Sun, 09 Sep 2007 20:23:00
Rock Of Love Week 9 - Vegas, Baby, or “In a city of douchebags, the balding rocker is king”
It’s all sorts of time for everyone’s favorite satchel of H2O and wine gone bad - Bret “Douchebag” Michaels! How will the whores handle the whore capital of the world? Like whores. What’d you think they were gonna do, invent time travel or cure cancer? They’re whores!
On with the show.
First off, a glossary of the whores that are left:
Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits, varying forms of Grandma, Old Lady, etc.
Lacey: Red Sonja
Jes: Punky Brewster.
Brandi M. (or BB as they call her): Sturgess. Also a porn queen if you like that sort of in-bred, white trash biker queen look. (NSFW)
- Secondly, a prediction - Sturgess The Cock-Slurping Professional gets the boot, and for saying something nasty about Old Grandma Hardcore (my apologies to the actual Old Grandma Hardcore, who is hardcore for a whole different reason).
- We open with the recap, which is all about Sturgess at first, so my prediction feels right. Then we see Old Stripper and her tat, plus Sam leaving. It was maybe 45 seconds, and 30 seconds of it was about Brandi…
- It’s another glorious day at the Douche Residence, and Red Cuntya has decided that Sturgess is the next to go. Good for you guys. Good for Brandi. Jokes about her profession aside, since I really don’t have anything against sex workers at all, she’s kind of cool and doesn’t deserve to be saddled with this pathetic, needy guy. Either Lacey or Heather deserve every minute of Bret Michaels that they get.
- Big John shows up with another douchey poem. At this point we’re treated to close-ups of the ladies early in the morning. I ask you, given the choice, would you prefer to look at this across the breakfast table?
Or perhaps you’d rather not regurgitate your Eggo and you’d like to look at this instead.
Yeah. Easy choice there. Lacey looks like Michael Vick fought her in a six-round tournament last night - and she lost. Anyway, the poem…
Good morning to my final four
Pack your bags it’s time to tour
I’ve got a gig in the city of sin
but when we get back someone goes home again.
Doesn’t anyone on this show know what meter is?
- Douchey is standing outside a big (free) Gibson-sponsored tour bus. He couldn’t ask for maybe one Poison logo on it? :) It’s pretty stylin’ inside, as these luxury rolling hotels usually are. We’re also treated to Douchebag playing for the ladies, as if to remind them that at one time, he, used to be somebody, be somebody too...but we’re also treated to one of his fucking douchebag confessionals where he smarmily informs us that he needs to “gauge how these girls are gonna deal with the whole rock & roll experience.” Dude? Everyone on that bus except for Jes - and I’m not too sure about her - has fucked dudes further up the list than you. Settle down, champ.
Anyway, they’re going to a live show. I assume a solo show.
- It’s at the Red Rock, whoever owns that place is fucking brilliant. They are on like, every third reality show. The ladies get a kick-ass suite while RockStarMan “has” to run off to soundcheck. Yeah. I’m sure. John lays out the deal: everyone hangs at the show, they all come back to the room for dinner and drinks, then Bret decides who was good enough to keep. The other three have to go. So I predict that Heather gets to swallow some sweaty rock nuts later…
- Sturgess is all “After I get a couple vodka and energy drinks in me.” You really think that’s gonna go well? Cause, like, I don’t. The Whores are plotting against Brandi and Brandi is trying to plot against Heather. Punky is gonna try not to get totally wasted. Red Cuntya says that she and Grandma have a plan.
- So the concert is a total put-on for the reality show...obviously. It’s a “free fan appreciation concert.” In other words, Bret had the sucker that runs his personal fan club email all the other suckers that still pay to be members and told them to come to Vegas for a free show.
- The show starts, and it sucks. There’s a fucking surprise. I think Bret’s “band” is made of people that couldn’t make the cut to be in Pose’in (warning: loud audio). The song is just terrible. It makes me think that Bret really is writing these douche-tastic poems every week.
- Aww...poor Jes. Confessional tells us that she’s “mesmerized” by him. Oh well. She’s young. She’ll grow out of it.
