Rock Of Love 2 Week 1, part 2 - Back to the Rocking Horse

Here’s part 2 of yesterday’s post.

Previously, on Douche of Douche, Douche acted like a douche and met some skanks who, if we’re being honest, could use a little douche up ‘em.  Onward!

- We broke yesterday at the 30 minute mark.  Bret had just finished up his “VIP time” (sweet merciful Minerva that just sounds so fucking douchey).  Now it’s time for the rest of them to mingle.  Big John: “The rest of you have one hour.  There will be an elimination tonight, so get at it.” Yeah whores!  Throw your meatflaps on the glass, bitches!  Time to bag you a sugar daddy.

- Angelique (Silica, that’s the new and final name for her) is aggressive...wait.  WAIT.  STOP.  Hold the fucking phone.  As I was formulating some kind of new insult for Silica, Douche McFuckingCocksuckingDickragDouchefuck drops the “knowledge” replete with hand gesture.  “All the girls bombarded me but you know what? One of the things you do when you take rock & roll 101 training is to handle bombardment.  Bombardment and rock & roll go (douchebag hand gesture of bringing his hands together and intertwining his fingers, coupled with super serious look of pure douche concentration on his face) hand in hand.”

It’s like someone made a new Massengil fragrance: Cheesy Cheddar Douche.

- Roxy pulls him away and hops in his lap.  She’s laying the “I’ll do anything” vibe on him.  She gets maybe eleven seconds before more girls show up and try to pile on his lap.

- Off to the side, we have the wallflower/nice girl crew forming.  Ambre, Kristy Joe, some ugly chick (I know, that really narrows it down) the “fat brown girl” (sorry, she said it and now it’s the only thing I can remember about her.  Dunno her name yet) and the cross-eyed, five-headed one.  There might have been a couple more.  Superstar Molly Shannon-alike, someone else, the old one.  These are the non-slut whores.  They’re just emotional and reputation whores, not actual physical streetwalking, fuck-ya-for-a-fiver whores.

- Catherine admits she’s 45.  Nailed it. She looks exactly that old, maybe five years older.  To her credit, she flat-out said it, so it’s not like she’s lying or anything.  Bret will keep her just long enough to not anger his older fans.  So she’s having a Rodeo-type conversation with him about kids when Silica invades...ok, here’s the thing.  he was CLEARLY aggravated with her pulling her “We need to talk to Bret now, you’ve had him for five minutes” nonsense.  He reacted to her with that barely-disguised annoyance that he used on Ms. “Don’t threaten me with a good time” from last season.  “Gimme two seconds.” But then he does a douchebag confessional where he says that “Frenchy’s” (his name for her) neediness turns him on in “some sick way.” Why does he do that?  Why does he feel the need to make himself into a bigger fucking dickbag than he already is?  There’s no need to compound the douchery.  It’s like his dial is set at megadouche as it is.  And yet, I feel like he can attain hereto untold levels of pure dickbaggery.

- One of the chicks is in her bra & panties, tryng to mount Bret, and Kristy Joe mentions she won’t strip off and throw herself at him.  But, she does playboy.  GOOGLE HERE I COME.  The following links are Not Safe For Work:  Kristy Joe 1 - A few more from that shoot - Kristy Joe with lighter hair.

Smoking bod.  Clearly here for the publicity.

- We see one of the shy girls kiss him on the cheek for 0.000064 nanoseconds.  It elicits another awesome.  Awesome-ometer: 8.

- Inna pulls out the “daddy issues” speech.  Oh, she’s the one in her underwear.  Kristy Joe says she;s not used to chasing guys and she’s got no game...and to illustrate that, Bret closes the door in her face.  Commercial.

You know, I would never close the door on a woman that fine.

- Moving inside, Bret is chatting with Jackye.  Mostly due to her stupid name, I want to call her Sockeye.  She doesn’t look *that* much like a salmon.  Well, OK, a little.  There is also an element of personal experience at play here.  I know that full-blooded Italian girls are often..."fragrant." Let’s just leave it at that and call her Sockeye.  Anyway, he’s talking with Niki and Sockeye.  As it turns out, Niki is shy and doesn’t really look like Molly Shannon in this light.  She’s actually kind of pretty.  Not gonna make it in this house, but whatever.

Oh and Douche is all “We could have a great fuck one night.  What makes us go beyond that?” Not being a total cock?

- Courtney (Fat Brown Girl) is fucking blotto.  She’s apparently been at the whiskey all night.  Ambre (who seems like a nice person but spells her name like an idiot, so she’s now known as Hombre) has decided to be her babysitter.  Courtney’s one of those “I’m fat annni’m ugly, issh okay, ish ogay” drunks. 

- Kristy Joe and Missi have been paired off all night...they finally track down Douche and once again he walks away.  This time he has to pee.  He gets distracted by Sockeye poledancing.  meanwhile, Missi and Kristy Joe and sitting on this couch, waiting for Douche to come out of the bathroom.  Which will never happen, because he’s playing rock star and watching Sockeye dance.  Poor kids.  Luckily Big John directs Bret back to them.  Aren’t they lucky!

