- I already know the answer, but for the love of God why can’t this just be a half-hour show?  Damn almighty dollar…

- WOW...I know I say this every episode, but sweet Mother Mary and the whore by the same name, Paula Abdul is crazy the fuck high tonight.  Why is she so shiny?  Why is she bouncing in her seat and clapping literally like a seal or a child who just got told that they don’t have to do nappy time, but instead gets to eat cupcakes all day?  SO.  HIGH.

- 32 million votes.

- Recap time.  Holy Fast Forward Batman!  This saves me like 10 minutes.  Then the group song, so there’s another three or four gone.  Commercials!

- I just realized how much less manscaped and metrosexual Seacrest is this year.  No highlights?  Less colors and more traditional sport coats and so forth.  The fact that I noticed it at all does not speak well for my own hetero-ocity.  Perhaps the fact that I was the guy who tried to get Pickler to show her varginia offsets this metro-ness?

- Phil Stacey - safe.  Duh.  Chris Sligh - safe.  Also ah-duh.  Sundance Head - safe.  He earned it this week.  Blake Lewis - safe.  Jared Cotter - made to stand, but safe.  Nick Pedro is going home.  Yay!  Donna and I both called him.  And now I can fast forward through the song I didn’t like the first time.  I will make this a half-hour show if it kills me!

- Ladies are up.  Stephanie Edwards - safe.  Gina Glocksen - she shouldn’t be safe, but...she’s safe.  There goes Donna’s other female prediction.  Sabrina Sloan - safe.  Melinda Doolittle - so friggin’ safe.  Alaina Alexander - going home!  Heh.  I done told your ass.  You may not be ready to make nice, but neither are we.  Plus you sucked.  Bye!  Donna and I both called her as well.  Annnnnd - fast forward.

- Kellie Pickler.  HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THOSE GIANT-ASS TITTIES COME FROM?  Simon can barely contain himself. 

Seacrest: “Have you uhh, spent your money on anything since you’ve left us?”
Pickler: “Shoes...yeah..imagine that.”
Seacrest: ”Just shoes?”

Nope.  These, too:

OK, I heard maybe 90 seconds of her “Daddy/and or Momma you suck” song.  She sounds nice and all...and I suppose that if you like this stuff, it’s as good as any other misery-based country song, but I just don’t identify.  All I know is with those cans, she should do Playboy right before everyone forgets her name.  Moving on.

- Chris Richardson - safe.  Brandon Rogers - Safe.  Donna loses that one.  Sanjaya and AJ are left, and they stand. You know what?  Either way we win.  AJ goes home.  Sanjaya skates through again.  He looks truly surprised and dumbfounded!  I really think he thought he was going home.

Paula said something weird about it being a singing competition and tonight doesn’t reflect that.  Randy said he was surprised since AJ “blew it out.” See, the thing is, AJ weirded everyone out by doing a Nathan Lane impression and singing a Pussycat Dolls arrangement of the song.  It was all a bit much.  It was too camp, way too drag revue and not enough heartfelt singing.  See ya.

- Ladies - Lakisha Jones - safe.  Haley Scarnato - safe.  Crap!  Antonella Barba, Leslie Hunt and Jordin Parks are asked to stand.  Antonella is safe - duh!  VFTW in the hizzy.  Jordin is obviously the safe one here.  Aaaannnnd - Leslie goes home.

I was 2 for 2 on the ladies and 1 for 2 on the guys.  Donna went 1 for 1 on both.

- When asked if the right people are going home, Simon laughed and said no, but this is American Idol.  It’s the VFTW shit...Antonella has no business being here.  Even Alaina did better than her last night.  Sanjaya has no business being here.  But Sanjaya has hair and Antonella has the backing of people who are deliberately trying to screw up the show. “You’ve got to vote for the people you want to see stay.” And we get the exit video, with the inappropriate Daughtry song that just doesn’t work at all here...and then we fast forward to the end and delete!  All gone go bye bye.

STOP VOTING FOR ANTONELLA AND SANJAYA.  Neither one can sing, and that is all that should really matter.

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- Will we be mentioning the Barba situation, Seacrest?  Or have you simply decided to, you know, join the ranks of the crew who need to visit the clinic?  AI has stated they will not let her go, BTW.  Sorry Frenchie! 

- Seacrest: How will the girls be affected by what the guys did last night?” Paula: “They look gorgeous.” Dumbass.

- Gina Glocksen - Dedicating Heart’s “Alone” to her boyfriend.  Don’t sing Ann Wilson unless you can SING Ann Wilson.

Heh...did she just stumble?  She’s like a linebacker in that dress.  Until now - you bored me to death...I never really cared until you went sharp.  And now you’re those screaming sharp notes...How do I get you to stop?  How do I get you stop?  STooOOOOOOoOOoP!

This girl wouldn’t know pitch if someone shellacked her boat with it.  I’m way off the Gina Glocksen train.  Randy said only the first half was pitchy, Paula loved it.  Everyone said song choice was good.  Simon mentioned the forced vocal at the end, then once again nails it when he brings up the fact that Gina is dressing like she’s Marilyn Monroe, and the two morons seated to his right don’t understand at all what he’s saying.  Gina was supposed to be edgy, as he put it, and she’s trying to be something she isn’t.  Can someone punch Paula in the fucking mouth every time she says something idiotic?  I hate her.  I think she’s worst than bin Laden.  I’d love to waterboard her.  With acid.

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- Alaina Alexander - Dedicating to her mom, Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready To Make Nice”.  Fuck Natalie Maines and her big stupid mouth.  Not for the Bush thing, but for all her “we’re the victims” bullshit posturing afterward.  You know, how she spent that past two years doing thousands of interviews and TV shows telling everyone how she was being silenced?  Irony is lost on idiots like that I suppose.  Stupid cow.  Anyway...Alaina.  She’s dedicating this to her mom.  Here’s why her song choice is stupid even if she nails it - 50% of the audience just spit at their TVs.  You have to be some kind of dumbass to pick this track for that reason alone.

She is lost behind the band and the background singers...then when she comes out of the chorus she seems...lost.  She’s rushing, breathy...her voice sounds OK, but she’s not giving a very good performance.  Bleh.  And fuck Natalie Maines and her whiny, pissy little lyrics.

Randy says - The first couple bars were good...then it went off key, he called it a mess.  Paula says it was pitchy as well, but then has to make nice.  Simon said that Alaina’s singing would be like Randy taking part in a hundred meter sprint.  3/4 of the way through the race he would run out of steam, and that’s what she did.

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- Lakisha Jones - Gladys Knight, “Midnight Train to Georgia” dedicated to her grandmother, 90 year old Ruth.  Ruth loves Seacrest.  Gramma, he don’ like girls. :)

She’s pulling WAY back.  Why?  LET GO!  Fuck those other girls if they can’t hang with you.  She broke out a couple times, but man...I wanted to see her blow it.  I swear, either she was told to pull back or she’s doing it herself to avoid the jealous catty bitch reaction she got last week.  She’s great.  Nothing else to say.

Randy - That was hot, it started rough she was nervous but turned it up and that was hot.  Paula - “Don’t forget, you’re Lakisha.  The woo-hoo.” (big rig horn arm motion.) “The woo-hoo” with the big rig horn motion?  What the fuck was that?  Is she saying Big Momma is a tractor-trailer?  Simon says - she’s great, but this wasn’t as good as last week, it lacked attitude.  He didn’t like her clothes either, he said it was distracting.  Yeah, I can see that.  The outfit does look a little “Hookers on the Point” for AI.

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- Melinda Doolittle - “My Funny Valentine” she’s dedicating it to two of her friends.  She has a little book to tell her what to wear.  Umm...this is an awfully romantic song to be dedicating to two friends.  Is Melinda telling us something?  Sure would make her stand out more...group lesbianism can only be a selling point. ;)

She’s doing everything possible to make this a recording.  By that I mean it’s like you could press this performance on disc and start selling it tomorrow morning.  About a hundred people cover this song every year...I’ve heard maybe one or two in my LIFE I liked.  I LOVE this...she simply turned.  It.  Out.  We got a fight on our hands here - Lakisha and Melinda as the final two?

