Rock Of Love Reunion show, or “Second chance to bang the early eliminations”

Well now.  It may be over, but the drama continues.  It’s the Rock of Love Reunion show.  We’ll get to see old favorites like Don’t Threaten Me and Scarface McPornWhore, plus we’ll see if Bret respects his elders when he is reunited with Rodeo.  Can’t wait.  :)

As ever, the Rock of Love glossary:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits.
Brandi C. :Scarface, Methface, Whorebucket McSuckdick, Half of the Wondertwins, Bimbo C., and any mention of half of a Barbie set. Don’t forget she’s a porn star too! (NSFW!)
Kristia: The other Wondertwin, Barbie set, or Other Dumb Blonde
Dallas: Token.  Just like South Park.  She’s the only black person within eleventy miles.
Mia: Meadow Soprano.
Lacey: Red Sonja, Cunty, Cuntya, Red Cuntya.
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Sam: Alternachick.
Brandi M.: Sturgess, BB Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
Erin: Heartland Hooters.
Magdelena: Chick With A Penis.  Variations on that theme, like DickGirl or Ms. Cock&Balls.
Rodeo: A cartoon character who needs no nickname.  Sometimes I call her Leatherface, but it’s an adjective, not a noun.  :)

Girls that were out before they got nicknames (and what I shall call them):
Tamara: Box of Rocks
Tiffany: Don’t Threaten Me, Superdrunk
Raven: The Other Black Girl
Tawny: Who? No. 1
Lauren: Who? No. 2
Bonnie: Who? No. 3
Krista: Who? No. 4
Faith: Snoozefest
Meridith, Kim, Kelly and Pam: Elim-a-girls 1 through 4
Jessica: The Ugly One, SuperRetarded

- We open with another prime example of rock-world douchedom, Ricki Rachman.  And I shall call him Mini-Douche.  God I despise him.  He’s literally one and a half “cool” steps up from Adam Curry.  Perfect to host this has-been/never-was whorefest.

- Ricki tells us that Douche and Punky will be reunited for the first time in six months.  I’m not sure if I appreciate the honesty or think they’re stupid for giving away that the whole thing was a waste of time and totally fake.  Or maybe both.

- We’re re-introduced to the “ladies.” Then Douche Michaels gets a recap of his former glory as he’s introdouched.  That;s right, I said it.  Introdouched.  You fucking know you wish you thought of it.

- Douche takes a seat and Mini-Douche tells him that this show became one of the highest rated shows in VH1 history.  On the surface that sounds impressive, until you find out that the highest rated show ever was Danny Bonaduce’s “Behind the Music.” (I don’t know if that was true, but it made me laugh so I wrote it anyway.  For all I know it was Leif Garrett’s Behind The Music special that holds the top spot).

- Donna thinks Bret looks drunk.  I agree.  Puffy-faced, glassy-eyed and red as a Cialis user on a porn set.  Dude looks *wasted*.  Plus he’s wearing 38 layers of makeup.  Wow.

- Mini-Douche thinks this made him a bigger star than he ever was...except that stardom implies people like what you’ve done.  Everyone I know, and every blog I read about this train wreck flat-out stated that Bret was a dick, a douche and asshole, a pompous git, a tool, and feel free to continue down that path for a good 30 or 40 more insults.  No one became a Bret Michaels fan based on this show.  Anyway, Douche gives credit to the girls for making the show popular.  That is partially true, but we also tuned in for the douchiness.

- AWESOME-O-METER: 2

- Mini-Douche: “As powerful as your love story was...” Errr...what love story?  Did they show Rachman some other reality series?  Anyway, here’s a flashback segment on Dumb Blonde Barbie Twin Bitches.  Yay!  Brandi C. has some hot titties.  Too bad that belly tattoo is horrific.  I’d rather stare at a close-up of Freddy Krueger’s burned face.  Hey. come to think of it, her and Freddy might have the same number of scars!  Methface!  Methface!

Anyway, we get treated to a lovely collection of the dumbest things that any women have ever said in the history of television.  If you’ve been reading all along you get the gist of what was said.  Really dumb shit.  Plus the moment Kristia was eliminated and Brandi C. cried!  Awww!

