Rock Of Love Week 2 - Peep Show, or “I’m even sleazier than Rikki Rocket and that’s sayin’ somethin”

Oh boy.  Baldy Michaels has ‘em stripping in a peep show theme this week.  Can you imagine what that booth would smell like at the end of the night?  I imagine a heady mix of sweat, mango body spray, wet, moldy bread and the vague, almost-not-there aroma of Vagisil.  All that mixed with an open can of cat food you left in the car for a week.  In Arizona.

Can’t wait.

I tend to give these “ladies” nicknames, so to help keep them straight I’ll add a glossary of who is left each week.  Aren’t they the lucky ones…

Angelique - Silica, for the massive amount of fake material in her face/nose/lips/boobs/body.  Plus, brain like a rock.  She’s a Z-list porn star (NSFW!)
Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
KayJay - Kristy Joe.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The following “ladies” have not yet distinguished themselves enough to earn a name, although i suspect that will all change by the end of week 2’s whorefest.

Daisy
Korie
Roxy
Sara
Niki

And we begin.

- Awesome-ometer was at 11 last week.  Will he beat it?  The “awesome” in the recap doesn’t count.  Recap is about Courtney’s drinking and Ambre’s “second chance.”

- We open on a typical RoL morning.  Whores are snoring all safe in their beds, while visions of acrylic heels dance in their heads.

- Courtney wakes up from her bender and Peyton tells her she’s out. “That sucks.” “I’m going home because I’m a dumb bitch.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  I have a zero tolerance policy for “poor me” drunks, and a zero tolerance policy for hot girls who play the “I’m so ugly” game.  Courtney is 0 for 2 and She.  Is. Outta here.

- While getting their faces on, Sara says she’s here on a dare.  This makes SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD angry, and she plans to become the Heather/Red Cuntya by running to Bret.  Sara should be careful that Inna doesn’t try to eat her, or use her as a barbell.  Oh, here we go.  Vamps is doing Inna’s dirty work for her.

Can I just take a moment to say that Vamps has a brilliant psychological ploy at work here? 

The bandanna.  Bret won’t even understand when he’s so drawn to it, but I mean, fake blonde, loads of makeup, not really bright?  It’d be like fucking himself, and you know that’s got to appeal to him.  So she’s going outside to get at Bret and tell him all about Sara.  She asks him what he’s looking for, and Douche is not even trying to hide it this time.  He’s not pretending this is about his heart, or any kind of real thing.  “Physical attraction and chemistry, that’s the most important.” That’s our Douche!  deep like a puddle.

Anyway, Aubry’s tattle-tale act didn’t work yet, but you know how Douche is.  It’ll be the excuse he uses to eliminate a black girl.  Although Sara seems like maybe she’s Indian or half-black, half Indian.  Whatever she is, she’s pretty and Douche will eliminate her because she’s not white.

- John calls everyone to the living room and he has a “note” from Bret.  Silica read it.  No one understood what she said and they think it’s a Very Brady Special Episode: The Talent Show.  No, ladies, he wants you to press your pissflaps on the plexiglass.  Sure, I guess in some circles that’s a talent.  Anyway, it’s a talent show.

- Superworms plans to “kung fu,” whatever the fuck that means.  Silica is baking.  The talented part is, she’s using her own vagina as an oven.  Oh yeah, she had a convection attachment installed last time she was in for a lip-pump.  Sara is belly dancing.

- OK, remember, they think it’s a talent show.  They all think they are supposed to display an ability.  Hombre is “good at wrapping presents and stuff.” So she’s wrapping herself up. I think that about wraps up any speculation on her intelligence.  See what I did there?  Where’s a rimshot when you need one?

- Niki is writing a poem.  Peyton says shes sweet but that sucks.  Hey Sequel; Bret starts every day with a shit-tastic poem.  Go tell him how cheesy poetry sucks and watch the doorjamb as Big John chucks your whiskey throat out on the street.

- Oh God.  Such class. 

Yeah.  Not a talent show ladies.  You have 30 seconds to humiliate yourself and if he likes you, he can drop a token and he might let you be objectified for another 15 seconds.

- Vamps is first.  She’s going to play drums.  I’m scared.  Commercial.