Randy says she came out to win it.  She’s the one to beat - “you and Lakisha.” Paula said it was astounding and complimented her phrasing...holy shit, Paula Abdul maid a legitimate observation that no one else made first!  She’s right, it was on-melody yet unique.  Simon says “That...was incredible.  I think for me, without question the best vocal we’ve had throughout the competition.” “You don’t know how good you are, and I don’t think you’d change if you did well.” Agreed.

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- Antonella Barba - Celine Dion“Because You Love Me”.  All Antonella jokes aside, this girl simply does NOT have the skills or the pipes to sing any song for which Celine has ever walked by the sheet music much less released on an album.  Now back to the jokes.  She’s dressed like a go-go dancer.  She’s dedicating the song to her “brothah,” Vincenzo.  Let me guess.  Her uncle is named Anthony, and they all pronounce it “Ant-innee”.  Her mom is Marie, Anna-Maria or Antoinette, and if it’s Antionette, they pronounce it “Ant-ih-net.” Half my people are these people, and they are nothing of not predictably gombaah-ish.

You know what would rule?  If it was her brother that leaked all these pics.  :)

Oh my god.  Does she plan to pick a key?  And it just gets worse and worse.  I bet she’s gone her whole life without ever hearing that she’s not good enough.  Well, she did hit that one high note.  Then she laid off the falsetto at the end of the chorus and TOTALLY let the background singers take it.  Pussy.  She’s the weakest female singer up here so far.

Randy says “On the positive side, you’re a drop-dead gorgeous girl...” Yeah, that means you sounded like dogshit, sister.  “Completely the wrong song, too big, pitch all over.” Paula of course needs to be liked.  “You made leaps and bounds over last week.” Simon said she was worse than last week.  He might be right.  None of it matters.  Get used to seeing her, Simon.  VFTW is your enemy.

This stupid cow just said she was going to listen to Paula because Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson.  1. You can’t carry Jennifer Hudson’s tampon string you talentless whore.  You don’t deserve to compare yourself to a truck stop waitress humming ”9 to 5” much less JHud.  2. I hope the fans hate you so much for this they overcome the VFTW shit - the only reason your whore ass is still on my TV is because some website thinks it’s funny to watch you ruin the show week in and week out.  Because you SUCK.

Simon made the point that Jennifer Hudson was voted off.  He didn’t have anything to do with it.

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- Jordin Sparks - Christina Aquilera, “Reflection” from Mulan, dedicated to her younger brother.  I always hate it when these girls sing Disney songs.  They’re so saccharine and pulpy and thick with cliche and they almost always suck.  So I’ll put aside my hatred for Disney music and just concentrate on how she sounds.

I guess she did good.  I can’t tell.  It’s just a lot of hard notes and loudness.  Nothing seemed off or anything.  It seemed about as passion-filled as a night with Walt’s frozen corpse, considering how emotional she is over it...but hey...what do I know.  Except that I hate Disney music.

Randy said not her best but really good.  Paula doesn’t talk about her singing at all just about how nice she is.  God I hate her.  Simon agreed with Randy, not her best but great compared to others...at 17 she has limitless potential.

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- Green (red) room - Seacrest - “Is it catty?” Stephanie: No.  No one buys that.  Y’all are, as I have previously stated, some catty bitches.

- Stephanie Edwards - “Dangerously In Love” from Beyonce.  Dedicated to mom & dad who pushed her to audition.

Donna: “Love the dress!” Me: “Looks like a nightgown.” Christ I hate modern R&B.  TOO MANY WORDS FOR THE AMOUNT OF SPACE IN THE SONG.  She’s working it, though.  I guess, I don’t know the shit-tastic song, so she could be laying a huge fart on Beyonce’s legacy for all I know.  Oh God this song just gets worse and worse.  It seems to have been written by a dyslexic monkey with attention deficit disorder and a thesaurus.  She sang pretty good.

I think I hate Beyonce.

Randy says - pluses were you look hot and you sang your face off.  minus is that she apparently did a Beyonce copy.  So...I guess that is the song and I definitely hate beyonce.  Hey, am I crazy or did Paula get her lips done?  They look HUGE!  On to Simon - he agreed with Paula.  I’m not even sure what Paula said.  Simon liked it.

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- Leslie Hunt - She’s doing “Feeling Good”, the same song AJ Tabaldo did yesterday. Sure.  OK.  Whatever.  Another dead grandfather dedication!  I really can’t stand to hear her speak.  It’s like she’s always eating sausage or something.

At least she’s not a guy doing a girl group version of this song.  I still can’t stand her singing though.  OH!  I just got who she looks like.

Her?  Really?

Anyway, the singing.  You know, if she were prettier, if she was wearing a slinky dress and was draped over a piano at 2 AM and I was half-shitfaced on rye and smoking a Dominican cigar...I might think she wasn’t half bad.  Now?  As I watch her herer?  I long for AJ Tabaldo’s version.  Not great.

Randy said it was pitchy.  Paula of course loved it.  Simon said Paula loved it because the nonsense scatting at the end sounded like Paula talking.  Yeah, that’s about right.  :) He said that she’s getting lost behind 3 or 4 big voices.  No one will remember her.  Paula said she was a different flavor of ice cream.

Seacrest: “How was her voice?”
Simon: “We’ve had 4 raspberry ripples tonight and she was vanilla, using Paula’s analogy”
Paula: “He’s frozen sour pickle juice and I would never have that” NO ONE CARE WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE SO SHUT THE FLAPS ON YORU FACE THE HELL UP.

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- Haley Scarnato - Crackney Houston, “Queen of the Night” Haley is dedicating her performance to her boyfriend who isn’t “good with her being away.” That’s code for “He’s a douchebag who thinks I’m out screwing every night and the truth is he gave me the herp, chlamydia and two different strains of HPV last year.” Also, she’s not good with being away from him.  For the same reasons.  :)

Umm.  The song is about six sizes too big for her.  She REALLY thinks she’s that girl, that HUGE voice like a Lakisha or Melinda.  She’s not.  The performance is totally karaoke.  It’s the kind of thing you might see at a karaoke bachelorette party.  Complete waste of time.

Randy says - “The thing I never liked about that song is there are more background parts than lead vocal parts” - Simon interrupts and says “That’s why she chose it.” Heh.  Randy says “It wasn’t great for me.” Paula of course said it was better than last week and personality but NOTHING ABOUT THE SINGING.  Simon gave her an A for effort, it was manic verging on insane.  Vocally she came out bad on the comparison to Whitney.  Simon made her cry.  Big meanie (who told the truth).

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- Sabrina Sloan - Crackney Houston number two, “All The Man That I Need” and it’s dedicated to Grammy.  Sabrina still reminds me of a porn star that I can’t place.  Also, weird sond to sing to Gramma, but again, what do I know.

Well, she’s mostly on key this week, but still doing a Christina impression.  I mean, like she studies the way Christina Aguilera sings and tries to do exactly that.  But she’s not good enough...she might be a half-decent singer, but until she stops copy-catting Christina, I’ll never be able to tell.

Randy said very nice, some pitchiness, big ol’ voice.  Paula again talked about her and not the singing.  Simon reminded her not to confuse power with shouting.  Yeah, she does that.  He said she’d be back next week.

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- Recap clarified it - Melinda was the singer of the night.  Also, most of the girls, even the weaker ones, are whole orders of magnitude better than the guys.

Bottom two: It should be Antonella and Leslie.  It will probably be Leslie and Alaina.  Donna picks Gina and Alaina...I’d hedge a bet with Gina.  Two of those three are going down.

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- Yeah, all of a sudden JHud is “ours.” Win an Oscar, get AI’s respect.

- We’re dedicating our performances to the people that inspire us.  I predict Antonella Barba will be inspired by the scene in BASEketball where Jenny McCarthy sucks the actual chrome off an actual trailer hitch.

- Phil Stacey is up first.  He’s dedicating this to Navy Band Southeast.  He joined up after 9/11.  He’s singing John Waite’s ”Missing You.” It’s simply boring.  From top to bottom.  For one second toward the end he was barely alive.  Total snoozefest.