- Douche’s new album is called “Freedom of Sound.” I bet it took over a month to think that up. Some rejected titles:
Holy Fuck, I Really Need CC
I’m A Little Douchebag
And Baby, Pay Attention To Me
Remember Me? I Used To Be In Poison
Can Someone Call Bobby? My Bass Player Sucks.
I suppose “Freedom of Sound” was the best choice, although I’m partial to “Holy Fuck, I Really Need CC.” Then they play “Driven.” I can’t put my finger on it but the song is SUCH a ripoff of two things that are right at the tip of my tongue. Like a rock version of “The Way You Do The Things You Do” and something else...something with a line like “I like the way that you walk” or something like that. Anyway, it sucks. The more I hear, the more it’s just a fucking ripoff of “The Way You Do The Things You Do” in structure and even melody. You can actually sing “The Way You Do The Things You Do” right over the top of the song. Fucking. Pathetic. Of course, we get the treat of “Every Rose.” FUCK YOU, BRET MICHAELS. You are making me hate Poison. You are making me hate myself. Because I was a big fan. Douche Michaels is going to drive me to anti-depressants.
- Heather can’t want to get backstage and
lick the sweat off his nuts give him kisses. The ladies proceed to get totally trashed before dinner. Jes: “They just started grabbing bottles and...chugging.” The band members are goading them into over-drinking. Lacey is trying to keep up. Oh Jesus...these cliches are drinking Jager. Could they be bigger cliches?
Sturgess: “So I’m chugging and I’m chugging and I’m chugging, and I’m so fucking wasted.” Not real bright either...Also, Grandma is staying a bit out of it just like Jes.
- Band leaves. Red Cuntya is on the floor. Literally. Commercial.
- Back, and we’re treated to even more sloppy slutdrunk ridiculousness from Red Cuntya. Red and Sturgess are getting into some weird kind of drunkfight, and then Cuntya pours booze over Brandi’s head. She’s as drunk as I have ever seen a person who could still talk. It’s about to go off. Lacey is pushing really hard, “defending” Heather against some imagined slight from Brandi. John comes in and is yelling at Red Cuntya...it’s great. “Lacey shut the fuck up and let’s go.” As drunk as she is, she kowtows to him like he’s her daddy. Lacey’s being half-carried upstairs by John. Off to see Bret!
- As we go, Sturgess drop a bomb on Grandma ShowMyTits:
Brandi: “She threw you under the bus earlier.”
Heather: “Whatever. What the fuck did you say? Tell me right to my...”
Brandi: “You think I’m lying?”
heather: “No, tell me what the fuck she said.”
Brandi: “She was like, I don’t give a fuck what I have to do, I am going to fucking get him. Fuck every bitch.”
Stripper Grandma ain’t happy.
- Up in the suite (I assume), and Red Cuntya is on the bar, yelling at the bartender not to give “the fake bitches nothin’.” It’s...just...a spectacle. Bret Michaels is a douchebag, sure, but he’s not gonna put up with this shit. Jes is about to throw down..."Get off. The bar.” “Or what?” “You have no respect or class for Bret’s hotel room.” Punky, she has no respect or class for anything, ever. She’s a bitch, a cunt, a prime example of a horrible person.
The fight goes on. “Or what...or what...” She falls into the bartender as she called Heather a bitch. And at that exact moment, Douchey walks in.
- The ladies are escorted to the dinner table. The drunk bitches cannot shut the hell up. Douche is trying to get control. At the same time, Jes is trying to calm Lacey down...why I don’t know, but she;s showing some decency here. “Lacey, stop. You’re in Bret’s house now, stop disrespecting him. please stop.” She’s actually trying to say it aside, under her breath...I really don’t think it’s a play for the camera or Bret. She’s really trying to get Lacey to knock it off.
It’s easier to her wet cats in an electrified room than it is to get a drunk person to shut up. This doesn’t work at all.
