OH CRAP ZOMG ZOMBIES

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Wed, 19 Sep 2007 01:01:00

Villagers in southern Peru were struck by a mysterious illness after a meteorite made a fiery crash to Earth in their area, regional authorities said Monday.
Around midday Saturday, villagers were startled by an explosion and a fireball that many were convinced was an airplane crashing near their remote village, located in the high Andes department of Puno in the Desaguadero region, near the border with Bolivia.

Residents complained of headaches and vomiting brought on by a “strange odor,” local health department official Jorge Lopez told Peruvian radio RPP.

Seven policemen who went to check on the reports also became ill and had to be given oxygen before being hospitalized, Lopez said.

Ohmygodzombies.

I’m going to hole up in Costco. Anyone wants to join me, you better get in before I weld the doors shut, because after that, fuck all of you, you are zombie food. Unless your name is Krystal Forscutt, in which case all the men in Costco will volunteer to mount a rescue using various shielding and weaponry we make out of crap we find in the warehouse, and then weld onto our golf carts/zombie assault vehicles.

Posted by JimK at 01:01 AM on September 19, 2007
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Comments:

#1 Posted by gcanter on 09/19 at 07:58 AM -

Don’t forget your camera. Might need those experience points…

#2 Posted by Noblebrown on 09/19 at 11:37 AM -

Always make sure to save a round for yourself.

#3 Posted by jo-jo on 09/19 at 01:12 PM -

did you buy this yet? or are you just going to continue to live your life in complete ignorance? GET WITH THE PROGRAM, DAMMIT.

#4 Posted by Rann Aridorn on 09/19 at 02:20 PM -

Eh, the zombie survival guide is okay. If you are in fact dealing with shamblers.

Get a single sprinter in there, though, and try to rely on that thing, and you’re FUCKED.

#5 Posted by jo-jo on 09/19 at 02:29 PM -

i don’t buy into the sprinting zombies concept. ;)

truth be told, despite my own personal fear of guns, don’t think i’m not going to be wherever my brother-in-law jim is with his guns to protect me ;) of course it’ll be under the guise of keeping the family together at costco, but we will all know it’s about self preservation (and my love for those HUGE tubs of cookie dough that costco carries....)

#6 Posted by cashin on 09/19 at 03:09 PM -

gcanter wins comment of the century

#7 Posted by JimK on 09/19 at 03:16 PM -

1. I have purchased the handbook...Amazon is whisking it to me now. I only hope it arrives before the driver is turned.

2. Rann - I will apply defense tactics against sprinters, should any arise, as if they were alive, super-fast shock troops trying to assault my perimeter. Mines, laser tripwires, home-made cannons made from plumbing that are loaded with drywall screws, and sniper teams on the roof should handle any fast movers on the ground. I hope. What worries me is if there are fast movers, they might be able to think, and what if one of them can fly a chopper? I may need to come up with an anti-air solution just in case.

3. Jody: We must ration the cookie dough. We don’t know how long this apocalypse will last! We should probably mix it up a little and work on the meat department and, of course, the very large Fun Paks of candy. That will help. Plus, we can make a lot of French Onion dip for the miles of potato chips. Variety is the key to any apocalyptic diet. :)

#8 Posted by jo-jo on 09/19 at 03:22 PM -

i take it i can go off my diet for the apocalypse?

#9 Posted by working_man on 09/19 at 06:52 PM -

The moment I saw this article I thought the same thing - the undead are upon us.

There are no such things as sprinters…

#10 Posted by Rann Aridorn on 09/19 at 07:24 PM -

There are no such things as sprinters…

Just like there are no such things as zombies, amirite?

#11 Posted by jo-jo on 09/19 at 07:27 PM -

everyone knows zombies exist.

sprinters, however, are pure hollywood fabrication. ;)

#12 Posted by Rann Aridorn on 09/19 at 07:32 PM -

Yeah, but the guy’s working with second-hand info. Where’s his first-hand cred, huh?!

#13 Posted by jo-jo on 09/19 at 07:37 PM -

whose first hand cred, rann?

#14 Posted by Joe R. on 09/19 at 10:19 PM -

1) I think the speed of a zombie will be inversely proportional to how long it’s been dead. A fresh corpse might move on the fast side, but as it decays it should slow down.

2) I’m set up pretty good at my worksite. Got generators, a kitchen, water treatment, surrounded by a 7 foot tall fence on 4 sides, in a rural area with farms & shit (and a low population density), near a gas station and I have hand pumps to pull fuel out of the ground with, got welding equipment to armor vehicles and create weapons.

3) The hardest part of the z-pocalypse will be pretending I’m not excited.

#15 Posted by Christian on 09/19 at 11:40 PM -

There are no such things as sprinters…

Amen. Thats just nonsense.

