks like hell in the “live” stuff with the rest of the girls.  I get the feeling that if you catch her after a long weekend, she could look a lot like Tawny Kitaen does now.

- Rodeo is the next girl we meet.  Rodeo is...hmm...well, she thinks she’s a MILF.  In reality she look like she was ridden in a rodeo.  In Texas.  Outdoors.  In the bright, hot sun.  For about 46 years.

- We meet Big John. 

- Heather notices that John is big.

- John Bunyan lays out the rules for the ladies…

1. No one enters Bret’s room unannounced.
2. Please don’t touch the guitars.
3. Please don’t puke in the jacuzzi, because he’s the one that has to clean it.

- John picks Meridith, Tiffany, Kim, Kelly and Pam.

- Tamara is all “totally bummed” that she hasn’t been picked.

- We get a close up on Tiffany.  Holy crap.  Chicago accent maybe?  A Chi-town ho who never finished high school, and can’t afford the plastic surgery or the forger to make her face or her driver’s license match the age she tells people she is.  She’s so out of here.

- All five girls picked get the boot.  Heh.  As it turns out Kelly is from Chicago.  She’s humiliated.  Tiffany says she ain’t goin’ home.  Good luck with that.

- The girls flock to the bar.  Oh this is going to get so ugly.

- Our moment with Lacey.  Lacey has great...umm....hair.  Well, the color.  Well, the bottle it came out of, I mean.  I’m done with complimenting Lacey now.  Because I cannnot compliment her drum ability.  It’s fucking awful.

- Brandi C. explains that she and Kristia should be BFF, because, as she so eloquently put it, “we’re both blond and you know, we can bond over that.” She’s got to work for NASA with a mind that razor-sharp.  Oh, did I mention “Krissy” has some fantastic fake cans, the kind that make you want to punch your wife or girlfriend in the face for not having?  I didn’t?  Well she does.  I’m assuming she has the brains to match her bleached head and blond-girl conniving ways.  Which is to say none whatsoever.

- Tiffany comes back, and she’s banging on the door.  She’s actually beating the door down.  Scared o’ her.  Good call kicking her out, John.

- The ad for “Poison’d” comes on.  An album full of Poison just fucking up covers of some classic songs.  Hello, free internet downloads!  ‘Cuz I ain’t payin’ for that shit.

- John answers Tiffany at the door.  She whines at John - ‘I had a hat made, I cam here all the way from Chicago” Heh...knew it.  What a surprise, John lets her back in.

- We get a close-up with Mia, reacting to Tiffany’s re-entrance.  Mia is cute, in a “You better like Italian girls from Staten Island” way.

- Sweet.  A whole discussion about boobs, different forms of implants and so forth.  More of that, VH1.

- Time to meet Bret in typical meet & greet fashion.  Tamara says Bret is “The hottest rock star ever.  Yeah I wanna fuck that.” Look.  I’m a dude, but I feel totally comfortable saying this: Jon Bon Jovi is a year older than Baldy, still has his hair and is a very pretty man.  Sebastian Bach is five years younger is is almost pretty enough that if John Wayne were still alive, he’d consider spending the night with Bas and telling people about it in the morning.  Bret looks like he ate the real Bret Michaels, but only in the face.  Weirdest aging ever.  Skinny as ever, fat face that looks like Geoff Tate.  So...stop mugging for the cameras, whores.

- Bret is going to shoot their “VIP pass” photos because he needs to see them “through the lens.” God, he makes everything sound so douchey.  Rodeo is first.  Ahh...female body builder.  That explains the ridiculous skin and aged appearance.  She might not actually be 46...she just looks it.  We move through the other girls.  Tiffany whores it up.  She looks like Fergie, only uglier, even. 

- Magdelena decides to make out with him.  She is dressed pretty simply, but shows Bret like, part of a knee and he pretends she just whipped out her bah-gine.

- We meet Jes - kind of punky, the sort of chick that you’re friends with and might do if conditions were right.

- OK, now we’re into a montage of girls that have no idea how to take a photo.  “Gimme sexy, baby.” And what he gets is Scary Spice after a six-day meth bender.  Jay-sus…

- We get to meet Heather.  OK, you know that bar where the bartender is almost hot?  Heather.  She ups the ante by whipping out a titty for her photo, and Illinois Hooter Whore gets all “I’m not gonna lower myself to stripper standards...” Oh fuck you.  You’re a Hooter’s girl, not a fucking astrophysicist!  You’re gonna suck a golf ball through a garden hose if Bret asks you to so you can stay on TV as long as possible.  If Big John asked you to lick his ass clean after beer and chili night, you’re gonna do it and smile afterwards.  Shut your cumtrap, you skank bitch.

