The ladies that remain, and what we will forever remember them as:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Prediction: Destiney is so out of here.  Like that’s such a limb on which to go out, right?  Still, she’s gone.

- The recap: It’s all about Superworms at first, then a recap of Hombre not being sexy at all, then Daisy being the hottest Muppet in Muppet history.  Also, they want keeping the Vegas fighting in mind.

- Morning at the Double Douche ranch, and the whores arrive home from Vegas.  Breakfast with the Three Stooges.

- The house is so empty without the rest of the whores.

- BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Mandanna, v-neck pirate shirt, no medallion, light guyliner?  It must be gay pirate day.  Also he’s carrying scrub buckets for the ladies, along with the note.

You’re back from Vegas,
but the stakes are still high.
Still anyone’s game,
my girls never say die.
Get yourselves ready,
and clean up this place,
today’s adventure brings a familiar face.

They get an hour.  To clean the whole house?  That doesn’t even make sense by reality show fake-tv-time.  Hombre terrible-actresses her way through a confessional where she’s “nervous” and “doesn’t knwo what’s coming.” Christ she is the worst actress.  Acting-wise, Rose McGowan is Ambre as Judi Dench is to Jenna Jameson.  Although I suspect that for the right role, Ambre, like Jenna - and let’s face it, Rose McGowan - would take it up the pooper two at a time.

- Cue mawhn-tahge of cleaning.  So stupid.

- Doorbell.  Guess who’s coming to dinner?  Poppa Hombre.  It’s Ambre’s first realistically portrayed reaction to date.  Then she ruins it with a horrible confessional again.

- Holy ever-loving the Lord my God.  What the hell is this about?

Bret is like a Monet at this point.  Let me explain.  I like Monet paintings.  But, as the tired old joke goes, up close they are a mess.  They are meant to be viewed from a distance and designed, as the style implies, to give an impression of whatever scene by which Claude found himself captivated.  Bret Michaels has turned into an Impressionistic version of himself.  From halfway down the hall, in a fuzzy, compressed screengrab from a compressed video pulled of my already compressed TiVo, he sort of looks like Bret Michaels circa 1988.  He gives the impression of his former self.  It’s only when you get up close that you see the jowly face, the sunken, aged eyes and the line where that wig meets his scalp.

Bret?  Dude?  It’s better when you wear the bandanna. 

See what I mean? Total Monet.

- He tries to meet Poppa Hombre, but Dad won’t stop hugging his daughter.  John interjects a “Sir?” And then VH1 dubbed in the exact same “Sir” multiple times to make it seem like John kept asking.  It’s *so* stupid when they do shit like this.  You can hear it’s the exact same “sir” just copied three times.  Dumb.  It makes John look like an asshole, and it insults my intelligence.

By which I mean I insult my intelligence just be watching this fucking show, but I digress.  ;)

- Hombre says her daddy is a Southern conservative church-going man.  Oh.  Now I get why she’s still here!  Actress + almost eliminated storyline + conservative daddy!  Perfect recipe for storyline twists and some nice dramatic conflicts during parent’s week.

- Muppetface has a sad story.  Hasn’t seen her dad since 17, mom since 20.  Wait.  Hold the fucking phone.  A stripper with daddy issues from a broken home?  NO FUCKING WAY.  How is that possible?  I’ve never heard of such a thing.  That’s like saying Polish people like food involving cabbage.  Who ever heard of such a thing?

- Destiney’s family shows up.

Skeletor is fucking a mummy!  Jesus Christ, where’s Brendan Fraser when you need him?  Someone needs to smite these two before their evil plot to enslave humanity is fulfilled.  I always tell people to stay out of ancient tombs.  See what happens?  The potential destruction of the Earth.

- Douche says Destiney’s parents (Hereafter known as the Megaworms, or Poppa Megaworm and Momma Megaworm) are “biker hippy.” Yeah, I see that.  Mom’s in tye-dye, dad has a big gothic cross on his jacket.  Also, Poppa Megaworm has a face tat.

Deep Space Nine fan, or just a dumbass?  Do those spots go all the way down?  And am I now aroused by the thought of Jadzia while looking at Skeletor?  And do I hate myself and want to die now?  Yes.  yes I do.

Fucking Worf.  Super fighting badass, Barry White voice, bat’leth master and he got to trace Jadzia Dax’s spots.  Some imaginary scifi characters get all the luck.

Awesome-ometer; 1.

- The fams are chatting and Poor Muppetface is all ahh-wooonez.  I think she need a cock to cheer her up.  I wonder where in this house she could find an accessible cock on short notice.  Preferably one not wearing a merkin.

- The doorbell rings.  Ominous music.  Who will it be?  It’s Stephanie.  Stephanie is Charles’ sister.

She has a bit of the Susan Sarandon cougar look about her.  One suspects she was a bit of a hot tart in her younger years.  :)

OK, here’s the thing.  Muppetface is Oscar de la Hoya’s niece.  The last time we all saw him, he was in that crossdressing scandal that sort of wasn’t really a scandal at all. unless you are a prideful Latino male.  That Latino pride has sent him underground for awhile even though he denied the pics were real.

