Rock Of Love Week 6 - Tour Bus Challenge or “Who wants to blow a douchebag on this bus?”

Another week, another series of dramatic whore activities!  Yay for crap television!  Yes, I realize that “crap” and “television” may be redundant.  :)

The glossary, with all the remaining love warriors:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word "Douche."
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess. NEW ADDITION - Variations on anything to do with amateur porn and cumming on the face. Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis. Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.

And so we begin.

- Recap is all about the letter and StripperShowMyTits and Red Sonja's campaign of lies against Heartland Hooters.

- We open on a morning. I assume it's the morning after eliminations? Big John walks into Sturgess, Meadow and Punky;s room at 6 AM and wakes 'em up...whereupon Sturgess says she'd like to punch him in the balls. That is kind of early. Cut to the douchebag who says that the girls have to start stepping up and giving him their A game. This has what the fuck to do with getting up at 6 AM? John brings the rest of the girls, gathered in the kitchen, a poem that talks about road skills. They think it's about riding motorcycles again. It's not. It's about being the rock "god's slave, bitches. You get to clean the tour bus, watch. Do the laundry, service the rock star...generally be his unpaid labor for the potential chance to maybe get to perform oral sex on him after the show - before he showers. What a fucking treat!

- It's Douchey's birthday. Happy 56th, Bret. He's wearing the American Outlaw hat that makes him look like three, three, three douchebags in one.

- John gets the ladies on the bus and holds a hat. There are little stations set up around a big parking lot, each one represents a city. Names in a hat: name gets drawn, and that person gets to pick an opponent against whom they will compete. Punky gets first draw. She picks Chick With A Penis. First "city?" New York City.

- There's a pile of clothes and an empty suitcase. Your mission, should you choose to be a moron and accept it, is to pack the clothes in the suitcase and get it on the bus. Wow. Tough. What an exciting challenge. Of course they just stomp the clothes in and force them closed. Oh my god the action! Jes gets a sweater stuck in the zipper and holy crap! Underdog PenisLady wins the challenge! It's an upset! HOOOOOLEEEEEEEE COW! I think she's gonna make it! Wait, that's not funny, Phil Rizzuto just died. Sorry Yankee fans. Anyway, Punky has to sit on the bench by the city sign.

- Next "city" is Philly. Magdelena happens to get picked out of the hat and picks Alternachick as her opponent. The challenge is to change clothes in a portapotty, and they have to change into the whoreish rock clothes provided. The rules are that all clothes must be fully on, buckled, tied or whatever, with the shoes "wrapped around twice and tied in the back" whatever the fuck that means. Oh, and the portapotty is filthy and stinks.

- The outfit as described by Sam: "...a crotchless lace onesie, high heels shoes, a corset and a miniskirt that is actually like a belt." So, then my Sunday-Go-To-Meetin' outfit then? I look so awesome in crotchless lace, I gotta say. Sam got it right, as she tied her shoes properly. Also, they're wearing, on top of the corset, a white handkerchief top tied in the front. It kind of looks like they were dressed by a blind special-ed student that flunked out of special-ed design school.

- Next "city" is Detroit, and Lacey gets the pick - she picks Sam. Since Detroit is a scum pit filled with garbage and refuse, the challenge here is to dumpster dive for Bret's favorite guitar pick. Jesus H. Christ this is demeaning. The dumpster is so unbelievably foul. Alternachick wins. In her crotchless outfit.

- Nashville is next, and there's a stack of guitar gear. StripperShowMyTits gets the pick, and she picks Meadow Soprano. Because she wants to "kick her ass." Why, for being fairly nice and polite? Somehow that seems to offend the Great and Powerful Bar Cooze. The challenge is to set up the gear and "make noise." Right. because we all know that trophy girlfriends are also guitar techs for big name rock bands. Fucking I feel stupider and we're only 9 minutes in. It's pretty dumb, as neither girl thinks to plug in the fucking amp. It's like watching stupidity have a fight with idiocy and trying to cheer for someone. The one semi-amusing thing was that Sturgess actually used a little reverse psychology; she told heather she was really good at electronics, and that made heather pick someone else. Truth is Sturgess couldn't set up a domino if you painted an arrow on it that told her which side to put down.

Ultimately, John had to tell them to plug them in. Mia won. StripperShowMyTits takes a seat.

