Sun, 16 Mar 2008 23:33:00
Rock Of Love 2 wk 8 - Video Vixens, or “How can I further exploit Daisy and Megan’s fine ass(ets)?”
OK, before we get started...yes, this is Daisy’s MySpace, and yes she’s Oscar De La Hoya’s niece. Her MySpace is - like every other semi-pro whore on there - full of pix.
Next, here’s Bret’s official YouTube channel for the BMB. OhMiGawdItMakesMeWannaDie. Thanks to mgnmfrc1 for the link.
Last thing before we whore it up. I just wanted to address the comment from maltamight in the last Rock Of Love recap post.
This show isn’t real. it’s a complete setup. Bret Michael’s lives about 3 streets over from me in a suburb of Phoenix Arizona. He is happily married and does the show purely for the money.
Now, I don’t doubt for a New York minute that this is a possibility. I’m quite sure that at the very best, Bret does the show for money and doesn’t give a flying toss about any one of these women. I am also convinced that he’s banging most if not all of them simultaneously.
Here’s what I know to be true; Right before the start of the first season’s tapings, Bret had a baby girl, named Jorja Bleu, with his long-time girlfriend, Kristi Lynn Gibson (who is also the mother of his other daughter, Raine Elizabeth). The rumor was life was good for them and they were considering marriage. Another rumor floated that they were in fact married and were hiding it. Not a whit of confirmation to that part of it. All we know for sure is that he was dating her for a long time, things were good and they just had a baby. Then Rock Of Love was announced, and those of us who know people who know people were like “WTF?” It came out of the blue, and there was a lot of talk that either the relationship imploded (as it often has, he started dating her before he was dating Pam Anderson back in the day) or that they were still together and the show was just for the cash.
They did, or maybe still do, live in Scottsdale, AZ. Apparently somewhere near or maybe *in* the DC Ranch community.
So, is he still married/living with Kristy Gibson? I don’t know. Probably. I mean, she’s “the one.” He’ll never be free of her, she’s been the muse for countless songs, she was in his absolutely horrible movie “A Letter From Death Row,” she’s been on a BMB album cover...and of course she’s the freaking mother of his children.
I will say this: I believe it. Or rather, I wouldn’t put it past him at all. One way or the other, broken up with Kristy Lynn or not, this show is a total put on, and Bret Michaels is a douche bag. Bearing that in mind, let’s go down the rabbit hole anyway and pretend these are real people. Time for whores!
Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay. She
doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase. Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads. Because she’s dumb. Really, really dumb. However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms. Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead. Because it’s enormous.
Daisy - Muppetface. As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.
- I promise, more funny less angry this week.
- We start with a recap: Talent show, the blowup gangbang on KayJay with a special focus on Hombre’s betrayal.
- Prediction: KayJay is so fucking out of here tonight. Donna sealed the prediction with this: “Next week he goes to meet their exes, and you can’t do that with Kristy Joe.” Yeah, that’s true. All her exes are mental, or she has restraining orders, or like, she’s still married to them. “Bret, this is my husband Tiny, he’s currently out on bail. This is Rocko, he’s missing an ear from a barfight so you’ll have to speak up, and the one standing across the street is Mickey, he can’t come over here to say hello due to the restraining order, but I brought you this megaphone so you can yell shit at him.”
Oh man, that would be such awesome television. It’s gonna suck when she gets eliminated.
- Morning in Whoreville, and the ladies are working out. Basically they stuffed a bunch of gym equipment into a bedroom. I imagine at this stage it smells like a combination of Whoopie Goldberg after a marathon and my cat’s ass when she gets scared. I pity the poor intern that has to sanitize the bike seat.
- Everyone’s all torqued out over the big blowup. KayJay decides to call hubby number 2 and “deal with it.”
I’m confused, and I’m not the only one. She’s babbling about things “coming up” in a fairly non-sensical manner, and hubby says “So are we going through with the divorce?” Err...was it an option to not go through with it? If Bret dumped her was she gonna run home to Restraining Order Man and throw herself on his
“I haven’t talked to you in weeks, and the first call I get from you is telling me you want to divorce me.” Wow. She kept him hanging on just in case. Pussy is some powerful shit, people.
Oh, and this kinda means she is exactly the bitch they’ve all been accusing her of being. Doesn’t mean that the show isn’t using her obvious emotional issues against her and manipulating shit, but it’s hard to feel sorry for her when you see a segment like that.
