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First off, a glossary of the whores that are left:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits, Grandma, etc.
Lacey: Red Sonja, Red Cuntya, Cunty McCunterson, etc.
Jes: Punky Brewster.

- Recap: Red being Cuntya.

- Another beautiful morning at Douchebag Central.  Grandma and Cuntya are declaring that it’s game on, and Punky is talking about her connection to Douchey.  I almost want to cry for her.

- Oh frigging fuck friggers.  Douchebag has the guitar again.  Confessional: He calls them “The Awesome Threesome?” That’s not even a douche-quality nickname.  That’s some third-grade gang that has a clubhouse made out of an old refrigerator box they found over by the railyard with a sign out front that says “GURLZ STINK.” Jesus H. Hairspray this guy might be a high-functioning retard, for reals.

- Parents are coming.  Heather’s parents are first.  Dad look like he drinks - heavily.  She barely acknowledges her mom.  Her parents are divorced and she’s only seen them in the same room together twice in her life.  Wait, you mean to tell me that a stripper comes from a divorced family and has daddy attachment issues?  HOLY FUCK CALL CNN THIS IS NEWS.

- Douche comes out of the Fortress of Douchitude to some oddly omnious music...he’s a-scareded of meeting Stripper-Rents.  StripperMom (Brenda) and StripperDad (David) make a good impression on Douche, who starts talking football with StripperDad.  It’s the generic kind of football talk that make you want to tear out your ears and shove them down the speaker’s throat.  Next up: Punky’s parental units.

- The Punk Family Robinson shows up.  They look so utterly and completely normal and suburban.  Mom’s a bit short and a little chub, dad’s a big ol’ golfin’ CPA-lookin’ dude.  She talk about how her parents are fun and like her friends, etc.  That’s nice.  Hopefully her parents will talk some sense into her and make her realize that Douche is...well...a douche, and beneath her.  PunkMom is named Deb...as you might almost guess someone who looks like her would be.  Dad is named Jim.  You know, I’ve always hated the fact that my name was so CPA, drive-a-minivan generic.  ;)

Her parents are those slightly inappropriate, too-friendly kind...the kind that make jokes about their daughter’s tits and shit.  Gee, I sure am glad my in-laws aren’t like tha//////what?  Oh FUCK.  Yeah...been there, done that.  Remind me someday to tell everyone the “While you were at the movies, we had unprotected sex” conversation I was forced to sit through due to the “open, friends” relationship a certain someone has with certain other someones.

*cough*

- CuntyRents show up.  CuntDad’s got himself a hottie.  SubstituteCuntMom is kind of a babe!  So CuntDad says “Ready to come home now?” And note carefully Red Cuntya’s reply: “I have two more girl’s asses to kick, then I’m coming home.” Not “I want to win the love of this man first.” Not, “Just as soon as I bag this dude.” Nothing about Bret at all.  Just Lacey winning.  That’s all she has ever cared about.  I almost hope she wins...once again, who deserves each other more than a cunt and a douche?

CuntDad is immediately turned off by the giant pic of Lacey as the “devil” in the photo shoot contest.  Hoo boy.  Wait’ll CuntDad gets wind of what his lovely whore cunt bitch fucking asshole jerk scumbag of a daughter has been up to....

- Douche rolls up to Otis, who shall herefore be referred to only as CuntDad.  StepCunt is named Karen and looks like maybe, just maybe, she’s not much older than Lacey.  I’d like to rip on Dad for that, but why in the fuck would I?  Good for him.  And his Cialis prescription.  Turns out Douche met CuntDad on a plane six years ago.  CuntDad: “I actually showed him a picture of Lacey on that flight, and he said ‘Gee she’s really pretty’ and he said ‘Can I date her,’ and I said ‘she’s way too young for you.’” Dude.  He’s only older now.  :) I don’t think CuntDad likes Bret at all.  Bret thought he was “really odd” from the plane ride.  As we break this little get-together up, Dad is giving Bret the evil eye.  The commercial.

- We return to find everyone gathered in the living room, and from there Douche picks families to get to know.  Stripper Grandma and StripperRents get to go with Douche to “one of his fvorite places to eat,” (read: the ones that paid VH1 so he has to say that) The Saddle Ranch Chop House.  Shit, I’ll eat there.  I’ll pay them to eat there.  Dead animals an open flame.  Fuck yeah.  I do wish he’d brought Lacey here though.  ;)

Everyone proceeds to get drunk and tell stories about farts and poop and stuff.  Dad’s a total drunken redneck stereotype.  Wow, hard to believe a couple of fun-loving divorced drunks like this produced a dancer with issues, eh?  You never hear about that.  Usually strippers come from such wholesome backgrounds are are only dancing to pay for school.

Now it’s time for Stripper to ride the mechanical bull, which we all know when chicks do it, it’s a metaphor for ridin’ that cock.  So, great thing to do with the ‘rents!  Heather in confessional: “My tatters are flyin’ everywhere...” Like this is new?  All you do is wave your “tatters” around like they were currency!  Which, to you, they are, so I guess that makes sense.

Anyway, they all got along and had a good time.  He sends the StripperFamily home in a limo.  He heads to meet Punk Family Robinson at “Rock & Roll Religion,” a Melrose Ave fashion hole for “rockers.” So, they paid a sponsorship fee as well then.  I mean, just say it.  Don’t pretend these are all your favorite places to go, dick.  And VH1.  You’re all dicks too.  We’re not stupid, we know these are sponsors.

Before I describe what happens at the shop, I feel the need to mention that Bret is being a douchebag again.  Instead of just ending his confessional cutaway with the simple fact that he’s taking them to this shop, he feels the need to end with “Off we go.” And then he did a total dick/douche versin of the ZZ Top pointing finger gesture.  It was half dick, half douche.  Diche?  Douck?  Bret?  WHatever, it made me want to slap him in his old man jowls.

So...PunkRents, the kid and the old rock dude hit the shop.  Montage of dressing up.  The PunkRents are playing it up and eeryone’s having fun.  BORING!  Nothing to mock, really.  MOVE ON!  We don’t watch this shit to see things go well!  Maybe PunkMom will grab Bret’s cock or something.  Spice some shit up around here!  Douche calls it a “nine-and-a-half, if not ten” date...but it’s time for CuntFam and the DeathStare of Doom...time for Lacey’s parent and his young fucktoy replacement for Lacey’s dead mother.

- This time we get a commercial for “eat. on sunset.” That’s the name.  Lower case like that, because it’s still 1994 where these people live.  “eat. on sunset.” With the punctuation and everything.  I want to open a public toilet next door with holes in the adjoining wall instead of urinals and call it “piss.  on eat.  on sunset.” I wonder if I could get a bank loan for that?

Inside, and CuntDad is grilling Douche.  Question after question..."I was like a boxer trapped in the corner.” Good.  Except for the fact that he spawned that hell-creature, and doesn’t seem to know his daughter is half-a-whore and a whole cunt, CuntDad’s not my least favorite person on this show right now.  Someone ought to question Douchebag McBaldfuck on his bullshit.

Douche asks if the fries are hot, and CuntDad is all “I think it’s all the lies you’re tellin’!” Heh.  I think that penetrating gaze sees all...of course the reality is CuntDad is crazy as a shithouse rat and twice as ugly, but if he focuses his madness on Bret, like some kind of demented laser beam of aggressive ridiculousness, I’m all for it.  Douche is pissed in his confessional because he “hasen’t even got to lie yet.” Oh please.  You lie to yourself every morning when you strap that bandanna on, Baldy.  You been lying to bitches and their parents for years.  CuntDad’s got your number.

- Uhh...CuntDad’s all informing Bret Michaels that if he wants to get married, there will be a pre-nup.  Hmm.  Lacey’s father is rich and utterly blind when it comes to his daughter.  Explains a lot.  Anyhoo, besides the fact that old, bald, developing jowls and losing his fanbase as Bret may be, he’s got a few mil in the bank.  Dad is way, way out of touch with reality.  But I love how uncomfortable he makes Douche.  Douche is mad because A) CuntDad is crazy and jumping ahead of things, and B) Lacey has represented herself as a starving musician who barely gets by.

Oh, also?  TrophyStepCunt hasn’t spoken a word.

CuntDad goes on a rampage: “The thing about Lacey is, she’s a Presidential scholar, she never does drugs, she doesn’t smoke, she doesn’t drink a whole lot...” Cut to montage of Lacey drinking and whoring it up on the show.  CuntDad is totally and utterly clueless about who his daughter is.  This is gonna be fun when Heather unloads on him.

OH SHIT!  OH SHIT!  Oh this is too fucking sweet.  CuntDad is crazy like a junebug in July, but motherfucker straight up says to Bret Michaels “Can I ask you another (mumble)...Do you have hair underneath that hat?” Bret: Yeah.” Confessional: “What in the fuck is up with Lacey’s dad?” Then he shoots CuntDad the DeathStare of Doom:

-

HA!  Bald fucker got called out.  Notice he didn’t remove the hat to prove that he has hair.  Now, in fairness he has some hair under there.  Just, you know, not a hell of a lot of it.

Lacey’s confessional: “I think that Bret was a little bit shaken up by my dad at lunch today, and that’s not exactly how I wanted things to go, so, I’m getting a little bit worried about what might be going through Bret’s mind.”

Let’s take a visit into the mind of Bret Douchebag Michaels for just a moment, shall we?

“Damn.  I still look so fine.  I mean, look at my ass.  Have these people seen my ass?  I have the ass of a 20 year old.  Wow, this old fucker sure is out of touch with his crazy whore of a daughter.  Hey, did I ask Big John to buy extra condoms for this weekend?  I wonder if that chick from the clothing store would do a group scene with me and Jes.  That would be kickass.  I could write a song about it, something like “I may be older, and my memory comes and goes-uh, but I still get young ass, especially after shows-uh!  I met this fine young thing, for this show she dressed me-uh, now I hope she comes, and so do I and Jes makes three-uh!  The miles come between us...” Oh wait that was one of CC’s lyrics.  Fuck.  Is he still talking about Lacey?  Jesus, I should tell him what a manipulative, cunty drunk she is, but I’m too scared of him without Big John around.  Fucking dick.  I’m thinking that you’re daughter’s a lying whorey cunt right now, old man.  Can you read my thoughts?  I don’t have many of them, it should be easy.  Where’s my waitress?  Fuck, those fries were hot.”

Lunch over, back to the house for dinner with all the parents.  As we return, Douche is saying via confessional that he’s not sure if he believes Lacey.  Uhh...dude?  She’s a lying cuntbucket.

- Lacey takes her parents into her and Heather’s bedroom.  She;s stunned to find Stripper topless.  First of all, it’s her bedroom.  Secondly, IT’S HEATHER!  Of course she’s topless!  For fuck’s sake you’re lucky she didn’t drop to her knees and try to unzip your dad’s pants! 

StripperShowMyTits: “Lacey’s Dad is completely starin’ at my tatters, it’s like, freakin’ me out.  Creepy.  Creepy Creeperton, OK?”

She’s not kidding, and that ain’t all he’s starin’ at.  Check it:

Cree.  Pee.

- Cut to Cuntya talking shit about Stripper in confessional and to her parents.  Ahh, loyalty.  Friendship.  Such a wonderful thing.  StepCunt asks Red if she “did anything” after being shown the stripper pole.  Lacey says, with a straight face from years of practicing lying to her parents: “No.”

Lacey tries her passive-agressive shit on Heather, calling across the room for Stripper grandma to do some moves on the pole, but Heather just walks away.  Then we get a shot of Heather telling her parents all the crazy shit that she personally has done on the show.  Wow.  Leveling with them before they see the tape or hear it elsewhere.  Smart move, and probably a sign that her parents may not be the pile of neuroses and issues that Lacey’s dad seems to be.  Good for her.  She tells her parents that she;s gonna call Red out at dinner.  Suh-weet.  Commercial.

- Back, and Big John calls everyone to dinner. The table is tense, as Jes put it.  Douche walks in.  “I walk out to the table, and there’s a definite funk to the air.” Ya think?  Lacey;s here and her dad is fucking crazy, and ignorant.  Of course there’s a funk.  Or, you forgot to wash after one of the “superfans” left.  One or the other.

- Red and her batshit crazy daddy decide to “get the conversation started.” Oh, this should go very well.  Punky: “Lacey and her dad, being the two fuckers that they are...” Damn.  Jes sees this after what, two seconds with CuntDad?  And she can’t see Bret is a douche?  Jes, Jes, Jes...you poor, starstruck young’un.  He’s a douchedick.  Run away!

Anyway, The Cunts are grilling everyone.  Jes tells her story, and Heather is next.  Lo and behold, ths stripper has a couple of minor degrees...a two-year liberal arts degree and a BA in communications, which ultimately means that she spent four years to be qualified to...strip.  Because those two degrees are worthless.  But hey, she did it, and that’s saying something at least.  She’s not a total dipshit, she just knows where her skills lie.  In waving her “tatters” and separating stupid men from their money.

- CuntDad is bragging about his clients throughout...but also drops the fact that Lacey doesn’t have a job...Red tries to cut him off when everyone asks what she does by saying that she’s a musician, but he tells the table she lives off investments and plays the market, Can we say poseur?  Why does she hide that shit?  I’d be telling fucking everyone.  “Hells yes I’m loaded.  I decided to start a band and fuck around all day.  Wanna make something of it, dickheads?” But noooo...she’s gotta play starving artist.  Dippy bitch.

Jes: “He clearly has absolutely no idea who his daughter is.” No shit.  And then Heather starts...she’s “jokingly” talking about Lacey’s wild shit in the house, Red Cuntya’s trying to play it down, and CuntDad is doing one of two things: Either he’s getting pissed off, or he’s trying to pretend none of this is happening and doing a mental “LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” routine.

- StepCunt takes Red into the kitchen to ask about what the deal is with Heather.  Lacey talks to her with the same fake bitch tone she uses on everyone...and plays all dumb like she doesn’t know exactly why Heather is saying the shit she’s saying.  I think Lacey is incapable of being honest.

- Grandma and Douche are talking about the bull at the Saddle Ranch, and CuntDad is all “Who eats at a restaurant with a mechanical bull.” Oh, well, excuse me, Senor Sophisticate.  I wasn’t aware you were from Devonshire and held your fucking pinky out when drinking a cup of Earl Grey.  What the fuck?  This dude looks half homeless and he’s always on about how classy he is.  Still, it enraged the Douche, so on some level I like it.  :)

- Douche calls it a night, he can’t take CuntDad anymore.  Night all!

- Cut to; next morning.  Douche is hitting the heavy bag.  He’s tense.  Apparently he’s stewing about CuntDad.  Red joins him in the “gym” area, and Bret tells her that he felt weird about CuntDad’s whole bizarre hangups about money.  Cuntya in her confessional is all “My dad is a very successful man...” i bet it;s not half as much as they;re all making it out to be.  Time for Google.

So...Otis Conner is the owner/President/whatever of the Axcess Group, which allegedly saw revenues of $20 million in 2002.  I don’t know how many “companies” there really are, but the main thing they seem to do is sell pre-made jingles coupled with snappy advertising lyrics to companies all over the country.  So he’s an ad guy.  Yeah, I can see there being some money in that, but not enough to make him act like this much of a total prick.  Remember that’s revenue of $20 mil...he had 60 employees at that time, plus who the hell knows what else in expenses.  So, some real money here, but not enough to justify the cock behavior toward a guy that is, as much as I mock, a legit rock star who made real money and still does.

- Cut to Strips and StripperDad in the kitchen talking about how manipulative Lacey is, and at the same time - while douch3e is lifting weights for the camera, I might add - Lacey decides to, as she put it. “throw Heather under the bus.” My Christ she is a piece of work, ain’t she"\?  So sweet and demure.  At this exact moment Bret is already thinking you’re a lying, manipulative rich bitch cunt.  It this really the time to prove him right?  But hey - it’s your funeral.

Heather is standing on the balcony over the “gym” area and listening to the whole thing.  See, Heather?  This is what she did to everyone and you helped.  Karma’s a bitch.  Still...I hope Grandma takes her down.  Lacey went pretty fucking far, talking about how disrespectful Heather was being to her own parents.  They seem to be fucking fine with Heather, I’m not sure why Lacey presumes to know them better than they know themselves.  Heather is pissed and Jes comes out...Heather: “I’m about to go fuckin’ off, you have to come help me out.”

Heather goes downstairs and walks straight up to them.  “You’re a liar.  Your family has no idea what kind of a person you are!” Confessional time, and Cuntya seems unaware of why Heather would be so angry.  Uhh, cuz you just told the man she seems to be into that she will fuck any roving dick that wanders by, is using him for a way out of stripping and hates her parents?  I’m not saying any of that is untrue, mind you, but Lacey shouldn’t be surprised that Heather is pissed off.

So far the best part is that Jes keeps lazily eating her cereal, calmly watching the fireworks.  :)

The yelling continues.  “You manipulated me like you did everybody else.” Confessional with Jes: “This.  Is.  Awesome!” She said it just like that, with pauses and everything.  Meanwhile Heather is saying that Lacey’s family will be embarrassed by her real actions, she’s been lying to them, etc.  Lacey is trying SO hard to figure out a way to spin this, but the fact is she did say all that shit, and if she denies it now Bret will see, indisputably, that she’s a liar.  She’s literally sputtering and spinning like a tractor stuck in the mud.  Heather just storms off...classic.  In her confessional, Heather says that if Lacey wasn’t such a liar to her family, then she wouldn’t get called out.  BINGO.

Bret sends Red inside to “address” Heather.  Bad idea.  I see why he did it: he likes to get shit done out in the open with things like this, and he seems to want to get this kind of stuff over quickly...but it;s a bad idea to chase after Heather right now.  As I am sure we are about to see.

- Cut to Heather and Jes in one of the rooms.  StripperShowMyTits is screaming and ranting, sometimes yelling out an open screen door.  They cut to CuntDad standing on a balcony, but there’s no way to know if he could hear all of this.  As we go to commercial, they prime us for the blowout to come.  $20 bucks says CuntDad ignores and denies any and all wrongdoing by his saintly daughter.  Easy to see how she got this way now that we’ve all met Daddy...and commercial.

- Holy fuck.  All of that typing and we’re exactly 39 minutes in.  Jesus.

- We’re back...it’s the Brawl To End It All!  Gash Fight For The Cash!  The blowout continues.  Heather is wandering around the house swearing her face off about Lacey.  Heather in confessional: “Lacey is the biggest fucking bitch.  How dare she talk shit about me, she’s the biggest dick-sucking whorebag in this whole house...and has been since day one.” Well, except for Brandi M, but who’s counting? :) Why does Heather keep talking specifically about sexual activity by Lacey?  We know she had some action in that three-four-whateversome, plus we know she fucked Bret in Vegas.  But Heather is talking like there’s other shit going on.  Maybe Lacey’s fuckin’ the crew?  Some of the whores from earlier in the show?  Is Heather just ranting?

