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Thu, 22 Feb 2007 22:37:01

American Idol Week 5 - Results and elimination

Seriously, 5 hours a week is too much.  We need it to be an hour performance and a half-hour results show.

Anyway...onward and downward.

32 million votes.

- Wow, Paula’s SO high.  You could extract all the drugs from the flesh of Britney, Lindsay and Paris, plus the body of Anna Nicole and it wouldn’t equal the amount of opiates in Paula Abdul’s system right now.  William S. Burroughs called her last week to say he was concerned with the amount of drugs she.s on.

For the umpteenth bajillion time in the last 24 hours, we’re treated to the opinion that the girls did better than the guys.  Now...we all know that if we watched the shows.  Why do I need multiple segments on the results show to tell me that again?  We’re on the second segment - the first was the live chatter, and the second was a produced package.  OK.  I GET IT.  This show could easily be a half hour if you cut the crap.

OH GOD GROUP SONG.  And they’re ruining Tears For Fears song.  FUCK YOU, IDOL.  This is why God invented fast-forward.  I hate, with the passion of, say, a Spartan Warrior facing down a Persian, these group songs.

- Sligh just kissed some Cowell ass.  Smart boy.  The row they just called up includes Paul Kim.  DEAR GOD PLEASE LET HIM NOT BE SAFE.

Brandon Rogers - safe.  VoteForTheWorst saved Sundance Head.  Chris Richardson - safe.  Nick Pedro - Safe.  Blake Lewis- Safe Paul Kim is OUTTA HERE!  YES!  That’s what I wanted to see.  Get your gimmicky bare feet the hell off my TV.

Once again I’d like to voice my complaint and confusion at how they handle this.  Paul Kim was just voted the least favorite male performer in the group.  America hates him.  We want to see him gone.  So how do they respond?  By umm...making us watch him sing the same song that we hated the first time.

THIS SHOW COULD BE A HALF-HOUR IF YOU CUT THIS SHIT OUT, FOX!  Again, my fast-forward works, so…

- I caught something again - All the girls are holding hands, pushed up on each other, one is touching LaKisha.  Straight.  Bitches.  Jealous and catty whores to a woman.  Fuck all of them.  Except maybe Melinda Doolittle.  She seems nice.

Antonella is at the end of the line, last time that was the one going home...could we be so lucky?  Somehow I don’t think the Gods will bless me so.

Jordin Sparks - safe.  Stephanie Edwards- safe.  Sabrina Sloan - safe.  Leslie Hunt - safe.  Melinda Doolittle - Safe.  Antonella is fucking safe.  I CURSE VOTE FOR THE WORST DOT COM!  FROM HELL’S HEART I WILL STAB AT THEE!

Amy gets called up solo and gets the boot.  She looks like she just got kicked in the mouth.  Fast-forward!  If we liked her, we’d have voted for her.

- The American Idol Challenge - If you have a cell, you answer a question.  If you win, you get 10 grand.  The question is pretty stupid, and it costs 99 cents to enter.  What Idol’s album is named Breakaway?  So basically they are going to make a profit off the text message charges from people who don’t go to the Idol website ad enter for free.

- Could I care less about Fantasia?  This is just filler so they can sell more ad ti////OH MY GOD did Ryan Seacrest just cut Quincy fucking Jones off when he was trying to explain what The Color Purple was about?  Dude, even I know that’s frigging disrespectful and I crap all over this show like it was being filmed in the bottom of my toilet.

The song seems to be from the point of view of the Whoopie Goldberg character from the movie.  The problem is it’s a terrible song.  Broadway doesn’t have to suck.  Why don’t people write decent songs anymore?  This song may as well just be reading straight from the script.  There’s no artistry to the lyrics.  There’s no lyricism, no metaphor, nothing.  It’s just freaking literally Celie’s lines from the movie!

Meh. Crapular.

- The remaining 5 ladies are lined up.  Haley Scarnato - safe.  LaKisha Jones - Winner.  Also, safe.  Gina Glocksen - safe.  Alaina Alexander and Nicole Tranquillo are left.  Kick either one off and I’m happy.

Nicole Tranquillo gets kicked.  Good.  I hate that fake black soul shit she does.  Time to go back home and keep pissing off your grandmother by dating the brothas, you big pile of fake.  No one cares what Paula Abdul thinks about your stupid voice.  Fast-forward.

- Final 6 dudes.  Chris Sligh - safe.  Phil Stacey - safe.  Jared Cotter - safe.  AJ Tabaldo - safe.  Could it be?  Could the Indian Lief Garrett be going home?  Is Sanjaya Malakar leaving?  Naww...the ladies love that hair.  I gues sthey can’t tell he doesn’t reciprocate that attraction…

Anyway, the Hispanic Happy Gilmore goes home. Rudy Cardenas, get to steppin.  Now we fast-forward the montage at the end, fast-forward his song and...we’re done. Oh look, it only took a half-hour to watch!  Fuck you, Fox.

Posted by JimK at 10:37 PM on February 22, 2007
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Categories: TelevisionAmerican Idol


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