Tuesday, December 19, 2006
OMG - Little dude, big…well…
I’d link to where I found it, but it’s my friend on Livejournal and it might be friends only or something. Just say thank you in your mind if this is your cuppa. :)
Monday, December 18, 2006
Survivor: Cook Islands finale and Battlestar Galactica
After everything that happened server-wise this week, I just didn’t have it in me to write up anything on the BSG mid-season finale. But we can still talk about it. Lay it on me...what did we learn and where are we going? What does the temple do? You think maybe there is no artifact per se, but rather the temple shoots a directional beam pointing the way to Earth?
As for Survivor, I still watched it to the end...did the right person win? I thought the other one should have, and the one in the middle was never a factor.
Comments will contain spoilers! You were warned.
Posted by JimK at 12:47 AM on December 18, 2006
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Categories: Television, Battlestar Galactica, Survivor_Cook_Islands
Tags: Battlestar Galactica Survivor Cook Islands
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Battlestar Galactica, Survivor Cook Islands - Polar opposites of enjoyment *UPDATED*
WARNING: Comments to his post will likely contain spoilers for BSG. The post itself does not. You were warned!
So Battlestar last night, huh? Can they really be saying they killed (blank) and (blank)? Pretty important characters to lose so early. Edward James Olmos wasn’t kidding about this being the darkest season yet. How awesome was that whole thing with Starbuck? How hot is Grace Park? How much could Ron Moore throw in references to Iraq while claiming that the show is based on the German occupation of France during WWII?
Actually I have an explanation for that.
(Rest of the post is now below the jump, it got long!)
Since the last 4 or 5 years all we’ve heard are words like “insurgency” and “suicide bombers” and “occupation,” it does make sense to update the language. Calling the human resistance “The underground” wouldn’t ring true, it would seem like an old movie. Calling them an insurgency (which they are from the Cylon point of view) makes it easier to identify with, easier to understand. From the human perspective, they’re simply resistance. Since there is only one way to
occupy “liberate” a nation through military force, there will be a lot of parallels between the German occupation of France and the U.S. occupation liberation of Iraq, and it will become easier and easier to slip in references to current events. Which of course kind of makes Ron Moore a liar, but hey, as long as the damn show is good and dramatic, I don’t care if they name the head Cylon George W. NumberFive.
By the way, don’t get me wrong, I’ve not gone moonbatty over Iraq. I still get it. I also still wish the action was being run by more competent warriors.
But anyway...I was pretty sickened by Tigh’s wife. Yes, at first she was redeeming herself because she finally used her pussy to help Tigh instead of hurt him. Then she went and gave up the location of the meeting. Which reminds me...over at TV Squad, Keith recapped the premiere (that link contains much spoilers!) was all “Is the Sharon with the insurgents the cause of the ambush on them?” Dude, you get paid to write about TV, the least you could do would be to pay attention! The priest forced Mrs.
Whorebag Tigh to find out when the next big meeting was. She stood in the room while Tigh, Chief and Anders planned where and when to meet BSG’s liason (Go good Cylon Sharon!). When Tigh said “This is the most important meeting WE’RE ever going to have” or words to that effect (I know he said “we") Mrs. Slutbucket Tigh assumed that Saul was going to the meeting, so she stole the map and passed it to her boytoy Cylon lover. Hence: ambush.
Speaking of Sharon at that meeting, how great is it that Adama is smart enough to use Cylon Sharon as a tactical asset? I truly believe she is on the side of humanity, and further I believe that all the Sharons can be turned against the Cylons. The empathy and sympathy needed to allow that model to fall in love is, from the Cylon point of view, the flaw in her programming. She can fall in love with humans. That means she can also like and respect them, which walks a line as it is when you are supposed to be warring with someone. Throw in the fact that the Cylons are committing atrocities with which the Sharons do not agree and you have a “flaw” that humanity can exploit if they can just stop seeing her/them as toasters for a minute. The Sharons are the key to humanity surviving this occupation and perhaps the key to humanity surviving at all.
Did I mention Grace Park being hot? Because she is.
