Rock Of Love 2 Week 4 - “Ride on the Wild Side” - HEY DUMMIES!  Wrong band. *UPDATED*

This is late, I know.  Blame the Pro Bowl.  Sundays were taken up with football.  Now that it’s over, from this point forward I should be able to crank these out Sunday night for your Monday morning reading pleasure.

This week, however, I am exhausted beyond belief (I have seriously upped my effort at the gym) so I’m going to split this into two parts.  This part will be about the first 30 minutes of last Sunday’s episode.  Second half will be posted tomorrow night (in the same post).

And now; whores.

As usual, the glossary of nicknames for the “ladies” that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- We open with the typical recap.  Things they want you thinking about: The strip booth whore-off, KayJay’s marriage, the date free pass interruptions and KayJay and Superworms arguing.

- AWESOME-OMETER right off the bat!  We start directly after eliminations last week with Douche strolling down the hall saying to the ladies “You know I’m awesome!” No.  No we do not know you’re awesome.  We know that you are bald.  We know that you have the sense of humor of a retarded monkey.  We know that you want America to think that you fuck eleven times an hour, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year.  We know that you are a horrible person and a misogynist.  And of course we know that you, Bret Michaels, are a douche bag.  Note how I did not include the fact that you are awesome on that list.

- KayJay thinks she’s getting close and has a chance. 

- Bret just toasted the ones that left and said “Let’s get down to makin’ bacon.” That’s it!  That’s fucking exactly it.  He talks, acts and for this show, pretends that his life is exactly like a 1970s sexually-oriented joke bumper sticker.  If his van is moving side to side like a cradle, please do not rap on the door seeking his attention.  Also, if you wish to be a passenger in his motor vehicle, you must provide him, as the owner of said vehicle, with financial renumeration, refined petrol or sexual congress, because no individual may in fact receive transportation to their destination without renumeration.

Yeah, I spent a good four minutes thinking that one up.  I know.  I know.  But it made me giggle.  Because you know Bret has said that.  he stood on the second step of a Florida Custom Coach, looking at some big-titted blonde stripwhore and said “Well, baby, if you wanna ride to Tulsa with us on the bus, it’s cash, grass or ass, ‘cuz nobody rides for free.” And the whore giggled and fucked him after he said it.  Because some women will do anything to get next to a tiny little sliver of fame

- Aww, Vamps got snubbed on the goodnight kisses.  Douche is off to bed, but MuppetJanice isn’t finished with him yet.  The other ladies are all tweaked about that.  Janice is sucking face in Bret’s room.  “Obviously we made out a little.  I mean, can you blame a girl?” yes.  Yes I can, because he’s a douchebag.

Fuckin’ hell, I am being harsh on the Bretster tonight.  Dunno why all the hostility, but it just feels like he’s being especially douchey.  Like when he makes his fifth sex joke in confessional and we’re only three minutes in.

- Vamps and KayJay are in the hot tub chatting.  Vamps isn’t upset that Bret’s being a whore with the other babes.  If you can call most of them babes.  She’s mad because she deserves attention and he’s neglecting her.  Sweetheart?  That means you aren’t into him.  Seriously.  The thought of him all over Muppetface should make you nuts.  If it doesn’t, you don’t belong here.

Vamps to KayJay: “If it bothers you that he’s sleeping with Daisy right now - and that’s exactly what he’s doing...” Yup.  he is.  And allegedly, as it is in her character’s her nature as she is scripted to like actually likes Bret, KayJay is upset and jealous.

- Next morning, and Chazz notes that Janice isn’t in her puppet rack.  she called her a “dirty asshole.” Hey!  I’m sure her asshole is very clean.  Since it needs to be on call and everything.  I assume she keeps some baby wipes around to stay fresh for her man.

- Big John calls them together.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD reads the day’s poem, about making the custom bikes, although it doesn’t actually explain that.  We the viewers know that’s what it’s about.

- In the limo, Vamps straight up asks Muppet if she fucked Bret.  Muppetface goes fucking off.  She’s really hostile and defensive, so like, she banged him, obviously.  She keeps using the 2000’s euphemism for fucking: “hanging out.”

- SPONSOR ALERT.  Exile Cycles.  They do make some sweet, sweet rides, especially the “Pure Sex” dragster.

- Awesome-ometer two-fer!  We got a double awesome.  That puts us at three for the day.  Sequel is excited, as motorcycles are her “thing.”

