Thursday, November 15, 2007
Heroes - Four Months Ago
OK, I know, it’s late. I just cannot get the Heroes post up on time!
OK, so this episode was supposed to answer questions about events from the finale onward. Here’s what I suspect; Tim Kring wasn’t real happy with season two so far, we know that because he apologized to us. So, he took a look at how the season was playing out while making it and decided to throw us a bone. Only it had to be written fast...if I’m right, that would explain why it’s got a few holes and/or errors.
- Nathan. Not enough time for everything that he and mom talked while standing in Peter’s aprtment (in 2x01) about to develop. I’m not buying that giant-ass beard in a few weeks either.
- Peter. The Peter that flew in and saved Nathan had FuturePeter’s emo-boy haircut and was wearing totally different clothes than PresentPeter (who just exploded, or radiated an explosion, or something). It was the Peter that FutureHiro met in String Theory. The one that was with Nikki. BUT...that same guy was zapped by LightningGirl and held in the joint with Adam. Why doesn’t he remember he’s Futurepeter? If he does, there was absolutely no indication of it. he was acting like PresentPeter, the one who explod-a-radiated.
Question: Did PresentPeter ever meet DL? I can’t remember. I don’t think the final fight with Sylar counts. If he didn’t, then the Peter that is with Adam HAS to be FuturePeter. If he did, then we still have a screwup because the one that saved Nathan was NOT the same as the one that explod-a-radiated.
Anyway, it was nice to see how he ended up in a shipping container.
- DL - WTF? DL died from the wounds received in Linderman’s office, didn’t he? Jessinikki and Micah went to his grave. What am I forgetting?
- Adam. Can he really be the big bad badass supreme? I mean, healing blood and de facto immortality, sure, but he’s never displayed a mental power. Was the big bad bad guy Molly was afraid of just Poppa Parkman?
- Mama Petrelli - Donna got this one spot on - we think Mama can persuade if she touches you.
- Alejandro & Maya - still don’t care. But, they do confirm another theory. I was dancing all around trying to find a way to desribe this idea and Donna nailed this one too. Many - in fact most - of the heroes have a passive and an active power. Maya and Ajandro are twins, so the power(s) got split in two.
Examples of active and passive; The Haitian can dampen all powers passively, but actively can enter your mind and extract specific memories. Parkman can read your mind, and his new active ability is projection. Micah can hear machines talk, but he can also change how they work and manipulate them. Etcetera and so on. I can’t think of a set of powers for the flying ones though. They seem to only be able to fly. So far, anyway.
- Nikki/Jessica/Gina. Anything that keeps Ali Larter on the show and acting like either a badass or a slut is absolutely, 100% perfect. I don’t care how ridiculous it gets.
- Another question: Have we met anyone who works at the Company who doesn’t have a power? Think about it. Anyone? and if we have not...that means HRG has a power that we haven’t seen because he’s hiding it or he doesn’t know about it because the Haitian erased it.
Overall I enjoyed all the smaller elements of this episode, but I think taken as a whole, it opens up some contradictions and plot holes. Then again, we’re talking about comic books, so I guess I shouldn’t be so picky. Somehow I can accept that Claire can grow a toe, and a guy as old as Adam could probably grow a new body if decapitated him, but Nathan’s beard, marriage and whole lifestyle change, happening in the limited time between his standing up in the hospital room and the opening of season 2? That I can’t accept.
GIVE THE WRITERS THEIR MONEY! It’s going to suck when this ends 11 episodes in you bastards!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Tim Kring apologizes to Heroes fans
THE PACE IS TOO SLOW ‘’We assumed the audience wanted season 1 — a buildup of intrigue about these characters and the discovery of their powers. We taught [them] to expect a certain kind of storytelling. They wanted adrenaline. We made a mistake.’’
THE WORLD-SAVING STAKES SHOULD HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED SOONER The premonition of nuclear apocalypse created a larger context that unified every story line last season. Kring now sees that Volume 2 (the first 11 episodes of season 2) would have been better served if Peter’s vision of viral Armageddon had appeared in the season premiere rather than episode 7. ‘’We took too long to get to the big-picture story,’’ he says.
THE ROOKIES DIDN’T GREET THEMSELVES PROPERLY New Heroes Monica (Dana Davis), Maya (Dania Ramirez), and Alejandro (Shalim Ortiz) ‘’shouldn’t have been introduced in separate story lines that felt unattached to the show. The way we introduced Elle (Kristen Bell) — by weaving her in via Peter’s story line — is a more logical way to bring new characters into the show.’’ (That said, Kring says a few newbies won’t make it beyond this second volume, which wraps Dec. 3.)
HIRO WAS IN JAPAN WAY TOO LONG Hiro’s (Masi Oka) time-bending adventure in 17th-century Japan — where he mentored samurai hero Takezo Kensei (David Anders) — finally came to an end on Nov. 5. But Kring says it ‘’should have [lasted] three episodes. We didn’t give the audience enough story to justify the time we allotted it.’’
YOUNG LOVE STINKS Kring regrets sticking Claire (Hayden Panettiere) with a super-dud boyfriend and forcing Hiro to moon over a cutesy princess. ‘’I’ve seen more convincing romances on TV,’’ he admits. ‘’In retrospect, I don’t think romance is a natural fit for us.’’
I think I agree with everything but Hiro being in Japan too long. And I half agree with that. There wasn’t enough story to justify the time spent, but the answer in that case wouldn’t have been to cut it short, it would have been to write more stuff. We love Hiro, we like Kensei, who doesn’t like looking at Yaeko? The costumes were good, it looked great...just put more story in it. And cut the Smallville crap.
So, it seems that he gave a little something away here. Peter’s vision of the virus apocalypse is the real tragedy from which the world must be saved. “Save the cheerleader, save the world” actually applies to the virus/2008 story, not the bomb - although Claire’s ability was needed to deal with the bomb as well. The bomb would have been bad (especially for NYC), sure, but 93% of the world’s population wiped out is so much worse.