- Back with Mini-Douche and the Barbie Whores are dressed awfully alike in like, whore-style wedding dresses.  Jesus effing Wilson, are you kidding me with this?  Mini-Douche says they should put their boobs together to answer any tough questions.  Ha.  Funny callback, trollboy.  Big Daddy Douche says, and I quote, “I’ll double that motion.” Uhh, no, stupid, you’ll second it.  Good effort though.

So the whores have moved in together in LA.  I believe Heather is living with them now too.  They road-tripped from Minneapolis to LA, and filmed themselves along the way.  Where’s the film?  They couldn’t figure out how to use the camera.  Other Dumb Blonde: “IT said it was recording, that’s all I know.” This has to be an act.  It has to be.

Oh fuck, they made the dresses themselves and they are wedding dresses.  FUCKING SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP...they;re just telling long, boring stories about shit.  It’s like, old people boring, plus the added effect of really dumb combined into 120 of the most boring seconds ever filmed.  The Douches are stunned, and one of the whores says “If you put your boobs together you can think better.” Oh ha.  I get it.  How witty.  Mini-Douche tells her it was a good one.  He’s being charitable.  MAKE IT STOP!  Oh thank God.  Commercial.

- Back and we’re looking at a mawn-tahge of Rodeo’s madness.  Again, stuff you’ve already seen, so...moving on.

In studio, and Rodeo’s wearing the hat Douche gave her at elimination.  She talks about how hard it was to leave and how she still feels for Douche.  She wants a second chance with him.  He gives her the “I still really like you a lot and you’re an awesome human being” shit.

AWESOME-O-METER: 3

Uhh...now Rodeo’s plugging barbecue sauce.  You know what?  This might sound crazy, but that bottle looks exactly like the bottles of ”JR’s Barbeque Sauce” as in Jim Ross from WWE.  I bet it’s some company that just slaps a different label on the same shit depending on who’s paying.

- We switch it up to Alternachick.  To show it all would take to long...that’s called a mawn-tahge...mawn-tahge!

Studio time.  Mini-Douche says that Sam was one of the people that viewers had feelings about.

Can I ask, what the fuck is she wearing around her neck?  It looks like a weird, sort of high-class-wannabe version of a rope.  I mean, like the kind you tow a truck with.  Like, a big rope, the kind you’d find on a boat.  It sort of looks like someone glued a lot of Bedazzler beads to a braided rope and spray-painted it silver.

Anyway, she looks a LOT better than she did on the show.  She runs Douche STRAIGHT down, with no hesitation AT ALL.  “I was expecting a mental connection.  I didn’t even think of a physical anything, that’s not where I want to find love.  I don’t want to find love with a man that’s like, making out with girls, you know what I’m saying?  I didn’t think you’d be sleeping with Lacey, I didn’t think you’d be having a threesome with the girls.”

Dizz-izz-amn.  I bet at the time this was taped, Bret was pissed, but you know that on some level Douche thinks this is all just enhancing his “cool” rep, and that’s why it’s in the final broadcast.  It just reinforces the douche factor, though.

She just lays it out that he’s not trustworthy.  She’s right.  Douche’s response to her was essentially that her kiss was a fuck you to him, and that maybe in another world they could be together.  Only if that world was one in which you weren’t a self-absorbed misogynist, Bret.  She kind of wants to punch him in the face.

AWESOME-O-METER: 4.  And ever-loving Jesus FUCK he’s wearing a lot of makeup.  It’s really distracting.  Also, his face got fatter since the show.  He looks even more like Geoff Tate now.  Lacey is up after the break.  Commercial.

- We’re back, and Bret has left the stage.  Why can’t Puffyface McDouchebag be on stage with his main house whore?  Anyway,it’s Red Cuntya time!  Anything that we want to go, from just a beginner to a pro, you need a mawn-tahge...mawn-tahge!

She comes strolling out from backstage...wow.  Neck down, hot as shit.  Neck up?  BEAT.  So Ricki asks her what the deal is with her dad, and the whole sex argument in front of him.  Lacey comes back with “Well, at least I’m not out there doing porn!” Mini-Douche: “But you were there doing Bret!” Score one for Mini-Douche!

