Mon, 07 Apr 2008 23:20:00
Rock Of Love 2 wk. 11 - Rockin’ the Rents or “How many people can I impress with my wig?”
We’re getting down to the wire here. Three “ladies” left, one pass to Douchebag Michaels’ heart. Will it be the collagen-enhanced dead worms on Destiney’s face that he kisses each night? Or would he rather snuggle up next to a middle-aged actress and go with Ambre? Perhaps he would rather fuck a muppet and pick Daisy? Only one way to find out...time for Rock of Love again.*
*Sorry it’s a day late. Needed time to do all the screencaps and whatnot
The ladies that remain, and what we will forever remember them as:
Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms. Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Daisy - Muppetface. As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.
- Prediction: Destiney is so out of here. Like that’s such a limb on which to go out, right? Still, she’s gone.
- The recap: It’s all about Superworms at first, then a recap of Hombre not being sexy at all, then Daisy being the hottest Muppet in Muppet history. Also, they want keeping the Vegas fighting in mind.
- Morning at the Double Douche ranch, and the whores arrive home from Vegas. Breakfast with the Three Stooges.
- The house is so empty without the rest of the whores.
- BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Mandanna, v-neck pirate shirt, no medallion, light guyliner? It must be gay pirate day. Also he’s carrying scrub buckets for the ladies, along with the note.
You’re back from Vegas,
but the stakes are still high.
Still anyone’s game,
my girls never say die.
Get yourselves ready,
and clean up this place,
today’s adventure brings a familiar face.
They get an hour. To clean the whole house? That doesn’t even make sense by reality show fake-tv-time. Hombre terrible-actresses her way through a confessional where she’s “nervous” and “doesn’t knwo what’s coming.” Christ she is the worst actress. Acting-wise, Rose McGowan is Ambre as Judi Dench is to Jenna Jameson. Although I suspect that for the right role, Ambre, like Jenna - and let’s face it, Rose McGowan - would take it up the pooper two at a time.
- Cue mawhn-tahge of cleaning. So stupid.
- Doorbell. Guess who’s coming to dinner? Poppa Hombre. It’s Ambre’s first realistically portrayed reaction to date. Then she ruins it with a horrible confessional again.
- Holy ever-loving the Lord my God. What the hell is this about?
Bret is like a Monet at this point. Let me explain. I like Monet paintings. But, as the tired old joke goes, up close they are a mess. They are meant to be viewed from a distance and designed, as the style implies, to give an impression of whatever scene by which Claude found himself captivated. Bret Michaels has turned into an Impressionistic version of himself. From halfway down the hall, in a fuzzy, compressed screengrab from a compressed video pulled of my already compressed TiVo, he sort of looks like Bret Michaels circa 1988. He gives the impression of his former self. It’s only when you get up close that you see the jowly face, the sunken, aged eyes and the line where that wig meets his scalp.
Bret? Dude? It’s better when you wear the bandanna.
See what I mean? Total Monet.
- He tries to meet Poppa Hombre, but Dad won’t stop hugging his daughter. John interjects a “Sir?” And then VH1 dubbed in the exact same “Sir” multiple times to make it seem like John kept asking. It’s *so* stupid when they do shit like this. You can hear it’s the exact same “sir” just copied three times. Dumb. It makes John look like an asshole, and it insults my intelligence.
By which I mean I insult my intelligence just be watching this fucking show, but I digress. ;)
- Hombre says her daddy is a Southern conservative church-going man. Oh. Now I get why she’s still here! Actress + almost eliminated storyline + conservative daddy! Perfect recipe for storyline twists and some nice dramatic conflicts during parent’s week.
- Muppetface has a sad story. Hasn’t seen her dad since 17, mom since 20. Wait. Hold the fucking phone. A stripper with daddy issues from a broken home? NO FUCKING WAY. How is that possible? I’ve never heard of such a thing. That’s like saying Polish people like food involving cabbage. Who ever heard of such a thing?
- Destiney’s family shows up.