Randy says - it was hot.  No it wasn’t.  Paula says - Paula says his tone is great and she could hear him right nowe on the radio

Simon says - “I’m not jumping out of my chair.” His voice is unoriginal, the bit at the end was OK, but nothing unique.  I wholeheartedly agree, Phil has it in him to do better than this.  Which is why Simon is riding his ass like this.  Also song choice was not good for his voice.  Simon went on to say his likability would bring him back.  Also agreed

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- Seacrest - “Sundance, let me ask you, what were people talking about over the weekend...” Umm, Antonella Barba sucking cock, Ryan, why do you ask?  Sundance said that people said for him to not be so crappy.  At least he knows it.

- Jared Cotter. ”Let’s Get It On,” Marvin Gaye.  This song requires soul, playfullness, sex appeal and great control.  I’m not sure he’s got enough to do it justice.  He’s dedicating this to his dad.  I get it, because of the video they showed, but dedicating ”Let’s Get It On” to your dad is weird.

Wow, he’s doing a really nice job here.  He’s got the playful side down, he found the sex appeal in the song...really an excellent rendition.  I take it back, he;s got the chops for it.  The arrangement was bad, the bridge had no business being there, but he did a great job.  Much better than I expected.  I kind of want to sleep with him now.

Randy says - It was a little pitchy, but he loved the face move.  “Paula did you love it, the face move?” “Maybe when Jared does it!” Drunky slurs and giggles and gets all a drippy wet puddle of vag juice and she’s incapable of speech.  Simon takes over and says it reminded him of “The Love Boat.” “It was a bit corny in parts.” Yeah, but you kind of have to be a little Tom Jones corny when you sing that song to Paula “Snail Trail” Abdul.  He did great.

Donna raised a good point - for one reason or another, be it the performance or the fact that he reduced Paula to a quivering mass or made everyone start talking about doing it, you will remember Jared Cotter tonight.  Excellent point.  He’s made himself stand out, and moistened some panties in the process.

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- AJ Tabaldo. Dedicating it to mom & dad.  ”Feeling Good.” I vaguely remember this song, and Roger Waters covered this once.  Hmm.  Roger Waters has underwear older than AJ.  Why are all these young kids picking old songs?  Could it be that the last ten years have resulted in horrible shit being put out as “pop” music?  Gee, I wonder.

Sure, he can sing, I guess.  But that band...dear god.  They can make anything sound awful.  Simon will call this cabaret, and it seems like a song a drag queen should sing.  It’s coming off with that fierce “The Birdcage” vibe.  He sang it well, but why is he singing it and why is the band playing it like it’s the Pussycat Dolls version?  Horrible song choice.

Randy says - “it was so much better than last week.” “Kinda nice.” Paula says - props to the band?  WTF?  Simon says - “That was nearly very good.” OK.  I guess I’m the only one that saw Nathan Lane.  WAIT...Simon said “You look strangely comfortable doing that.” and Randy wanted to know why.  Simon replies “Don’t go there.” which is code for “The kid’s a drag queen, Randy.  Get a clue.” I think he saw the Nathan Lane.

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- Sanjaya Malakar. WHAT.  IS.  HE.  WEARING?  His performance is dedicated to his grandfather who is dead.  First he plays the sister card last week, now he plays the dead grandpa card.  Oh Jesus.  This works on you middle-aged female Clay Aiken fans doesn’t it?  You just want to love him and cuddle him and scoop him up and eat him up!  He’s singing an old Irving Berlin number ”Steppin’ Out.” Are you kiddiing me?  If this kid looked like Chris Sligh and sang this crappily no one would care if he was hit by a bus much less voted off the show.  STOP VOTING FOR HAIR, LADIES.  Sanjaya really doesn’t reciprocate your love.  BTW, if he does the Fred Astaire hat toss I will kill him with my bare hands. 

Good lord this is not boring, it’s a train wreck.  This kid has all the passion of a piece of wet cardboard.  Cardboard that was wetted by bum urine.  Bad notes, horrible performance, no passion, the walking dead dance moves...garbage.  Worst.  Astaire.  Ripoff.  Ever.  Thank God he didn’t throw the hat.

Randy says - “Listen Man, God, you know look, you’re a nice kid, I like you, but this was really weird for me, it was like a bad high school talent show like you borrowed your dad’s hat, it really didn’t work for me it was not good, it was really weak.” AGREED.  Nothing more to say.  Of course Paula will have to find something nice to say so everyone loves her..."You sang on pitch.  You can’t say pitchy...” No, he wasn’t.  he was flat all over the place.  This year Paula only seems to hear sharps and not flats.  I think her hearing is degenerating, and that’s not a joke or an insult.  The kid was flat all over the place.  Then Simon tries to get Paula to admit in plain language that she did not like the performance - she doesn’t.  She’s so desperate to be liked.

Simon likened it to some horrible family lunch where after the meal the parents ask the kids to play dress-up and sing for the family.  Heh.  Pretty much.  “I don’t get why you did that.” Paula of course smells a chance to be liked a little more and tells him to tell us why - whereupon he promptly trots out his dead grandfather for sympathy again.

I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DEAD GRANDFATHER.  I care that you suck as a singer and I want you off my TV.

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- Chris Sligh. Song is dedicated to his wife, Sarah.  His wife is kind of a hottie...hot chick with a douchebag time!  I kid, I kid.  I’m living that dream myself.  :) He’s singing the Ray Lamontagne ”Trouble.” He’s killing it (in a good way!) as expected.  Well, not in the middle, because the song itself doesn’t really allow it, but he brought the end.  Not a mind-blowing performance, but good, easy, smooth, effortless...he’s better than those we’ve seen so far tonight.

Randy says it was nice to see him bring it and he liked it.  Paula said he was a wee bit fast and a teeny bit pitchy...but good.  Simon says - Very good.  he was weirded out by the title but the lyrics made sense.

Chris - “Well I have been saved by a woman.”
Simon - “So have I” Simon, he meant for more than a week at a time.  :)

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- Nick Pedro. ”Fever.” Oh no.  Peggy Lee, Elvis Presley or Michael Buble’s version?  Any way he goes it will suck.  What a lovely way to get voted off.  He’s dedicating it to his girlfriend Caitlin (Kaitlyn?).  Evs.

Hard to tell who he’s copying...the arrangement is old 60s jazz but his vocal is both dead and sharp at the same time.  Not good at all.  He look like he’s having a proctology exam up there - totally uncomfortable.  I have never been as happy to see my DVR do an audio dropout.

Bad.  Donna notices Simon keeping time to see if Nick was ahead or behind on the lyric.  He was both.

Randy says - Pitchy and he was rushing, but it was nice to see him return to his vibe.  Wow, I guess that anyone who is even minorly improved from last week’s horrorshow gets full honors this week.  Paula says “Can I have sex with you?  I’m still wet from Jared and at my age that’s not gonna happen every day.” What she actually said was she loves his tone.  Let go and go for it.  Simon says - He was good, but it lacked charisma, and the drummer was very good.  He critiqued Nick’s clothes, and he was right, and of course the morons all team up to try to mock him for it.  he was right, people, Nick looks like an insurance salesman tonight.

Kaitlynne (Catelyn?  Katelin?) is here in the audience - Donna noted that unlike Chris with his wife, Nick did not sing to his girlfriend.  Girls notice these things...Nick is looking for the BBD already.

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- Blake Lewis. Jamiroquai’s ”Virtual Insanity.” Seems like a good match for him.  He’s dedicating it to his mom & dad.

It’s good - he sounds good, but something is wrong.  Is it the look on his face?  He looks a bit terrified.  He threw the dj scratching bit in with his mouth.  I know it’s gimmicky but it’s still freaking cool.  He hit the false perfectly...it was a great performance.  Maybe the terrified look was his nerves about throwing in all the beatboxing and whatnot?  Anyway, I hear maybe one bad note...good show.  This kid’s got more than they showed us in rehearsal/Hollywood week.

Randy says it’s so good to see him doing his thing.  “I like you man.” Paula liked it.  Simon says he’s gonna disagree, the first bit was copycat, the second bit was good but the third bit of the song his tuning went.  I totally disagree with Simon.  I think on playback he’ll have a different opinion.  I think he sang this song like a white soul Stevie Wonder wannabe singing Jamiroquai, which can be tricky because Jamiroquai is a white guy doing Stevie Wonder.  :) Anyway, he tried to bring it back to a more Stevie Wonder vibe, and then went totally original with the beatbox/scratching/scatting part.  I think Simon just did not get this one.

