Sat, 02 Sep 2006 23:03:00
That’s just one of the reasons I bathe in the skunk urine
Drumwaster sent this to me and I’ve decided to use it to teach you a few valuable life lessons.
Do you see the inherent dangers in this obviously very real scenario? This is just one of dozens of species of tracking animals that terrorists could use to kill innocent Americans. The razor-toothed marmocet, the spotted kinkajou (venom sacs, that’s all you need to know), the Great Northern Slashing Giraffe - these are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.
The first lesson is that we have to elect politicians willing to secure the borders against this scourge. We not only need better border security to protect against threats like the gun-armed pygmy goat (it fires tiny, sharp projectiles out of a bone, smooth-bore barrel mounted on it’s forearm. If you see one raise up on its hind legs, get down!), but we need to be pre-emptive and get over to Africa and kill every last one of these bastards.
The next lesson I want you to take away from this is scent marking. Three times a day, I bathe in skunk urine. I keep a rotating stock of skunk urine just for this purpose. I have an underground skunk farm with over 397 genetically distinct familial lines of stinkcat (as I lovingly call my little scent-shields). By changing the urine so often, I throw off the hunting elephants, who are well-known as the greatest trackers in nature, just not the strongest swimmers.
I can only pray that Darwin was wrong, because if the Carnivorous African Hunting Elephant should evolve swimming skills, you’re all screwed. They have no natural predators and cannot be stopped by anything short of a nuclear blast. Some say they’re from the future, sent back to kill a boy who will someday grow up to become President of the United States of America and lead the world in ridding the Dark Continent of these killer creatures. I don’t know, I think they might just be hungry.
Like I said, if they figure out that swimming thing, you’re all in the shit. I’ll be fine, I’ve got warehouses full of skunk piss.
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