Sidebar: See, here’s my problem with this cunty slag.  Doing porn is honest work.  1, it;s not as easy as just laying there and fucking.  It’s tedious and a pain in the ass to make porn films.  Most porn stars work long hours for short pay until they get famous...if they ever do.  The thing of it is, they’re not pretending to be something they aren’t.  You can’t pretend to be a sweet, innocent little girl when some steroid monster is stuffing your babytunnel with eleven pounds of throbbing cock.  You are what you are in those circumstances.  Lacey, on the other hand, tries to project different images to different people.  What she is, quite simply, is as much of a whore as anyone who gets fucked for money.  She just doesn’t fuck for actual cash...she fucks for the chance to stay on TV and get famous.

Back to her bullshit.  She claims she felt a bond toward Bret, she was trying to be his friend, and she enjoyed being the catalyst.  Oh Christ...we created a monster, people.  We called her the bitch and now she’s got this idea that she’s Crystal fucking Carrington.  She’s a dimestore whorebag.  In six months people will have to look her up on Wikipedia just to remember her name.

Oh, and she bragged about being with Bret.

- Oh it takes a mawn-tahge...mawn-tahge!  We’re flashing back to Lacey and Dallas’s battle over fur and shit.  Guess what’s next?  Dallas is coming to the stage.  Man, she should be wearing a leather dress. 

Mini-Douche: “Do you really dislike animals?” Token: “I don’t dislike animals.  I dislike Lacey.”

The girls all erupt in cheers and applause.  Token raises the point that Bret eats meat, wears leather, and Red Cuntya interrupts and tries some half-baked apology.  Dallas informs us all that she and Cuntya have seen each other three times without cameras, and Lacey never had anything to say then.  Well duh!  She’s a shallow, publicity hungry whore.  Mini-Douche steps in to get Lacey to her big “bombshell” moment.  She pretends to apologize while saying she got Dallas a gift.  It’s a shirt that says “Dallas loves Michael Vick.”

It bombs alright.  half the fucking country doesn’t even know who Michael Vick is, and half of that half doesn’t know what that shirt is about.  Vick is the football player who kept dogs for pit fighting and brutally slaughtered some of them.  Pretty awful shit, actually.  It;s still a stupid, half-baked Lacey-style move that goes nowhere.

ANIMALS ARE TASTY BECAUSE THEY ARE MADE OF DELICIOUS MEAT.  Fuck off, PETA whore.

Dallas graciously accepts it.  Lacey says she should date Vick.  Lacey, the joke died, Give it a rest.  Dallas: “I don’t date black men.” Uhh...OK.  I bet you;d date a really rich one, Token.  Don’t you even pretend that Michael Jordan couldn’t get those panties off.  Shit, you’d probably date OJ.

- Even Rocky had a mawn-tahge...mawn-tahge!  It’s Brandi M. time.

Sturgess comes to the stage and takes a seat next to Red.  The discussion is about how it was a mistake for BB to confide in Red, and how Red always ran to tell Bret every little thing.  Red defends herself by claiming that she had Douche’s back while all the girls were only helping each other.  I don’t thing she means “back” I think she meant to say “I had Bret’s (cock in my mouth).” It would be a more accurate statement, anyway…

Mini-Douche says it seems like all the other girls seemed like they wanted to be with Bret.  Red says he was pumping his career.  Ricki gets pissed and says that Bret’s doing great, that Poison still sells tens of thousand of tickets, etc., and Big Douche did this for love.  Oh fucking please.  In this case Lacey’s right.  Bret did this to pump interest in his shit-tastic SOLO material.  yes, POISON sells tickets.  Bret Michaels Band (Jesus...that’s so lame) is playing clubs.  Small clubs.  He did this to sell BMB records.

On the other hand this gives BB a chance to slam Red Cuntya’s horrible video that is all over Youtube.  I don’t know if this is the one Sturgess is talking about, but this is the most recent of Lacey’s solo work:

Now, this is her goth-industrial band called Nocturne.  The band kind of rocks in a derivative, Korn-esque way.  She’s fucking awful.

Anyway, they argue about what’s worse, Brandi M’s cocksucking videos or Lacey’s shit-tastic music career.  My vote for worst is Red Cuntya’s entire life, which wouldn’t exist if her daddy wasn’t rich.  No band would take her shit singing talent - and I use that word loosely, as loose as...well..Brandi M’s vagina - unless she was paying for everything.  Lacey’s fucking useless as anything other than an ATM machine and a cum holder.

