Rock Of Love 2 Week 3 - Stroller Derby, or “The Return Of Red Cuntya”

Oh boy.  Lacey’s back this week.  I wonder if she paid them to get back on TV?  One has to think that she misses all the attention.  Plus we know her and her daddy are loaded.  I wouldn’t put it past her.

Time for a good douche session.  Spread your legs and try to relax.

Glossary:

Angelique - Silica, for the massive amount of fake material in her face/nose/lips/boobs/body.  Plus, brain like a rock.  She’s a Z-list porn star (NSFW!)
Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The following “ladies” have not yet distinguished themselves enough to earn a name yet: Daisy, Roxy.  Suggestions welcome!

- Recap focuses on Hombre and Douche.  Color me the opposite of surprised.  Also they highlight the OSDC (that’s Old School Dance Contest, which has taken on some kind of mythical proportions in my mind at this point.)

- It’s morning at the mansion, and whores are stirring.  Roxy, one of the winners of the OSDC, reinforces that she intends to use her pass.  In case you forgot, this allows her to interrupt anyone at any time if they are with Bret and take their place.  Roxy?  Sistah?  It.  Won’t. Matter.  I think you are as fine as bone china, but you are a black woman, and you will get the boot.

- Bad poetry time.  Chazz read it.  I’m sort of surprised, unless it was spelled out phonetically. 

- Outside, into the Hummer limo (is anyone surprised that this show hired a Hummer for Bret?) and it’s off to the roller derby rink. 

- They are getting split into teams of four, and they have to protect a baby doll in a stroller.  Why?  So Bret, who is a “good dad,” can find out who has the “mother bear instinct.” Whatever.  That;s not the important part.  This is.  I present the atrocity that is the BretBaby.  Straw cowboy hat, bandanna, glasses and fuzzy dice on the stroller.

It’s stupid.  Hombre thinks it’s hil-arious!

- Oh dear god no.  I can feel her presence.  There will be a team opposing the baby protector whores.  And we all know who will be the captain of that team.  I can feel the desperate need for attention already.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD “If there’s anything I can do in these skates, I hope I can skate over Lacey’s face.” Me too!  I kind of hope that something truly tragic happens here.  By accident of course.  Oh, and the doll registers shock trauma.  Someone’s been watching Mythbusters!

- Blue Team; Vamps, KayJay, Silica and SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Red Team: FiveHead, The Last of the Black-hicans (I dunno if that’s gonna stick as Roxy’s nickname, but if she stays, maybe it will), Sequel and Hombre.  Pink Team: Daisy, Chazz, Superworms and PBR.  I have really got to get Daisy a nickname.

- Wow.  He said “Are we ready to start the stroller derby challenge?” I really, really expected him to say “Are you ladies ready to rock the stroller derby” and then grab his nuts and rub them for like, five seconds too long.  Bret never ceases to surprise me.

- PBR says she can skate and is sort of the captain of her little crew.  KayJay is flying around the circle in practice.  Red Team is on their asses a lot. 

- Oh for fuck’s sake.  The ref is named Marlene Dieb*tch.  I have no idea if that asterisk is really there, or if VH1 is afraid of typing out the word “bitch” on the kiron.  Either way, it’s exactly the opposite of cool and edgy.  It’s ridiculous and stupid, much like Bret Michaels himself.

- Pinks go first.  Dey be all a-scareded.  Douche is hoping that “these girls are willing to take a beating (douchebag pause for effect) for their man.” Any chance that I can give you a beating for their man, Douche?  Anyway, the roller bitches come and Red Cuntya literally grabs and punches the baby.  They’re shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, that Lacey would do suck a thing.

FUCK THIS IS STUPID.  They grab and shake the doll and we go to commercial.

Sometimes I hate television.

No I don’t.  I’m sorry TV.  Please don’t explode on me, I love you.

- We’re back.  Douche-fessional: “There is only one way to start to find true love and that is with a stroller derby challenge.” Really?  Well fuck me sideways.  Baby, I hate to do this in a blog post about Rock of Love, but you need to get the fuck out.  We did not meet over a roller derby contest where one of us tries to shake a baby to death, therefore our love, it is not a river.  Well, maybe it is a river, but someone just built a damn, and you gots to get to steppin’.  I’d say I love you, but Douche said no stroller derby, no love, so just walk away.

Don’t look back.  We’ll always have Albany.

- They deliver the baby to the doctor.  See what I did there?  Deliver. The. baby. That’s comedy gold.  Chazz is totally playing Brandi C. “At least we look hot.” Oh die in a fire.