- Next "city" is Seattle. Three ladies are left on the bus: Sturgess, Meadow and Alternachick. Sturgess gets to pick, and she picks Mia. The challenge is that because "sometimes Bret forgets the words," they have to arrange the chorus to "Every Rose" on a big magnetic poetry board. Seriously, did the show pay the license fee for this Poison song and no others? Does every fuck thing that uses a Poison song have to be 'Every Rose?" Pony up five bucks for one of the other tracks you cheap fucks. Mia's all like she knows this so she's got it. Meadow Soprano calls done, only this was her version of the chorus, line breaks just as she arranged them:

every night has its dawn
just like every cowboy sings its sad
sad song every rose has its thorn
just like every rose has his thorn


Wow. Sturgess calls done. It looks right. She wins. Meadow Soprano takes a seat. Commercial.

- Back and it's down to Sturgess and Alternachick. I'm on the edge of my seat with antici.....

- The last "city: is LA. Hopefully the challenge won't be that they have to run naked through East LA wearing a sign that says "Illegal Immigrants Go Home!" Because the cholos would shoot them dead. See what I did there? Racism, cultural insensitivity and stereotyping all in the same joke! Fuck I'm awesome.

The real challenge is to hurdle a series of velvet ropes, push past a football practice dummy dressed as Big John, and make it to Bret. Alternachick has to do this in her slut gear, which seems entirely unfair. But amusing. one slo-mo minute later, Sturgess muscles her way to victory and a "really kickass" date with Doucherag McDouchenozzle. His words, not mine.

- Oh. My. God. I've decided that telling you how much of a douche Bret was isn't gonna cut it. I have to show you. As the bus pulls up. take a gander at how Mr. I'm Still Relevant decides to try to show off:



Sitting there playing a shitty riff. You can smell the douche right through your monitor, can't you? I imagine it like this:

"You guys got me and the bus in the shot?"
"Yes Bret."
"Can you see me riffing and everything? Should I hold the guitar at an even more unnatural angle so you can see my fingers not matching the notes that are coming over the teevee?"
"No Bret, it looks great."
"Can you see my bald spot(s)?"
"No Bret, you look great."
"Cool."

What I'm saying is, Bret Michaels is a douchebag. Anyway, Sturgess steps off the bus. FUCK HE DID IT AGAIN. "Whass'a'goin' awn?" God it makes him sound so douchey when he says that.

- Back at the house, Lacey is upset that she's not getting any time with Bret, so she goes to StripperShowMyTits and says "We have to gang up on Sam and get her outta here." Well, we know it works, as we got that inside scoop a couple weeks back. They know she's emotional about being "cheated" on, so they decide to take advantage of that.

- In walk Douche and Sturgess. Barmaid StripperWhore, in a confessional vid, says that it was "luck of the draw" that Brandi M. won, that it's "not like she earned it." Baroo? (head cocked to one side like a puppy) She totally earned it by humiliating herself just like all the other whores did. It's called competition, and it's part of the show you silly bitch.

- Bret leaves to go to the studio or something, and the ladies are decorating the house with really stupid handmade signs. Lacey made one that said "Happy Birthday (heart symbol) Lacey." It;s supposed to say "Happy Birthday, Love Lacey." Instead it looks for all the world like she's wishing herself a happy birthday. Oh, and Chick With A Big Cock does a little helium and for the first time, sounds feminine.

- The Prodigal Douchebag returns and "the party started right there." Christ. "When I blew out those candles, I was thinkin' the magnificent seven are lookin' hot and my wish was to have the most awesome, kick ass time. Now that's a birthday gift that just keeps on givin'." What the fuck? Is this like some weird version of "downhome country wisdom," where really stupid shit sounds somehow profound because of the syntax? I swear to God if anyone every tried to make him explain his douchebag nuggets of douchery knowledge, his fucking head would explode and bits of Bald Bret Michaels would fly all over these "hot" lookin' women.

- HOLY SHIT! A different Poison song! They are playing 'Nothin' But A Good Time." Wow. All the ladies are partying except PenisChick. Everyone does a pole dance, and then, Douchebag gets real excited because Sam gets up. And making me out as a liar, yet another Poison song starts to play - Unskinny Bop. I guess someone realized that playing seventy-three variations on "Every Rose" wasn't gonna cut it. Oh, also, Alternachick wasn't very good...as we break for commercial, Red Cuntya decides that she's "gonna have to do somethin' about this." Sorry to keep using the C-word, ladies, but Lacey is straight up, no bones about it, no other word for it, a See You Next Tuesday. She was cunty before cunty was...well...cuntish.

