Rock of Love Week 3 - Motocross, or “How to be a dirtbike douchebag”

Here we go again...another week of douchebag comments from Bret and whores being whores.  By the way, if you’re into Brandi M. from the show, she’s “Pamela” from purelypamela.com and amateurfacials.com.  Here’s 73 frigging photos of her doing her thing and not one of them is safe for work.  The whole thing is NSFW!  That bitch be a straight hooker, y’all, so if she pops shit about any other girls in the house, someone needs to remind her that she takes popshots in the eye for money.

On to the rest of the whores.  :)

It occurred to me that it may get confusing when I don’t use people’s names, so here’s a Rock Of Love glossary for you.

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Brandi C. :Scarface, Methface, Whorebucket McSuckdick, Half of the Wondertwins, Bimbo C., and any mention of half of a Barbie set. Don’t forget she’s a porn star too! (NSFW!)
Kristia: The other Wondertwin, Barbie set, or Other Dumb Blonde
Dallas: Token.  Just like South Park.  She’s the only black person within eleventy miles.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess.  Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Erin: Heartland Hooters.
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis.  Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.
Rodeo: A cartoon character who needs no nickname.  Sometimes I call her Leatherface, but it’s an adjective, not a noun.  :)

- My TiVo recorded this at 11 AM.  Has VH1 moved the show?  Could the ratings be that abysmal?

- Wow, they’re going straight for the catfight angle.  EVERY clip from last week in the recap is about one of the fights.

- Open with a montage of whores waking up and looking like death.  Stripper Showmytits is elaborating on the division, and then Lacey drops her plan to eliminate Dallas.  Then another douchey poem from Bret about today;s event.  Motocross.  Oh, yay.

- Kristia loves motocross, or “any other kinda cross.” John and Jody, look out.  Warn the family.  :)

- Douchey shows up on his bike again.  Wow he’s so cool douchey.  Two rival experts are here to train the whores.

- And now the whores get to get dressed.  Chick With A Penis can’t get the helmet on.  For some reason unknown to human science, this makes her go wee-wee out her penis.  Because SHE HAS A FUCKING PENIS, PEOPLE.  Either that or her mother was Bea Arthur.  No woman has a voice that deep unless she’s swingin’ a cock&balls.

- Rodeo gets a confessional and Jesus H. Christ, she looks like someone carved her face to resemble a series of arroyos from the Moab in her skin.  You know, I think she might be more wrinkled and leathery than Keith Richards.

- The bikes are like, 50cc mini-bikes.

- Everyone gets on Dallas for wrecking...but the bike only goes like 11 miles an hour.  Still, she did almost manage to kill a camera guy.

- Douchebag picks teams for the relay race competition.  Captains are Chick With A Penis for the pink, HeartlandHooters for the purple and Stripper Showmytits for the blue.  Rodeo comments on Erin’s airbags.  They really are ridiculous. (that link is safe for work, but shows off how they might be bigger than her head).

- Team Pink: Magdelena, Rodeo, Brandi M., Sam.

- Team Purple: Erin, Mia, Jes, Brandi C.

- Team Blue: Heather, Lacey, Kristia, Dallas.  Gee, Lacey and Dallas on the same team, and Brandi C. and Erin together?  WOW!  So random!  I’m certain this was not pre-determined to exacerbate conflict in any way!  Also, I would like to sell you some land, In Florida.  It’s a little...well, let’s call it wet.  But it’s a good deal!

- Round One!  Punky, Sturgess and Red Sonja.  Does Red have a lip piercing, a huge mole or is that herpesface?  Lacey shoots off the line and eats dirt hard.  Heh.  She can’t start the bike.  All talk, that one.  She might have ruined it for the other whores!  The dippy broads are screaming “PUT IT IN NEUTRAL” and she’s leaving it in gear.  Dumbass.  Dallas: “We gonna lose this shit cuz of this stupid, dumbass bitch.” Yep.  Now eat a steak in front of her!

