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Thought you might like this article located here: https://right-thoughts.us/index.php/weblog/comments/rock_of_love_2_week_7_red_white_and_a_little_blue/ Rock Of Love 2 week 7 - Red, White and a Little Blue Well well well.  Now that the old ladies are gone, Bret can settle in and choose the prime piece of young meat he so richly deserves.  Yeah, it did make me gag a little to write that, now that you ask. Bret, dude, just call this whole thing off, pick Daisy and ride that relationship for the two or three years she’ll stay, until a younger, more attractive and more relevant rock star catches her eye.  No?  You insist on going through with this?  OK then.  I guess we’ll do that.  Oh and Bret?  You’re a douchebag. Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.” Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that. Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner. Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous. Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme. Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show. - No video caps for this week...my copy of the show refuses to sync audio with what is happening on the screen.  Sorry! - Recap from last week: Featured Muppetface and KayJay having a connection to Douche, plus forcasting the “getting back in the game” of SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, GAME PLAYS YOU! I really have to stop doing that. - Another morning at Villa de Douche. - We start right out on the “Inna needs to reconnect to Bret” storyline.  She zeroes in on him out by the pool.  They have a superficial totally scripted heart-to-heart conversation where he tells her he wants to know she likes him, but he doesn’t “need a parade” with her “holding up a sign.” Then he douche-fessionals that he wants her to “step up and take a swing.” So in other words, he wants a parade with her holding up a sign.  Such a two-faced dick. - Big John calls them into the main room for the “poetry” of the day.  i apologize to all past, present and future poets for using that word in conjunction with anything written for Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.  John is guylined up again.  *sigh* Oh, and the note was fairly cryptic, it just told them to get “pretty” and get in the foyer or something. In 1956, these ladies were probably total pieces of ass.  Only you would get slapped in the fucking mouth for saying that.  Even though it was probably true.  - While I’m wandering down the lane of the past: Just picture it: imagine that one of the first things they put on TV was a competition where 20 women like these two competed to date some has-been big band trombone player.  And some fat fuck wrote stories in the paper every week calling them whores, mocking their looks, intellect and actions. Wait, did I just pwn myself?  Ignore that.  - By the way, Douche said he just got back from a tour in Iraq...so that’s a point in his favor.  It helps mitigate the douchiness.  I fully expect him to spend that every point in the anti-douche account in the next 90 seconds. - The ladies are Shirley Claire and Joan Arlene, and in a failing of the information superhightubes, I can’t find jack about either one of them. - The challenge: The “ladies” of RoL have to put together a USO-style show.  3 duos, one solo.  Winner gets: you guessed it, a date with Douche.  What a prize. - Chazz wants to team up with Fivehead and hula-hoop.  I’m not sure she can remember to always spin in the same direction.  I kind of expect her to stop after two or three rotations and need someone to remind her that she was going around in the same direction as those funny arm thingies that spin around that time-telling thingy people have on their walls. Daisy is singing and wants to solo it.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and Superworms will be dancing.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, WORMS DANCE ON YOU!  OK, that doesn’t even make any sense anymore. Hombre and KayJay are doing some weird comedy/tap routine.  I don’t even know what the fuck she’s talking about. She’s gonna tell jokes and then Hombre taps after the punchline?  For fuck’s sake, just whip out your titties and call it a day. - Chazz and Fivehead are reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while hula hooping.  Needless to say Chazz doesn’t understand anything that is going on. - SRB and Superworms are trying to learn choreography.  I guess they only get an hour to learn this stuff.  Joan Arlene is on crabby old coot, I tell you whut.  She’s barking at yelling at them.  It’s a VH1 reality show, Joan.  And these women are one step above meth whores.  Don’t expect too much. - KayJay and Hombre are doing a routine where Kristy Joe doesn’t know how to tap, and Ambre comically “teaches” her.  I assume it end with a “Oh look, she’s really good in 90 seconds! finish or something.  Hy-fucking-sterical! /not. - Daisy is butchering the Star Spangled Banner.  Oh my. - Time to go.  We get reminded yet again that Inna need to re-connect with Douche.  