- Red team has a plan...block the Derby Dolls while Sequel tries to get ahead.  It’s not really working.  Sequel is protecting the thing and Douche said that the fact that Peyton is willing to take a beating “made me wanna (another douchebag pause for effect, plus a small hand gesture)...breed.”

Seriously.  Does he have any fucking idea how stupid he sounds?

- Uhh, the Derby chick just ripped an arm off the baby.  That’s probably bad.

- Blue is next.  KayJay hopes that the rest of the team falls down in front of the Derby chicks.  She’s speedskating around and doesn’t get touched until the very end.  She’s the big “winner.”

The results: Pink team has a dead baby.  Red team just has a beaten baby, minus an arm.  Fivehead says something like” if the baby lost it’s left arm, no one will care.” Or something.  Unless the baby was left handed...wait am I talking about this like it makes any sense at all?  I need another glass of this wine, clearly.  Did I mention I’m drinking now?  I think Douche drove me to it.

- The Blue team won, obviously.  Just some bruising and shaking to their BretBaby.  Prognosis; baby will be fine with counseling.  And hair plugs.

Then Silica says “Zese girlz zhould betteah be wurried, becuz whin eye’m gunna too ween a debt weeth Bret, eye’m gunna fock eem zo goot, eez nut gunna louk at ennybuddy elze whin ee comingk back.” Sweet fuck she’s ugly. 

- SRB, Silica and Vamps get a group date, KayJay gets a solo.

- Last of the Black-hicans is conveniently upset about losing.  Why, she has a pass that allows her to interrupt a date anytime she wants!  How lucky and fortuitous.

- Group date time.  Uhh, Vampirella is wearing a top hat and some sort of....robe?  And she’s carrying a “puttin on the ritz” cane.  In fact, the whole outfit is very Buster Poindexter.  Classy.  Of course she’s actually the best dressed of the three on the group date.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is wearing her little sister’s black dress, and Silica is wearing some short pink thing that kind of looks like it got caught in the washer during the spin cycle.

- KayJay tells the other chicks that she is a mom, so she knows how strollers work.  Lucky kid, getting to slide out of that.  Wait, that didn’t come out right.  Anyway, I seriously doubt that strollers contain enough technology to defeat these chicks, even if they are all a little dumber than the average whore.

Well maybe a stroller could defeat Chazz.  I can see her turning it upside down and trying to make it sort of ski along on the handles.  The wheel confuses her.

Anyway, KayJay makes a simple, innocuous comment about the fact that PBR can’t actually skate, and the producers have Daisy get all worked up over it.  It’s dramatic, don’t you know.  Except for the fact that it wasn’t, Kristy Joe was laughing and being silly and not criticizing Catherine in any way, and Daisy;s reaction is obviously created to try to engineer some conflict.  Other than all that, it’s dramatic.

- Cut to the date.  Strip club.  Ivan Kane’s Forty Deuce Nightclub and Burlesque. Burlesque?  try “low-rent non-stripping stripping.” It’s like one of those sleazy joints you see on a crime procedural where all the women are ten years past their sell-by date and no one every actually gets nude, because it’s both disgusting and a health code violation to air that much raw meat in a bar.  Think I’m lyin’?  Check out their gallery of photos.  You have to give them an email to see the pics.  Make something up.  May I suggest makemevomit@oldbeefyvaginas.org?  Now, see what I mean?  and those are the good pictures that they want you to see.  Fuckin hell.

- What a surprise.  Ivan greets them at the door and seems to know Bret.  The place is closed down for them.  They will be doing “burlesque” dancing.  Vamps says she’s a trained dancer.  This probably means that an old whore taught her how to slap her yeasty beef curtains around without getting them stuck to the pole.

This ain’t burlesque, ladies.  I’ve seen Dita von Teese, and you ladies ain’t no Dita von Teese(es).

- Meanwhile, back at the Whore Cave, KayJay makes a joke that the rest of Pink Team said that PBR let the team down.  This is so scripted...we got to see a single sentence that was clearly a larger part of a conversation that we didn’t get to hear.  But hey...catfight!

- Club.  Uhh...these are strippers doing stripper dances.  They’re just not getting naked.  There’s nothing burlesque about this!  Silica says that she gets totally naked, and “Dakota” (the chick from the club) says that burlesque is the art of the tease.  So when will you start teasing?  Double-speed salsa dancing back and forth while wearing a shimmery bikini is NOT burlesque.  There’s no teasing involved in what this broad did.

Ten bucks says twenty bucks would buy you what this club really specializes in.

- Douche said “par-tay” like, and he meant it.  I really don’t think he knows.  Commercial.