I’m glad Tim sees the flaws in this season. Makes me respect his skill a bit more and gives me hope for the rest of whatever aborted season we get.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Heroes - Out of Time
Now THIS is what I’m talkin’ about! Heroes was good last week and absolutely kicked ass this week. This show is great when they remember to answer questions as they ask new ones, and always make sure something happens. Do not emulate Lost. Be a comic book. The last couple weeks have given us a return to form. On top of that, we’ve had very little Toxic Twins, cross-eyes Veronica mars or Faux Irish, which only improves everything.
- Adam. Lots of people guessed this one, so it’s no great achievement in precognizance to have realized Kensei was Adam and is immortal. Also, this means Peter and Claire are likely immortal as well, as long as the virus doesn’t (or can’t?) affect them.
- As for what Hiro has done here...he’s created a monster, albeit inadvertently. Adam/Kensei is still stewing over losing the princess. 400 years is a long time to hold a grudge.
The symbol is an Asian dragon, and it’s Adam/Kensei’s.
See, Hiro’s father told him the story of Kensei’s final test. Kensei must face the man that showed him the way of the sword. He must defeat the Dragon. What we have here is a typical Japanese parable, where the obvious examples of “good and evil” are both flipped and have dual meanings. Kensei is Hiro, and the Dragon is Adam. Now, in the myth, the Dragon taught Kensei the “way of the sword.” I interpret this to be Hiro teaching Adam how to use his sword to be a Hero. This satisfies the duality part of the first half of the story. The second half, that Kensei had to “cut out his heart to save her, to save Japan,” flips the roles again, and Hiro is now Kensei. Yaeko is his heart in Edo Japan, as is Ando in the modern day. Either or both may have to be sacrificed to stop Adam from either going back to try to stop Hiro and Yaeko from falling in love, or from finishing his killing spree in the present day. So...Adam = Dragon. Hence the symbol.
What other powers must Adam have? It seems like he should have more than just healing/regeneration. I suspect that he might be the original “Hero.” The wellspring from which all future genetic “mutations” flow. Maybe.
I also think he might not be a bad guy in the end. I think he can be talked around. I think he’s driven by pain and rage. It’s interesting that he’s the “visionary” and was Linderman’s “sensei.” One wonders how many of the other Old Guard Heroes think like he does. I still say that he can be talked around. I believe it because Hiro believes it. That’s really the only reason. :)
I think that Sylar is still the most evil thing on the show and God help them all
if when he gets his powers back.
- Bob. No one is buying this bumble-stumble nice guy routine. Company = Evil, and Bob is a bad guy. Mohinder is an idiot who continues to make terrible judgments and decisions.
- HRG - Nice to see him back in form. I swear he was about a millisecond from slapping Claire when she threw her little tantrum. And STILL NO CAMERAS IN HIS HOUSE. That is a major writer’s flaw right there, nothing more than a deus ex machina designed only to keep him from seeing West. I think Claire will continue to make terrible decisions right up until the moment she has to choose between HRG and West. She’ll choose Daddy. But she won’t make the ride easy. After all she is a teenaged girl. With stumpy
dwarf little people arms.
Matt/Poppa - Matt should have been here in the LAST season...it would have made the ending so much more exciting, as he could have coordinated an attack against Sylar and turned the chance meeting of small groups of Heroes into a real force to do battle with a powerful enemy. Instead we got this anti-climactic *POP* - *stab* - “Wait, it’s over?” kind of thing. Very nice to see him advancing his abilities and flip the script on Daddy. Now the question is, was Maury acting under influence, or was he simply a believer in what Adam was selling/preaching? If it was influence, what the hell else can Adam do?
- Peter. The virus is clearly going to be a modified/mutated version of Bob’s Folly. If Mohinder’s blood no longer cures it, there’s no telling what the virus might do if it came into contact with the wrong Hero. What if Adam caught it, and instead of rendering him powerless, it mutated and learned to regenerate? It could withstand any attempt to kill it. Hence the great plague. What if it combined with the Toxic Twin Maya’s ability somehow? What if Sylar gets all three in his body?
Anyway, it’s nice to see Peter getting back to being himself. Amazing job by the actor last night. When his memories came flooding back a change came over his face...he looked like Peter again. Does he remember everything now? Or just stuff relating to his bitch-on-wheels of a mother?
I can has no more Faux Irish now? Could this maybe be the frigging end of the half-ugly non-brogue-havin’ stereotype? No more Caitlin please. DO NOT WANT.
- Nikki. Did I understand this right, that she’s integrated now and, when not being manipulated by Poppa Parkman, in control of when she uses her power? She seems to have chosen the name Nikki instead of Jessica.
All I know is, they better not kill her off like they (might have) did DL. Ali Larter is a reason to keep tuning in, and Nikki is a great character. If you have to kill someone, make it a new person. Like Lightning Girl.
- Paintings. We’ve seen them all happen now, except for Mohinder and the gun, and HRG shot in the eye while Claire and West look on. Given what Bob did there with the gun, I think that will happen next week, or maybe the week after. Like all of the paintings, it will happen, just not exactly as it seems. At least it better damn well not. Again, HRG is someone that makes this show good. Killing Noah Bennet would be idiotic. I’d rather lose *any* of the new people except Monica.
- Predictions: Adam is the one who had Sylar in the cabin. He’s also going back in time (using Peter) to try to stop Hiro from stopping him by stealing Yaeko, but as he’s twisted by his pain, he might try to kill Yaeko instead of just preventing her from loving Hiro. That might be the cutting out of the heart...maybe he has to let her die. Follow me here. Hiro sees Yaeko as a symbol of Japan. So when he said “to save her, to save Japan” it might not have meant her as in the woman, but her as in the country?
- The virus will mutate and hit the general population but not until the end of “Volume 2” which airs December 3rd, and may be the season finale due to the strike.
- Mohinder will point the gun at HRG but will not be the one who shoots him. West will. In fact I think Mohinder will turn the gun on West, but West will shoot anyway. OR...Bob will send someone else to back up Mohinder and THEY will shoot HRG. Either way HRG doesn’t die.