Skeletor is fucking a mummy! Jesus Christ, where’s Brendan Fraser when you need him? Someone needs to smite these two before their evil plot to enslave humanity is fulfilled. I always tell people to stay out of ancient tombs. See what happens? The potential destruction of the Earth.
- Douche says Destiney’s parents (Hereafter known as the Megaworms, or Poppa Megaworm and Momma Megaworm) are “biker hippy.” Yeah, I see that. Mom’s in tye-dye, dad has a big gothic cross on his jacket. Also, Poppa Megaworm has a face tat.
Deep Space Nine fan, or just a dumbass? Do those spots go all the way down? And am I now aroused by the thought of Jadzia while looking at Skeletor? And do I hate myself and want to die now? Yes. yes I do.
Fucking Worf. Super fighting badass, Barry White voice, bat’leth master and he got to trace Jadzia Dax’s spots. Some imaginary scifi characters get all the luck.
- The fams are chatting and Poor Muppetface is all ahh-wooonez. I think she need a cock to cheer her up. I wonder where in this house she could find an accessible cock on short notice. Preferably one not wearing a merkin.
- The doorbell rings. Ominous music. Who will it be? It’s Stephanie. Stephanie is Charles’ sister.
She has a bit of the Susan Sarandon cougar look about her. One suspects she was a bit of a hot tart in her younger years. :)
OK, here’s the thing. Muppetface is Oscar de la Hoya’s niece. The last time we all saw him, he was in that crossdressing scandal that sort of wasn’t really a scandal at all. unless you are a prideful Latino male. That Latino pride has sent him underground for awhile even though he denied the pics were real.
Now, consider the exposure that throwing a fat ton of cash at Oscar would result in. A whole new level of press coverage. ESPN would be reporting of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. Oscar’s a professional who would probably do it for a fee; but if that wasn’t an incentive, sell it to him by saying that here is his chance to step up and be a man, a father to Daisy when her own father abandoned her. here is a chance to show the world that Latino men take care of their families. Tell him he can redeem the lost pride from some stupid dress-up pics by stepping up and being there for a member of his family.
Easier and probably more personal to Daisy to go with Stephanie, to be sure, but man, what a lost opportunity for the show, VH1 and Bret himself to gain exposure to a whole new level of audience. So much of this shit is fake anyway, why not make a sound business decision?
- Douche is weirded out by the non-familial relationship. Then we jump to a mawhn-tahge of last year’s parental nonsense with Lacey’s father.
- Cut to: Hanging out with the rents in the animal print hell that is the main.game/living/great room of this gaudy, Africa-has-exploded-in-our-house nightmare they call a mansion. Time for drinks. Poppa Megaworm has cancer and doesn’t drink. Liver cancer, and he has six months to live. This is getting a little heavy. Time to lighten it up. Poppa Megaworms brought pics of his latest custom motorcycle.
Pretty hot. I like a basic, bad-ass Harley, although I’ll never be able to afford one. Also, as Bret confessionaled, it means a lot that this guy is taking time out of his last six months to waste what little energy he has to come out to this show. Too bad it won’t really matter as she’s about to get eliminated. Lastly, I feel like a complete twat for calling him Skeletor now.
- Time for a BBQ. Poppa Hombre lays Ambre’s age on Bret. Flashback to the day she lied and said she was 32. Douche-fessional: “Immediately, red flag. I am wondering what the hell else Ambre has lied about.” Uhh, everything? She’s an actress. technically I suppose it’s not lying, it’s [JonLovitz] ACTING! [/JonLovitz] Commercial.
- We’re back. We’re eating. Bret is wearing this:
Why? Because Bret Michaels is a douchebag, that’s why.
- Destiney and Bret are making stupid jokes about the size of the chicken breast. We’re supposed to be concerned for Poppa Hombre. Instead I’m concerned for the average IQ of the VH1 production team if they think this is good television.
- Oh no. Bret is going to show them some performance footage from a new live video they’re doing. Destiney leaps to her feet and starts gyrating and dancing like there’s a pole both in front of her and directly under her cooze hole.
