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Thought you might like this article located here: https://right-thoughts.us/index.php/weblog/comments/rock_of_love_2_week_9_going_to_ex_tremes/ Rock Of Love 2 wk 9 - Going to Ex-tremes, or “Who likes dbags like me?  Cuz that’s who’s gonna win.” Another week, another episode of douchebag behavior, mango body spray and Vagisil by the crate.  It’s time for Rock of Love again. Apologies for the lateness, but you can blame Dell for purchasing cheap Malaysian RAM in 2005.  The source of all the computer troubles this past weekend was bad RAM.  Bad memory makes everything all screwed up.  It makes the computer say and do stupid things.  It was quite the allegory for this show, actually. Time to watch some whores, people.  Buckle up. - Quick note: you folks know I embed jokes in the alt tags for the pics, right?  Have been for a few weeks.  If the captions cut off in Firefox instead of wrapping (and they do and it is annoying) just install the IE Tab extension and use that to view the RoL posts.  It works a treat. The lovely ladies that remain: Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that. Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner. Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous. Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show. - And we begin with the recap.  Bye bye Kristy Joe’s titties!  We loved you.  Your owner was a bit of a nightmare, but we loved you.  Here’s splooge in your eye.  Ladies, you are ALL second place finishers. The recap is weird, like we’ve never met these people before.  It’s like they expect a whole slew of new viewers, which may not actually be wrong.  This show, while the worst, most horrible and debasing thing in all of reality TV - so horrible I can’t believe that Fox isn’t airing it - gets monster ratings for VH1. - The sun rises on Whoretown.  BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Shiny face, mandanna, no makeup.  WASH YOUR FACE, JOHN.  Clean skin is healthy skin.  He brings them the note. As you know I’ve been here before, This time is special and I want to be sure. There’s still so much I need to know, Be honest with me and we can only grow. Right now my heart is a little sore, because after tonight there will only be four. Love, Bret. His heart is sore because the script called for him to want he really wanted the crazy bitch and she dumped him.  Consider yourselves leftover sushi, ladies.  Not the worst thing a person can eat, but it’s never as good as when it’s fresh. Plus I think all your vaginas smell like fish.  Not because all women do or anything.  You Rock of Love ladies specifically.  Because you don’t wash them. - They all gather by the door and Douche gives a speech about how he needs today.  He douche-fessionals that they are the “Sexy Five.” WHAT THE EFFFFFFF?  That is not alliteration!  No “Foxy” five?  Or “Fantastic” five?  or “Fucking Fartsucker” five?  I feel cheated and I want my money back. Oh, and the exes show up.  Superworms was once married to someone in The Little River Band - And fulfilling a request...Hombre and her “Please insert any passing penises into my face orifice” look number 1: - Fivehead once dated a member of Fall Out Boy: and he treated her like crap apparently. - Chazz once dated the love child of Joe Rogan & Steve-O: - Hombre gets her best friend, also named Adam.  Adam looks like he once starred in a series of 80s teen comedies that were modeled after John Hughes films, but directed by Eastern Bloc directors expressly for use in the Ukrainian market. Apparently none of Ambre’s exes would come.  She’s thrilled.  And over-acting her reactions, by the way. - Muppetface is next.  We’ve seen her douche already.  Charles.  Glen Danzig forcibly inseminated Nikki Sixx and the resulting infant was raised by gypsies. Charles is not a very rock & roll name, I’m sorry.  The relationship between Charles and Daisy has been on again/off again for forever. - Stripper ShowMyTits shows up.  TIME TO GET ‘EM OUT LADIES.  No sense in fighting the inevitable.  Two of you will make out with her, one of you will flash the room at her behest and one of you will get called a bitch or a cunt. Or both.  Just give over.  You can’t fight City Hall Grandma Boozehound. - Douche says that he and Grandma have become close friends and she is gonna help him pick someone to eliminate.  