Tue, 24 Jan 2006 04:39:00
Bonfire of the Vanities #134
What makes for good blogging? Ask a hundred bloggers and you’re likely to get approximately 53.65 different answers. This post has nothing at all to do with any of them. This is Wizbang’s 134th Bonfire of the Vanities, a collection of blog posts self-identified by their authors as the worst or lamest thing they’ve written. Think of it as the exact opposite of that Eric Roberts movie. This is the Best of the Worst, and the Korean team isn’t going to respect you when it’s over.
Before I get started...I was going to theme this with something offensive and try to fit everyone’s posts into this framework of dirty talk and odd sex terms, but then I realized not everyone is comfortable knowing what a Blumpkin or a Candy Cane is. Instead my theme is boring...chronological. My goal is to flow these entries, one to the other, in the order in which I received them. I will likely fail horribly and you should all be ashamed for me. Then again, y’all wrote this crap, don’t be hatin’ on the messenger and stuff. ;)
So...like...poop. Everybody poops, and some people have to power-poop for medical reasons, but it takes a Mad Macedonian to elevate the discussion to the realm of poetry...a poop of beauty is a joy forever.
Speaking of beauty...how ‘bout that Mama Moonbat? She’s a looker, right? Boy does Peace Moonbeam miss her daily antics. Of course, some people miss prison rape when they’re released, so...no accounting for taste, right?
That brings us to people with no taste. After all, who hates cute and fuzzy pets? FMF the animal hater, that’s who. They say the Instapundit eats puppies. I bet FMF convinces families they are going to be poor and destitute unless they give up the pets and that’s where Glenn gets his supply. (OK...in all seriousness, this is a post reminding people that pets have real costs, and is a good message. If you can look past the puppy-hating.)
People who hate animals give me the vapors. Luckily, Ellison has just the remedy I need to treat my affliction. Thank the heavens for Prolonuclein Powders and B&L Preparation, a fine intestinal eleminant. See, we’re back to the poop again. Bonfire of the Poopities.
OK, that wasn’t poetic at all. “Poopities?” What a terrible word. I’m obviously no al-Zawahiri. Me and Mike Ditka: non-poetical.
Sometimes I think people are just mean when they point out my flaws. I’m not alone...bloggers are always being less than sensitive. Poor wicked witch…
Sometimes though, bloggers can be spot-on in pointing out flaws. Never has so much been said by one with so few words.
Speaking of flaws...maybe we’re not doing things right around here anymore. Remember when playing outside with a stick was like, the best part of your day? I don’t...sticks are dumb, and have no batteries by which to create beeps and boops, whech we all know is the hallmark of a great toy. Mensa Barbie says we all suck. Well, she didn’t say exactly that, but I can read between the lines. She’s just jealous because no one wants the Dreamhouse anymore.
See how I jump at things and make connections that normal people dismiss as “stupid” or “insane?” I’f I had a nickel. Of course, I’m not alone...Sean managed to connect a bird’s lack of navigation skills to Oregon’s assisted suicide law. Dude...that’s almost as bad as connecting a dot that says Bush took a line photo with a criminal lobbyist to a dot that says he must be on the take. Then again, the poeple putting that theory forth also voted for Kerry, so…
Heh...Bush. I still giggle a little every time. Bush...loving Bush, hating Bush, Bush Derangement Syndrome...which until he got elected was a fear of pubic hair. I have that. 70s porn frightens me.
That might be too much personal information. I apologize. Back to the Bonfire. Let’s talk about sex(y). Sexy: Girls on cars. I can’t say anything cute or funny about this topic, because it’s Girls. On. Cars. My brain stopped working when Spirit Fingers threw in Asian girls on cars. Oh, who am I kidding, my brain stopped working years ago, as soon as I realized sex sells and that I didn’t mind. Just wish I could get some of that crazy blog money like Digger. Six cents? Man.
How do you get crazy blog money? I guess you have to take controversial stances on the issues of the day. Sort of like Kate did here. Housework sucks. Man...she went way out on that limb.
Nothing inspires controversy like offending the Prince of Evil. Crazy blog money will be rolling Brian J’s way any minute now!
OK...I know...less than funny. In fact, this whole Bonfire is unfunny. It’s because I’m not Jewish. Maybe I should just convert for the jokes.
I apologize for this whole thing. Ever since the second paragraph, I’ve been thinking about chili-dogging Angelina Jolie. That, and how I need money.
Posted by JimK at 04:39 AM on January 24, 2006
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