Now, consider the exposure that throwing a fat ton of cash at Oscar would result in.  A whole new level of press coverage.  ESPN would be reporting of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.  Oscar’s a professional who would probably do it for a fee; but if that wasn’t an incentive, sell it to him by saying that here is his chance to step up and be a man, a father to Daisy when her own father abandoned her.  here is a chance to show the world that Latino men take care of their families.  Tell him he can redeem the lost pride from some stupid dress-up pics by stepping up and being there for a member of his family.

Easier and probably more personal to Daisy to go with Stephanie, to be sure, but man, what a lost opportunity for the show, VH1 and Bret himself to gain exposure to a whole new level of audience.  So much of this shit is fake anyway, why not make a sound business decision?

- Douche is weirded out by the non-familial relationship.  Then we jump to a mawhn-tahge of last year’s parental nonsense with Lacey’s father. 

- Cut to: Hanging out with the rents in the animal print hell that is the main.game/living/great room of this gaudy, Africa-has-exploded-in-our-house nightmare they call a mansion. Time for drinks.  Poppa Megaworm has cancer and doesn’t drink.  Liver cancer, and he has six months to live.  This is getting a little heavy.  Time to lighten it up.  Poppa Megaworms brought pics of his latest custom motorcycle.

Pretty hot.  I like a basic, bad-ass Harley, although I’ll never be able to afford one.  Also, as Bret confessionaled, it means a lot that this guy is taking time out of his last six months to waste what little energy he has to come out to this show.  Too bad it won’t really matter as she’s about to get eliminated.  Lastly, I feel like a complete twat for calling him Skeletor now.

- Time for a BBQ.  Poppa Hombre lays Ambre’s age on Bret.  Flashback to the day she lied and said she was 32.  Douche-fessional: “Immediately, red flag.  I am wondering what the hell else Ambre has lied about.” Uhh, everything?  She’s an actress.  technically I suppose it’s not lying, it’s [JonLovitz] ACTING! [/JonLovitz] Commercial.

- We’re back.  We’re eating.  Bret is wearing this:

Why?  Because Bret Michaels is a douchebag, that’s why.

- Destiney and Bret are making stupid jokes about the size of the chicken breast.  We’re supposed to be concerned for Poppa Hombre.  Instead I’m concerned for the average IQ of the VH1 production team if they think this is good television.

Awesome-ometer; 2

- Oh no.  Bret is going to show them some performance footage from a new live video they’re doing.  Destiney leaps to her feet and starts gyrating and dancing like there’s a pole both in front of her and directly under her cooze hole. 

Douche is acting like he’s having a good time at first, whooping and whatnot, but as Hombre confessionals, he’s not into this act of Destiney’s at all.  Then he confessionals that he’s worried that Superworms came alive for Bret Michaels the rock star, and that she won’t love Bret Michaels off the stage.  He’s right, of course.  She’s a groupie.

- Time for a special date with Daisy & Stephanie.  Awesome-ometer: 3.  Superworms assaults him in the foyer before they leave for the date and tries to mouth-fuck Douche to death.  She’s very proud of her dick move.

- The date: The Rainbow Bar & Grill.  Only a matter of time before they went here, I guess.  Daisy has never been to any of the rock clubs in LA.  Douche starts asking about Charles.  He’s laying it out for Stephanie and again, says “he doesn’t buy it.” Muppetface drops some more info: He (Charles) cheated on her.  They were, in the middle of dealing with the “wall” that created when she decided to surprise Charles and come out here to be on this show.

That’s...odd.  And less than honest to both Douche and JuniorDouche.  Methinks I may have defended Daisy a bit too early when all of this came up a couple weeks ago.  Bret seems to agree via Douche-fessional.  He - and I - don’t believe that Daisy and Charles haven’t had sex in two years.  I think they were in the middle of an “on again” period when Daisy came home one day and said “Guess what?  I’m going to go try to fuck Bret Michaels.”

JuniorDouche wants his Muppetface back.

- Back to the house.  Worms sends her parents to bed and waits for Bret so she can tounge-fuck his face hole again.  Hombre and Poppa Hombre are chatting.  Dad asks Worms what her future plans are, and there was a telling moment where she talked about if she became “his girlfriend, or whatever, you know, his interest...” Heh.  His “interest?” You meant to say the regional franchise of the Pussy On The Road chain of easy-open pissflap dispensaries.  Whore.

Hombre confessionals that there was no mention of Bret in any of Destiney’s future plans.  True dat.

- Back to The Rainbow.  Awesome-ometer: 4.  Douche wants to know what exactly the deal is so he can get it straight in his mind.  Honestly (a weird thing to say in relation to this show, I know) I can understand that.  More bits and pieces are always coming out about this Muppet/JuniorDouche relationship.