- Side note: CuntDad has a single diamond earring.  And he’s a jingle salsman.  DOUCHE.  BAG.  Dude, you’re sixty years old. (I looked it up)

- Back to the bullshit.  Lacey is totally underplaying what she did with her parents, selling it like she was just innocently chatting and Heather went batshit crazy on her.  Key-rist this bitch is brazen.  She totally gets that from her dad, by the way.  He’s got a rep in Texas as a slick, consummate salesman who could sell ice to Eskimos.  Lacey lives her entire life like it’s a sales pitch.  Daddy’s little girl!  She’s pretending like she gives a shit about Douche’s best interests.  Oh please.  All you want to do is win and figure out how this can make you a buck.

CuntDad is all like “I’ve known you for 30 years, I know who you are.” Oh please.  You know her about as well as I know Osama bin laden you blind old fuck.  Amazing how a successful salesman, who needs to be able to read people in order to arrive at a mutually beneficial bargain with them, is so utterly blind when it comes to his daughter.  Unless of course she’s simply a better salesman than he is.  Which is possible.  Especially given that dads can often be blind to daughters and what they are really like.

Or he’s just an arrogant fuck who is in “my daughter’s the best cheerleader” mode and isn’t above breaking a leg or two to make sure his little girl makes varsity, if you get my analogy.

- Cut to Punk Family Robinson, and they’re all just laying back on the patio, laughing at the other idiots.  PunkDad to StripperDad: “She get that side from you?” Reply: “Yessir, she sure does!” Yeah...Heather’s parents are really hurt by her, aren’t they?  The man was practically beaming when he said it.

- Cut to Lacey asking Heather to talk. Heather: “All you’re gonna do is lie and try to manipulate....” Lacey: “I don’t lie.” WHAT THE EFFIN’ EFF?  You don’t lie?  Err...wait.  She’s right.  She doesn’t lie.  She’s a true sociopath...she believes whatever she says at that moment, so it isn’t a lie.  Cuh-razeeeeee!

They argue in front of the whole crowd.  Heather goes off about how Lacey changed when her parents came...true, she does act different in front of them.  Have you EVER seen her drink water and soda?  Hells no...but when Daddy’s here she’s laying off the booze, and that right there says enough about how much CuntDad knows.

“When they watch this show, your dad is gonna die.” Fact.  Confessional time, and Lacey is literally saying that she hasn’t been manipulating Heather this whole time.  See?  She believes whatever she says, even if it directly contradicts what she said a few minutes ago.  That’s one of the hallmarks of the true sociopath.  Technically it’s psychopath, but people think that means “psycho killer.” Sociopath will do as a description.  Lacey is crazy.  mentally ill.  Unbalanced.  A sociopath.  I bet her daddy is too.

Heather keeps going: “You’ve ridden my coat tails...” Yep.  “You;d be gone a long time ago if it weren’t for me...” Yup.  Confessional: She’s totally playing me like she played everyone else in the house.” Abso-frigging-lutely.  Earlier Lacey actually said, specifically, that she was going to talk to Bret in order to “throw Heather under the bus.” Heather says to her “You’re throwing me under the bus” and Lacey;s all “No I’m not.” And then, in a confessional, acts like she really isn’t!  Cuh-razy.  Sociopath.  Disconnected from reality, empathy and sympathy.  Able only to emulate real emotions...except anger.  Sociopaths can always access anger.

Sound familiar?

The dads are standing behind the respective daughters just in case shit pops off, I guess.

Lacey’s trying to doublespeak her way out of what she said to Bret earlier regarding heather’s parents, and Heather raises the only valid point she needs to make to win this argument: Lacey had no business talking to Bret about Heather’s relationship with her parents, period.  Stripper Grandma is on a fucking tear and refuses to let Lacey get a word in edgewise...heh.  She learned from watching Red be all Cuntya with all the other girls, if you let her talk she will spin and spin and spin until you’re so dizzy, you;re buying ice and you live in Alaska.  In an igloo.  Made of fucking ice.

Heather: “Does your dad know you’re the only one who’s been doing all the sexual shit with Bret.  You’ve been sucking his dick every night since you’ve been here.” OH SNAP!  Lacey, totally calmly, replies “Heather you know that’s a lie.” No emotion at all.

Now ladies.  Let me ask you something.  If your fucking dad was standing in the room, and you knew that cameras were running, AND you were innocent, would you react to an accusation like that?  Most of the women I know would seriously consider slapping a bitch right about at this point.  Hell, most of the dudes I know would have already slapped a bitch a long time ago.  What the fuck is up here?  Could this be true?  Has Bret been keeping Lacey on the show because Red Cuntya has been swallowing Bret’s unborn children on a nightly basis?  Sure would explain some shit…

Heather; “I SAW YOU SUCK HIS DICK IN THERE!” and she points to the Fortress of Douchitude.  Holy crap!  So something definitely happened during that three/four/whateversome night from a few episodes ago.  Dizz-amn!  CuntDad: “You’re being trashy.” Heather:"I did not do anythings sexual with that man.  You’re daughter’s a slut.”

Uhh...I get the feeling that is all true.  I mean, one, it has the ring of truth to it.  Two, Heather is saying it knowing full well Bret will see it, and may be able to hear the whole thing right now.  Three, just look at her...I really think she’s telling the truth.

- Cuntya confessional and she;s saying that Heather crossed the line, her family did nothing to Heather, etc.  Then I notice another thing that clues me in to part of Lacey’s personality: Karen, StepCunt, is not involved in this discussion AT ALL.  If she’s in the room they haven’t shown her.  But here, and every other time she talks about them, Lacey is always extremely careful to say things like “When she attacked my dad and Karen...” Heather didn’t attack Karen.  She didn’t even mention her.  No one has.  But Lacey is always so extra careful to include her...because she’s selling Karen.  It’s a sales technique.  Repeat the person’s name to establish a bond...and the calculating sociopath would over-do it like this because they don’t know how to bond naturally and just be.  It’s a little thing, but I think it speaks volumes about this crazy broad.

Anyway...CrazyCunty just said Heather is dead to her.  Can’t wait for eliminations!  Hey, isn’t it still the morning?  What the fuck are they gonna do all day?

- CuntDad is off to talk to Bret...who is still in the gym area.  Holy crap.  Can’t wait to see how this goes.  CuntDad just walked up to Bret and with almost zero fanfare, said that someone told him he needed “to be concerned about my daughter sucking your dick.”

Dude, you don’t fucking talk to people like that if you don’t know them!  For all the cursing and swearing and blunt talking I do with friends, family, on this blog, I wouldn’t, in a million fucking years, presume to talk like that to some dude I just met yesterday.  I’d certainly raise the issue, but I might ease the fuck into it a bit...and maybe not try so hard to defend my whore of a daughter.  But then, I’m not an idiot.  Much.  I’m really starting to feel bad for Douche Michaels here.  He’s a benign kind of douche when all is said and done.  CuntDad is the sort of douche that can scar your vag, you know what I’m sayin’?  Like douching with lye.

Anyways, Bret looks at him like, well, CuntDad just walked up and started talking about Bret’s cock.  Which is pretty much exactly what just happened.  So it turns out that CuntDad isn’t here to confront Bret, or to worry in any way that his daughter is a cunty whore.  No...he’s upset that Heather might score pioints with Bret over this, and his little cheerleader is the bestest!  He’s totally fucking pulling a Lacey here.  I suppose in retrospect, Lacey has been pulling an Otis this whole time…

Dad’s here selling his daughter by tearing down Heather.  He’s like a Chevy dealer, trying to convince you that “Those damn Hondas are cheap Jap crap.” Meanwhile the shitboxes he sells are 50 times worse and you’d be much better off in a Honda.  Heather may only be a Honda Civic that’s spun the odometer around to 000000, but Lacey is a Geo Metro.  With quite a few miles herself.  At this point I’ll take the Civic, thank you very much.  Bret’s praying for Big John, who, conveniently, is asleep on a couch somewhere.

- Bret’s trying to deflect the cock-sucking, but...here come the tears!  “I can’t put my parents through this.  You have to draw the line somewhere.” You fucking fake.

I just realized, as Lacey is giving yet another confessional about how Heather disrespected her parents, that Lacey pulled a fast one on everyone.  She has TOTALLY shifted this argument away from herself and framed it solely as “Heather attacked my parents.” Which, of course, simply isn’t true.  Until CuntDad spoke directly to Heather, Heather had NOT yelled anything at them, she was yelling at Lacey.  And the first thing CuntDad did when he spoke directly to her was to call her trashy!  So of course she responded!  And even then, even while riled up, angry and yelling, having just been called names by CuntDad, all she said was “I never did anything sexual with that man, your daughter is a slut.” That, my friends, is not the vicious attack Lacey and her slick daddy are making it out to be.  But see, what Lacey has done here is to re-frame the entire debate and make it about Heather attacking her parents, which is a fight Heather cannot win.

And now, there’s a lot less discussion about Lacey being a liar and a cock-sucking whorebag, isn’t there?  Deny, deflect, disrupt.  The behavior of a sociopath.

To end this segment, Bret wants out.  I don’t think that he believes a word from either of them.

- Cut to getting ready for eliminations.  Heather is nervous.  Jes isn’t worried..."I know that one of those two crazy bitches is goin’ home.” Lacey is in a room, getting ready, talking to StepCunt and literally acting like her whole little twist-around is reality.  She’s talking to Karen like Heather really did “attack” them.  She totally believes her own lie now.

Sew-see-oh-path!  Commercial.  We’re almost at the end.

- Predictions.  OK, first of all, I think that Bret has already decided on Jes...unless something truly surprising happens, she’s his pick.  I also think that if Lacey;s parents had been half sane and CuntDad wasn’t such a total dick, Heather might have been sent packing this week.  However...due to CuntDad and Cuntya’s complete and total insanity, as well as the blatant lies and manipulations, Lacey gets sent packing.  Plus, if Lacey is gone, then no one will be talking about her sucking Bret’s cock, and he’d like to avoid discussing that as much as possible.  Sending Red home is the best solution to all his current problems.  Commercial.

- We’re back and in the elimination room.  The parental units are positioned behind each girl.  Super dramatic!  One wonders if Douche will have the balls to speak freely in this situation.  Lacey would send Heather home.  Nothing about loving Bret....just wants to beat Heather.  Heather pretty much feels the same...I think, as misguided as it is, that she really cares about Bret though.  Maybe I’ve been unfair to her with all the “Bret will get her out of the clubs” jokes.  Aww!  My heart is growing three sizes this day!  Heather is my Cindy-Lou Who!  Ding-Dong!  Ding-Dong!  Everyone sing along!

Jesus Christ...it’s Rock of Love, Jim, not a documentary on child victims of a Peruvian earthquake.  Get a hold of yourself!

- Moving on.  Jes is talking about Lacey too.  I suppose that’s to be expected.  Jes at least mentioned Bret.  Douche comes in, dressed normally again, with that black blazer and a regular dress shirt.  Hat and bandanna of course, I mean..bald spot.  Still, perhaps the stylist learned not to let him dress himself for these eliminations?  He’s “feeling kinda lost right now.” Why?  Unless you’re like, unable to go without your nightly blowjob for a day or two.  I mean, we wait a week between episodes, but dude, you’ll be at the finals in like, 36 hours.  You can’t possibly need your dick sucked every day, can you?  Eliminate the crazy.

Douche thanks the parents and says it’s been “awesome.” OK...if you say so.  Then he sends the parents out, saying that ultimately he’ll be dating their daughters, implying that “It’s not about you, it’s your daughter.” Not a bad move, really.  Maybe he’ll say something to Cuntya.  COnfessional by Heather talks about how she wants to focus on Bret and be here for him.  Then Cuntya is shown telling her parents - loudly so the other girls can hear - “I’ll call you later with the good news.” What. A. Bitch.  She says that she has a bond and a connection with Bret.  I suppose a cock down the throat is a connection, of sorts.  Jes is just trying to be goofy and joke around about how if she gets eliminated she’ll blame her parents.  I wish she hated Bret...she’s goofy and cool and pretty and doesn’t deserve this douche.  But alas, she is young and wooed by tales of the stardom and footlights, as youth are wont to be.

First I’m Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man, now I think I’m fucking Shakespeare.  This episode has to end quickly.

- Douche says that there’s something about each of them that he likes.  Then out comes pass number one.  He says he’s formed really strong feelings for this girl, and he wants to know more about her and it’s a great feeling for him.  As soon as he says it, Cuntya looks right at Jes.  She knows.  Jes is the one.  If you survive this round, good luck trying your Jedi manipulation bullshit on this one.  She may not see through Bret, but she sees your ass like you was made of transparisteel.

Great.  Now I’ve mutated into Star Wars dork.  This has to end.  Jes get her pass.

- Douche talks to both of the remaining whores, and he talks about Heather as his friend, but mentions only the fact that Lacey has been “determined and driven.” Hey Bret, you forgot calculating, lying, cunty, manipulative, open for business, drunk and swallowing. 

Confessional: “In the end, I’m basing my decision on one thing that is my gut feeling who’s being truthful who’s lying - who is who they is (douche hand gesture moving side to side) and who ain’t who they ain’t.” Jesus...he couldn’t go an episode without some of that douche philosophy, eh?

He calls Lacey down.  He tells her there’s a side to her he loves and a side to her that confuses him.  He thinks the side that he doesn’t under stand would ruin there relationship and her tour ends here.  She.  Doesn’t.  React.  Douche confessional says that he thinks that she was crazy, but crazy for him as well, but there’s a “lot more lies and deception going on.” HOLY FUCK!  that reminds me.  Is this the first episode where he didn’t say “Ah-wassa-goin’awn?” I think it might be!

Red Cuntya is dead.  She’s “absolutely in shock.” Only she’s not reacting at all.  “I can’t even feel emotions right now.” Good little sociopath!  Explain away why you’re not reacting to this utter and total defeat!  You got burned, bitch.  All the whining on your MySpace will never erase the image you put out there, and people will always know you for what you are, sweety.  Buh-bye now!

- The pass goes to Heather.  He tells her “thank you for having my back.” Hey, maybe she does.  Confessionals - Heather says she’ll sacrifice anything for him, and Jes says she needs to step up her game and show Bret she really wants to be with him.  Then he tells them that tomorrow, they are all going to Cabo.  Please do NOT have Sammy hagar guest star in that stupid club of his!  I swear to God I will kill someone.

- Scenes from the next season finale...Cabo stuff.  These two don’t seem like they hate each other, even though they do argue, it’s about how much each one is devoted to Bret.  I doubt next week will be as much fun as this week!

It’s finally fucking over!  I’m gonna stop typing now.  This has got to be over 5000 words.  Up to the previous sentence, the word count...is 7102.  Make up your own witty ending, I’m fucking done.  :)

Less

More

First off, a glossary of the whores that are left:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits, varying forms of Grandma, Old Lady, etc.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Brandi M. (or BB as they call her): Sturgess.  Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)

- Secondly, a prediction - Sturgess The Cock-Slurping Professional gets the boot, and for saying something nasty about Old Grandma Hardcore (my apologies to the actual Old Grandma Hardcore, who is hardcore for a whole different reason).

- We open with the recap, which is all about Sturgess at first, so my prediction feels right.  Then we see Old Stripper and her tat, plus Sam leaving.  It was maybe 45 seconds, and 30 seconds of it was about Brandi…

- It’s another glorious day at the Douche Residence, and Red Cuntya has decided that Sturgess is the next to go.  Good for you guys.  Good for Brandi.  Jokes about her profession aside, since I really don’t have anything against sex workers at all, she’s kind of cool and doesn’t deserve to be saddled with this pathetic, needy guy.  Either Lacey or Heather deserve every minute of Bret Michaels that they get.

- Big John shows up with another douchey poem.  At this point we’re treated to close-ups of the ladies early in the morning.  I ask you, given the choice, would you prefer to look at this across the breakfast table?

Or perhaps you’d rather not regurgitate your Eggo and you’d like to look at this instead.

Yeah.  Easy choice there.  Lacey looks like Michael Vick fought her in a six-round tournament last night - and she lost.  Anyway, the poem…

Good morning to my final four
Pack your bags it’s time to tour
I’ve got a gig in the city of sin
but when we get back someone goes home again.

Doesn’t anyone on this show know what meter is?

- Douchey is standing outside a big (free) Gibson-sponsored tour bus.  He couldn’t ask for maybe one Poison logo on it?  :) It’s pretty stylin’ inside, as these luxury rolling hotels usually are.  We’re also treated to Douchebag playing for the ladies, as if to remind them that at one time, he, used to be somebody, be somebody too...but we’re also treated to one of his fucking douchebag confessionals where he smarmily informs us that he needs to “gauge how these girls are gonna deal with the whole rock & roll experience.” Dude?  Everyone on that bus except for Jes - and I’m not too sure about her - has fucked dudes further up the list than you.  Settle down, champ.

Anyway, they’re going to a live show.  I assume a solo show. 

- It’s at the Red Rock, whoever owns that place is fucking brilliant.  They are on like, every third reality show.  The ladies get a kick-ass suite while RockStarMan “has” to run off to soundcheck.  Yeah.  I’m sure.  John lays out the deal: everyone hangs at the show, they all come back to the room for dinner and drinks, then Bret decides who was good enough to keep.  The other three have to go.  So I predict that Heather gets to swallow some sweaty rock nuts later…

- Sturgess is all “After I get a couple vodka and energy drinks in me.” You really think that’s gonna go well?  Cause, like, I don’t.  The Whores are plotting against Brandi and Brandi is trying to plot against Heather.  Punky is gonna try not to get totally wasted.  Red Cuntya says that she and Grandma have a plan.

- So the concert is a total put-on for the reality show...obviously.  It’s a “free fan appreciation concert.” In other words, Bret had the sucker that runs his personal fan club email all the other suckers that still pay to be members and told them to come to Vegas for a free show.

- The show starts, and it sucks.  There’s a fucking surprise.  I think Bret’s “band” is made of people that couldn’t make the cut to be in Pose’in (warning: loud audio).  The song is just terrible.  It makes me think that Bret really is writing these douche-tastic poems every week.

- Aww...poor Jes.  Confessional tells us that she’s “mesmerized” by him.  Oh well.  She’s young.  She’ll grow out of it.