Contrasting that wonderfulness from last night...Survivor, Racist Island isn’t racist anymore. It’s just frigging BORING. I only watched it because Donna wanted to see what happens. It’s a chore just to watch, so no, no more recaps. It completely sucked, and those recaps are a lot of damned work. Time better spent writing other insulting, filthy drivel, like maybe finally trying to get my ass back on track and do a podcast here and there. *cough*
Anyway, my point is, I actually dread the idea of watching Survivor, and I’ll pretty much watch anything, as evidenced by the fact that I intentionally downloaded and watched episodes of “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” Meanwhile, I would move time and space to get the entire third season of BSG all at once and sit there like a Hutt on a platform, watching every episode until my ass grafted itself to the couch and I had to shit into the springs.
So yeah...polar opposites of enjoyment, really.
Ryley R. Hayes left this comment, and I think it deserved to be elevated to the post, as it touches on the larger issue I think many are missing about the new direction of BSG
The humans, particularly their spiritual leader, are also shocked and outraged about the suicide bombing. That’s in pretty clear contrast to terrorists in Iraq
Absolutely true. I think that was a very important, redemptive point. Without that, it would have been hard to have a lot of sympathy for the humans. It goes to illustrate the many shades of grey in this show.
The Cylons are playing the part of the religious zealots who feel that any means necessary are justified to bring the truth of God to humanity. So, like BSG has ALWAYS been...there is good in the bad and bad in the good.
Battlestar has never been a clear place of good versus evil. Humanity continued to enslave the machines after they were self aware and disclosed a desire to be released from servitude. The Cylons wiped out most of humanity in a fit of machine-logic-fueled zealotry. Humans tortured and raped Cylons. Now the Cylons are cruelly occupying what is left of humanity and the humans are terrorists.
It’s not good guys and bad guys. It’s not even right versus wrong. It’s bad guys and bad guys, and the roles keep shifting between the two sides. If anything, Battlestar Galactica is an allegory for the modern American political landscape.
I saw some lefty bloggers atwitter with excitement over the “new BSG”...I also saw many righties talking about never watching the show again. All of those people are dead wrong. There are so many shades of grey here, so many layers of who did what to whom and why and when, that to claim it’s “anti-American propaganda” or “beautiful anti-Bush allegory” is purely ignorant. Look deeper, people. Use your brains and stop trying to make everything about red versus blue.
This is a grey world. Red or blue don’t enter into it.
Posted by JimK at 12:09 PM on October 07, 2006
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Categories: Television, Battlestar Galactica, Survivor_Cook_Islands
Tags: Battlestar Galactica Survivor Cook Islands
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Survivor: Cook Islands Week 3 - United Colors of Benneton are a lie!
WARNING: I intend to offend. When I say this will be offensive, I want you to take me seriously. I will be “translating” what Mark Burnett Productions are actually saying to the world when they air a particular edited segment of the show. If the very idea of racial humor offends you, get the hell away from this blog right now.
Do not waste time complaining to me afterwards. You were warned.
And now, my running commentary on Survivor: Whitey Wanna Subjugate Someone Island, Week 3.
We start with MBP (Mark Burnett Productions) showing us a clip of the black team dancing because they made fire.
Translation: “Look at the dancing monkeys, America! Look how silly those monkeys are, all excited over fire!”
And Prometheus wept.
Next, MBP shows us the white tribe recapping their difficulties making decisions as a group.
Translation: “When whitey has a problem, it’s a managerial issue, because we own everything, never forget that you mudpeople.”
MBP shows us the Hispanic tribe next and how they schemed to get rid of the fat one.
Translation: “See? These wetbacks can’t be trusted. They’ll lose the challenge just to kick one of their own out, and you trust them with your kids or your lawns?” Also, MBP reminded us that the desperate, fat, lazy, shiftless Mexican has a crush on the white girl, who wouldn’t piss on him if he needed the moisture after crawling across the desert for three days just to get to Los Angeles and take a job being chamois boy number three at Speedy Gonzalez car Wash on La Brea.
Then they show us that the Asian guy goes to Exile Island and succeeds. He finds the immunity token. Translation: Asians always succeed for fear of disappointing their ancestors, the sneaky yellow bastards.