They’re not even trying at all to hide how fake and scripted these storylines are anymore.  Commercial. - Performance time.  The audience are all vets.  We see the ladies getting ready. Well, I know who I call as the winners.  No matter how awful they are. - Rehearsals aren’t going well.  Joan is being pretty mean to SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, and SRB snaps.  I’ll be honest, I can see why, at least with the footage we’re being shown.  Joan has that ‘I’m old and I don’t give a fuck what you think about anything” attitude that drives people up a wall.  On the one hand she deserves respect, but on the other hand, she’s not just not respecting Inna, she’s actively disrespecting her. - Showtime. Bret keeps talking about how important this is, how he supports our troops, how this is for the troops etc.  Here’s the stupid disconnect in the scenario VH1 put together here: these are older vets.  WW2, Korea, there might be a Vietnam guy or two in here.  That’s it.  There are no “troops” per se.  By no means to I mean to denigrate a single one of these vets; on the contrary, I offer nothing but respect and admiration.  Knowing that, I would not subject them to these sluts for even one hot minute.  These used-up cumrags are barely good enough to entertain active duty troops in a war zone after hours.  If you are going to use the “ladies” on this show, you don’t put them in front of old men and demand that the bimbos be respectful; you put them in front of a howling group of young, adrenaline-fueled soldiers and tell the whores to get their fucking kit off, doubletime. On the other hand, this is supposed to fail spectacularly, so as to create more footage for this show.  So let’s just play along, shall we?  ;) - Bill Dwyer hosts.  He’s as funny as AIDS, and not the funny kind of AIDS like on Family Guy.  He intros the first act: Stars & Taps. Uhh...Douche kind of summed it up here: Watching KayJay was like “watching a monkey on crack.” They didn’t do what they planned, which was a thing where Hombre would sort of tap around KayJay in a “professional” manner and KayJay would comically attempt to re-create the steps.  Instead, KayJay just tapped next to Ambre, really, really badly.  No punchline or anything...she just sucked.  So that was a thing that happened. These poor vets. - Up next: “Hula Hoops for our troops.” Bill Dwyer, I hope VH1 paid you a fucking Brinks truck full of money for this, and Bret told a couple of these “ladies” to “take care of you.” Otherwise you made a total jackass of yourself for nothing.  Wait, looking at your IMDB page, I take that back.  This is a step up for you. They tried to play this like they did a horrible strip thing and shocked the audience, but they only went to bathing-suit-type shit. - Douchefessional: “The general and I salute them.” The general being his cock.  Classy as always. - Up next it’s the “Rock of Love Rockets.” Also known as UKRAINIAN LOVE BUS TOURS WORM FARM WHENEVER GOVERNMENT GIVE PETROL COUPONS.  They start out OK, but quickly devolve into just stripping.  Like, sleazy, Angelique-esque whore stripping, not a nice, simple teasing kind of deal.  It’s hard to quantify but that was over the line, probably.  See my earlier rant though.  What the hell did anyone expect? - Last up is Daisy.  Uhh...Oh my...what the frig?  GOD I wish I could vidcap this part.  The vets all rise and sing along.  She’s not just off key, she’s in eleven different keys, three volumes and four different variations of huskiness.  Oh shit she just screwed the words up so, so badly.  She has the words in front of her!  No.  No stop.  How utterly stupid does a person have to be to fuck up a song when they are READING ALONG WITH A LYRIC SHEET?  I expect that sort of thing from Chazz.  Maybe Daisy is just as dumb.  She’s like a stealth dumb.  It’s the kind of dumb you don’t see until it’s too late and she’s already dropped her payload of stupid on your head, and your house is on fire and your dog is dead, and she’s skipping away down the street singing ‘It’s time to get things started, it’s time to light the lights.” - The vets get to pick the winner, by applause.  We’re reminded, for the seven-hundred and ninety-sixth time, that this is important to Inna.  Commercial. - We’re back.  And your winner is...you can just feel the dramatic tension...the applause-o-meter is a nice touch...HULA HOOPS FOR OUR TROOPS is your big, big winner. It was the Constitution that did it.  Fivehead and Chazz get the date. - Back to the Douche Crib.We get our first “awesome” of the episode from Douche..."they did an awesome job.” OK, if you say so.  he made them a special dinner.  “Tonight’s a party night.” And this would be different from any other night how? - Around the table, and Douche decides to read from his script ask a provocative question. “Who is here for the right reasons and who is here for the wrong reasons.” Gee, is this designed to start a catfight?  Why, I nevah! He keep pushing it until someone says something nasty.  He keeps douchefessionaling that he wants more.  