- Douche’s new album is called “Freedom of Sound.” I bet it took over a month to think that up.  Some rejected titles:

Holy Fuck, I Really Need CC
I’m A Little Douchebag
And Baby, Pay Attention To Me
Remember Me?  I Used To Be In Poison
Ah’Whassa’Goin’Awn
Can Someone Call Bobby?  My Bass Player Sucks.

I suppose “Freedom of Sound” was the best choice, although I’m partial to “Holy Fuck, I Really Need CC.” Then they play “Driven.” I can’t put my finger on it but the song is SUCH a ripoff of two things that are right at the tip of my tongue.  Like a rock version of “The Way You Do The Things You Do” and something else...something with a line like “I like the way that you walk” or something like that.  Anyway, it sucks.  The more I hear, the more it’s just a fucking ripoff of “The Way You Do The Things You Do” in structure and even melody.  You can actually sing “The Way You Do The Things You Do” right over the top of the song.  Fucking.  Pathetic.  Of course, we get the treat of “Every Rose.” FUCK YOU, BRET MICHAELS.  You are making me hate Poison.  You are making me hate myself.  Because I was a big fan.  Douche Michaels is going to drive me to anti-depressants.

- Heather can’t want to get backstage and lick the sweat off his nuts give him kisses.  The ladies proceed to get totally trashed before dinner. Jes: “They just started grabbing bottles and...chugging.” The band members are goading them into over-drinking.  Lacey is trying to keep up.  Oh Jesus...these cliches are drinking Jager.  Could they be bigger cliches?

Sturgess: “So I’m chugging and I’m chugging and I’m chugging, and I’m so fucking wasted.” Not real bright either...Also, Grandma is staying a bit out of it just like Jes.

- Band leaves.  Red Cuntya is on the floor.  Literally.  Commercial.

- Back, and we’re treated to even more sloppy slutdrunk ridiculousness from Red Cuntya.  Red and Sturgess are getting into some weird kind of drunkfight, and then Cuntya pours booze over Brandi’s head.  She’s as drunk as I have ever seen a person who could still talk.  It’s about to go off.  Lacey is pushing really hard, “defending” Heather against some imagined slight from Brandi.  John comes in and is yelling at Red Cuntya...it’s great.  “Lacey shut the fuck up and let’s go.” As drunk as she is, she kowtows to him like he’s her daddy.  Lacey’s being half-carried upstairs by John. Off to see Bret!

- As we go, Sturgess drop a bomb on Grandma ShowMyTits:

Brandi: “She threw you under the bus earlier.”
Heather: “Whatever.  What the fuck did you say?  Tell me right to my...”
Brandi: “You think I’m lying?”
heather: “No, tell me what the fuck she said.”
Brandi: “She was like, I don’t give a fuck what I have to do, I am going to fucking get him.  Fuck every bitch.”

Stripper Grandma ain’t happy.

- Up in the suite (I assume), and Red Cuntya is on the bar, yelling at the bartender not to give “the fake bitches nothin’.” It’s...just...a spectacle.  Bret Michaels is a douchebag, sure, but he’s not gonna put up with this shit.  Jes is about to throw down..."Get off.  The bar.” “Or what?” “You have no respect or class for Bret’s hotel room.” Punky, she has no respect or class for anything, ever.  She’s a bitch, a cunt, a prime example of a horrible person.

The fight goes on.  “Or what...or what...” She falls into the bartender as she called Heather a bitch.  And at that exact moment, Douchey walks in.

- The ladies are escorted to the dinner table.  The drunk bitches cannot shut the hell up.  Douche is trying to get control.  At the same time, Jes is trying to calm Lacey down...why I don’t know, but she;s showing some decency here.  “Lacey, stop.  You’re in Bret’s house now, stop disrespecting him.  please stop.” She’s actually trying to say it aside, under her breath...I really don’t think it’s a play for the camera or Bret.  She’s really trying to get Lacey to knock it off.

It’s easier to her wet cats in an electrified room than it is to get a drunk person to shut up.  This doesn’t work at all.

- Bret’s pissed.  He tells everyone to shut up.  Red Cuntya has some kind of break with reality.  She’s so drunk that she throws up at Jes’ feet.  Jes, against all that is smart for her on this show, fucking helps the cunt!  I’d have let her choke on her own vomit.  Or at least rubbed her face in it or something.  They take her to a bedroom.  Bret: “I can say that clearly, Lacey can’t handle this lifestyle and everything that goes with it.” Ya think?  Welcome to the real Lacey, Bret.  You dumb fuck.

You know what Lacey is?  She’s a lion cub trying to eat a whole gazelle.  Red, you ain’t good enough.  Period.

- Back at dinner, Heather is trying to get Brandi to eat oysters.  It’s literally making Sturgess want to puke.  Grandma slurps down the slimy messes like...well...to be honest I just got a little confused.

See, Brandi is a self-professed blow job queen, as well as a professional cocksucker.  I’ve never had oysters or jizz in my mouth, but you can’t tell me oysters are worse than a hot load of man yogurt.  I don’t get it.  You’d think she’d be knockin’ em back like Jello shots.

Oh my god....she pukes in her mouth behind a napkin while at the table. and a little bit spurts out the top.  Oh that was classic.  Commercial.

- Back...and Jes is taking care of Brandi now.  You know what sucks?  Heather is gonna get this shit on lockdown, and Douchebag isn’t even going to notice that it’s in Jes’ nature to help without thinking first...because he’s a shallow douchebag.

Yeah, I know, I should be more creative in how I insult him, but for fuck’s sake, what else can you say? That his depth could be measured in microns?  That he’s about as intelligent as lichen?  What would be the point?  The douche overrides it all.

- Damn...Sturgess just drunkenly professed her love for Douche.  “As I was pulling Brandi’s head out of the toilet, from her puking, she turned to me and said something that’s probably one of the most touching moments of my life...” Jesus H. Macy...what a fucking douchebag.

- “Dinner is like the Titanic.  It is unsalvagable.” He then decides - against everything I believed to be true about His Douchiness - that he should reward Punky for being caring and looking out for these bitches all night.  I’m stunned that he noticed.  Old Stripper Grandma can’t figure it why Bret would pick Punky...and I doubt anyone watching is surprised that she doesn’t get it.

Uhh...one weird thing is that Heather ate everything in sight and took everyone’s leftovers too.  I guess you gotta keep your energy up on the poles, eh?

- Back to Douche and Jes, hanging out on a balcony.  I feel so bad for this kid.  I want to climb through the TV and cast a spell of protection over her with +25 Anti-Douche.  DickBag McDoucherack is all “We got to learn each other...inside and out.” OH NO!  Did he fuck her?  Aww that’s nasty!  Poor Jes.  I hope she douches with anti-bacterial hand gel.

- The next day. The drunken ladies are out of it.  Brandi’s saying that Bret is not for her...and they cut it with her saying that she loves him from last night.  So maybe this is what will get her eliminated and not anything nasty about Bret’s true love, Stripper Dumbass Grandma Old Chick.  Grandma is all “I know he is it.  I’ve known that for awhile now.” And you deserve him, honey.  Mazeltov!

- Back at the temporary Castle Douche and it looks like Punky spent the night being the sheath to Douchebag’s Excalibur.  Fucking gross.  Her confessional confirms it.  She’s closer to him “physically” and “sexually.” Now *I* want to vomit.  He sends Punky back to LA and he’s gonna spend time with the rest of the whores.

- Here comes a poem from Douche.

Mornin’ my ragin ladies
you really tore it up last night
so today I set up something awesome
to get you feelin’ right.

Is it three plane tickets back to Chicago and the promise that you’ll never talk to them again?  Because that’s the only gift I can think of that could help them...that and a lifetime prescription for Valtrex.

- They meet Bret by the pool.  It’s a spa day.  Grandma and Bret go get hot stone rubdowns together.  Stripper ShowMyTits is laying out her “heart” (such as it is) to him, shit about merging their lives, and his reply is “We have a lot of good times ahead...and a lot of good food we haven’t eaten yet.” Wow.  He’s a comedian too?  He’s the Michael Richards of Rock & Roll...way to say something inappropriate at the wrong moment, dude.

Stripper decides not to tell Bret what Sturgess said.  “I’ll let Lacey do it.” While Sturgess is in the room with Bret, Stripper is totally feeding Red Cuntya all this shit about Brandi to fire her up to tell Douche all about everything.  Nicely played, Grandma.  Meanwhile, Bret clearly knows something is up with Brandi...I think the producers fed him the video...he’s leading her, and not being very fucking subtle about it.  She’s not saying a word about what she said to the other girls...instead she tries to flip the script and is all “I wonder if I’m good enough for you...” Horse.  Shit.  Say it...say “Bret Michaels is not the one for me,” shake his hand and go back to amateurfacials.com.

Confessional: “What I said this morning about Bret not being the one was not what I meant.” Bulllllllllll-shit, sister.  It was exactly what you meant, you just don’t want to leave this paying gig yet.

- As douche walks Sturgess out they meet Grandma and Cunty, who immediately start to call Brandi out. “Did you talk to him about what you said you were gonna talk to him about?” Brandi lies and says yes.  Bad move.  It might not backfire this week, but if Lacey can convince him that you lied...he’ll remember.  And Red is certainly gonna try.  She lays it all out for Douche, and he’s like “That’s the opposite of what she said.” Heh...somehow this results in Douche saying to her “You are a little...malicious, and I need to watch you more.” Could it be?  Could he be seeing her for what she really is?  A crazy, evil bag of talentless shit?  Commercial.

- Aaaannnnnd we’re back.  Douche is sending one back to LA and keeping two in Vegas.  He sends Red Cuntya and Stripper up to rooms and is going to send Sturgess back to LA.  Confessional from Cuntyflap McCunterson: “I’m starting to feel a little bit worried about what might be going on in Bret’s mind about me...I don’t want Bret to think that I’m crazy, because I’m not.” If you have to keep telling everyone you aren’t crazy, odds are - to quote another rock madman, you’re fucking crazy, oh child.

- Big John takes the remaining two ladies to see Douche.  Again, Snatchface Cuntbagerson is trying to convince us that she’s not crazy in her confessional.  Obsessed much? 

- Douchey meets them by the pool with a rose each.  Hey.  That’s The Bachelor’s move, dick. DOUCHEMOVE COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!

- They sit down to dinner.  He starts asking them questions.  “Why do you think we would work?” Heather gives a fairly thoughtful answer about having matching souls, etc.  Lacey’s thrilled.  Then, because he has to keep slipping in references to his fame and shit, he tells Stripper Grandma that “Every Rose” is about a stripper that broke his heart, so she makes him nervous, blah blah blah.

FUCKING HELL.  “Every Rose” is about a god-damned stripper?  is there any fucking part of being a Poison fan that this ass isn’t out to ruin for me?

Anyway, Douche then says maybe the douchiest piece of douche philosophy he’s ever uttered on this show…

“Here’s the thing with Heather.  And I call it ‘pole emotions,’ right?  And by ‘pole emotions’ I mean can I get her off of that pole and get her onto my pole. It’s a big, big thought goin’ through my mind right now.”

And it’s also a very lonely thought, you complete fucking douchebag.  I’m starting to feel bad for Heather, even though she’s half a cunt too.  She’s saying all this emotional shit, staring deep into his eyes, and he’s just trying to figure out how he can hit some strange while keeping her from doing the same.

Heather: “I know he got his heart broke from a dancer, but that was like, 20 years ago.  It’s like, get over it.”

- Red Cuntya cuts off the conversation to try to direct it toward herself.  Uh-oh!  The alliance may be crumbling.  She’s pitching for a solo date, and Heather’s like “But we have the best bond.” Which is probably true.  Red asks Bret if he sees them together.  He responds with some shit about her manipulativeness, and she goes right the hell off on a left turn about her mom dying, and here come the tears.  Jesus...it’s so blatantly manipulating right now it’s almost sad to watch...if I weren’t laughing so much.

That’s right, I’m laughing about her dead mother, and she deserves it.  The best part is Heather tried to step in and say “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it.” Instead of listening, Lacey gets a little louder and repeats herself, just in case Bret missed the first performance. 

Let me tell you, he swallows it hook, line and sinker.  “This is the kind of stuff, so we don’t fool ourselves.” What the effin eff?  She’s fah-fah-foolin your dumb ass right fucking now!  Jesus.  That’s some impressive shit right there.  Maybe her pussy sweats special Bret pheromones or something.  She gets the solo date.  He sends Heather packin’ and Heather says the alliance is over.

- Back at the temporary Douche Castle, Cunty and Douche seem to be chatting away, but not in any way that feels like a romantic connection at all.  She’s selling herself like an old salesman begging for the Glengarry leads.  Fuck you, Cunty.  Douching is for closers.

- Oh fuck.  There’s a trail of rose petals leading to the bed.  Could he be a bigger douche?  The curtain closes and we fade out to an external shot of the hotel.  You know what?  I kind of hope he fucked her in the pooper and took pictures.  I mean, I am sure he probably porked Jes too, and that makes me sad, but I kind of hope he just used Lacey’s rectum as a jizz sock without stretching it first.  I can’t think of a nicer girl to have it happen to her.

- Next day.  Same scene at the door just like with Jes.  Christ.  So slimy.  As she walks away...I swear I see a bit of an awkwardness to the walk.  Here’s to hoping she needed a tampon up the backside.

- Back to the LA house for elimination.  Commercial.

- Elimination time.  Jes isn’t worried.  Brandi is pretending like she cares.  Lacey is talking only about the other girls.  Heather is nervous.  Douche is dressed like a normal human...bandanna excluded of course.

- First pass goes to Jes.  He feels a lot closer to her now.  Like, internally.  Next is Lacey, and he claims he really likes her a lot.  What a moron.  Down to Heather and Brandi.  He’s giving Heather a speech about how they have to figure out why she’s really here.  Then he tells Brandi that her drunken “I love you” really sold him.  That’s completely backwards.  Bret Michaels is a stupid douchebag.  He’s got these two girls mixed up.  It’s Heather who actually seems to give two shits...even if it is just her ticket out of the clubs, she;s willing to totally throw herself into being his.  brandi could give a flying fuck one way or the other.

Heather just flat out starts telling Bret that Brandi lied.  I think this is the first time they’ve spoken back at him (from the little elimination stage) during eliminations...Brandi defends herself, admits to saying she didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, but still doesn’t fully admit to what she said, which was “Bret Michaels is not for me.” Douche asks Sturgess “Do you want to stay in this house, with me?” She actually says she can’t let her guard down...Brandi just threw in the towel!  Douchebag is stunned.  He’s also fucking pissed…

“Here’s what really, really fucking pisses me off...you could’ve told me this a long time ago.”

Hey, where’s John?  He’s not in the shot.  Here’s why I ask...I think Bret was about to eliminate Heather.  I think John was holding Brandi’s pass.  He has to either go get Heather’s pass or have it handed to him…

I am positive that Bret was gonna dump the girl that got his freaking name tattooed on her neck.  Let me get this straight.  He’s livid at Brandi for not telling him she wasn’t into him earlier...but he let Stripper Grandma get his name tattooed on her neck when he’s not sure he’s into her?  Maybe a “Hey, before you permanently ink my name on the back of your neck, I’m not entirely sure I want to marry a stripper” would have been fucking appropriate?  Maybe?

Selfish...just a selfish douche.  Makes what he did at the tattoo parlor even MORE douchey.  The worst part is, it’s not out of malice.  It’s because he’s so fucking self-involved that he can’t see past himself at all.

Anyway, as Brandi hugs Bret goodbye, John follows her out and slips whatever he’s carrying into his pocket as he walks up the stairs.  Because he doesn’t have Heather’s pass!

- The camera follows John following Brandi all the way to the door.  Then a cut and he’s miraculously back at Bret’s side with a pass pressed to his chest.  I’m tellin’ you, Bret was gonna eliminate Heather.  That’s *fucked* up!  Of course, it’s kind of funny too...eventually he giver Heather her pass like that was always the plan.  Too funny.  They toast, and we’re out.  Well, except for one thing:

“Bret’s Brew?” Oh my god...so corny.  Looks like some stickers over cans of MGD.  Nothin’ but the best!

- Scenes from the next: We meet the parents of the girls that are left.  Shit hits the fan and the ladies and the parents go nuts...and Bret is praying for Big John?  Heather apparently throws it down with Red in front of her dad.  Sweet!  So much drama.  So little depth!

Best...show...ever.

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First off, a glossary of the whores that are left:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M. (or BB as they call her): Sturgess.  Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)

And so we begin.

- Once again, the recap is about Lacey’s bullshit.  Think the producers love her?  Also a bit of Sam’s “sensitivity” which is actually crazy in a different form.

- We start with another winning shot of Stripper ShowMyTits looking so good in the morning.

- A note from Bret laying out the fan challenge thing. Jes: “We’re meeting some of Bret’s fans, and, I can’t help but think that they’re gonna be some...big-haired...80s girls...that look like...Heather!” (montage of heather’s big awful hair on the show.) “Eww!”

You know what’s funny about that?  Heather was Jes’ age in the 80s.  :)

- Punky tells Alterna that it’s a good thing to bring insiders in the house to talk to Lacey...then they can go back to Bret and tell him what a “fuckin’ fruit loop this chick is.” True that.  More cursing about what a cunty whore fucking trash bag bottom ho Lacey is and cut to…

- The Douchebag enters.  “Today I have the most important subjeck (sic) of all for me, and that is passion.” Subjeck?  Bret Michaels doesn’t have a speech impediment.  Unless you count his intelligence.  Which I suppose does count if we’re being technical.  Anyway, he’s bringing in three chicks he’s “known a long time” (read: fucked and actually saved their numbers) to grill the “ladies.”

- “John?  Bring down my fans.” The way he said that...pure douche.  I feel like I was slimed, Nickelodeon style, by a big bucket of douche-juice.  Which would be awesome if I were a vagina, or a salad.  But I’m not, so it makes me hate Bret Michaels.  The superfans enter.

Amy
- 10 year Poison fan. 
-Still sleeps in first t-shirt Bret threw her

Ky
- 5 year poison fan (WTF?  I have Poison MP3s that are older than that.  How the fuck are these superfans?)
- Named her cat Poison

Allison
- 4 year Poison fan
- Threw rowdy fan off tour bus

Not ONE of these chicks were fans when Poison was a charting band.  All of them are just barely attractive enough to call “average” and all of them are right in that zone where you just *know* Bret fucked them.  They’re bar whores.  These aren’t fans, these are his regular booty calls.  Sad and pathetic.

- Sturgess (in confessional): “My first impression of these girls is...bitch, bitch and bitch.” Oddly that’s mine as well.  Sam’s intimidated.  JUST LEAVE ALREADY.  And the cutting remark of the moment goes to Punky: “Could there be anymore sluts in this house?” Yeah.  Brandi C. could still be here. 