- Monica becomes the Batman of New Orleans soon
So...what’d I forget?
Monday, November 05, 2007
By way of an apology - Heroes, Ariel and the Cuda concept
Not only have I not posted jack-squat since last Thursday...I just skipped Heroes this week. I actually liked it too, but by the time I felt like writing it all down it was late, and then I had to take Gus back to the vet Saturday, so I let the weekend get away and just chilled out.
So...Heroes last week then? Except for the ugly Irish girl who is British and can’t actually do the brogue for shit, I really enjoyed this last episode. First one that has felt less like placekeeping or treading water, but instead felt more like a real Heroes episode. From everything I read, the WGA strike might be the reason it picks up. They have up to episode 11 done, and they canceled Heroes: Origins. They say it was a money thing, but I think they needed to cram as many scripts in as possible, and couldn’t spare the time to work on Origins. Everyone knew this strike was inevitable. So, unless it is resolved very quickly, Heroes will have a mini-season ending with episode 11, which is also supposed to end Volume 2. They even shot an alternate ending to episode 11 that can act as a season finale, just in case.
All that is by way of saying I expect things to pick up on the show now as far as pace goes. Feel free to spoil away with theories and whatnot in the comments.
Now...the boobs. This is a NSFW gallery of Ariel from Met Art. She’s ridiculously hot. Enjoy that.
Lastly, my apology includes another retro-future muscle car. The new one is a Barracuda concept that Autoblog scoped out at SEMA.
Chrysler is doing these retro designs fairly well - in the looks department anyway - and should make some cash with them...as long as they don’t succumb to the temptation of making them (on the cheap) with identical interiors and mostly parts out of the common bin. This one is supposed to be an all carbon fiber body. We know that won’t make production. And the interior is just the SRT8 you can find in the Charger and so on. Hopefully a production version could customize the interior for this specific model. What is it with Chrysler and the shoddy interiors anyway?
Anyway. while the concept looks great, I think I’d still rather pay 50 grand for a fully tricked-out and over-muscled 1972 ‘Cuda. Something about that old 70’s steel just appeals to me. Maybe the advent of “modern muscle” will drive the prices on vintage muscle down a bit to where a normal human could afford one some day?
Posted by JimK at 02:25 PM on November 05, 2007
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Categories: Beautiful Women, Television, Heroes, Technobabble (Technology), Things With Engines
Tags: TV Heroes beautiful women Ariel Barracuda concept Cuda SEMA
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Heroes - Fight or Flight
Spoilers! Many spoilers lurk below. I will be randomly jotting things down as I remember them.
- I am so so SO sick of Mohinder’s simpering little voice. I can’t believe he’s the freaking narrator/voiceover/whatever. It makes me insane to listen to his sad little voice. I want to punch him. Also, he;s clearly the woman in the Suresh/Parkman marriage.
- So. Poppa Parkman is a real dickhead. I would say that the power is different from the girl who makes illusions in that you must be asleep for Poppa Parkman’s power to work. But he seems to have the ability to put you to sleep, so bonus for him.
Am I nuts or has each of the O.G. Twelve (that we’ve met) at one point claimed that they tried to stop the others who were abusing their power?
Anyway, Poppa’s interesting. He’s one of the new additions I don’t mind. I also appreciate Matt’s growing mastery of his power. Now he can put a thought into someone’s head. It implies that he could be as powerful as his father...and maybe not need to put someone to sleep first? Or maybe Poppa doesn’t *need* to put a person to sleep, it;s just easier to get their mind to accept his projection that way? Anyway it works out this storyline is keeping my interest. Apart from Mohinder’s part in it, of course. He Mo-hinders my ability to enjoy anything he’s involved in.
- What the frigging fuck is Mohinder thinking, bringing Molly back to the Company? He’s such a god-damned little bitch-boy, I just want to smash his face in. And now he’s messing with Monica.
- Monica. Awesome power. As soon as they started discussing what she could do, I said to my wife “I would totally become Batman.” Think about it. You could train in every fighting style known to man. Master every weapon. Learn to do acrobatics. Rock climb. Defensive, offensive and race-car-quality driving. Everything! You could totally become the best damned vigilante crime fighter in the history of vigilante crime fighters! Obviously she’s going to do exactly that, as St. Joan in the comic must be her as seen by Isaac.
By the way, St. Joan, in case you were wondering, comes from the fact that Joan of Arc was adopted as the patron saint of New Orleans. She’s also the patron saint of military women (and others).
Micah can totally be her tech guy, making all sorts of fancy gizmos and whatnot. “Where does she get those wonderful toys?” From the kid that communes with electronics and machines, derr. ;) Another new character and storyline that I am enjoying.
- Nikki. Man, Nikki is pissed at someone. Jessica clearly wants Mikki put to rest, but how? Will the company infect her with a modified virus? Would trying to kill off her power kill Jessica as well? And how frigging hot is Ali Larter when she’s beating the crap out of people?
- Peter. BORING. Not him...the whole Ireland story. I don’t give a frig about cross-eyed Veronica Mars and I’m getting sick of all the freaking new people. Too many, not enough time to tell any one story fully. STOP ADDING CHARACTERS NOW. At least we now know where Peter got his lightning from. She must have been with.near him at some point pre-Ireland. But how frigging stupid and Deus Ex Machina was it to have her kill the older Irish brother, track Peter to his exact location and then get mysteriously called home? That’s just shitty, Lost-quality, extend-the-storyline writing right there. Plus, sorry, but if I have to look at a blonde on this show, how about you let me look at Ali Larter for awhile? Kristem Bell ain’t doin’ it, no matter how awesome it is to be able to shoot Force lightning like a Sith Lord. Also, I don’t think Peter needed the additional motivation of avenging the murder of his new ugly girlfriend’s brother. Totally unnecessary, the entire freaking thing.
