Tue, 01 May 2007 06:01:00
5:53 AM - A conversation with myself
Me: Come on! The sun came up like an hour ago! Can I please go to sleep now?
My Brain: Ha! Why would I let you do that? Your nose itches, by the way.
Me: Seriously, I have to go to that doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I’d like to get a few hours sleep before I have to get up and drive the car. In traffic. Where I could kill someone if I’m not paying attention? You know, because you won’t let me fucking sleep?
My Brain: Oh stop whining you big baby. Hey, remember that time when you were like seven and you rode your big wheel off that cliff at your first school? Also, your leg itches and you need to stretch it now.
Me: It wasn’t a cliff! It was like a three foot high retainer wall and yes, I remember it. It has no bearing on what I am asking, which is to sleep!
My Brain: Whatever. Hey, are you going to go to the grocery store after that doctor’s appointment? Because if you are we need chicken and you should get some more grapes, and maybe some fish. Did you notice that twitch in your eye yet? Because it’s really bothering you and it needs to be rubbed this very instant or your entire head will simply explode. Also this CPAP mask is trying to eat your face and kill you and squeeze your face like a pimple and you’re going to die in about a week if you take it off. Sleep on that, asshole.
Me: STOP FUCKING WITH ME AND LET ME SLEEP! I swear to Christ I will stab you with a fork.
My Brain: Hey, how much money do you have in the bank? I bet it’s not enough to cover the bills this month, and you know what happens then, right? Yep...they’re taking the house, your computers and the cats, and then you lose your wife, because that’s what happens to people who don’t sleep. SCRATCH YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW, BEHIND THE LEFT EAR! NOW THE TOP! NOW AT THE LEFT TEMPLE! ITCH ITCH ITCH!
Me: I hate you.
My Brain: I’m not your biggest fan either, fat boy. For the love of God roll over, there is no way you are comfortable like this.
Me: That’s it. Drug time. I tried to do this the nice way.
My Brain: You cannot defeat me. My will is strong. I have the force. Midichlorians, bitch. And that ryhmes with itch, which is what your nose is doing right this very instant and if you don’t scratch it, surely you will go mad.
Me: Midichlorians were so stupid they made Jar-Jar look good by comparison.
My Brain: Excuses, excuses. So, have you answered those emails you starred in Gmail yet, lazy, useless jerk of a person? Your friends already hate you, you may as well compound the problem by never responding to them. Dishes aren’t done again. Sneeze! When was the last time you vacuumed this shithole? Your arm itches. Do you ever plan to do anything about that futon frame? Guess what? You’re not sleeping. Not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping not sleeping.
Me: Alright now you’re not even trying. That’s just pathetic.
My Brain: Shut up, loser. Remember when you fargled the framas that time and the...kittens. Cute overload is awesome. Fuzzy fuzzy kittehs! Scratch your thingy and skritch a kitteh! Ducks.
Me: Heh...welcome to Ambien, bitch.
My Brain: Fracking frelling fuggledy bitch bastard i’ll get you and your little dog too...I know where you live...we’ll always have tomorrow night...and parisssszzzzzzz…
Me: I think I won this round, but why do I feel like I still lost?
Posted by JimK at 06:01 AM on May 01, 2007
Permalink | Trackbacks (0) | Email to a friend |
Categories: Personal
Tags:
Technorati: sleep ambien
Comments:
#3 Posted by ErikTheRed 
on 05/01 at 01:03 PM -
I used to have that problem. I’m learning to control it through breathing. I can force myself to sleep about 95% of the time now - even if I have a caffeine buzz going. Pretty fucking cool.
#4 Posted by mgnmfrc1 on 05/01 at 03:00 PM -
I used to have that problem. I’m learning to control it through breathing
Share with the class dude, how does it work!
#6 Posted by Harley W Daugherty on 05/01 at 06:55 PM -
damm, and i thought i was teh only one.
#7 Posted by Drumwaster on 05/01 at 07:17 PM -
Share with the class dude, how does it work!
I do that, too. Since I am very visually based, visualization of a crowded scene (say, at a shopping mall with lots of people and lots of background noise). Very detailed, as specific as I can imagine. Breathing control is also very important (in a four-beat rhythm - inhale - hold - exhale - hold - repeat).
Then I take the escalator “down” to the next level of the mall. Fewer shops, fewer people, less “noise”. I “wander around”, getting used to the reduced concerns, then “go down” one more level. Just a few shops, only one or two people, and the conversations are muted.
One last level, and it’s nice and quiet, with very soft floors, and I just relax that last little bit and listen to the music in my head.
If I suddenly have a cocktail party of mental hubbub around me, I just keep going down the levels until I am the only one around, and mine is the only “voice” I hear.
Then I sleep. (Trust me, your body will already be asleep.)
#8 Posted by ErikTheRed on 05/01 at 09:12 PM -
Share with the class dude, how does it work!
I don’t do any visualizations like Drumwaster, I just practice diaphragmatic breathing and count my breaths. I don’t think I’ve ever made it past 200. On a good night, 20 - 30 will knock me out.
Supposedly it’s the most efficient way to breathe and there’s a lot of hippie-dippie shit associated with it, but at least for me it does stop racing thoughts. When I catch myself with the racing thoughts again it’s always in concert with screwing up the breathing. It takes a bit of practice (give it a few weeks) and your mileage may vary, consult your doctor and get a physical first, don’t blame me if it makes your house burn down, blah blah blah.
Here’s the Wikipedia Link, if you need more than Google is your friend.
#9 Posted by mgnmfrc1 on 05/01 at 10:50 PM -
Sweet, thanks!
Jim, I think my brain and your brain need to have coffee sometime!
#10 Posted by Christian on 05/02 at 09:04 PM -
Jim, dude, been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the tattoo for the effort. UGH. People who don’t have true insomnia do not know how focked up it is. The worse is when your so tired you can’t keep your eyes open, but your totally awake. Its like that dude in the Metalica video.
Eric and Drum’s suggestions really do work, but sometimes the mind is just our worse enemy. I’d take a hit out on it, but it knows all my passwords so how could I could I get on my...um...news sites without it?
#11 Posted by Drumwaster on 05/02 at 11:07 PM -
The worse is when your so tired you can’t keep your eyes open, but your totally awake.
Toss in the random shooting pain (roughly resembling the feeling of someone pounding a nail through my foot, in time with my pulse), and you have described my most recent “white night”.
The worst part about it? NOTHING on TV - reruns of earlier programs or infomercials trying to sell me on some new vitamin program or real estate speculation…
And there’s only just so much softcore porn you can watch before it gets boring…
#12 Posted by Christian on 05/03 at 12:14 AM -
Toss in the random shooting pain (roughly resembling the feeling of someone pounding a nail through my foot, in time with my pulse)
As a diabetic, I get those pains all the time in my feet. I just got on a new med that helps with this, but still...Every once in a while i get these stabbing pains in my toes like someone jabbing me with a needle.
And you are soooo right about tv. If I have to see that damn infomercial for that damn sammich maker again, I will poke my own eyes out. No, you old douche, bread and pie filling do not make a good dessert, they make soggy cherry bread.
RSS (Subscribe)
Tip jars (Donate today!)
fucking freak ;)