- The bikes are almost-assembled kits.  They have to finish the bikes and fire the engine to win.  Two teams, each with a lead mechanic who gets a solo date.  Awesom-ometer: 4!  Losing team has to clean Bret’s bike with a toothbrush.

- Team Black: SRB, Vamps and Hombre, Chazz and Muppetface.  Team Pink is Fivehead, KayJay, Superworms, PBR and Sequel.  Inna gets to be lead.  Peyton leads her team.  At one point they tried to get us believing that PBR hates KayJay, but her delivery was pretty poor, so I didn’t really buy it.

Chazz; “My best strategy for this challenge is just to do whatever I have to do to look hot in my mechanic’s shirt.” Normally I would say that she’s putting on an act, but she’s exactly the damn same as she was on beauty and the Geek.  I think she is literally the dumbest person that has ever been on a reality show.  Except for Jessica Simpson.

- Oh my god. 

Did you see the stupid move he did where he mounts the imaginary bike?  Jesus Christ.  Did you ever see Arrested Development?  Bret is Gob Bluth.  Only he’s like, a real person.  Allegedly.  He’s not a wholly-created fictional character, I mean.  The hand gestures and posing never stop.

- They start.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is 100% sure she’s got this.  Sequel is freaking out over this whole thing.  OK, this is just reality sequence stuff.  Imagine everyone except Inna and Peyton fucking shit up royally, with the expert having to explain the simplest things.  It’s kind of like watching someone herd cats.

- Pink team is done assembling.  They’re gassing it up.  Whoops!  They didn’t hook up the gas line.  Black is gassing the bike.  Oh my, it’s so exciting.  Or something.

- Black wins.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the solo date. [Bad cold war accent] IN SOVIET RUSSIA, SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD DATES YOU! [/Bad cold war accent] Wait, that’s the right way around.  Dammit.  I’m no Yakov Smirnoff.

- Awesome-ometer: 5!  Time to find out how they did from MohawkGuy.  Awesome-ometer; 6!  He’s cranking them out this week.  Mohawk guy says that Superworms slowed her team down, so she has to help Sequel clean the bike with a toothbrush.  She’s pissed, since she didn’t know shit about tools, she seems to think it’s unfair.  Well, that’s the price you pay for being dumb.

- Douche asks SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD to come over to him, and whattya know, it’s another awesome!  Awesome-ometer; 7.  At this rate he might break the all-time record of 11!  Anyway, he gave her a leather jacket and they are off to ride the motorcycle.

Commercial.

- We’re back, and Douche is cruising with his personal T-72.

See, that’s a Soviet-era tank.  And Inna’s a big girl.  See what I did there?  hey, I told you I wasn’t as funny as Yakov…

- Sweet Jesus.  More douchery.

What’s with the “rawwrrrrrrrr” noise?  Serious douchery.  That’s what.

- Cut to the two ugliest chicks on the show in bikinis washing the Hollywood Taxi.  I swear to GOD I could watch that bike explode and be happy doing it.  Isn’t he fucking bored of it yet?  And why does it have to be the two ugliest chicks?

- Vamps is still going on about how Bret dissed her during the goodnight kiss.  AND HOLY EFFING JESUS...PBR without any makeup.  Holy shit.

Dude.  OK, so Peyton and Destiney aren’t the ugliest women on the show.  Anyway, the other ladies tell Vamps that he probably didn’t do it on purpose, and Hombre confessionals that Vamps overreacts to a lot of things.

- Cut to the date; Yet another woman tells Bret she can see herself ending up with him.  Douche, being the big ball of sincerity that we all know and love, tells her, with all seriousness, “So can I.” of course he sees it.  He sees himself fucking all of you at one point or another!  In his mind, you’d all get on all fours in a big long row while he waited for his Cialis to kick in, and then he’d move on down the row, sticking his dick into each one of you for a few strokes.

Hey, you could even make a game out of it.  Like, musical cumshots.  The woman who gets filled with Bret’s jizz gets a solo date where you get to ingest more of it, and it’s ladies choice: orally or anally!  That Bret.  What a gentleman.

- Douche-fessional; another awesome!  That’s 8.  Date’s over.  As he’s leaving, the douche-fessional is that he hopes they “got my chopper a-sparklin’.” Err..."chopper" is a very specific thing.  It’s not a generic term for motorcycle.  The Hollywood Taxi is NOT a chopper.

You’d think a guy that has been riding bikes for 25 years would know that.

- Home, and the bike cleaners are arranging themselves on the bike by the front door.  And running the engine.  Indoors.  Always wise.  Loads of “clean my pipes” jokes.