Lastly, Burnett drives the stake through the fat one’s heart and reminds us that he was infatuated with a white girl who is above his station in life. Cue the world beat intro music!
Mark Burnett is truly a socially conscious and caring man. Best producer ever.
This Week’s Episode
We open on Aitu, the MBP PC term for “the wetback tribe.” Can I just say these are the whitest Latinos in human history? Jesus Christ, they couldn’t find anyone with an accent or dark skin to represent for our Hispanic brothers and sisters?
Shift to Puka, MBP shorthand for “slanty-eyed sneaky japs and gooks.” The crazy old Vietnamese guy rambles about war and college and shit. I think maybe he got some Agent Orange back in the old country. He’s not really coherent.
Slide over to Raro, which in MBP World is known as “Clearly Superior Due To Anglo Genetics.” I think if they could have called them “Arayantonga” they would have. Again, nothing interesting happens with the white folks, just like in real life.
Successful Asian Stereotype comes back from Exile Island, and they drop a surprise: We’re integrating! HELL NO WE WON’T GO! Smith vs The Board of Education was a travesty! Screw that! No integration! I’ll die before I let my favorite white Survivor cast member compete along side one of those darkies, wetbacks or slanty-eyed nips!
So they’re now splitting among the sexes. I may have committed to doing this recap shit too soon. I don’t care about this nonsense at all, I mean I already saw the Network Battle Of The Sexes in like 1978 or some shit. Adrienne Barbeau and her huge titties...now THAT was something to care about, I don’t care about these skank bitches and doofus nimrod guys...Oh shit, Hippy Dreadlocks just said she wanted to pick “the sister on the end.” And she said “sistER,” not sistAH.” Don’t she know white folk can’t be usin’ those words and shit? Who the fuck she think she be, fuckin’ Ricki Lake or some shit? Oh HELL no! Oh no she di’int! *snap*
The black woman with the cornrows just pointed to an Asian team member and said “Yellow!” Sweet. I know she meant the shirt, but fucking hell, I damn near spit my fruit punch at the monitor, and you KNOW black people love fruit punch, so it would be like sacrilege to waste it when black people are on the screen.
The men pick, and it’s boring because nothing racist happens. They leave crazy Vietnamese refugee guy as last pick.
The captains squeeze eggs and half are red, half are blue, so now there are two big tribes mixed up by race and gender, and Survivor just got fucking boring again. Raro is blue, Aitu is red. I swear they did this to avoid backlash...no fucking way was this the plan from the beginning. Otherwise all the race shit was 100% useless. Yes, it got them publicity, but no ratings...and they lost sponsors.
And there is our answer. Mark Burnett Productions and the network got together and decided that the sponsors were worth much more than whatever this experiment was supposed to be.
Raro has a roundtable discussion about how it’s a melting pot again. Yes, we get it. How about you stop hitting me over the head with that ham fist, Burnett?
Aitu gets to know each other...but just one more time, MBP makes sure we all know that Billy was a big fat Latin loser and the white girl wouldn’t have touched him with one of the Asian women’s sideways pussies. Sleep well, Billy! You suck and all of America knows it!
Pavarti is literally eye-fucking all the men on her tribe. Someone will be tapping that ass before this is over. Or multiple someones.
Jonathan tries to sell Hippy Girl on an alliance by saying “I think we can align with a couple of “The Asians.” It came out of his mouth in Capital Letters. She’s into not being white, dude. Haven’t you gotten that yet?
Yul and Becky are totally sticking to bloodlines and tribes...Yul straight out said it, “our backgrounds.” Maybe there’s racist hope for this show yet! Go go Yellow Alliance!
How come no one wants a black person in thier alliance? I mean, the one black guy left got an octopus with a spear. I will not make a spearchucking joke, because Mark Burnett Productions already fucking has. Pavarti looked at him like she wanted to drop to her knees and suck his big black dick right then and there. Jesus ever loving CHRIST, she’s a whore. She’s like Paris Hilton without the morals. (Yes! Another opportunity to work Paris Hilton jokes into blog posts. Man, I live for this shit.)