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- Brandon Rogers. ”Time After Time.” Oh dear God NO.  No.  Don’t cover Cyndi Lauper, dude.  Dedicated to his dead grandmother.

No.  It’s not good.  Just delaying your phrasing is NOT MAKING IT YOUR OWN, it’s just screwing up the melody.  The chorus sucks too.  He’s flat, sharp, off key...dead...emotionless...I guess he hated his grandma.  It’s the only thing I can think of.  Terrible.

Randy says he liked the sentiment, but it didn’t do anything for him vocally.  It was boring. - Brandon interrupts and says he was trying to put his heart into the song and it didn’t need a lot of extra.  See?  I told you, he hated his grandmother.  Or, he’s dead inside.  Moving on.
Paula says, of course, that she liked it and it didn’t need to be oversung.  I would like to correct a theory of mine about Paula.  I often accuse her of saying the same things as whoever speaks first.  That’s not it.  She just agrees - most of the time - with whatever the last thing she heard was.  In this case, it was Brandon saying he didn’t feel the song needed to be over-sung, and she just parroted that back to him.

Paula Abdul is like a goldfish - she only has about 23 seconds of memory.  (Yes, I know Mythbusters proved that a fallacy but still.  It’s true for Paula!)

Simon asks if we could take this back to a singing competition.  He told Brandon the “feeling it nonsense” doesn’t work.  You have to show us you’re a good singer.

A judge’s job is not to be liked by the contestants, it’s to give an honest opinion on the skill and technique the contestants display in any given performance.  Could someone teach the Goldfish that fact?

Oh good GOD.  What a cheap ploy - Brandon said he had to walk out with his ears plugged so he wouldn’t break down crying over his own dedication to his grandmother.  Fuck you, dude.  Sanjaya already played that card, it’s out of the game.  One dead grandparent manipulation per episode.  You fake fuck.  Then he wishes his father a happy birthday and Simon calls him out - “By the way, my mum’s birthday in November - why not mention it.” Exactly, Simon.  He saw right through that cheap shit. 

Brandon “I though we were doing dedications?”
Simon “How about we all dedicate something?  And I like puppies.” Ha.  Simon’s got this fake’s number.

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- Chris Richardson. ”Geek In The Pink” by Jason Mraz?  Don’t know it.  Another grandmother dedication.  This one is still alive, so less of a heart-string tug attempt.

One problem is I can barely hear him over the band.  I assume that is the TV sound mixer’s problem.  He’s just a poor man’s Justin Timberlake.  I suppose you could do a few million records for a couple of years on him, but every time one of the real guys that do this - the boyband-ish hip-hoppy pop stuff - comes out with a new record, he’d be forgotten in a heartbeat.

Bad notes there.  Lots of them toward the end.  The bopping makes me want to give him a sedative.  His entire gimmick is trying to be Justin Timberlake.  That job is filled, Chris.  Thanks for stopping by and we’ll keep your application on file in case anything opens up.

Randy says - Chris is in it to win it.  Are they hearing something in studio that we aren’t?  That was crap.  Paula wonders why he did that for his grandmother.  Simon called him best tonight by a mile?  WTF?  I guess my ears are broken.

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- Sundance Head to close.  Will he stink the place up?  Will it matter since he’s VoteForTheWorst’s pick?  No guy inspires enough loyalty for the fans to rebel against VFTW’s power...so expect to see Sundance in the finals even if he comes out here and sings the mighty mouse theme song in the Latka from Taxi voice.  He’s dedicating it to his son, who is newborn and he hasn’t seen.  Then he cries over missing him.  I don’t feel manipulated by it, I think he really is missing his baby.  So...let him go home, people.  I’m calling VFTW to switch to Sanjaya if they need to ruin the show.  Let Sundance go home to his life.

He’s singing ”Mustang Sally.” Now, if he can bring the skill he showed once, long ago...this could be the perfect choice.  Or it could be his downfall.  Let’s watch!

I would like to beat the band about the head and face for this arrangement.  However, he’s sort of singing it well.  Some parts are good, when he gets really excited.  When he has to sing?  I mean actually sing?  He can’t do it.  He’s ONLY good at the top of his lungs.  He needs to stick to songs that are high energy rock/blues or can be sung that way.  Song choice is paramount with this guy.  I don’t want to get too excited by what is really only a 3/4 good performance though...it’s only great when compared to how much he sucked before.  Also, Mustang Sally is infectious - the Muppets could be doing it and rock the house, so there’s that.  He doesn’t deserve to get kicked off this week though.  He’s redeemed himself for now.

Randy says “Welcome back Sundance.” “That’s the reason you’re here.” Paula says “You gotta bring it like that every week.” Simon is glad that he’s back, but let’s not get too carried away - the song carried him, and he could do better.

Sounds familiar.  1-866-IDOLS-10

- Recap.  Again, only Jared, Blake and Chris Sligh did really well IMHO.  Followed by Sundance.  I predict Nick and Sanjaya as bottom two.  Donna says Nick and Brandon.  Can I cover my bet with a box on Brandon?  :) Any two of these three deserve to go home.

Tomorrow - the ladies.  Not a lot of point...but they’ll go through the motions anyway.  :)

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32 million votes.

- Wow, Paula’s SO high.  You could extract all the drugs from the flesh of Britney, Lindsay and Paris, plus the body of Anna Nicole and it wouldn’t equal the amount of opiates in Paula Abdul’s system right now.  William S. Burroughs called her last week to say he was concerned with the amount of drugs she.s on.

For the umpteenth bajillion time in the last 24 hours, we’re treated to the opinion that the girls did better than the guys.  Now...we all know that if we watched the shows.  Why do I need multiple segments on the results show to tell me that again?  We’re on the second segment - the first was the live chatter, and the second was a produced package.  OK.  I GET IT.  This show could easily be a half hour if you cut the crap.

OH GOD GROUP SONG.  And they’re ruining Tears For Fears song.  FUCK YOU, IDOL.  This is why God invented fast-forward.  I hate, with the passion of, say, a Spartan Warrior facing down a Persian, these group songs.

- Sligh just kissed some Cowell ass.  Smart boy.  The row they just called up includes Paul Kim.  DEAR GOD PLEASE LET HIM NOT BE SAFE.

Brandon Rogers - safe.  VoteForTheWorst saved Sundance Head.  Chris Richardson - safe.  Nick Pedro - Safe.  Blake Lewis- Safe Paul Kim is OUTTA HERE!  YES!  That’s what I wanted to see.  Get your gimmicky bare feet the hell off my TV.

Once again I’d like to voice my complaint and confusion at how they handle this.  Paul Kim was just voted the least favorite male performer in the group.  America hates him.  We want to see him gone.  So how do they respond?  By umm...making us watch him sing the same song that we hated the first time.

THIS SHOW COULD BE A HALF-HOUR IF YOU CUT THIS SHIT OUT, FOX!  Again, my fast-forward works, so…

- I caught something again - All the girls are holding hands, pushed up on each other, etc...no one is touching LaKisha.  Straight.  Bitches.  Jealous and catty whores to a woman.  Fuck all of them.  Except maybe Melinda Doolittle.  She seems nice.

Antonella is at the end of the line, last time that was the one going home...could we be so lucky?  Somehow I don’t think the Gods will bless me so.

Jordin Sparks - safe.  Stephanie Edwards- safe.  Sabrina Sloan - safe.  Leslie Hunt - safe.  Melinda Doolittle - Safe.  Antonella is fucking safe.  I CURSE VOTE FOR THE WORST DOT COM!  FROM HELL’S HEART I WILL STAB AT THEE!

Amy gets called up solo and gets the boot.  She looks like she just got kicked in the mouth.  Fast-forward!  If we liked her, we’d have voted for her.

- The American Idol Challenge - If you have a cell, you answer a question.  If you win, you get 10 grand.  The question is pretty stupid, and it costs 99 cents to enter.  What Idol’s album is named Breakaway?  So basically they are going to make a profit off the text message charges from people who don’t go to the Idol website ad enter for free.

