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Mon, 31 Mar 2008 00:31:00

Rock Of Love 2 week 10 - Bitter Suite, or “What happens in Vegas gets broadcast on national TV”

What’s the time?  It’s time to get ill.  Not in the Beastie Boys sense of the phrase.  That would be awesome.  No, this is more like a literal illness, both demonstrated by the ladies after a trips to Vegas with Heather and felt by you when you think of all the things with multiple legs that must be crawling through the bed Bret will share with at least three of these skeezers.

Let’s whore it up.

The skanks whores sluts attention-seeking cum dumpsters that are left:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Prediction: Destiney acts like a supergroupie in Vegas, starts all the fights and ends up getting the boot.  *Small* chance that the show will throw a swerve and eliminate Daisy because no one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition.  I doubt it, but it’s the distant second choice.

- The recap wants us thinking about: Heather’s partying, as though you could forget.  Also the emotional drams with Daisy.  That’s it.  They;re not even trying to hide what is about to happen. :)

- We open on the ladies packing.  It’s retarded Ed Hardy trucker cap day.

Ed Hardy made good tattoos, but the clothing looks like retard monkeys flung colored poo at fabric

Time to take these fashion nightmares to Vegas.  The ladies walk by their “luggage” like they are just props and head to the limo.  Lear jet time.

- Mawhn-tahge of Red Cuntya drunk off her ass from last year.  Man I miss the more interesting version of this show.  I miss Lacey.  WHAT THE FUCK?

- Fivehead is, once again, worried that Douche thinks she’s too much of a goody two, goody two, goody goody two shoes and she’s determined to prove him wrong.  Again.

- Hard Rock, again.  It’s such a cliche.  Rock stars at the Hard Rock.  Awesome-ometer: 1.

- The ladies get their suite and Fivehead says it’s “full of presents that Bret bought us.” Really?  He went out and shopped for you?  Or do you think that the sponsors grabbed a bunch of swag they always stick in hospitality rooms for celebs and he doesn’t even know what you have?

- Worms makes a big clunky statement about how Daisy is her friend but also her competition.  Gee, I wonder if they will clash?  Gee.  Willikers.

- Poetry time.  The “Awesome Foursome.” FUCK YOU, MICHAELS.  How dare you get me used to your alliterational stylings and then just take them away from me like that!  It’s more than I can bear!  It’s like Heather without a drink in her face: it just ain’t natural.  Fivehead and Worms have some golf outfits to wear and they are off to meet Douche.  Fivehead played varsity golf in high school so this is her time to shine.  Oh and the poem had an awesome in it, so Awesome-ometer: 2

I can't believe there wasn't a douche-fessionaled joke about a three wood

Good lord...Heather decided to “80’s it up a bit” and made them some big hair.  The kicker, of course, is Heather’s confessional: “These girls are so stupid. 80’s hair is so out. Even I know that now.” Looks like 80s Grandma learned something.  :)

She’s fucking with them, and it worked:

What they didn't show is that she also teased their pubic hair into the shape of Rick Astley.  YOU'VE BEEN TEXTUALLY RICKROLLED!

Douche seems to like the hair.  He said it reminded him of fond memories.

Pre-douchebag Michaels

Like a time before he was a twat.

- Daisy just said she’s hooked up with Bret “like 500 times.” Hombre confessionals that Daisy can sex it up, but “can she form a mental connection with him?” Uhh, yeah, if they write it into the script, Acty McActresser.

- Grandma is going to do some one-on-one grilling.  Muppetface is first.  She tells Heather that she feels no competition, and confessionals that no one can beat her chemistry with Douche.  She sounds EXACTLY like Heather did last year.  Heather says right now none of them are right for Bret.  She so hates Daisy.  Muppetface is younger, prettier and has a better body, and can probably fuck like a bunny.  or at least a guinea pig or something.  Heather needs a garden hose to get her snooch wet and a team of horses to drag the remnants of the last thirteen men who dies up there in the quest for Curly’s Gold. Jealousy is an ugly thing.