Here comes the challenge. I swear to God, this is my least favorite part of this show. This one they have to run around a circle in knee-deep water carrying 15lb. bags of sand. If you quit, you have to turn your bag over to another team mate, the goal is to catch the team ahead of you and tackle a member. It goes on, and on, and on…
Raro tackles Cao Boi. Where’s all that old world Vietnamese voodoo mystical bullshit? I thought he’d like, call the fish to carry him or some fucking thing, like a VC Aquaman!. This sucks.
Raro sends Billy’s true love to Exile Island. Are the producers going to make her hunt for an immunity idol that isn’t there? That just seems cruel to do, especially to the white girl. And besides, Billy will be heartbroken and try to mod an old 50’s car into a boat so he can immigrate his taco-loving ass onto Exile Island and save her from embarassment! I hope he uses a Chevy Bel Air.
Hippy Girl agrees to an alliance with the leftover members and that screws the Becky/Yul/Jonathan thing, then the whole thing starts. Everyone starts lying and scheming and backstabbing, but ultimately what comes to light is that Flicka, Hippy Girl? She’s really stupid.
At Tribal Council, Hippy Moron only makes me hate her more.
Remember, Yul said that he would save Becky with the immunity idol if she gets kicked off. Let’s watch!
And Cecilia goes home. Thus ends the great racial experiment for the time being. I feel like I should call Jesse Jackson and apologize for this post.
Why do I get the feeling Survivor is going to be boring next week?
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Survivor: Segregation Island is a go!
Yeah, I’ve decided I’m gonna snark the shit out of this show. I plan to offend everyone. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. :)
Friday, September 22, 2006
Misc. and Random
- I’ve been carrying like 4 cards, my ID and some cash wrapped in a thick hair tie for months now, and Donna bought me a monogrammed money clip with a little pocket for cards. It’s the softest leather *ever*. Thank you to the cow who died so that I could have somewhere to put my insurance card. I hope that you were used well, and tasted great.
- I am absolutely, positively not interested in writing anything about Survivor: Racist Island except viscious snark. Here’s my dilemma: The show deserves to be mocked, and mocked with great vigor and vitriol. As I watch it, I get about 6 million ideas that usually involve racist jokes. Not because *I* am feeling or being racist, but because the show is edited to be one huge stereotype-fest. Unfortunately there are only so many ways you can say “Oh look, they’re making the darkies look stupid and lazy again.” or “Ching Chang Chinamen make great engineers!” before people stop laughing and start accusing you of hating black and Asian people, so I feel trapped before I even get started. I just don’t have the energy to explain it week in and week out…
But. I had some damn funny ideas, and it seems a shame to waste them. Should I just write it up anyway? If I did it no holds barred, I might find the inspiration to do it consistently...otherwise the show is, as the subject of the next item would say, complete shit and I can’t be arsed to do it.
- Ricky Gervais’ Extras is frigging hilarious and so, so painful to watch. I kinda want to do his Scottish female friend there, I think it’s the accent.
- Subway is sometimes exactly what you want for dinner.
- CSI Vegas is going to piss me off this season if they keep doing these long, slow musical interludes with no dialogue. Lazy frigging writers.
- iTunes 7 is possibly the worst upgrade to any software that has ever been created. 6 point whatever was pretty good. Replacing 6 with 7 is like replacing Julie with a guy who punches women in the uterus as cruise director on the Love Boat.
Posted by JimK at 09:41 PM on September 22, 2006
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Categories: Entertainment, Television, Survivor_Cook_Islands, Other, Personal
Tags: CSI Extras Survivor cook islands Subway
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Survivor: Cook Islands Week 1 - Meet the tribes
It took me awhile to work up the desire to watch the first episode of Survivor, hence my lateness in starting the recaps. However, I’ll admit, they got my attention, so here we go…
The premise of this Survivor is that the teams are split into races: Puka is the Asian tribe, Raro is whitey, Hiki is black folk and Aitu are La Raza, the Hispanics. The show opens with what, I swear to god, looks like a slave ship transporting the tribes to the Cook Islands. They have two minutes to get anything they can carry off the ship, stiff like logs, chickens, machetes, etc. We meet the tribes one at a time.