- Punky wins round one, and hands off to Scarface for…

- Round Two.  Scarface: “I get on the bike, and I’m really stoked because I look really good in my outfit.” You know where else you look good?  Taking a load of jism in your mouth and dribbling it down your chin like the good little paid fucktoy that you are...Methface.  (Again, NSFW)

- Round Two: Alternachick takes the handoff for Team Pink.  Red Sonja finally hands off to Other Dumb Blonde in round two, who could walk in heels on the dirt faster than she’s driving that bike. 

- Round Three: Whorebucket McSuckdick comes in to retain the Purple lead and hands off to Heartland Hooters.. Other Dumb Blonde hands off to Stripper Showmytits who is determined to catch up because she wants Douchebag’s cock wants a date with Bret.  Chick with A Penis takes the handoff for Pink.  So now in Round Three it’s Magdelena, Heather and Erin racing in round three.

- Round Four: Meadow Soprano takes it for Purple.  They are still in first.  How exciting.  I’m on the edge of my seat.  Rodeo takes it for Pink, and Token bats cleanup for Team Blue.  She’s flying down the track as fast as that little bike will go, and she eats it real good.  She got air and everything.  Maybe three or four feet off the ground.  Look for her to milk fall this for all it is worth!  Of course her enemies are giggling.

- It’s down to Rodeo versus Meadow Soprano, and Leatherface takes the lead!  She needs that cock rock star!  PInk wins!  The Cubs win the pennant!  The Cubs win the pennant!  Douchebag decides that tonight he will “date” Alternachick and the one with a dick.  Boy is he in for a Crying Game surprise.  Tomorrow it’s Sturgess and Rodeo.  It’s like ugly squared.

- They keep featuring Rodeo laughing at her own jokes, and every time she cackles, I die a little inside.  Mostly in the testicular region.

- Now it’s time to get drunk in the limo.  Catfight time!  Red decides to abuse Token over the animal thing.  Token goes nuts pointing out that Bret was wearing snakeskin the other day.  Weren’t they just wearing racing leathers too, BTW?  Red Sonja is just a big dillhole who is only an animal activist when it doesn’t interfere with her being on TV and potentially getting teabagged by an aging rock star.  Token straight called her out.  On the other hand, Token literally went ballistic, screaming at the top of her lungs and getting really, really weird about the whole thing.  Then it starts getting real.

- Red Sonja changes into a PETA shirt.  Dallas changes into all the fur and leather she can find.  By the way, I had pork chops for dinner.  Animals taste fucking GREAT.  Anyway, the ladies...if you can call them that...are about to do battle.

- Leave it to Punky to set the scene properly..."Dallas, she walks up the stairs with her little strut, in front of Lacey, and rubs it in her face, but she needed to!  Lacey fucking deserved it!” Exactly.

- See Lacey just doesn’t know when to stop.  She walks up to Dallas and pokes her hard in the forehead.  Has she never seen a black comedian, a black movie or, well, any black people?  You don’t put your finger in a black girl’s face and you damn sure do not poke her in the fucking head unless you want her to cut you.  I’m sayin’ Dallas needs to cut a bitch.  Commercial.

- Back.Lacey is yelling “Jealous!” at Dallas.  Why?  Jealous of what?  Lacey follow her around the house and keeps grabbing her.  Dallas is actually trying to walk away at this point.  Someone needs to punch Red Sonja in the face here.  OK, treating this like it was real people for a moment, the right move would be to go get Big John, ask him to review the footage and either have a word with Lacey or just throw her the fuck out.  This, however, is not a house full of human beings, but rather idiots desperate to be famous...so, back to the whores!

Lacey literally, and I kid you not, is following Dallas around the house and grabbing her, rubbing her and obsessively repeating ‘Honey, sweety, show me how sexy you look in your fur coat.” Dallas, to her credit, is trying to walk away constantly, but Lacey will not stop.  It’s truly whacky and if it were two guys, no one would question for a moment if Dallas just knocked Lacey the fuck out.