- Back...Douche is dying to see some punani.  Vamps cannot play for shit.  It sounds a lot like what you here when that one stoned guy sits on the throne at a music store before an employee cn stop him.  Shit like that is why they don’t keep the drumsticks within a few feet of the drum kits anymore…

- Superworms did her Kung-Fu.  We got a “kick ass” from Douche, so I guess I need to start that meter running too...it “turned him on” and he used a token. (at this point I think we all realize that Bret is turned on by virtually anything.  If it involves women in any capacity, somehow he’ll find a way.  Other things that turn him on; stiff breezes, alcoholic stupors, Big John) Speaking of booze he’s on beer number two already.  Diabetesman.  So intelligent.

Niki did her cheesepoem.  Awful.  his reaction?  “Eh” with the douchebag hand gesture.  Nice.  All class.  he poem was better than his.

- Korie’s talent was to write “marry me” on a piece of paper.  Only she spelled it “merry.” Like “Merry Christmas.” Yes, Virginia, you are an idiot.

- Catherine also did a poem, which he also didn’t like.  Dude, they’re out-writing you.

- KayJay started ironed clothes, then started taking them off.  Here’s where Douche and I agree; super hot babes doing your laundry and then demanding that you “rock them” is fucking hot.  I know, that’s like, misogynistic to the max, dude, but I don’t care.  Hot ironing, hot stripping, talking dirty. 

What’s not to love?  All that was missing was a blow job and then her bringing him another beer.

- Oh for fuck’s sake.  Chazz just stands there in a flag bikini, giggling and jiggling, doing a “magic” trick where she puts a red, a white and a blue thong into a bag then pulls a flag out and holds it up.  Backwards.

That’s it.  I just want to fucking punch her.  Let me explain.  See, when KayJay did the whole “serving you” thing, she was obviously choosing to role-play and get some shit going.  Megan plays the dumb blonde giggly shit because she’s fucking functionally retarded and doesn’t know any better.  She is the kind of woman that, were I female, I think I would hate.  I hate her now, and she’s actually hot.  But I don’t care.  I’d rather lick Vampirella’s teeth - in the morning - than spend five minutes with Megan even if she was naked and diddling herself while moaning my name.

Wait, what did I just say?  What am I, gay?  I’m just trying to say I hate her.

- Sara does her dance and I hate to say it, Douche is right.  She did a belly dance without showing her belly.  Still, if that was an implanted white girl, he’s be making a “it turned me on” joke about the jangling bits on her costume.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD tied a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue.  *I* can do that.  Seriously.  Do you want to fuck me now, Bret? (Because you can.  With a condom, and for $643,827.42, but still, you can)

- Hombre’s turn.  She’s working the present idea, and she teased it right to the end until he dropped the token.  Yeah, I can see where this is going.  Whoever said the thing about her being a story for the show was spot-on.  “Almost Eliminated Girl Make Finals Of Fat Faced Douchebag’s Reality Show”

- Daisy.  She sang (not well) and wobbled back & forth...but she looks like twelve million kinds of hot in her Foreplay dress, so does it fucking matter what she did?  She’s also a different kind of slutty whore.  She seems to me like she owns her slutdom and just wants to rock out and be a slutty whore while she can.  She;s not playing dumb because she’s got no choice, she’s playing rock whore because she finds it fun.

Or I could be wrong and she’s got a brain like a fruitfly.

- Peyton is playing the guitar and singing.  Surprise!!!  Husky blues-rock voice. Not really a surprise, BTW.  She can actually do it though.  Now I know who she reminds me of.  She’s just like Dilana from Rock Star Supernova.  It’s like, at one time she might have been young and almost attractive, but then she decided to smoke meth for seven years while running with a biker gang, and her face never recovered.  Still...she’s talented, a bit, and now we know why she’s here; record deal.

- Silica is up next.  She just took off her clothes and put ‘em on the glass.  She painted herself with the chocolate mousse and licked it off her own tits.  Bret pulled out the “spiritual connection” line again.  WRITERS!  We need new dialogue for Mr. Michaels!

- We didn’t see everyone did we?  We didn’t see Five Head or Roxy.  Douche picked Peyton due to her talent.  Daisy (rockin’ bod, obviously) KayJay got a nod for being sexy, but Hombre wins the date for originality.

Ooooookay.  Like we didn’t know Hombre was going to be the big “winner.” Awesome-ometer: 1!  WTF?  He’s under-using one of his catchphrases!