- Vamps swoops in to do her neurotic thing.  “Aubry Aubry Aubry.  Do you really need to pick this exact moment, when there is nakedness and motorcycles, to take me away?  Seriously.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  It’s not like you were screwing and she tried to drag you away forcibly.  Besides, it’s Sequel and Superworms.  She’s doing you a favor.

- Douche and Vamps go off to chat.  So, she’s trying to sell Bret on the fact that she is, and I quote, “a very very very observant person.  I’m a karaoke host, OK, I know people.” Really?  A karaoke host?  Wow.  That’s one fucking insightful career.  She voices her complaint, he looks for all the world like he couldn’t give a fuck.

He asks her what she thinks he thinks.  She says that he isn’t into her as a partner.  He douche-fessionals that she’s “a little needy.” Ya think?  She says to get rid of her if he’s not feeling it.  I think she’s outta here.

- Vamps and KayJay are talking about if it was a good idea to say what Vamps said.  KayJay starts crying...about herself.  Oh sweet Jesus.  This is so Sam.  So KayJay is calling a house meeting to tell everyone about her marriages and shit.  Hoo boy.  If this is real...Hell, if this is half-real, why would she want to bare her soul to this nest of nasty little vipers?  This will not end well.

- She cries it all out at all of them.  She’s essentially confessing that she...wait, Chazz said it.  She’s an emotional wreck.  Hombre confessionals that this is kind of ridiculous as KayJay and Bret have only known each other for 5 days.

That’s how long this has been going so far., FIVE DAYS.  Five.  How the hell could anyone be this invested in someone - when you only get five minutes with them here and there due to it being a reality show with other women - in just five days?

On the other hand, if she’s faking it, she’s doing an Oscar-caliber job of it.  They give Academy Awards to women who can cry like that on cue while talking.  The “ladies” advise her to go talk to Bret.  Obviously they are hoping she freaks the fuck out.

- Sidebar: Does Bret’s door actually say “the Rock Suite” with the last two words in his favorite tat lettering, Olde E?  Why yes.  Yes it does.

Douchetacular.

- So KayJay’s in the Rock Suite and she’s all fucked up.  She’s saying that it (the show) became real for her as it went on.  Bret responded with “But did you think it would be real when ya started?” How would she?  She saw last season.  You were a total fake, and you fucked with the one person who really seems to have been into you.  Why would she expect it to be real?  You are a huge, douchebag phony, and that’s about the only thing any of these women should ever expect.

Am I being hostile again?  Sorry.

Awesome-ometer: 9.  She’s sobbing about how she has all this shit to deal with when she gets out of here, and Bret Michaels dropped the douche act for just a second and said:

“I am willing to deal with any emotional baggage, I’m willing to deal with anything in your past, but I cannot deal with you if you are still emotionally connected.”

That is actually a true and profound statement on the surface.  Except it’s a lie coming from him.  Evidence?  Look no further than the fact that when he kicked Heather to the curb, one of the things he talked about was her being a stripper.  She wasn’t emotionally connected to needing to be a stripper.  In fact she wanted out and she wanted people to stop talking about it.  If it was so easy for him to deal with anything in someone’s past, it never would have been an issue with Heather.  It wouldn’t have been an issue when he talked about how he was hurt in the past by a stripper (remember, that’s why he wrote “Every Rose") and it wouldn’t have been an issue with choosing heather.

Douche is a liar.  Big surprise, right?  He’s the used car salesman of rock & roll...he’ll say anything to get you to buy his cock and drive it off the lot.

Anyway, he basically said that her shit will be there in a day or a month.  She’s wound up and can’t decide to stay or go.  SAM!  SAM!  Just leave!  Wait, you’re not Sam.  Sorry!  It’s so easy to get confused.  Commercial, and that’s where we’ll break for the night.  I’ll update this post tomorrow night with the second half!

*UPDATE*

Here comes the second half!

- Big John calls everyone into the main area for the day’s note.  It’s another photo shoot.  Oh shit...God bless Chazz and her empty skull.  “After hearing the note today, I’m totally confused, I have no idea what’s going on...as usual.” At least she knows she’s as dumb as a box of hair.

- We meet Mitzi from ”Mitzi & Company,” who will help the “ladies” do what Bret called an “awesome” pinup photo shoot.  Awesome-ometer: 10.  One more to tie, two more and it’s a new RoL record!