- To bring it down for a minute, one cannot see this forest of whores Douchebag Michaels has cultivated and not immediately realize that all the trees allow for easy access to their knotholes.  If you get my meaning.  What I am saying is Jes should not want anything to do with this guy, and it’s a little sad that she seems to be genuinely liking Bret.  Because, as we all know, he is a douchebag.

- Douchebag says that these superfans have been around him a long time.  Really?  4 years is a long time?  I’ve had Amazon.com boxes in my dining room for longer than that.  There is a Christmas decoration hanging over the sink in my kitchen that has been there since 2001.  Should I ask it to give be life advice?  Where on earth is a whore you fucked four years ago the go-to person for relationship advice?  Oh wait...in Doucheland, where logic and reason, and decency, are in short supply but the douche goes on and on.

Winner gets a “kickass” solo date.  Every date is “kickass.” I guess I would think that would be true if they were all comped...still I’d try to vary the adjective at least once.  You know, to lessen the douche factor.

- Lacey manages to be cocky and cunty, and is convinced she has this locked as she is “the queen of intimidation.” Go right ahead, Cunty.  Get all bold with these girls and watch how fast you don’t win the date.

- Douche retires to the Fortress of Douchitude, and the ladies are sent outside in the cold and rain while theywait to be questioned one at a time.  Sturgess is first.  The setup is some weird, cheap-ass, low-rent version of a film noir interrogation room, only they dressed the set from shit they found at Wal-Mart.  Plus, the room was lined with that shitty black room-dividing curtain stuff that anyone who has ever been backstage at any venue would recognize.  It’s as ubiquitous as those shitty black leather couches.

Ooh...scary!  If you’re in a low-budget porn.  The banker lamps add that special touch of class.  I bet they are touch-lamps.

- Sturgess is, like every stripper in the known worlds, “going to school” while she’s stripping.  Yeah.  Scratch a stripper, find a student.  meanwhile they all end up like Stripper ShowMyTits, 53 and still slingin’ cooch for doughnut money.  Who buys this shit?  Half the whores on this interrogation panel are probably stripping to “pay for school.”

Anyway, the “superfans” don’t buy her.  And in a weird double-you-tee-eff moment, one of the bootycall whores superfans leans in to another one and is all “I think her hair is smokin’.” Real aggressive interrogation technique you got there, Sipowicz.  Meanwhile Brandi ain’t sweatin’ these mouth-wipin’ whores...she’s a god-damned professional mouth-wiping whore, how can they scare her?

- Umm...they meant actually SMOKING, like on fucking fire.  Holy shit.  There’s a light above her head and it set her hair on fire.  Oh.  My.  God.  What production asshole put a hot light so close to that much Aqua-Net?  HELLO?  POISON?  Hair bands?  Anyone think about the massive amounts of Aqua-Net Pink getting used on this set?  It’s funny, but it’s also evidence of the piss-poor production of the show.

The Mouthwipers don’t like her and call her fake.  She’s the second least-fake chick on this show...Donna says the Mouthwipers are threatened.  I agree.  They need to tear her down because she;s just the kind of person Douche might pick...and then they won’t be getting that booty call and a couple hundred for the cab ride home.

Sturgess’ final words on the matter, in confessional: “Fuck.  You.  Bitches.”

- Alternachick is next.  They ask her if Bret has feelings for her, and when she takes the bait they start fucking with her.  To Sam’s credit she opened up and told them about her fears about ebing in the house.  So how do The Mouthwipers respond?  By asking her to fake an orgasm...because you “can’t disappoint the rock star in bed.” What the fuck?  Bret’s the kind of douchey, pathetic fuck that needs a woman to fake an orgasm?  yeah...not surprised.  I saw his sex tape.  Fucker never stops looking at himself long enough to even try to make a woman cum.  Douchebag.

Sam says no.  She actually adamantly refused.  Good for her.  They go hard after her emotional instability...and it works.  Because she’s half crazy and people can smell it on her.  Commercial.

- Back and we wrap up with Alterna.  She loses her shit when she joins Sturgess on the couch.  “I hate girls.  They’re all just evil bitches.” Preachin’ to the choir, sister.  I mean, not all women are evil bitches to each other...just almost fucking every one.  You can find exceptions.  Or so I’ve been told.

- Punky is next.  She knows nothing about Poison.  Is that a good or a bad thing?  On the one hand, she’s not here because she’s a big fan of the band and after the (limited) fame factor.  On the other hand, is that the only thing that made her sign up for this?  Who fucking knows.

Donna: Not only can i name the drummer in Poison, I can name at least one of the venereal diseases he has.” Holy fuck.  :)

They keep grilling Jes.  She admits to getting collagen lips, and the Mouthwiper in red says “I’m just gonna assume those are your real boobs.” Jes, in confessional: “Uhh, yeah ya stupid bitch, I wouldn’t buy boobs and get ‘em this fuckin’ small!” Classic.  “Are you a good kisser?” “Yes.” “Wanna pick one of us and show us?” Punky is NOT into doing this, but like any good attention whore, she’s willing to fake some light lesbianism to get attention...disappointing, ultimately.  It;d be better if she was, you know, into it.  Faking it on any level sucks a big one.  Mouthwiper Ky gets kissed and tells the other two that Jes is “into lip biting.” Ky seemed to enjoy it, so I guess good job Jes?

She starts dropping the bombs about Lacey, but as fast as that starts, it’s over and in walks the monument to stripping grandmothers everywhere, Heather.

- They grill Stripper about her goals, looking for a way out, etc.  Confessional: “So uncomfortable.  Why are we all being judged here?” Because you;re on a TV reality show?  One that is designed so that you can be judged and deemed worthy to date America’s premiere 80s doucherocker?  What the fuck did you think you were here for, knitting lessons?  Not just an aging stripper folks, but a rocket scientist as well.  Give it up for Heather!

“Do you care if any of us slept with Bret?” Gee, ya think?  Heather schmoozes her way into their good graces...they know she’s just another booty call.  By the way, the desperate bitch is all “I’m gonna get Bret tattooed on the back of my neck.” So that answers that question.  She leaves.

- Cunty McCuntfuck’s turn.  The Mouthwipers ask her to sing one of Bret’s songs, as she’s a musician you know.  She sings a terrible version of “Every Rose.” They laugh and Cunty’s confessional is all “You can’t break me.” Yeah...they can.  They ask her about her anger issues, and she says she doesn’t have any and that the other girls must have been talking shit.  Then in her confessional, she’s angrily declaring that “It kinda pisses me off.” I’m sure the cunty re-knob doesn’t even see the irony.

“I honestly don’t consider myself crazy and volatile.” “This really is starting to get to me now, everyone keeps saying that I’m crazy and I’m the opposite of that.”

Look.  When one person says something, blow it off.  When two or three people say a thing, it could easily be a plot by them.  When EVERY FUCKING PERSON WHO MEETS YOU SAYS YOU’RE CRAZY...BITCH, YOU IS CRAZY.  Take more of whatever meds you are on...because you are fucking looney tunes.

The Mouthwipers don’t believe a word of her.

- All finished and everyone meets in the living room for drinks and nibbles and Sam walks away.  Now...this is not remarkable, but it gives us a look at something that is spectacularly douche-tastic: There is one of Bret’s motorcycles parked in the fucking living room.

Let that soak in.  Then, as always, remember that Bret Michaels is a douchebag.  Also, Lacey is kissing Mouthwiper ass.

- The girls are all chatting, and Douchebag walks in.  This motherfucker said that “whassa goin awn” thing again. It;s worse than just saying it, though.  Here’s the conversation:

“They broke Sam.”
“Whassa” (interrupted)
“Yeah they broke her!” (laughter)
(Douchebag waits for an opening, then repeats his “line” “Whassa goin’ awn?” He fucking waited for a moment to drop it, because this guy really thinks it makes him sound cool.  I think he has “cool” and “reminiscent of Summer’s Eve” mixed up.  I swear to fucking God I hate him so much.  If given a choice between a painful beating or a video called “Three Hours of The Wisdom of Bret Michaels,” and the beating was going to be administered by Chuck Liddell, I think I’d have to flip a coin.

Anyway, Jes goes after her, and finds her in the bathroom talking about leaving.  She’s totally flipped out over the interrogation.  “I don’t deserve to be interrogated.” Uhh...crazy girl?  THAT’S THE POINT OF THE SHOW.  Punky is saying that she cares about Sam as a person, etc, but her confessional tells the truth.  she wants to keep her there so she has someone to talk to!  “Who the hell’m I gonna talk to?  Lacey?” Exactly.  Still...Sam should just go home.  Commercial

- Back, and we’re knee-deep in Alternachick’s internal turmoil, also known as “Crazy emotional psycho bitch.” Nice girl and all but she ain’t balanced.

- So Douche grabs The Mouthwipers and they go to discuss the whores.  Whore number one is BB.  We’re treated to her “Rock of Love VIP pass photo.  I think the only way to explain it is to show you:

Oh Come on!  How am I not supposed to make any “facials” jokes?  For fuck’s sake...it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  Or jizz at Brandi M’s mouth, apparently.

They said that all Sturgess’ answers were “what we wanted to hear.” Bret of course has only this to offer: “She has a cute body, we love the body.” Deep, like a pane of glass, and just as transparent.  Hey, is there another way to say Bret Michaels is a douchebag?  Maybe in another language?  In French, it’s pretty basic: Bret Michaels est un douchebag.  In Greek it’s a little more interesting...Το Bret Michaels είναι ένα douchebag. In the end, though, I feel like it’s the German that has a ring of classicism to it: Bret Michaels ist ein douchebag.  Except this time ich bin NOT ein...it’s just Bret.

- On to Jes.  Her pass:

Actually not a bad photo.  So The Mouthwipers say she can “totally jump on a tour bus.  She;s golden.” What the frig does that even mean?

- Heather’s turn, and her pass:

Blonde Mouthwiper says she thinks that Stripper Grandma is “probably the greatest person here.” Fucking.  Hell.  It takes a mouthwiping whorebag to truly appreciate another mouthwiping whorebag, and we see that in action here.  Human jizz mops of the world, unite!  Middle Mouthwiper thinks that Stripper Grandma won’t be cool with Bret being “on the road and doing your thing.” One, that’s insane and totally ass backwards.  Heather wouldn’t care if Bret Michaels tried to fuck the entire Swedish Bikini Team.  Or in his case, the Cedar Falls Over 40 Trailer Park Bikini Team.  Secondly, when did a rock star being unfaithful and a total piece of shit while on tour get boiled down to “doing your thing?” Say it, whorebucket.  You think that Stripper Grandma Tits couldn’t handle Bret fucking around behind her back all the time.  Just say what you mean.

- Sam is next, and so is her pass photo:

Blonde Mouthwiper loves Alterna.  “I would be her best friend ‘til there’s no tomorrow.” She thinks that Sam has it.  Bret wants The Mouthwipers to try to talk Sam into staying.  So obviously the producers are feeding Bret with the fact that she;s five seconds from leaving again.

- As usual, they save Lacey for last.  It’s like they want us to realize the producers fucking love this evil whore.  Her pass:

It’s too bad she’s such a bitch.  She’s kind do-able, except the sight of her makes me want to grab a gun to protect myself and makes my balls shrink up like cold ocean water.  The Mouthwipers, with not one iota or millisecond of hesitation all say, virtually in unison, “No.” “No.” “No, She’s very wrong for you.” They can smell the mental illness a mile away.  See, the thing is, to be an A-list Mouthwiper you have to be a bit of a drama queen, but only enough to keep his interest...sort of like Sam, only a little bit less unstable (but not much).  You have to let the Big Bad Rocker want to care for you, not make him worry that you are going to cut his nuts off while he sleeps.  Lacey is a crazyevilcuntbitch, and everyone knows it.  Except Bret.  “I just dig her personality.” Wow.  They must pay well on this show.  Or he’s a total tool.  We’re done.

Douchebag walk into the living room and declares his name for when it’s just four: Fearsome Foursome.  Douche.  Bag.  They’re looking for Alterna.  She’s packing.  They’re talking about who will win, it came down to Jes and Heather.

- Winner of the superfan challenge - Heather.  I guess she gets that tattoo tonight.  “Even Bret’s fans can see that I’m the best woman for him.” Yeah...you are.  Kinda homely, a little older, no other band guys on the big hair metal summer tour will pay much attention or try to get you in bed, plus you’re dumb, with low self-esteem.  You’re fucking perfect for Douche Michaels!

- Douche is excited that they picked Heather...and “I know exactly where we’re going.” of course you do, the producers comped a location already and have cameras waiting for you.  You fucking dickweed.  They leave, and the old booty-call whores superfans stay back to mix with the new booty call whores contestants and try to dig up some info.

- The date: off to get tattoos.  And Douche is all “It’s gotta be olde e.” As in Olde English lettering.  He’s totally going to talk this whore into getting a fucking cholo tat the back of her neck.  Sorry Pod and all the other old Nine Inch Nails crew, but cholo tats are fucking ridiculous.  On anyone, but especially on white people who aren’t in a Hispanic gang.

- Back at the house and the ladies are sitting around talking, drinking and basically being chatty, when Blonde Mouthwiper takes Red Cuntya into the house.  Punky sees this as her chance to exact some revenge...the talk turns to what a royal bitch Lacey is.  She’s laying it down for Ky, who has a fairly impressive rack, BTW...which is probably her only selling point.  As she’s telling this crap to Ky, Red Cuntya comes back. Ky: “She’s coming.” Jes: “See, she ruins every moment!” Ky: “I know!  Seriously!” Damn, The Mouthwipers have been there for an afternoon and they already get it.  Confessional: “You know, I really like Bret’s fans.  They’re a lot of fun, and...they hate Lacey!”

- Blonde Mouthwiper is really after Lacey and keeps nailing her on her lack of caring about Bret...they see she;s playing this as a game and only cares about winning.  Red Cuntya is scared...she feels like she’s “had control of the house” but is losing it now.  GOOD.  Now if you could just contract a painful disease or get hit by a meteor we could all feel like there was justice in the world.  A freak accident, captured on film, that kills this bitch could be the thing that unites this country again.  Right and left, black and white, rich and poor, Republican and Democrat, we could all sit around a giant fire holding hands and singing ‘Ding dong, the cunt is dead” And afterwards roast her corpse on the fire and feed it to some homeless cats or something

Cut to the next shot, two of the old booty-call whores mouthwiping jizzrags sorry, superfans, and Ky is all “I just have to escape from Lacey.” Welcome to our hell, Ky.  It’s like being John Connor.  Lacey is a Cuntinator that will never stop until you’re all dead.  The other one is all “She’s just feeding us lines.”

- Now they’re going to go after Sam and try to convince her to stay.  “All the girls come into my room.  All of them. Even the three bitches.” What she doesn’t know is these three bitches are so on her side it’s ridiculous.  Her unstable emotional crazy is about to get in the way of her life again.

- Everyone talks her into staying and Lacey is all “I decide to go along with it, it’s only gonna make me look better in front of the fans.” Too late, Cuntya.  Everyone has your number.

The Mouthwipers tell the girls that they have it narrowed down to two that they think are wrong for Bret - Lacey and Brandi.  Red Cuntya The PETA Warrior looks like someone just forced a frozen beef dildo up her ass, and Sturgess could not give a rat’s ass what these bitches think.  The girls and the fans head downstairs.

- Cut to the date.  Douche and Grandma are at True Tattoos.  If you’re a sad, pathetic old stripper who wants some unscrupulous tattoo artist who won’t try to talk you out of permanently inking some fucking guy’s name onto your neck because a reality show paid him, it’s at 165 S Crescent Heights Boulevard in Los Angeles.  Ask for Albert Sgambatti.  He’s done all the greats.  Bret Michaels, Marilyn Manson...Mickey Rourke.  Do any of them have any good tattoos?

“If Heather actually goes through with this, it’ll impress the shit outta me.  I mean, this is a tattoo for life.” Which is EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDN’T BE GOADING HER INTO DOING IT, DOUCHEBAG.

She’s doing it.  Says a lot about Bret.  Commercial.

- Back.  Still at the tattoo parlor.  They did it.  The whole time Douchebag is espousing the closeness of the moment and the eroticism of getting inked.  The thing is, this is not a girlfriend or a partner.  It;s one of five whores vying for the “right” to regularly suck his dick, and he just essentially goaded this half-drunk bitch into getting his name tattooed on her neck!  His fucking name!  Jesus.  If nothing else on this show has ever been evidence that he’s not a good guy, but rather just a selfish, egotistic misogynist, this should seal it for anyone, even his most die-hard fans.  Sorry Donna and Danielle, but Bret Michaels is not a good person.  He’s a 100% selfish prick.  And, of course, a douchebag.

Bret’s so fucking into it.  And she’s thrilled.  It’s like Dumb and Dumber personified.  She’s completely and totally got this thing won though, so good for her I suppose.  Lastly: nice neck zit, Grandma.

- Back at the house. The Mouthwipers are grilling Sturgess and Red Cuntya.  “Tell me why you should stay.” Brandi: “Deep down my heart is involved and I feel that hers (meaning Lacey) isn’t a 100%.” Completely true.  Red replies with “I really really care about Bret.” No one is buying what you’re selling, Cuntinator.

- Jump upstairs and Punky is still trying to sell Alterna on staying.  They’re both saying they’re afraid of getting hurt.  Jesus.  That’s all that is going to happen to you both, as you both actually seem like this matters to you.  RUN.  AWAY.  Old Granma Stripwhore has this shit on lockdown, girls.  Plus, there’s the stable of mouthwipers that you just met.  You really want to be in fourth place on his “pussy on tap” list?  RUN AWAY.  Anyway, Sam is staying again.  They go downstairs, and Lacey is trying to sell The Mouthwipers on her “warmth and compassion.” Yeah...for nameless, faceless hordes of animals that you never have to deal with maybe, but you’re a cold-hearted, manipulative cuntbag toward, you know, every human in the free world.

Blonde Mouthwiper - “Tell me something heartfelt.” Confessional: “I’m fighting for my life here.” No you’re not, you’re trying to win a gameshow, you dumb bitch.  Stop acting like you’re being asked to clear houses in Haditha.

Anyway, she starts to cry.  It’s such a fucking act.  Jes is all over it in a confessional, doing a huge parody of Lacey pawing at her face while faking the tears.  Classic.  Interrogation number two is over.  Superfans are off to the Fortress of Douchitude to debate the fate of some unlucky (depending on your perspective) contestant.