- Bret’s pissed. He tells everyone to shut up. Red Cuntya has some kind of break with reality. She’s so drunk that she throws up at Jes’ feet. Jes, against all that is smart for her on this show, fucking helps the cunt! I’d have let her choke on her own vomit. Or at least rubbed her face in it or something. They take her to a bedroom. Bret: “I can say that clearly, Lacey can’t handle this lifestyle and everything that goes with it.” Ya think? Welcome to the real Lacey, Bret. You dumb fuck.
You know what Lacey is? She’s a lion cub trying to eat a whole gazelle. Red, you ain’t good enough. Period.
- Back at dinner, Heather is trying to get Brandi to eat oysters. It’s literally making Sturgess want to puke. Grandma slurps down the slimy messes like...well...to be honest I just got a little confused.
See, Brandi is a self-professed blow job queen, as well as a professional cocksucker. I’ve never had oysters or jizz in my mouth, but you can’t tell me oysters are worse than a hot load of man yogurt. I don’t get it. You’d think she’d be knockin’ em back like Jello shots.
Oh my god....she pukes in her mouth behind a napkin while at the table. and a little bit spurts out the top. Oh that was classic. Commercial.
- Back...and Jes is taking care of Brandi now. You know what sucks? Heather is gonna get this shit on lockdown, and Douchebag isn’t even going to notice that it’s in Jes’ nature to help without thinking first...because he’s a shallow douchebag.
Yeah, I know, I should be more creative in how I insult him, but for fuck’s sake, what else can you say? That his depth could be measured in microns? That he’s about as intelligent as lichen? What would be the point? The douche overrides it all.
- Damn...Sturgess just drunkenly professed her love for Douche. “As I was pulling Brandi’s head out of the toilet, from her puking, she turned to me and said something that’s probably one of the most touching moments of my life...” Jesus H. Macy...what a fucking douchebag.
- “Dinner is like the Titanic. It is unsalvagable.” He then decides - against everything I believed to be true about His Douchiness - that he should reward Punky for being caring and looking out for these bitches all night. I’m stunned that he noticed. Old Stripper Grandma can’t figure it why Bret would pick Punky...and I doubt anyone watching is surprised that she doesn’t get it.
Uhh...one weird thing is that Heather ate everything in sight and took everyone’s leftovers too. I guess you gotta keep your energy up on the poles, eh?
- Back to Douche and Jes, hanging out on a balcony. I feel so bad for this kid. I want to climb through the TV and cast a spell of protection over her with +25 Anti-Douche. DickBag McDoucherack is all “We got to learn each other...inside and out.” OH NO! Did he fuck her? Aww that’s nasty! Poor Jes. I hope she douches with anti-bacterial hand gel.
- The next day. The drunken ladies are out of it. Brandi’s saying that Bret is not for her...and they cut it with her saying that she loves him from last night. So maybe this is what will get her eliminated and not anything nasty about Bret’s true love, Stripper Dumbass Grandma Old Chick. Grandma is all “I know he is it. I’ve known that for awhile now.” And you deserve him, honey. Mazeltov!
- Back at the temporary Castle Douche and it looks like Punky spent the night being the sheath to Douchebag’s Excalibur. Fucking gross. Her confessional confirms it. She’s closer to him “physically” and “sexually.” Now *I* want to vomit. He sends Punky back to LA and he’s gonna spend time with the rest of the whores.
- Here comes a poem from Douche.
Mornin’ my ragin ladies
you really tore it up last night
so today I set up something awesome
to get you feelin’ right.
Is it three plane tickets back to Chicago and the promise that you’ll never talk to them again? Because that’s the only gift I can think of that could help them...that and a lifetime prescription for Valtrex.
- They meet Bret by the pool. It’s a spa day. Grandma and Bret go get hot stone rubdowns together. Stripper ShowMyTits is laying out her “heart” (such as it is) to him, shit about merging their lives, and his reply is “We have a lot of good times ahead...and a lot of good food we haven’t eaten yet.” Wow. He’s a comedian too? He’s the Michael Richards of Rock & Roll...way to say something inappropriate at the wrong moment, dude.