Stephanie defends Daisy.  She says that Bret is thinking like a guy.  Since Daisy is female, the physical attraction between Daisy and Charles is dead because the emotional connection is dead.  Oh just fuck right off.  It annoys me to no end that people use their sex as an excuse to be overly emotional, or not emotional or whatever the excuse is.  I also hate the myth that women can’t be physically attracted to someone without an emotional attachment.  It’s bullshit.  People are physically attracted to other people that fit the criteria for what they find physically attractive.  Being attracted and acting on attraction are two completely different entities.

Your sex is neither a shield for bad behavior or an excuse to not do something.  It’s all in your head.

Sorry.  Pet peeve.  Didn’t mean to go off on a rant there.  Only yes I did.  Sorry for lying to you.

Douche believes it coming from Stephanie, I guess.  Douche-fessional that he’s not sure he can handle Daisy’s not being honest.  He doesn’t call her a liar, but, yeah, he does.  I like to think of it as Daisy having multiple levels of honesty.  Bret just took the elevator to Level 3.  Maybe if he fucks her hard enough during one of their hookups, he can ride the Truth-a-vator to Level 7: The Whole Story-town.

Commercial.

- Back, and it’s the next day.  Err...what happened when Bret came home?  Did Worms get a chance to rape his mouth again?  If not, why not?  THESE ARE THE THINGS WE NEED TO KNOW, VH1.

- Big John brings the note. 

There was a “fantastic families” in there.  Sweet, sweet alliteration… :) Destiney gets to go first, so she goes off to get ready.

- Stephanie and Poppa Megaworms are at the breakfast bar chatting.  You know what’s scary...for Destiney?  Stephanie looks better at her age, first thing in the morning, than Destiney ever has.

Pops sold his Harley back in the day when they first had her.  Aww...he’s a good dude.  And speaking of bikes, OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Jesus he’s a douchebag.  Anyway he’s taking Poppa Megaworms out riding.  Awesome-ometer: 5.  He’s got a nice fat custom bike waiting outside for him.  Awesome-ometer: 6.  Off to the tattoo parlor.

Tattoo guys always have the worst tats.  It’s like hairdressers.  They all have these horrible haircuts.  I don’t get it.

- Superworms plays this really smart.  She is trying to say that she only wants the logo done and not the words “Rock of Love.” That’s a smart decision.  That way it will be a personal reminder of her time here but it’s not a walking ad for “Rock of Love” for the rest of her life.  Douche tries to talk her into getting the words done.  He fucking knows he’s cutting her at this stage.  Yet here he is again, pushing another woman into marking herself as his property...he tells her that when Heather did it, she was fully committed to getting it down and showed no hesitation.

Jesus CHRIST...why would he say that?  Why is he trying to get her to do the words?  Just so that for the rest of her life, any man that sees it will know that he marked his possession and they are but mere second place finishers?  And why would he push this on a woman he god-damned well knows he’s about to kick off the show?

I mean he’s no Rikki.  It’s not like he’s forcing her to have sex, but for the love of fuck, this is just...misogynist, I guess.  A different kind of male domination power play.  Not as bad as what Rikki (allegedly) did, but almost as pathetic.

- It’s done.

Douche: “It’s not my name, but I’m dealing with it somehow.” Asshole.

- Back to the house.  They walk in and AGAIN he says “It’s not my name, as heartbreaking as it was...” He just won’t stop, which to me implies that it’s more than a joke.  He feels like she didn’t mark herself clearly enough as his, even though he doesn’t actually want her!

- Hombre’s turn.  her confessional is *especially* over-acted, telling us how she’s looking forward to this date.  One gets the feeling that she did a lot of summer stock theater right before she filmed these confessional segments.  Tine it down, honey, we can hear you in the back just fine.

- They go to TeruSushi.  It actually looks like somewhere I would want to go...unless the food sucks.  Locals?  Anyone ever been there?  It certainly looks the part, the building is very Tokyo in the Edo Period.

Awesome-ometer: 7.

- Amusing segment where Bret teaches Poppa Hombre to eat sushi.  Then Bret brings up the age thing where she said she was 32.  SuperActor Ambre Lake swings into action!  She over-reacts to the question with that face/mouth cover things she always does.  Her voice just ever-so-slightly breaks up in her confessional.  And then they go to commercial without dealing with it.  Wait, was that supposed to be a cliffhanger?  Oh.  Sorry VH1.  I didn’t realize.  Normally when something is a cliffhanger, the viewer gives one or two rat’s hairy asses.  Considering that Hombre looks every single day of her 37 years, the fact that everyone in this house is a lying piece of shit and the fact that Bret looks more like a basset hound than a sex god, who rightly gives a fat fuck?

Commercial.

- Sidebar: Wait a minute.  Was he trying to mark Destiney not so much for all men, but because he knows she;s a *Poison* groupie?  This way his mark is on her so if and when she gets backstage - and you know all these girls from this show are going to get free reign at Poison shows for a couple of years - if she gets backstage and let’s say she meets Rikki.  Poor her, but let’s say it happens, she gets summoned backstage and he’s seated on one of those ridiculous white couches and she’s on her knees blowing him.  As her head bobs down, what would he see?  Bret’s brand, that’s what.