- Back to the date: More of the same.  Douche is prattling on about how his name on her neck makes him feel.  So self-involved!  So Grandma shows it to the girls.  Punky flips a switch.

“What kind...of a dumb bitch...gets a guy’s name tattooed on her neck...for her first tattoo...and she not even technically dating him.  This bitch has lost her fucking mind!” Next thing we hear is from Heather: “I’m in love with the guy.” Holy crap.  Older strippers with debt and babies and shit will say and do anything to get out of the cubs won’t they?

- Douche meets with Superwhores.  He’s down on Brandi and Sam, but the Superfans are saying get rid of Lacey.  In a confessional Douche is acting like it;s a burden, like “How could they say this.”

You know what?  I saw “Letters From Death Row.” He’s not that good an actor.  In fact he’s a fucking terrible actor.  I’ve seen painted backdrops that told better stories.  So I’m now starting to think that this stupid fucker actually does like Lacey.  Maybe she’s not just a trick of production, maybe this dumb fucker prefers her to an emotionally crazy-but-devoted sweetheart or a fun, doesn’t-give-a-fuck blow job queen that is proud of it.

I think you know what is coming next.  His name, plus a certain product used to dispense a freshening cleanser into the vaginal area.  Some assembly required.  He’s off to “consider my fan’s advice” and “consult my own feelings.” Jesus H. Douchebag.  Commercial.

- Back, and this is it, the final stretch.  Elimination time.  Jes is confident.  Sam says she doesn’t want to be here but she does want to be with him.  Lacey;s all pissed that the other girls have won.  It;s never about him, just about her winning.

- Bret looks like a normal fucking dude for once.  Well, except for the ever-present bandanna.  Just a black jacket and jeans instead of some special “Look, I saved all my old clothes from the 1987 tour” outfit.

- He prefaces it by saying he doesn’t to hurt anyone.  He also stresses that the superfans helped but ultimately the decision is his.  I think he’s trying to prepare Sam for going home with that kind of talk.

- Heather gets the first pass.  What. A. Surprise.  He talks about his name again.  Jes thinks that Heather will regret that tat.  No she won’t.  It’s her ticket out of the clubs and out of Vegas.  Speaking of Jes, she gets the next pass.  Brandi gets the next one.  She turned the superfans around, apparently.  Once again, it’s down to Sam and Lacey.  Douche calls Lacey down.  Told ya.  He even fucking apologized to her for “what she went through today.” Damn.  He sent Sam home.  Guess our source got it wrong...and so did Bret.

He’s giving her the “it’s for your own good” speech.  She’s going like a champ though, she makes out with him in front of all the remaining whores and they’re all “OH!  YOU BITCH!” I gotta give it to her.  If you’re gonna go, that’s one way to do it.  Heather is shooting daggers at the back of her head.  Lacey started crying back when she got her pass but they cut it in here like she gives a fuck who Douche is kissing.

Brandi: “I’m seeing Lacey bawling like a little fucking baby and I’m just thinking Bravo, where’s her fucking oscar?” I get that.  Only I think these tears are half real - she’s crying with relief that none of you beat her yet.  This is all she has.  She can’t lose to you bitches.  She needs this to feel...anything, I guess.  If she wasn’t such a horrible example of everything that can go wrong with a bitch, competitive woman she’d almost be something you could pity.  Instead, she’s something I’d like to see get flattened by a steamroller Bugs Bunny style.  SPLAT!

- Next week: they go to Vegas and one of Douchey’s shows.  Whereupon Lacey gets ripped and crawls across a bar - breaking glass all over the place - Heather and Bret get closer, Brandi gets shitfaced and says “Bret Michaels is not the one for me” and something goes down at elimination

I spent my high school career,
spit on and shoved to agree,
so I can watch all my heroes
sell a car on TV.
Bring out the old guillotine,
we’ll show ‘em what we all mean.

This show makes me think of that lyric from My Chemical Romance’s “Disenchanted.” Other generations have complained about how their musical heroes eventually sell out and sell cars, Microsoft software, whatever.  Well...I’m not young exactly, but I’m too young to really care about most of the sellout classic rockers...but metal is my shit.  Bret Michaels was one of mine.  Every time people my age laughed it off when someone older than us bemoaned David Bowie or the Stones or Lou Reed selling another song to someone?  We’re them and they’re us.

See you next week for more drunken whores...more sarcastic sniping at douche philosophy and more Bret Michaels.

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First off, a glossary of the whores that are left:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word "Douche."
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja, Red Cuntya
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess. Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)

- Previously on Rock Of Love: the recap is about the dramz around Red Cuntya, the psychotic cunt-faced whorebag.

- Jesus, every week that intro just astounds me with the many layers of douche and stupid.

- WOW. Another shot of the "ladies" waking up. Stripper ShowMyTits looks every day of fifty-three years old. Oh, for a high-def TV I could photograph to show you! God that woman could strip the paint off a taxi with her morning face.

- "Mia's still kind of in the background." Good. Just cut her, she's nowhere near a stupid enough whore for you. Also, Douchebag has some "important work" in the studio for the next few days. Important? That would imply that three monkeys throwing crap at a plugged-in Les Paul couldn't replicate your tracks, buddy. And that bears banging randomly on keyboards couldn't write lyrics that would blow your shit out of the water for pennies a day. Hell, I could outsource this whole thing to a blind, deaf and dumb halfway house full of syphilitic Balinese lepers and the final project would go gold faster than whatever pile of elephant shit you're going to release. Important? Being the president of the hair club for men doesn't make you important, Bret. It makes you a douchebag.

- A note. I have to share.

What's goin' on my Sexy Six
Sorry I can't be there to love on you chicks
Better get ready cause today anything goes
It's time to rock the camera and strike a pose.

I really hope an intern is writing these.

- Off to a photo studio, and an "old friend of Bret's" named Evo Lopez. Red Cuntya somehow thinks being a shitty musician means she knows all about album covers. The rules are, two teams. Team one, Jes, Sam, Lacey, Team two Heather, Mia and Brandi M. One person gets to be creative director for the team and the other two are models. The creative person gets a solo date, models get a double date.

- It shakes out that Punky and Meadow Soprano end up as directors. Fucking HELL...Sturgess and Aging BarWhore Stripper Grandma are modeling for their team? Jesus ever-loving Christ on a cracker. Do they have spare cameras? Stripper ShowMyTits is essentially acting as director anyway. And wants to trash it all the fuck up. Because she is trash. So no surprise there.

- Meanwhile, back on the Punky/Cunty/Emotional Wreck front, Lacey is chock full of shitty ideas, even though she isn't the director. Jes: "Lacey's trying to tell us what to do and...it's just...it's not really working, her ideas are...crackhead ideas." Hey maybe that;s it. Cuntya is a crackhead! That sure would explain some things.

- "Heather was supposed to be...a sexy woman...and I think that she looked a little more...drag queenish." Oh FUCK yes, Mia shoots and scores. Heather looks for all the world like a middle-aged queen on the wrong end of a week-long Navy shore leave. Donna: "Of course Bret'll be into that." True, true. His bad taste in women is becoming legendary. And he's a douchebag. Then Sturgess decides to dress like a man. I couldn't tell the difference. The idea now is that Stripper ShowMyTits is posing on the hood of this muscle car and Sturgess, dressed as a man, is...uhh...helping? Watching? Masturbating? It's stupid.

- The other team is doing a good/evil, heaven/hell thing. They're arguing about bad cliches and end up with "Love dances with the devil." Fucking hell that's a cliche. Sam is laying on the bed and Lacey is "dominating" her. As they start to shoot, Lacey tries taking over and every idea she has is so fucking lame. God she's perfect for Bret except for the PETA thing! She's stupid, shallow, thinks she's talented and ultimately is about as substantial as spun sugar. If sugar tasted like battery acid that is. Because I don't mean to imply she's sweet. I bet her snatch tastes like putrid balsamic vinegar mixed with Korean fish sauce. It's too bad she's such an unbelievable cunt too, because she's got great rock hair and a fairly hot body. Except I want to punch her in the stomach instead of jizz on it. So there's that.

- So Lacey tells the camera that she's going to tell Bret that the whole thing was her idea. She says it like we weren't watching Sam come up with the idea, and Jes come up with the name, and Jes pick the final image, and his "old friend" the photographer whisper to Jes that Lacey was a total bitch and should be kicked squarely in the babymaker. OK, what he really said to Punky was "God bless you with that one." What we all know he meant was "If I was a woman, I'd be in jail for killing that fucking bitch by stabbing her face eleven times with a broken shard of one of my camera lenses."

I realize I have hostilities toward Lacey, but seriously, she deserves them. Jes' reply to him was "I bite my tongue every day of my life with her." See, there;s your problem right there. You should be biting her tongue. And half her face.

- The other team is being dominated by Heather. "Sex sells, dammit, plus Bret will love it." yeah, he probably will. I will say this, Sturgess is being kind of funny through the whole thing. "We're gonna win. Even mah bawlz're tellin' me." "It felt alright. My balls itched a little during it..." OK, she said two semi-amusing ball jokes. I;m trying to find something nice to say OK? God. I can't hate them all every minute of the day.

Wait, what am I saying? Of course I can. Except Jes. We like her. Anyway, down to photo selection. They argue constantly and are down to the final 45 seconds without a decision. Teamwork is awesome! Commercial.

- Back, and we're still picking an image. Heather ultimately decides, of course. Back to the house. Lacey's trying to plot to get the solo date with Bret, as she somehow has decided in her crazy crackhead mind that she really did do everything. Huh. I think she actually believes it, as she's whispering to her fellow cunt and confessor, Heather. Punky and Sturgess are chatting and Sturgess is all "Why did you Back down to her?" Good question. Red Cuntya is a bully bitch. Face her down and she folds.

- Package at the door - proofs of the cover, with criticisms from Evo. Lacey is trying to take the presentation (to Douchebag) away from Jes and Jes is all "No." "She's just a conniving bitch." Alterna and Punky are insanely frustrated and would like to shoot Red Cuntya. So do it already! First reality TV murder! Think of the ratings.

- The other team - Evo is asking what the hell the picture is about, and that Sturgess dressed up as a gray-haired wrench jockey seems to be saying that they're calling Bret old. Umm...first of all what? Secondly Bret is old. An old douchebag. They;re trying to work out an explanation for the shitty photo, and it's going nowhere. I have an idea: The old grey-haired guy represents Bret Michael's relevancy to the music world; the muscle car represents his former glory, like Detroit used to be a great city. The "hot blonde" represents old stripper whores who are way past their prime, named heather.

I know, that last one isn't too symbolic. Look at what I'm working with, people.

- On the patio, the ladies are chatting with Lacey about what a cuntrag whore bitch fucking evil cunt she is. She;s freely admitting to her ... everything i just said with a "-ness" added to the end. Sturgess asks her if she thinks Bret would appreciate her treating this all as a game. Of course he would? He's a flipping retard! He's as shallow and easily manipulated as any other fame-starved attention whore on the planet. Pretend to care about his needs for eight seconds and he'd probably buy you a fucking car at this point he's so desperate to feel like he matters.

Anyway, Jes tried to tell Lacey in somewhat polite terms that she is a cunt. Lacey also claimed to "pick the picture." Uhh...Jes picked it. We just saw it. Red Cuntya really is delusional. Commercial.

- Back, and Punky told Alterna what Lacey said...and Alterna gets right up in her grill and calls her an idiot. Right to her face.

- YAY! Douchebag is back. It's like a cloud of sunchine. if sunshine were made of noxious ass-gas. So we watched the whole unveiling of the album cover photo shoot things, but mere words cannot do this justice. Through the magic of pointing my ancient Canon digital camera at my TV, I bring you: the album covers.



I wish I had something nice I could say about that. Mia stammered her face off. The concept when you feel that things in your life can't be fixed and you've hit an all-time low." Donna: "They certainly captured Bret's career!" Doh. Eventually, Bret was forced to say that the colors "pop." That's the nicest thing he could think of to say. In a confessional he says "We got hot Heather and hot Brandi, why aren't they straddling the hood of the car?" Because they're not hot, your eyesight is going faster than your hairline and this whole thing is an exercise in how low an aging rocker and a bunch of whores will go for a paycheck?

I mean, off the top of my head. I mean if you forced me to answer.

And just to keep you informed, here's the other team:



This is so up Bret's alley. It's trashy cliche. It's *somewhat" semi-attractive chicks in a trite, hackneyed pose, with a seventh-grade "bad girl" poetry title. Of course he's going to LOVE this. Evo is all about the fact that this is a cliche. Ya think? Jes explain that the contrast is that Cunty McWhorebucket's eyes are "evil-ish" and AlternaCrazyBitch's eyes are "dreamy." To which Cunty McSociopath says in a confessional: "Jes called my eyes "evil-ish" I think Jes sees me as evil, maybe she's intimidated by that." Or she just like...met you. And can see. And hear. Helen Keller would know you;re an evil cunt from across the street, ya worn out bag.

Bret warned them that a cover like that will never see a store in the Bible Belt. He picked it anyway. Duh. Lacey and Sam get a double, and Jes gets to solo date. CUT TO: Red Cuntya bitching up a storm that Punky gets it. Oh go fuck yourself already. Die in three fires.

- Once more, Red Cuntya heads to the Fortress of Douchitude and once more, Bret "I'm so fucking stupid anyone with a vagina can gossip me into a decision" will swallow her load. She tells him she was responsible for everything, even though it's a lie.

- Red Cuntya heads outside to the patio and Jes calls her out in front of everyone - "You in there talking about how you think you did everything?" Red Cuntya stammers and lies and eventually gets so flustered she gets up and walks away. Classic. Stupid bitch. Jes decides to go to Douchebag herself. FINALLY. Look, if you are serious about this - and god help you if you are - you need to start handling this bitch, Punky.

- It went nowhere. She told Bret that Lacey was two-faced, manipulative and a liar. Bret's reply was "There's just something about her." Either he's as dumb as I think he is, or they are paying him a lot of cash to look like a complete tool to the eleven people that watch this shit-tastic show. The only reason to keep Lacey at this point is her flair for creating drama and bullshit.

- Double date - Rock, paper, scissors for the front seat of the fairly hot convertible Bentley, and Alterna wins.

- Cut to the house and OH MY GOD HEATHER IS TOPLESS AGAIN. What the fuck, doesn't this bitch every wear a shirt for fuck's sake? NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THEM, YOU ARE OLD AND UGLY AND A CARRIER FOR DISEASES THE CDC HAVEN'T EVEN CATALOGED YET! She's talking to Sturgess. They're pissed about Mia fucking their shit up. Cumface's big plan is to take "sexy photos of us, to counteract the album." She should be used to that. Hey, you know what makes literally the PERFECT replica for semen? Sprint Aquatics Swim & Sport conditioner. I swear to God, add the tiniest bit of any white conditioner to it and you have the perfect jizz simulator. I say spread it all over Brandi's face and take all sorts of photos! It'll be awesome, and she's so good at it!

- On the date: they went to a place called "Neptune's Net" It looks like a pretty low-end joint. He asks the two of them if Jes did a good job. Sam says yes, Red Cuntya runs Jes down. Douchebag, in a confessional, pretends like it concerns him that Lacey is always "throwing the other girls under the bus." Like he gives a shit? This means nothing to him. Run, Sam, RUN! Run away!

Donna: "You know what's wrong with her? She's just not material for a rock star's girlfriend, she doesn't have the discretion for it. She's not even good enough to be a mouth wiper. She's the kind of mouth wiper that would immediately run to Metal Sludge and tell all his business there." 100% spot-on accurate. By the way, if you can't figure out what a mouth wiper is...think what a girl coming off the tour bus would have to do after, you know, taking it in the face.

That's right. She'd have to wipe her mouth. The problem with Lacey is, she's so fucking keen to talk shit about everyone, she'd forget to wipe her mouth and start talking so fast that cum would dribble down her chin and stain her PETA shirt. If she wasn't already using it as a cuntrag to soak up the roadie jizz she had to take in order to even get to the rock star, that is.

- Lacey gets up to go pee. Sam drop the hammer on Lacey. Don't waste your time, sweetie. He doesn't care. Then we get that scene from last week's preview...here's what I wrote, so I don't have to re-type it: Sam, talking to Bret alone: "The side that she doesn't show you is this manipulative (edit) malicious (side) (edit) can you really trust that?" Bret: "I...I dunno" Sam interrupts - "Look at me. Can you trust...can you trust that" "No." "Then what are you doing?" Bret has no reply. Commercial.

- Back, and Douchebag goes directly from the Crabshack to his date with Jes. He's taking her on the Hollywood taxi. It was only a matter of time until we saw it again. "Look at me, I'm so cool! Remember when you all used to see this bike on MTV? I used to be famous! Hold me! Love me! Fuck me!" They take off, and Punky is talking about Bret's hair blowing in her face. I think she meant his wig. I'll let it slide.

- Back at the house, and Sturgess and Stripper ShowMyTits are taking "sexy pictures." I guess. I mean, I find the two of them about as sexy as the thought of Tony Soprano spread-eagled on a buffet table, winking at me and holding a rose in his teeth.

I have very detailed fantasies nightmares.

Mia offers to take the photos and the ladies, such as they are, decline, so Meadow knows that something is up. What a master detective she is! I'm so proud.

- Back to the date. He took her to a private beach. Why are all Bret's dates free, or comped like that hockey thing? Doesn't this guy every spend any money for his woman?

- House: Lacey is all pissed that the two strippers are taking semi-pornographic pictures. Wait, I thought Heather was Cunty McCuntCunt's BFF? See how fast the worm turns? heather is now a stripper whore who can't be trusted.

Hey whorebag, remember last week, when you asked why the girls all felt you were "not sincere?" It's because, and I know this is crazy - you're not sincere, Cunty.

- On the date, Jes and Bret are hitting it off. Dammit. I feel so bad for her. I'm so disappointed in her for liking this douchebag. And this is why. This is Bret, talking about the date in a confessional: "I was having an awesome time with Jes, we got there on the beach, it was beautiful, it was sunset, it was romantic...we got to suck face, which is always a good thing." Total douche. He's thinking "suck face" and she's thinking romance.

- Back to the house and douchebag finds the photos. First fuck thing out of his douche fuck mouth: "AH-Whassa goin' awnn!" I fucking hate you, Bret Michaels. You have forever ruined the music of Poison and I hate you for being such a god-damned, unmitigated douchebag. You're a tool, and I hate you. You hear me, Rock Star? I hate you. because you are a douchebag.