- I swear most of these girls are from Chicago.  Did they only hold casting calls there or something?  Commercial.

- Bret joins the room full of girls.  Brandi C. tries that “interrupt and pull the guy away” thing and almost immediately, you can see and hear the change in Bret.  He hates that shit.  He’s sitting on the couch chatting two of the girls up, and flighty blond daddy issues just shit all over the vibe.  You’re so done, sweetheart.  You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and you don’t interrupt the Rock Star.  This whole show is like “How to interact with a Rock Star 101.” Lesson 1; Never interrupt a male rock star when he’s talking to girls unless you are his manager or security guy.  Or you sign his paychecks.  :)

- Heh.  Three other girls jump on the couch and Brandi C. fucking cannot handle it.  She’s either the best actress ever in her interview, or she really is a childish, selfish whorebucket with no concept of how to deal with others.  Occam’s Razor says that choice number one would be too complex...Bret is literally talking to her like she’s 11, and trying to get Daddy’s attention at the edge of the pool.

- Hey, I noticed the product placement - Peavey paid for the amps.

- One of the girls asked Bret what his goal is.  He reiterates that he is looking for love, then he says something that was so horrible it required censoring three words, including his lips.  Whatever.  They played it like he just opened his mouth and said “N-WORD C-WORD RETARD” or something.  Only in this fantasy he actually, you know, said those words, and wasn’t so much of a pussy that he couldn’t write them out on a blog even if they were in quotes and a joke that was not in any way real or serious.

*cough*

Moving on.

- He thinks Tamara is the most beautiful women he’s ever seen in his life.  Either that beer is spiked with mescaline, Bret Michaels is blind from the diabetes, or he just loves that white trash cooch.  Donna says it’s for certain the latter.

SIDEBAR - I should probably tell everyone that Donna and her friend Danielle were at one time “professional fans.” They were NOT groupies.  They did not sleep with band or crew at any time for any reason.  They just liked meeting famous rock stars, and going to bajillions of concerts in the late 80s/early 90s.  They first met the boys in Poison on February 12, 1989, and subsequently spent so much time around the band that they were almost considered family.  Danielle still follows them around for a couple weeks each summer.  They know these guys as well as anyone who isn’t actually family or working for the band can.  They know Big John too.  So this is extra weird to watch, since she has all this inside dope on Bret’s type, what he likes, etc.  Should be interesting.

- Heh...Bret’s noticing “hot” doesn’t equal great conversationalist.  Could it be?  Could he be looking for someone to talk to?  he jokes about her hotness, but he seems really disappointed that she’s such a dumbass.  And I totally forgot to get the name of the girl this refers to.  Oops!

- Tiffany proceeds to get shitfaced and be a total frigging idiot.

- We meet another girl...Sam.  She mentioned Slayer and Tom Waits in the same breath, so she’s musically diverse.  I certainly won’t call her a liar...I have Nora Jones and Slayer on the same iPod.

- The Titty flasher interrupts what was going to be one of those “let’s talk about the meaning behind our ink” moments - which, if you have tattoos you know is a shortcut to getting to know a person - with the news that Bret’s ink for one of his daughters is also her birthday. Which brings the whole conversation to a grinding halt.

- I think I just picked up on something - This scene is the second time that Bret has been seated snuggled with Tawny on a couch while chatting with various chicks.  Keep an eye on that one.  Either Bret likes her, or she’s a smart as hell gamer who knows to keep quiet, but also knows to always be right there.  Or she needs her business worked like her cooch was a heavy bag and Bret’s tongue was Rocky Balboa.  I mean, it could just be that.

- Titty Flasher, who is a stripper, demonstrates a pole move, and Drunky McTiffiwhore gets up and make an ass of herself.  Big John is like an eagle - he sees all.  He was right to shitcan you in the first place, honey.

- Brandi M. has drawn Bret’s eye.  She’s another trashy chick, but hey, she could work.

- Jessica is also here.  Jessica is almost as intelligent as the cells in the crap I took this morning.  Almost.

- Here comes Brandi C. Jesus H. Jehosephat.  One of the girls nicknamed them Dumb and Dumber.

- Raven.  OK, this is fucking stupid.  She’s been hired to play the aggressive, angry black woman.  She talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks...Raven, Bret wants to do the talking.