Anyway, I went to the Mitzi site.  It looks like they will do a whole package thing for you: 40s hair, makeup, clothes and photos.  Except the final product?  The actual photographs?  They’re shit.  Not good at all.  Stay the fuck away from Mitzi if you are in LA and looking for pinup pics.

Interesting that they went with burlesque and now 40s pinup stuff.  Someone at VH1 is a big Dita von Teese fan…

- Bret says he’s “gonna get them dressed up in classic 50s pinup style.” 50s?  All I see at the site is 40s, dude.  Wartime style was very, very different than post-war.  Maybe Mitzi is branching out?

- Oh for the love of all that is holy.  Chazz is so dumb.  “I don’t want to look like I’m from the 50s.  I’m in my 20s.  I’m 22.”

- AWESOME-OMETER: ELEVEN!!!!  That’s the record.  Will he break it?  I know he;s been training all year for this.  We may be about to witness history!

- The shoot starts.  Chazz is first.  Whatever.  She’s really attractive if you never have to hear her speak, ever.

- Vamps is doing some 30s-50s hybrid thing where she’s afraid of king kong but on a tiki set.  It doesn’t look good.  Hey, wasn’t the tiki craze like, 20 years after the release of King Kong?  Like, late 50s, early 60s?  Is Bret one of those people that thinks everything that happened in the past happened within like, two years of each other?

- Hombre is doing like a “naughty sailor girl” thing.  Douche is claiming that she’s starting to “pop out” for him.  *sigh* We get it.  Girl you almost eliminated has a real chance with you.  We all read the script, Douche.

- Daisy is just dressed like a whore.  Not sure how this is 40s, 50s or even 60s.  It just looks like the first pic in an internet porn shoot.

- So they have lunch.  Vamps says that everyone in this (meaning a show like this) gets hurt, and in the process of telling her why she’s wrong, Bret just sells another used car lies his balls off.

That’s a fucking lie.  He never looked at her and said “Whatever.” What he actually did was listen to KayJay, and advise her that her shit was still going to be there regardless if she left today or next month.  Then he told her he wanted her to stay.  Bret will say ANYTHING to get someone to want to see his cock, and I’m starting to believe that he believes this shit when he says it.  He knows that these dumb bitches will either be gone, or will have swalloed his loads long before they get to see this...and odds are they all have to sign NDAs anyway so they couldn’t tell the truth about any specific event unless the show lets them.

Christ...he’s such a sleazy dickweed.  If I had a daughter that was even thinking about going to a BMB concert, I’d either chain her to the boiler in the basement, or maybe try to run him over with a truck.  Shit, it doesn’t even have to be my daughter.  I’d try to save your daughter, or a total stranger from him.  At this point I don’t think he should be allowed near female dogs much less women.

Douche.  Bag.

Anyway, Vamps runs to KayJay to tell her, but what is very interesting is who is sitting on the bed next to KayJay.

What are they, frenemies?  What was Catherine doing there hanging out with Kristy Joe?  Possible explanations:

1. Looking for a tampon.  May be too old though.
2. Wanted to borrow a shovel in order to apply more spackle to her face.
3. trying to suck the youth out of KayJay so as to continue to appear 50, when her real age is 677.
4. This whole “Kristy Joe and Catherine are enemies” thing is total bullshit from the get-go.

You decide.  :)

- So KayJay is really pissed.  Guess what she did?  She cried.  :) Commercial.

- Oh the drama!  Will KayJay confront the lying douchey cockmonkey?  She composes herself and heads to “the Rock Suite” and yes, I died a little inside after writing that.  At least I didn’t try to format it in Olde E.

KayJay walks in and Douche is posing.

And then he says “A-whassa-goin-awn” like he’s all happy to see her and I want to kick his fucking teeth in.  For real.  She asks him how he feels about her...which wasn’t really the question.  The question should be “Why did you lie and talk shit about me behind my back.” Like a good manipulating misogynist, Douche turns it around and makes it all about her, her insecurities, etc.  He knows what prompted this and he’s trying to steer the conversation as far away from his own duplicity as possible. 

So the story now is that she confessionals that she really wants to be with him, and he basically tried to let her down in the way that is easiest for him.

- Elimination time.  Master, the guyliner is strong with this one.

The pancake makeup is nice too.

- AWESOME!  Holy crap!  Awesome-ometer: 12!!!!!  That’s a new record, folks.  There are only a few times in your life that make you take notice of where you are and what you are doing.  Man landing on the moon.  The day MLK was shot.  The day Kennedy was shot.  The day the Berlin Wall fell.  And now this.  The day that Bret Douchebag Michaels said “Awesome” 12 times in one hour of television.  Someday you will tell your children where you were on this day.