- Time to grill Hombre.  Heather doesn’t actually ask any questions though, she starts ranting about Daisy, projecting all the same shit from last week about who Daisy is looking for a sugar daddy, etc.  So far Hombre has said about three words.  Heather tells her to list all Muppetface’s flaws to Bret at dinner.  Heather is still competing by proxy!  Commercial.

- Angel Park Golf Club is the setting for the golf date.  Awesome-ometer: 3.  No!  4!  Confessional “awesome” and another “awesome” to the gold course guy.  That’s so awesome

Apparently what makes this golf place special is that it is lit up at night.  How rock & roll.

- Douchebag Michaels is at it again:



Another confessionaled awesome!  Awesome-ometer: 5.  We could be looking at a Category Three Awesome convergence, people.  Get your emergency supplies (condoms, antiviral medications, barf bags) in order, this could be a big storm!

- Montage of golfing.  Fivehead is doing well, Superworms sucks.  Fivehead is using her performance to demand kisses.  Awesome-ometer: 6. See, this is an attempt to up her bad girl cred, only it comes off as sickeningly sweet and goofy.  It’s not helping.  You wanna be a bad girl?  Reach up under your skirt, pull off your panties and stick them down his pants.  Then drop to your knees, unzip his zipper, magically transform yourself into someone who isn’t cross-eyed, doesn’t have a fivehead and is much, much prettier, then...oh fuck it.  It’ll never work.

- Heh.  Destiney starts doing total whore stuff that is not really that far off from the vibe I was just describing.  Douche pretends like he cares.  Awesome-ometer: 7!  At this rate we could be looking at a record-setting number of awesomes, people.  I know, it;s really exciting, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  We’ve got a lot of whores and catfights to get through.  The awesomes will come.

- Date over.  Back to the hotel.  Daisy says something so benign about getting ready for “our date” and we get a confessional from Worms about how it was so rude, etc.  Jesus, who wrote this, McG?  This script has all the subtlety of a Michael Bay film.  They;re making it into a huge deal, and this one tiny stupid thing “makes he think that Daisy wasn’t the friend to me that I thought she was.” What?  What the hell?

- Hombre plans to tell Bret how she feels.  Apparently that means talking about Daisy all night.  The date is at the steakhouse in the hotel.  Douche-fessional: “This is gonna rock. The girls need some meat.” He’s trying *SO* hard.  It’s cute, like when your puppy can’t quite get up the stairs but dog-gone it he’s gonna keep trying!

- Time to grill the ladies - read Muppet - about exes.  He asks her about the two years that they weren’t a couple but still lived together.  Daisy says it’s been two years since she has had sex with *anyone*.  Bret thinks she’s lying.  I’ll be honest, I think she’s lying too.  He essentially calls her a liar.  he keeps asking probing questions trying to get her to talk.  Hoo boy.  Here it comes.  Commercial.

- Back and it’s right back into Daisy on the hot seat.  “You’re leaving out a chunk.” So let’s hear the chunk. 

- She had an abortion.  OK.  Charles hung in there to “make sure I was OK.” Bret douche-fessionals that helps him understand why she’s so close to him.

- Hombre starts in.  “I didn’t realize it was two years...I didn’t realize the lease ran for that long.” She asks her how she makes money.  Muppet’s a stripper.  Hombre confessionals that she;s trying to illustrate the differences between them - Hombre has a stable job, etc?  Really?  Mostly unemployed actress is a stable place in life and a steady job?

- Hombre is trying to be slick. “So you don’t have any debt?” Muppetface responds that of course she does...and she hopes that what Hombre is saying is a good thing and not just to attack her. “Of course, I mean, I feel for you.” LIAR.

Like it matters.

- Cut to: Heather talking to Head and Worms about Daisy.  Destiney is “pissed off” that Daisy says she has no competition.  Oh for fuck’s sake.  Every line Heather utters is so scripted and Destiney’s reactions are so carefully escalating to justify the fight scene later.

WEAK.



So fucking fake.

- Cut to the steakhouse.  They’re bailing on dinner and heading upstairs - obviously on the cue of the producers who informed Douche that Destiney’s method acting was completed and she was ready for the “drunken whore brawl” sequence.  Jessica; “Daisy is acting like a nut.”