They break for dirt gathering and one-on-one douchery.  - DRAMAS!  Muppetface has a secret she hasn’t told Bret about Charles. Possible secrets about Charles that Daisy hasn’t told Bret: 1. Charles jerked off to the part of the Pam & Bret sex tape where Bret was alone and adjusting the camera, and that’s why Daisy broke up with him 2. Charles is a very, very buff woman. 3. Charles is legally retarded, and only sixteen. 4. Charles once killed a man because that man called his flame tattoos “gay.” 5. That’s not eyeliner.  Charles is half raccoon. Commercial. - We’re back and it’s motherfucking whorebag partytime!  Tequila shots off titties, getting the girls to strip...it’s a cliche.  I mean, if there were a movie about these people, this would be the part where the party one comes in and there’s a mawh-tahge of “wild” partying.  Unless she starts fucking one of these girls with a (sponsored) glass dildo and the camera manages to capture the company logo whilst still managing to bluer the penetration, is anything they’re doing really that “wild” or unexpected? If you’re in the market for a glass dildo, by the way, you can do worse than Phallix.  Just passing that along. - Cut to: The men go to a cigar club...Sponsor time: Brand Cigar Club.  That website is a master of design and technology implementation.  By which I mean it doesn’t work in Firefox or IE.  Call be, Brand guys.  I’ll set something up for you. By the way, for those keeping score on the misogyny meter; Ladies stay home diddling each other in bikinis while the men go to the club to sip brandy and smoke cigars.  Nice.  Classy. - No one wants to try a cigar.  Great.  This was a well-thought-out sponsorship.  Good planning, VH1! - Ambre’s Adam tries to sell the idea that Hombre is “so sincere.” For fuck’s sake.  SHE’S A WANNABE ACTRESS!  No one believes anything she says.  Every word that comes out of her mouth feels crafted, like she’s been working on just the right emotional note.  Fakity fake fake fake.  Also, the best friend is dying to sleep with her.  She knows that and uses this guy for *everything*.  I bet she gets him to help her move, calls him when her car won’t start, she makes him come over and run lines when she has an audition.  Once, in college, she gave him a handjob but now refuses to even acknowledge that ever happened.  He masturbates to pictures of her from her website. I’m just saying. - Switching to Jessica...Casey tells Douche that Fivehead is sweet but he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.  Also, Casey is about 13, and wholly intimidated by Bret and/or these cameras. OH MY GOD.  OH FUCKING HELL...just watch: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ZEN HANDGESTURE SHIT?  Why?  why does he make me hate him so much?  My soul aches to punch him in the face.  I sit here seething with animosity, longing to reach my hand out across time and space and slap the pancake off his jowly visage.  If I could just kick Bret Michaels once, REALLY hard, in the junk, I think i could die happy.  he’s acting like he’s delivering some universal truth about God and the universe, when really what he’s doing is making sure that if there’s someone reading this blog who wasn’t aware, now they will be certain of the fact that BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG! Moving on. - Josh is talking about Chazz and basically tells Douche that Megan will use you to get what she wants.  Also, water is wet.  Douche had no idea Chazz was on Beauty & The Geek.  No PA or grip or anyone told him?  Really?  Really?  I find that hard to believe.  Sort of like Bret’s acting. - Cut to the house.  The ladies have all changed into swimsuits.  Heather is out by the pool with Chazz and Fivehead, who, by the way, has a square ass. - Heather: “Who do you guys hate here?” Answer: Superworms.  They call her a groupie.  Chazz tells Grandma that she was on another reality show.  The other two show up and they all go sit by the pool to dish.  Heather zeros in on Superworms, who admits her favorite bands are all 80s hair nostalgia acts, and that she just saw Poison not too long ago. Hoo boy. Superworms admits that she dated the drummer of Nikki Sixx’s side band Brides of Destruction.  Oh yeah.  Everyone dates drummers...*cough* She was so hoping to leapfrog into Nikki’s bedroom.  