I think I’m on to something there.

- Back to the show, and we’re talking about the age thing again.  She’s [Lovitz]ACTING![/Lovitz] again.

She told her dad that if the other girls ask, be evasive, but tell Bret the truth.  She told him that she was trying to protect her career.  And then she said some weird stuff about how “this si why my dad is here” and “I wanted my dad to meet you.” But earlier she said that she didn’t know what was happening today.

Baroo? (head tilt).  It really seems like she’s saying that she knew for a fact that her dad was coming here today.  But how would she know that?  She was supposed to be able to be eliminated at any moment.  She might never have made it to this episode.  Except that the script always called for her to be the one that wins it all after ALMOST GETTING ELIMINATED OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN YOU ALMOST SENT ME HOME BRET NOW WE’RE DATING OH MY GOD THIS IS SO WEIRD A GREAT STORY FOR THE GRANDKIDS blah blah fuck you Ambre I hate you and your lack of acting talent die in a fire.

- She overacts telling Bret that she’s fallen in love with him.  She overacts her confessional about how something so stupid could fuck up her chances to get a better career find true love.  Date over.

- Back to the house.  Douche gathers the rents.  He thanks them, and then trundles off to get makeup and eyeliner done for elimination.  That shit takes hours.  Ric baker is involved, I think.

- Dad-fessional from Randy, Ambre’s dad.  He feels like his daughter deserves “prob’ly better than Bret, but he’s a good guy.” Doh.

Awesome-ometer; 8.

- Ex-boyfriend’s sister-fessional from Stephanie: She hopes that she helped clarify “Chuck” and Daisy’s relationship.  “Chuck?” That guy gets called “Chuck?” Wow.  That’s a pretty big disconnect.

- Dad-fessional from Tommy, Destiney’s dad: He would be proud to welcome Bret into his family.  Apparently Momma Megaworms means about as much to this equation as the oil that leaks from those bike engines...could they have been more dismissive of her presence?

- The girls say goodbye to family.  Mawhn-tahge of goodbyes and chick-fessionals.  Cut to the chicks hanging out in the bedroom.

- Hombre needs to clear the air, or whatever.  She tells Worms she’s sorry for not saying something to Worms’ face, that she questioned if Destiney was here to give her heart to Bret.  Worms shocks the world by being reasonable and saying that she can’t tell Bret she is in love with him as she doesn’t know him that way yet.  DUH!  This whole fucking thing is shot over two weeks.  That ANY of these dumb bitches think they can fall in true love while cat-fighting it out with 29 other starfucking whorebags is ridiculous!  BUT...this is going to be precisely why Destiney is getting cut.  Bret requires you to subjugate....no, to subordinate your ego and your existence to his.  You have to be half-spineless and made of wet clay for him to want you...and she may be a lot of things, but apparently Destiney is neither spineless nor mold-able.  She’s speaking reason, and reason be damned, we got some pussy to get!

She’s such a cunt.  Ambre, I mean.  She’s getting Destiney to say this stuff so she can use it against her at elimination.  Watch.  She;s going to stop the proceedings and tell on Superworms.  When I call her a cunt, by the way, I mean that her character is a cunt.  After all, an actress can only play the role she’s given and follow her director’s instructions.

- So the other two are in love with Bret, according to them.  Daisy asks Destiney if she would be here if it was Jon Bon Jovi, or, and this was a weird leap to make, John Stamos.  John Stamos?  What the fuck?  What do Jon Bon Jovi and Uncle Jesse have in common?  And how sad is it that there is a whole generation of people who equate the name “Uncle Jesse” with Stamos and not Denver Pyle.

Superworms can’t answer the question.  Commercial.  FUKCING FINALLY elimination time!

- Eliminations.  All the stooges, all lined up:

Two of them look like various kinds of moms and one of them looks like she will fuck you silly and leave you broke, spent and satisfied afterwards.  I’m just saying.

- Elimination-fessionals: Daisy thinks Worms should GTFO, Hombre doesn’t regret telling Douche she wuvs him and Worms thinks it’s too late.  Douche says he “doesn’t know” who he’s gonna eliminate.

What am I, a dimwitted moron?  Like I can’t see this setup a mile away?  Like I can’t see that he’s going to on-the-spur-of-the-moment pick Destiney to eliminate based on whatever drama is about to unfold.  Oh, and John isn’t carrying passes.

- Douche thanks them for allowing him to be a part of their lives.  GUY FUCKING LINER HOLY SHIT.

- He starts with Hombre.  he loves her drive and ambition and intelligence.  The downside is that he fears that her drive could turn their relationship into a business relationship.  DUDE THEY’RE ALL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP!  YOU MARK WHORES AND KEEP THEM ON THE DANGLE UNTIL YOU CAL THEM!

- He loves that Destiney is a wild child, and that he was blessed to meet her father.  The downside: OK, I have to quote this as it was not actually in English.