- Douche never disappoints, I swear.
I don’t know what part is more laughable! Is it the guyliner/mandanna combo in the douche-fessional, they “Look, I have a giant cock car” driving or the really, really bad “humor” on display? Six of one, half dozen of the other I suppose.
- Big John calls everyone in. BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: No bandanna, slicked-back hair, no guyliner. It’s almost a normal look. The lyricnotepoemcrap starts with naming them the Sexy Six, which is so freaking original...he tells them to use his lyrics as a guide.
KayJay wants to talk to Douche, but he;s out cruising in his penismobile, with the top down and a mandanna firmly affixed. I KNOW YOU HAVE A FERARRI, BRET. Just wanted to make it clear that I know.
So KayJay getting cry-y and drama’d up that she can’t find him. Enter Actress Number Two from stage left. Hombre/KayJay confro, y’all.
- Hombre is trying to tell her to keep it together, and KayJay told her about the hubby call. “You did that on the phone?” Yep. She did. “I guess I’m surprised because I thought you already did it.” Yep. me too. I assume everyone thought that, since KayJay really, really sold that idea...although she never actually *stated* it. Hombre asks if KayJay is now open to Bret since she “released” her husband. The answer is yes. And KayJay wants to tell him but she can’t find him.
Hombre to KayJay: “No fucking wonder Bret doesn’t trust you.” Yeah. That. Commercial.
- Back. Another Big John gathering of the ladies for the Douche. Awesome-ometer; 1. Today is “Shoot a video for my shit-tastic solo music and argue a lot while you do it but we’re shooting it in high def just in case one of you looks super hot, that way I can use the raw footage later to add to the real video for whatever horrible song I got VH1 to agree to air as part of the package for me doing this show again, ever though all this young pussy is kind of awesome and payment enough. I’m Bret Michaels and I approve this douchery.” day.
- The two songs they have to make videos for “Go That Far” and “Fallen.”
Dude! Johnny Reznik called and wants his hair back. Dean, if you don’t know, is one of the better music directors out there. Manson’s “Sweet Dreams” cover is a fucked-up video, and no matter how you feel about Manson or the cover, that vid stays with you. He also did a bunch of other good videos. Not sure why he’s doing this show, but VH1 gets everyone in the end.
- Two teams. Each team gets a creative director who gets the solo date tonight, and the other two get an “awesome” date with Douche. Awesome-ometer; 2. Hombre wants to direct. 3 hours to do it. Team 1; Fivehead, Superworms and Muppetface, Team 2 is KayJay, Hombre and Chazz.
- Hombre leads her team, but Daisy gave it up to Destiney...odd. Why would she be so excited about this and obviously want a solo date so badly, but let Superworms take the reigns? Oh wait...so they can have some infighting and bitchiness after KayJay leaves...this is setting up Destiney Hates Daisy.
- Team 1 gets to do “Go That Far”
Oh. My. God. He just re-used the Rock of Love theme. Or re-used this song for the RoL theme. Why would he make it so obvious and use it in the show? It just comes off as SO fucking lame.
- Team 2 gets “Fallen.”
One day rockers are going to have to realize that Home Sweet Home was the absolute pinnacle of “We’re on the road and touring sucks” songs and videos. IT’S OVER. YOU WON’T EVER DO IT THAT GOOD AGAIN. before that Bob Seger owned the title with the live version of “Turn The Page.” Crue came in and took that shit. They own it now, it belongs to them. Stop trying.
We don’t fucking care how hard it is on the road, gentlemen. If it’s so fucking hard, stay home and have sex with your insanely hot wives and/or girlfriends, drive your insanely expensive cars and eat at insanely expensive restaurants. Just stop fucking whining about it already.
- Apparently Destiney has “done music videos” before according to Fivehead. Nothing I can find under either of her names (Destiney Moore or Destiney Sue Walker) but she has been in a couple of films, most recently ”Georgia Rule.”
- Montage of the process. Oh shock and surprise, Muppetface and Superworms are clashing.
Jesus, she really looks like Janice from the Muppet Show.
- Meanwhile, Hombre has KayJay crying and laying in bed for the video. Chazz-fessional: “That’s the same thing she does every day.” Hey, work with what you know.
- Cut to Daisy running the camera. Nice outfit. Conducive to being a camera operator. ;) Also note Dean’s attentiveness. It looks like one of those scenes where the guy is trying to teach the girl to play pool in a cheesy porno, or nighttime soap. Also, the record button confused her.
