Rock Of Love Week 7 - Show Me Your Hits or, “Look!  I made a douche-funny with ‘hits’ and ‘tits!‘“

Will this be the week that the spritely Jes finally has enough and caves in the face of worn-out whorebucket Lacey?  We can only hope.  Will Bret find Heather’s driver’s license and find out she’s really 53?  Fates willing, it will happen.  Will Mia finally say anything at all?  Who cares.  Time to whore it up!

First off, a glossary of the whores that are left:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word "Douche."
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja, Red Cuntya
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess. Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)

- Previously on Rock Of Love: the recap is about the dramz around Red Cuntya, the psychotic cunt-faced whorebag.

- Jesus, every week that intro just astounds me with the many layers of douche and stupid.

- WOW. Another shot of the "ladies" waking up. Stripper ShowMyTits looks every day of fifty-three years old. Oh, for a high-def TV I could photograph to show you! God that woman could strip the paint off a taxi with her morning face.

- "Mia's still kind of in the background." Good. Just cut her, she's nowhere near a stupid enough whore for you. Also, Douchebag has some "important work" in the studio for the next few days. Important? That would imply that three monkeys throwing crap at a plugged-in Les Paul couldn't replicate your tracks, buddy. And that bears banging randomly on keyboards couldn't write lyrics that would blow your shit out of the water for pennies a day. Hell, I could outsource this whole thing to a blind, deaf and dumb halfway house full of syphilitic Balinese lepers and the final project would go gold faster than whatever pile of elephant shit you're going to release. Important? Being the president of the hair club for men doesn't make you important, Bret. It makes you a douchebag.

- A note. I have to share.

What's goin' on my Sexy Six
Sorry I can't be there to love on you chicks
Better get ready cause today anything goes
It's time to rock the camera and strike a pose.

I really hope an intern is writing these.

- Off to a photo studio, and an "old friend of Bret's" named Evo Lopez. Red Cuntya somehow thinks being a shitty musician means she knows all about album covers. The rules are, two teams. Team one, Jes, Sam, Lacey, Team two Heather, Mia and Brandi M. One person gets to be creative director for the team and the other two are models. The creative person gets a solo date, models get a double date.

- It shakes out that Punky and Meadow Soprano end up as directors. Fucking HELL...Sturgess and Aging BarWhore Stripper Grandma are modeling for their team? Jesus ever-loving Christ on a cracker. Do they have spare cameras? Stripper ShowMyTits is essentially acting as director anyway. And wants to trash it all the fuck up. Because she is trash. So no surprise there.

- Meanwhile, back on the Punky/Cunty/Emotional Wreck front, Lacey is chock full of shitty ideas, even though she isn't the director. Jes: "Lacey's trying to tell us what to do and...it's just...it's not really working, her ideas are...crackhead ideas." Hey maybe that;s it. Cuntya is a crackhead! That sure would explain some things.

- "Heather was supposed to be...a sexy woman...and I think that she looked a little more...drag queenish." Oh FUCK yes, Mia shoots and scores. Heather looks for all the world like a middle-aged queen on the wrong end of a week-long Navy shore leave. Donna: "Of course Bret'll be into that." True, true. His bad taste in women is becoming legendary. And he's a douchebag. Then Sturgess decides to dress like a man. I couldn't tell the difference. The idea now is that Stripper ShowMyTits is posing on the hood of this muscle car and Sturgess, dressed as a man, is...uhh...helping? Watching? Masturbating? It's stupid.

- The other team is doing a good/evil, heaven/hell thing. They're arguing about bad cliches and end up with "Love dances with the devil." Fucking hell that's a cliche. Sam is laying on the bed and Lacey is "dominating" her. As they start to shoot, Lacey tries taking over and every idea she has is so fucking lame. God she's perfect for Bret except for the PETA thing! She's stupid, shallow, thinks she's talented and ultimately is about as substantial as spun sugar. If sugar tasted like battery acid that is. Because I don't mean to imply she's sweet. I bet her snatch tastes like putrid balsamic vinegar mixed with Korean fish sauce. It's too bad she's such an unbelievable cunt too, because she's got great rock hair and a fairly hot body. Except I want to punch her in the stomach instead of jizz on it. So there's that.

- So Lacey tells the camera that she's going to tell Bret that the whole thing was her idea. She says it like we weren't watching Sam come up with the idea, and Jes come up with the name, and Jes pick the final image, and his "old friend" the photographer whisper to Jes that Lacey was a total bitch and should be kicked squarely in the babymaker. OK, what he really said to Punky was "God bless you with that one." What we all know he meant was "If I was a woman, I'd be in jail for killing that fucking bitch by stabbing her face eleven times with a broken shard of one of my camera lenses."