Douche is acting like he’s having a good time at first, whooping and whatnot, but as Hombre confessionals, he’s not into this act of Destiney’s at all. Then he confessionals that he’s worried that Superworms came alive for Bret Michaels the rock star, and that she won’t love Bret Michaels off the stage. He’s right, of course. She’s a groupie.
- Time for a special date with Daisy & Stephanie. Awesome-ometer: 3. Superworms assaults him in the foyer before they leave for the date and tries to mouth-fuck Douche to death. She’s very proud of her dick move.
- The date: The Rainbow Bar & Grill. Only a matter of time before they went here, I guess. Daisy has never been to any of the rock clubs in LA. Douche starts asking about Charles. He’s laying it out for Stephanie and again, says “he doesn’t buy it.” Muppetface drops some more info: He (Charles) cheated on her. They were, in the middle of dealing with the “wall” that created when she decided to surprise Charles and come out here to be on this show.
That’s...odd. And less than honest to both Douche and JuniorDouche. Methinks I may have defended Daisy a bit too early when all of this came up a couple weeks ago. Bret seems to agree via Douche-fessional. He - and I - don’t believe that Daisy and Charles haven’t had sex in two years. I think they were in the middle of an “on again” period when Daisy came home one day and said “Guess what? I’m going to go try to fuck Bret Michaels.”
JuniorDouche wants his Muppetface back.
- Back to the house. Worms sends her parents to bed and waits for Bret so she can tounge-fuck his face hole again. Hombre and Poppa Hombre are chatting. Dad asks Worms what her future plans are, and there was a telling moment where she talked about if she became “his girlfriend, or whatever, you know, his interest...” Heh. His “interest?” You meant to say the regional franchise of the Pussy On The Road chain of easy-open pissflap dispensaries. Whore.
Hombre confessionals that there was no mention of Bret in any of Destiney’s future plans. True dat.
- Back to The Rainbow. Awesome-ometer: 4. Douche wants to know what exactly the deal is so he can get it straight in his mind. Honestly (a weird thing to say in relation to this show, I know) I can understand that. More bits and pieces are always coming out about this Muppet/JuniorDouche relationship.
Stephanie defends Daisy. She says that Bret is thinking like a guy. Since Daisy is female, the physical attraction between Daisy and Charles is dead because the emotional connection is dead. Oh just fuck right off. It annoys me to no end that people use their sex as an excuse to be overly emotional, or not emotional or whatever the excuse is. I also hate the myth that women can’t be physically attracted to someone without an emotional attachment. It’s bullshit. People are physically attracted to other people that fit the criteria for what they find physically attractive. Being attracted and acting on attraction are two completely different entities.
Your sex is neither a shield for bad behavior or an excuse to not do something. It’s all in your head.
Sorry. Pet peeve. Didn’t mean to go off on a rant there. Only yes I did. Sorry for lying to you.
Douche believes it coming from Stephanie, I guess. Douche-fessional that he’s not sure he can handle Daisy’s not being honest. He doesn’t call her a liar, but, yeah, he does. I like to think of it as Daisy having multiple levels of honesty. Bret just took the elevator to Level 3. Maybe if he fucks her hard enough during one of their hookups, he can ride the Truth-a-vator to Level 7: The Whole Story-town.
- Back, and it’s the next day. Err...what happened when Bret came home? Did Worms get a chance to rape his mouth again? If not, why not? THESE ARE THE THINGS WE NEED TO KNOW, VH1.
- Big John brings the note.
There was a “fantastic families” in there. Sweet, sweet alliteration… :) Destiney gets to go first, so she goes off to get ready.
- Stephanie and Poppa Megaworms are at the breakfast bar chatting. You know what’s scary...for Destiney? Stephanie looks better at her age, first thing in the morning, than Destiney ever has.