- Destiney and Daisy start fighting.  In 30 seconds it goes from casual cattiness to all-out screaming.  Hombre jumps in and starts screaming at Daisy as well.  It escalates.  “Why are you ganging up on me.?” “I’m not.  I’m talking to you.” Yes, you are.

It escalates again.  Hombre is now pissed because Daisy is taking away from her time with Bret. 

Daisy: “Maybe you should have more to talk about with him then”
Ambre; ‘Fuck you.  Fuck you, bitch!”

OUCH!  Struck a nerve, did we?  You’re boring, Ambre, and kind of ugly.  Sorry.

Daisy tries to leave and Hombre follows her in.  “Leave me alone dude.” They all follow in and this is what happens:



That’s bullshit. She threw a full can of beer at her. Daisy blocked it but that’s not the point *at all*.  If I were Daisy I’d call the cops.  Reality script or not that is too far.  Fuck Stripper Grandma and her bullshit.  You can’t hit her back wieh the room is stacked against you.  You have to take the only action you can.  Art of War, bitches.  Superworms would definitely back Heather up, and Hombre *might*.  So you can’t fight...call the cop on that old whorebucket.

- Heather walks out saying “You’re not gonna be with my friend.  I’ll be damned.” Commercial.

- Back.  The beer can is shown again, then John comes in.  Where the fuck has he been?  Wasn’t the implication, and maybe I’m remembering last year and not this pale imitation, but wasn’t it implied that he was sort of general “keeping shit together” security man as well as Bret’s pimp and manservant?  Seems to me he should be watching this shit on monitors at least when he hears voices raised - or gets alerted to the argument by a PA - and when the violence starts he should be in there like stink on a monkey.

If this wasn’t a script that is…

- John brings them to Bret’s “rockin’ suite.” This is a commercial for the hotel.  The ladies are pretending that nothing is wrong while Douche does his infomercial.  They’re playing blackjack.  Worms is trying to start the argument again.  And away we go.  It’s like a trailer park exploded in here.  Superworms gets physical and Bret calls John in.

Heather goes off on her again.



Doh. 

What’s weird is, this isn’t actually very entertaining to me for some reason.  It’s coming off a *so* utterly manufactured that I feel like they’re cutting wrestling promos.  That;s exactly why I am so disconnected from this episode: It’s not even badly written reality TV.  It;s poorly ad-libbed pro wrestling storylines...and let;s face it, the reason you watch wrestling isn’t the writing.  It;s the guys in tiny shorts.

What, that’s just me?  Fine.  Liars. But whatever.

A long time ago in TNA, there were these two “dumb” characters.  One day they did this skit about who silly some of the conflicts are in wrestling, but these tow were acting like the dumb stuff was gospel and a set of rules they were actually supposed to follow.  One of these “rules” was that you could get into a huge dramatic fight with someone and challenge them to a match just because you bumped into them in the hall.  So they went off looking for people to bump into.

That’s Daisy and Destiney today.  Destiney was told to go bump into Daisy and challenge her to a match, and the person who told her to do it is the “disinterested third party” who is really the force behind it all.  In this case that is Heather.

Anyway...everyone’s all yelling at each other.

- Daisy: “My uncle is Oscar de la Hoya.  If I wanted a way out I would have fucking called him.” That’s a good point.

- Heather gets directly in Daisy;s face and they start screaming.  They seem about eleven microseconds from blows.  Bret walks in and cuts it off. “You’re ruining my night.” He’s kind of pointing his anger at Heather, looking right at her when he says ‘I’m fuckin’ done.” Good.  Maybe he watched the tape of her assaulting Daisy?  Maybe he’s going off script and sees this is going too far?  Bret pulls Daisy into his room.

- He tells Daisy that her story isn’t unfolding fast enough, and there are holes in it.  He asks her if she’s here for the right reasons, and she breaks down into his arms and douche-fessionals that he believes her.  He tells her that the only thing that matters is what they feel about each other, she;s feeling better and she leaves the room.

