Mon, 20 Nov 2006 17:01:00
Rino Sightings for 11/20/2006 - The lazy Thanksgiving edition
I’m doing the hosting for the Raging RINOs Sightings this week on a short-notice situation. This was going to be a long, complicated story about the first Thanksgiving with all these funny and witty things that wove all the RINO posts together and included all the standard Thanksgiving jokes. Unfortunately I’m not known for my motivation to actually do things, so I’m resorting to a lazy trick. Just, umm...pretend I was funny and I swear next time I’ll do something more deserving. Consider this the “JimK is lazy, use your imagination” Thanksgiving episode of the RINO Sightings.
Imagine a long preamble that sets up some kind of thanksgiving theme here. I know! How funny is that, right? Good job imagining. I’m funnier in your head than I am in real life. I might be on to something here...anyway:
Bill from INDC Journal is embedding with the Marines. We might actually get some unfiltered news from the Middle East that doesn’t come from Yon or Totten, and I say the more voices the better. Bill needs gear, sat phone, body armor, other stuff. Go. Help. Support independent journalism. Insert witty punchline with Thanksgiving theme here. Now laugh! here comes the transition statement...and, on to the next entry.
Dan from Searchlight Crusade is wondering if creating a “right to health care” isn’t a violation of the Fifth Amendment. There’s a part in there about not taking stuff without just compensation, and he might have a point.
I just made a joke about throwing rolls. Pretend it was hysterical.
MW at Divided We Stand brings up a simple concept that resonates with me: Check your assumptions. It’s a Randian lesson we could do well to learn. Remember, to assume makes an ass of “u” and “me.” Just like your unemployed cousin always makes an ass out of “him” and “self” every Thanksgiving.
OMG! Random turkey joke! The punchline was “and it even fit in the neck-hole!”
Digger, violent over-thrower of the People’s Commissar and watcher of borders brings us the story of a play put on by some middle school kids, only this play is full of racial insensitivity toward Italian-Americans. When people complained, they were told to fuggedaboutit, that the play was the thing and the show must go on.
OK, here I would have done something with turkey tetrazzini and Tony Soprano. It would have been a little offensive and a lot funny. In theory. It may have included something about stuffing Drea de Matteo, which would have been double entendre because she’s dead on the show and she’s hot. Not in that order.
Moving on.
Speaking of big fat men, Don Surber fisked Michael “im in ur kitchen eatin ur piez” Moore. I never met a Moore fisking I didn’t like, no matter how much fisking that numbskull is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Ooh! Fish! Umm...something about Indians and dried fish and that one aunt who always smells like old fish and Newports. Don’t even tell me you don’t have a Newport & fish aunt. They’re mandatory in this country and they always sit next to you at Thanksgiving.
Umm...something something holidays, a time for reflecting on past acts, something about gravy and heroism, and then I make that work with my post on the last episode of Battlestar Galactica entitled Hero. Cheap plug: I write these 2000 word essays on each episode of BSG as they air on Fridays if you’re interested, and there’s a separate category for it of you just want to read those and skip the rest of my inane ramblings.
Cheap plugs...umm...cheap wine, drunken uncle on your dad’s side pawing your mom, umm...drunken pilgrim pawing a squaw. Big punchline! Laugh! Man, I am so funny in theory, I gotta work like this more often. Theoretical comedy is like, easy! Not as easy as this post by Barry at Enrevanche asking Karl Rove to once again order the death of a poorly-performing minion. Still, it’s pretty easy.
Insert transitional joke about squash and nuts here. Guffaw loudly. Thank you.
Something about how greed is the polar opposite of the spirit of thanksgiving, which of course isn’t funny and just brings down the whole room, but then what comedian doesn’t get all preachy on you at some point right? Like we pay a cover and buy three watery drinks just to hear some yabo tell us about the political landscape through teh eyes of his coke habit and the hookers he hires to hold him while he cries.
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah. Greed. From Technography, Bloodspite brings us news of the unbelievable greed surrounding the PS3 release. Greed is apparently not always good despite what Gordon Gecko taught us.
There’s gotta be a joke somewhere in all of this about Pochahantas and poke her...well, you get my drift. Here is where you can imagine I made it, and it’s ribald, hysterical and oh-so-witty!
Speaking of greed, this is classic. Pigilito has this story - an art consultant, who makes a living telling people what art to buy, is saying that art will improve patient health. Nope. No creating your own job security there, folks! Absolutely no conflict of interest. Although, I bet art works better to promote feelings of health than the smallpox-infested blankets settlers in early America gave the Indians.
Oh crap. That was almost a whole joke. I’m sorry. Plus it’s likely an urban (rural?) legend anyway. Pretend that here I wrote something soothing about sharing maize.
Speaking of people who believe complete nonsense, Eric at Classical Values was a victim! Of what? Of the evil dastardly Borat, that’s what! Was he in the film? No. Did he even see the movie at the time he first posted this entry? No. Victim nonetheless! Lawsuit! Media attention! Someone get this man a camera crew and an attorney as soon as possible!
Your deener with the big bird! Eese niice, I laihke! How much to make the sexy time with your woman? You see how I did that? Borat and Thanksgiving. That’s two complete jokes in a row though. I’m not really helping myself to hurry through this like that. Time to get serious and make you imagine the comedy.
Turkey turkey stuffing, green beans, pumpkin pie football. Punchline! (Oh yeah...way easier.)
Gaze into the Mind of Mog: Immigration? Feh. Who needs borders? And for a bonus - Iran crack atom and no one care, Iran crack atom and no one care, Iran crack atom and no one caaaaaaaarre - they’ll make the Jews go boom.
Seriously, who doesn’t think Iran will try to blow up Israel? It’s like thinking that Parson Jodiah and Widow Bettersley aren’t getting it on behind Johnson’s barn as we sit here eating our corn. I’m too lazy to finish this joke, so imagine something about grunting while churning butter, only it’s dirty. Now giggle disapprovingly while secretly enjoying the smuttiness.
You know who doesn’t enjoy funny smut? Syria. You know who else is devoid of appreciation for dirty jokes? Syrian-backed Hezbollah. Jerks. Dane from Danegerus sums it all up with such simplicity: “If Hezbollah didn’t want war they wouldn’t wage… war.”
*LATE ADDITION* Because you always forget that one family member is coming, everyone scooch over to make room for Gary the Ex-Donkey. His contribution? It’s a transcript of the statements of the Democrats lately: Iraq Iraq Iraq Iraq, Iraq Iraq, Iraq Iraq, Iraq-Iraq Iraq Iraq Iraq. Reminds me of that year Granpa wouldn’t talk about anything but his hemorrhoid removal surgery. Insert joke about not eating mincemeat pie ever again!
Well, that’ll do it, folks. Something here about being full after such a feast, tryptophan, hands down pants, maybe an Al Bundy reference and something about even pilgrims retiring to the common room to fart, watch the game and fall asleep.
Happy Thanksgiving, RINOS!
Posted by JimK at 05:01 PM on November 20, 2006
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