Pops sold his Harley back in the day when they first had her. Aww...he’s a good dude. And speaking of bikes, OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
Jesus he’s a douchebag. Anyway he’s taking Poppa Megaworms out riding. Awesome-ometer: 5. He’s got a nice fat custom bike waiting outside for him. Awesome-ometer: 6. Off to the tattoo parlor.
Tattoo guys always have the worst tats. It’s like hairdressers. They all have these horrible haircuts. I don’t get it.
- Superworms plays this really smart. She is trying to say that she only wants the logo done and not the words “Rock of Love.” That’s a smart decision. That way it will be a personal reminder of her time here but it’s not a walking ad for “Rock of Love” for the rest of her life. Douche tries to talk her into getting the words done. He fucking knows he’s cutting her at this stage. Yet here he is again, pushing another woman into marking herself as his property...he tells her that when Heather did it, she was fully committed to getting it down and showed no hesitation.
Jesus CHRIST...why would he say that? Why is he trying to get her to do the words? Just so that for the rest of her life, any man that sees it will know that he marked his possession and they are but mere second place finishers? And why would he push this on a woman he god-damned well knows he’s about to kick off the show?
I mean he’s no Rikki. It’s not like he’s forcing her to have sex, but for the love of fuck, this is just...misogynist, I guess. A different kind of male domination power play. Not as bad as what Rikki (allegedly) did, but almost as pathetic.
- It’s done.
Douche: “It’s not my name, but I’m dealing with it somehow.” Asshole.
- Back to the house. They walk in and AGAIN he says “It’s not my name, as heartbreaking as it was...” He just won’t stop, which to me implies that it’s more than a joke. He feels like she didn’t mark herself clearly enough as his, even though he doesn’t actually want her!
- Hombre’s turn. her confessional is *especially* over-acted, telling us how she’s looking forward to this date. One gets the feeling that she did a lot of summer stock theater right before she filmed these confessional segments. Tine it down, honey, we can hear you in the back just fine.
- They go to TeruSushi. It actually looks like somewhere I would want to go...unless the food sucks. Locals? Anyone ever been there? It certainly looks the part, the building is very Tokyo in the Edo Period.
- Amusing segment where Bret teaches Poppa Hombre to eat sushi. Then Bret brings up the age thing where she said she was 32. SuperActor Ambre Lake swings into action! She over-reacts to the question with that face/mouth cover things she always does. Her voice just ever-so-slightly breaks up in her confessional. And then they go to commercial without dealing with it. Wait, was that supposed to be a cliffhanger? Oh. Sorry VH1. I didn’t realize. Normally when something is a cliffhanger, the viewer gives one or two rat’s hairy asses. Considering that Hombre looks every single day of her 37 years, the fact that everyone in this house is a lying piece of shit and the fact that Bret looks more like a basset hound than a sex god, who rightly gives a fat fuck?
- Sidebar: Wait a minute. Was he trying to mark Destiney not so much for all men, but because he knows she;s a *Poison* groupie? This way his mark is on her so if and when she gets backstage - and you know all these girls from this show are going to get free reign at Poison shows for a couple of years - if she gets backstage and let’s say she meets Rikki. Poor her, but let’s say it happens, she gets summoned backstage and he’s seated on one of those ridiculous white couches and she’s on her knees blowing him. As her head bobs down, what would he see? Bret’s brand, that’s what.
I think I’m on to something there.
- Back to the show, and we’re talking about the age thing again. She’s [Lovitz]ACTING![/Lovitz] again.
She told her dad that if the other girls ask, be evasive, but tell Bret the truth. She told him that she was trying to protect her career. And then she said some weird stuff about how “this si why my dad is here” and “I wanted my dad to meet you.” But earlier she said that she didn’t know what was happening today.
Baroo? (head tilt). It really seems like she’s saying that she knew for a fact that her dad was coming here today. But how would she know that? She was supposed to be able to be eliminated at any moment. She might never have made it to this episode. Except that the script always called for her to be the one that wins it all after ALMOST GETTING ELIMINATED OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN YOU ALMOST SENT ME HOME BRET NOW WE’RE DATING OH MY GOD THIS IS SO WEIRD A GREAT STORY FOR THE GRANDKIDS blah blah fuck you Ambre I hate you and your lack of acting talent die in a fire.