Oh boy...Parvati (Raro) is one of those. You know...those types. Airheads. She’s all “Different ethnic groups? Is that...kosher?” Gee, I don’t know, Pavarti. Let me check and see if you’re getting Jewed out of anything by this racial division. Then again, Jew jokes are funny, that’s whay every person with a 64th of Jewish ethnicity makes ‘em. Maybe I’m being too hard on this boxer slash waitress. Maybe she’ll take off her clothes and make up for it.
Billy (Aitu) observes that Hispanics all come from Carribean places so they have a genetic advantage. Oh yeah? Well my ancestors came from an island and all I got out of it was a small dick and a love for booze and potatoes so fuck you.
We meet Cowboy (Puka), a man who came over as a refugee after the Vietnam war. He’s the “oddball” of the show, full of “old world” tall tales and ancient Vietnamese secrets, but bottom line? He’s my pick to win this thing from jump street. He’s not going to quit, he’s been through worse, he’s already an outcast according to him...he’ll just get shit done and spin tall tales about bad winds and the sprits of his ancestors. WHatever, dude. Just keep chopping shit open for food. The rest of the Asians don’t seem to like him, especially when he makes Asian jokes...gee, successful Asian-Americans who don’t like the un-ambitious, gregarious old-world Asian with a self-deprecatings ense of humor? Never saw that before.
Nathan (Hiki) informs us that black people don’t like to be told what to do. Yeah, because white folks and Hispanics love to take orders. :)
When we meet the white folks, we find an uncomfortable Abercrombie model, the airhead, a “sorority type,” a guy who thinks he’s funny and a total hippy chick. She calles herself “Flicka.” She’s actually dumber than the airhead as evidenced by the fact that she lost the chickens five minutes after they landed.
So, then we watch the tribes do stuff, like build shit and find water. None of this has anything to do with fanning the flames of racism, so it’s boring. Well, there was that one piece of editing that reinforced the idea that black men are lazy. Way to go, Mark Burnett! You’re a genius.
The sorority whore (Team KKK) is already trying to fuck the Abercrombie guy (also Team KKK).
Over on Team Sushi, Crazy Asian Mystic Man, (Cowboy) cured Brad’s headache by talking about wind. Actually the physical movements he did were the reason the headache went away, the rest was just “Look at me being old-country and shit” posturing. I don’t care...they guy gets things done, I’m telling you.
The challenge is long, ridiculous and too complicated to recap. All I know is the Asians won the fire kit. Those smart Asians… Anyway, Hiki lost. They get to send someone to Exile Island.
Seriosuly. Exile Island. What the fuck is this, a Pirates of The Carribean ride?
Anyway, they send Jonathan as retribution for stealing the Asian Team’s chicken. What a stupid move. Instead of sending one of the strong players form the winning team, they send a guy who contributed nothing to the third-place teams.
Hiki tribe (A.K.A Team Ghetto) is split along gender lines. Rebecca and Sundra are like two peas in a pod and Stephannie is with them. Gee. Black men don’t support their women. Never saw that stereotype on TV before. I fully expect baby daddy jokes any minute now.
Sekou is running game on everyone. He talks around the fact that he actually doesn’t know his ass from his elbow, but he talks his face off until you don’t notice. He’s all “I can build fire.” Really? When? You gonna get on that any time soon?
“Naturally the women will stick together, and the men will stick together that’s just natural.” It is? Maybe this is a cultural, social thing, because I don’t naturally bond with anyone based on gender. The very idea feels foreign to me. I bond with people who have something to offer.
They voted Sekou off...good. He was all mouth. All hat and no cattle.
Next week I’ll try to liveblog it...doing this after I watch the show just doesn’t work for me. If I’m going to be making racist snark jokes for the next upteen weeks, I need to be in the moment, man...in the moment.
So, see you next week, Survivor racists, and I BLAME THE JEWS! I don’t know what for, but what the hell, fill in your own Mel Gibson jokes here.
(Tracked back at Linkfest Haven)
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