When I read about this on Fark, I totally thought the same thing about Zombies taken over Peru. What would be really kewl is if we could get hunten licenses and bag a few.

On a side note, while we all agree that US of A is the greatest country ever created on God’s green earth, why is it that is seems there are just more hot model like foreign womens? Is it that they encourage their women to show their boobs more while all we get is drunken whores with no panties?

#16 Posted by Rann Aridorn on 09/20 at 12:23 AM -

You guys realize that in the Horror Movie Survival Guide, which takes precedence over the Zombie Survival Guide, saying something like “there is no such thing as ______” is a sure way of guaranteeing that not only does it in fact exist, but it’s going to kill you before the movie’s over?

#17 Posted by JimK on 09/20 at 12:35 AM -

Peoples, while I subscribe to the “length of time you’re dead determines your speed” theory - and I maintain that true sprinters are from 28 Days and are not technically zombies - Rann has an excellent point. We should proceed as though zombie sprinters not only exist, but could overrun us at any moment. Better to be safe and zombie-free. I’m laying *two* minefields.

#18 Posted by Joe R. on 09/20 at 12:54 AM -

Hard to argue with that reasoning.

#19 Posted by Rann Aridorn on 09/20 at 01:00 AM -

Well, see, I classify anything that can move above a slow shuffle as a sprinter. Like the zombies in Dawn of the Dead, which tend to just shuffle aimlessly until presented with an opportunity for food, at which point you see deadly bursts of speed.

I actually think that good, strong barbed wire and plenty of rows of it would be a better deterrent to any kind of zombie than land mines. Land mines are more likely to wind up being deadly to you, too, but barbed wire’s going to tangle up pretty much any sort of zombie, praying on their lessened dexterity and inability to really consider their surroundings.

Unless they’re Return of the Living Dead zombies, in which case we’re all completely and totally fucked, may as well just blow our brains out right now.

#20 Posted by jo-jo on 09/20 at 01:10 AM -

personally, i’m beginning to wonder if this whole “sprinter” concept is some sort of vast right-wing conspiracy designed to elicit fear in the minds of us innocent and fun-zombie-loving liberals.

i’m just sayin’.... ;)

[i totally spelled that “illicit” at first. i blame the fact i’m pulling an all-nighter writing litigation papers]

#21 Posted by JimK on 09/20 at 02:54 AM -

Land mines are more likely to wind up being deadly to you, too, but barbed wire’s going to tangle up pretty much any sort of zombie, praying on their lessened dexterity and inability to really consider their surroundings.

Excellent suggestion. Here’s the new plan: 25 feet of razor and barbed wire with an *outer* perimeter of mines that shoot ball bearings. That way they shatter leg bones, those undead fuckers will have to crawl for their dinner. Only they’ll meet the wire and get stuck.

Plus the cannons and snipers. Ooh! And if we can rig ‘em, flamethrowers.

#22 Posted by JimK on 09/20 at 02:57 AM -

personally, i’m beginning to wonder if this whole “sprinter” concept is some sort of vast right-wing conspiracy designed to elicit fear in the minds of us innocent and fun-zombie-loving liberals.

Well, Dick Cheney is a zombie, so maybe you’re on to something. No man can survive that many heart attacks. I think he’s running some kind of zombie research facility, ala Day…

BTW:

i take it i can go off my diet for the apocalypse?

If you can’t go off a diet for the zombie apocalypse, when the hell can you?

#23 Posted by Joe R. on 09/20 at 03:43 AM -

Peanut butter filled pretzels are a known zombie repellent, so knock yourself out.

#24 Posted by Mazz on 09/21 at 01:16 AM -

Will the picture tag work? If not… JIM!!!

#25 Posted by JimK on 09/21 at 01:52 AM -

First and last line of defense: the shotgun.

#26 Posted by Christian on 09/21 at 11:10 AM -

You have heard the “official” story now that the meteor wasn’t a meteor but instead a guyser, and that no one actually got sick.

Uh huh

I ain’t buyen it. They just want you to believe that. Time to hunker down.

#27 Posted by Rann Aridorn on 09/21 at 03:07 PM -

That… does sound like a strange shift in story…

#28 Posted by jo-jo on 09/22 at 02:55 PM -

john just pointed out that the reason why costco is not a good idea is that you will not only be protecting yourself from zombies, but from pirates (ARRRRR) and other people trying to get in and take over your happy little land. he then suggested a prison as being a safe place, because you have all those barriers, and you can make a garden right in the yard, etc. but i pointed out the issue of those pesky criminals who may be smart enough to realize they’re safe where they are. but i guess that’s when we call you in with the guns.... ;)

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Wed, 19 Sep 2007 01:01:00