- Hombre is taking this seriously and since the other tards are monopolizing Dean, Hombre decides she doesn’t need his help. Hoo boy. That might backfire.
Hombre; “Oh my God I can’t think of a more beautiful shot that that.” Very next shot:
Yeah. I can’t help but think that you gotta think like Bret, not like a woman, or just someone with taste and sense. Maybe the running down the stairs is nice, but hot chick slapping her big fake titties on a pole gets Bret’s attention every time.
- Montage of editing. Dean never really went to the other team until the last 30 minutes. Someone got their dick sucked is all I’m saying.
- Heh. The computer that had Team 2’s clips in it crashed. While it seems stupid to actually say this...that’s not really fair, is it? Poor them.
But...but...Macs don’t crash! This is clearly special effects.
- Back and we’re in a tizzy! Oh my the system is down! The system is down, yo! Hombre: “This is so not fair.” STAR WIPE TO; Muppetface running shit on her side while Superworms glares daggers into her skull. CROSSFADE TO: Hombre praying while the Mac startup sound chimes away. It’s back. BOTTOM WIPE TO: Team 1 all talking over each other.
- Time is called. Time to watch the videos. We get to see the video for “Fallen” first.
It’s...uhh...well, I suppose it’s OK. A little art school, but hey, Oliver Stone has made a hell of a career out of mixed film stock and hacky editing.
- Up next, the other one, with the strippers and whores and stuff. The video for “Go That Far” in all it’s glory:
Holy shit. The song is so so SO SO FUCKING AWFUL! It;s so bad. I want to sell my computers and my TV and the TiVos and everything that has a power cord, and from now on I want to live in Tibet and wear a sack and pray, and eat bugs. Shit, I’ll even gladly accept death at the hands of the Chinese military just so that I can be assured that never, EVER in my life will I accidentally hear, see or in any way be exposed to the “art” of Bret Douchebag Michaels.
Someone help me. How do I sell everything I own on craigslist?
- Also...and look, I know that this is a repetition to the nth degree, but for the love of Christ, look at this:
THAT IS TOO MUCH EYELINER FOR ANY HUMAN BEING. So I thought it would be funny to make some kind of joke about how the only person to ever wear that much eyeliner was Adam Ant, only Bret is wearing more than Adam in any old pic I could find.
So there goes my joke. Now it’s just a sad commentary on, you know...Bret’s face.
Hombre-fessional” “...boobies everywhere. They’re so gonna win.” Nuh-uh...he’s picking yours. Douche claims he got it...but the truth is we need one more date with KayJay before her dramatic-yet-fine ass gets the boot. “Fallen” gets the nod. Hombre gets a solo date. BECAUSE REMEMBER SHE WAS ALMOST ELIMINATED.
- Superworm-fessional “I’m sad...I’m just...sad.” yes, you are. Oh you meant because KayJay won a date! Sorry. I thought you meant your face. I know it’s making me sad.
- Oh snapple. Superworms goes apeshit on KayJay. Poor loser. If you’d like to call her and tell her what a bratty little shit she is, you can find her voicemail number if you look.
By the way...age range 18-35? My ass she can play 18. She couldn’t play 18 on Beverly Hills 90210, and that show had a 72 year old woman playing a high school kid. If she can play 18, I can play anorexic.
- Muppetface starts sobbing over KayJay winning as well. Aww. I did laugh when Muppetface confessionaled her nickname for KayJay; “Krappy Joe.” That’s good shit right there.
- Time for Hombre’s date. Douche-fessional: “We’re going to go far, far away. To my bedroom. Convenient. (super smug doucheyface)
WHAT A DICK.
DOUBLE AWESOME! The rarely heard double awesome is quite a sighting. It’s not often that a douchebag of such equisite breeding can be seen in the wild, and it’s even more rare to be honored enough to hear the double awesome mating cry of the Middle-aged Spotted Mandanna D-Bag.
- Oh my God. or in this case, gods. He brought a swami/guru/dress-wearing buddhabag to help him learn about Hombre’s soul.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Oh for fucking fuck’s sake.
- Satish says Bret and Ambre have known each other since the 12 century. OK. I can believe that. Bret might be that old.