- Could I care less about Fantasia?  This is just filler so they can sell more ad ti////OH MY GOD did Ryan Seacrest just cut Quincy fucking Jones off when he was trying to explain what The Color Purple was about?  Dude, even I know that’s frigging disrespectful and I crap all over this show like it was being filmed in the bottom of my toilet.

The song seems to be from the point of view of the Whoopie Goldberg character from the movie.  The problem is it’s a terrible song.  Broadway doesn’t have to suck.  Why don’t people write decent songs anymore?  This song may as well just be reading straight from the script.  There’s no artistry to the lyrics.  There’s no lyricism, no metaphor, nothing.  It’s just freaking literally Celie’s lines from the movie!

Meh. Crapular.

- The remaining 5 ladies are lined up.  Haley Scarnato - safe.  LaKisha Jones - Winner.  Also, safe.  Gina Glocksen - safe.  Alaina Alexander and Nicole Tranquillo are left.  Kick either one off and I’m happy.

Nicole Tranquillo gets kicked.  Good.  I hate that fake black soul shit she does.  Time to go back home and keep pissing off your grandmother by dating the brothas, you big pile of fake.  No one cares what Paula Abdul thinks about your stupid voice.  Fast-forward.

- Final 6 dudes.  Chris Sligh - safe.  Phil Stacey - safe.  Jared Cotter - safe.  AJ Tabaldo - safe.  Could it be?  Could the Indian Lief Garrett be going home?  Is Sanjaya Malakar leaving?  Naww...the ladies love that hair.  I gues sthey can’t tell he doesn’t reciprocate that attraction…

Anyway, the Hispanic Happy Gilmore goes home. Rudy Cardenas, get to steppin.  Now we fast-forward the montage at the end, fast-forward his song and...we’re done. Oh look, it only took a half-hour to watch!  Fuck you, Fox.

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- Recap last night.  Once more - fast forward.

- OK, STOP TALKING TO THE JUDGES.  JUST STOP TALKING.  Oh crap, after all this now we get the recap of all 12 ladies.  Fast forward!  Good God how did we watch TV before the Digital Video Recorder?

- Stephanie Edwards.  She’s singing Alicia Keys’ How Come You Don’t Call Me.  By the way, those MMMMs?  They’re in the lyrics.  She’s totally comfortable up there, and her voice sounds great.  I don’t like this song at all but she’s singing the crap right out of it.  Damn....she can wail.  I just...don’t care.  It’s probably song choice.  At least the show started in a positive way. 

Randy loved it and kind of warned the guys. Paula called her a star.  Simon said she was a million times better than any performance last night.  “It looks as if you came out and said ‘I want to win American Idol.’” Yeah, I can see that.  I just think I don’t like Alicia Keys songs.  I’ll wait until next week to form an opinion on her.

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- Why does the Coke-sponsored “VIP Room” have a table made from a car tire?

- Amy Krebs is up next.  She’s singing Bonnie Raitt’sI Can’t Make You Love Me.  The melody seems wrong, but as I listen I get the impression it’s not Amy’s fault - it’s that God-awful American Idol band.  They SUCK.  They have always sucked, but this year they seem worse than ever.  Lord how I miss The House Band from Rockstar.  Anyway.  Probably a good song choice for her voice.  The ladies really are leaps and bounds above the guys.  Ooops...one bad note there.  OK, see?  The chorus melody is off but the band is WAY off. 

I’m trying to get into this but I just can’t connect at all.  She’s technically great, but I felt *nothing*.  No one but Bonnie should sing her music - every time someone tries they lose that soul and passion Bonnie Raitt always brings to mediocre songs.  Bonnie isn’t the best singer - but she’s a passionate singer.  Makes a difference when the material isn’t stellar.

All that having been said - she was better than every guy last night but Phil.  And there are still ten more women to go.  Randy says: middle of the road and safe.  Here comes Paula agreeing with the first thing she hears.  Simon says he can’t remember her, and she has the personality of a candle - “You’re just like, this thing that sings and two singers later I’m gonna forget you.” Simon is, once again, correct.

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- Leslie Hunt - I don’t remember ever seeing her before.  Am I crazy?  In her recap, her speaking voice drives me crazy.  I can’t tell you why but I can’t stand to hear her speak.  I hope that throat/swallowed a golf ball/tone thing doesn’t translate to her singing.

She’s doing You Make Me Feel (Like A Natural Woman).  Jiminy H. Christmas what the hell is she doing to it?  This fucking sucks and I want to punch this natural suckfest in the face.  Bitch, this is ARETHA!  What the fuck are you doing to Aretha?  Have you no R.E.S.P.E.C.T.?  Her weird voice was lost in the song until she started screaming.  Terrible.  Now...here’s the weird part:  When she hits the big ending, the scratch in her voice?  Pure Bonnie Raitt.  She shoulda switched song with Amy Krebs.

I did not enjoy anything about that except her fuck-me boots.  Randy picked up that the song is way too big for her.  “It was just OK.” Of course stupid fuck says she did great.  Patronizing twit.  Simon points out, in a roundabout way, that she seems uncomfortable and ungainly, out of her comfort zone (which is walking dogs as that is her profession).  Randy doesn’t get it.

Seacrest actually understood Simon - that’s because he was right.  Then Randy does his Arsenio Hall rip-off and yells about the dawg pound.  Some days I just want to slap him.

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- Sabrina Sloan is next.  Another professional singer.  Guys, help me out.  She looks like a porn star that I can’t place.

Her song is I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You).  Another Aretha track.  Here’s the thing - I don’t like this girl’s shrill voice.  It grates on my last nerve.  She thinks she’s a great R&B singer, and if she keeps it quiet she’s good, but whenever she reaches for a high or a loud note, that shrill tone comes in and I hate hate HATE it.  I realize I might be alone in this, because she can sing, but when I want that kind of singing, I’ll go to Christina, you know?  Christina can hit those notes without that shrill factor.  If anything she’s a second-rate Aguilera.  We don’t need a second-rate Christina Aguilera, we already have a first-rate Christina Aguilera.

Randy says she’s the one to beat.  Good for him.  Drunky gives her a one woman standing ovation.  Simon says it was the best so far.  Clearly this is just me not liking that tone.  Hey, everybody has preferences.  She’s not mine.

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- Antonella Barba.  Good God I can’t stand this vapid little shit.  Here, just because it embarrasses her and her fucking fans (yes, even Bridge & Tunnel whores have fans) go apeshit when they see it, and I hate them too:

That’s Antonella on the toilet.  Classy.  Like the rest of New Jersey.  Her song choice is Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing.  Antonella?  You’re missing a lot of things.  Like passion.  Emotion.  Umm...life.  She’s making this sound like the soundtrack to a funeral.  And what’s with the Chairway to Heaven open?  Get up.  Oh Lord...as if there weren’t enough things about her that piss me off, she has a vibrato that is just intrusive and obnoxious.  Plus she doesn’t grasp the concept of enunciation.  You have to be able to do it right before you can “rock & roll” do it wrong.

Donna raises a good point - Diane Warren wrote this song for Aerosmith and she’s friends with Simon.  He’s always harder on people that pick Diane Warren songs.

What a bad note on that last instance of the word “time.” Not.  Good.  VoteForTheWorst is totally going to pick her.  I’m tape-delayed so lemme check.  HA!  Told you.  This slag sucks.  At cock and at singing.  What she needs to do is find out the name of the club they shoot those Soprano’s Bada Bing scenes at and try to get a job there.  Nice rack, bad voice.

Randy says:  “I gotta keep it real, it was really pitchy it was really bland it really wasn’t great.” Paula of course can’t tell the truth without trying to be liked, so she compliments her looks.  Simon: “Well the good news is you’re attractive.” Why doesn’t he just flat-out call Paula he also said it would damage her chances for making it to next week - Sorry Simon, you may be right in theory, but the spoilers are out to make you listen to this dippy twit for a few more weeks at least.