- Back, and Doucherag McVinegarAndWater is paying too much attention to Sam. Lacey walks up to Douchebag and tries to deep-kiss him, and StripperFeelMySnatch is letting Douchebag...uhhh...feel her snatch. Of course Sam saw it and walks away. Beginning of her deciding to leave, folks.

- Cut to next day. Alternachick is mad and yelling at everyone. Needless to say Cunty One and Cunty Two (Lacey and Heather) are ecstatic. They're communing over a frying pan full of what I assume is soy-based, cunt-powering super bitchfood. Plotting to take out yet another chick that they can't outclass. I almost think Bret deserves one of these two whores. Lacey of course decides to "take it upon myself to let Bret know" about Sam's freaking out. Jesus. He;s so fucking dumb that he actually believes that Lacey is concerned. He doesn't see it for the total cunt move that it is. Again: maybe he deserves her.

- Lacey goes to the Fortress of Douchitude where SuperDouche is likely still asleep. She knocks, and IHaveACockAndBalls says, under her breath to the other girls that if "he's locked in his room it probably means he doesn't want to fucking see you, how 'bout it?" Oddly, her mannish Polish wisdom is spot on here if this were anyone else, but this is Douchebag McStupidFuck, who believes anything that Lacey and heather say, because apparently he's also a gossipy little bitch at heart. He's not asleep...and willing to eat it all up with a spoon. Red Cuntya goes off about how if Bret was on the bus with a lot of girls, Sam couldn't handle it...and Stupid is eating it up like it was strawberry flavored pussy. "I really appreciated everything that Lacey told me..." That's because you;re stupid.

- Cut to StripperShowMyTits sitting by the pool showing her tits...nice blur action, Mr. Editor. This is one case where I am glad they don't show nudity on regular TV. I need to see Heather's tits like I need to finger-fuck one of the 80 year old women in my physical therapy class at the pool. Anyway, The McCunty Twins are cackling over advancing their plot, which we already know works. They plan to hit Chick With A Penis next.

- Bret comes to Sam's room and she's folding clothes. "You're not leaving are you?" Yeah, she is, because you're a dick and she can tell. "The only person you need to get close to is me." she answers with "How am I supposed to get close to you when girls are grinding up on you?" Well, on the one hand, he's a former rock star, so girls are gonna do that. On the other hand, this is supposed to be about a real relationship (fuck I can't believe I just wrote that) so I get her point. How does WonderDouche respond? With a confessional vid that states, and I quote: "In order to make any relationship work, there's gotta be some level of trust, and I think Sam is harboring some...sever mistrust...issues." Yes, she is, and you aren't helping by acting like a whore yourself, Douchebag.

Sam tells Bret that she was in a pretty bad abusive relationship when she was 21. The guy was a drug addict that cheated on her "every night with a different girl" and she swore she'd never put herself in that position again. Sure. I get it. And I agree that she shouldn't be here. I'm a little confused as to why she signed up at all, given that this whole whore thing was pretty much a guarantee. After all, Rock of Love is just a white person's "Flavor of Love," where a bunch of hoochie mamas and potential baby factories signed up to act like sluts and whores in order to win the affection of one Mr. Flava Flav.

In other words, what the fuck did you expect, girl? Pack your shit and go. Douchebag is saying in a confessional that maybe he is going to let her go just for her own sanity. Trust me, dick, she's gonna beat you to the punch.

- Big John has another horrible poem. Brandi M. gets to go on a date with Bret tonight to "party with the Anaheim Ducks." As she put it. "There's nothin' like beer and men with sticks. Bring it." Hoo-kay...

- The date is dinner in the VIP suite.

Bret: "Do you have more guy friends or girl friends?" Brandi: "Guy friends. And the girlfriends I have are lesbians."

BIKER LESBIANS! Cool.

She goes on: "I'm not gonna turn gay, don't worry. I can't see myself marrying a woman. I'll have sex with one though, don't get me wrong, but then I'll kick her out afterwards." Damn, girl! Love that. Am I going to have to start liking Sturgess here? Dear God...this feels wrong. But...a woman that would have sex with other girls then throw them out of the house? Oh wait, I married one of those. Nevermind. I'm an idiot. :)

DISCLAIMER (forced to write this by the wife): DONNA HAS NOT ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. SHE HAS MADE OUT WITH ONE, JUST NOT HAD SEX WITH ONE. End Disclaimer.

Disclaimer addendum by Jim; YET.