Rodeo decides to step in.  It gets ugly.  Rodeo tries to pull Lacey away, and she grabs Dallas and the railing and refuses to let go.  It’s actually kind of crazy.  This has gotten to a flashpoint: It could get really out of control unless someone stop now.  If I were a producer I would stop filming and step in, but then I haven’t sold my soul for the 0.003 rating this pice of shit show is probably getting.

Enter Strong-as-fuck Rodeo, who grabs Lacey and yanks her to the ground in what looked a lot like a classic cop take-down.  I swear to God she is a bouncer or something.  She holds Lacey down so Dallas can walk away.  She barked at her in a complete commanding tone “STOP.” and dragged her up the stairs.  Lacey is all “Dallas is lucky she got away.” Oh please.  You’re a stereotype of the cowardly activist piece of shit.  The minute someone stood up to you, you got all quiet and scurried off.  If Dallas wants to, she could tear you apart.  We all know Rodeo can.  Shut your herp-hole.

- Moving on!  Douchebag is here to pick up Alternachick and Ms. Cock&Balls.  They want to “get to know him.” Sweeties, you already do.  He’s as deep as a puddle and as complex as Legos.  They have one of those inflatable theaters set up in the back yard.  Popcorn and everything.  I expect that one of the other whores will realize this at some point and crash the date.  Should be fun.  Bret actually said that this will give them insight into his life.  Hoo boy.  What in God’s name is this video going to be?  His pathetic vampire-themed sex tape where he never took off his hat?

- The video is titled ‘Tyhe Making of Brett Michaels.  WAIT!  Pause the show.  OK, here’s my version:

There once was a guy who wanted to be famous and play good-time party metal.  He made it.  Then someone threw him in a giant vat of industrial-strength douche, and his DNA was altered.  Now he roams the Hollywood Hills as...DOUCHEMAN!  Scourge of yeast!  Defender of dime-store philosophy!  Protector of all that is whorish and trashy!  DOUCHEMAN!

Unpause.

- He’s basically just trying to wow them with his rock star past.  It comes off as a bit desperate, to be honest.  It’d have been better put forth if it were some kind of surprise that Big John had made or somehting, but instead it’s Mr. Earnest Douchebag, Esquire, in all his douchey earnestness, selling these chicks half his age on his relevance.

- Alternachick says that she’s ADD so music is important for her.  Dicklady admits she’s not a Poison fan.  I’d say her excuse is she Polish (from Poland) but they have music in Poland.  CD players too!  Of course it takes four Polacks to turn on a CD player...no, OK, that’s mean and racist.  I shouldn’t tell Polish jokes.  Mainly because I married a half-Polish girl.  If she wasn’t here, I’d tell you the one about the pope, the altar boy and Lech Walesa’s browneye.

- So the ladies started to mill around in the house, gathering to come out and fuck shit up at the pool, so Douchey takes his dates back to his DoucheLair, The Fortress of Douchitude.  Alterna and Douche are bonding, so Ms. Cock&Balls decides to make out with Bret, and he flips the script and begs Sam to make out.  She’s allgedly hesitant but then she cleans the first three feet of his esophagus.

Somehow Sam says something about an orgasm, and now Douchey is laser-focused on trying to get her in bed.  She’s all ‘I want him to judge me for my mind.” Darling?  You’re on the WRONG SHOW.  She does in fact get up and leave though, so...points for her.  I fear we may have seen the last of Chick With A Penis...she’s about as connected to Bret as she is to her own femininity.

The “date” segment ends with a really soft, lilting version of a certain Poison song and the lyric “Every rose...” trailing off as Bret says “Date over, I’m horny.” WHAT.  A.  DOUCHEBAG.  I do not think there is any way for me to express the combination of the poignant music with the dickheadedness of Douchebag’s smarmy face juxtaposed together like the Mona Lisa hanging in a double-wide trailer.  Commercial.