- Ando/Hiro/Kensei. Not nearly enough of them. I am getting frustrated at all the new storylines, and here we have this amazing tale that is happening off screen. What the eff? Why am I watching Peter kiss an ugly fake Irish girl? Why am I watching Superboy woo the cheerleader? Why am I not watching Hiro and Kensei kick Edo period ass and co-wooing the most beautiful girl in all of Japan? Who the hell is in charge of this show, the people from All My Children? Come on. The Japan storyline deserves top billing next to the “original twelve” storyline. For frig’s sake, Kensei was the motivation for Hiro’s whole first-season journey! It drove the entire freaking show, and now it’s kind of being treated like an afterthought.
Tim Kring, you can do better. Stop dragging it out and start telling a better tale.
Did I forget anything important?
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Tila show issue
So I’m watching the Tila reality - and I use that word more loosely than ever - show. It’s kind of pissing me off. I can literally hear the words coming out of everyone’s mouth like they were reading them off cue cards. Everyone’s a blatant stereotype with all the depth one would expect from a puddle. It might be MTV’s worst reality show ever. And this is coming from a guy that once watched first Real World/Road Rules challenge. On purpose.
It doesn’t have the douche appeal and comedy factor of a Bret Michaels. Once you get past the “I’d like to throw one in Tila” factor...what’s really going on here? A script. And a bad one at that. Is anyone actually into this show?
Do I really have to write this up? I’m not enjoying it, but I could make a few dozen jokes if someone really wanted it. Or paid me to do it. ;) Id rather just hunt down Tila pics and various girl-on-girl porn and post that. ;)
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Heroes - The Kindness of Strangers
Spoilers and so forth abound below! DVR’ers (wow, that is not a word) you were warned!
SPOILERS BEGIN NOW.
This is being written the next day, so if I skip something vital, feel free to mention it!
- I guessed Parkman’s dad was the Nightmare Man as soon as he said he needed Molly to find him. I’m sure a lot of you did as well. This led me to a theory:
The “hero” gene can still be a random mutation and/or a gift from God. Kensei might be the first. It is passed, family to family, slowly, mutating through the years until the generation made up of the twelve in the photo. They have enough wealth and knowledge to set up gene splicing/research experiments, as the technology has finally caught up enough to start tinkering.
The twelve are, as far as they knew, the only twelve with powers, and are all descendants of Kensei through various bloodlines. They, in turn, tinkered and CREATED the power in their children, although they had no way of knowing what power would manifest as genetic slicing and so forth was not that exact a science in their time.
So, Nathan, Matt, all the ones that age or thereabouts are second-generation from the twelve, and Claire, Flyboy, etc. are third gen born by further tinkering. Their parents probably (and in some cases we’ve seen this to be true) didn’t know.
Sylar? Matt Parkman’s brother, fathered by scoundrel Dad when he was out and about for all these years doing whatever it is that he does. Why? My next theory:
- Parkman and Sylar actually have similar abilities. Hear me out. Sylar is NOT supposed to do what he does. He’s supposed to see how a thing works, especially a brain. He’s supposed to FIX things, not cut them open and steal the part he wants. He was never “designed” to have the ability to take powers into himself: his ability gave him the knowledge to come up with that little plan all on his own. Matt reads minds...Sylar reads brains. If Greg Grunberg (the guy playing Parkman) dropped 70 pounds, tell me he couldn’t pass as related to Zachary Quinto. Plus, Dad’s (Nightmare Man) ability is mental as well...hence what happened to Molly. I really think I’m on to something here.
Or I’m insane and over-thinking this.
- Sylar is gonna get the plague/cure combo somehow. Jesus Lord no. The guy really is rotten and evil to his core. He had no reason to kill Hippie Car Thief Guy. he totally could have punched him out and taken the keys. What’s Hippie Car Thief gonna do, call the cops and say “Hey, some guy just stole my stolen car and by the way, I’m wanted as well?” Killing him just for the keys tells me something about Sylar. He’s bad, through and through. Given two choices, Sylar will always pick the one that is quickest, easiest for him and causes the most pain or death for others. He’s pure comic-book bad. You can’t reason with that kind of evil - it simply must be stopped
One other weird thing about Sylar: Why is there always a cockroach around him? A giant cockroach is always crawling on or around or away from him when he;s passed out somewhere.
- Claire and Superboy are pissing me off on one level. On the other level, of course two kids like that growing up in a world where Superman was mythology would do cornball shit like that. What the hell else would they do? So it’s not so bad in hindsight, but it annoys me endlessly to actually watch it. P.S. what the frig is Claire going to do, steal a cheerleader uniform? If she joins the squad, how will she hide the fact that she doesn’t practice at all (because she’s with Superboy, remember the cheerleading is supposed to be a cover story)? How will she know the moves for game day? This isn’t a very well-thought out plan of hers. Pops is way, way too smart for that.
- Monica - Love that power for some reason. I’d love to be able to casually see something on TV, even in passing, and absorb the exact way to physically re-create it. I do think that particular power smells a little derivative of the way Chuck got his knowledge...methinks a writer for Heroes got wind of the Chuck script during the writing period. It’s also a lot like Echo/Ronin from the Daredevil comics. Still, I like the actress playing her and I can’t wait to see what weird skill she’ll pick up next. Imagine her watching the UFC. She’d learn seven fighting styles in an hour. Could be useful.
Given her personality (as described by her childhood friend) I’m also curious how she will scheme to use it to lift her family out of poverty.
Also, I thought the Katrina/NOLA stuff was handled very deftly. Enough to make you remember the storm, to think about those who are still suffering the effects, but not one drop of politics came across at all. No one need feel slighted one way or the other by the presentation of real life events. No one was insulted or blamed...it just was. It’s a thing that happened and this is one family’s struggle. I appreciate that, and I hope the writers aren’t going to screw it up in the future.
And I still love Micah’s ability. That would come in so handy. :)
- Nice to see Nathan getting back on his feet. Am I crazy or did Adrian Pasdar lose a bunch of weight to pull off the haggard, been-drinkin-mah-dinner street bum look? He looks wore the hell out and gaunt.