Anyway, he liked the pictures and then Mia walks up. Douche is all "I'm running late" as he's made dinner for the "Sexy Six." He keeps calling them that. like it's fucking cool. Like anyone with an ounce of self respect wouldn't sooner die than be filmed saying that over and over and over. Not our Douchebag, though. He's like herpes, which I'm sure he knows is the gift that keeps on givin'. Then, as he does a confessional talking about sitting down for some "chow," he does this little douchey hand gesture like he's slurping soup and it makes me want to alternately kill myself for watching and kill him for...everything.

- Dinner. Douchebag pops a champagne cork, and literally eyechecks the camera, like "Did I look cool doing that? Did I look young and rockin'?" DOUCHEBAG. Lacey lectures about PETA shit. Sturgess rolls her eyes about forty-six times then just gets up and leaves. Bret follows her into the otehr room. Sturgess is pretty upset about Lacey and tells Bret. Douche claims that he is seeing that Lacey's hated by all, and begs Sturgess to calm down and wait for elimination. Why? So we can all watch you not eliminate the drama cunt again?

- Big John walks in and says it's time for elimination, no one-on-one convos. Say goodbye to Mia, everyone. Commercial.

- We're back, and it's time for eliminations. Everyone's hoping that Douchebag sees Red Cuntya for what she is. Good luck with that. Douchey is wearing a straw cowboy hat that is painted black and all patchy and faded, and a snakeskin pleather blazer.

- Jes gets a pass, and Red Cuntya complains in her confessional "It's just not fair." Heather stays. Sam stays. Brandi stays. Mia and Lacey are left. Lacey gets to stay. What a big, big surprise.

OK, wait a holy fucking minute here. I have to transcribe this for you. Douchebag says the following to Lacey as he gives her a pass:

"I just want to say this to you. You're crazy, and as we have talk about...our mediocracy today...and how much I despise mediocracy because I don't really relate to it...and being creative artists we both understand that...I just want you to realize that in my heart, that I feel that i have a connection to you and the fact that you are crazy for me umm, lets me know where you stand."

DOUCHE. BAG. By the way, Mr. Aging Rock Star, the word you're trying to say defines part of your artistic life is mediocriTy. With a "T." Mee-dee-ock-rih-TEE. You stupid fuck.

In post, Mia is sad not really because she lost Bret, but that she lost to the cunt. hey, I done told you bitches, suck up to the has-been's ego and he'll give you anything you want. Bret thinks Lacey fights for her man and he digs her. Moron. He toasts the "Fab Five." God he's a douchebag.

Next time: Superfans come to the house to find out who is phoney. OK...this should be interesting, one of the girls asks if Jes is a good kisser, so Jes makes out with her. Last shot - someone got a Bret tattoo on their neck. Along with a big pimple.

Also next week, Sam loses her shit, so maybe this is the week she leaves. I'd say I can't wait, but I can. I wish this show only aired every 7 years, like the Vulcan need for sex. Then at least I could try to temper it with thoughts of T'Pol in heat from the pon farr.

Less

More

The glossary, with all the remaining love warriors:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word "Douche."
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess. NEW ADDITION - Variations on anything to do with amateur porn and cumming on the face. Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis. Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.;

And so we begin.

- Recap is all about the letter and StripperShowMyTits and Red Sonja's campaign of lies against Heartland Hooters.

- We open on a morning. I assume it's the morning after eliminations? Big John walks into Sturgess, Meadow and Punky;s room at 6 AM and wakes 'em up...whereupon Sturgess says she'd like to punch him in the balls. That is kind of early. Cut to the douchebag who says that the girls have to start stepping up and giving him their A game. This has what the fuck to do with getting up at 6 AM? John brings the rest of the girls, gathered in the kitchen, a poem that talks about road skills. They think it's about riding motorcycles again. It's not. It's about being the rock "god's slave, bitches. You get to clean the tour bus, watch. Do the laundry, service the rock star...generally be his unpaid labor for the potential chance to maybe get to perform oral sex on him after the show - before he showers. What a fucking treat!

- It's Douchey's birthday. Happy 56th, Bret. He's wearing the American Outlaw hat that makes him look like three, three, three douchebags in one.

- John gets the ladies on the bus and holds a hat. There are little stations set up around a big parking lot, each one represents a city. Names in a hat: name gets drawn, and that person gets to pick an opponent against whom they will compete. Punky gets first draw. She picks Chick With A Penis. First "city?" New York City.

- There's a pile of clothes and an empty suitcase. Your mission, should you choose to be a moron and accept it, is to pack the clothes in the suitcase and get it on the bus. Wow. Tough. What an exciting challenge. Of course they just stomp the clothes in and force them closed. Oh my god the action! Jes gets a sweater stuck in the zipper and holy crap! Underdog PenisLady wins the challenge! It's an upset! HOOOOOLEEEEEEEE COW! I think she's gonna make it! Wait, that's not funny, Phil Rizzuto just died. Sorry Yankee fans. Anyway, Punky has to sit on the bench by the city sign.

- Next "city" is Philly. Magdelena happens to get picked out of the hat and picks Alternachick as her opponent. The challenge is to change clothes in a portapotty, and they have to change into the whoreish rock clothes provided. The rules are that all clothes must be fully on, buckled, tied or whatever, with the shoes "wrapped around twice and tied in the back" whatever the fuck that means. Oh, and the portapotty is filthy and stinks.

- The outfit as described by Sam: "...a crotchless lace onesie, high heels shoes, a corset and a miniskirt that is actually like a belt." So, then my Sunday-Go-To-Meetin' outfit then? I look so awesome in crotchless lace, I gotta say. Sam got it right, as she tied her shoes properly. Also, they're wearing, on top of the corset, a white handkerchief top tied in the front. It kind of looks like they were dressed by a blind special-ed student that flunked out of special-ed design school.

- Next "city" is Detroit, and Lacey gets the pick - she picks Sam. Since Detroit is a scum pit filled with garbage and refuse, the challenge here is to dumpster dive for Bret's favorite guitar pick. Jesus H. Christ this is demeaning. The dumpster is so unbelievably foul. Alternachick wins. In her crotchless outfit.

- Nashville is next, and there's a stack of guitar gear. StripperShowMyTits gets the pick, and she picks Meadow Soprano. Because she wants to "kick her ass." Why, for being fairly nice and polite? Somehow that seems to offend the Great and Powerful Bar Cooze. The challenge is to set up the gear and "make noise." Right. because we all know that trophy girlfriends are also guitar techs for big name rock bands. Fucking I feel stupider and we're only 9 minutes in. It's pretty dumb, as neither girl thinks to plug in the fucking amp. It's like watching stupidity have a fight with idiocy and trying to cheer for someone. The one semi-amusing thing was that Sturgess actually used a little reverse psychology; she told heather she was really good at electronics, and that made heather pick someone else. Truth is Sturgess couldn't set up a domino if you painted an arrow on it that told her which side to put down.

Ultimately, John had to tell them to plug them in. Mia won. StripperShowMyTits takes a seat.

- Next "city" is Seattle. Three ladies are left on the bus: Sturgess, Meadow and Alternachick. Sturgess gets to pick, and she picks Mia. The challenge is that because "sometimes Bret forgets the words," they have to arrange the chorus to "Every Rose" on a big magnetic poetry board. Seriously, did the show pay the license fee for this Poison song and no others? Does every fuck thing that uses a Poison song have to be 'Every Rose?" Pony up five bucks for one of the other tracks you cheap fucks. Mia's all like she knows this so she's got it. Meadow Soprano calls done, only this was her version of the chorus, line breaks just as she arranged them:

every night has its dawn
just like every cowboy sings its sad
sad song every rose has its thorn
just like every rose has his thorn


Wow. Sturgess calls done. It looks right. She wins. Meadow Soprano takes a seat. Commercial.

- Back and it's down to Sturgess and Alternachick. I'm on the edge of my seat with antici.....

- The last "city: is LA. Hopefully the challenge won't be that they have to run naked through East LA wearing a sign that says "Illegal Immigrants Go Home!" Because the cholos would shoot them dead. See what I did there? Racism, cultural insensitivity and stereotyping all in the same joke! Fuck I'm awesome.

The real challenge is to hurdle a series of velvet ropes, push past a football practice dummy dressed as Big John, and make it to Bret. Alternachick has to do this in her slut gear, which seems entirely unfair. But amusing. one slo-mo minute later, Sturgess muscles her way to victory and a "really kickass" date with Doucherag McDouchenozzle. His words, not mine.

- Oh. My. God. I've decided that telling you how much of a douche Bret was isn't gonna cut it. I have to show you. As the bus pulls up. take a gander at how Mr. I'm Still Relevant decides to try to show off:



Sitting there playing a shitty riff. You can smell the douche right through your monitor, can't you? I imagine it like this:

"You guys got me and the bus in the shot?"
"Yes Bret."
"Can you see me riffing and everything? Should I hold the guitar at an even more unnatural angle so you can see my fingers not matching the notes that are coming over the teevee?"
"No Bret, it looks great."
"Can you see my bald spot(s)?"
"No Bret, you look great."
"Cool."

What I'm saying is, Bret Michaels is a douchebag. Anyway, Sturgess steps off the bus. FUCK HE DID IT AGAIN. "Whass'a'goin' awn?" God it makes him sound so douchey when he says that.

- Back at the house, Lacey is upset that she's not getting any time with Bret, so she goes to StripperShowMyTits and says "We have to gang up on Sam and get her outta here." Well, we know it works, as we got that inside scoop a couple weeks back. They know she's emotional about being "cheated" on, so they decide to take advantage of that.

- In walk Douche and Sturgess. Barmaid StripperWhore, in a confessional vid, says that it was "luck of the draw" that Brandi M. won, that it's "not like she earned it." Baroo? (head cocked to one side like a puppy) She totally earned it by humiliating herself just like all the other whores did. It's called competition, and it's part of the show you silly bitch.

- Bret leaves to go to the studio or something, and the ladies are decorating the house with really stupid handmade signs. Lacey made one that said "Happy Birthday (heart symbol) Lacey." It;s supposed to say "Happy Birthday, Love Lacey." Instead it looks for all the world like she's wishing herself a happy birthday. Oh, and Chick With A Big Cock does a little helium and for the first time, sounds feminine.

- The Prodigal Douchebag returns and "the party started right there." Christ. "When I blew out those candles, I was thinkin' the magnificent seven are lookin' hot and my wish was to have the most awesome, kick ass time. Now that's a birthday gift that just keeps on givin'." What the fuck? Is this like some weird version of "downhome country wisdom," where really stupid shit sounds somehow profound because of the syntax? I swear to God if anyone every tried to make him explain his douchebag nuggets of douchery knowledge, his fucking head would explode and bits of Bald Bret Michaels would fly all over these "hot" lookin' women.

- HOLY SHIT! A different Poison song! They are playing 'Nothin' But A Good Time." Wow. All the ladies are partying except PenisChick. Everyone does a pole dance, and then, Douchebag gets real excited because Sam gets up. And making me out as a liar, yet another Poison song starts to play - Unskinny Bop. I guess someone realized that playing seventy-three variations on "Every Rose" wasn't gonna cut it. Oh, also, Alternachick wasn't very good...as we break for commercial, Red Cuntya decides that she's "gonna have to do somethin' about this." Sorry to keep using the C-word, ladies, but Lacey is straight up, no bones about it, no other word for it, a See You Next Tuesday. She was cunty before cunty was...well...cuntish.

- Back, and Doucherag McVinegarAndWater is paying too much attention to Sam. Lacey walks up to Douchebag and tries to deep-kiss him, and StripperFeelMySnatch is letting Douchebag...uhhh...feel her snatch. Of course Sam saw it and walks away. Beginning of her deciding to leave, folks.

- Cut to next day. Alternachick is mad and yelling at everyone. Needless to say Cunty One and Cunty Two (Lacey and Heather) are ecstatic. They're communing over a frying pan full of what I assume is soy-based, cunt-powering super bitchfood. Plotting to take out yet another chick that they can't outclass. I almost think Bret deserves one of these two whores. Lacey of course decides to "take it upon myself to let Bret know" about Sam's freaking out. Jesus. He;s so fucking dumb that he actually believes that Lacey is concerned. He doesn't see it for the total cunt move that it is. Again: maybe he deserves her.

- Lacey goes to the Fortress of Douchitude where SuperDouche is likely still asleep. She knocks, and IHaveACockAndBalls says, under her breath to the other girls that if "he's locked in his room it probably means he doesn't want to fucking see you, how 'bout it?" Oddly, her mannish Polish wisdom is spot on here if this were anyone else, but this is Douchebag McStupidFuck, who believes anything that Lacey and heather say, because apparently he's also a gossipy little bitch at heart. He's not asleep...and willing to eat it all up with a spoon. Red Cuntya goes off about how if Bret was on the bus with a lot of girls, Sam couldn't handle it...and Stupid is eating it up like it was strawberry flavored pussy. "I really appreciated everything that Lacey told me..." That's because you;re stupid.

- Cut to StripperShowMyTits sitting by the pool showing her tits...nice blur action, Mr. Editor. This is one case where I am glad they don't show nudity on regular TV. I need to see Heather's tits like I need to finger-fuck one of the 80 year old women in my physical therapy class at the pool. Anyway, The McCunty Twins are cackling over advancing their plot, which we already know works. They plan to hit Chick With A Penis next.

- Bret comes to Sam's room and she's folding clothes. "You're not leaving are you?" Yeah, she is, because you're a dick and she can tell. "The only person you need to get close to is me." she answers with "How am I supposed to get close to you when girls are grinding up on you?" Well, on the one hand, he's a former rock star, so girls are gonna do that. On the other hand, this is supposed to be about a real relationship (fuck I can't believe I just wrote that) so I get her point. How does WonderDouche respond? With a confessional vid that states, and I quote: "In order to make any relationship work, there's gotta be some level of trust, and I think Sam is harboring some...sever mistrust...issues." Yes, she is, and you aren't helping by acting like a whore yourself, Douchebag.

Sam tells Bret that she was in a pretty bad abusive relationship when she was 21. The guy was a drug addict that cheated on her "every night with a different girl" and she swore she'd never put herself in that position again. Sure. I get it. And I agree that she shouldn't be here. I'm a little confused as to why she signed up at all, given that this whole whore thing was pretty much a guarantee. After all, Rock of Love is just a white person's "Flavor of Love," where a bunch of hoochie mamas and potential baby factories signed up to act like sluts and whores in order to win the affection of one Mr. Flava Flav.

In other words, what the fuck did you expect, girl? Pack your shit and go. Douchebag is saying in a confessional that maybe he is going to let her go just for her own sanity. Trust me, dick, she's gonna beat you to the punch.

- Big John has another horrible poem. Brandi M. gets to go on a date with Bret tonight to "party with the Anaheim Ducks." As she put it. "There's nothin' like beer and men with sticks. Bring it." Hoo-kay...

- The date is dinner in the VIP suite.

Bret: "Do you have more guy friends or girl friends?" Brandi: "Guy friends. And the girlfriends I have are lesbians."

BIKER LESBIANS! Cool.

She goes on: "I'm not gonna turn gay, don't worry. I can't see myself marrying a woman. I'll have sex with one though, don't get me wrong, but then I'll kick her out afterwards." Damn, girl! Love that. Am I going to have to start liking Sturgess here? Dear God...this feels wrong. But...a woman that would have sex with other girls then throw them out of the house? Oh wait, I married one of those. Nevermind. I'm an idiot. :)

DISCLAIMER (forced to write this by the wife): DONNA HAS NOT ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. SHE HAS MADE OUT WITH ONE, JUST NOT HAD SEX WITH ONE. End Disclaimer.

Disclaimer addendum by Jim; YET.

Moving on. :)

- Back at the house, Lacey found a note from Bret. It says that the date will run late and Douchebag will not get to see them again until elminiation time. Their instructions are to work together to make a list of why each girl in the house should be kicked out. This doesn't seem very Brett-like. I assume that it's a producer thing.

They sit around the table not talking. Needless to say, Lacey takes the lead here. She decides, lo and behold, to start with Alternachick. Confessional vid from Sam: "Lacey is a nasty, mean fucking cunt bitch _beep_ _beep_." We can't see her mouth for the last two, but "whore scumbag" would fit nicely. Back to the table and Punky is all "I don't want to fucking do this." No one but Barmaid AgingStripper and Cuntface Extraordinaire want to do this! Jes says it's Heather's turn. Jes says that the reason Old Barmaid Stripper Whore should leave is because they haven't seen who she really is. To which Heather replies, as if it were something she should be bragging about, that this is totally who she is, like, every day. Wow. If that's who you really are...I'm sorry for you, your thirteen illegitimate children, the eleven baby daddies who sired them, and the nine social workers who have to supervise your visits with them at the foster homes they're probably in. Lacey tells Mia that she's not interested in Bret romantically. Confessional: "Lacey is a complete, crazy, psychotic, cold-hearted bitch." How come everyone but Bret sees it? Oh yeah. Bret Michaels is a douchebag. Sometimes I forget. :)

When discussing Brandi, Lacey says "I want you to write: Do you really want a girl who's known for blowjobs?" Hmm. I wish I could call Red Cuntya out for this one, but unfortunately, she's right. brandi M. is also Pamela, a star on Amateur Facials dot com (Not Safe For Work!). She's famous, as far as internet whores can be famous, for taking loads of jizz to the face for a small remittance.

Again, nothing against porn chicks, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with one unless I was her only on-screen partner. And since I'm far, far to beautiful for porn, and the mere sight of my chiseled body would drive women and men alike into a rutting frenzy, it's better for you all that I don't talk my wife into doing this. I would break your mind, I'm so....delusional. I think the word is delusional. Delusional means "Extra fucking hot" right?

- Back to the table, and Jes is next. Her age and her location are the "problems?" OK. Next is our Polish tranny, and Red Cuntya tells her that Dick&Balls; doesn't have "true feelings for him and you;re here just to get on TV." Holy pot and kettle Batman! Of course, Tranny confesses that she thinks Lacey looks like a man.

I'm so fresh out of ways to say that is ironic, it's not even funny.

- Lacey's up next. Sam says that she's not sincere - about anything. Jes says "not sincere and can't control anger." Mia agrees. Lacey gets angry, proving Jes right. Why is she mad, by the way? "Because you guys are telling Bret something wrong about me." HOLY FUCK! I feel like my arms are going to break from the weight of all this irony! Someone help me! I can't hold it all up...must. Drop. Cunty's. Hypocrisy! Jes says they just need to get this shit done. Cunty confesses that these bitches can't take her down. She's probably right, because Bret is a fucking moron. And a douchebag. Commercial.

- Aside: Cunt cunty cunts. Lacey from Rock of Love is a cunt. Google that, show fans.