- Cut to: KayJay getting tweaked that she can’t talk to Bret. CUE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR, SOMEONE TELL KRISTY JOE IT’S TIME FOR HER SCHEDULED MELTDOWN! She stalks toward the bedroom. This is such a bad idea, Drama-ass! [sassy black woman]Don’t do it, girl![/sassy black woman]
- Cut to the date, Douche is delivering some line about how he wants to be only in this moment, and the guru says “I don’t think God is an accountant.” What thee fuck? Are you sure? because I was raised Catholic, and they really made it seem like someone was up there counting. if that’s true, and God isn’t an accountant, what the fuck did I say all those Hail Marys for?
- Knock on the door.
Douche-fessional: “Unless this is God...or Big John with a beer, I best not be interrupted right now.” Yeah, well, it’s the Los Angeles Greater Metropolitan Area Amateur Dramatics Society, sorry. Nothing here but the LAGMAADS, brother. Not God, not Big John with a beer, just Kristy Joe and eleventy three mountains of baggage and bullshit.
Oooh! Here’s an idea: Make the guru straighten her ass out! Get him to tell her a big fat pile of nonsense in a soothing voice! He could tell her that the spirit of God is like a car wash, but no one is going to chamois your car for you...unless you ask for the hot wax, then it comes complimentary. She’s so stupid she’ll fall for all of it! She might think that the car refers to her vagina, though...but at least she’ll wax it, and we all win then. Every time a vagina gets waxed, God creates a kitten.
- We’re back. When we last broke, KayJay was knocking at the door and Douche was answering. He tries to put her off. “Go up to your room, because I’m going to do something really beautiful for you...” You know, he uses that line all the time, that he’s going to “do something beautiful” for women.
Does that shit work?
“Baby, I’m going to do something beautiful for you. That’s right...loosen up...here, use this lube. No, it’s beautiful, I promise. You did use that enema I bought you, right?”
- Yep. He’s siccing the swami on the psycho. Heh. So the swami tells her he does “chakra work.” Oh for fuck’s sake. “Have you ever seen a sad tree? Have you seen a frustrated ocean? have you seen a crazy mountain?” NO, DIPSHIT, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS AREN’T SENTIENT, YOU NEW AGE - OLD AGE DOUCHERAG.
“Did you know that the whole existence is celebrating?”
Oh. Well fuck me. Do you have existence’s cell number, dude? I totally want to buy it a beer.
- Cut to Douche and Hombre cuddling in an awfully camera-friendly manner. Douche-fessional that she’s the best kisser in the house and that he’s feeling emotionally connected. Next line out of his mouth is that he wants to make a porno.
NNnNNnNNnNOOoOOOOoOoOooOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111oneoneeleven! The last time he made a porno, he wore a weird goth wig, stared at himself the whole time and I think, if memory serves, never removed his hat.
For the love of all that is reality television, DO NOT LET THIS MAN FILM HIMSELF HAVING SEX. The universe cannot support that much self-absorbed introspection. It will implode.
- Cut to: Douche calling KayJay down to his room. Fives, Daisy and Worms are on the stairs all worked up. So Douche and Kay are talking...and she tells him she started the process of divorce. BINGO...Bret picks up that she very strongly implied, if not stated, that was already in progress. DING DING DING...we have our reason for elimination, folks. She’s outta here like good fashion sense, bitches. Fives, Daisy and Worms are still on the stairs, but Jessica is now sobbing uncontrollably. What the effff? Fivehead actually gives a shit? But...why? I’m confused. Maybe I need a swami to tell me about moons and how feathers don’t like Chaplin movies.
- Cut to...Big John enters the...umm...living room? I like to think of it as the “Every African Animalskin Print Ever” room. Anyway, BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Mandanna, all black, light guyliner. Ever-so-slight gay bear vibe. He drops a note for the double date. Wait, is this the whole next day? How’d we get here so fast?
Also, Kristy Joe may be nuts, but the kid can dress.
Well, half dress anyway.
- Date time. He’s taking them to the Shade Hotel. It seems to be an overpriced no-tell motel.
Dinner and making out, then Chazz mounts Brett. I mean like a fucking pony.
KayJay just leaves. Chazz wants to slow his roll and talk to him for a second. Chazz: “Don’t look away.” Douche: “I’m not looking away, I’m looking at your tits.” CLASSY! All class and charm, this one. Then he makes out with Chazz while KayJay waits inside.