Mini-Douche asks if anything happened between Douche and Cuntya we didn’t get to see.  Sturgess says that Bret’s being with Lacey turned her off.  Lacey tries to make some childish insult and BB is all “I wasn’t the one sneaking into Bret’s room every night!” Well, we already knew this from Heather, but in case anyone wondered why Red stayed for so long...now we know.  She swallowed her way to the top three.

Sturgess: “I don’t wanna be with him after he slept with you.” You know what?  No one should.  I bet a good portion of Texas has made a deposit at the First National Sperm Bank Of Lacey Conner’s Vagina.  And we’re moving on to Lacey’s “new” song.  She claims to have written it about her experience on the show and that it’s about the ladies of Rock Of Love. 

New?  Really?  Because there’s video of this song being performed in 2005.

Lying fucking cunt.  They cut the performance to go to commercial.

- We’re back.  We’re still dealing with Cuntya.  We get to hear some of what the other “ladies” think about Lacey.  First up is Mia, complaining about the time Red streaked.  She’s all like, “I had a strawberry daiquiri in my hand” and that her first reaction when Lacey displayed her vah-gine was “Oh my God, vagina!” She ends with “Don’t come up to me if it’s not well maintained.” Lacey’s got a sloppy vag!  Gee, there’s a big shock.  I’m surprised the city of Dallas didn’t make her get a hazardous waste tattoo over the god-damned thing.  I’m sure it looks like roast beef wearing a wig and smells like old chicken water.

- And finally, we get to Stripper ShowMyTits and her big blow-up with Red Cuntya.  That’s when you need to put yourself to the test, and show us a passage of time, we’re gonna need a mawn-tahge...mawn-tahge!

In the studio, and ...(strip club voice) Coming to the main stage!  You’ve seen her on VH1’s Rock of Love.  You’ve seen her tatters more times than you care to imagine...she’s a delicious piece of old lady tail, and even at her age, she can shake it till she makes it!  It’s Old Grandma Stripcore herself...please welcome to Teaser’s main stage...HEATHER!

Yeah.  I did strip club DJing a few times back in the DJ days.  Horribly depressing work, I gotta tell you.  ANYWAY...Grandma’s here.  Have they kissed and made up or will Heather drop the truth?

I’ll admit it.  Heather looks a lot better now than she did on the show.

So Lacey tries to apologize but again...she can never just own up to a thing and stop talking.  She fast-apologizes and then tells Heather that the whole thing with Cuntya’s parents was hitting below the belt.  As if going behind Heather’s back and running her down to Brett - about her relationship with her parents - wasn’t below the belt?  Stripper Grandma apologized, flat out.  No equivocations.  See Lacey?  Even the old stripper has more class than you.  Heather (to Lacey): “I don’t think you’re a whore.” yeah, well, you;re wrong, Heather.  She is a whore.  And a cheap one at that.  After the break, Heather and Bret get to talk.

- Back, and a Heather/Bret mawn-tahge is up now.  The best part of Heather’s montage is Jes’ line about Heather’s tattoo: “What kind...of a dumb bitch...gets a guy’s name tattooed on her neck...for her first tattoo...and she not even technically dating him.  This bitch has lost her fucking mind!”

In the studio and Lacey is gone...Heather’s alone on the couch.  Mini-Douche asks about the tattoo...Stripper says she has more now.  “Wanna see my newest one?”

That may not be real, but it should be.  “It’s a fake, it’s a joke.” And we bring out the Douche again.  He hugs Stripper.  Mini-Douche asks if there was a time when they had feelings.  Douche says there were always feelings from day one.  She says that she’s no longer angry, but that Bret hurt her.  Then Douchebag Michaels goes on one of his “philosophy of the douche” tirades and doublespeaks his way into another classically stupid statement.

“...You’re gonna laugh...it was kind of a turn on...but, if, in a sense, if you don’t have, in a good relationship or friendship, if you’re hurt by somebody, if they’re not angry or upset, that’s the first sign that they didn’t give a crap.”