Moving on. :)

- Back at the house, Lacey found a note from Bret. It says that the date will run late and Douchebag will not get to see them again until elminiation time. Their instructions are to work together to make a list of why each girl in the house should be kicked out. This doesn't seem very Brett-like. I assume that it's a producer thing.

They sit around the table not talking. Needless to say, Lacey takes the lead here. She decides, lo and behold, to start with Alternachick. Confessional vid from Sam: "Lacey is a nasty, mean fucking cunt bitch _beep_ _beep_." We can't see her mouth for the last two, but "whore scumbag" would fit nicely. Back to the table and Punky is all "I don't want to fucking do this." No one but Barmaid AgingStripper and Cuntface Extraordinaire want to do this! Jes says it's Heather's turn. Jes says that the reason Old Barmaid Stripper Whore should leave is because they haven't seen who she really is. To which Heather replies, as if it were something she should be bragging about, that this is totally who she is, like, every day. Wow. If that's who you really are...I'm sorry for you, your thirteen illegitimate children, the eleven baby daddies who sired them, and the nine social workers who have to supervise your visits with them at the foster homes they're probably in. Lacey tells Mia that she's not interested in Bret romantically. Confessional: "Lacey is a complete, crazy, psychotic, cold-hearted bitch." How come everyone but Bret sees it? Oh yeah. Bret Michaels is a douchebag. Sometimes I forget. :)

When discussing Brandi, Lacey says "I want you to write: Do you really want a girl who's known for blowjobs?" Hmm. I wish I could call Red Cuntya out for this one, but unfortunately, she's right. brandi M. is also Pamela, a star on Amateur Facials dot com (Not Safe For Work!). She's famous, as far as internet whores can be famous, for taking loads of jizz to the face for a small remittance.

Again, nothing against porn chicks, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with one unless I was her only on-screen partner. And since I'm far, far to beautiful for porn, and the mere sight of my chiseled body would drive women and men alike into a rutting frenzy, it's better for you all that I don't talk my wife into doing this. I would break your mind, I'm so....delusional. I think the word is delusional. Delusional means "Extra fucking hot" right?

- Back to the table, and Jes is next. Her age and her location are the "problems?" OK. Next is our Polish tranny, and Red Cuntya tells her that Dick&Balls doesn't have "true feelings for him and you;re here just to get on TV." Holy pot and kettle Batman! Of course, Tranny confesses that she thinks Lacey looks like a man.

I'm so fresh out of ways to say that is ironic, it's not even funny.

- Lacey's up next. Sam says that she's not sincere - about anything. Jes says "not sincere and can't control anger." Mia agrees. Lacey gets angry, proving Jes right. Why is she mad, by the way? "Because you guys are telling Bret something wrong about me." HOLY FUCK! I feel like my arms are going to break from the weight of all this irony! Someone help me! I can't hold it all up...must. Drop. Cunty's. Hypocrisy! Jes says they just need to get this shit done. Cunty confesses that these bitches can't take her down. She's probably right, because Bret is a fucking moron. And a douchebag. Commercial.

- Aside: Cunt cunty cunts. Lacey from Rock of Love is a cunt. Google that, show fans.

- Back to the date with Sturgess and Douchebag. They're watching the hockey game. "Brandi's kind of a tomboy. She's one of those girls that can change your tire, and at the same time you wanna have sex with her. That's a win-win." HOLY FUCKING KEY-RIST! I am forced to agree with BuddhaDouche here. I do find that appealing. As long as I can fuck her while she's changing my tire, of course. Grease, sweat...cars zooming by at 65 miles an hour, me droppin' a load on Mz. Amatuer Facials here. Hells yeah. A-whass'a goin' awn, yall. Let's rock the party.

Oh fuck. I think I've been infected with Bret's douche virus. Anyway, Bret and Facial enjoyed themselves. Cut to the house.

- They come home, and Bret runs off to his Fortress of Douchitude. Punky tells Sturgess what the days activity was. Mia tells her straight out that all they said bad about her was that she makes "body sounds." She burps and farts. You know, like a human does. Sturgess, knowing that the Cunt Twins would spin her a tale, decides to march upstairs and ask them straight up what they said, whereupon Red Cuntya starts telling a tall tale about how "Mia Jes and Magdelenawere all like she;s a groupie, she's a slut, she's this she's that." Uhh...really? Where was this? That shit came out of Cunty One and Cunty Two. Cuntya, remember when they told you that you were not sincere and you didn't get it? It's because you're a lying cunt. Brandi doesn't buy it. She tells Jes and Mia, and they're as confused as the rest of us. Somehow, everyone that has ever seen Lacey seems to see that she's a two-faced lying little bitchcunt...except Bret Michaels.