*sigh* She’s so off this show. Awesome-ometer; 7
- He goes in to find KayJay, then takes her outside alone. She has this weird tendency to play like a thirteen year old when she’s “flirting.” By wich I mean she hits, and insults lightly and stuff. It’s retarded. But she’s hot, so dudes put up with it. Chazz comes back and cuts ithe whole thing off. Back to the house. KayJay fails at life. Say goodbye to Hollywood. Say goodbye my baby.
Still. Let’s take one last look at her in that top:
We’ll miss you, kid. or them, at least.
- Back at the house. Time for Bret to prep for elimination time. Cut to; HOMBRE AND KAYJAY FIGHT TO THE DEATH, SCENE 1 TAKE 1.
Uhh, can we get makeup in here to take five to seven years off her please?
She basically tells KayJay to fuck off. Commercial. almost done!
- We’re back. The usual clips of which girl is worried, Douche telling us this is hard, etc. He’s carrying a gift box of some kind. Bret douche-fessionals that he has a heartfelt connection to each of them...except in the segment earlier he just told us he doesn’t have a real connection to Chazz yet.
[rollins]CUZ YOU’RE A LIAR, LIAR[/rollins]
- And we begin. First pass goes to someone who is “mostly sane” and who he has known since the 12th century. Hombre gets a pass. Douche-fessional about how he wants to know if they are gonna have sex after all these years. sigh Also, her halter top/bra/hippy skirt outfit looks like she might have gotten dressed in the dark.
- Next pass goes to: Muppetface. She wants to stay with him forever. Fivehead gets a pass. He does that “will you stay in this house, possibly wearing _____” line again, which means he doesn’t actually like her at all. He’s only ever said that to women he eliminates. It;s a line designed to flatter them and make them think that he thinks more of them than he really does.
- Up next we get a pass for Destiney. Chazz is worried. Dunno why, she read the script. One pass left. Kristy Joe and Megan. Oh KayJay is so the fuck out of this house. He calls her down and starts giving her a speech about how they have a roller coaster relation ship and she’s tried to leave him “more times than my relationship of eight years” which is weird, because he has to be talking about Kristy Lynn. And........commercial.
- Back. They keep hinting that KayJay is staying. Picking it up from the “There’s just one thing I need to know from you.” He asks her if she’ll stay. Big pause. She says no! Wow. Dude.
Chazz-fessional: “I can’t believe that Bret is gonna leave the decision on if I stay or go in Kristy Joe’s hands.” That’s because you are meat, sweetie. Nothing but a warm hole. he doesn’t give a shit about you, so remember that next week when you are “fighting” for him. He picked crazy girl over you.
- So KayJay is hemming and hawing and talking about her shit she needs to deal with. JUST GO. Seriously this is stupid. I can’t believe this is the way they chose to get her out of here. This is lame. She bails though, and Bret swears he intended to keep her. Nonsense. Not sure why they wrote it like this.
- Douche confessionals that this is the wrong place and the wrong time, but maybe in the future they will find each other again. Didn’t he say that exact same thing about Heather last year?
Oh, and KayJay says she had to go home and take care of her business, they were in love, he could have been the one. Whatever.
- Now, here’s more of that Bret Michaels class. He tells her how he understands, all that shit. he confessionals it too. As he breaks the hug with KayJay and walks back inside, he casually and carelessly throws her pass on the ground.
That guy is such an asshole.
- Back in the room, and it’s time to give Chazz her consolation prize! You win a pass by default! Aren’t you thrilled!?!? He asks Megan to stay, and he was all devastated by KayJay leaving so he just walks out. No beers? OH MY GOD NO BEERS!
- Megan says she’s just gonna move on and concentrate on her and Bret. Fuck, she is a dumb one, ain’t she?
Scenes from the next; The exes. And Heather. Uhh...odd. She’s equated to their exes. Interesting. Stripper ShowMyTits has everyone getting hammered and naked, so yeah...same old Heather!
Umm. Holy fuck. Daisy’s ex:
Wow. He looks like Glen Danzig and Nikki Sixx had a baby, and Pete Wentz was it’s nanny. No wonder she loves Bret. Some drama develops. So that will be a thing.
See you next week!
Posted by JimK at 11:33 PM on March 16, 2008
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Categories: Television, Rock Of Love, Rock Of Love 2
Tags: TV, Hair Metal, Bret Michaels, 80s, Poison, Reality, Rock Of Love, VH1
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