- Back at the Douche.  I mean the Deuce.  SCARY BIG BONED RUSSIAN BEAR WRESTLER BROAD is doing actual burlesque teasing, so of course Douchebag says she sucks at it.  Why, because she’s not doing some stupid triple speed Latin ass shake?  he did call her his “Ukrainian love tank,” so I gotta give him props for that.  I should also mention that I know she’s not Russian.  Ukrainian is not Russian.  It doesn’t matter.  The joke still works, and besides, SCARY UKRAINIAN BROAD just doesn’t conjure up the same mental image.

On the other hand, he also finished his thought by calling her a spicy meat-a-ball.” Bret?  Dude?  That’s an Italian joke.  She’s Ukranian...you just told us that.  if there is one thing i can’t stand, it’s comedic inconsistency in making jokes about a nationality that doesn’t fit the person you are mocking.

What?  Shut up.  Russia used to own the Ukraine.  My joke is different.  Fuck you.

- Aubry is next.  You’ll never guess what she did...the high-speed Latin ass shake.  She did regular stripper stuff, just slower.  Douche loved it.  Of course he did.  A woman just took off her kit down to undies and shook her ass in competition to try to ride his graying pubic mound all the way to Cashtown.

It’s like he doesn’t know they all see him as an ATM with a wig.

- Uhh...Silica took all her clothes off.  ALL of them.  She spread the meat wide open for him.  We’ve seen her pics...look up in the glossary for the link if you haven’t.  It’s like an old veal chop that someone butterflied with a hacksaw.  Then microwaved.  They’re gonna need some Control III to wipe down that stage.  That shit kills AIDS dead on contact.  Somehow I think that will come in handy.

Sidebar; Do you think her secretions could be used as a brass polish?  Or would it be too corrosive?

Anyway, he thought it was hot.  They pretended like it mattered that she got naked, like it was gonna violate the club’s rules and get them shut down.  Like Hollywood wouldn’t be better off if that happened.

- Back to the house.  The “drama” is still going on.  It’s turning into a thing.  Ahh, this is where the “KayJay is is a manipulating bitch” part comes in.  Honestly, this is obviously written, but it’s so stupid - and what KayJay said is so harmless - that I can’t really get into the spirit of the whole thing.  it just feels inanely stupid.

- Good fucking lord, now they go out to Daisy and Superworms and everyone has to act like this is a big deal.  Superworms and Chazz are arguing with KayJay in the hall.  Chazz takes a dig at the fact that KayJay isn’t wearing makeup.  Uhh...she still looks better than all of you.  She could get burned in a gasoline fire and still look better than all of you.

This is retarded.

- Douche comes home and says that the ladies were ready to “party” or some shit.  “The big head’s saying ‘Let’s do it’.” What?  That’s backward.  That doesn’t even make sense.  The little head should be telling you to go party with these “ladies.” I think the bandanna is on too tight.

- Oh look, KayJay is crying.  Vamps is “helping her.” She seems to be crying about the no makeup crack.  Hollywood, take note!  She can cry on cue.

- The next day dawns.  Superworms reminds us that she also has a megapass that gives her the right to swoop in and get Douched.

That’s what I’m calling a date with Bret Michaels.  Dating Bret is now called “getting Douched.” The problem here is there is a logical comedic inconsistency, and we all know I hate those. 

See, a douche is supposed to clean and freshen a nasty, funky cockcave.  Bret Michaels actually has the opposite effect; he can turn a pussy that smells like spring rain into something that even the French would say “Ohh, mon cheri, that eez one unfortunate vageena odouer you haff, may eye suggezt a douchzes?” Oh well.  Can’t win ‘em all.

- Big John is wearing his red bandanna today.  Must be “Dress like a douchey gay pirate” day.  He calls them all in for another note/poem/lyric.  It’s for KayJay.  The date is just a BBQ in the yard.  REALLY?  You;re fucking kidding!  This would make it so easy for say, someone with the right to interrupt a date, to swoop in and say, interrupt!  Gee, I wonder if that will happen?

- Kristy Joe is making dinner for Bret.  Hey, KayJay cooks.  And she irons in bikinis.  Dude.

- I know that this may surprise you to no end, but Superworms and Daisy plan to use their passes to get all up in KayJay’s shit.  I know, I know, who could have seen this coming.  Well, except Stevie Wonder.  And Daredevil.  And every human being within a seventy mile radius.  And one lone dude from Delta Sigma Centauri who picks up Earth transmissions on his spaceship’s satellite dish.

I’m trying to say this wasn’t much of a surprise.