- Some of the ladies went to bed early (all the VIPs), because he told them not to.  Err...."None of you go to bed early, cuz I’m ready to have a good time tonight.” You know, following instructions in this kind of situation, that’s pretty important.  When you are trying to get the washed-up rock star to be your sugar daddy, you sort of need to do what he says.

He’s confused as to where everyone is.  “Don’t go to bed early, it’s in Bret Michaels’ book of rock & roll rules.” I gotta say, he’s right.  Rule number one of hanging with famous people; NEVER.  LEAVE.  EARLY.  Be the last one out.  It is, without fail, the number one rule.  Never leave early.  Ever.  Unless you just don’t give a fuck.  In which case, fuck him and his magically expanding wig.

OH JESUS........."Do we need some music in this place?  Do you want me to play some music?” SO fucking fishing for them to say yes.  “Do you want me to play some music?” Why, is the CD player broken?  Does no one have a frigging iPod?  Do we really need to gather around you in half-circle and watch you play Every fucking Rose acoustically a-goddamned-gain?  Oh we do?

Sorry.  My bad.  I guess it’s really important!  Look what it does for some people.  That is one hell of a look on her face.

- He’s “pissed” about the VIPs not hanging out...he’s decided to hold an “old school dance contest” tomorrow and the winner gets “real VIP treatment” WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WRITE?  I know the words, but I don’t see how they apply or what they mean.  It really feels scripted, I don’t see how that just came into his head.  I mean, if you are him and there are four VIP girls that didn’t hang out late at night with you, is the first thing you think ‘Well, I’ll just hold an old school dance contest!  That’s show those bitches!” WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

So I’m having a party at the house, with all of you.  You’re all hanging out in my living room/dining room and we’re laughing and drinking and you’re watching me play Bioshock or something, cuz I’m so awesome and kick-ass at it.  So then we notice that...umm...Rann isn’t in the room.  I ask, and someone says he went upstairs an hour ago.  So instead of ‘Hey, anyone check on him to see if he’s OK?” or, maybe, “Hey, go drag his ass downstairs, I’m about to kill Andrew Ryan with a golf club...again!” I calmly and decisively announce that we are going to have an “old school dance contest” because that’ll fucking teach him!

How is that anything but a scripted reaction?

Anyway, he’s “mad” and sending the other girls to eff with the VIPs.  They tell them about the “old school dance off” and Daisy and Destiney’s reaction is fairly similar to mine. “What year is this?” and “Fucking kiss my ass.” I certainly understand where they’re coming from.  Commercial.

- OH MY GOD THE CHICKS THAT WENT TO BED EARLY ARE SLEEPING IN THE MORNING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!  Ominous music sounds.  Big John tells them that VIPs are not protected and if something is happening they need to put in an appearance.

HOLY fuck she’s an entirely different human being without all that shit on her face.  Someone take her makeup case away.

- A new shitfuckminderasemakemedumber poem from Bret telling the winners to get ready for their date.  They leave and Chazz is torqued.  She needs to explain that she was exhausted and trying to get her beauty sleep, and then she said, and I quote “I was just trying to be hotter for him, if that’s possible.”

Ok.  That’s it.  I want her dead, I want her family dead, if she has a little yappy dog I want it dead too.  I cannot go forward knowing that someone this fucking bubbleheaded is dragging down the national IQ.  Megan. Must. Die.

So the sleeping bitches decide to make a card for him.  Sure.  That;s the first fucking spontaneous idea that would come to the brain of a bubblehead like Chazz.  A fucking card.  That’s not in any way a written bit from the production crew.  And the fact that there is poster board, glitter, glue, markers and probably a goddamned easel won’t be a setup either.  Doesn’t every rock & roll mansion have a crafts room?

- Cut to the date: four-wheelin’.  Bret makes his usual douche entrance by speeding up over the crest of a tiny little hill and unveiling his bandanna covered head.  Then he does a commercial for California somefuck Motor something, the idiots that supplied the quad-runners.  he picked ATVs because he thnks they make people want to fuck.

YOU ARE OVERDOING THE WHOLE “I’M A HORNY ROCK STAR, LOOK AT HOW VORACIOUS MY LIBIDO IS!” Seriously.  No one makes this make sex jokes about every fucking little fucking motherfucking thing they do, you big bald douchebag.  Bret Michaels is a balding douchebag.  I’m a lot of things, and people can find a million reasons to mock me, but i will die someday, and on my death bed, i swear to you, my last words, or near to my last, will be “At least I wasn’t a douchebag like Bret Michaels.”