His speech keeps getting worse until Hombre decides to throw KayJay////OK that was weird, Hombre just said as I was typing “I’m not one to throw somebody under the bus.” Well then don’t, or you are exactly the one to throw somebody under the bus.  Besides, she’s here to further her acting career anyway, so what the frig?  Oh, she’s getting so emotional!  I totally want to hire her to play rape victim number four on CSI Miami!  She’s so talented. So anyway, she starts in on KayJay.  She’s calling KayJay out about being all involved with her ex, which is 100% true, but she also accuses her of being two-faced, which is hilarious coming from Actressgirl. Kristy Joe confessionals that she’s “appalled.” Her response is basically that she doesn’t care what they think, just what Douche thinks.  He of course throws gas on the fire.  They all start piling on KayJay.  This is such a setup, designed to make her cry and get “good footage” for the show.  Essentially it boils down to Kristy Joe doesn’t want to talk about her feelings in front of the other girls. Now it evolves into some kind of stupid argument between Superworms and KayJay about arguing.  Then Douchebag Michaels does his usual: backstabs a woman.  KayJay stops arguing with Superworms and looks at Bret and says ‘I don’t feel that I have to answer to them, I’m not here for them.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with that on ANY level.  Objectively, if this show were real people and not a fucking cartoon, that answer should satisfy Douche.  But it doesn’t, because he’s a douchebag.  he replies with “I understand you’re not here for them, but here’s what I’m sayin to you: are you fuckin’ here for me or not? Cuz at this point I can’t tell you that I buy it.” Asshole.  Yes, she’s got baggage.  Yes, she’s still a little attached to her ex.  But she’s obviously having some kind of connection to you, and also, in addition, is horribly, horribly uncomfortable having this conversation in front of these viper piranha whorebags. Jesus he’s such a phony.  This is so a performance for the cameras.  If I were in this house...and since I have a brain and a modicum of self-respect I wouldn’t be, but if I were, this right here would make me walk out.  He’s shitting all over her and playing on every weakness he knows she has.  This reminds me so much of when he let Heather get that tattoo...it shows that no matter how charming and sweet he may seem when you meet him after a concert, Bret Michaels is a manipulative, fame-hungry misogynistic douchebag who will fuck with anyone’s life as long as it extends his career by five more minutes. I can’t believe any of these women would want to be anywhere near him after this.  Oh, and some of the girls are NOT participating in this emotional gang-rape, by the way.  Daisy, Inna and Jessica are silent as church mice. Dinner over.  Douche walks out.  “At this point, I’m pissed, I want to be left alone.” You started this, dickface. - KayJay goes up to her room and starts packing.  Chazz tells Hombre that Hombre said what everyone else wanted to say.  Oh, so you’re all lying cunts except for the actress?  Got it.  Hombre confessionals that she feels like she “betrayed” Kristy Joe.  Ya think? - Bret decides to track KayJay down.  he finds her packing and asks her what she’s doing.  her reply might be one of the only real things ever said on this show to date: “I can’t stay here and be fucking fed to the wolves every fucking day and be attacked every fucking day they do it every fucking day.” You know what?  I don’t feel like making jokes about this right now.  That is PRECISELY what this show and Bret Michaels are doing.  They are feeding Kristy Joe to that pack of wolves and creating scenarios just to capture her breaking down on camera.  It’s fucked up, and it stopped feeling like fun about five minutes ago. Bret, you are a douchebag.  Not in a “Hot Chicks With Douchebags,” “ha-ha what a rock star, that guy, tee hee” kind of way, but in a “You are an awful human being” kind of way.  Right now I am sorry I ever started watching this show.  I actually feel a little ashamed of being a (however insignificant) part of this. - He confessionals that he likes crazy girls but this one may be too crazy.” Asshole.  Then he takes her to his room to talk so the wolf pack can’t overhear. - He basically says that her talk about leaving confuses the other girls and him.  Dude, she’s a human being with issues and this is a fucked up situation!  You’re making women actually compete for your attention!  What the fucking hell...seriously this really isn’t fun.  I feel like *I* am the big asshole for letting VH1 know I watched this. Her response is, once again, totally reasonable.  She says she needs to be able to trust him as well.  Yeah, umm...no.  It doesn’t matter what you want or need, sweetheart.  You’re an adornment for his life.  You aren’t a real person.  You are a trophy, a decoration, a warm hole for him to fuck in front of a mirror so he feels less empty, even while he stares only at his own reflection. His response is typical Bret...he douche-fessionals that “She wants to know if I really want her here or want her to go, Problem is, I don’t know her at all.” Holy fucking fuck.  