I realize I have hostilities toward Lacey, but seriously, she deserves them. Jes' reply to him was "I bite my tongue every day of my life with her." See, there;s your problem right there. You should be biting her tongue. And half her face.

- The other team is being dominated by Heather. "Sex sells, dammit, plus Bret will love it." yeah, he probably will. I will say this, Sturgess is being kind of funny through the whole thing. "We're gonna win. Even mah bawlz're tellin' me." "It felt alright. My balls itched a little during it..." OK, she said two semi-amusing ball jokes. I;m trying to find something nice to say OK? God. I can't hate them all every minute of the day.

Wait, what am I saying? Of course I can. Except Jes. We like her. Anyway, down to photo selection. They argue constantly and are down to the final 45 seconds without a decision. Teamwork is awesome! Commercial.

- Back, and we're still picking an image. Heather ultimately decides, of course. Back to the house. Lacey's trying to plot to get the solo date with Bret, as she somehow has decided in her crazy crackhead mind that she really did do everything. Huh. I think she actually believes it, as she's whispering to her fellow cunt and confessor, Heather. Punky and Sturgess are chatting and Sturgess is all "Why did you Back down to her?" Good question. Red Cuntya is a bully bitch. Face her down and she folds.

- Package at the door - proofs of the cover, with criticisms from Evo. Lacey is trying to take the presentation (to Douchebag) away from Jes and Jes is all "No." "She's just a conniving bitch." Alterna and Punky are insanely frustrated and would like to shoot Red Cuntya. So do it already! First reality TV murder! Think of the ratings.

- The other team - Evo is asking what the hell the picture is about, and that Sturgess dressed up as a gray-haired wrench jockey seems to be saying that they're calling Bret old. Umm...first of all what? Secondly Bret is old. An old douchebag. They;re trying to work out an explanation for the shitty photo, and it's going nowhere. I have an idea: The old grey-haired guy represents Bret Michael's relevancy to the music world; the muscle car represents his former glory, like Detroit used to be a great city. The "hot blonde" represents old stripper whores who are way past their prime, named heather.

I know, that last one isn't too symbolic. Look at what I'm working with, people.

- On the patio, the ladies are chatting with Lacey about what a cuntrag whore bitch fucking evil cunt she is. She;s freely admitting to her ... everything i just said with a "-ness" added to the end. Sturgess asks her if she thinks Bret would appreciate her treating this all as a game. Of course he would? He's a flipping retard! He's as shallow and easily manipulated as any other fame-starved attention whore on the planet. Pretend to care about his needs for eight seconds and he'd probably buy you a fucking car at this point he's so desperate to feel like he matters.

Anyway, Jes tried to tell Lacey in somewhat polite terms that she is a cunt. Lacey also claimed to "pick the picture." Uhh...Jes picked it. We just saw it. Red Cuntya really is delusional. Commercial.

- Back, and Punky told Alterna what Lacey said...and Alterna gets right up in her grill and calls her an idiot. Right to her face.

- YAY! Douchebag is back. It's like a cloud of sunchine. if sunshine were made of noxious ass-gas. So we watched the whole unveiling of the album cover photo shoot things, but mere words cannot do this justice. Through the magic of pointing my ancient Canon digital camera at my TV, I bring you: the album covers.



I wish I had something nice I could say about that. Mia stammered her face off. The concept when you feel that things in your life can't be fixed and you've hit an all-time low." Donna: "They certainly captured Bret's career!" Doh. Eventually, Bret was forced to say that the colors "pop." That's the nicest thing he could think of to say. In a confessional he says "We got hot Heather and hot Brandi, why aren't they straddling the hood of the car?" Because they're not hot, your eyesight is going faster than your hairline and this whole thing is an exercise in how low an aging rocker and a bunch of whores will go for a paycheck?

I mean, off the top of my head. I mean if you forced me to answer.

And just to keep you informed, here's the other team:



This is so up Bret's alley. It's trashy cliche. It's *somewhat" semi-attractive chicks in a trite, hackneyed pose, with a seventh-grade "bad girl" poetry title. Of course he's going to LOVE this. Evo is all about the fact that this is a cliche. Ya think? Jes explain that the contrast is that Cunty McWhorebucket's eyes are "evil-ish" and AlternaCrazyBitch's eyes are "dreamy." To which Cunty McSociopath says in a confessional: "Jes called my eyes "evil-ish" I think Jes sees me as evil, maybe she's intimidated by that." Or she just like...met you. And can see. And hear. Helen Keller would know you;re an evil cunt from across the street, ya worn out bag.