In all seriousness, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FORGET THAT A STUNNING PLAYBOY MODEL IS WAITING FOR YOU TO FINISH PISSING, AND INSTEAD GET DISTRACTED BY A WOMAN SO AVERAGE HER NICKNAME IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS FIVE?  Jesus Everloving fuck.  Then, because Bret Michaels is a douchebag, he confessionals this priceless gem: “There’s something about Kristy Joe’s cold personality that just wants me to find out what she’s about.”

Now if he stopped there, I could totally understand.  I kind of dig her ice queen act too.  Plus...I mean...did you see her?  But nope...Bret cannot leave it at anything like an intelligent comment.  he’s set his phasers on douchekill.  He finishes the thought with “Plus I want to massively suck her face.”

Really?  “Suck her face?” What are we thirteen?  Why am I even surprised anymore when he says this shit?  He basically blows them off, BTW.  Kristy Joe doesn’t want to kiss him, and they’re playing it in editing like she’s a freak who requires a clean room.  What woman in her right mind would want to make out with Bret after he’s throat-fucked an army of skeezers?  Another skeezer, that;s who.

Not only is Kristy Joe hot as balls, but I think she;s maybe the only semi-intelligent one here.  Bret’s mouth is a cesspool of supervirii and mega-bacteria by now.  I’d think these ladies would want to hit that shit with some Toilet Duck or something before they kiss him, but so far, KayJay is the only smart - and safe - one.  We may be looking at the Jes of this season.  RUN!  I TRIED TO TELL JES, BUT SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN!  RUN AWAY!  GO!  NOW!

- Douche macks on Jessica, who is going to ”make him get to know me.” OK then.  You go right ahead, sister.  Get in line, and when you are done, here’s the number for a couple of local clinics you’re going to want to visit.  Yep...tongue-kissing.  She’s like 14 or 18 tonight.

- Holy fuck, Courtney is passed the fuck out.  Seriously.  Passed out, like draw-on-her-face-in-sharpie passed out.  Doh.

- John tells everyone to get ready for eliminations.  Apparently they got Courtney up.  She’s trying to find an outfit..."Am I ugly or do I need to go home?” Oh Jesus.  Nothing like a little self-esteem to attract a man, eh?  Maybe I’m just a prick, or as I get older I don’t give a fuck anymore, but that immediately makes me think that if I were the guy here, I’d just cut her ass with the quickness.  Not for being a drunk.  For being a “poor me” drunk.

She can’t stand up...two other girls are trying to help her.  EVS.  Cut her.

- Fifteen beds, 20 girls.  Everyone all worried.  Look, it’s simple; the closer he got to your vagina tonight, the more likely it is that you will be staying.  You can guarantee a bed by slapping yoru meaty lips on his arm or something.  Splorch.  Oh look, a wacky wallwalker!

Courtney is too drunk to go to eliminations.

- Jesus fuck Christ, I didn’t even notice it before.  The Hollywood Taxi is parked in the main hallway that Douche comes down to leave...I guess his bedroom?  I swear to God I want to firebomb that goddamned bike now.  WE GET IT, BRET.  WE FUCKING GET IT.

Wig’s looking so fine, by the way.  And they hired a stylist, because he’s dressed well in an all-black suit.  Bandanna, of course.

- Elimination starts.  Puff-face notices that Courtney is missing.  They move on.  First pass if for: Chazz (Megan).  Duh.  There’s a fucking surprise.  He’s so going to bang her eighty times before this show is over.  Awesome-ometer: 9 Inna hates her.  I’d be scared.

Daisy gets the next one, and he calls her his sex kitten.  I’m so bored with his ridiculousness I don’t have a joke for that.  Superworms (Destiney) gets the next one.  Vamps (Aubry) gets the next one, which breaks the VIP string, as ETBPR™ has not received one yet.  Maybe he sent a notice to her Myspace.  He’s doing that “will you stay and rock my world” shit again.  Peyton gets the next pass.  Wow, she’s actually scary looking up close.  What the fuck was I thinking when I said she was okay-looking? 

Inna, Korie, Jessica, Roxy, and Sara get the next five rapid-fire.  Then we pause for a little speech how he “just likes this person” as he keeps Catherine.  KayJay calls her “old.” Yeah, she is, but sometimes these old broads get his number.  “Are you really into that?” Did you not see Heather?  We called her Stripper Grandma for a reason, nudiegirl.  Awesome-ometer hits 10 as KayJay gets a pass.  Douche wants her to get over her germ thing...if you bathe in bleach, maybe.  Chazz confessionals that this all seems weird and KayJay isn’t here for Bret.  I totally agree.  she’s here to further her Playboy career and maybe get centerfold out of this.

- Shygirl Niki gets a pass.  Silica gets a pass.  Douche “felt a spiritual connection when you took your shirt off.” *sigh* Daisy confessionals this: “Angelique, bless her heart, but I mean come on...are you serious?  I mean...seriously.” I so totally agree with that.  100% for the reals.  Angelique?  Seriously?  Why not just get a Real Doll and call it Angelique?  How would you tell the difference?