First of all I can’t believe I can’t vidcap this so you can hear the cold sarcasm and disdain in his voice.  Secondly, he knows more about her and her life than he does about any of these others.  third, THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE, ASSHOLE!  You’re supposed to be getting to know them, and instead you keep showing off for the fucking camera. Oh fucking hell, I am taking this way, way too seriously.  How anyone could take this guy seriously, I just don’t know: OK, we need to wrap this segment up and get back to the jokes.  Commercial.  Thank fuck. - We’re back after a short break, and it’s jokey times up in this piece.  I gotta stop thinking this is any kind of real. - Fivehead and Chazz get to go on a date.  Awesome-ometer: 2.  Everyone’s all dramatic.  Jesus, Superworms is rough first thing in the A.M.!  That’s like a Hollywood version of Fidel Castro with slightly less facial hair. - Hombre has to try to clear things up.  Wow.  never saw that coming!  Another chance for dramatics!  Color me shocked. - The date is at some place called ”Ed Hardy” which seems to be a store where you can buy horribly ugly clothing that even Bret should consider God-awful, all based on the tattoo art of Don Ed Hardy.  Jesus Christ, it’s like every tattoo cliche in the world exploded inside a Horrible Rocker Clothing factory, and then they shipped the debris to a landfill wher it was crushed under the weight of three thousand tons of Sturgess brand Cliche Biker Gear, and the resulting slime that oozed out eventually took the shape of Von Dutch trucker hats. Some “designer” dude is making a “couture” piece of “artwork” for them, I guess that’s the date. - Chazz says it’s pathetic that Fivehead is excited that someone is taking her shopping.  Well maybe she doesn’t rent out her ladybusiness to the highest bidder every evening, you fucking jizzmop. - Uhh...the “designer” just took a pair of scissors to a t-shirt.  That’s his “couture?” People in Los Angeles (and any Hot Topic) will buy fucking anything. - Back at the ranch.  Hombre asks KayJay to talk.  She’s kind of being bitchy and trying to make KayJay talk.  KayJay’s confessional is basically that she couldn’t give a fuck if Ambre needs to talk because she feels guilty.  Hombre apologizes and promises in the future to only come to her with any issues she has.  KayJay couldn’t be fucked to care one way or the other, and I don’t blame her. Can I just say here that while I am defending Kristy Joe here, I know she;s a neurotic bundle of mess and should have never come on this show in the first place?  I also think she should get eliminated tonight if for no other reason than to end the bullshit with her ex baggage.  It would also be the first kind thing Bret or this show has done for her.  Cut her loose.  She’s unstable and you’re taking advantage of that, VH1. - Date: lunch time.  What the fuck is Fivehead wearing on her giant melon?  Jesus! They sell that shit?  It looks like a blind mental patient attacked a giant-headed trucker with a Bedazzler!  That’s fucking horrible.  And it makes her fivehead look like a sevenhead. - The gossip starts about Inna of all people, and just to illustrate what a lame fucking douchebag he is, Bret actually says “A-what’s-a-goins-on with her?” Seriously.  he said it exactly like that.  Imagine it in a really lame “I’m country and rocker and cool” douchey voice with half a mouthful of food. So the Inna issue is that SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD yelled at Joan.  They are totally twisting it.  Look, the fact is that Joan was a real bitch to the girls.  Doesn’t matter.  The wolves are circling another weak member of the herd. PREDICTION: Inna is getting eliminated.  KayJay will be last to get a pass, and she’s out next week.  Commercial. - SIDEBAR.  Just when I thought that Fox had set the bar as low as it could be with that lie detector show, I catch this: See, I get that this show is allegedly going to be about the stage mothers and what maniacs they are, but the kids will still be here, and VH1 will actively be setting up situations where these kids will get fucked up for life.  It’s like Fox and VH1 are in a race to see who can get to the bottom of the barrel first. - We’re back.  Almost done. Hmm.  Looks like everyone’s dressed for a funeral except Fivehead. - Superworms wants KayJay’s ass.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is worried.  Hombre is worried.  Douche is wearing a fucking shit-ton of eyeliner again.  Same as it ever was. - Oh my.  In talking about who he was gonna give the first pass to, he said “This is someone who I want to stay in this house because I want a great relationship with no drama, but I also want no mediocracy in my life.” Last year in week 7, Douchebag used the word ”mediocracy” while talking to Lacey.  