“The downside...I feel that in your life there is a possible transitional period right now, and I just wanna make sure that in this moment in my life that we are just connecting at the wrong time.” Really?  You want to make sure that you are connecting at the wrong time?

I know what he meant, but man, that turned out the opposite of how it sounded in his head.

- Daisy’s turn; Physical connection.  He loves her creativity.  His concerns are her “walk in garage” of skeletons to get through and that he might not be through all of them.

Douche says “Daisy is there anything, anything at all you wanna tell me.” And there is.  PAUSE THE TIVO!

For the fucking love of fuck, I really hope she’s going to be the one to drop a dime on Destiney and that this isn’t another secret of hers.  What’s left?  She believes aliens built the pyramids?  She wants to let scientists implant a baboon in her womb because she’s always dreamed of a half-human, half-baboon baby with a bright red ass?  Please tell me this is a narc moment.  One more secret and I’m gonna track this chick down and kill her myself.

- And the one thing is: Yep.  Destiney’s thing.  Ambre confirms it, and uses her “I’ve given everything” line again.  Bitter in-fighting starts...they start in on her about not answering if she’d be here for another star .  Destiney admits that she auditioned for the first season like that is some kind of proof that she really wants Bret.

Wait, that’s not fair.  Actually there are two sides to that:

1. It could demonstrate that she just wants to be on TV.  If it was Rock of Love with Bobby Dall, she’d be there too.  She wants to fuck someone in Poison.
2. It could demonstrate that she really wants to get to know Bret specifically, so much that she was willing to humiliate herself after being rejected last year.

She reiterates that she cannot say that she’s in love with him, but she cares and has feelings and is willing to do whatever it takes to take it to the next level.  Again, please allow me to use my $0.50 vocab word and stress that this may be a reasonable, adult position to take, but it will kill her chances because Bret rquires that your existence be subordinated to his if you want to be in orbit around Planet Michaels.

That’s probably half the reason that he and Rikki and he and CC have had so many problems over the years.  They too wish to be the centers of their respective universes, but Planet Bret is a bigger ball of rock.  No pun intended.

Commercial.

- We’re back.  Douche looks like he’s smelling cheese.  “Two girls told me today that they are falling in love with me.  One girl told me she was loving the experience.” Then he calls worms down.

Awesome-ometer: 9.  DOUBLE AWESOME...Awesome-ometer 10.  Double digits.  Rock and fucking roll, peoples.

The Worms is OUTTA HERE.  He gives hers that “you r tour ends here” gimmick.  Douche-fessional that she needs a few more years to party - and spend time with her father.  he walks her out and he’s crying.  All together now.  1...2...3...AWWWWWWWW!

- He comes back in and says that he’s happy that he has two beautiful girls that he cares about.  Next episode: Awesome trip to Cancun...and another double-awesome!  Awesome-ometer: 12, and that;s the first double double-awesome in a single episode, folks.  And You. Were. There.

- They step off the hot seat, give him a double hug and Douche has to get that one-sleaze-step-too-far line in.

“This could work.  This feels right.” Always reminding us that he can get chicks and always being a little bit sleazy.  God bless Bret Michaels.  Or damn him.  whichever.

- Scenes from the next: Cancun.  Finale.  Hombre overacts.  The chicks argue.  Bret fucks ‘em both.  He picks one.

This episode was dedicated to Destiney’s dad:

You know, I have to say, it’s probably appropriate to an old biker that the last image most of the world will have of him is cruising down an LA street on the back of a big fat hog.  Good for you, Tommy.  And I apologize for wanting Brendan Fraser to smite you.  But I get the feeling you would have laughed.

- There’s no way I’m blogging the “Lost moments” special.  Unless we see graphic footage of KayJay masturbating with root vegetables, or something equally as noteworthy.  Maybe then I’d blog it. Barring that, see you next week for the big finish!

Less

When we last left the crew, Tigh, Tory Foster, Anders and Chief Tyrol were listening to some Dylan and finding out they was toaster-riffic.  See also Starbuck risin from the dead and Jesus Baltar scurrying away.

The episode/season picked up precisely there, right in the middle of everything.  Random thoughts, the day after we watched:

- Starbuck in a brand-spanking new beautiful Viper claiming she woke up orbiting earth. What the frack?  My only guess is wormhole physics.  Hence the reason that “Watchtower” was able to get through, otherwise time becomes too much of an issue.  She found a wormhole/thin spot in the fabric of space/time, and who the hell knows which version of her - or her ship - is actually back.  I do not think Starbuck is a Cylon.  I think they are making it way, way to easy to think she’s the last one.  Could be a double bluff, but I just think it’s lazy.  kara already hates herself, how would this be any different?  Now, destroying her further by making Zack a Cylon and she has to kill him...or try to...now that’s some shit for Thrace’s ass.

- Massive dogfight sequence, which was really awesome to see again.  I *love* these ships, Colonial and Cylon alike.