Unfortunately for her, he’s currently fucking the tattooed Nazi, so...sorry, Superworms.  maybe you could date the drummer for Charles’ band.  Because you know he’s in one. - Truth or Dare time.  I *think* Heather just asked Jessica if she’s ever been fucked in the ass, but it’s so bleeped I can’t be sure.  Is that wild?  I mean, I think it would have been outrageous in like, 1963, but...is it really like “rock star” wild?  This is VH1, a network that caters to the tastes of whoever was 20 twenty years ago.  So that’s like...me.  Didn’t we all grow up with this idea as a fairly normal part of sex that you could take or leave? They’re really pushing this “wild child” meme. - Destiney gets dared to take off all her clothes and cartwheel on the lawn.  Wow.  WILD. - Cut to the cigar club.  OK, I’m ragging on the ladies but given a choice, OBVIOUSLY I would pick hanging out with them over hanging out with this dead group of boring fucks.  I’ve been to funerals that were more fun. - Talking about Destiney...she likes to party, concerts etc.  Douche: “My fear, as a guy and being in a band and seeing all the things that happen, I don’t wanna ever have a fear that if I let her go to a concert, the only thing she’s looking for is a backstage pass.” Where to start.  If he “let her” go?  What the fuck?  Oh yeah, women aren’t people, they’re wholly owned accessories.  Also, why wouldn’t Bret hook her up with any band she wanted to see?  It;s not like she wants passes for Barbra Streisand.  She;s want to see Crue, Great White, etc.  Bret knows or tours with or has toured with all those guys.  So she gets a pass through him and everyone knows she;s hands off.  Why would he leave her to fend for herself to get a pass? Douche.  Bag.  Douchefessional: Superworms might be an uber-groupie. - Switch to talking about Muppetface and Nikki Danzig.  She was in his band. He says that he just wants to see her happy.  Douche thinks they are still sleeping together.  Time to leave the crypt cigar bar and go get these idiots drunk and talkative. - Back to the manse, yo.  The ladies are talking about who is the worst for Bret.  Megan throws Jessica under the bus - Oh crap Jessica just said those exact words.  It’s hard to put this, but Megan’s whole demeanor during this segment is different.  More together.  More intelligent.  More...there.  Makes me wonder if the whole ditz thing isn’t just an act. - Fivehead starts chugging booze and crying.  DRAMAS!  Stripper Grandma takes her inside to dish.  Jessica throws everyone in the house under the bus.  Oh noes!  She’s the wrong motherfucka to eff wivf!  Commercial. - We’re back and Stripper Grandma is digging in the dirt.  Lo and behold, she manages to find the places Daisy got hurt. See what I did there? - Muppetface starts a-bawlin and a’snufflin’ over her ex.  Will we get the big secret?  I think it’s something stupid like she slept with him the night before she came into the house.  Uh oh.  She wanders through the house to find Grandma, who was hanging by the front door (?) with Worms.  Off they go, and it’s secret time! - We’re up close and personal with heather and Daisy.  The dramas and tensions!  Oh me oh my.  OK, they live together in a one bedroom apartment.  Her excuse is they have a lease.  Donna: “Remember how she never ganged up on KayJay?” Yeah, that makes a lot more sense now. That’s a pretty lame secret.  She says that she hasn’t slept with Chico Douche-driguez in “like two years, okay?” Superworms is listening in on the whole thing.  Guess who’s running to Bret with the story?  Hey, that kind of shit made Heather Bret’s Southeast Regional Fuckbuddy.  Maybe Superworms can parlay her nosiness into the Los Angeles franchise. - Heather tries to get her to admit that she’s here to get Bret to whisk her away from her terrible situation.  To be honest I totally understand what Daisy is doing here.  She probably can’t afford to rent a separate place and her name is on a long-term lease.  Fuck she s’posed to do, sell her cooch-hole for money like Heather?  So they’re roomies.  She actually seems like she’s being honest.  Heather is trying to put the worst spin on it she can...or she’s filtering it through her own sugardaddy/pimp issues. - StripperShowMyTits pulls Megan into the bathroom, and Worms jumps in too.  They all start dishing on Daisy.  