American Idol Week 4 - Best and worst of the rest

Next week is Hollywood Week...but before that, we get a night of the best and worst auditions we never saw.  Can’t wait (he said, deadpan and with a dead look in his eye).

OH MY GOD is this two hours long?  Oh I hate you, Idol.  I hate you so, so much.

We start with some lessons about how to audition. 

Lesson 1 - The Look.  “The one thing we’ve learned is that a snappy little outfit might be just the thing you need to stand out from the crowd.” No.  No it isn’t. Wearing crazy costumes violates Rule number 2!

Our first example of what not to do is Christa Fazzino...a self-described “very unique individual.” Her look was like, Gidget meets Jackie O meets wannabe S&M girl meets fry cook.  She had checked pedal-pusher pants, a zip-up fake corset over a tube top, what looked like some curtains for a wrap, and an open-top pillbox hat.  And something around her throat, probably to hide the bruises from when she makes her boyfriend choke her during sex.  She was also wearing one opera-length black glove and one opera length white glove.  I think I saw a Star trek episode like that once.  Anyway, her singing sucks.  Who cares.

Heh...after everyone criticized her, she’s all “Well if that’s how y’all feel can I do something else?” Completely deadpan, with a totally straight face Simon says “Juggle.”

These people have no idea how much he despises them sometimes.  Gotta love that British sense of humor…

Oh no, she breaks down and cries, and Paula caves in and gives her a yes.  Like, seriously.  Paula’s an idiot.

- Then we get a big strappin girl named Tami Gosnell who hauls one of those manual cabs around, like a rickshaw, just not Asian.  If this woman isn’t a stereotypical butch lesbian I will eat...something.  Not anything of hers, mind you, because she scares me and I think it will smell like a cannery and steroids.  Anyway...she’s actually pretty open and fun, all smiles and easy going.  Doesn’t seem self-conscious or nervous at all.

Wow, she can really sing in a dirty bluesy style.  It seems like it should be affected, the sort of slurry, drunky blues voice, but it comes off as totally natural.  She reminds me of Janis Joplin only not as scratchy.  I would put her through in a heartbeat without a moment’s hesitation.  Donna says she sounds a lot like Beth Hart, and Beth sells records...Hopefully Simon hears that as well.

He does.  He totally hears it, he gave her high praise indeed from Grouchy McStingypraise.  Golden Ticket.  She was really good...I say top 12 material right there.  I’m looking forward to hearing her sing, and there haven’t been many that I give a rat’s ass about.

- Commercial break, then Lesson 2 - Seek Inspiration.  It’s a montage of people who are telling the camera what singers inspired them to audition, leading to…

- Paul Kim, motivated by William Hung...mainly because Kim feel like Hung kind of embarrassed all Asians.  He has a deep, smoky R&B voice.  It’s actually really good, but I wouldn’t buy his record, it’ll be R&B pop stuff.  He needs help with phrasing...he’s really boyband, and he has some pronunciation issues and he sings from the top of his throat - that will lead to sore throats and eventually polyps, but yeah...with a coach I could see him doing something in a boyband.

He got yes answers all the way around.  Golden ticket.

- Jack Odanovich, inspired by Bo Bice’s a capella “In A Dream” performance from two years ago.  Of course he;s freaking terrible!  He’s extremely dorktastic - think Bill Gates and Jason Biggs had a baby and then punched in the face a lot.  He sounds like every tone-deaf warbler you have ever heard///OH MY GOD that note could break an eardrum.  OK, dork, you fulfilled the terms of the bet you had with the other members of your World of Warcraft guild, now leave.  Don’t you need to get to level 50 before the weekend?

- Lesson 3 - Never Give Up.  A montage of repeat auditioners leading to…

- Gina Glocksen from Season 5.  Think Joan Jett after three or four months eating nothing but In-And-Out Burger double doubles.  MMM...doubledouble.  Anyway...she’s picking Black Velvet.

STOP SINGING BLACK VELVET!  JUST STOP IT!

Gina doesn’t do it well at all.  What is with these chicks that always think they can sing that damn song?  She might be able to sing something else, maybe, her voice isn’t terrible, but for the love of Mike, unless you sound EXACTLY as good as Alanah Myles - or better - DO NOT SING BLACK VELVET.  In fact, that should be rule number four on American Idol.