- Oh! Hell, I forgot - Molly. So is it some kind of coma? Is she in shock, or is Poppa Parkman controlling her? And am I crazy or did Poppa Parkman see Matt through her eyes, and that’s why she said “Matt” right before she passed out? Is she trapped in her brain with NightMare Man screwing with her and that’s why she’s crying out to Matt?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - Week 1
I’m doing this show partially by request and partially because I believe it can be a train wreck of immense proportions. Shall we take a peek at the episode that premiered last week? I believe we shall.
- The pre-intro is a PG version of her “I Love U” music video…
- “But what you don’t know about me, is that I’m bi-sexual!” Anyone who has ever seen or heard of you already knows that, Tila. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that dating men or women exclusively would not provide you with nearly enough sex. You’ve done the only smart thing an internet whore can do.
- Err...so it’s 16 dudes that want to bang her. Then it’s 16 “straight up lesbians.” Why not some bi folks on both sides? Too much competition for cock (real and rubber alike)???
- It works like every other show like this, with eliminations each week. The only hook is that a chick is dating chicks. How daring. Call me when they do “A Shot At My Cock” with George Michael.
The proper intro is just awful. Male and female symbols everywhere...pink and blue shot glasses...this isn’t bi. This si straight up gay...as in the junior high definition of the word.
- We open with Tila making up her face, awaiting the arrival of the dudes. They are all - without exception, and I’m not fucking kidding, ALL - bigger douchebags than Bret Michaels ever thought of being. I see cowboy dickheads, pumped-up New Jersey nightmares, dudes doing cartwheels or some shit, they;re all screaming her name...holy fuck. It’s like Hot Chicks With Douchebags just came to life on my TeeVee.
- Cowboy Dickbag, who was given the name “Ashley” at birth by parents that clearly did not want a boy, just said “I ain’t never ben with an AY-shun chick before, but I lahke Chi-neeze food...” HOLY FUCKING NO HE DIDN’T. Oh my god he did. West Virgina....mountain mama’s boy...send him home...to his country road.
- Ugh. This show is patterned very much after the VH1 reality shows, with the “star” delivering cornball one-liners..."Grab a key and hold on tight, because in the end, that might just be the key to my heart.” If I didn’t know better I would swear all VH1/MTV reality shows were written by 12 year old girls. Also - DOUCHE CRUSH. The guys mobbed the key rack like there weren’t enough to go around. They also whooped and hollered randomly, somewhat like a family of monkeys might do while lounging in the jungle and picking nits off each other’s hairy asses. Behavior I am almost certain we will see forthcoming on this goatfuck of a show.
- Some of the dudes are wandering the house, and some of them are crowding Tila.
- We get a name for Domenico, a waiter from Milan, Italy. Think about every stereotype you have ever seen in films and television about an Italian man from Italy. Now imagine that all of that was compacted into a very gay package that went about 5’5”. You just met Domenico. “Eef you put-a leetle beet-a twenny percent ov accent dat I a-got, an fifty percent of cookin’ meal, den it makes-a two hunnerd percent-a-chances to have da woman in de bed by de night.”
I swear to fuck, that is what and exactly how he said it. God bless new Italian math.
Also, there’s a pro wrestler in here that no one has ever heard of named Rob.
- Each guy brought her a gift. Eddie wrote her a song. Eddie isn’t a bad looking dude...but he fucking sang into a rose. The song was not good. Tila asks him why a white rose, and he said “I’ve never gone the full distance with a woman.” Uhh...sure. That’s not a gimmick for the show or anything. Guys that look like runway models always stay virgins into their mid twenties.
- Ryan, from Jersey. I can smell the d-bag on him from here. His gift? A dreamcatcher. Sweet fuck.
- Alex, from NOLA, who is a white hip hop dancer. Hence his being unemployed enough to be here on the show. His gift was not shown. Maybe it was a piece of a corpse from the hurricane? (What? What’d I say? Too soon for Katrina jokes?)
- Rami, another waiter. One cannot help but to notice the very, very careful MTV multi-cultural casting choices. He brought her a frog because of all the frogs in the house. I get it...frog kissed, prince found. Good stuff there, Rami. You really brought your D game tonight, brother! Tila didn’t get it.
- Michael R. who clearly worships at the altar of Fall Out Boy. Seriously, you’re trying to impress an internet superhottie. Did you really decide to wear your grandma’s pink quilted jacket over your all-black emo uniform, you hipster fucking doofus? He also said that only two things make him break a sweat - sex and drums. His gift was a pair of sticks. So he’s a hipster emo doofus and a douchebag. Got it. His new name is Doofus Wentz.
- Steven, a club promoter in Dothan, Alabama. They have more than one club in Dothan, Alabama? He made her a painting. Donna thinks it;s nice. I think it looks a little like he threw up and rubbed it around with his fingers. What do you think?
Tila thought it was enough to give him groping rights, because they started making out and hands were wandering.
- Lance is up next. He’s a professional clown. I’d love to mock him, but I have a policy against mocking developmentally disabled people. No, wait, no I don’t. He does a kind of a Dane Cook meets Clarabelle thing for her.
- Ben, a radio jock from the greater Boston area-h. Great. I just bet he’s a douche. Almost everyone I ever met in the business was. “I just thought I’d start off by tea-baggin’ ya a little bit.” HA. HOW FUCKING FUNNY, RADIOMAN. See, he made her a cup of tea. Just fucking kill me now. I told you he’d be a douche.
- Eric, a corn-row-sportin’ brotha from tha L-B-C. Long Beach and Tila together, now you know you in trouble. Except this boy is no gangsta. He brought her a big motherfucking bottle of Tide. Why? Because in case she needed to wash some clothes on his washboard abs, that’s why.
Of course. How could you know guess that? Tila’s not havin’ it. She says there’s a million guys that look like this. Yeah, baby doll. Like me. I have a washboard ab too. Washboards are shaped like overturned bathtubs, right?