Man, I gotta tell you, she’s a conniving bitch, and she’s probably dumb as the day is long, and she’s got a weird scrunchy face, but Megan’s ass is *the bomb*. Is “the bomb” a good thing for an ass to be?  Kinda makes it sound like it has explosive diarrhea.  I’m saying the girl has a sweet turdcutter is all. Pa-doww. - Cut to the guys, eating at Dave & Busters.  So upscale.  Bret does a fucking commercial for them. - Adam flips the script and asks how Bret convinces the women that he’s sincere.  Kudos to Adam for asking, but the answer is he doesn’t.  Because he isn’t.  Because he doesn’t have to be. Douche basically doublespeaks his way through it by babbling about how hard it is to date three women on the same date, using the same lines and how they say “Didn’t you just say that to me?” Which is the long way of saying he isn’t sincere at all.  Because he doesn’t have to be.  Rock star = cock sucked, regardless of what horrible douchiness you put forth. - Douche Senior takes Chico Douche-driguez off to talk about Muppetface.  Bret might be in shape, but gravity is *fucking* with his face: Dizz-amn. They talk about the situation between Muppet and Junior Douche. Only they don’t actually say anything.  It’s literally 60 seconds of nothing being answered.  Guy date over. - Back to the drama.  Fivehead is starting to sob about how she;s not that sweet innocent girl.  She’s babbling about how Chazz is someone she would pinky swear with.  Pinky swear?  Man, booze does funny shit to people.  Chazz-fessional: This isn’t kindergarten.  There’s no pinky swearing.” Jessica goes ranting around the house.  She’s effed the fuck up and keeps drinking *hard*.  Now she’s sobbing. Chazz is being human and trying to stop her, but Fivehead is determined to out-badgirl the badgirls.  Heather is such a bad influence.  OK, they are wrestling her onto the couch, she’s stumbling around.  OK, in all seriousness, she looks glazed and sick.  Not in a funny way, in a “she might need medical attention” sort of way. That kind of looks more serious than funny.  But hey, fuck it, it’s not like these are actual humans or anything.  Right VH1? - Douche comes home.  How the fuck did I not realize that the foyer carpet was GOD-DAMNED LEOPARD? Oh my GOD these people have zero taste.  He wants his girls, but they’re a little busy.  Jessica is horkin’ again.  Then it gets back to funny: She’s sobbing and confessing her love for him and he’s making a big show of “taking care” of her.  Oh fuck you.  Without cameras present you’d be shoving her off onto Big John and you know it.  Oh and he told her “I love you too.” I don’t think it;s true, because Jessica’s face is not a mirror. - Cut to Daisy & Charles.  She wants to know what Douche asked.  he won’t say.  OK, here’s the deal with Charles: He totally and completely wants his Daisy back.  he has kept her trapped in that apartment so he can try to get her back, and when they called him for this, he saw his chance to sabotage her thing with Douche.  I’m telling you.  Nikki Danzig loves Muppetface.  he wants to put his hand up her and...well, that’s it really, I mean getting to stick your hand up a woman is sort of the goal in and of itself sometimes, isn;t it. [Bela]PULL DA STRING-UH![/Bela] - Big John comes to get Old Grandma Stripcore so she can “download him” to Bret.  Apparently that is Douchespeak for “Tell him what she’s learned.” Commercial. - Douche and his evil, aged sidekick start deliberating.  They decide to begin with Fivehead.  Douche has a clipboard.  This is serious.  He decides that she may be too young for him.  You mean they make women that are too young for you, Bret?  I figured that you fuck ‘em from fifty to fetus. - Next they discuss Chazz.  They talk about how she’s an opportunist.  Douche has an insight; Megan’s face never changes expression.  It doesn’t, because she has no human emotion other than greed.  Grandma: “Upside of Megan is, great rack.” Without a split second hesitation Douche replies “Cool.” Good lord Heather and Bret are like two gonorrheas-riddled peas in a pod. - Cut to Steve-O Rogan (Josh) talking to Chazz (his ex).  She calls him out for wearing the shirt from his bar.  Isn’t that like the opportunistic whore calling the gold-digging bitch a slut?  or something?  