Rule number 1 - No Props.  EVER.
Rule number 2 - No costumes.  EVER.
Rule number 3 - No auditioning with a twin, sibling, cousin or friend
Rule number 4 - NO BLACK VELVET.  EVER!

I’d have a sign, like the “No Stairway” sign in Wayne’s World, right on that locked door:

Back to Gina.  She loves Simon, so of course he says she has taste.  :) Three yes answers for that performance, and they had to think about poor Ashlyn Carr from last night?  That girl initially gets rejected over making funny faces, and this chick botches Black Velvet and gets ushered through to Hollywood like she killed it?

Some days I wonder if the judges are losing their hearing or if I am.

- Montage of women that love Simon, then a montage of people who hate Randy, then people that love Drunky McXanax leading to

- Paula’s number one stalker fan, Edward Sanchez.  He totally does Paula’s “Straight Up” dance moves for the camera.  She lets him molest her for a minute before he starts the audition, so that’s good for him.

Simon: “Well, give her a mustache and they’re separated at birth, these two” Paula and Edward are exactly the same size.  Cute.  Of course he cannot possibly sing for hell or high water.  He’s supposed to be singing “Oh Donna” by Ritchie Valens.  About three notes in, he’s singing the right words, but he’s actually singing the melody to another song...it’s oddly like the Star Spangled Banner blended with “Oh Donna.” Pretty craptacular and weird, but hey, he got to paw a menopausal, high-as-a-kite Paula Abdul, so it’s all good in the hood, G.

Damn, damn, daa-aamn, Paula is crazy high in this clip.  Obviously all no answers all the way around.

- Montage of people working their day jobs, leading to…

- A whole fucking group of annoying, trendyfuck little idiots who work as carhops at some place called Frisco’s.  They violate three of the four rules above.  They have props, are in uniform and are all together.  Plus, they’re named Ashley, Heather and Ebony (yes, she’s black).  FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR FUCKING STUPID PARENTS FOR THOSE NAMES.  They set my teeth on edge almost immediately...it’s the empty-airhead way they have about them.

This leads to Lesson 4 - Audition On Your Own.  See?  didn’t I tell you?

They are so fucking valleyspeak annoying.  And they are on roller skates.  DIE IN A FIRE.  Up first: Heather Rennie.  She can almost carry a tune, but she;s not qualified for this.  Up next, Ashley Cleland trying to sing Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel.” OK...there are a few perfect songs in the world.  Very few.  Songs that at one point or another have been song so well, so perfectly, that no one else should go near them with a ten foot pole.

“Angel” is one of them.  No one will EVER sing it as well as Sarah did for this iTunes exclusive EP she did...just leave it alone.  Ashley beats it to death and abuses the melody. 

Up last is Ebony Jointer, and she decides to kind of lightly slap Whitney’s “I Believe” around a little.  It wasn’t bad, this girl has a voice.  Maybe if they can separate her from her two stupid fucking friends she has a chance at making something out of her voice.  She’s got good raw talent.

Heather gets no’s all the way around.  Ashley gets a yes from Randy, some advice about makeup from Paula (and then calls Paula old!) and a yes, Ebony gets a yes all around.  Two golden tickets, and poor Heather gets to go back to getting her ass pinched and snapping her gum at truckers and cops.  Whatevs.

- Some stuff about the Idol songwriting contest, and this leads us to a montage of idiots singing original songs.

Faithon Gooding (that’s a guy, BTW).  His song is named “Do It, Do It To Ya” and that’s pretty much the entire lyric.  Then we get Melissa Furlaak (I totally just pictured Bill The Cat throwing up when I read her name) and her song “Flow This Desert.” Based on title alone, I would have thought it was a Live song, Ed Kowalczyk loves those pseudo-hippie bullshit names.  No...this girl is an operatic nightmare, as Donna so delicately phrased it.  I don’t know what the fuck she sang.  Next is Brandon Reid, who just beat boxed for about a half-hour in his original titled “Talk to Me (Baby Girl).  And you know it took him like a week to think up that parenthetical. He probably went through a bunch of different choices, like one was called “Talk to me (I’m so fucking lonely)” and one was called “Talk to Me (Or you could just touch it like I paid you to do, you Bensonhurst streetwalker).  Anyway...he started beat boxing and interspersing the words.

