Rock Of Love Week 4 - Riff It Good, or “Bret teaches the ladies to be as big a douchebag as he is”

Another Sunday, another episode of VH1’s Rock Of Love.  TV was invented precisely for crap like this.  :)

I have more video starring Brandi C. taking it in most of her holes, by the way.  I just have to find a place to upload it.  Look for that later in the week.  For now, as I sip my Pinot Grigio, it’s time for...WHORES!

Once again, just to keep it all straight, the glossary of whore names:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Brandi C. :Scarface, Methface, Whorebucket McSuckdick (and variations on a theme), Half of the Wondertwins, Bimbo C., and any mention of half of a Barbie set. Don’t forget she’s a porn star too! (NSFW!)
Kristia: The other Wondertwin, Barbie set, or Other Dumb Blonde
Dallas: Token.  Just like South Park.  She’s the only black person within eleventy miles.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess.  Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Erin: Heartland Hooters.
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis.  Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.
Rodeo: A cartoon character who needs no nickname.  Sometimes I call her Leatherface, but it’s an adjective, not a noun.  :)

- Whores whores whores.  I just had to get that out of the way.

- Recap features Douchebag’s bond with Rodeo, plus the fight between Red Sonja and Token.

- We open with the whores getting drunk just moments after last week’s eliminations, and Whorebucket McFillMyHoles just asked for “sham-pag-nuh.” I certainly hope she’s kidding with that, but with her you can never tell.  The “ladies” do some booty dancing, but then Rodeo starts to break down as she misses her son.  While I certainly understand that, what the frigging fuck is she doing here if she can’t bear to be away?  It’s a whorehouse filled with whores and cameras.  You sort of knew going in what the deal was.  Of course, this will activate Bret’s sympathy chip, and RoboDouche will immediately bond harder with this unfortunate looking woman.

- Lacey decides to go get Douchebag, as she sees the breakdown as an opportunity to show Bret that Rodeo doesn’t belong here.  Bad move, Red. This is going to draw them closer together.

- Cut to Whorebucket, and she’s all hostile now that she’s hammered.  So what does she do?  She violates rule number one.  On the first day, Big John told the whores, rule one is “No one enters Bret’s room unannounced.” Oops!  Big John finds her and tells her she won’t see Bret tonight and she loses her shit.

- Next day - Douchebag is playing the harmonica on the stage.  He’s fucking terrible at it.  This is the contest for the day...Bretbag has written songs for a solo album.  First off, holy fuck, who paid him to do that?  Without CC, Bret is literally talentless as a musician.  He’s just bad.  He oozes more cheese than a double-cheese stuffed crust pizza.  Secondly, holy fuck, why would you ask this particular group of whores - who are so fucking stupid that they see appearing on VH1’s Rock Of Love as a good thing - to write for you?  Oh wait, I’ve been hearing those poems he writes for each challenge.  That explains why he needs the help.

- Team 1 - Stripper ShowMyTits and Chick With A Penis.  Team 2 - Punky Brewster and Sturgess.  Team 3 - Red Sonja and Heartland Hooters.  Team 4 - Alternachick and Fuckhole McPornstar (that’s a new name for Brandi C., BTW).  Rodeo and Mira Sorvino Soprano (Mia) make up Team 5.  Winning team gets a one-on-one date each with Douchebag.  Two hours to make magic, ladies!  Songwriters, let’s get songwritin’!

- Heartland Hooters is all scared of it.  Alternachick is kinda pissed she got saddled with Whorebucket.  Rodeo is singing something about rainbows of neverending love.  Mia’s reaction sums it up perfectly: “What the fuck is wrong with her and what is she thinking?” Instead of saying that to Rodeo, she tells her it was awesome, and Rodeo proceeds to have a moment.

You know that moment in a film when the lead character experiences something awful, drops to his or her n=knees and screams “NOOOOOOOOOOO” at the top of their lungs?  And in order for you, the adience to truly understand the magnitude of the scream, they pull up and show like, a flock of birds getting scared and flying away?  Rodeo started laughing after Mia complimented her, and the entire house froze in terror.  I think that millions of migratory birds just up and decided to leave early for the south as well.  It’s like listening to a hyena that has been blowing Satan’s barbed cock and swallowing loads made of hellfire and ground glass.

- Red Sonja is fully confident.  She’s a musician don’t you know.  ::crickets::

- Umm...for some reason Blowjob McFuckQueen thinks she’s got this lyric thing locked, and takes a potshot at Alternachick’s “creepy little journal” in which she’s been furiously scribbling while trying to ignore the stench of strange men’s jism that surrounds Brandi C. like the cloud of dirt that follows Pigpen.