And then they will put you in a home.

- First pass goes to: Muppetface.  AND ANOTHER AWESOME!  Holy fuck.  Thirteen awesomes.  I can’t believe it.  It’s like getting extra candy for Valentine’s Day. Sure, it;s shitty-ass Russel Stover garbage, but hey, it’s fucking candy, so shut up before I give you a reason to cry, bitch.  And where’s my dinner?

Daisy says that no one can beat the chemistry they have.  We agree here at Casa de Kenefick.  She;s the winner, barring any accidents where she gets hideously deformed in the face, titty region or vaginally.  That Bret will not accept.  She could probably have a nice zipper-style scar on her ass and he’d be OK, but on the off chance that maybe someone andI’mnotnaminganynamesherekristyjoe were to throw hot oil in her face, she’d be getting the boot.

- Next pass goes to Hombre. Vamps confessionals that she thinks she’ll get a pass.  Sequel gets the next pass. SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD EES NEXT TO GET PASS.  DA, EES GOOT COMRADE.  SHE BEAR YOU MANY STRUNG CHEELDRENS!  Oh, and yet another “awesome.” I can’t even begin to tell you what this feels like.  Do you remember the first time you jacked off with a combination of lotion, your own spit and a little pre-cum?  Like that, only awesomer.  That’s fourteen god-damned “awesomes.” My poor heart can’t take anymore.

- PBR gets one. There’s a brief moment where he has to try to get the lanyard over and around the weird hairspray helmet she has in top of her head.

- Fivehead gets one again.  WTF?  Was she even on this episode at all?  Superworms gets one. 

- Douche says that the next girl is hot and all that but he’s not feeling it yet.  At which point Megan makes a “what the fuck are you talking about, old man?” face.  Then she gets a pass.

- Two left.  Vamps and a crying KayJay.  Vamps confessionals that she looked at KayJay crying, and her heart broke.  They ratchet up the dramatic music and.....

Commercial.

- We’re back, and the tension is just so...something.  Bret is milking this, and KayJay is literally breaking down.  Vamps is going to make a big dramatic gesture and walk away.  She walks up and says that if she walks away will Bret give KayJay another chance?  To which Douche confessionals:

That’s just in case you’ve never heard him say it.  Or you thought that my textual representation of how he said it was some kind of exaggeration.  If anything, I feel like I may have de-douched it a little.

Anyway, the drama.  Vamps pitches KayJay and Superworms confessionals that they should both get the fuck out of here.  Hombre confessionals that Aubry’s relationship with KayJay means more to Aubry than the one with Bret, and that is weird.  No, it’s not.  She’s not trying to get discovered, Ms. Professional Actress Who Has Never Starred In Anything.  I know it seems foreign to you, but these two actually seem to have formed a friendship.  I’d say bros before hoes, but that doesn’t really work here, what with them all having girly hoo-has.  Is there a chick equivalent to that phrase?

Vamps makes KayJay promise to not leave.  Then she confessionals that if she and Bret were meant to be together later, they’re in the same city.

And then, the punchline.  Oh fuck it...there’s no easy way to describe this.  Just watch.

Love the way he almost cruelly reveals that KayJay was getting the pass all along.  All class and sensitivity, that Bret.  What a guy.  meanwhile, KayJay goes from mental breakdown to all smiles and loving on Bret faster than Britney goes from stupid to diseased.  Wait, that’s not a very dramatic turn for Britney.  nevermind.  What I’m trying to say is KayJay is starting to seem a little bipolar.  Apparently hot comes with a big dose of crazy.  They do some deep throat heavy kissing, then he asks her to drop her guard so they can get to know each other.

They drink Bret Brews.  It’s fucking over.  Praise Jesus.

- On the next Rock of Love.  Mud bowl again.  Some drama with Sequel and Chazz over notes they leave for Douche.  He pitches the online stuff and ends with “and keep it on rockin’.” I think he meant to say “Keep it goin’” or “Keep on rockin’” and like so many of his “awesome” turns of phrase, it got all fucked up.  The best part is, VH1 airs the screw up every week.  It;s like a metaphor for the existence of the show itself.  And maybe all of our lives.

See you awesome party animals next week!  Until then, keep it all around the rockin’ going on, a-whassa.  Or something. (DEVIL HORNS!  FUCK YEAH!)

Posted by JimK at 11:55 PM on February 12, 2008
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love,  Rock Of Love 2
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