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- Jordin Sparks.  “I don’t know if I wanna change Simon’s opinion, because he’s usually right in what he says.” You know what?  Seacrest tries to start so much shit with Simon, and of course Drunky McPillhead can’t go a week without being obnoxious about letting him speak his mind - but: the singers really only give a shit about what Simon says.  Period.  If the show had one judge: Simon Cowell - things wouldn’t change much.  Back to Jordin’s song.  It’s Tracy Chapman, Gimme One Reason.  I’ve always wanted to hear a better singer sing a Tracy Chapman song...she’s a good songwriter but I do not enjoy her warbles.  :)

Well, since Jordin doesn’t look anything like a seventeen year old girl, I suppose if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t be weirded out by the way she’s singing, the words that are coming out, etc.  The other problem is that she’s TOTALLY playing it safe.  She’s not even trying.  She’s just casually walking through the song because she knows she can at least outlast some of these other boring chicks, and I gotta tell you, while that may be sound strategy, I don’t like it.  BRING.  IT.

OK, now she’s raising the energy on the chorus and the big finish.  If only she had brought that earlier.  Come on people this is a singing competition not “Who’s got the best hairstyle of the night.” Fucking sing already!  Sing like you are going to get shot in the face with a potato cannon if you don’t blow the doors off this goddamned sound stage.  She’s great though, and she’ll being it in future shows I’m sure.

Randy - “I don’t know if there’s ANY song that’s too big for you, so go for it!” Good comment.  She’s a huge voice and she can sing big crazy stuff like Jim Steinman and Aretha and, well, Diane Warren.  Pilly MC Wiggles - “It was fun.” Simon seems not to have notice the subject matter of the song as he said she picked a song that “was a bit younger.”

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- By the way - Guys?  Most of y’all suck.  You’re lucky they force it to six and six or it’d be three guys and 9 girls in the finals.  And the ladies would probably had you your balls.

- Nicole Tranquillo.  She looks a little like Alanis Morrisette.  Sorry, Nicole, I know that isn’t exactly a compliment...but you are better looking if that helps.  :) She’s doing Chaka Khan?  It’s Stay.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Is.  She.  Doing?  I just heard what I think was six distinct and separate voices, in at least three different octaves.  Holy crap this is almost comical!

Nicole?  You are not a 300 pound black woman.  You don’t sing like one.  Stop making those faces, stop trying to emulate soul singers...in fact stop singing because you suck.

They put this shit-tastic singer through and left OH MY GOD SHE’S HURTING MY EARS.  WHAT THE HELL?  Anyway...they kept Marissa Rhodes off the show and this crap is prancing about on stage making stupid faces and stinking up the place?  Ashlynn Carr almost got cut in her audition for face-making and this waste of air is making stupid eyes and singing like someone stepped on her tail?  Damn.  She.  Sucks.  She’s the first honest-to-goodness bad female.  Even Bridge & Tunnel had some redeeming qualities that weren’t her sweater meats.  Nicole has nothing to offer the music industry.

This is degenerating into a total disaster at the end.  Notes are everywhere.  Randy, Dawg, tell her the truth.  He says “I dunno dawg it wasn’t really workin’ for me.” Of course Ms. Vicodin said “I don’t know many people that could hit the notes that Nicole just hit.” PAULA, NONE OF THEM WERE IN TUNE.

1. Paula’s completely incoherent at this stage.  Much worse than earlier in the show.  She literally can - and I am not joking - barely speak.
2. She just called the hands-down worst performance of the night “out of this world.” Does excessive opiate-based painkiller abuse affect hearing the way heroin and cocaine can?

Simon - “I thought it was indulgent, aggressive it look unnatural...” Also, over-rehearsed.  OK, maybe it’s my ears that are broken because he agreed with PillPopper that “she can sing.” Paula went on to stutter and mumble that Nicole has amazing range and control.  Why the fuck didn’t she show some then?  Randy said “Too urban for you.” Dawg just say it.  IT’S TOO BLACK FOR YOU, WHITE GIRL.  He’s 100% correct there.  As I previously noted. :)

Bet you a hundred bucks she only dates black guys.

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- Haley Scarnato.  Song: Celine Dion, It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.  Meat Loaf just beat that song to death on Bat Out Of Hell III.  Seriously it wasn’t a good cover.  Meats is losing his skills...anyway...Haley.

OK.  She’s amazingly talented.  She has raw power for days.  She has range and control unmatched by most of the folks in this stage of the competition.  However - and this is likely due to a whole host of factors ranging from the fact that the producers beat aggression out of these kids and Simon just finished yelling at someone for being aggressive - Haley missed ALL the raw, naked emotion in this song.  She was technically flawless.  Absolutely pitch perfect - great range, all that.

The only emotion I saw during this song was “OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE SINGING FOR THE CAMERAS!” And that’s cute - perhaps even understandable at this phase of the show - but she better be able to get over it and bring that voice and an emotional connection.  She’s on her way to a Celion-like career, but only if she can wring out emotion, almost to the point of histrionics, the way Celine does.  Jim Steinman music requires emotional histrionics.  Haley did not give us anything approaching that kind of emotional commitment.

Randy - “It was just OK.” “I didn’t think that you did anything special with it.” I’ll agree with that.  Paula says “You did a nice job.”

And here’s where Paula’s “I agree with whoever talks first” thing comes into play.  She just praised to high holy heaven and back a woman that botched almost every note she sang and now, here’s a woman that, at the very least, hit every note with technical perfection and huge amounts of power.  Fuck you, Paula.  Die in a fire.  You and your little dog too, drug-addled, slur-faced ass.

Simon says she sounded 40, and that she seemed like a good hotel’s headliner, but everything seemed older.  OK, oddly enough when she was talking to Seacrest before she sand, I thought to myself “Wow, she comes off a lot older than she really is.  He way of speaking, her dress, hair, makeup, all of it really make her seem like a middle-aged suburban soccer mom.  And she’s only 24...so I get exactly what Simon is saying.  Young that shit up, chica.  You’re kind of cute and seem to be sporting a fairly decent rack.  Sling them thangs, sister.  Act your age, not bra size. /prince

I would love to see her make some progress.  You know what else is not working?  Those giant earrings.  Old.  bad necklace too, Donna says.  True dat.  Old.

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- Melinda Doolittle, everyone’s favorite background singer with another Aretha song.  ATTENTION BLACK WOMEN - THERE ARE OTHER BLACK FEMALE SINGERS BESIDES ARETHA FRANKLIN.  Just thought I’d point it out.  Here eyes freak me out.  She’s got crazy eye.

She’s doing Since You’ve Been Gone.  She’s coming out hard charging, so that’s good.  She’s not being shy at all.  Damn, she seems to have come to life here.  She’s doing really well...She’s drawing me into the fun of the song, so that works.  She’s also totally lost the crazy eye while on stage.  Weird!  Great job here.  I don’t think I’ve heard a bad note...and she;s all over the place with the cloring and range.  Very nice job.  Where the hell did SHE come from?

Best of the night so far.  In fact best of the competition so far...I would actually love to hear her tackle more Motown stuff.  Blues too.

As soon as she stops singing, she gets all timid and the crazy eye comes back!  Really strange.  All judges love it.  Simon called her a fantastic person with incredible talent and he hopes that she does well.  If she continues to bring like that, she’s not just gonna do well, she’s gonna win.  Unless VoteForTheWorst is too effective this year.  Why has no one started VoteForTheBest.com?

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- Alaina Alexander.  Seacrest is teasing her about crying all the time.  Once again, a singer talks about Simon’s reaction to their audition...I’m telling you no one really cares about Paula and Randy.

Brass In Pocket.  Bad notes all over the floor.  NO soul.  NO passion.  Alaina you are not making me notice anything except the fact that you are not even a pale imitation of Chrissy Hynde.  Her voice is cracking all over the place.  Not in a good, intentional way - it’s breaking on solid notes.  Could that be nerves?  I don’t remember her being this weak, but whatever...you get judged on what you do on this stage on this night.  Alaina was off key, boring and lacked soul.  Also she was devoid of charisma.

Randy says: “Uhhhhhh....God you know?  It really wasn’t great you know?” He also said it was a little pitchy...” A little?  Right.  And Hitler was just a little pissed at the Jews.  Paula: “She didn’t make it her own.  I didn’t feel it.” Simon thought it was a mess.  He also pointed out that Brass In Pocket is very hard to make yours.  He’s right.  Song choice is paramount.