I wonder if Heather is going to cool it, so as not to jeopardize her ownership of the Vegas franchise of the Bret Michaels On-The-Road Pussy Palace.

- Hombre is “so over it.” OK.  Whatever. 

- Cut to; the morning.  WOAH.

You know that 'coyote ugly' thing about chewing off your own arm in the morning? No worries. She'll do it for you.

That is some rough rough business early in the A.M.  She “feels so bad” that she upset Bret.  Same shit, different season.  I think it was Sturgess last year who felt bad for disrespecting Bret or whatever.

- Douche - wearing the uniform of all douches everywhere, an Affliction shirt - has Heather come in to talk to about eliminations.  He “likes” Hombre.  sure.  The script says you do.  He’s not sure Jessica can “handle my lifestyle.” He’s concerned with Destiney’s anger issues and physical violence.  So maybe he doesn’t know that grandma here was the one to get that ball rolling.  They don’t talk about Daisy at all and he tells Heather that he has to do this alone, she’s too big an entity and she is getting in the way.

That was the easy let-down version of “You’re harshing my blowjob action, stupid!  I already have a wife, i don’t need a Vegas wife!” Heather goes back to the club, or the gutter, or wherever it is that she keeps herself when not servicing Douche.

- Douche is going to spend one-on-one time with Fivehead and Muppetface, because there are “unanswered questions” he needs to “get to the bottom of this.” So...he’s gonna ask Daisy what happened and then see if Jessica backs up her version maybe?

- Fivehead meets him in the suite’s bowling alley.  She’s wearing another god-damned Ed Hardy shirt.  Fuck those clothes are ugly.  They talk about her innocence *again*.  Something about his world of hurt.  Who is he, Trent Reznor all of a sudden?

- Oh for fuck’s sake.

In my head he's singing the Kim Jong Il 'I'm So Ronery' song from the South Park movie.

“Look at me!  Look at how important I am!  Is your pussy wet yet?  Who wants to do some sex right here on this stage with me?!?  Douche.  bag.  have I mentions that Bret Michaels is a douchebag?  I have?  Oh.  Sorry.

- He asks her that if there’s anything else she needs to tell him, now’s the time.  Great.  she;s totally going to make me wish I wasn’t on her side now isn’t she? 

Oh shit.  She just sealed her fate.  She’s doomed.



You’re done.  Ambre is going to be the winner.  No *fucking* way will Bret take CC’s castoffs.  Rikki and Bret are so, SO, SO competitive when it comes to women.  You fuck one, you are off the list for the other one, and if CC gets you first, that taints you for both of them.  It extends to non-sexual conquests as well; you can’t be too close to any one of them and expect to be close to the rest of the band.

It’s childish high school crap, but fairly common in rock bands.  She’s so done.  Watch his face at the end of that clip.  She’s all sorts of done.  Not this week, but she’s never going to win now. 

- She says there was never a physical relationship with CC.

Douche is definitely floored by all this.  “I just can’t seem to get to the bottom of the barrel.” Ouch.  Now she’s crying again.  She says she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t tell him the truth.  true, but you might not have been so damned if you had spilled the beans like...earlier?  Commercial.

- Elimination time.  They’re going to some club in the hotel for the event.  Elimination-fessionals: Fivehead says Worms is going home.  Worms thinks the same thing.  Hombre thinks that she’s safe and Daisy needs to leave.  Muppetface is sobbing and barely coherent and sobs that this is gonna suck.

Muppetface!

Janice!  How ya been. Suck off any good rock stars lately?

- I’m sticking with my prediction: Destiney is out.

Destiney is trying way too hard

- First pass goes to: Daisy.  Some kind of vote of confidence.  She confessionals that she wants to tell him that she loves him.  Donna thinks that he probably called CC, as CC remembers *everyone* when he’s not high.  He must have confirmed Daisy’s story and so this is a vote of confidence.  Maybe she could still win?  He tells her he hopes that the secrets are over.

Worms is pissed.  Douche-fessional: “I am fallin’ in love with this girl, craziness and all.  She may just damn well be the girl for me.”