- She overacts telling Bret that she’s fallen in love with him. She overacts her confessional about how something so stupid could fuck up her chances to
get a better career find true love. Date over.
- Back to the house. Douche gathers the rents. He thanks them, and then trundles off to get makeup and eyeliner done for elimination. That shit takes hours. Ric baker is involved, I think.
- Dad-fessional from Randy, Ambre’s dad. He feels like his daughter deserves “prob’ly better than Bret, but he’s a good guy.” Doh.
- Ex-boyfriend’s sister-fessional from Stephanie: She hopes that she helped clarify “Chuck” and Daisy’s relationship. “Chuck?” That guy gets called “Chuck?” Wow. That’s a pretty big disconnect.
- Dad-fessional from Tommy, Destiney’s dad: He would be proud to welcome Bret into his family. Apparently Momma Megaworms means about as much to this equation as the oil that leaks from those bike engines...could they have been more dismissive of her presence?
- The girls say goodbye to family. Mawhn-tahge of goodbyes and chick-fessionals. Cut to the chicks hanging out in the bedroom.
- Hombre needs to clear the air, or whatever. She tells Worms she’s sorry for not saying something to Worms’ face, that she questioned if Destiney was here to give her heart to Bret. Worms shocks the world by being reasonable and saying that she can’t tell Bret she is in love with him as she doesn’t know him that way yet. DUH! This whole fucking thing is shot over two weeks. That ANY of these dumb bitches think they can fall in true love while cat-fighting it out with 29 other starfucking whorebags is ridiculous! BUT...this is going to be precisely why Destiney is getting cut. Bret requires you to subjugate....no, to subordinate your ego and your existence to his. You have to be half-spineless and made of wet clay for him to want you...and she may be a lot of things, but apparently Destiney is neither spineless nor mold-able. She’s speaking reason, and reason be damned, we got some pussy to get!
She’s such a cunt. Ambre, I mean. She’s getting Destiney to say this stuff so she can use it against her at elimination. Watch. She;s going to stop the proceedings and tell on Superworms. When I call her a cunt, by the way, I mean that her character is a cunt. After all, an actress can only play the role she’s given and follow her director’s instructions.
- So the other two are in love with Bret, according to them. Daisy asks Destiney if she would be here if it was Jon Bon Jovi, or, and this was a weird leap to make, John Stamos. John Stamos? What the fuck? What do Jon Bon Jovi and Uncle Jesse have in common? And how sad is it that there is a whole generation of people who equate the name “Uncle Jesse” with Stamos and not Denver Pyle.
Superworms can’t answer the question. Commercial. FUKCING FINALLY elimination time!
- Eliminations. All the stooges, all lined up:
Two of them look like various kinds of moms and one of them looks like she will fuck you silly and leave you broke, spent and satisfied afterwards. I’m just saying.
- Elimination-fessionals: Daisy thinks Worms should GTFO, Hombre doesn’t regret telling Douche she wuvs him and Worms thinks it’s too late. Douche says he “doesn’t know” who he’s gonna eliminate.
What am I, a dimwitted moron? Like I can’t see this setup a mile away? Like I can’t see that he’s going to on-the-spur-of-the-moment pick Destiney to eliminate based on whatever drama is about to unfold. Oh, and John isn’t carrying passes.
- Douche thanks them for allowing him to be a part of their lives. GUY FUCKING LINER HOLY SHIT.
- He starts with Hombre. he loves her drive and ambition and intelligence. The downside is that he fears that her drive could turn their relationship into a business relationship. DUDE THEY’RE ALL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP! YOU MARK WHORES AND KEEP THEM ON THE DANGLE UNTIL YOU CAL THEM!
- He loves that Destiney is a wild child, and that he was blessed to meet her father. The downside: OK, I have to quote this as it was not actually in English.