Also, he did the robot.  Like the dance.

They rode them, and the ladies drove as well as anyone else.  Hombre took to it pretty well.  Oh look, Ambre has yet another connection to Bret!  Oh my, what a strange and wonderful coincidence!

- Cut back to the house; SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and Silica are going to organize the “old school dance contest” since no one else is.  Whatevs.  Meanwhile, on the set of Martha Whore Living, Superworms, Five Head and Chazz are creating a tea cozy out of old maxi pads and an unused chastity belt.  Or they’re crafting a “card” out of “stuff they found in their room.” Yeah.  I believe that.

- Cut to the date.  Lunch, and douche is complimenting Sequel.  He’s bonding with her and Daisy over music and Hombre is left out.  Oh wait, the scripts calls for him to bond with her too, so now we’re doing that.  Oh look, they drove over to a picnic area.  He’s asking her what she’s into.  He’s feeding her questions and she’s acting like she likes him, then they bring up the “I almost let her go” thing again.  For fuc’s sak////what am I, stupid? 

1. The pre-setup picnic area.
2. His utterly disinterested fake tone when feeding her cues asking her questions
3. Her remarkably bad acting - it wasn’t her seven year relationship that stifled her career, it’s her shitatstic “talent.”
4. The constant referencing of how she almost got thrown off
5. His stupid fucking joke about how she;s the best kisser and he got “movement.” In his pants, see.  that;s another one of Bret’s really, really funny jokes that lets you know he’s a horny rock star who gets more ass than a toilet seat.  isn’t he wonderful?  All the ladies want to fuck him and all the men want to be him! 

Or puke on him.  I get those things mixed up.

- back to the house.  The VIPs got all whored up and are sitting in front of the door with their card.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD decides this is offensive.  Her and Silica get all whored up and this make Superworms all sorts of upset.  ‘They’re like, copying us.”

OHMIGAWD!  They’s so totally like, bitches or whatever?  And like, complete skanks or whatever.  We’re like, totally awesome and classy or whatever?  And Bret’s gonna want to marry us all or whatever!  You spell merry with an O, right?  Not like that totally dumb girl Korie or whatever, We spell it good.

- Date: Hombre and Douche are done playing make believe.  No one else got alone time, so the whole setup looks even more fake.

- House: The competition to be the most childish whore EVER heats up.  The first whores...hey, if the three of them keep hanging out, that is totally their team name: The First Whores.  Anyway, they get chairs and put them directly in front of the door.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and Angelique get chairs and put them in front of theirs, closer to the door.  At this point, I expect Angelique to put her chair down at the end of the driveway and sit there doing the V For Vagina two-finger spread pose.  Commercial.

OH Sweet fuck.  VH1 plays these bumpers in between breaks for reality shows.  In this one, Bret is wearing one unbelievable wig.  When I say “unbelievable” I mean “something that you cannot believe,” not just an exclamatory adjective.  I mean it literally.  Who the fuck does he think he’s fooling?  He’s got Kevin Dubrow syndrome.

If only Bret would die of a cocaine overdose.

Was that going too far?

- House: Shit is getting tense in front of the door.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is all “Shut the fuck up.” Douche comes in.  SRB and Silica fawn over him and then for no reason whatsoever, leave the room, so that the next scripted moment can happen.  This is so much more scripted than last year.  It’s almost unwatchable.  So the broads give him the card.  It’s “awesome.” Awesome-ometer; 3.  Taking it easy on the “awesomes” in favor of seventy-three thousand jokes about doing “it,” Douchebag?

- No.  I will not comment on how he said “These girls are taking the bull (douchebag hand gesture of stroking a cock) by the horn.” FUCK.  I just did.  DAMN YOU BRET MICHAELS.

- Inna is judging the “old school dance contest.” Bret forgot about the “old school dance contest.” Bret will be watching the “old school dance contest” while wearing his shit-tacular “American Outlaw” hat.  Dude, that thing must REEK of wig glue.