Simon just accused Seacrest of trying to get in Alaina’s panties - he really is acting weird about this one.  Of course, most people think Seacrest wants to get in Simon’s panties, so who the hell knows.  Oddly enough, Seacrest, who has an answer for EVERYTHING, and usually zings Simon 9 times out of 10, only came back with “That doesn’t deserve a response” which is code for ‘Fuck you, how’d you guess so accurately?”

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- Gina Glocksen, bringing us the song that was just featured in a robot suicide commercial!  Eric Carmen’s All By Myself.  This is one of those big-ass bombastic songs that requires histrionics and emotional commitment.  Can Gina Glocksen bring it?  Will she realize it’s actually a sad, introspective song that only gets big when he cries the chorus, or will she sing the over-blown Celine Dion version?

Aaaaaannnnnd - it’s Celine.  Too bad.  She’s emoting well, but...I dunno, no one has ever done it as well as the original.  Uh oh - that was not even Celine, it was the LaToya London version, and that makes me sad.  She can sing though and she deserves to go through.

Randy was surprised and he liked it.  Paula says right song.  Simon says put your hands on your head.  Damn, I am funny.  What he really said was “I don’t think you hit the big note.” He is comparing it to Celine, not Eric Carmen.  Too bad.

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- LaKisha Jones.  Thank fricking God this is the last performance of the night.  My hands hurt.

She’s doing And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going, the song that got Jennifer Hudson nominated for an Oscar.  It’s a big song but LaKisha’s a giant voice.  And she’s wringing the hell of this song.  She’s working the fucking HELL out of the stage...it’s actually goddamned inspirational!

She’s a whole other class of great compared to everyone else.  It’s that simple.  Her presence, her attitude, her passion, her power and her outright skill is leaps and bounds above everyone else.  Bottom line, Lakisha needs to win this thing right now.  Call it over.  No one will ever be better than that on this show.  Call it over and give her the contract.  She is simply amazing.

Randy gave her high praise.  Paula as well.  Simon had to lay into Gina, he opened by saying “Just to correct someone earlier on, that’s the right note.” Then he said the most sage thing he has ever said on this show:  “i am very tempted to say to 23 people, book your plan tickets home.” yep.  It’s over

Then he and Randy both said LaKisha was in a whole different league.  Exactly.  So, here’s the scene: EVERYONE is on their feet.  Blown away by this awe-inspiring singer, this amazing performance and a triumphant reception by the judges.  Every guy in the “dog pound” who knows damn well they just got served their walking papers - they are all jumping and clapping for Lakisha Jones.  Then...the camera pans to the women.

They can barely manage to politely clap.  Wow.  Sorry to drop a misogynistic stereotype on y’all, but they are some straight bitches.  LaKisha outclassed you all, so piss off.

1-866-IDOL-12 - Vote for her if the lines are still open.

Seacrest asked Randy how many guys he would pick if there were no 6 & 6 split, he said 4 and 8.  He’s being generous.  Paula rambled.  Simon closed by saying LaKisha has thrown down the gauntlet.

The recap shows clearly that no one can touch LaKisha Jones.  If this was NASCAR, she’d be leading by 60 laps and have time to take a nap.  Simon was 100% correct, Gina was off key on her big note and LaKisha was spot-on.  The producers actually compared the two in the final recap and it’s obvious that Gina was sharp and LaKisha was perfect.

Can we just skip to the part where LaKisha wins?

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Just throw your mouse in the air,
and wave it if you just don’t care…

There are two dudes I even care a little about here - Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey.

- All 12 will sing, and each elimination show will cut two guys and two girls for three weeks until we get to a total of 12.

- Recap of each guy.  FAST FORWARD.

- Rudy Cardenas is up first.  He’s a professional musician.  He’s afraid Simon hates him.  He’s probably right.  I kind of hate him.  He sings Free Ride from Foghat and just makes it so goddamned mediocre.  He seems to be having fun, so there’s that.  His pitch is good, but I HATE that affectation he does with his mouth.  It’s so fake.  Randy called it corny - YES.  It was totally corny.  Fake, corny, affected.  Paula of course loves him.  Simon points out that he’s not distinctive or unique, and he’s right.  Rudy decided not to become combative with Simon right away, he’s taking the whole “I’m motivated to change his mind” approach.  Proabably smart until you get past a few more rounds.

For Rudy Cardenas, call 1-866-IDOL-01.  Or don’t.  Because it doesn’t matter who you vote for, this show is always fixed.  :)

- Can we stuff some more pills in Paula?  She’s already annoying the piss out of me.

- So...did Coke sponsor this thing or what?  ;) Chris Sligh tries to tell a joke about pretty boys.

- Brandon Rogers is next.  My excitement level is somewhere above loathing but not quite as high as sloth-like indifference.  Another professional.  If Idol keeps letting all these pros through, I predict that people will stop caring so much.  The joy of Idol is when a nobody who has never done more than sing in the car wins the thing.  That’s my $0.02 anyway.

He’s singing ”Rock With You.” It’s dead.  Boring.  He’s also going off key a lot.  Here’s the problem - he doesn’t have a bold, strong voice that cuts through and fills you with energy.  He doesn’t project.  He’s a soft jazz kind of guy.  He’s...wait for it...a background singer.  Randy mentioned the pitch and Paula agreed - they are also reminding him not to sing runs all the time.  Simon said that it was a safe and predictable song - I think he meant a safe and predictable performance, because Rock With You is anything but safe and boring when done right.

I wonder how much freedom these singers have to re-arrange the songs?  If he had sung the entire song in the soft ballad style of the opening it would have been much better.

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- Sundance Head is next.  If he blows it again, he needs to go.  His first audition was so great, but he’s been blowing it badly since then.  If he doesn’t pull it out tonight I don’t want to waste anymore time watching him.

He’s doing Knights in White Satin.  WHY?  It’s boring.  Bad note.  Bad note.  Bad Note.  Bad Note BAD NOTE BAAAAAAAAD NOOOOOOOOTTTTEEEEEEEE.

Get this guy off my TV.  He stole a spot from a better singer and his audition was a fluke.  He ruined the chorus again.  That STUNK.  Randy calls him out for abandoning the bluesy thing - Yeah, WTF is that about?  At least Pilly McPaula notices.  Simon called him Dad at a wedding.  Spot on.  “I don’t like you tonight.”

Unless he survives tonight and comes out next week blasting some Son House or Howlin’ Wolf, I don’t ever want to see this kid again.

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- Paul Kim is next.  Shoes or no shoes?  :) He bores me too.I think the fact that he walks around industrial and commercial spaces without shoes is the most interesting thing about him.

He’s singing Careless Whisper and utterly destroying it.  He’s singing it in some weird deep husky voice that barely, BARELY contains the melody.  WHORE.  EH.  BULL.  Not.  Good.  OH HE DID NOT JUST SAY “Huh, Come on y’all” in the middle of Careless fucking Whisper.  He blew that false so so so bad.  There was nothing - I repeat, nothing - good about this performance.  Randy says sort of nice things to him - why I don’t know.  Paula said he oversang it.  Then she said “I hope people get past” his pitchiness and blowing this song and remember his auditions.  NO!

Goddammit the contest starts now.  We’re not here to judge what he did in a room in some hotel two months ago.  We’re here to judge him on how he performs on this stage tonight.  And he sucked.

Simon suggests he put shoes on and drop the gimmick.  He also said it was a third-rate copy of George Michaels’ version.

Seacrest took his shoes off.  See? that’s this guy’s whole thing.  The shoes.

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- Question - When is someone going to sing a song written after 1990?

- Chris Richardson is next.  Another boybander that sings too many runs.  He hopes to bring charisma to the stage.  I sure hope be bought some.

What the fuck?  He’s doing ”I Don’t Want To Be?  Didn’t Elliot Yamin already ruin this song once?  He screwed up the lyric too!  It’s “I don’t need to be anything other than a PRISON GUARD’S son, dumbass.  This is so flat.  Energy-less.  He’ll get votes based on being cute though.  STOP BOPPING, JACKASS.  At least it’s a song written in the last 15 years.