- I’m just gonna skip the rest of this lyric segment unless something really interesting happens.  OK, here’s one semi-amusing thing.  Jes just said that neither she nor Brandi M. have anything to do with music.  “We smoke cigarettes and drink, that’s what we have in common.” Pretty much.  She’s like, the only one who seems to know the truth about this situation.  Oh, and Lacey managed to make another statement about being a musician.  FUCK WE FUCKING KNOW ALREADY, YOU STUPID WHORE.  You fancy yourself a professional.  We get it.  Call me when anyone outside your family pays for a ticket, ‘kay?

- OK, one other amusing segment...Alternachick is trying to teach Brandi C. how to sing.  I know what her mistake was.  There’s no cock in front of her.  She requires it, much like a donkey will move forward if you dangle a carrot in front of his face, Brandi C. will perform better if she things she’ll get to suck a dick at the end.  Come on, Sam, what were you thinking!

- The contest begins.  Guest judge Richard Blade.  Yeah, me either, and I worked in that business.  Douchebag, this radio guy and Big John will be judging.

- Heartland Hooters and Red Sonja are first.  Erin is way off time.  The song sucks monkey dicks even though Red thinks that her being a musician makes up for...something.  See, I don’t knwo what it makes up for as she’s a TERRIBLE FUCKING MUSICIAN…

- Next up - Manchick and the South Chicago Barmaid (Heather and Magdelena).  Douchebag actually mentioned her deep, testicle-created voice: “Magdelena sings...sounds a little like a drag queen.” Yeah she does.  Because she has a penis.  The song doesn’t horrify me lyrically.

- Punky and Sturgess up next.  They were just screwing around and trying to be punk.  Douchebag liked it.

- Rodeo and Meadow Sorvino Soprano are next.  This oughtta suck badly as Rodeo is intent on singing about her and Bret’s kids.  Douchebag notices how out of place the “kids” lyrics are.  Also, Meadow Soprano looks kind of hot in her low-rider jeans.  Nice abs/hip area on that hussy.  Bret asks a question and the only way to truly impart how...disjointed and ridiculous Rodeo’s answer was is to transcribe it.

Bret: “What made you choose the rock song over the ballad?”

Rodeo: “Ok, I can answer that.  We both agreed that in order to carry out the rock for you, for your future, is to have kids involved.  Because the children, are the ones that are growing up, and they;re gonna make your rock music live.”

What.  The.  Fuck.  Does.  That.  Mean?  No, seriously, someone please translate that to English for me.  I really don’t understand what she’s saying. It;s like someone asked her about playing pool, and she decided to give a speech on dark matter and strange quarks. No one in that room, or in the audience, knows what the fuck she;s talking about. Luckily she attempts to explain it in a confessional cutaway.  Except that she goes apeshit in that and makes no sense either.  She should just stand there and say “Kids kids kids, kids kids.  Kids!” until she starts to cry or Bret runs screaming from the house.  WHACK-A_DOO!  Brandi M.: “Rodeo’s always talking about her kids, and it’s gettin’ fuckin’ crazy.” Score one for Sturgess.  Off to commercial.

- Back.  We end this shit-tacular contest with Alternachick and Methface Cocksucker.  Whoreface thinks she’s gonna pull this off just because she’s cute.  The lyrics, written completely by Sam, are awfully dark and yet totally cheese-tastic.  They include the words ‘Fallen Angel” so at least she knows one Poison song.  Something about lying to her and telling her she’s the one, and ripping her flesh, and Bret being the fallen angel.  Just really the opposite of the theme, which Douchebag told everyone was supposed to be “Love is....” Well, no, maybe not opposite.  For Sam, love sucks hairy monkey balls and she’s a crazy, baggage-having bucket of neuroses and angst.  So yeah...pick her to be your girlfriend!  Maybe she’ll cut your dick off in your sleep!  Awesome!

Douchebag asks what inspired her...and she goes off on a tirade about the fact that Bret is probably lying to all of them and there’s no way to know.  Way to move ahead in the Whore Rankings, girly!

- The critique...Chickdick and StripperShowMyTits got props for lyrics and Magdelena gave Heather credit, so that was nice of him. (yes, I said him).

- Jes and Brandi M...."You girls looked terrific.” Heh.  Richard Radioguy didn’t like the guitars, and Brandi suggested he pull the stick out of his ass.

- Hooters and Red: Erin hurt the performance and Cunty Animalbitch goes apeshit on Erin in a confessional video.  So Erin is completely stage-shy when music is involved.  She;s not a professional musician like you, Red.  I imagine you;d get flustered trying to tell a lunch table full of businessmen what the difference was between the 911 wings and the 3 Mile Island ones.