- Aww fuck.  KayJay has a tramp stamp.  Are those like standard issue for women under 30 now?  Also, she kissed him hello.  I assume he was fresh out of the shower and hadn’t had time to get all festered up with the skank, but still.  He’s like a petri dish of STD by this point.  Best to avoid contact if possible, unless you are wearing level 3 HAZMAT gear.

- OUR FIRST AWESOME!  As soon as we start counting, he stops saying it.  Fucker.  Somehow he always finds a way to make this as painful a viewing experience as possible.

- The bitches are planning to swoop in as soon as they start eating.  Oh here we go.  Wow, this is such a surprise.  We learn that KayJay has been married twice and is currently getting her second annulled.  Baggage!  Here comes Superworms, lookin’ classy!  Cutoffs, bandanna, bikini top.  The Bret Michaels Official Girlfriend Uniform.

- Wait, KayJay is like a one-woman soap.  She’s on her second marriage, is still legally married actually, has at least one kid, has a restraining order on her current husband, just filed the annulment papers after one month of marriage...Jesus!  All she needs to say is “And we had to sell our double wide at a loss” to put the icing on this cake.

- Bingo.  Superworms drops the pass on Brett.  He pretends like he doesn’t want to do it and we go to commercial.

- Back and he’s still pretending like this is unexpected and awkward.  Then he finds a way to turn this into a “I’m a horny rock star” again.  Douche-fessional about how he’s hoping for a naked cat fight and how Superworms ordering KayJay to leave “kinda turned me on.” So did Big John in his red bandanna.

I know, I used that joke last week.  If Bret’s gonna say the same dumb shit every week, so am I.

- Superworms mounts Douche and they start chatting.  Bret sells her a used car tells her he’s glad she interrupted the date.  Does he know that we just watched him a few seconds ago saying he wasn’t glad, and that this flip-flopping makes him look like a huge, bald liar?

See also; SUPER GUYLINER!

They make out.  KayJay comes back.  So that’s it?  What the fuck?  Why did she leave when KayJay came back out?  Oh, yeah, the producers told her to leave, see, because KayJay has to get interrupted a second time, and she can’t do that if Destiney is still out there.  Time to switch so we can have our second VIP pass moment.

- Daisy’s turn.  Bret cuts her off at the knees and says “Are you doing this just to make her mad.” He also says that he and Daisy have a lot to talk about, and they can’t accomplish it in ten minutes.  So thanks for confirming that this is all scripted out, Douche.  There was never any mention of a ten minute time limit.  Daisy bops away.  Up in the room that is apparently Skank Central, she seems worried that she pissed off King Douche of Scrote-ovia.

- KayJay Tells Bret she’s a bit overwhelmed by all the girls coming at her.  Douche confessionals that this is a bad thing because how will she handle all the ladies coming at her back stage if she’s his girl?

Does Bret think it’s still 1988?  Four fat broads in Des Moines do not a harem make, Douchey.  Anyway...the big setup here is that KayJay’s in peril.  Bret closes this chunk of video with a sage and wise saying: “Sometimes it’s the right place at the right time, but you know, maybe inevitably it’s the wrong place at the wrong time.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  Douche Svengali Michaels has spoken, y’all.

KayJay’s worried.

- Oh here we go.  The producers told Bret Bret decided to go find Daisy, as she’s been smelling onions for an hour preparing emotionally for her scene upset and crying over the idea that she disrespected Douche by interrupting his date.  he then proceeds to sell her a used car, by which I mean he told her he was glad she interrupted.  Even though he told her he wasn’t glad a few minutes ago, and sent her away.  But pay no attention to the roadie behind the curtain!  he is the Great and Powerful Douche, and whatever he;s saying at this exact moment is the new truth.

He’s like the Bill Clinton of rock.  Without the charm.  Or class.  Here’s what I mean.  His confessional for this segment:

Daisy is talking to me in her bikini and crying, and I have a true moment, and then I look at her boobs.  I’m like, ‘Fuck, she looks hot.’ Back up to the crying, down to the breasts.  Sad to see ‘em go, but tonight I’ve got eliminations and I’ve got some serious thinkin’ to do.

So, douche.  Also, note the hats over the bed.

- Elimination time.  Silica is confident.  For some reason Aubry is really upset over the idea that Kristy Joe might get eliminated.  DUH DUH DUUUUUHHHHHHHH!  Oh the drama!  Will Kristy Joe be able to leap this hurdle?  Will Bret see the real her and keep her in this house?  Will Angelique finally find out that the source of that odor is the three quarts of semen trapped behind her cervix?  Stay tuned kiddies!  Commercial.

- During the commercial that bumper I mentioned last week plays again.  He looks like he was stung in the face by a bee.