I actually think it was brilliant of him to wear this shirt: The thing is, why the hell shouldn’t he promote his bar?  half the cast last year came from Chicago.  RoL is big there.  Plus, the shirt reads REALLY well on camera.  And lastly, of course, her criticizing this is the height of hypocrisy.  She’s really pissed because he’s the male version of her, and she knows that he’ll tank her chances of staying on the show just to do it, because he’s an empty-headed Himbo who revels in being a mancunt to people. “Mancunt?” Is that just a stupid, slightly-more-filthy way to say “asshole?” Sometimes I amaze disappoint myself with the creative cursing. - Oh my god, she’s crying!  She almost changed her expression!  Turns out she’s still in wuvs wif her widdle joshy-woshy.  She thought he was here to fight for her or which her away or some shit...but he just told her he’s only here to promote the bar. Ouch.  Couldn’t happen to a nicer girl, I tells ya. - Hombre takes her into the kitchen to talk.  Chazz starts sobbing that “I wanted him to be my boyfriend so badly and he refused to!” Uh oh.  He saw the gold-digger back then.  Doh.  Hombre is gonna run and tell, of course. - Back to the huddle between Grandma and Grandpa.  They’re talking about Hombre next. Heather likes her, but thinks Ambre wouldn’t last on the tour bus with, and I *think* she said “tits and dick all over the place.” Destiney is next.  Summation: groupie.  Last is Daisy.  Heather drops the living situation on him.  He gets that look on his face.  The one he gets when he’s really mad about something. Then Heather sucked his dick and left.  I mean they didn’t show that, but...what are we. stupid? - Cut to Douche sitting down with Muppetface and JuniorDouche to get to the truth.  he calls Daisy out for not telling him about Charles.  Daisy says “Our physical relationship has been (waves her hand at the fllor) for a long, long time.” At that moment you see Charles look away in disgust.  Well, disgust mixed with a little longing and some pain at what Daisy just said.  That dude wants his Muppet back. no. Doubt. About it. Here’s the thing about Daisy, as I see it: She is trapped.  Maybe she likes the band she’s is in - or was in - with Charles, and doesn’t want to ruin that.  Or maybe she likes being his friend but the band sucks.  Either or.  Plus she is financially trapped.  Most people can’t afford to pay for two places to live.  Maybe they have a lease that doesn’t allow sublets.  So she’s trapped in her living situation.  plus I think she is burying what feelings she does have for Charles...she *wants* to be free relationship-wise but she’s stuck. Heather is trying to paint Daisy as a gold-digger looking for a sugar daddy.  That was What heather did, but I don’t see it as what Daisy is doing.  I think Daisy is drowning, and while she would grab onto anyone’s life preserver, she REALLY wants it to be Bret’s.  He has all the qualities - however shitty they may be - that she looks for in a douchepartner.  I think she likes the drama, the lifestyle, and quite frankly the abusive objectification.  She likes being manipulated.  OK, maybe not likes, but she’s familiar with it and feels comfortable in that world...and so she has fallen for Douchebag Michaels. Anyway, Douche tells Charles that Daisy might be his “rock of love.” Bret asks is Charles would be cool if Bret picked her.  Charles repeats the question, but unless he’s a master at body language and knew precisely what he was doing...I kind of think he told the truth. Maybe because he knows it can only end badly and he can be there to pick up the pieces when Bret finally screws her over?  That;s a pretty safe bet if you;re a gambling man.  she looked TERRIFIED that Charles might say he wouldn’t be cool with it.  I think she really likes this d-bag. RUN, DAISY, RUN! - Cut to interior, booze bottles and Fivehead.  She can’t remember anything. - Cut to; something.  Douche is thanking the exes for coming to the house.  He starts to leave to get ready for elims...Hombre slips out right behind him.  Time to drop a dime on Megan!  She tells him that Chazz was bawling about Steve-O Rogan, and Douche thanks her for the info.  - Douche tells John to go get Megan.  Holy crap that was the first “awesome” of the show!  Awesome-ometer: 1. Megan is so fucking out of here.  He’s got that look again, and Bret is like a goldfish; one thought, not for very long.  