Bret warned them that a cover like that will never see a store in the Bible Belt. He picked it anyway. Duh. Lacey and Sam get a double, and Jes gets to solo date. CUT TO: Red Cuntya bitching up a storm that Punky gets it. Oh go fuck yourself already. Die in three fires.

- Once more, Red Cuntya heads to the Fortress of Douchitude and once more, Bret "I'm so fucking stupid anyone with a vagina can gossip me into a decision" will swallow her load. She tells him she was responsible for everything, even though it's a lie.

- Red Cuntya heads outside to the patio and Jes calls her out in front of everyone - "You in there talking about how you think you did everything?" Red Cuntya stammers and lies and eventually gets so flustered she gets up and walks away. Classic. Stupid bitch. Jes decides to go to Douchebag herself. FINALLY. Look, if you are serious about this - and god help you if you are - you need to start handling this bitch, Punky.

- It went nowhere. She told Bret that Lacey was two-faced, manipulative and a liar. Bret's reply was "There's just something about her." Either he's as dumb as I think he is, or they are paying him a lot of cash to look like a complete tool to the eleven people that watch this shit-tastic show. The only reason to keep Lacey at this point is her flair for creating drama and bullshit.

- Double date - Rock, paper, scissors for the front seat of the fairly hot convertible Bentley, and Alterna wins.

- Cut to the house and OH MY GOD HEATHER IS TOPLESS AGAIN. What the fuck, doesn't this bitch every wear a shirt for fuck's sake? NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THEM, YOU ARE OLD AND UGLY AND A CARRIER FOR DISEASES THE CDC HAVEN'T EVEN CATALOGED YET! She's talking to Sturgess. They're pissed about Mia fucking their shit up. Cumface's big plan is to take "sexy photos of us, to counteract the album." She should be used to that. Hey, you know what makes literally the PERFECT replica for semen? Sprint Aquatics Swim & Sport conditioner. I swear to God, add the tiniest bit of any white conditioner to it and you have the perfect jizz simulator. I say spread it all over Brandi's face and take all sorts of photos! It'll be awesome, and she's so good at it!

- On the date: they went to a place called "Neptune's Net" It looks like a pretty low-end joint. He asks the two of them if Jes did a good job. Sam says yes, Red Cuntya runs Jes down. Douchebag, in a confessional, pretends like it concerns him that Lacey is always "throwing the other girls under the bus." Like he gives a shit? This means nothing to him. Run, Sam, RUN! Run away!

Donna: "You know what's wrong with her? She's just not material for a rock star's girlfriend, she doesn't have the discretion for it. She's not even good enough to be a mouth wiper. She's the kind of mouth wiper that would immediately run to Metal Sludge and tell all his business there." 100% spot-on accurate. By the way, if you can't figure out what a mouth wiper is...think what a girl coming off the tour bus would have to do after, you know, taking it in the face.

That's right. She'd have to wipe her mouth. The problem with Lacey is, she's so fucking keen to talk shit about everyone, she'd forget to wipe her mouth and start talking so fast that cum would dribble down her chin and stain her PETA shirt. If she wasn't already using it as a cuntrag to soak up the roadie jizz she had to take in order to even get to the rock star, that is.

- Lacey gets up to go pee. Sam drop the hammer on Lacey. Don't waste your time, sweetie. He doesn't care. Then we get that scene from last week's preview...here's what I wrote, so I don't have to re-type it: Sam, talking to Bret alone: "The side that she doesn't show you is this manipulative (edit) malicious (side) (edit) can you really trust that?" Bret: "I...I dunno" Sam interrupts - "Look at me. Can you trust...can you trust that" "No." "Then what are you doing?" Bret has no reply. Commercial.

- Back, and Douchebag goes directly from the Crabshack to his date with Jes. He's taking her on the Hollywood taxi. It was only a matter of time until we saw it again. "Look at me, I'm so cool! Remember when you all used to see this bike on MTV? I used to be famous! Hold me! Love me! Fuck me!" They take off, and Punky is talking about Bret's hair blowing in her face. I think she meant his wig. I'll let it slide.

- Back at the house, and Sturgess and Stripper ShowMyTits are taking "sexy pictures." I guess. I mean, I find the two of them about as sexy as the thought of Tony Soprano spread-eagled on a buffet table, winking at me and holding a rose in his teeth.