Because he's a douchebag.

They continue to talk about Lacey, and Jes drops this one: "Lacey just...sucks at life. She has no heart, no soul. She just sucks." It's so true. Only she might win this thing because again, Bret's a douchebag.

- Douchebag alert! He's on the prowl, and looking for another woman to lie to him and pretend to be all about him! Hey, I thought he wasn't going to get a chance to see any of them until elimination? Wasn't that the whole point of the stupid fucking list? He's gonna talk to all of them. He's telling PenisGirl that he's not feeling it from her. That's because HE'S not into you, dude. He talks to Alternachick next, who is in the bathroom crying. She tells him she can't take it. "I don't want to fall in love in front of millions of people...and get hurt." Seriously chicka...just leave.

- Right before elimination time. , Bret reads the letter. He seems to zero in on the fact that they called Lacey insincere. "I'm really startin' to realize that maybe she;s the cause of all the drama that;s gone on in that house." It's like reading about the Enlightenment. You think to yourself "My god, how amazing it must have been to see so many breakthroughs in science and philosophy come, one after the other after the other! How wondrous it must have been to feel so full of discovery!" If we're lucky, Douchebag just had his Enlightenment.

I kinda doubt it. Commercial.

- Eliminations. The girls are nervous. Sam is all "I told Bret I wanted to go home earlier." Then when they cut to Lacey;s confessional, she;s all "Sam is so emotional. I don't think he wants someone like that in his life." Does she not realize that we, the audience to whom these confessional videos are directed, know she's a conniving, manipulative whore who pushed Sam into this state? She made the other videos that told us her plan. Is she that dumb?

Is that a really stupid question, as the answer can only be "Yes, she's a fucking complete imbecile?"

Douche is wearing the stupid outlaw hat again, and a red vinyl sport coat. Whatever. Brandi gets a pass. Heather is pissed, and she's all "She just wants to give him a blowjob." Like you don't? You're a worn-out old whore, sister. We can all smell the truck stop cum on your breath. Heather gets a pass. "I feel that this girl is my friend." Fuck he's stupid. Jes gets a pass. Her confessional says that she really wants to be with him - which lowers my opinion of her - and that she's gonna try harder. Oh well. She's still the coolest chick on the show, not that there is a lot of competition. Mia gets a pass. Lacey gets a pass. Again...he's so stupid. Sam and Magdalena left. He gives a speech about Sam, and how he has to make these decisions "not just for what I'm thinkin' but for how you're thinkin'." What a philanthropist he is! So giving! He calls Magdalena down. Drama. He's sending Magdalena home. I guess Sam's not leaving yet. Douchey gives her a pass. They toast. Red Cuntya ends with a confessional proclaiming that Sam "still has a target on her back." Seriously, I know the show is edited to manipulate us, but if she contracted AIDS, got cervical cancer, suffered for five years and then was hit by a bus on the way to her parole officer's, I would probably cheer.

On the next Rock Of Douche: the ladies strip down for a photo session to be on the next album cover. The Lacey thing gets heated...can't wait to see this scene play out...Sam, talking to Bret alone: "The side that she doesn't show you is this manipulative (edit) malicious (side) (edit) can you really trust that?" Bret: "I...I dunno" Sam interrupts - "Look at me. Can you trust...can you trust that" "No." "Then what are you doing?" He's keeping her around so we can hate her, as per orders of the production staff. He doesn't care about you, honey. He never will. This is just to put Bret Michaels out there in everyone's mind, solo and separated from Poison so that he might be able to carve out an identity for himself and sell a few extra copies of whatever crapfucksuck solo record is coming out soon.

Get it? He's a fucking douchebag, sistah. Learn it and move on.

See y'all douche lovers next week! (Oh my God. 4255 words about Rock Of Love. What the fuck is wrong with me?)

Posted by JimK at 10:33 PM on August 19, 2007
Permalink | Trackbacks (0) | Email to a friend |

Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love
Tags:
Technorati: Rock of Love VH1 TV reality Bret Michaels Poison 80s hair metal

Post a Comment:

The trackback URL for this entry is: http://www.right-thoughts.us/index.php/trackback/3289/v12FrZYn/

Trackbacks:

No trackbacks yet.