Stripper decides not to tell Bret what Sturgess said. “I’ll let Lacey do it.” While Sturgess is in the room with Bret, Stripper is totally feeding Red Cuntya all this shit about Brandi to fire her up to tell Douche all about everything. Nicely played, Grandma. Meanwhile, Bret clearly knows something is up with Brandi...I think the producers fed him the video...he’s leading her, and not being very fucking subtle about it. She’s not saying a word about what she said to the other girls...instead she tries to flip the script and is all “I wonder if I’m good enough for you...” Horse. Shit. Say it...say “Bret Michaels is not the one for me,” shake his hand and go back to amateurfacials.com.
Confessional: “What I said this morning about Bret not being the one was not what I meant.” Bulllllllllll-shit, sister. It was exactly what you meant, you just don’t want to leave this paying gig yet.
- As douche walks Sturgess out they meet Grandma and Cunty, who immediately start to call Brandi out. “Did you talk to him about what you said you were gonna talk to him about?” Brandi lies and says yes. Bad move. It might not backfire this week, but if Lacey can convince him that you lied...he’ll remember. And Red is certainly gonna try. She lays it all out for Douche, and he’s like “That’s the opposite of what she said.” Heh...somehow this results in Douche saying to her “You are a little...malicious, and I need to watch you more.” Could it be? Could he be seeing her for what she really is? A crazy, evil bag of talentless shit? Commercial.
- Aaaannnnnd we’re back. Douche is sending one back to LA and keeping two in Vegas. He sends Red Cuntya and Stripper up to rooms and is going to send Sturgess back to LA. Confessional from Cuntyflap McCunterson: “I’m starting to feel a little bit worried about what might be going on in Bret’s mind about me...I don’t want Bret to think that I’m crazy, because I’m not.” If you have to keep telling everyone you aren’t crazy, odds are - to quote another rock madman, you’re fucking crazy, oh child.
- Big John takes the remaining two ladies to see Douche. Again, Snatchface Cuntbagerson is trying to convince us that she’s not crazy in her confessional. Obsessed much?
- Douchey meets them by the pool with a rose each. Hey. That’s The Bachelor’s move, dick. DOUCHEMOVE COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!
- They sit down to dinner. He starts asking them questions. “Why do you think we would work?” Heather gives a fairly thoughtful answer about having matching souls, etc. Lacey’s thrilled. Then, because he has to keep slipping in references to his fame and shit, he tells Stripper Grandma that “Every Rose” is about a stripper that broke his heart, so she makes him nervous, blah blah blah.
FUCKING HELL. “Every Rose” is about a god-damned stripper? is there any fucking part of being a Poison fan that this ass isn’t out to ruin for me?
Anyway, Douche then says maybe the douchiest piece of douche philosophy he’s ever uttered on this show…
“Here’s the thing with Heather. And I call it ‘pole emotions,’ right? And by ‘pole emotions’ I mean can I get her off of that pole and get her onto my pole. It’s a big, big thought goin’ through my mind right now.”
And it’s also a very lonely thought, you complete fucking douchebag. I’m starting to feel bad for Heather, even though she’s half a cunt too. She’s saying all this emotional shit, staring deep into his eyes, and he’s just trying to figure out how he can hit some strange while keeping her from doing the same.
Heather: “I know he got his heart broke from a dancer, but that was like, 20 years ago. It’s like, get over it.”
- Red Cuntya cuts off the conversation to try to direct it toward herself. Uh-oh! The alliance may be crumbling. She’s pitching for a solo date, and Heather’s like “But we have the best bond.” Which is probably true. Red asks Bret if he sees them together. He responds with some shit about her manipulativeness, and she goes right the hell off on a left turn about her mom dying, and here come the tears. Jesus...it’s so blatantly manipulating right now it’s almost sad to watch...if I weren’t laughing so much.
That’s right, I’m laughing about her dead mother, and she deserves it. The best part is Heather tried to step in and say “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it.” Instead of listening, Lacey gets a little louder and repeats herself, just in case Bret missed the first performance.
Let me tell you, he swallows it hook, line and sinker. “This is the kind of stuff, so we don’t fool ourselves.” What the effin eff? She’s fah-fah-foolin your dumb ass right fucking now! Jesus. That’s some impressive shit right there. Maybe her pussy sweats special Bret pheromones or something. She gets the solo date. He sends Heather packin’ and Heather says the alliance is over.