- It’s Domenico’s turn to geeve hees lady a geeft. He brought her spaghetti and meatballs. FUCK YOU, YOU FAKE GUIDO FUCK. I’m calling shenanigans. He’s too much of a stereotype. No fucking way anyone is really like that. Tila does love a man that cooks. He baby, I made some mushroom risotto from scratch tonight. And I have balls of meat. Come on over...I even have a woman here you can play with.
The other guys are watching the actor playing the Italian guy from inside the house. One of the guys laughs like a very, very small mammal making little barking noises.
Domenico just said “Iss amazing from a lettle kees she gave me, eet wass a huge vibration in thee meedle of my legess. Down dere wass like third worl war.” I think he’s saying that Tila’s “Lady & The Tramp” spaghetti kiss made his dick hard. Or he’s saying his genitals are a war zone. Not sure.
- Ashley’s next, and his gift is Wal-Mart jewelry. He’s bragging about that it costs 30 bucks for each piece. “It’s awhn till the break ah’dawhn!” DOUCHE. BAG. Country-fried dickweed. God bless ‘im.
- We switch it up to the guys standing around chatting. Domenico decides to ask the guys if they’d sleep with a guy for ten million dollars, and it;s some lesson about how guys are “omophobes.” Just like that, without the “h.” Gee, could Domenico be harboring a secret? I wonder (No I don’t).
- Marcus is next. He’s the small mammal laugher. I imagine that if gophers laugh, it would sound a lot like Marcus. He’s also from NOLA, and a spokesmodel. His gift is a walkie-talkie, he has the other one. They’re gonna do music together over them. She imagines that she’s a musician, and apparently so does Gopher, so that should work out nicely.
He decided to tell Tila about Domenico’s weird question. So he’s the snitch bitch of the group. Then Country Fried Dickweed tells Gay Italian Actor what Gopher did. And for some reason, Country Fried Dickweed calls Gopher out to the lawn talking about “YOU PISSED EVERYONE OFF IN THIS HOUSE.” They square up a bit and nothing happens. FINALLY, the first commercial break.
- Back and we pick up with the great Country/Gopher yap session. Neither of these fucking pussies are gonna throw, this is a waste of testosterone. Tila’s confessionalizing that the ladies would never do this. Yeah. Chicks never fight on reality shows over dumb shit. Nope. Never happens.
Anyway, it devolves into one of those yelling matches where one guys yells the same thing over and over ("YOU step aside!") and the other one just walks around him yelling random shit back. Boring. Tila reminds them that they’re here for her titties.
- Next we get to meet Rob, the wrestler from Henderson, Nevada. He brought her an I (HEART) ROB shirt. Then Bobby, a dickbag of the highest order from Worcester NY comes over an interrupts. He’s classic douchebag. He gives her a pair of diamond earrings. Ten bucks says they;re fake or lab diamonds, or he stole them from the whore he picked up in the club three weeks ago.
- Greg,a “fitness model” from Rahway, New Jersey. Finally, a true Jersey Douche! He brought her a Kama Sutra kit. Corny but Tila is digging it. She asks for him to rub her arm and he pulls this d-bag “hook the dress strap” move and pulls her dress down. POW. Titty. Not that she’s shy, but that was a d-bag move for the reals.
- Michael B. is next. He’s the “geek” of the show, I bet. Wearing a suit, but he’s a pizza delivery guy. Total disconnect. His gift is a pillow with a picture of himself on it. One side says “Good morning beautiful” and the other says “Good night sexy.” Holy shit. He was living with his mom before this.
- Time to eliminate 5 guys. I don’t think we met every guy. She tells them to move to the elimination room, and Gopher is worried that his bitchfight with Country is gonna hurt him. Commercial.
- Back from commercial. Tila is looking at pictures of the guys on a big digital picture frame. That has to be some kind of product placement. Also, her voiceovers and confessionals are HORRIBLE...she’s the worst actress on the entire earth. Jessica Alba should get Oscars compared to her. “I just don’t want to make the wrong decision!” She delivers every line in that sing-songy way that bad actors always do.
- The reveal into the elimination chamber is so corny. She’s leaning up against a wetbar, and the thing spins around to show her to the room like she’s a Dyson on The Price Is Right. Just corny.
- Time to send five home. Benny, the tea bag guy goes first. “Your shot at love ends here.” Then she says “Drop the key and bounce.” Oh fucking hell. Tila, you aren’t a black rapper, sweetie. You can’t get away with using “bounce” like that.
- Rami is outta here. Him and his frog.
- Aww...Emoboy is gone! Damn, I was looking forward to making fun of his Pete Wentz wannabe ass some more. His parting confessional line was so ridiculous that I had to repeat it here: “I’m a little disheartened...I’m not one to be rejected...but at the same time I can beat the rhythm of a new drum.” Maybe it’s better that he’s gone.
- Lance is leaving next. With the tears of a clown. See what I did there? I’m at least as funny as a Dane Cook/Clarabelle cocktail.
- Last one to go is...Big Douchey Greg. Told you it was a dick move. That shit may work on Bridge & Tunnel whores, but this is a famous MySpace whore. You gotta bring your A game.
- She tells the rest of them they still have a shot at love. There’s at least one dude in there we never met, and he’s rockin’ a faux-hawk. Up next, the ladies. Commercial.
- And we get to meet the lesbians. Tila is wearing a 70s room divider as a dress. The ladies show up...and we’ve got two kinds of lesbians - total lipstick and blatant butches. No normal people at all. Jesus...is this supposed to be a good thing, advancing the cause of acceptance or something? I bet the MTV execs are patting each other on the back and not even seeing the stereotypes they are reinforcing. But...that’s probably too deep a thought for this train wreck, so...time to mock some sisters of Sappho!
- One of them says it’s an honor to be part of something so groundbreaking. *sigh*
- Tila shows up and the ladies let out a collective howl that threatens to raise the nearby dead. If there are any. I mean, how far can they really be from any random cemetary? Trust me, the shriek these chicks let out will raise anyone in earshot. Or kill them.