OK, what the fuck?  What he’s trying to say is that passion implies connection.  You can’t get mad at someone you don’t care about, and you can’t be hurt by someone you don’t care about.  But how in the blue fuck does that help Heather deal with the fact that YOU hurt HER?  She already knows she cared about you, dicknose.  She just finished telling you. 

Then they talk about how they want to stay friends but at the time she was hurt and angry and he says some dumb shit.  Rachman mentions that after the break, Bret will be reunited with Jes, and Douche’s face turns to stone:

Ouch.  Commercial!

- Back from the break, and it’s time for another...mawn-tahge!

- I think he’s used the words “Turn on” more than “awesome” this week.  I picked a bad week to count “awesomes” and to stop sniffing glue.

- So Punky is on the stage.  Allegedly it’s the first time she and Douche have been together time since the shooting of the show wrapped.  I wonder if she’ll mention her boyfriend, the Chicago clothing designer?  She hugs Bret hello, but MAN was it an awkward, “Don’t touch me like you know me” kind of a hug.  Jes was pushing away while she was hugging.  It’s not looking good for the whole “Bret found love” angle here, Rachman.  Stop selling it like it’s real, mini-douchebag.

HA!  Jes is wearing her boyfriend’s clothing line shirt.  Oh my god, she’s sitting right in front of Bret advertising her boyfriend’s business.  That’s fucking ballsy.  And kind of great, even if it is a little cheap.

Jes accuses Bret of not holding Heather’s heart with enough care.

Jes: “This whole entire situation was a complete mindfuck for me.” Douche asks her what she means, and she lays it all out. 

When the show was over, she says that Bret drove her to the hotel, didn’t even get out of the car and Big John walked her to her room.  Bret says that they weren’t allowed to be together at all, and he tries to defend himself by saying that just the act of riding to the hotel with her defied the producers.  Like he should get a fucking medal or something?  Jes isn’t buying it.  She tells him that if this was real for him, he made the wrong decision.

Seriously, he actually said that “I think it was ballsy of me to tell them all to go fuck themselves.” But he didn’t!  All he did was ride in the limo and watch her get out of the car.  If he had real balls and he really cared about her, if he *ACTUALLY* fell in love...he’d have marched his ass into the hotel and VH1 be damned.  Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

I have a theory: I think just maybe that Jes really did like Douche, and when he treated their relationship like it was just part of the show, she went home and hopped on the first swingin’ dick that came by.

Jes tells Bret that Heather was the one.  She’s right.  Bret says that he was scared of truly committing to Heather so he picked the safer choice, the one with her guard up.  Jes seems to agree.  Well if that was the motherfucking case why’d he do the motherfucking show?

FOR THE PUBLICITY.  Lacey.  Was.  Right. 

Rachman’s earlier bitchboy defense of his mancrush object was ridiculous.  Bret needs the publicity for his bag of shit solo record and this show will double his Soundscan sales.  Hell, he might even sell a couple of thousand copies of this crap now.  At least enough to pay for a new Bret Michaels Band tattoo.  Nothing says cool like tattooing your own name on your body.  Donna: “In Old E, of course.” HA!

Bret ends the broadcast on a “this is turning me on in a sick way” joke.  Then Heather and Jes get up and hug each other.  One, Douche can’t resist yet another douchebag moment.  “That’s all I wanted, for them to make out.” But then Jes whispers to heather “I don’t give a fuck what America thinks of me, this is the truth.”

You know what?  I think Jes is being real.  I think she did get pissed off about being treated like she was not the woman who Bret wanted to date in his real, but part of a gameshow that allowed him to promote himself during the time when a Poison cover album was being released and he was releasing a solo album.  I think her getting hooked up with some clothing dude in Chicago was rebound, and I think Bret Michaels is a douchebag.

Hey, I feel cheated.  They never talked to Don’t Threaten Me!  That sucks.

And now it’s officially done.  Until next season, no more Rock of Love recaps...aww!  I’ll miss all the douches and cunts and drippy vag jokes.  Well, there’s always a whore on TV somewhere, I’m sure I’ll get to make them again soon.  Paris Hilton must be doing something involving her vagina and pus as we speak.

Posted by JimK at 09:29 PM on October 07, 2007
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