Oh yeah, we were talking about the “old school dance contest.” See, the reason I keep typing “old school dance contest” is because HE KEEPS SAYING IT.  The producers wrote down old school dances on slips of paper.  Like “the robot and “running man.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  The winner gets a pass that lets them chuck another girl the hell out of there in any situation and take her place, basically.  Under the rules he gave, he could be on a date, and a pass holder can make him chuck the girl on the date and take her place.  Such a writing ploy.

- Oh, hey!  Roxy is still on the show.  also, SRB and Silica get to control who wins.  Do they not get to win the passes then?  Seems like it would be an important thing to win if it was real.

- Vamps gets “the shopping cart.” I don’t even know what that is.  KayJay got The Worm.  She moves like she has a rod up her ass.  he of course confessionals a stupid joke about her breasts, trying to be oversexed again.  Seriously, this is just pathetic now.  Chazz got moonwalking.  She shuffled backward.  At least she knew it was supposed to go backwards.  Korie got “the hammer.” What the fuck?  We also see the lawnmower, the cabbage patch (I remember that one) the robot, the funky chicken, the running man, the pony, (Daisy got an awesome - Awesome-ometer: 4!) and then they go to decide, aka “say the stuff the writers gave us.” I have no idea what the fuck happened.  I think that, because of the nationalities of the two judges, Bret made a “non-binding resolution” joke, except this is actually binding, so the fucking joke doesn’t work.

Roxy, Superworms and Daisy win.

- Elimination time.  Silica is confident.  of course you will stay.  You’re a frightening monster who is willing to play a total bitch on camera!  You are a shoo-in to make the final four.  Commercial.

- Back.  Ladies are lined up like hookers in the front parlor of a whorehouse.  Which is pretty goddamned accurate, actually.

- Douche is again, dressed fairly nicely.  Stylist!  White shirt, matching white bandanna, super sweet wig.  Totally sweet and thick with a sheen like the soft hind end of a pale horse.  Oddly enough, that’s were they got the wig hair, so it all works out.

- Something has been bothering The Douche.  Oh look, it’s the Sara thing!  What. A. Surprise.  Bret calls her out, and she tries to backpedal.  Inna goes apeshit and calls her out as a liar.  She kinda is.  Inna’s still a bitch.  or, playing a bitch I should say.

So Douche stops the yelling, calls Sara down and gives her the boot.  Hey, look!  He found a reason to kick out a non-white girl!  Two down, one to go!

- Inna gets the first pass.  Holy shit on a stick.  Does VH1 broadcast in high def?  Because if they do, this must be one scary broad at 1080p.

You know what’s weird?  Inna’s a white girl.  Why is her face the same color as Sara’s at elimination?  Did they hire Helen Keller to do makeup?

- Sequel gets a pass.  Hombre gets one too, and YET AGAIN he brings up that she almost left and YET AGAIN she brings up the “connection.” Superworms gets the next pass.  Chazz too.  Awesome-ometer: 5.  Daisy, Roxy, Jessica, KayJay (she makes a funny.  Sorta.  “Will you stay and blah blah blah” she said “No.” Then laughed.  ha. Ha.)

- Catherine gets a pass.  Told you, she’ll be here until around 7 or 8 left, then get the boot with a big speech about how wonderful she is.  Catherine is a stand-in for the upper end of Bret’s aging fanbase.

- Vamps gets a pass!  Phew!  I thought yet another broad I gave a nickname to would be leaving.

- Korie, Niki and Silica left, I think we all know who is staying.  Commercial.

- Back.  Wow, Douche went heavy on the guyliner. 

- Hey, shocker, Angelique stays.  OH MY.  The kiss thing.  Oh my god.  She tried to tongue kiss Bret with those dead things on her face, and the tongue coming out and VH1 actually taped a close-up of her mouth-hole

Christ.

- Douche says goodbye to Niki.  Same shit.  “If this was a different time, blah blah blah.” Hire new writers, dude.  he says goodbye to Korie, who confessionals that she was the best girl in the house.  By best, did she mean “second dumbest next to Megan?”

- Scene from the next: Lacey, bitches, in some roller derby.  Also, KayJay gets painted as the lying bitch and drama at eliminations.  KayJay, if you get kicked off the show this early, you will NEVER get Playboy Cybergirl of the Month!

OK, we’re done.  There’s three hours we’ll never get back.  See you next week!

Posted by JimK at 11:55 PM on January 21, 2008
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love,  Rock Of Love 2
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