- Amanda actually sums Tila up fairly well: “I’d have to be blind...and a little retarded...not to find her sexy.” True that, sister. You, on the other hand...what is going on in your mouth? Was your dad Mr. Ed?
- They blow by a few of the ladies exclaiming that they are gonna get her. Then Amanda walks out to the group late (making a fucking entrance has never been more obvious) and sits down with more panty flash than any seven Hollywood starlets. OhMiGawd! Her and Tila are wearing matching panties! OhMiGawd! Like, so kewl! OhMiGawd! She’s the ditz of the show who throws sexuality around like it was currency…
- Oh, we just met our drunk. Keasha.
- Time to meet them individually...only they don’t actually do that. One of the black girls is a virgin. Tila is all “My prayers have been answered.” OK. Sure. What’s the fucking appeal of virgins anyway? Who has time to do all that teaching?
- Back inside and three or four of the women are cuddled up on the couch. The drunk is one of them. One of the others is, Rebecca, an “entrepreneur” (read: internet porn chick).
- ASIDE - I am not loving this show. I gotta tell you, it’s not grabbing me. Maybe it’s the clunky, way-too-fast way they are blowing past everyone in this first episode, but it;s not working for me so far.
- Back to the show. Tila curls up with Rebecca and gets flirty, but then Keasha tries to step all over the time. It’s so obvious when Tila sends her away to go get a drink. Only a drunk bitch wouldn’t get the hint.
- Our “star” wanders over to some other random chick. HOW ABOUT TELLING US WHO THE FUCK THESE PEOPLE ARE? One of the diesel lesbos is sitting right there (wearing big, square white man loafers. Holy Cliche Batman!) and Tila blows her off. So, clearly she has a type and it’s the lipstick. She also seems to like girls way, WAY better than guys.
- Now we have the quiet ones with one big mouth in the crew: LaLa. No, that’s her name. Ever seen a sitcom? You know every black woman that has ever been in any sitcom ever - except for Phylicia Rashad who had dignity - acts loud, bobs her head and talks like an Italian guy from Brooklyn - with her hands? Yeah. LaLa. Straight Outta Central Casting, yo.
LaLa: “If you’re hella bootsy or square, it ain’ gonna work.” What in the fuck is that? Is that even slang? did she just make those words up and assign them random meanings?
- Tila wanders into another pair. HOW ABOUT TELLING US THEIR NAMES? They’re talking about relationships. The talkative one reminds me of Christina Aguilera if she ate Christina Aguilera and got punched in the face a lot. And she never shuts up. Tila leaves.
- We get to meet Vanessa. Tila is totally into her. “Vanessa is just sooo hot.” Really? Must be a girl thing. I think she looks a little like a pug dog. Anyhoo, Tila started making out with her in front of the other one we didn’t get to meet. Tila: “Whats-her-face got no love. I’m such a douchebag.” Yeah, kinda. :)
- Instead of presents, the ladies get to dress up in outfits for Tila. Ten bucks says Diesel wears a suit. Commercial.
- Back. Vanessa is up first. She;s a “dancer” (stripper) from Deer Park, NY. She’ll be around more, so her name is now Pug. her outfit is a naughty catholic school girl.
- Grace, from Glendale CA is next as a naughty nurse. I’m sensing a theme among the lipsticks.
- Rebecca is wearing a Victoria’s Secret-style angel outfit and they have to blur the boobs, so something is going on there. Rebecca is a bit of a butterface.
- Brandi (WHY ARE THEY AL:WAYS NAMED BRANDI WITH AN “I”???) from Costa Mesa is a naughty kitty. Oh good lord.
- LaLa is a naughty French maid. Now I’m just getting bored. That giant red weave is atrocious.
- Chaos, from someplace called Berrien Springs, Michigan is sporting a huge chest tattoo. It’s fucking horrid. She’s a naughty soldier. And a burlesque dancer. OH! She’s the talky one. Tila just called her a butterface! Heh. Very true. And that tattoo is just god-damned awful.
- Keasha is up next. She’s the chairwoman of the itty bitty titty committee. She;s a naughty contruction worker. Oh for fuck’s sake, where’s the naughty cop? How about a cowgirl and we can form a lesbian Village People? And she fucking always says “Hey gurl, Heeeeeyyyyy!” It;s so fucking annoying.
- Ashli is our virgin lesbian. She’s a naughty Girl Scout. This girl is fine from the kneck down. Even her weave looks kinda good. Virgin my *ass*. Virgins don’t get breast implants.
- Amanda and her horse teeth are next. I guess she’s a dominatrix? Can you be a naughty dominatrix? I guess that would just be redundant. This bitch thinks she’s the lesbian Pam Anderson.
- Here comes Steffanie, from the O.C. She’s dressed basically as Hef. Amanda: “I think a butchy girl is so creepy.” Yeah, kinda. It’s an affectation and a costume. Then again, so is everything about Amanda.
- Ellie from Reno...a naughty mechanic. Seriously, I want to kill myself.
- Brenda, San Jose. Naughty cab driver. FUCKING STOP IT.
- Dani, aka Diesel, who is a real firefighter. So she’s dressed as...guess. Come on. Guess.
- Scout from Kansas City is dressed as....uhh...a chick going to the pool. She’s wearing an orange bikini and this is what she said: “Orange you glad I have a big enough personality that I don’t need a cheesy pickup line to make you mine?” But...Oh, I get it! irony! Fucking moron. Try not to fall over in those heels you might hurt your brain cell.
- Sara, from Orangvale CA, wearing what looks like playing cards on a string. Given that she’s covered in pixelixation, I’m guessing that the cards aren’t covering what they should be covering.
- Krystal, Kansas City, struts out wearing 36 American flags on a cowgirl outfit. So, we got the cowgirl. She’s jiggling like a bowl of Jello. She did NOT buy those titties. Too bad she wasn’t born with a face to match ‘em.
- Tila: ‘I look back, and it looked like the lesbian Village People or something.” Hey, that sounds familiar…
- Five ladies are gonna get cut. She does the digital photo thing again.