- Back to the date with Sturgess and Douchebag. They're watching the hockey game. "Brandi's kind of a tomboy. She's one of those girls that can change your tire, and at the same time you wanna have sex with her. That's a win-win." HOLY FUCKING KEY-RIST! I am forced to agree with BuddhaDouche here. I do find that appealing. As long as I can fuck her while she's changing my tire, of course. Grease, sweat...cars zooming by at 65 miles an hour, me droppin' a load on Mz. Amatuer Facials here. Hells yeah. A-whass'a goin' awn, yall. Let's rock the party.

Oh fuck. I think I've been infected with Bret's douche virus. Anyway, Bret and Facial enjoyed themselves. Cut to the house.

- They come home, and Bret runs off to his Fortress of Douchitude. Punky tells Sturgess what the days activity was. Mia tells her straight out that all they said bad about her was that she makes "body sounds." She burps and farts. You know, like a human does. Sturgess, knowing that the Cunt Twins would spin her a tale, decides to march upstairs and ask them straight up what they said, whereupon Red Cuntya starts telling a tall tale about how "Mia Jes and Magdelenawere all like she;s a groupie, she's a slut, she's this she's that." Uhh...really? Where was this? That shit came out of Cunty One and Cunty Two. Cuntya, remember when they told you that you were not sincere and you didn't get it? It's because you're a lying cunt. Brandi doesn't buy it. She tells Jes and Mia, and they're as confused as the rest of us. Somehow, everyone that has ever seen Lacey seems to see that she's a two-faced lying little bitchcunt...except Bret Michaels.

Because he's a douchebag.

They continue to talk about Lacey, and Jes drops this one: "Lacey just...sucks at life. She has no heart, no soul. She just sucks." It's so true. Only she might win this thing because again, Bret's a douchebag.

- Douchebag alert! He's on the prowl, and looking for another woman to lie to him and pretend to be all about him! Hey, I thought he wasn't going to get a chance to see any of them until elimination? Wasn't that the whole point of the stupid fucking list? He's gonna talk to all of them. He's telling PenisGirl that he's not feeling it from her. That's because HE'S not into you, dude. He talks to Alternachick next, who is in the bathroom crying. She tells him she can't take it. "I don't want to fall in love in front of millions of people...and get hurt." Seriously chicka...just leave.

- Right before elimination time. , Bret reads the letter. He seems to zero in on the fact that they called Lacey insincere. "I'm really startin' to realize that maybe she;s the cause of all the drama that;s gone on in that house." It's like reading about the Enlightenment. You think to yourself "My god, how amazing it must have been to see so many breakthroughs in science and philosophy come, one after the other after the other! How wondrous it must have been to feel so full of discovery!" If we're lucky, Douchebag just had his Enlightenment.

I kinda doubt it. Commercial.

- Eliminations. The girls are nervous. Sam is all "I told Bret I wanted to go home earlier." Then when they cut to Lacey;s confessional, she;s all "Sam is so emotional. I don't think he wants someone like that in his life." Does she not realize that we, the audience to whom these confessional videos are directed, know she's a conniving, manipulative whore who pushed Sam into this state? She made the other videos that told us her plan. Is she that dumb?

Is that a really stupid question, as the answer can only be "Yes, she's a fucking complete imbecile?"

Douche is wearing the stupid outlaw hat again, and a red vinyl sport coat. Whatever. Brandi gets a pass. Heather is pissed, and she's all "She just wants to give him a blowjob." Like you don't? You're a worn-out old whore, sister. We can all smell the truck stop cum on your breath. Heather gets a pass. "I feel that this girl is my friend." Fuck he's stupid. Jes gets a pass. Her confessional says that she really wants to be with him - which lowers my opinion of her - and that she's gonna try harder. Oh well. She's still the coolest chick on the show, not that there is a lot of competition. Mia gets a pass. Lacey gets a pass. Again...he's so stupid. Sam and Magdalena left. He gives a speech about Sam, and how he has to make these decisions "not just for what I'm thinkin' but for how you're thinkin'." What a philanthropist he is! So giving! He calls Magdalena down. Drama. He's sending Magdalena home. I guess Sam's not leaving yet. Douchey gives her a pass. They toast. Red Cuntya ends with a confessional proclaiming that Sam "still has a target on her back." Seriously, I know the show is edited to manipulate us, but if she contracted AIDS, got cervical cancer, suffered for five years and then was hit by a bus on the way to her parole officer's, I would probably cheer.

On the next Rock Of Douche: the ladies strip down for a photo session to be on the next album cover. The Lacey thing gets heated...can't wait to see this scene play out...Sam, talking to Bret alone: "The side that she doesn't show you is this manipulative (edit) malicious (side) (edit) can you really trust that?" Bret: "I...I dunno" Sam interrupts - "Look at me. Can you trust...can you trust that" "No." "Then what are you doing?" He's keeping her around so we can hate her, as per orders of the production staff. He doesn't care about you, honey. He never will. This is just to put Bret Michaels out there in everyone's mind, solo and separated from Poison so that he might be able to carve out an identity for himself and sell a few extra copies of whatever crapfucksuck solo record is coming out soon.

Get it? He's a fucking douchebag, sistah. Learn it and move on.

See y'all douche lovers next week! (Oh my God. 4255 words about Rock Of Love. What the fuck is wrong with me?)
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The glossary for the whores still here on this goatfuck of a show:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess.  Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Erin: Heartland Hooters.
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis.  Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.

- Recap shows Punky Brewster saying she needs a date with Bret, so yeah, that’ll happen obviously, since this is almost as scripted a reality show as “The Two Coreys.” We get a recap of the old Erin/Heather drama, and a reminder that Red Sonja is a class A, USDA Prime cunt with extra fish sauce.

- Open with footage picking up right after eliminations, and Sturgess says she partied maybe a little too much.  And that would be different from all the other days that end with a “Y” how?  Lo and behold she pissed off all the other girls.  Big frigging deal.

- “I heard I had a good time at the party last night.” And here we see why Sturgess isn’t really made of carbon, but of regret, herpes, 73 different “date rape” episodes and unchecked alcoholism.  Darwin would be proud.  She’s clearly a new life form.

- The challenge for today is football.  Guess how bad the poem was?  If cancer is terrible, and sex with Rosie O’Donnell is even worse, this poem was like having sex with Rosie O’Donnell if she was made entirely of cancer.  And you could catch it from her.

- Stripper ShowMyTits says she’s a tomboy and football is right up her alley.  You could probably fit a football team up her alley, so that’s no surprise.  Christ she looks awful in the morning.  Like a MINEWTFNEWMP (Mom I Never Ever Want To Fuck, Not Even With Magdalena’s Penis) instead of a MILF. 

- Teams: The Sweethearts: #36 - Brandi M.  #45 - Jes.  #22 - Magdalena.  #48 - Mia.  The Fallen Angels: #70 - Heather.  #68 - Lacey.  #25 - Erin.  #55 - Sam.

- Douchebag had braids in his wigstension.  Wow.

- I gotta say, Magdalena probably doesn’t know shit about American football, but she is significantly bigger that the other girls, and if she can pick up the rules - and avoid getting hit in her balls - then she’ll destroy someone.

- Winning team gets a four-way date, MVP gets a special one-on-one session with Bret Michaels, King of the Douchebags.  They already showed us footage of the date so, like, big shock the Sweethearts win.

- Punky Brewster (said with emphasis) - “I’m gonna fuck some bitches up.” One can only hope that she means it.  I would love to see her clothesline Red Sonja in the throat.

- Heartland Hooters: “As long as my face doesn’t get fucked up.” Too late, sweetie.  You ain’t that facially attractive to start with.

- Chick With A Penis gets the “kickoff” and runs the wrong way.  Alternachick: “I attempted a tackle, but ended up giving Magedalena a really big hug.” That’s because she’s a fullback and could smash through the defensive line of the 1974 Pittsburgh Steelers.  BECAUSE SHE HAS A COCK AND BALLS AND IS A MAN.  Douchebag is quarterbacking both sides. 

- Punky Brewster scores.  Fallen Angels fumble the “kickoff” - Bret just throws it, BTW.  The Not As Much Whores recover. Punky runs it and Red Sonja plants her with a pretty severe tackle, and it;s game on.  Jes now wants to destroy Lacey, and I’m all for it. 

- Fallen Angels get another posession and Lacey gets it.  Jes wraps around her like an anaconda and spin-throws her to the ground...Lacey’s down!  Lacey’s down!  She looks hurt.  It looks like she might have sprained or even broken her ankle?  Yes!  Instant Karma’s gonna get you, ya big whorey bitch.  Commercial

- Back, replay of the Lacey injury and Alternachick in a confessional vid: “Jes comes around and nails her, and she’s out. (devil horns) Yes! Oh wait but she’s still on my team. (laughs) Whatever, who cares.  Fuck her!” For the reals, sister...speak it!  Lacey’s out...Sweethearts have to bench someone and they choose Sturgess because she’s so hung over.

- Jes is blocking passes, tackling bitches...she scores again...yeah, I see where this is going, and I believe I predicted something like this in the intro…

- Douche-bret: “Heather hits like a bull.” That’s because she is a bull, dummy.  I think she might have a cock tucked away in there too.  He’s of course turned on by her/it.  Uglier the whore, the more Douchey likes her.  It’s an inverse algorithm of hotness.  The hotter a chick, the less Bret Michaels will be attracted to her.  The trashier and, let’s face it, trailer-park, manly and worn out a whore is, the more he wants to park his double-wide in her lot.  Magdalena doesn’t get his attention because she’s a pretty tranny.  He only likes the ugly ones.  If life were like “Too Wong Foo,” Bret would want to fuck Wesley Snipes, not John Leguizamo.  If it were “Priscilla,” Bret would try to stick it in Hugo Weaving and not Terence Stamp, who, admit it, was pretty hot for an old queen.  What I’m saying is Bret has bad taste.  Really bad taste.

- StripperShowMyTits is stepping up the violence.  She gets the ball.  Punky tears her pants clean off.  Meadow Soprano makes StripperBarmaid fumble.  Unbelievably, StripperShowMyTits pulls off an actual play and falls on the ball in the end zone.

- Douchebag: “Heather can’t keep her clothes on in any even that we do.” And we all kind of wish she would keep them on.  It’s never the ones you want to get naked that actually get naked, you know what I’m sayin’?

- Game is tied.  Stripper vs Punky for MVP.  Whoever makes the big play will get to fuck date the douchebag one-on-one.  The tension!  Big pass to Jes, who catches it for the win.  Sweethearts win, 3 to 2.  That’s right, they didn’t bother with actual football scoring.  They scored it like baseball.  Whatever, you think these bitches would get a two-point conversion or the concept of a field goal?  This was easier.  Punky gets the MVP date.

- The ladies are hurting as they get home.  Sturgess: “We’re a buncha broken bitches.” In more ways than one, buttaface/body/personality.

- Lacey is torqued because she lost.  She’s also wearing a “No animal testing” shirt.  Animal testing keeps Bret Michaels alive.  Does she really think she’s going to be the one he choo-choo-chooses?  She re-affirms that she’s planning to try to “knock these other girls out of here.”

- Aww, Punky is nervous.  How cute.

- Thatnks to Donna’s eagle eye, I present to you Douchebag McFuckstick’s biggest example of douchebaggery to date: the poorly-done portrait of himself placed outside the BMB (Bret Michaels Bedroom):

It;s bad enough that there is a giant BMB on the door.  That’s like, douchebag level 6.  But to prop up the really shitty painting of what looks like Kid Rock in your hat outside your BMB?  That’s like level 18, maybe even Secret Gold Level douchebaggery.  EXTREME DOUCHEBAG CLOSEUP!

I am only sorry I do not yet have a high-def television so as to bring you the subtle nuances of douche contained in this master work.  Moving on.

- I guess this is a thing or something.  Maybe it’s because I’m not a woman, I didn’t get why this was a problem, but here’s the setup:  Erin calls her job, apparently a club called “Underground.” Her boss tells her that Justin Timberlake is supposed to come in the next night and Erin’s all sad because she won’t be there.  Lacey overhears this and runs to Stripper Barmaid Trailer Whore to plot against Erin over this.  OK.  Sure.  Whatever.  Lacey turns that into “Erin would rather be with Justin Timberlake than Bret.” OK.  That’s fucking stupid, but again, I do not produce blood from my vagina once a month, so I’m not supposed to understand the inner mysteries of being a trashy cunt.

Heather decides to write Douchefuck a letter “exposing” all the other girls, and you just know this is going in the letter.  Once again, not to harp on this point, but what the fuck?  Why is this an issue?  Heartland Hooters casually mentioned “Aww, Timberlake is gonna be there and I’m gonna miss it” and now this means she hates Bret Michaels?  Commercial.

- Back from commercial, and I cannot believe that this is BARELY THE HALFWAY POINT.

- Punky and Douchebag’s date, and as Jes walks up to this place called “The Joint” that painting is here too.  WTF?  STOP IT.  It’s horrible.  The setup is so fucking cheesy.  It’s so “Look at me, I’m a rock star.” Small intimate table, but you can see the stage just beyond, and you fucking know Douchebag is going to try to wow her with his rock star relevancy again.  Sure enough he strolls on stage.  He just can’t turn it off, like, ever.  BE A REGULAR HUMAN BEING ONCE IN A WHILE, DOUCHEBAG.  It won’t hurt, I promise.  Jes looks like she’s trying not to react to a fart.  It’s just such a dick move and I really really think that she thinks so too.

Bret wrote a song for the date.  Now, remember, he didn’t know who in the blue fuck was going to be actually on this date.  He starts it off by saying that he’s “been waitin’ so long for this date.” But he was waiting for the event, NOT the girl.  He didn’t want to get to be with any particular girl, he just couldn’t wait to be on a stage, set above one of the girls, playin’ star again.  Here he goes.  Turn the page.  (20 points to whoever gets that one)

I have said it before and I’ll say it a million more times before this is over; Bret Michaels is a douchebag.

- He starts to play and...umm...the guitar melody is literally one note different from “Every Rose.” Without CC, Bret is completely clueless how to write music.  He’s plagiarizing his own back catalog.  The song is pretty weak.  It plays under a montage of Bret essentially lecturing her about him.  We don’t get to hear her talk much, although there is some footage of her talking while the studio version of the terrible fucking song comes up loud.  Date over with Punky saying that they have a connection now.  RUN, PUNKY, RUN!  Get away before the douchitude rubs off on you!

- Next day...Douchebag gets Heather’s letter and he’s NOT thrilled with it.  Let me tell you why, regardless of what Douche says on TV: If Heather would do this now, to the girls in the house...she will tell Bret’s secrets, and you don’t tell secrets on a rock star.  if you can’t keep your mouth shut, you can’t be trusted and if you can’t be trusted, all you are good for is as a receptacle for jism.  Which in Stripper ShowMyTits’ case is 100% accurate.

Oh my.  I’m so fucking wrong.  This moron actually believes everything Heather said.  Oh well.  I was giving the stupid fuck too much credit as a real live human, I suppose.  I forgot that he couldn’t care less about anyone but him, and if this skanky lying whore caters to his ego, then she’s his choice and decency, truth and simple human understanding be damned!  Damn the douche-pedoes!  Full douche ahead!

- Poem time.  The ladies are going to a gun range.  Meanwhile Lacey and Heather are trying to weasel info out of Erin for use against her, and Douchebag is ranting about Erin in the limo on the way to his date.

“Turns out that I was about to be a notch on Erin’s bedpost. I’m the notcher!  I make the notches, not Erin!” What a selfish, unabashed douchebag.  Not really a surprise for a rock star, really, but damn...he’s letting this all out on TV.

- Bret can actually shoot a little and loves to go to the range.  He’s still a douchebag though, gun-lover or not.  In fact I’d almost rather that he hate and fear guns.  Somehow knowing that Bret Michaels, King Of The Douchebags, likes guns lessens the reputation of gun owners everywhere.  I’d sooner be associated with David fucking Berkowitz.  Still, one more thing that is likely to keep Lacey from getting picked, so that’s good.

- Meadow sucks at shooting, Sturgess is awful but Chick With A Penis is like, a crack shot.  Insanely good.  If I had to try to ID the gun, BTW, it looked like a .357, but there was so little kick.  I bet they were firing light .38 rounds out of it.

- Lunch inside the lodge.  Dead stuffed animals EVERYWHERE.  Douchebag asks the ladies if StripperShowMyTits is trustworthy.  Maybe he’s finally getting the message that Heather may not be the person telling him the truth.  Sturgess mentions that she fucked vanilla Ice on The Surreal Life...Douchebag gets a look on his face like someone just told him that Poison was going to tour without him this summer.  He’s now all fired up against Heather.  In other words, Bret bends like a reed in the wind.  Or the applicator tip of a douche bottle.  The nozzle, if you will.  Bret Michaels is, in addition to being a douchebag, a douche nozzle.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  The Cunty Twins are plotting against Erin, and Heartland Hooters can hear the whole thing.  Good lord these bitches are dumb.

- The chicks that were on the date are grilling StripperShowMyTits about what is in the letter. OH MY GOD they’re treating this like it’s trying to map the human genome or something!  What the fuck do you think a stupid whore like her wrote?  That you are all stupider and whorier.  “Whorier” is not a word, but it is now.  Heather tries to play it off like the letter was only about her.  Lying whore.

- Cut to Douchebag playing a douchey song in his Fortress of Douchitude.  Goddammit, all of this is making me never want to be a Poison fan anymore.  Knock on the door...and here comes Red Sonja trying to back Heather’s play.  Bret spills what he knows, and whammo!  Lacey turns on her “friend” Heather faster than Heather could say “Please refill my Valtrex prescription.”

- Jesus...this letter never fucking ends.  Sturgess decides to tell Heartland about the letter.  Heartland goes looking for Stripper.  They “chat” about it.  THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID AND I AM SORRY I AM TELLING YOU ABOUT IT.  I apologize.  I wish that I was writing lengthy essays about the nature of humanity and how we can all come together as a peoples, or maybe about how love can overcome adversity, or hell, even a story about the time I stuck my arm in a horse’s vagina (true story) would be more upscale than this shit.  WHAT THE FUCK!  This show makes me miss American Idol.  They argue for a couple minutes.

- Erin heads toward the Fortress of Douchitude to set the record straight.  Lacey is still inside.  He keeps Heartland at the door and his confessional cutaway says that Stripper and Heartland are both about to be elminiated.  GOOD.  Get them both the fuck out, then do something else next week.  Foxy boxing, anyone?  Let Jes break Lacey’s face next week.  Commercial.

- Elimination time, and all the bitches bitch about each other.  Straight to the cuts.  Douchebag is in a bad mood.  One is going home.

