Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:15:00
Oww. My ass is way too big.
Last Sunday, due to my huge-ocity and my penchant for leaning way, way back in office chairs, I snapped the leg off of one of those cheap $79 Staples jobs, whereupon I went crashing backward, driving the chair into my back. Topping that off was the fact that I had no other office-style chairs in the house, so I’ve been sitting on a dining room chair all week.
Oww.
Today my special order “Look, I’m a fat bastard” chair arrived. It weighs 71 pounds, it seems to be made entirely of solid cast aluminum and slabs of steel, and it’s covered in three inches of beautiful butt-cushioning foam. Unfortunately it arrived in exactly 46 pieces, Some Assembly Required. During assembly, I think I tore or strained over a dozen muscles, one of them in my hand. My business hand, ifyouknowwhatImean.
Gear change.
Last August, Donna got a lot sicker, and I stopped going to the pool for rehab/working out three times a week. It simply wasn’t feasible to leave her alone in the house. Now, however, things have greatly improved, and she’s going to the same place I went for physical rehab on her back and knee. I have to drive her up there twice a week. To the same building which houses the pool. The same pool of which I am a member and use for rehab therapy and exercise. I have to take her up at 5PM, which is when free swim/exercise starts.
Hear that? That “poof” sound? Didja see the little puff of smoke? That was my last excuse for not getting back to rehabbing my own damn back. Bye little excuse! I’ll miss you!
I’m also buying a heavy bag. I really miss punching the shit out of one of those. My plan now is to go to the pool twice a week while she’s doing her rehab upstairs, and the other three weekdays I will punch the shit out of the bag while I hop around. They say that for overweight people, and sweet momma let me tell you that is me, any exercise done for 18 minutes three times a week will result in weight loss, regardless of heart rate elevation, etc. I’ll be in the pool doing rehab on my back and some cardio for about 45 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and of course pretending to be Chuck Liddell in the basement for 20-ish minutes a day on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Then I will fuck right off for the weekends.
OK my fellow brethren and sistren (that is so not a word) in size - You know I’m one of you. It’s all fat love here. Tell me what you’re doing to try to slow the spread of the ever-increasing ass. I’m going to make another cup of some crazy-ass gourmet coffee and sit in my new lovely chair. No joke, I can literally feel the tension going out of my lower back. All hail The Chair.
Posted by JimK at 04:15 PM on November 09, 2006
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#2 Posted by jo-jo 
on 11/09 at 06:25 PM -
i am spending OBSCENE amounts of money on new york sports club, plus i have a trainer. i only have 2 sessions left, which i’m holding off on using until after my next procedure on my back, which will be 11/17 - i’m a fucking human pin cushion, i tell ya. the cost of the trainer is even more obscene (mommy is helping me out with this 10 pack of sessions).
i’m on weight watchers, but admittedly, i pretend weekends don’t exist on the plan. i’m VERY good during the week (yogurt for breakfast, ww frozen meal for lunch, wonderful husband who cooks dinner and gives me point breakdowns)… but weekends? not so much. also, i just belong online. the meetings are not only inconvenient for people who work more than 9-5, but are so fucking culty they make me want to stab people… and i’m a pacifist! seriously… the last meeting i went to, the woman is all “close your eyes, imagine EVERYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE...” and i’m looking around at all these closed-eyed idiots, and i’m thinking “uh, my life is fanfuckingtastic… i’m just FAT!” and realized i didn’t need to spend $15/week to figure that out ;)
i’m losing nothing. except my patience. i’m hoping this last procedure will be helpful and get rid of a chunk of the remaining pain, so that working out doesn’t screw me up as much as it does, but we shall see.
on 11/09 at 08:34 PM - #4 Posted by w0lver on 11/10 at 11:16 AM -
I did the same thing at my last job, cheap plastic base, always leaning back… The chair broke and I hit the back of my head on the window sill behind me. If you ever want to be really embarrassed, break your chair at work, when falling back scream “Fuck” at the top of your lungs, laps into unconsciousness for a few seconds. It seems the entire office will pack into your space, HR will require a trip to the hospital, and it takes about 6 months for the jokes to reduce to a dull roar. Oh, by the way, the peak when the special chair replacement arrives at the office for you. The only good thing was my “special” chair rocked… smoother rolling, wood accents, better padding, out the ass levels of adjustments. I hear this is the new cool kid’s chair: http://www.steelcase.com/na/think_products.aspx?f=11845
But my ass isn’t worth a grand…
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#1 Posted by xlokix
on 11/09 at 06:20 PM -
What would be the correct term for Sistren?
Maidens?