- Wetbar reveal again. CORN-KNEE.
- Scout is out. her and her extra belly.
- Ellie (What’s-her-name) is too shy for Tila. Get to steppin’. Aww, Ellie cried. So sad. Or something.
- Chaos gets the boot. Good. One of the fugs has been slain.
- Brenda is out. It hurt her ego. Gee, ya think? What’d you expect?
One more...it’s Keasha. Damn. So that means no drunken shenanigans and “Hey gurl heeeeyyy.” But you’ll love the nonsense of her final statement: “I wish that she coulda seen who I am, but she did see who I am. I never portrayed myself to be somebody that I wasn’t, coincidentally, just because of, you know, here or there. It brought me to this positions, I guess, so to speak.”
Yeah. That made sense. “Coincidentally?” I do not think that word means what you think it means, Keasha.
- Pool party tomorrow with everyone who is left. The guys and the girls didn’t know about the other group. Commercial.
- Aside - Holy shit was that Kurt Loder? He’s still working here? Wow. That dude is O.L.D. Oh shit. That makes me...oh fuck.
- Back from commercial, and it’s time for the pool party. This isn’t it’s own episode? Damn they are moving fast. Anyway, Tila is definitely wearing a bathing suit...and Marcus (Gohper) sums up my thoughts: “Damn! She finer than a mothafucka!”
Also, Domenico is wearing an Italian flag Speedo. God-dammit. This pisses me off like the Irish stereotypes from Heroes. I mean, why does the guniea have to be such a fucking joke? Can’t we have a smooth, sophisticated Italian dude from Milan? Why does it have to be an actor playing a gay-esque Italian stereotype? Fucking dicks.
Tila: “What is that? I didn’t realize that Italy was such a small country.” Ouch.
- Pool party starts. Water slide. The dudes make total asses of themselves trying to get Tila’s attention. Then the ladies show up. IN A PINK FUCKING CADDY. Jesus.
- Tila gathers the dudes to give them the speech. They start to bring in the ladies. She’s nervous about telling them the truth. “I haven’t even told my mom and dad.” How could they not know? Do they not get Google in her parent’s house? So the lesbians come in.
“Boys...I have a secret.” They lesbians come into the pool area. The guys are getting excited. Sorry dudes. Wrong tree. Tila “never ever told anyone this before, but, I wanna let you all know that...I’m a bisexual.” NO FUCKING SHIT?
- This season on A Shot At Love. We get to see a bunch of weird shit. One huge mess: pudding wrestling, one big bed for everyone, lots of fighting including two lesbians in a hair-pulling knockdown at one of the eliminations, Country Fried screaming for Tila outside a window (maybe after he gets the boot)...I think I saw him in a fight as well...loads of crying and drama and one ambulance.
Yeah, I guess I could watch this. :) Come back for more. To tide you over, here’s a totally Not Safe For Work gallery of Tila pictures where she’s all nude and naked and stuff. To reiterate, this is a gallery of Tila Tequila nude. You’re welcome.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
LIttle ‘kat diary
If you are a watcher of The Whiskers, you might enjoy a chat with a Meerkat Manor producer. Having watched a bajillion of these animal shows, I’m familiar with the hard line that these documentary makers take: no medical interference, even to save the life of a long-time subject.
Here’s a couple of the more Flower-pertinent questions and some others I found interesting.
bencollinz: Wasn’t there any way to give Flower anti-venom?
Mick Kaczorowski: Unfortunately not. The bite happened underground. It wasn’t until Flower emerged that everyone actually saw the swelling. At that point, you have to let nature take its course. There was no way we could intercede or change the effects of the poison.
diesel75: How is medical intervention determined?
Mick Kaczorowski: There’s no medical intervention with the animals in Meerkat Manor. Because they are wild animals, basically, the scientists don’t believe that they should intercede because they don’t want to have an effect on the gene pool by saving a weaker meerkat. Or affecting the outcome of what’s natural in the Kalahari.
It sucks, but that’s nature. A side note of sorts: There was less of a reaction by the fans when various pups have been shown to die than when Flower went. Everyone who watches this addictive little show loves that 12”. little furball.
This next one seems - at least to me, the non-animal-scientist type - to break the rules a bit....
David: Mick, I have noticed when the researchers are around the meerkats, the meerkats seem to be more curious about the researchers. Are they all like that?
Mick Kaczorowski: The researchers have a much more integral relationship with the meerkats. The researchers weigh the meerkats three times a day. So, when the meerkats see the researchers and the scales come out, they know they’re supposed to hop into the scale and their weight is taken. And they get a little bit of egg white, boiled egg, and a little taste of water. That happens three times a day in order to monitor the health of the meerkats, to see if they’re getting enough food. So, they actually look forward to seeing the researchers.
I’m sure the amount they give them is negligible and more of an enticement to hop in the scale, but still...you wouldn’t see Jonathan Scott from Big Cat Diary slipping Kike a bit of sandwich. Of course she peed on his head once, so he might hold a grudge. :)
So, how do they get those amazing battle shots?
thepanda: How do you get the “up-close” shots during the meerkat battles?
Mick Kaczorowski: The interesting thing is when the battles happen, the meerkats are completely oblivious to human beings, researchers and the camera crews. So, the camera people can actually get amongst the meerkats with the camera and just follow the battle. It is truly amazing. When I was out there in March, we had a big battle and the meerkats are just oblivious to the humans and they’re only looking at other meerkats and their rivals and how to win the war.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Rock of Love - Yep, It’s Bret!
It’s official. Douche is the man for Season 2. Here’s to bringing back Heather and her hair. Come on, if we have to sit through Douche Michaels and his Philosophy of the Douche routine, the least they can do for us is parade heather around looking funk-tacular and telling all the other girls about her “connection” with Bret.
Posted by JimK at 12:33 AM on October 10, 2007
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Categories: Television, Rock Of Love
Tags: VH1 Rock of Love Reality TV Bret Michaels Poison 80s hair metal