Randy seems to like it but a qualified like.  Paula seems to have really liked it.  Simon said his voice sounded small.  That’s a good way to put it.

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- Nick Pedro is next.  He seems to be wearing an awful lot of makeup.  Not that he is to blame for that, I’m just saying damn, dude looks painted up.  He’s a salesman for a finance company?  Yeah, I can definitely see him being that kind of pushy, obnoxious dude.

Song choice is odd.  Richard Marx, Now and Forever?  He’s not that kind of singer.  He’s not screwing it up that badly, but it’s not exciting.  Sort of a safe performance.  Randy is not happy and he called it boring.  Another guy that lost his personal style that got him here.  Paula agrees.  Simon seems to think it was just OK.  He also mentions that Nick has lost his style.  He is definitely pimping him though.  Simon wants him around.

Cute...during the phone segment he did the “Vote for Pedro” thing.  At least he has good taste in movies.  :)

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- Blake Lewis.  I don’t like this guy.  Donna seems to like him a lot more than I do.  He did add a lot to the group performance...still I don’t like the way he sings.  I actually like his beatboxing better.  :)

Song - Somewhere Only We Know.  I don’t know this song so he has a chance to impress me.  You know what?  He has.  He sounds a bit - just a bit - like the guy from Coldplay, only less shrill and less annoying.  It’s a very British alt-rock vibe.  That would be because Keane is a British alt-rock band I suppose.  He’s pitch-perfect to my ears, he’s coloring well.  If you like Coldplay, you’d like this kid.  Not bad.  He lost a note or two at the VERY end, but all in all, pretty good.  he hit the false right...that’s the hard part

Randy says it was good.  He basically just gave him the first “Yeah Dog you doin’ yo thang” of the night.  Speaking of, is Randy intentionally keeping the “dogs” to a minimum this year?  Anyway, Paula liked it too.  Simon mentions that he’s the first modern-sounding singer - spot on.  So far best of the night.  Again, spot on.

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- Sanjaya Malakar - Someone wake me when this mess is over.  Prediction before the commercials are done fast-forwarding - It’s gonna be up-tempo, he’ll “white girl dance,” and he’ll be all teeth and pitch problems.  His recap was ALL “pity me, I lost my sister who was my rock.” Blow me, jerkoff.

His song is Knocks Me Off My Feet.  Not up-tempo at all.  But he is all teeth.  His voice is thin and reedy.  Ultimately this is just BORING.  And a really bad note at the end.  Another old-fashioned sound from a 17 year old kid.  Simon, you better say something…

Randy slammed him HARD.  “It wasn’t even close.” Paula tried to be supportive.  Simon said that “The irony was, the most used line in that song was ‘I don’t want to bore you with this and it was without question the most dreary performance we’ve had all night.” The irony in this house is that is almost exactly word-for-word what Donna was saying as Sonjaya sang.  :) “Half the band were asleep during it!”

I hope this kid’s voice doesn’t change during the competition.  Have his balls dropped yet?

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- Chris Sligh is up next.  Please don’t screw this up.  I would like to actually enjoy someone’s performance tonight.  Well, aside from Blake, I kind of liked that one. 

His song is Typical by Mute Math.  I like the voice.  I like the guy.  The one unfortunate thing is that lisp - it hist at exactly the wrong time.  I wonder if that is something that can be trained away or surgically repaired...other than the lisp I’m not seeing anything to complain about here.  He is really comfortable up there, which is rare tonight.  The tone and so forth is good.  The song choice is pretty good too, it has a bit of range, but more importantly the lyrics are about making it, about breaking away from the pack.  Nice psychology there, Chris.  :) I don’t know if he was better than Blake, but that might be song choice and not performance.  Maybe he did sing better.  Either way, he did good.

Randy gave him a “dog” and said Chris was a LITTLE ahead of the beat but it was good.  Paula mentioned the song choice and said it was good.  Simon doesn’t seem to have liked it much.  Seacrest and Simon do their gay lovers back-and-forth thing after Simon calls Seacrest “sweetheart.”

Chris just handed it to Simon.  “Just because I don’t sing Il Divo or the Teletubbies doesn’t mean I’m not a good singer.” Heh.  Simon produced the Teletubbies album.  Not sure you should piss Simon off this early, but hey...and look at Simon’s face - he’s pissed.  Simon blames Seacrest.  So Seacrest accuses Simon of dressing up as a teletubby.  Seacrest 1, Simon 0.

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- Jared Cotter.  Seacrest digs a little more at Simon while talking to him.  Here comes another GODDAMNED BALLAD…

It’s Back At One.  It’s undeniable, that these song choices are boring me to tears, and it’s unbelievable, that no one can manage to sing anything with a tempo of over 25 BPM.  This song is SAFE.  AND.  BORING.  He’s singing it well, but I don’t frigging care.  It’s a cookie-cutter R&B ballad that you could plug anyone into and as long as they can carry a tune, it’ll sound OK.  He’s confident up there.  If his song was better I’d like him a lot more.  He’s doing as much as he can…

Oh, see, now no one should ever sing R&B ballads that count “One Two Three” anything anymore.  All I could hear in my head was “One...cut a hole in a box.  Two, put your junk in that box.  Three...make her open that box...”

He’s good though.  I don’t mean to take anything away from him.  Very few bum notes.  A decent performance and he blew the lead-up to it but hit the actual falsetto well.  He’ll be around for awhile.

Randy said he didn’t like the way it ended.  It was alright.  Paula said it was too Bryan McKnight.  Simon says it was “unadventurous.” “I don’t think anyone is going to be waking up tomorrow morning and say what an incredible vocal performance that was.”

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- AJ Tabaldo is next.  His recap showed his audition, and I maintain that it still sucks.  His Hollywood clip had a nice false but everything else is weak.  5 years he’s tried...which just demonstrates the mediocrity of this year’s field.

Well, it’s old but at least it’s up-tempo.  Never Too Much by Luther Vandross.  Why are there so many old songs tonight?  he’s doing OK.  He’s probably going to survive this round, but the song is bigger than him.  That’s gonna be a problem in the future.

Paula is dancing.  Painkillers are AWESOME!

The audience seems to have really liked it, but were they responding to the song?  Randy says it was good, and complemented his auditions?  I must be missing something.  Paula also goes off about his skill.  Simon says nothing great, nothing terrible, a theme-park performance.  Simon also says he might be better than he originally though.  OK, either my ears are broken or they’re all high.  I don’t like his voice.

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- Phil Stacey to close the show.  Come on, dude.  Sing something.  I mean SING IT.  Come on.

His song is another damned ballad.  I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain.  Same thing that happened in the auditions happened here: it starts off a little weird.  He looks nervous.  It definitely picked up when he hit the chorus...wow...that’s the first time I gave a damn tonight.  Holy shit who is this guy and where was he at the beginning of the song?  If he can overcome that startup problem he has, he can go all the way to the final four or even final two.

Randy: It started rough, but the dog says best vocal of the night.  Paula says the same thing without the “dog.” part.  Simon said the beginning was monstrous, and just OK at the end.  He’s comparing Phil to Daughtry, and he’s right about doing it.  Not that Phil is a Chris clone - but by setting the bar high, Simon will get this guy to blow it out week after week, just like he did with Clay, and Chris, and even if you remember, way back when with Clarkson.  He’s trying to get Phil to prove him wrong.

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Seacrest - “Phil going with the Britney Spears haircut tonight.” Funny, Ryan.  Last night, maybe.  Phil also said he agreed with Simon and would work harder.  Heh...told ya.

Seacrest called Simon out on being negative.  His response is that he respects the audience at home, and that he doesn’t believe in patronizing people.  Generally I think that’s true.  He’s also digging at Paula with that “patronizing” thing...she does that all the time.  “I’m not going to lie to people.  You can do that on your radio show.” Oh boy.  This is gonna be a long season. 

OK, the recap reminds me who I want to see eliminated - PAUL KIM.  First and foremost.  Get rid of him.  Also Sundance.  If Sundance makes it, we can lose Sanjaya.  But ONLY if Sundance is going to bring the blues next week.

Tomorrow night it’s the ladies.  Please God let there be a wardrobe malfunction or something to keep my interest.

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