I have very detailed fantasies nightmares.

Mia offers to take the photos and the ladies, such as they are, decline, so Meadow knows that something is up. What a master detective she is! I'm so proud.

- Back to the date. He took her to a private beach. Why are all Bret's dates free, or comped like that hockey thing? Doesn't this guy every spend any money for his woman?

- House: Lacey is all pissed that the two strippers are taking semi-pornographic pictures. Wait, I thought Heather was Cunty McCuntCunt's BFF? See how fast the worm turns? heather is now a stripper whore who can't be trusted.

Hey whorebag, remember last week, when you asked why the girls all felt you were "not sincere?" It's because, and I know this is crazy - you're not sincere, Cunty.

- On the date, Jes and Bret are hitting it off. Dammit. I feel so bad for her. I'm so disappointed in her for liking this douchebag. And this is why. This is Bret, talking about the date in a confessional: "I was having an awesome time with Jes, we got there on the beach, it was beautiful, it was sunset, it was romantic...we got to suck face, which is always a good thing." Total douche. He's thinking "suck face" and she's thinking romance.

- Back to the house and douchebag finds the photos. First fuck thing out of his douche fuck mouth: "AH-Whassa goin' awnn!" I fucking hate you, Bret Michaels. You have forever ruined the music of Poison and I hate you for being such a god-damned, unmitigated douchebag. You're a tool, and I hate you. You hear me, Rock Star? I hate you. because you are a douchebag.

Anyway, he liked the pictures and then Mia walks up. Douche is all "I'm running late" as he's made dinner for the "Sexy Six." He keeps calling them that. like it's fucking cool. Like anyone with an ounce of self respect wouldn't sooner die than be filmed saying that over and over and over. Not our Douchebag, though. He's like herpes, which I'm sure he knows is the gift that keeps on givin'. Then, as he does a confessional talking about sitting down for some "chow," he does this little douchey hand gesture like he's slurping soup and it makes me want to alternately kill myself for watching and kill him for...everything.

- Dinner. Douchebag pops a champagne cork, and literally eyechecks the camera, like "Did I look cool doing that? Did I look young and rockin'?" DOUCHEBAG. Lacey lectures about PETA shit. Sturgess rolls her eyes about forty-six times then just gets up and leaves. Bret follows her into the otehr room. Sturgess is pretty upset about Lacey and tells Bret. Douche claims that he is seeing that Lacey's hated by all, and begs Sturgess to calm down and wait for elimination. Why? So we can all watch you not eliminate the drama cunt again?

- Big John walks in and says it's time for elimination, no one-on-one convos. Say goodbye to Mia, everyone. Commercial.

- We're back, and it's time for eliminations. Everyone's hoping that Douchebag sees Red Cuntya for what she is. Good luck with that. Douchey is wearing a straw cowboy hat that is painted black and all patchy and faded, and a snakeskin pleather blazer.

- Jes gets a pass, and Red Cuntya complains in her confessional "It's just not fair." Heather stays. Sam stays. Brandi stays. Mia and Lacey are left. Lacey gets to stay. What a big, big surprise.

OK, wait a holy fucking minute here. I have to transcribe this for you. Douchebag says the following to Lacey as he gives her a pass:

"I just want to say this to you. You're crazy, and as we have talk about...our mediocracy today...and how much I despise mediocracy because I don't really relate to it...and being creative artists we both understand that...I just want you to realize that in my heart, that I feel that i have a connection to you and the fact that you are crazy for me umm, lets me know where you stand."

DOUCHE. BAG. By the way, Mr. Aging Rock Star, the word you're trying to say defines part of your artistic life is mediocriTy. With a "T." Mee-dee-ock-rih-TEE. You stupid fuck.

In post, Mia is sad not really because she lost Bret, but that she lost to the cunt. hey, I done told you bitches, suck up to the has-been's ego and he'll give you anything you want. Bret thinks Lacey fights for her man and he digs her. Moron. He toasts the "Fab Five." God he's a douchebag.

Next time: Superfans come to the house to find out who is phoney. OK...this should be interesting, one of the girls asks if Jes is a good kisser, so Jes makes out with her. Last shot - someone got a Bret tattoo on their neck. Along with a big pimple.

Also next week, Sam loses her shit, so maybe this is the week she leaves. I'd say I can't wait, but I can. I wish this show only aired every 7 years, like the Vulcan need for sex. Then at least I could try to temper it with thoughts of T'Pol in heat from the pon farr.

Posted by JimK at 11:47 PM on August 26, 2007
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love
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