- Next day and Big John brings another fucking poem.  I really hope he’s not writing these.  I bet he is though.  The date is about going out.

- In the limo, Bret asked the girls to tell him what happened last night.  Rodeo decides to tell Brett about the fight between AnimalHypocrite and Token With Leather.

Sidebar - Rodeo isn’t wearing makeup.  My dick just book a flight at Priceline.com to get the hell away from this vision.  I swear to God I would rather fuck a block of concrete.  Back to the story.

Rodeo pretty much tells the truth and Sturgess backed her up.  Douchebag’s confessional was, as usual, douchebaggy:  “To me, Lacey’s either gonna make passionate love to me or (douchebag hand gesture of a knife plunging down) kill me in my sleep.” That’s what the hell he took from the story?  The girls presented it as serious business.  Good lord this man is a bag of dicks.

- He takes the ladies to a swimsuit shop.  He says that he’s “arranged every girl’s dream.  I am going to get them the hottest bikinis ever, tailor-made to fit their bodies.” That’s every girl’s dream?  Really?  It;s not to maybe make a contribution to the world.  It’s not to raise a family.  It’s not even to pose in Playboy.  Nope.  All you ladies out there can stop the charade: we now know the truth!  All you want are custom-fitted bikinis.

Got it.  Thank Jesus for the wisdom of Bret Michaels, Douchbag seer and reader of women’s souls.

- By the way, Brandi M. is definitely Pamela.  As Pamela she doesn’t yet have the shoulder tattoo, but you can see that her belly tattoo matches.  Her shoulder piece is obviously new.

- OK, how the fuck I am going to impart this next scene to you is beyond me, but I will try.  So here’s Rodeo, wearing a two-piece.  She’s modeling on a small 8” platform while Bret sits in a chair, on the floor, pushed right up to the edge.  She turns and squats, in about the least sexy, most awkward “I’m about to shit on your lap and I hope you like scat, big boy” way imaginable.  She wiggles it a little right in his face.  Remember: she now has her butthole maybe three inches from his face.  And douchebag says, and I quote; “Being that a man cares about how they’re gonna feel in these suits, I had to get right up in there and make sure that it’s good.  I’m doin’ what I’m supposed to be doin’ as a boyfriend on a date.”

Have you ever seen a tandem 18 wheeler rolling down the highway?  You do realize that at least one of those trucks - at some point in your life - was or will be filled top to bottom, front to back with bottles of douche, right?  Bret makes more douche in a day with his mouth than Massengil makes all year.  Also, my goal is to be the only hit in Google if someone happens to search “Bret Michaels” and “douchebag” so...Bret Michaels is a douchebag.

- Back to the house. The “Varsity Squad” whores have created a “Wall of Shame.” They draw little pictures of the girls they hate and put them up on the wall.  Seriously.  You’d think these loopy cunts, to use Swearengen’s lovely phrase, were like 12 years old.  Do they not realize that people - albeit not many, but still - are watching them act like this?

- On the date - Lunch on the terrace.  Rodeo tells some more war stories.  Sturgess is wondering just how Rodeo can do all these amazing and/or life-threatening things, like, “where does she get the time?” She’s a lot older than you girls, sweetie.  She got the time from the calendar.  :) Douchebag turns the topic to turnons and turnoffs.  Sturgess is all about whipping and pulling hair, and she snorts a laugh and Bret goes hysterical over her “snort -burp combo.” Bret likes poo jokes.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Bret Michales does not watch a lot of British comedy, and in fact tells people he likes Python but only knows the Dead Parrot sketch and the scene where Arthur cuts the arms and legs off the Black Night.  He’s deep, ladies, Like a two-paragraph Cliff’s Notes summary of a Dostoevsky novel.