- Jesus Baltar.  Need I say more?  This fucking guy has the worst best luck ever.  I mean, sure he’s hated by 99.97623% of all remaining humans and a large portion of the Cylons as well, but could he come up smelling like roses more frigging often?  Get jumped in the toilet by murderous parent intent on revenge?  No worries, mate, Hottie Cultist #351 will beat your assailants to death with a pipe.  Cult member’s kid dying of viral encephalitis?  No worries.  You just say a prayer and he’ll be fine, dude, then they will all believe you are Jesus.  More pussy for you, my friend.

- Anyone else catch that Laura is staying in Bill’s quarters?  I smell old people sex.  Well, not literally smell it.  Ben Gay and KY.  Eww.  No, I mean look for a whole future episode based around the very non-Ozzy and Harriet scenarios that living situation will conjure up.

- I like where Tigh’s defiance about his nature is going.  He’s been fighting demons his whole life, and when push comes to shove, he always makes the right decision...eventually.  The scene in CiC where he shot Bill in the face was great, as was his absolute defiance about who and what he is.  He’d rather die than help the Cylons even if he is one.  It raises all these nature/nurture, will versus instinct type questions.  Can you choose to be human?  Is there something special about the Final Five that allows them to make decisions rather than follow programming?

- Fucking Starbuck.  She can’t just knock on Roslin’s door and say ‘Ma’am I really really need to speak with you about these jumps.” and based on their shared experiences with the arrow and religion and the tomb and map and shit, convince Laura to listen to her.  No, not Starbuck.  She has to throat-chop two Marines, knock her husband out with a pistol whipping and then go threaten Laura at gunpoint.  That’s Starbuck for you.

Problem here is, I’m not sure what I want to see.  I want them to get to earth so I can see what happens, but if I’m thinking about them as people I care about, Laura’s caution is warranted and she;s probably making the right decision.

- One minor writing complaint.  When they are standing by the memorial wall, Kara says to Anders that she worries she was grown in a Petri dish.  I realize that I’m probably the only person watching who thought of this as a flaw, but Petri dishes were named after a specific person.  Richard Petri invented them in 1887.  It’s kind of stupid to think that they also had a guy named Petri who happened to invent a little dish for growing shit in a lab.  A better line would have been “Is it possible that they grew me, another me, in a test tube” or “in a lab somewhere.” Saying “Petri dish” is too Earthy.  It shook me out of the moment.  Not for long, though.

- The position Lee is talking about in the government.  Vice President?

- It seems like most of the major players are coming around to the idea of accepting Cylons as “one of us.” Save for Starbuck of course, who told AndersCylon that if she ever found out he was, well, what he is, she would put a bullet in his fracking head.  See?  This Zack idea I keep kicking around would be AWESOME.  And note that Lee and Bill were specifically discussing what would happen if Zack came back and was a Cylon.  And the guy that played Zack in the flashback way back when?  His agent refuses to comment on whether or not his client is working on the show.

I’m just saying.

All in all I REALLY enjoyed this episode.  Tons of shit happened, loads of forward progress.  LOVE love love the space battle and the fight in the bathroom.  One weird thing I’ve noticed is that the vast majority of great BSG episodes feature the bathroom.  Weird.

Looking forward to more.  If they can maintain half of this episode’s forward momentum, excitement and intrigue, I will be fracking thrilled.  BSG feel like it’s back.

So say we all. (?)

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Some of this stuff is known to long-time readers who read my Rock of Love posts, but some of it is not.  I’ll try to be brief with the backstory.

Donna (my wife for those of you who found this through a search engine) used to run with a crew of girls back in the 80s.  One of the bands they followed all over the country was Poison.  None of these girls were groupies.  They called themselves “professional fans” meaning they loved the bands but would NOT blow roadies or sleep with tour managers for passes, etc.  They didn’t even sleep with band members.  They either got passes and free tickets by being friends with people or they didn’t get them at all.  It was a point of pride that none of them were groupies.  They had a code of conduct and everything.

Years go by.  Some of the girls stayed in touch and still went to shows with each other.  Often, actually.  Fast forward to 2001.  Donna was in a brief period of health between the shit of 2000 and the shitstorm that was to come (we didn’t know the shitstorm was coming, but that’s not important to this story).  She was going to a few shows in the Northeast with some members of the old crew.  One of them was Poison, in Saratoga at SPAC.  They were all members of the various fan clubs, knew tons of people on the tour, etc.  Donna’s best friend Danielle even had a Poison laminate.  Not a pass, a fucking laminate.  That’s as good as being crew.  All access and shit.  She was the absolute top of the food chain of the non-whore fans.  In fact she came first in the eyes of many of the crew and band even before some of the groupies that put out.

Danielle drove the crew to this concert.  Danielle always drives.  She never flies (massive, crippling phobia about it), and she always drives everyone else in her car.  The few shows I went to with Danielle (mostly wrestling shows when we were getting comped front row seats!) she drove...and *I* usually drive.  But not if Danielle is going.  Danielle drives.  This is important later.