“The downside...I feel that in your life there is a possible transitional period right now, and I just wanna make sure that in this moment in my life that we are just connecting at the wrong time.” Really? You want to make sure that you are connecting at the wrong time?
I know what he meant, but man, that turned out the opposite of how it sounded in his head.
- Daisy’s turn; Physical connection. He loves her creativity. His concerns are her “walk in garage” of skeletons to get through and that he might not be through all of them.
Douche says “Daisy is there anything, anything at all you wanna tell me.” And there is. PAUSE THE TIVO!
For the fucking love of fuck, I really hope she’s going to be the one to drop a dime on Destiney and that this isn’t another secret of hers. What’s left? She believes aliens built the pyramids? She wants to let scientists implant a baboon in her womb because she’s always dreamed of a half-human, half-baboon baby with a bright red ass? Please tell me this is a narc moment. One more secret and I’m gonna track this chick down and kill her myself.
- And the one thing is: Yep. Destiney’s thing. Ambre confirms it, and uses her “I’ve given everything” line again. Bitter in-fighting starts...they start in on her about not answering if she’d be here for another star . Destiney admits that she auditioned for the first season like that is some kind of proof that she really wants Bret.
Wait, that’s not fair. Actually there are two sides to that:
1. It could demonstrate that she just wants to be on TV. If it was Rock of Love with Bobby Dall, she’d be there too. She wants to fuck someone in Poison.
2. It could demonstrate that she really wants to get to know Bret specifically, so much that she was willing to humiliate herself after being rejected last year.
She reiterates that she cannot say that she’s in love with him, but she cares and has feelings and is willing to do whatever it takes to take it to the next level. Again, please allow me to use my $0.50 vocab word and stress that this may be a reasonable, adult position to take, but it will kill her chances because Bret rquires that your existence be subordinated to his if you want to be in orbit around Planet Michaels.
That’s probably half the reason that he and Rikki and he and CC have had so many problems over the years. They too wish to be the centers of their respective universes, but Planet Bret is a bigger ball of rock. No pun intended.
- We’re back. Douche looks like he’s smelling cheese. “Two girls told me today that they are falling in love with me. One girl told me she was loving the experience.” Then he calls worms down.
Awesome-ometer: 9. DOUBLE AWESOME...Awesome-ometer 10. Double digits. Rock and fucking roll, peoples.
The Worms is OUTTA HERE. He gives hers that “you r tour ends here” gimmick. Douche-fessional that she needs a few more years to party - and spend time with her father. he walks her out and he’s crying. All together now. 1...2...3...AWWWWWWWW!
- He comes back in and says that he’s happy that he has two beautiful girls that he cares about. Next episode: Awesome trip to Cancun...and another double-awesome! Awesome-ometer: 12, and that;s the first double double-awesome in a single episode, folks. And You. Were. There.
- They step off the hot seat, give him a double hug and Douche has to get that one-sleaze-step-too-far line in.
“This could work. This feels right.” Always reminding us that he can get chicks and always being a little bit sleazy. God bless Bret Michaels. Or damn him. whichever.
- Scenes from the next: Cancun. Finale. Hombre overacts. The chicks argue. Bret fucks ‘em both. He picks one.
This episode was dedicated to Destiney’s dad:
You know, I have to say, it’s probably appropriate to an old biker that the last image most of the world will have of him is cruising down an LA street on the back of a big fat hog. Good for you, Tommy. And I apologize for wanting Brendan Fraser to smite you. But I get the feeling you would have laughed.
- There’s no way I’m blogging the “Lost moments” special. Unless we see graphic footage of KayJay masturbating with root vegetables, or something equally as noteworthy. Maybe then I’d blog it. Barring that, see you next week for the big finish!
Posted by JimK at 11:20 PM on April 07, 2008
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Categories: Television, Rock Of Love, Rock Of Love 2
Tags: TV, Hair Metal, Bret Michaels, 80s, Poison, Reality, Rock Of Love, VH1
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