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Sat, 16 Sep 2006 01:03:00

Survivor: Cook Islands Week 1 - Meet the tribes

It took me awhile to work up the desire to watch the first episode of Survivor, hence my lateness in starting the recaps.  However, I’ll admit, they got my attention, so here we go…

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The premise of this Survivor is that the teams are split into races: Puka is the Asian tribe, Raro is whitey, Hiki is black folk and Aitu are La Raza, the Hispanics.  The show opens with what, I swear to god, looks like a slave ship transporting the tribes to the Cook Islands.  They have two minutes to get anything they can carry off the ship, stiff like logs, chickens, machetes, etc.  We meet the tribes one at a time.

Oh boy...Parvati (Raro) is one of those.  You know...those types.  Airheads.  She’s all “Different ethnic groups?  Is that...kosher?” Gee, I don’t know, Pavarti.  Let me check and see if you’re getting Jewed out of anything by this racial division.  Then again, Jew jokes are funny, that’s whay every person with a 64th of Jewish ethnicity makes ‘em.  Maybe I’m being too hard on this boxer slash waitress.  Maybe she’ll take off her clothes and make up for it.

Billy (Aitu) observes that Hispanics all come from Carribean places so they have a genetic advantage.  Oh yeah?  Well my ancestors came from an island and all I got out of it was a small dick and a love for booze and potatoes so fuck you.

We meet Cowboy (Puka), a man who came over as a refugee after the Vietnam war.  He’s the “oddball” of the show, full of “old world” tall tales and ancient Vietnamese secrets, but bottom line?  He’s my pick to win this thing from jump street.  He’s not going to quit, he’s been through worse, he’s already an outcast according to him...he’ll just get shit done and spin tall tales about bad winds and the sprits of his ancestors.  WHatever, dude.  Just keep chopping shit open for food.  The rest of the Asians don’t seem to like him, especially when he makes Asian jokes...gee, successful Asian-Americans who don’t like the un-ambitious, gregarious old-world Asian with a self-deprecatings ense of humor?  Never saw that before.

Nathan (Hiki) informs us that black people don’t like to be told what to do.  Yeah, because white folks and Hispanics love to take orders.  :)

When we meet the white folks, we find an uncomfortable Abercrombie model, the airhead, a “sorority type,” a guy who thinks he’s funny and a total hippy chick.  She calles herself “Flicka.” She’s actually dumber than the airhead as evidenced by the fact that she lost the chickens five minutes after they landed.

So, then we watch the tribes do stuff, like build shit and find water.  None of this has anything to do with fanning the flames of racism, so it’s boring.  Well, there was that one piece of editing that reinforced the idea that black men are lazy.  Way to go, Mark Burnett!  You’re a genius.

The sorority whore (Team KKK) is already trying to fuck the Abercrombie guy (also Team KKK).

Over on Team Sushi, Crazy Asian Mystic Man, (Cowboy) cured Brad’s headache by talking about wind.  Actually the physical movements he did were the reason the headache went away, the rest was just “Look at me being old-country and shit” posturing.  I don’t care...they guy gets things done, I’m telling you.

The challenge is long, ridiculous and too complicated to recap.  All I know is the Asians won the fire kit.  Those smart Asians… Anyway, Hiki lost.  They get to send someone to Exile Island.

Seriosuly.  Exile Island.  What the fuck is this, a Pirates of The Carribean ride?

Anyway, they send Jonathan as retribution for stealing the Asian Team’s chicken.  What a stupid move.  Instead of sending one of the strong players form the winning team, they send a guy who contributed nothing to the third-place teams.

Hiki tribe (A.K.A Team Ghetto) is split along gender lines.  Rebecca and Sundra are like two peas in a pod and Stephannie is with them.  Gee.  Black men don’t support their women.  Never saw that stereotype on TV before.  I fully expect baby daddy jokes any minute now.

Sekou is running game on everyone.  He talks around the fact that he actually doesn’t know his ass from his elbow, but he talks his face off until you don’t notice.  He’s all “I can build fire.” Really?  When?  You gonna get on that any time soon?

“Naturally the women will stick together, and the men will stick together that’s just natural.” It is?  Maybe this is a cultural, social thing, because I don’t naturally bond with anyone based on gender.  The very idea feels foreign to me.  I bond with people who have something to offer.

They voted Sekou off...good.  He was all mouth.  All hat and no cattle.

Next week I’ll try to liveblog it...doing this after I watch the show just doesn’t work for me.  If I’m going to be making racist snark jokes for the next upteen weeks, I need to be in the moment, man...in the moment.

If you;re interested in how the layout of the Cook Islands is being used, this is a map of the tribal areas and this is a map of the entire island system including production locations.

So, see you next week, Survivor racists, and I BLAME THE JEWS!  I don’t know what for, but what the hell, fill in your own Mel Gibson jokes here.

(Tracked back at Linkfest Haven)


Posted by JimK at 01:03 AM on September 16, 2006
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