- Bret really likes Rodeo.  I swear to God...he is attracted to the ugliest chicks, but she has a story.  She has a kid, and long-term health issues that are real and a struggle, and he bonded with her over it.  Donna called this at the very beginning...if you want Bret’s attention, talk about motorcycles, diabetes and kids.  Rodeo is two for three.  If she owns a Harley, she wins.  :)

- Every time that they cut away to Bret in the “confessional” interview he sounds so douchey.  It’s pure schmoozey jackass, this faux sincerity and powerpoint-deep philosophy.

- Back to the party - Big John is watching Tiffany call one of the other girls a cunt.  *sigh* Big bad John is totally going to throw Low-Rent Fergie the fuck out of here.

- We get Dallas’ name because Tiffany McDrunkywhore is all up in her grill.  Dallas is all ‘Someone needs to call security because I’m about to fuck that bitch up.” You know what?  She totally should smash that champagne glass in her face and CUT A BITCH!  We need more train wreck.  And blood.  Commercial.

- Back to the fight.  Jes is watching...ok, re-assessment.  Really pretty face and the hair is kind of happenin’.  Big John is trying to cool it down.  “I told you not to make me regret it.” Too late, John.

- Bret zeroes in on Jes too.  OK, now I don’t like her because Bret does.  OK, no, I just figured it out.  Her face looks a lot like Natalie Portman.  Too pretty for this show.

- Brandi C is stalking Bret again.  Now she’s literally raising her voice and whining.  Jesus she’s YELLING at him!  Now it’s a stupid battle.  They’re all pulling him around.  Bret plays peacemaker and goes to chat with Dumb and Dumber, and Drunky McWhoreson jumps on his lap.  She actually mounts him reverse cowboy and hurts him a little.  Bret leaves looking for Big John.  Brandi C is flipping the hell out.  Commercial.

- Tiffany is trying to start shit with Jes now.  She’s weirdly obsessed with being from the south side of Chicago.

- Lacey is a “touring musician” herself.  Hmm.  In what band?  She basically said ‘I know a dude on tour gets strange ass, it’s OK.”

- Bret doesn’t like wallflowers.  Shocker.

- Tiffs is all making more troubles.  Then she mumbles something about being eliminated for a salty.  Or a saltine.  Then they asked her why she’s here...Tiffany starts crying and screaming.  John’s watching.  He told her flat out fix your problem or you’re bounced.”

- Brandi C. decided to show off her cans.  She put on the other blond twin’s too-small bikini.  Bret all of a sudden has time for her.  Brandi C informs Bret that she would be OK being one of four mates, as long as she was the head girlfriend.  Wow.  I can’t imagine how she could come off dumber.

- There’s an elimination tonight.  Gee.  I wonder who John will advise Bret to toss?  her name begins with a T and ends with a “iffany is a drunken whore.”

- We get another girl’s name - Bonnie.  Yeah, she’s important.  We get her name eight seconds before elimination.

- Bret, Bret, Bret.  Do you think I don’t know that is a hairpiece and you’re hiding the hairline with that bandanna?

- OK, these are the girls that make it through to the next round:

- Rodeo, Heather, Jes, Sam, Magdelena, Brandi M., Faith, Tamara, Mia, Erin, Dallas, Tawny, Lacey, Krystia, and.......commercial.  Brandi C. is losing her shit.

- Back, and the last pick is...maybe not Brandi C, Bret says he’s “annoyed as shit by her.” The choice is...no, it’s her.  I suppose she’s good TV for now.  You know how The Bachelor asks if they will accept the rose?  Brett says “Will you stay and rock my world?” Douche.  Bag.

- OK.  This is such a setup.  Brett is telling Tiffany she doesn’t have a pass, but she can have another chance.  She’s good video footage...no other reason.  That had to be a production decision.

- Oh dear god.  For like the six millionth time, Bret says “Are we ready to rock this house?” It sounds so douchey every time he says it.

- We get a montage of activities the girls will be doing.  Note: not once do we see the line where Bret Michaels’ hair meets his forehead.  Not.  One.  Time.  There’s like 50 different moments in thsi montage, and not once is he without a helmet, hat or bandanna.

- Cool.  Montage of bitchiness to come, including some actual fights.  This is gonna be such a disaster, and I’m going to lose at least ten IQ points watching it.

And that was the first episode of Rock Of Love.  Holy shit.

*UPDATE*

OK, this is ridiculous.  I just did a word count on this post.  Everything above this update was 3,215 words.  Three thousand, two hundred and fifteen words on VH1’s Rock of Love and I can’t be arsed to post a god-damned thing most of the week?  Christ, I can’t believe anyone even reads this stupid blog anymore.  ;)

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