Now, as can happen, one of the girls got close to Rikki and became his regional piece of ass. Not right away, mind you.  Before the events of this night they had not slept together.  She thought this was a relationship, but I mean, she was young and he was a Massively Important Rock Star™.  It’s easy to get blinded to reality in that kind of situation.  She was NOT groupie-ing her way around or anything.  They knew each other forever and a day.  Rikki decided that he was going to put her in the rotation.  She thought it was True Love™.  Let’s call her Rikki’s Girl.  Not her real name, obviously but she doesn’t know this story, and in the effort of trying to spare her feelings I hope that little ruse keeps her from finding it on Google.  I doubt it, but hey, if you are reading this, Rikki’s Girl, please know that everyone was only trying to keep you from feeling even worse.  Your only mistake here was trusting him.

The setting: Saratoga Performing Arts Center, Saratoga Springs, New York.  It’s post-show, and Donna, Danielle and Rikki’s Girl are waiting to get backstage and see the band.  if you’ve ever done that, you know the drill.  It’s a lot of sitting around waiting fro them to shower, or drink, or masturbate or whatever rockers do to decompress before the meet and greet segment of the evening.  It’s usually a room filled with the same faces all the time - differing usually only by geography, each area has a crew of regulars and friends - and some staff to keep an eye on them.  This crew, headed up by Danielle, is known to *everyone*.  I mean every crew member and manager and band member knows when these fans are in the building.

More backstory: Rikki’s Girl has been having issues with Rikki for some time and is emotional as fuck.  The specifics escape me, but I’m sure Donna will comment and fill in what I am missing.

Big John, the same one from the TV show, comes into the waiting area and tells Donna, my wife, that Rikki wants to see her.  Alone.  She’s very confused by this.  This is what they call a “summoning” and cannot be good.  Rikki’s Girl is *right there* and Rikki - and John - know this.  Donna tries to beg off, but John is insistent.  Rikki’s Girl gets really huffy and says “Have a good time.” Dripping with sarcasm and also pain, as it is she who is supposed to be “summoned.” Rikki’s Girl is pretty much dating Rikki at this point, and in her mind she’s damn near engaged.  Remember, they have NOT slept together yet.

Donna walks through the halls telling John she doesn’t want to go, she’s not comfortable with this, etc.  She never says “Please get me out of this” but John picks up on the vibe *immediately* and tells her reassuringly to not worry, everything will be OK.

She enters Rikki’s private room.  The way she tells it, it was a ridiculous site.  Some sort of almost Roman setup with two huge white couches and the room all decked out, and Rikki draped over the sofa like he was some sort of emperor/sex god.

Big John doesn’t leave the doorway.  That’s clue number one that something isn’t right.  John works for the band, sure, but he’s Bret’s guy, not Rikki’s.  He doesn’t take orders from anyone easily, but especially not from anyone who isn’t Bret.  Rikki shoots him some “Fuck off” looks and John just stands there, pretending to investigate thin air.

Donna is on one couch, and Caligula Rocket the other.  He starts macking on her.  Trying the smooove rocker talk and whatnot.  She waves her wedding ring at him and shoots John a look.  Rikki eventually slithers over to her couch and Donna starts backing away.  I know I am missing huge swaths of the sleazy nature of Rikki’s behavior, but I know Donna will fill this stuff in later.  I know she talked at length about how slimy and sleazy he was and how he made her skin literally crawl, and how she was utterly and completely grateful to Big John for never leaving the room.  Suffice it to say Rikki was a pressure machine.  He’s quite clearly the type to badger and berate and cajole and push until you are worn down and just say “yes.” in order to get out of there before the sun rises.

He’s also never spent time alone in a room with Donna before.  He doesn’t know that her boobs may be made of silicone and she may be a hottie who looks like the type you can manipulate, but her spine is made of case-hardened steel, and when she decides something isn’t going to happen, you better be prepared to move the earth three feet to the left and go the fuck around if she’s in your way, because she’s not moving.

At this point she launches into a full-on lecture about how Rikki is mistreating Rikki’s Girl and exactly, step-by-step, how he is going to god-damned well rectify this situation, oh and by the way he should be ashamed of the shit he just tried to pull.  John is doing whatever he can to not laugh.

The entire time, he keeps taking smallish steps toward the couch and not backing up.  Step, stand, watch.  Step, stand, watch.

At this point Rikki knows that this is not going how he planned.  He starts asking what he’s supposed to do about Rikki’s Girl and Donna turns into relationship counselor.  Somehow the conversation also includes a brief incident between security and Danielle.  Remember, Danielle has a laminate.  She’s one of the trusted.  A real friend of the band, and not someone that can be fucked with by stadium or even the band’s security.  Big John seizes this opportunity to move right up next to the couch and whip out his notebook, taking down the details of what happened, who fucked with Danielle, etc.  Then he stand there.  Right there.  And doesn’t step back.