- One pass left.  We have Erin, Hombre, Courtney (sort of) Missi, Sockeye, and someone I don’t recognize.  Oh, it;s Ashley.  She;s fuckin’ memorable.  :) I don’t even know if that’s everyone, and I can’t be fucked to care, either.  They promo some kind of dramatic weirdness next, which makes Douche throw the remaining pass on the ground.  Commercial.

- Back, and Douche starts in on how he hates to let people go, yadda yadda.  The tension mounts.  Wait, no, that’s a fart.  Hang on.  OK, tension relieved.  The last person is going to be his “party buddy” (read: fuck towel) and it’s.........Sockeye!  Hooray for wild fish vagina.  This makes her the Brandi M. of this season.

- Oh shit...Sockeye tells him that before he got out there, she wanted to go home.  Anxiety and all that.  Then she says that seeing him now, she wants to stay.  WHATEVER.  There’s always one, isn’t there?  Honey, I told you, slap the cooze right on his thigh.  G’head!  Whip down your panties, if you stopped long enough to put any on, and slap that beefy taco right on his leg!  Leave an Italian vag slime trail down his Italian slacks, baby girl!

Well, that doesn’t happen.  He makes her re-decide if she really wants to stay, since if she stays, he might lose the chance to get near some other whore’s pussy...and she leaves so he can get some fresh ass.  Aww!  I gave her a nickname and everything.  Bye bye, Sockeye.  Oh yeah, Awesome-ometer; 11.

- So he flips Sockeye’s pass on the ground and says “I’ve got room for one more.”

Jesus.

First of all, you have to either be using this show for your career or have the lowest sense of self on earth to put up with this kind of reality dating shit.  But to sit there and have to be EXCITED that Fatface Michaels, oh He of the Extra Pancake Makeup had decided that although you weren’t good enough to make it, if you are really lucky and eat your peas and say your prayers, he might deign to keep your unworthy ass around another week.  “Now, five minutes ago, all you whore cunts were unworthy of my time, and I was literally throwing your nasty asses out on the street like so much garbage.  But, one of the whores I picked was mental, so now, I can keep one of you bitches around another week.  Aint you the fucking lucky ones?” He didn’t say that, but he may as well have.

Something Donna noticed; he was all “I’m not going to say your tour ends here” to Jackye.  He said they made a connection, they would stay friends.  One microsocond after she was out of sight, he threw her pass on the ground with disdain.

Yeah.  Some friend.  Bret Michaels is...I bet you can’t guess...ok, you got me; a douchebag. Bret Michaels is a douchebag.

I really wish whoever he picks next would tell him to go fuck himself.

- The pass goes to; Commercial.

- Back, and this could not end soon enough for me.  I’m actually angry with Douche right now.  Again.  Shocker, right?  ;) Anyway, Hombre gets it.

- Missi, Erin, Ashley, all go home.  Does Courtney go too?  Will they stretcher her out tonight?  Bring her to an emergency room?  Dump her by the side of the 405? So dramatic and stuffs.  Oh shit!  On the way out, Missi scores; “Is Nikki Sixx available?” Heh.  Good for her.  Even if she does have a bit of the crazyeye going.  :)

- ETBPR™ gets some sappy speech from Douche as she leaves.  Silica does a confessional where she mutters something about beauty and Bret looking for “more than (points to her own face) just a pretty face.”

WHAT THE COCK IS THAT SHIT?  Where’s the pretty face?  I see the goddamned Cloverfield monster.  Fake cheeks, nose, eyes, horrifying lips...she looks like a playdough woman that was left on the back deck of a hot car.

- Erin thinks that America will feel like Bret made the wrong decision.  Uhh, no we won’t.  I know you think that your Myspace is the center of the fucking universe, and every comment you get probably reinforces that, but one day you will grow up, sweetie, and you will learn that the world does not revolve around you, what you think or if you are alive or dead.  No one cares.  Trust me.  By the time you are 30, you’ll know; the world doesn’t even notice when you stop contributing.

- They are keeping Courtney for the night, but Bret tells the girls that when she wakes up, someone tell her that her tour has ended.  Nice guy.  all class, is Bret Michaels.  They open those ridiculous Bret-labeled beers and he does his “Ready to rock this house” thing again.  he’s so fucking...douchey.

Then we get the “this year on RoL” mahwn-tahge Guess who’s back?  Back again.  Lacey’s back.  Fucking run and hide.  Wait, that doesn’t rhyme.  Seriously, Red Cuntya?  Really?  Like I believe for one millisecond that Bret has kept in touch and really wanted her back?  Like I don’t know VH1 is bringing the bitch back?  I swear to fuck, if they play that Elton John song I will kill seventy-three people and blame it on Poison’s devil music. Oh, and Heather and Rodeo are back as well.  Drama, titties, you know the drill.  Fights, all kinds of stupid shit.  Stick around.

Unfortunately, I will.

Posted by JimK at 12:10 AM on January 18, 2008
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love,  Rock Of Love 2
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