- Next pass goes to: Hombre.  She’s crying too.  Available for all dramatic roles, people, keep that in mind!

Destiney and Jessica are left.  Both women that Bret has used that “stay in this house and wear that dress” line to, by the way.  They are both also crying. 

- He tells Jessica that she’s real, young, etc.  He also fears that innocence and youth.  He tells Destiney that her quick temper would be a problem with his fans.  A girl would say the wrong thing and Worms would go off, and he;d lose a fan and get sued.  Yeah, that;s exactly what would happen.

- Pass goes to: Commercial.  Douche-fessional: “I have the pass in my hand and both girls are just breakin’ down and this is killin me.” CUE SUPER DRAMATIC FOX-STYLE REALITY MUSIC!  OH MY GOD!  THERE’S ONLY NINE SECONDS LEFT TO SAVE THE PRESIDENT!  CTU HAS CALLED IN BRET MICHAELS, CRACK SUPERAGENT TO DIFFUSE THE BOMB!  CAN HE DO IT?  WILL HE INFECT IT WITH AN STD OR USE TRADITIONAL TOOLS TO DISARM IT? 

“WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! , I HAVE TO HAVE THOSE CODES!  TELL ME WHAT THE CODES ARE!” Then he slaps the bad guy with his straw American Outlaw hat.  Bret Michaels is Jack Bauer!

- We’re back with another dramatic Ambre confessional.  “I am thinkin’ (HUGE ARM MOVEMENTS) Who is goin’ home?” Oh for fuck/////she’s a bad actress.

- Destiney gets called down.  Did I mention that Douche is wearing 98234789058234 gallons of eyeliner?  He asks her if she can handle her temper, and when she says yes, he gives her the pass.  Aww!  I was all sorts of wrong.  Wormface gets to stay.

Aww!  A tear rolls down the heavily made-up face of rock & roll’s greatest living Lothario.  He’s sex on wheels, ladies, and not afraid to be sensitive either.  He tells Fivehead that he feels that his lifestyle would destroy any relationship they could have.  Douche-fessional that she needs to find a young soul like her own.

Poor kid.  Hopefully she gets to take all that terrible Ed Hardy clothing home.

- Beer time.  They all confessional about they feel for him and whatever.  We’re OUTTA HERE!

Scenes from the next; Parents.  And he takes another one to the tattoo parlor.  Oh!  And Ambre is 37, she lied about her age.  Bret pretends it matters.  In the second “Scenes” montage we see Destiney’s new tat:

It could be worse. It could be a portrait of Bret in the nude with the words 'Hung like a donkey' in Cholo script

That’s actually not a bad thing.  I mean, eliminated or not, this si a monumental event in her life, and part of the tradition of ink is to mark life-altering times and moments.  I have no problem with this at all.  If it was his name again...that would be one thing, but this seems like a somewhat reasoned ink decision.

You know what pissed me off?  After I cautioned you all to not get excited about the amazing level of “awesomes” coming out of Dbag’s mouth, he stopped saying the word.  Jerk.  I hope his cock turns green.  Greener anyway.

See your monkey asses next week, bitches.


Posted by JimK at 12:31 AM on March 31, 2008
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Categories: TelevisionRock Of LoveRock Of Love 2
Tags: TV, Hair Metal, Bret Michaels, 80s, Poison, Reality, Rock Of Love, VH1
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Comments:

#1  Posted by matthean United States on 04/01 at 03:13 PM -

You know what would have been a good time for Daisy to talk to Bret about all of these issues she has? That one time when they “talked” until the wee hours of the morning.

I’ve been waiting for the parent’s episode just because Ambre’s dad is suppose to be very strict, etc. It gives the chance of some interesting questions to come Bret’s way.

#2  Posted by boobthedog United States on 04/01 at 05:42 PM -

So speaking of washed-up rockers from poison, does this make Bret less of a douche? Somehow I think not.

Anyway, great summary I can’t wait for the parents even though the preview looked uneventful compared to last years. Like they could ever duplicate Lacey’s dad.


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