- Radioguy says that Rodeo and Mia worked together well.  Rodeo says the word kids again.  Oh, if only she would laugh like a wounded bear again!

- Alterna and Whore - Radioguy liked some of the lyrics.  Hated the singing.

- The winners are: Magdelena and Heather and Sam and Brandi c.  He’s such a pussy.  He called it a tie so now no one gets a one-on-one date.  Double dates for all.

- Rodeo loses it again.  Guess what it was about?  Her confessional - crying again, I might add - said the following and I quote: “I’m trying to bring them into good music, and I love rock and I love country.  That’s why I wear my hat.  Cuz my kids love me.” Oh Jesus fucking Christ.

WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE JUST ANSWER?  It’s literally like she’s having some other conversation.  Maybe with a voice in her head?

- Whorebucket McSuckdick actually makes a half-decent point here.  From across the room, she’s watching Rodeo lose it again, and she whispers to Lacey that she understands that Rodeo misses her kid, but that Brandi prepared herself before she came here.  She’s absolutely right...Rodeo should have been prepared for this and not done it if she couldn’t handle it.  Of course, being an utterly ridiculously stupid bag of whore, Brandi C. compares it to missing her cat.

So...there goes any wisdom and experience points she might have earned.  Then she calls Rodeo an attention whore.  OH MY GOD, THERE AREN’T ENOUGH POT AND KETTLE REFERENCES IN THE WORLD TO COVER THAT STATEMENT.  Commercial.

- Back...date time.  Bret is dating the manchick and the barmaid at the same time.  They’re talking about Rodeo the whole drive over to whatever low-rent sushi place paid to be featured on this show.  StripperShowMyTits is offended that ManPenisWoman brought up that she’s a stripper.  Honey, you’re a stripper.  Shut the fuck up.

Douchebag says he has a big heart and a lot of affection for “dancers.” He feels emotionally bonded to Heather because she wants to quit the life.  Of course, ManWoman just said before that clip that every stripper says they’re quitting soon.  And they do.  I bet you that 99.75% of all strippers will tell you this is just a part-time, short-term thing.  Right after they rub their exposed labia on the back of your hand for an extra ten bucks.

Douchebag gave the ladies Stratocasters.  I see the Fender logo on there, so its not like he paid for them…

- They’re sitting there talking about getting tattoos and StripperShowMyTits says she’s going to get “Bret” done on the back of her neck.  HOLY PSYCHO, BATMAN...but Douchebag actually says that her sitting there “looking beautiful” (this guy has the worst taste in women) made him think she could be the one.

Creepy.

- They retire to the limo to do shooters and all make out together.  Douchebag says that once he starts to party he just has to keep on partying.  Good for you, Mr. 4 shots of insulin a day.  Remember when it was only two?  So does your liver.

- They stumble back into the house and Heather strips.  Douchebag starts playing harmonica.  Jes says “This is like, the 139th time I’ve seen Heather’s tits.” Hey, at least you didn’t have to pay a cover charge for the “privilege.”

The best part of this is that Sam is watching from the top of the stairs and Bret and the “ladies” get funky.  She storms off in a huff.  The second best part is this:

I did NOT cherry-pick that look.  She just sat there hugging the bottle and watching the spectacle in front of her with that look on her face.

Then the party gets nutty and a guitar gets smashed.  Some ladies and Douchebag go up to his room.  Lacey, Heather and Brandi C.  What a surprise.  Confessional cutawy from Chief High Douchebag McDickbag himself, and he has this pearl of wisdom for us:

“I know for a fact this is what I don’t need to do, and this is gonna cost me my soul...and it is gonna be hot lovin’.” Ladies and gentlemen of my readership, I put it to you that Bret Michaels is a douchebag.  Can anyone refute this claim?

Also, he hung a cowboy hat on the door as a sign that he was about to plunge his guitar deep into these ladies’ cases, ifyouknowwhatImean, andIthinkyoudo.  He;s gonna try to fuck them all, is my point.  Because they’re whores and he’s a douchebag.

- It’s now the next day, and Slutfest McPornstar and Alternachick get a date today.  Bret is worried that all this partying may literally be killing him.  And it literally may be, but he’s too much of a douchebag to actually STOP.

- For some reason Sturgess is mad about the “bimbos trying to fuck him.” Trying?

- The lesser sluts are trying to find out if Lacey fucked the Douchebag.  Jes: “If he ate...your pussy out...I mean I don’t want to kiss him if he just ate your shit.” Hear hear!  Lacey looks like she might be harboring a little petri dish action down there.  Her vagina is classified as a level 3 growth medium.  Red loves that all the girls are talking about her.

- Alternachick doesn’t seem to realize that this is how it’s gonna be.  She’s all torqued about Bret potentially cheating on her.  Honey, HE TOLD YOU HE WOULD.  And you said you’d be cool with it.  If you are not, then you should leave this house.