- We’re back.  Oh my GOD.  I know that some of you who don’t watch this show think I exaggerate.  Sometimes I think I do, and I watch this shit.  Then I see things like this.

Sometimes the pure class that emanates from this show takes me aback.  That is one classy piece of set decoration.  The Olde English lettering, the printed backdrop of hundreds of candles, thematically reinforced by the actual lit candles right next to it...my god that screams “good taste.” It’s like something you might see in the lobby of The Drake .

- Elimination time.  Again, KayJay is worried.  Silica is feeling great because she slapped her cooze up in Bret’s grill.  PBR read her cuecards that said thinks KayJay is a cunt.  Douche walks in with Pete Wentz levels of guyliner on. 

- First pass goes to: Superworms. he says she truly used her VIP pass properly.  What?  You told her that it was awkward and was she sure she wanted to do it, you talked to her for three minutes, made out for five, then she went away.  When Daisy did it you said it was both wrong and a good thing.  are you even aware of what you are saying any more?

I really fear that VH1 thinks we’re all this stupid.  Can most people really not see through this?

- Second one goes to Daisy, who was “classy and cool” when she interrupted his date.  Uhh.  WTF?  Oh, and Last of the Black-hicans thinks maybe she should have used her pass.  Sorry, baby.  They;re trying to give reasons to cut you without making it look like Bret’s kicking you out for you know...oh come on, you know.  Being an Obama voter.  Being a BET watcher.  Oh for fuck’s sake, how many times do I have to say it?  Bret will not date you, you’re black.

Sorry.  Also, Awesome-ometer: 2.

- Next, SCARY RUSSIAN (shut up!) BROAD gets one.  Vamps gets a pass.  Sequel gets a pass.  PBR gets a pass.  Oh my, it’s coming down to the wire for poor KayJay!  Awesome-ometer; 3.  Hombre gets one.  Chazz too.  Fivehead gets a pass.  Awesome-ometer: 4.  He doesn’t say it all episode and BAM!  Three awesomes like, bang bang bang.  You know what else he does that fast?  Look, I don’t want to spread rumors, but I hear things.  Not really, but wouldn’t it be awesome if we could start

- We’re down to Roxy, Angelique and KayJay.  Why’d he keep Fivehead over any of these?  Did he even talk to her at all during this episode?  DRAMATIC CHORDS STRIKE AS WE GO TO COMMERCIAL.

- We’re back.  The ladies are confessionaling how they want a pass, they;d be upset if they didn’t get a pass.  Blah blah blah.  KayJay gets the pass.

HOLY FUCK, SILICA’S OFF THE SHOW!  Awesome-ometer; 5.  Back to Silica.  But...but...she’s a comedy goldmine!  How DARE they do this?  I swear to fuck the intern that types out her subtitles better not be responsible for this.  if that little fucker complained about how much extra work he has because of her...fuck you, Rock of Love intern.  LOOK AT HOW MUCH I TYPE FOR YOUR FUCKING SHOW!  The least you can do is keep me entertained with really frightening, possibly-a-tranny stripper whores with duck faces!  I hate you all.  I hope everyone at VH1 dies in a fire.

Goodbye Angelique.  We’ll miss you.

- Say goodbye to the black girl.  Wait, what?  While talking to her and basically chastising her for not using her VIP interruption pass, he says the other VIP girls used their passes repeatedly to the point where he had to say “You can’t use it again.” WELL WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU SHOW US THAT PART?  Oh, I know.  It would have taken precious screen time away from the “Will Kristy Joe make it?” storyline, and also, may have entertained us, and we wouldn’t want that!

- Time to say goodbye to Silica.  He says she’s a free spirit and whatever, but he’s been down this road recently with someone that he liked.  Is he talking about Heather?  Or maybe that stripper he;s always going on about who broke his heart?  Not sure I get that reference, although Silica seemed to get it.  She doesn’t seem too broken up about this.  Of course, she knows that this is Los Angeles, and in eleven minutes she can be riding another balding millionaire with bad eyesight.  She’ll be fine.

- Next week...they are building motor cycles.  KayJay is the new Sam, all conflicted about staying, with the screaming and crying and bi-polarness.  OK.  I guess you can get Oscars for shit like that, so good for her.  Also, Aubry gets all up in Douche’s grill.  Fun.  I suppose.  ;) Also, I heard a “Ah-whassa-goin-awn” in there.  Yay!

- BTW: What the fuck?  That was it with Lacey?  That sucked.

See you next week, Rock-of-Lovers.  Only get off my ass about that Russian-Ukrainian stuff already.  ;)

Posted by JimK at 11:37 PM on January 27, 2008
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