This is what I said then: “I just want to say this to you. You’re crazy, and as we have talk about...our mediocracy today...and how much I despise mediocracy because I don’t really relate to it...and being creative artists we both understand that...I just want you to realize that in my heart, that I feel that i have a connection to you and the fact that you are crazy for me umm, lets me know where you stand.” DOUCHE. BAG. By the way, Mr. Aging Rock Star, the word you’re trying to say defines part of your artistic life is mediocriTy. With a “T.” Mee-dee-ock-rih-TEE. You stupid fuck. Yeah.  That.  Again. Oh, so the first pass goes to Hombre.  Remember, she was the one that almost got cut, remember!  Also, don’t forget that she almost got cut.  because, if you’ll remember, she wasn’t supposed to make it this far because she almost got cut!  /script. Awesome-ometer; 3. - Next pass goes to Superworms.  He said she dresses sexy and is lookin’ beautiful.  ON WHAT PLANET? - Correction: Kristy Joe’s dress actually looks like she’s going to a goth prom, not a funeral. - Next pass goes to Fivehead.  For what fucking reason i don’t know.  She’s blonde, I guess, and he will eventually cut all non-blondes. - Next pass goes to Chazz.  Blonde, stupid, hot-as-fuck body.  Of course he’s keeping her.  Awesome-ometer: 4. - Two left.  We get reminded yet again that Inna and Bret have drifted apart.  WE FUCKING GET IT VH1!  We’re not goldfish.  We can remember the A storyline from earlier in the episode, especially since you’ve been hammering it into our brains the way Chazz lets Japanese businessmen hammer live squid into her vagina in exchange for dresses and sparkly shoes. Oh come on, you know she fucks for shoes.  Are you kidding me?  She’ll fuck you for one shoe and the hope she might get the mate next week! - I’m still amazed at “mediocracy.” And the fact that he’s still sporting that “American Outlaw” hat all the time. - Next pass (second to last) goes to...Muppetface.  He apologizes for not spending more time with her.  Awesome-ometer: 5. - Last pass.  Oh look!  Inna and Kristy Joe are still here.  Why, once again, I nevah!  Who could have seen this coming?  Besides Louis Braille, I mean. - We’re back.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD versus Dramatic Baggage Lady.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BAGGAGE CARRIES YOU! Sorry. - The pass goes to...here comes the fakeout.  He calls Inna down.  They confessional Superworms getting all happy...so you know it’s a fakeout.  Oh snap.  Your tour ends here, Ukrainian Love Bus.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, SOVIET RUSSIA JOKES LEAVE YOU!  Or something.  Say goodbye to that worn-out crutch of mine.  ;) Oh, Destiney’s face when he tells Inna she’s out is priceless: What’s that thing about chickens and counting? - OH MY GOD THEY ARE PLAYING A BRET MICHAELS SOLO SONG AS INNA LEAVES AND MY EARS ARE THREATENING TO STAGE A REVOLUTION.  CALL FIDEL AND CHE, I NEED TO OPPRESS SOME MUSICIANS. - Destiney is all “what the hell?” Uhh, “the hell” is that you’re an ugly bitch on the inside and out, and KayJay, while an emotional minefield to rival anything left behind in Cambodia or Laos, is hot.  You always look like you got stung in the face by angry wasps and also, coincidentally, are smelling beer farts.  Even when she cries and/or just woke up - which oddly enough often happen together given that she’s so fucking unstable - Kristy Joe looks better than you ever have or ever will.  If Christian Troy were a real doctor and he worked on you for a year, you’d still be half as pretty as Kristy Joe after she got hit in the face with a steamshovel. That might be “the hell” to which you are referring. - KayJay gets the pass, but she also gets a lecture from Douche.  OK, let’s get serious for just one second.  Check this out: “Kristy Joe, before you come down here, I know there is an obvious amount of tension in this house, I think we have gotten further ahead, You’re putting your heart out there a little bit on your sleeve and letting me know where you’re really coming from, (big pause) I hope at this point that it’s not too little too late (big pause) but for now, I’d like you to come down here.” Holy shit.  I mean, holy fucking shit.  Look at that.  It;s so carefully worded so as to destroy any tiny glimmer of self esteem she *might* have picked up from actually getting the pass at all, while still allowing her to cling to the faint hope that maybe he’s really going to pick her after all. What a complete bastard.  He even took it so far as to alter his “catchphrase” and said “Will you continue to try (heavily emphasized) to rock my world?” Douche.  Bag.  HEY!  YOU IN THE BACK ROW!  BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG. Just making sure that’s clear. This is so fucked up.  They are finding any and every way they can to fuck with Kristy Joe and push her buttons.  I almost hope she snaps and starts slitting throats in the night or something.  I suppose that would have made the news if it’d happened. Again, a boy can dream, right? - It’s over.  Scenes from the next: They shoot music videos.  KayJay gets gand-fucked again.  Also, she tells her ex she wants a divorce.  So that’ll be fun, or horribly abusive.  One or the other. That’s enough words now.  Goodnight!