- Jes stays.  Mia stays.  Brandi M. stays.  Unfortunately Lacey stays.  Magdalena stays.  Sam stays.  Erin and Heather left.  Stripper ShowMyTits is all upset that she’s last with Erin.  Douchebag slows it down and calls Heather out a little, but ultimately picks her.  Erin is out.  Good lord he’s a stupid, easily led idiot.

Douchebag: “If you’re lyin’ to me Heather, I’m gonna find out.  Count on it.” No you won’t.  You’re too stupid.  Heartland Hooters: “And really, I have had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels.” I do not doubt that at all, you airbag-carrying whorebucket.

Clips from next week include Sam saying she has to bail...toldja! 

This show makes me sad.  Mainly for myself.  This week was particularly idiotic...I feel dumber for having watched it.  At least I have SOME standards...we watched two leaked episodes of ‘The Two Coreys” and we refuse to watch another fucking instant of that horrible program.

See you next week for more outrageous whores...more sickening stupidity and More King Douchebag!

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Once again, just to keep it all straight, the glossary of whore names:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Brandi C. :Scarface, Methface, Whorebucket McSuckdick (and variations on a theme), Half of the Wondertwins, Bimbo C., and any mention of half of a Barbie set. Don’t forget she’s a porn star too! (NSFW!)
Kristia: The other Wondertwin, Barbie set, or Other Dumb Blonde
Dallas: Token.  Just like South Park.  She’s the only black person within eleventy miles.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess.  Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Erin: Heartland Hooters.
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis.  Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.
Rodeo: A cartoon character who needs no nickname.  Sometimes I call her Leatherface, but it’s an adjective, not a noun.  :)

- Whores whores whores.  I just had to get that out of the way.

- Recap features Douchebag’s bond with Rodeo, plus the fight between Red Sonja and Token.

- We open with the whores getting drunk just moments after last week’s eliminations, and Whorebucket McFillMyHoles just asked for “sham-pag-nuh.” I certainly hope she’s kidding with that, but with her you can never tell.  The “ladies” do some booty dancing, but then Rodeo starts to break down as she misses her son.  While I certainly understand that, what the frigging fuck is she doing here if she can’t bear to be away?  It’s a whorehouse filled with whores and cameras.  You sort of knew going in what the deal was.  Of course, this will activate Bret’s sympathy chip, and RoboDouche will immediately bond harder with this unfortunate looking woman.

- Lacey decides to go get Douchebag, as she sees the breakdown as an opportunity to show Bret that Rodeo doesn’t belong here.  Bad move, Red. This is going to draw them closer together.

- Cut to Whorebucket, and she’s all hostile now that she’s hammered.  So what does she do?  She violates rule number one.  On the first day, Big John told the whores, rule one is “No one enters Bret’s room unannounced.” Oops!  Big John finds her and tells her she won’t see Bret tonight and she loses her shit.

- Next day - Douchebag is playing the harmonica on the stage.  He’s fucking terrible at it.  This is the contest for the day...Bretbag has written songs for a solo album.  First off, holy fuck, who paid him to do that?  Without CC, Bret is literally talentless as a musician.  He’s just bad.  He oozes more cheese than a double-cheese stuffed crust pizza.  Secondly, holy fuck, why would you ask this particular group of whores - who are so fucking stupid that they see appearing on VH1’s Rock Of Love as a good thing - to write for you?  Oh wait, I’ve been hearing those poems he writes for each challenge.  That explains why he needs the help.

- Team 1 - Stripper ShowMyTits and Chick With A Penis.  Team 2 - Punky Brewster and Sturgess.  Team 3 - Red Sonja and Heartland Hooters.  Team 4 - Alternachick and Fuckhole McPornstar (that’s a new name for Brandi C., BTW).  Rodeo and Mira Sorvino Soprano (Mia) make up Team 5.  Winning team gets a one-on-one date each with Douchebag.  Two hours to make magic, ladies!  Songwriters, let’s get songwritin’!

- Heartland Hooters is all scared of it.  Alternachick is kinda pissed she got saddled with Whorebucket.  Rodeo is singing something about rainbows of neverending love.  Mia’s reaction sums it up perfectly: “What the fuck is wrong with her and what is she thinking?” Instead of saying that to Rodeo, she tells her it was awesome, and Rodeo proceeds to have a moment.

You know that moment in a film when the lead character experiences something awful, drops to his or her n=knees and screams “NOOOOOOOOOOO” at the top of their lungs?  And in order for you, the adience to truly understand the magnitude of the scream, they pull up and show like, a flock of birds getting scared and flying away?  Rodeo started laughing after Mia complimented her, and the entire house froze in terror.  I think that millions of migratory birds just up and decided to leave early for the south as well.  It’s like listening to a hyena that has been blowing Satan’s barbed cock and swallowing loads made of hellfire and ground glass.

- Red Sonja is fully confident.  She’s a musician don’t you know.  ::crickets::

- Umm...for some reason Blowjob McFuckQueen thinks she’s got this lyric thing locked, and takes a potshot at Alternachick’s “creepy little journal” in which she’s been furiously scribbling while trying to ignore the stench of strange men’s jism that surrounds Brandi C. like the cloud of dirt that follows Pigpen.

- I’m just gonna skip the rest of this lyric segment unless something really interesting happens.  OK, here’s one semi-amusing thing.  Jes just said that neither she nor Brandi M. have anything to do with music.  “We smoke cigarettes and drink, that’s what we have in common.” Pretty much.  She’s like, the only one who seems to know the truth about this situation.  Oh, and Lacey managed to make another statement about being a musician.  FUCK WE FUCKING KNOW ALREADY, YOU STUPID WHORE.  You fancy yourself a professional.  We get it.  Call me when anyone outside your family pays for a ticket, ‘kay?

- OK, one other amusing segment...Alternachick is trying to teach Brandi C. how to sing.  I know what her mistake was.  There’s no cock in front of her.  She requires it, much like a donkey will move forward if you dangle a carrot in front of his face, Brandi C. will perform better if she things she’ll get to suck a dick at the end.  Come on, Sam, what were you thinking!

- The contest begins.  Guest judge Richard Blade.  Yeah, me either, and I worked in that business.  Douchebag, this radio guy and Big John will be judging.

- Heartland Hooters and Red Sonja are first.  Erin is way off time.  The song sucks monkey dicks even though Red thinks that her being a musician makes up for...something.  See, I don’t knwo what it makes up for as she’s a TERRIBLE FUCKING MUSICIAN…

- Next up - Manchick and the South Chicago Barmaid (Heather and Magdelena).  Douchebag actually mentioned her deep, testicle-created voice: “Magdelena sings...sounds a little like a drag queen.” Yeah she does.  Because she has a penis.  The song doesn’t horrify me lyrically.

- Punky and Sturgess up next.  They were just screwing around and trying to be punk.  Douchebag liked it.

- Rodeo and Meadow Sorvino Soprano are next.  This oughtta suck badly as Rodeo is intent on singing about her and Bret’s kids.  Douchebag notices how out of place the “kids” lyrics are.  Also, Meadow Soprano looks kind of hot in her low-rider jeans.  Nice abs/hip area on that hussy.  Bret asks a question and the only way to truly impart how...disjointed and ridiculous Rodeo’s answer was is to transcribe it.

Bret: “What made you choose the rock song over the ballad?”

Rodeo: “Ok, I can answer that.  We both agreed that in order to carry out the rock for you, for your future, is to have kids involved.  Because the children, are the ones that are growing up, and they;re gonna make your rock music live.”

What.  The.  Fuck.  Does.  That.  Mean?  No, seriously, someone please translate that to English for me.  I really don’t understand what she’s saying. It;s like someone asked her about playing pool, and she decided to give a speech on dark matter and strange quarks. No one in that room, or in the audience, knows what the fuck she;s talking about. Luckily she attempts to explain it in a confessional cutaway.  Except that she goes apeshit in that and makes no sense either.  She should just stand there and say “Kids kids kids, kids kids.  Kids!” until she starts to cry or Bret runs screaming from the house.  WHACK-A_DOO!  Brandi M.: “Rodeo’s always talking about her kids, and it’s gettin’ fuckin’ crazy.” Score one for Sturgess.  Off to commercial.

- Back.  We end this shit-tacular contest with Alternachick and Methface Cocksucker.  Whoreface thinks she’s gonna pull this off just because she’s cute.  The lyrics, written completely by Sam, are awfully dark and yet totally cheese-tastic.  They include the words ‘Fallen Angel” so at least she knows one Poison song.  Something about lying to her and telling her she’s the one, and ripping her flesh, and Bret being the fallen angel.  Just really the opposite of the theme, which Douchebag told everyone was supposed to be “Love is....” Well, no, maybe not opposite.  For Sam, love sucks hairy monkey balls and she’s a crazy, baggage-having bucket of neuroses and angst.  So yeah...pick her to be your girlfriend!  Maybe she’ll cut your dick off in your sleep!  Awesome!

Douchebag asks what inspired her...and she goes off on a tirade about the fact that Bret is probably lying to all of them and there’s no way to know.  Way to move ahead in the Whore Rankings, girly!

- The critique...Chickdick and StripperShowMyTits got props for lyrics and Magdelena gave Heather credit, so that was nice of him. (yes, I said him).

- Jes and Brandi M...."You girls looked terrific.” Heh.  Richard Radioguy didn’t like the guitars, and Brandi suggested he pull the stick out of his ass.

- Hooters and Red: Erin hurt the performance and Cunty Animalbitch goes apeshit on Erin in a confessional video.  So Erin is completely stage-shy when music is involved.  She;s not a professional musician like you, Red.  I imagine you;d get flustered trying to tell a lunch table full of businessmen what the difference was between the 911 wings and the 3 Mile Island ones.

- Radioguy says that Rodeo and Mia worked together well.  Rodeo says the word kids again.  Oh, if only she would laugh like a wounded bear again!

- Alterna and Whore - Radioguy liked some of the lyrics.  Hated the singing.

- The winners are: Magdelena and Heather and Sam and Brandi c.  He’s such a pussy.  He called it a tie so now no one gets a one-on-one date.  Double dates for all.

- Rodeo loses it again.  Guess what it was about?  Her confessional - crying again, I might add - said the following and I quote: “I’m trying to bring them into good music, and I love rock and I love country.  That’s why I wear my hat.  Cuz my kids love me.” Oh Jesus fucking Christ.

WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE JUST ANSWER?  It’s literally like she’s having some other conversation.  Maybe with a voice in her head?

- Whorebucket McSuckdick actually makes a half-decent point here.  From across the room, she’s watching Rodeo lose it again, and she whispers to Lacey that she understands that Rodeo misses her kid, but that Brandi prepared herself before she came here.  She’s absolutely right...Rodeo should have been prepared for this and not done it if she couldn’t handle it.  Of course, being an utterly ridiculously stupid bag of whore, Brandi C. compares it to missing her cat.

So...there goes any wisdom and experience points she might have earned.  Then she calls Rodeo an attention whore.  OH MY GOD, THERE AREN’T ENOUGH POT AND KETTLE REFERENCES IN THE WORLD TO COVER THAT STATEMENT.  Commercial.

- Back...date time.  Bret is dating the manchick and the barmaid at the same time.  They’re talking about Rodeo the whole drive over to whatever low-rent sushi place paid to be featured on this show.  StripperShowMyTits is offended that ManPenisWoman brought up that she’s a stripper.  Honey, you’re a stripper.  Shut the fuck up.

Douchebag says he has a big heart and a lot of affection for “dancers.” He feels emotionally bonded to Heather because she wants to quit the life.  Of course, ManWoman just said before that clip that every stripper says they’re quitting soon.  And they do.  I bet you that 99.75% of all strippers will tell you this is just a part-time, short-term thing.  Right after they rub their exposed labia on the back of your hand for an extra ten bucks.

Douchebag gave the ladies Stratocasters.  I see the Fender logo on there, so its not like he paid for them…

- They’re sitting there talking about getting tattoos and StripperShowMyTits says she’s going to get “Bret” done on the back of her neck.  HOLY PSYCHO, BATMAN...but Douchebag actually says that her sitting there “looking beautiful” (this guy has the worst taste in women) made him think she could be the one.

Creepy.

- They retire to the limo to do shooters and all make out together.  Douchebag says that once he starts to party he just has to keep on partying.  Good for you, Mr. 4 shots of insulin a day.  Remember when it was only two?  So does your liver.

- They stumble back into the house and Heather strips.  Douchebag starts playing harmonica.  Jes says “This is like, the 139th time I’ve seen Heather’s tits.” Hey, at least you didn’t have to pay a cover charge for the “privilege.”

The best part of this is that Sam is watching from the top of the stairs and Bret and the “ladies” get funky.  She storms off in a huff.  The second best part is this:

I did NOT cherry-pick that look.  She just sat there hugging the bottle and watching the spectacle in front of her with that look on her face.

Then the party gets nutty and a guitar gets smashed.  Some ladies and Douchebag go up to his room.  Lacey, Heather and Brandi C.  What a surprise.  Confessional cutawy from Chief High Douchebag McDickbag himself, and he has this pearl of wisdom for us:

“I know for a fact this is what I don’t need to do, and this is gonna cost me my soul...and it is gonna be hot lovin’.” Ladies and gentlemen of my readership, I put it to you that Bret Michaels is a douchebag.  Can anyone refute this claim?

Also, he hung a cowboy hat on the door as a sign that he was about to plunge his guitar deep into these ladies’ cases, ifyouknowwhatImean, andIthinkyoudo.  He;s gonna try to fuck them all, is my point.  Because they’re whores and he’s a douchebag.

- It’s now the next day, and Slutfest McPornstar and Alternachick get a date today.  Bret is worried that all this partying may literally be killing him.  And it literally may be, but he’s too much of a douchebag to actually STOP.

- For some reason Sturgess is mad about the “bimbos trying to fuck him.” Trying?

- The lesser sluts are trying to find out if Lacey fucked the Douchebag.  Jes: “If he ate...your pussy out...I mean I don’t want to kiss him if he just ate your shit.” Hear hear!  Lacey looks like she might be harboring a little petri dish action down there.  Her vagina is classified as a level 3 growth medium.  Red loves that all the girls are talking about her.

- Alternachick doesn’t seem to realize that this is how it’s gonna be.  She’s all torqued about Bret potentially cheating on her.  Honey, HE TOLD YOU HE WOULD.  And you said you’d be cool with it.  If you are not, then you should leave this house.

ASIDE - someone who knows Sam from Chicago told us that Sam told her that Sam left the house early because she could not deal with this shit...so look for Alternachick to leave early.  And good on her if she does.  If this is offensive to you, and it should be, then walk away.

- Big John brings a new poem.  Fucking hell.  So awful.  From the verse, it seems that he’s taking Sam and Brandi C. horseback riding.  This causes Rodeo to break down and talk about her dream date with Bret..."To ride horses...on his land...” Wow.  She’s really losing it.  It could be going well past bonding with Douchebag into “she needs to be eliminated soon” territory.  The real danger with Rodeo riding a horse is that people would have trouble telling the difference between her face and the saddle leather.

- The date...they ride.  Bret seems...uhh..."Impressed" with how “young of a soul Brandi C. has.” As in she’s an infantile little cumbucket that only knows how to suck a cock and throw a tantrum.  Then they picnic.  He gives the ladies acoustic guitars.  She’s a rocket scientist, I swear.  “I was playing with my guitar and I learned that you know, when you go down, the sound gets...higher?  So those must me...the...notes, or something?  I don’t know.”

Wow.  I didn’t need to hear that.  Because I witnessed that level of stupidity, I am now dumb enough to qualify to be in a fraternity.  Be thankful I saved you from having to see it.  Unless you did, in which case I’m sorry for you.

- Sam decides to drop the heavy conversation on Douchebag, who is gonna take this real serious, cross his heart and hope to lie.  Brandi C. drops yet another nugget of wisdom: “So, Sam takes my boyfriend away from me.  This doesn’t bother me because she’s going there to talk about issues they already have and they’re not even together.” Here’s the thing about Brandi’s wisdom - it’s accurate.  Sam is already raising relationship issues, and she and Bret aren’t a couple yet.  But, because she;s a really, really stupid whore more suited to standing next to a hot car, or taking a cock up the ass, she doesn’t realize she began her little pearl of knowledge by saying Bret was hr boyfriend.  And...well, they’re not even together yet.

On to Sam.  She open up her trust issues and tells Bret she doesn’t think she can trust him.  Really?  Ya think?  Douchebag think that his issues and her issues will make them bond.  He talks her into staying for now.  Douchebag’s confessional says hedoesn’t know if he can be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him.  Sure, I get that.  Except for the part where you aren’t trustworthy.  You douchebag.  Date over.  Commercial.

- Back.  Elimination time.  What lucky whorebag will be asked to stay and rock Douchebag’s world?  Rodeo’s confessional manages to work in the words “mother” and “child.” Jesus won’t she ever fucking stop?  Sam is buying Bret’s BS.  Douchey strolls into the elimination room wearing a tiger-stripe 3/4 faux-fur coat.  I wish I could explain how douchey it looks.  The hat looks like real snakeskin though.  Sorry Lacey.  :)

- He calls Rodeo first.  He cuts her and send her home.  He gives her his hat.  Then he walks her to the door and says that “he’s gonna let her go with dignity.” She’s a crying mess after, and beliebe it or not...I swear to God...the guy is actually crying when he comes back into the room.  Rodeo really was the one he connected to, and I think he just sent ehr away truly out of concern for her and her child.

Wow.  An actual gesture of humanity.  I hardly know what to think.

- Mia gets a pass to stay.  Jes stays.  Erin stays.  Brandi M. stays.  Magdelena stays.  Sam stays.  Two passes left, and none of the fucktoys have gotten one yet.  Lacey gets a pass to stay.  Damn.  Heather gets the last pass...aww...the porn star is going home!  Whatever shall we all do?  Heather says in her confessional that she’s “classy.” In what universe?

- Brandi C. is all tore up...only she’s not really talking much about her feelings for Bret, but more about how “those other girls” got picked over her.  Young soul indeed…

- Lacey’s cutaway vid talks about how she’s gonna target the girls that are wrong for Bret.  She’s not into this guy, she just wants to win.  And maybe get on tour, because she’s a musician, you know.

- Next week, StripperShowMyTits decides to write Bret a letter talking shit about the other girls, and we learn that Heather was once on “The Surreal Life” and fucked Vanilla Ice.  Wow.  That’s...really pathetic, is what that is.  It ends with King Douchetard of Douche Mountain saying ‘I, Bret Michaels, will not be played.” Ohhhh!  Scary.

Looks like a fun week next week!  Yay for VH1’s commitment to lowering the bar for all broadcasting!

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