- Back at the temporary Douche Castle, Cunty and Douche seem to be chatting away, but not in any way that feels like a romantic connection at all. She’s selling herself like an old salesman begging for the Glengarry leads. Fuck you, Cunty. Douching is for closers.
- Oh fuck. There’s a trail of rose petals leading to the bed. Could he be a bigger douche? The curtain closes and we fade out to an external shot of the hotel. You know what? I kind of hope he fucked her in the pooper and took pictures. I mean, I am sure he probably porked Jes too, and that makes me sad, but I kind of hope he just used Lacey’s rectum as a jizz sock without stretching it first. I can’t think of a nicer girl to have it happen to her.
- Next day. Same scene at the door just like with Jes. Christ. So slimy. As she walks away...I swear I see a bit of an awkwardness to the walk. Here’s to hoping she needed a tampon up the backside.
- Back to the LA house for elimination. Commercial.
- Elimination time. Jes isn’t worried. Brandi is pretending like she cares. Lacey is talking only about the other girls. Heather is nervous. Douche is dressed like a normal human...bandanna excluded of course.
- First pass goes to Jes. He feels a lot closer to her now. Like, internally. Next is Lacey, and he claims he really likes her a lot. What a moron. Down to Heather and Brandi. He’s giving Heather a speech about how they have to figure out why she’s really here. Then he tells Brandi that her drunken “I love you” really sold him. That’s completely backwards. Bret Michaels is a stupid douchebag. He’s got these two girls mixed up. It’s Heather who actually seems to give two shits...even if it is just her ticket out of the clubs, she;s willing to totally throw herself into being his. brandi could give a flying fuck one way or the other.
Heather just flat out starts telling Bret that Brandi lied. I think this is the first time they’ve spoken back at him (from the little elimination stage) during eliminations...Brandi defends herself, admits to saying she didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, but still doesn’t fully admit to what she said, which was “Bret Michaels is not for me.” Douche asks Sturgess “Do you want to stay in this house, with me?” She actually says she can’t let her guard down...Brandi just threw in the towel! Douchebag is stunned. He’s also fucking pissed…
“Here’s what really, really fucking pisses me off...you could’ve told me this a long time ago.”
Hey, where’s John? He’s not in the shot. Here’s why I ask...I think Bret was about to eliminate Heather. I think John was holding Brandi’s pass. He has to either go get Heather’s pass or have it handed to him…
I am positive that Bret was gonna dump the girl that got his freaking name tattooed on her neck. Let me get this straight. He’s livid at Brandi for not telling him she wasn’t into him earlier...but he let Stripper Grandma get his name tattooed on her neck when he’s not sure he’s into her? Maybe a “Hey, before you permanently ink my name on the back of your neck, I’m not entirely sure I want to marry a stripper” would have been fucking appropriate? Maybe?
Selfish...just a selfish douche. Makes what he did at the tattoo parlor even MORE douchey. The worst part is, it’s not out of malice. It’s because he’s so fucking self-involved that he can’t see past himself at all.
Anyway, as Brandi hugs Bret goodbye, John follows her out and slips whatever he’s carrying into his pocket as he walks up the stairs. Because he doesn’t have Heather’s pass!
- The camera follows John following Brandi all the way to the door. Then a cut and he’s miraculously back at Bret’s side with a pass pressed to his chest. I’m tellin’ you, Bret was gonna eliminate Heather. That’s *fucked* up! Of course, it’s kind of funny too...eventually he giver Heather her pass like that was always the plan. Too funny. They toast, and we’re out. Well, except for one thing:
“Bret’s Brew?” Oh my god...so corny. Looks like some stickers over cans of MGD. Nothin’ but the best!
- Scenes from the next: We meet the parents of the girls that are left. Shit hits the fan and the ladies and the parents go nuts...and Bret is praying for Big John? Heather apparently throws it down with Red in front of her dad. Sweet! So much drama. So little depth!
Posted by JimK at 08:23 PM on September 09, 2007
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