- Regarding the snortburp, Rodeo is all “I have a lot of class and you just.  don’t.  do.  that.” She said just like that, with the dramatic periods and pauses therein.  The very next edit is her sitting at the table, almost crushed by the sheer amount of class she is carrying, barely able to hold up her own head, but somehow, from under all that class, she says “My favorite position is doggy style.”

CLASSY.  Date over.  Back to the house.

- Douchebag has to interview more whores to figure out who to eliminate.  He’s got The Other Dumb Blonde and basically he asked her if she could handle him fucking around on the road.  Her answer was ‘I’m pretty chill about that stuff.” As all good gold-digging whores would be.  His cutaway was all about the fact that he had no connection with her but she’s got “the tinest ass I’ve ever seen.” It never ends.

- Next up on the DoucheCouch is Alternachick and Bret’s all “I had a great time last night” when she interrupts him to ask him to look at her when he’s talking to her.  She says it all cute though, not bitchy.  he replies ‘I am, I’m looking at your legs and your body.” For fuck’s sake. 

Look, I obviously don’t have a problem with looking at hot women.  I’m not opposed to porn on any level.  You see me posting shit all the time here, so I’m no prude, but for the love of god, does he have to act like a stereotypical “horny guy” every fucking moment of every day?  Can he never just talk to one of these women like...oh who the fuck am I kidding?  He’s treating them exactly as they are askig to be treated.  Nevermind.  WHORES.  I keep forgetting and thinking of these women as real people.  My bad.

- We get to Lacey and Dallas together.  Bret is mediating.  Bret hunts, eats meat and already has to put up with crazy PETA fuck Rikki Rocket who protests against the very medical research that keeps Bret alive, so...but then as he mentioned, he has not connected with Dallas at all.  Still: only black girl.  Will the producers let you send her home?  By the way, Lacey totally tried to spin it like Dallas was attacking her for no reason.  She seems to have forgotten the part where she refused to leave her alone and kept grabbing at her and eventually held her pinned to the stairs.  So she’s a liar, a whore and a bad drummer to boot.  Commercial.

- Back, and Red Sonja is calling Token “a cold-hearted bitchy person.” Who has the wall of “drawings” (they look like cave scribble) mocking everyone not in your little clique?  Yeah, that;s you, whore.  Also, I want to eat baby seal.  Fuck you.

- Two will be eliminated.  Bret walks out in a half-length patent-leather coat.  I hope that’s a sign. :) Brandi M. stays.  Jes stays.  She’s shocked.  Heather stays, and DickChick is mad.  Rodeo stays.  Douchey keep asking the girls to “stay and rock my world.” Brandi C. stays.  Erin stays.  Mia stays.  Magdelena stays.  Sam stays.  One pass left.  Kristia, Dallas and Lacey left.

- First to get the boot - Kristia.  Bimbo Methface starts crying.  Bret keeps Lacey and boots Dallas.  Unreal.  Maybe they would rather have the shit-starter than a token?  Dallas just walks away without hugging Bret goodbye.  I don’t blame her.  Lacey tries to play it up and get on Bret’s good side, and it works.  Bret’s all “When someone doesn’t have enough class to come up to you to thank you for invitin’ them to your house, for treatin’ ‘em nice, thatt’s pretty classless.” So’s the stupid whore you kept, douchebag.  And you didn’t “invite” her to “your” house: VH1 paid her to stay in the rental that they are also paying YOU to stay in.  Douchebag.

Last thing the dick says is, once again, are “Y’all ready to rock this house?” Previews show a big party.  Then something happens in Bret’s Fortress of Douchitude with three of the Whore Brigade, and some of the girls are crying.  Next week’s challenge seems to be a songwriting contest, and when Rodeo’s goes badly she literally breaks down.  Should be entertaining if nothing else.  It’s either this or masturbating to Girls Gone Wild commercials, so...better I do this.  :) See you next week.

Posted by JimK at 09:12 PM on July 29, 2007
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love
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Technorati: Rock of Love VH1 TV reality Bret Michaels Poison 80s hair metal

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