ASIDE - someone who knows Sam from Chicago told us that Sam told her that Sam left the house early because she could not deal with this shit...so look for Alternachick to leave early.  And good on her if she does.  If this is offensive to you, and it should be, then walk away.

- Big John brings a new poem.  Fucking hell.  So awful.  From the verse, it seems that he’s taking Sam and Brandi C. horseback riding.  This causes Rodeo to break down and talk about her dream date with Bret..."To ride horses...on his land...” Wow.  She’s really losing it.  It could be going well past bonding with Douchebag into “she needs to be eliminated soon” territory.  The real danger with Rodeo riding a horse is that people would have trouble telling the difference between her face and the saddle leather.

- The date...they ride.  Bret seems...uhh..."Impressed" with how “young of a soul Brandi C. has.” As in she’s an infantile little cumbucket that only knows how to suck a cock and throw a tantrum.  Then they picnic.  He gives the ladies acoustic guitars.  She’s a rocket scientist, I swear.  “I was playing with my guitar and I learned that you know, when you go down, the sound gets...higher?  So those must me...the...notes, or something?  I don’t know.”

Wow.  I didn’t need to hear that.  Because I witnessed that level of stupidity, I am now dumb enough to qualify to be in a fraternity.  Be thankful I saved you from having to see it.  Unless you did, in which case I’m sorry for you.

- Sam decides to drop the heavy conversation on Douchebag, who is gonna take this real serious, cross his heart and hope to lie.  Brandi C. drops yet another nugget of wisdom: “So, Sam takes my boyfriend away from me.  This doesn’t bother me because she’s going there to talk about issues they already have and they’re not even together.” Here’s the thing about Brandi’s wisdom - it’s accurate.  Sam is already raising relationship issues, and she and Bret aren’t a couple yet.  But, because she;s a really, really stupid whore more suited to standing next to a hot car, or taking a cock up the ass, she doesn’t realize she began her little pearl of knowledge by saying Bret was hr boyfriend.  And...well, they’re not even together yet.

On to Sam.  She open up her trust issues and tells Bret she doesn’t think she can trust him.  Really?  Ya think?  Douchebag think that his issues and her issues will make them bond.  He talks her into staying for now.  Douchebag’s confessional says hedoesn’t know if he can be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him.  Sure, I get that.  Except for the part where you aren’t trustworthy.  You douchebag.  Date over.  Commercial.

- Back.  Elimination time.  What lucky whorebag will be asked to stay and rock Douchebag’s world?  Rodeo’s confessional manages to work in the words “mother” and “child.” Jesus won’t she ever fucking stop?  Sam is buying Bret’s BS.  Douchey strolls into the elimination room wearing a tiger-stripe 3/4 faux-fur coat.  I wish I could explain how douchey it looks.  The hat looks like real snakeskin though.  Sorry Lacey.  :)

- He calls Rodeo first.  He cuts her and send her home.  He gives her his hat.  Then he walks her to the door and says that “he’s gonna let her go with dignity.” She’s a crying mess after, and beliebe it or not...I swear to God...the guy is actually crying when he comes back into the room.  Rodeo really was the one he connected to, and I think he just sent ehr away truly out of concern for her and her child.

Wow.  An actual gesture of humanity.  I hardly know what to think.

- Mia gets a pass to stay.  Jes stays.  Erin stays.  Brandi M. stays.  Magdelena stays.  Sam stays.  Two passes left, and none of the fucktoys have gotten one yet.  Lacey gets a pass to stay.  Damn.  Heather gets the last pass...aww...the porn star is going home!  Whatever shall we all do?  Heather says in her confessional that she’s “classy.” In what universe?

- Brandi C. is all tore up...only she’s not really talking much about her feelings for Bret, but more about how “those other girls” got picked over her.  Young soul indeed…

- Lacey’s cutaway vid talks about how she’s gonna target the girls that are wrong for Bret.  She’s not into this guy, she just wants to win.  And maybe get on tour, because she’s a musician, you know.

- Next week, StripperShowMyTits decides to write Bret a letter talking shit about the other girls, and we learn that Heather was once on “The Surreal Life” and fucked Vanilla Ice.  Wow.  That’s...really pathetic, is what that is.  It ends with King Douchetard of Douche Mountain saying ‘I, Bret Michaels, will not be played.” Ohhhh!  Scary.

Looks like a fun week next week!  Yay for VH1’s commitment to lowering the bar for all broadcasting!

Posted by JimK at 09:07 PM on August 05, 2007
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love
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Technorati: Rock of Love VH1 TV reality Bret Michaels Poison 80s hair metal

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