Since Megan is the last one he’s dealing with, she will be the one to get cut.  Donan says that the fact that she’s a gold-digger is also a red flag for him.  I agree.  he’s pissed and wants answers This is how he gets them, apparently: What a dick.  If you think she’s a lying, gold-digging whore, why are you making out with her?  I know he doesn’t have any respect for anyone else, but doesn’t this man have any self-respect?  For fuck’s sake.  If you have any self-respect, you stop her at the first sign and you say ‘hey we have to talk.” For fucking fuck’s sake.  he probably thinks this makes him look cool, that he can pull this shit and she doesn’t even know he’s potentially upset with her, but it just makes him look sad. - Megan lies her ass off and says that Ambre has her confused with someone else.  he OBVIOUSLY doesn’t believe her, but… Fuck it.  she’s a whore, I suppose it’s to be expected.  When in Whoretown, do as the whores do. - Time to get ready for eliminations.  Commercial. - Elimination time!  It’s like a fucking stripper’s funeral in here again: - Chick-fessionals; Worms is talking about Jessica.  Daisy hopes Bret lover her as much as she loves him - and is a sobbing mess.  Jessica is all “Fuck the haters, I rallied tonight.” OK.  Hombre is confident because she’s not a stripper, didn’t puke and doesn’t shack up with her ex.  But, she looks 50 in this light, so… - Douche strolls in.  Strolls.  That’s he only world for the sauntering, “my cock is eleven feet long” swagger that he just displayed.  He strolls in holding hands with heather, who is wearing some kind of ballroom-cum-stripper zebra print monstrosity.  Also, like I need to say it; GUYLINER. - First pass goes to: Hombre, BECAUSE REMEMBER SHE WAS ALMOST ELIMINATED AND OH MY WOULDN’T IT BE WEIRD IF SHE WON?!?!?!? - Second pass goes to Wormface.  He uses that “wear that dress” line again.  So he couldn’t give a figgy fuck for Destiney. - Megan is smelling cheese again. - Next pass goes to Daisy, and he asks her to be honest with him.  She’s super extra relieved.  Bret: “No more bullshit...like, no more.” Muppet-fessional - “There’s some...other stuff...” Oh fuck.  Uhh, she used to be a man.  She once slept with her uncle.  She once blew a baby in a bus station on a dare.  She fucks dogs for money in a Mexican porn theater.  WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO TELL US, YOU FUCK!??  I just defended you, Daisy, don’t make me regret it. - One pass, Megan and Jessica.  Bye bye, Megan.  I swear, the look on her face at eliminations, it’s the only time her expression changes.  It’s like things happen that confuse her, so her brain interprets them as intellectual farts and makes her face act like she’s smelling a fat Irish dude for the three days following St. Patty’s. Douche breaks it down.  2 “beautiful” girls, one pass.  Commercial. - Back.  Fivehead thinks she’s out.  Hombre confessionals that Megan should go home.  Cheese-face is at it again. I have seen monkeys staring at knotted balls of rope who look less confused.  How does she remember what to do with air?  I imagine she needs someone to remind her that it goes in her lungs, not her ass. - Jessica gets called down.  He thinks she’s here for the right reasons.  She gets the pass. - Bret calls Megan down.  The confusion gets so, so, so much funnier. Why does she just keep shaking her head? Ambre’s reaction is retarded, but funny in a “Look !  I want to suck on anything that may fly by my face,” totally over-acting sort of way - Douche walks Megan out.  Megan claims that she really had feelings.  He asked her for a kiss and miracle of miracles, she refused and said ‘It’s not for real.” Wow.  One moment of humanity...and it wasn’t from him. Hang on a second.  I need a minute.  Why did she keep shaking her head? I take back the thing about her ditz thing being an act.  She’s actually that dumb.  Good luck on your next reality show, Chazz. - Next week they go to Vegas.  Heather will be joining them.  Guess she gives awesome bjs.  And with that declaration, it’s Bret’s Brew time. Scenes from the next: Lear jet.  Hard Rock.  Heather is trying to stir the shit in a big, start-a-fistfight way.  Time for the gangbang on Daisy!  Fight!  Fight!  In the second “Scenes” Daisy gets slapped.  Dizz-amn. I’ll see you Lovers next week, if my soul can recover in time… ;)