This, ladies and gentlemen, was all but prelude to W.E.S.  William Emil Samland.  Is that like how the computer in Wargames was named W.O.P.R. but was really named War Operation Plan Response?  I have a bad feeling about this, kid.

Singing is...for me...something that...expresses...my feelings.” Yes, with all those pauses.  Bald as a cueball, with a bright orange satin shirt.  I’m not feeling like this is

His song is called “Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry.” Hey, it rhymes...that’s good.  Well, it’s awful, and he stomps his feet to keep the time...which may be understandable on some level, but Christ it looks ridiculous.  My favorite part was that he worked in a reference to cement trowels.

It’s never ever over till you throw in the towel
If you want it smooth you gotta push on that trowel.

Which is actually terrible advice for you bricklayers out there, and anyone who might be pouring their own sidewalk.  You slide the trowel, you never push it.  Oh, the irony.

STOMP...CLAP...STOMP...CLAP...STOMP...CLAP...STOMP-STOMP CLAP!

Simon - “How do you think you did?
W.E.S. - “I think it was great.”

No.

- Lesson 5 - Shake Your Money Maker? Note the question mark.  The answer?  Unless you are frigging fantastic, then no...otherwise you may end up looking like a gay panther.  Montage of - what else? - bad dancing set to C&C Music Factory’s “Everybody Dance Now.” Man, I still love that stupid song.  In 1993, I blew out a pair of 300 watt car stereo speakers with that song.

This leads us to Alex Nazario, who is a weirdo from top to bottom.  Think Ricky from My So Called Life, only not smart, much more gay, really bad Justin Guarini hair (barely restrained by a pony tail holder) and a thick, Puerto Rican accent with a lisp.  Remember the guy from Seinfeld?  “Who doesn’t want to wear thee reebon?!?” That guy’s voice, only not as deep.  More Michael Jackson.  Nothing about this dude says “sane.” Especially his off-key falsetto.  Wow...this guy just took one of Jim Steinman’s master works and kicked it in the fucking balls.

He can sorta dance, with some instruction he could be one of the tour guys that backs people like Christina.  He isn’t very good right now but he moves like a dancer who just hasn’t been trained.  He can’t sing for shit though.  Goodbye!

- Lesson 6 - Clarity. A montage of mumbles, bad accents and generally fucking-it-uppedness.  We get to play a round of name that song!  OK, I’m gonna play along right here.

1. No fucking idea.  It’s supposed to be “Let’s Stay Together” but it’s just nowhere near that song.
2. Is that a John Denver song>?  I can hum it!  Fuck.  Dunno.  “Annie’s Song!” Crap.
3. Big Bopper...WHAT THE FUCK?  This is “Chantilly Lace.” Oh my God.  That’s what that girl was singing?  She’s the one where Simon said ‘This is like a language I’ve never heard before.” Wow.  “Chantilly Lace,” huh?  That was amazing.

- Lakisha Jones is up next.  She delivers that “My voice is like no other” line, so...I’m scared.  She’s gonna sing some Aretha.  You better be really great or really, really funny/awful, girl.

WOW!  She can sing her plus-sized ASS off!  She really does the whole Queen of Soul vibe really really well.  EASY golden ticket here, no doubt in my mind.  She’s also extremely confident and personable.  She can wail.  Maybe the best female singer so far this year.  Yes’s all the way around.  Look for her to fill the Mandisa role.  She’s a better singer though.

- No more auditions!  Finally we can get to a baseline of half-decent singers on this singing competition.  The show ends with a montage of weird and funny moments so far.

Donna just made an excellent point - they are laying way off the people who are obviously mentally handicapped.  I’m thinking they heard the criticisms from weeks one and two.

172 people are going to Hollywood.  Battle of the sexes.  Lots of crying.  Can’t wait to wallow in their misery!

I am so glad the auditions are over…

Posted by JimK at 10:43 PM on February 07, 2007
Permalink | Trackbacks (0) | Email to a friend |

Categories: Television,  American Idol
Tags:
Technorati: American Idol Paula Abdul Randy Jackson Simon Cowell

Post a Comment:

The trackback URL for this entry is: http://www.right-thoughts.us/index.php/trackback/2908/lk98Jyhk/

Trackbacks:

No trackbacks yet.