Donna closes with telling Rikki that he’s going to call Rikki’s Girl in and he’s going to talk to her and work shit out

A few minutes later and John escorts Donna back to the waiting area.  She’s pissed at Rikki’s Girl from that “have a good time” line, mainly because she thinks that Rikki’s Girl should know her better than to assume that A. She would cheat on me, and B. That she would screw Rikki knowing that Rikki’s Girl was emotionally involved with him.  However, she decides that now is not the time.  When Rikki’s Girl asks what happened, Donna knew that if she told her, this girl was going into full meltdown.  Instantly a whole story sprang from her lips, one that excised the sleazy moves he put on her. Instead Donna said that they talked about Rikki’s Girl (sort of true) and he was asking Donna’s advice on how to patch things up and so forth (less true but not entirely false) and he was going to call for her any minute now.

Tears clear up.  Sniffling slows down.  Emotional breakdown averted.  John comes in and gets Rikki’s Girl.  They don’t see her for frigging hours after that.  Remember; Danielle drives.  So she;s Rikki’s Girl’s ride home. 

Donna calls me at some ungodly hour of the night to tell me all about the evening and bitch about Rikki’s Girl making them all wait.  I don’t remember how long we were on the phone but it was forever.  I told them that after so many hours she’d forfeited her right to her ride sticking around.  The venue kicked them out for fuck’s sake!  They’re waiting in the SPAC parking lot like idiots while Rikki’s Girl is getting to know Rikki’s birth name.  I mean, I know when you are going to shows with a crew that you never leave a man behind, but there are limits, and making someone sit in a parking lot until three or four in the fucking morning or whatever it was, that’s over the line IMHO.

But they waited for her.

So we’re on the phone and the tour buses roll up.  All of them.  Straight up to Danielle’s car.  Donna says to me on the phone “I gotta go.  The tour buses just pulled up to the car.” Well shit on me...that’s something you don’t hear every day.

Rikki and Bret travel on the same bus - or did then anyway - and that bus pulls up right next to the car and Rikki’s Girl pops out.  Turns out Rikki was just going to send her packin’ after the reaming, but Bret was pretty insistent that they not leave her to wander around looking for the car.  He volunteered the bus to drive her around until they found Danielle & Donna.  Sometimes he’s not a douche bag.  It really didn’t cost Bret any effort or anything, but still, it was a hell of a lot better treatment than Rikki was giving Rikki’s Girl, so that has to count for something.

They made her sit in the trunk part (it was a mid-sized SUV) the whole way home as punishment.  ;)

To this day, Rikki’s Girl has no idea that Rockett put the moves on Donna just minutes before she finally slept with him.  She did get something that night to keep forever, aside from her memory of the event though.  An STD..

So...that’s why I believe that Rikki Rockett is the type to push and push and potentially *take* sex when he wants it.  He uses women, and I have no doubt that he would take totally advantage of a young, star-stuck girl by getting her drunk off her ass and then basically date-raping her.  I have no doubt he would pull all those physical moves to block someone from leaving his hotel room: the arm grab, the “stand in the doorway” block, the whole thing.  I can see him pushing and pushing at ever step, hearing the word “No” as a challenge to try to overcome.  Throw booze on top of his massive ego, and what might be a real, “Don’t do this to me” no gets heard as “She really wants me to talk her into it, I’ll just push a little harder and get a little more physical and she’ll come around.”

Did Rikki Rockett rape a girl in Mississippi?  I don’t know.  I know that based on the couple of times I met him, and everything i know about the people who have known him much better and far longer, it’s possible.  I would lean more toward believing it than defaulting to a “He would never do that” position.  Mostly when I think of this story, I think about the fact that Big John refused to leave my wife in a room alone with Rikki.

Why?

I know this: I’m damn appreciative of the fact that he stood guard.  if I ever meet him I will shake his hand, both for his service as a Marine and for watching over my wife one night in Saratoga Springs.

*UPDATE FROM DONNA*
This is Donna peeking her head in at Jim’s request to clear up any factual errors or add in any important details to the “Saratoga Story”, as we’ve all taken to calling it. What happened that night in Saratoga is actually one of the big reasons why many of us still in the Poison fan camp stopped or slowed our going to shows, and certain related events in later years stopped many of us dead cold, including me. To my knowledge, Rikki’s Girl, who has been a friend of mine since 1989 (that’s *eleven years* going strong when the events at Saratoga took place) still doesn’t know what happened, and after all this time I’d still like to keep it that way. However, hon, if you do read this, please know that the only reason I didn’t tell you was out of love for you and the desire to keep you from hurting any more than you were that night.

Okay, first off a quick correction. Danielle, still my best friend in the world and a force to be reckoned with, was NOT the girl with the laminate that night. Danielle got her laminate on a subsequent tour - it was our very good friend Jen who had the VIP laminate. Jen lived in Texas and used to fly up to do the NE circuit with all of us, and since she did we only needed the one laminate and Jen had for that tour.

Jim’s got the essence of the story right but the order and details a bit off. After the show in Saratoga, our little crew all went to catering, which was where Rikki was holding his meet and greet. Rikki has had a little thing for me for years - he always has to hug me and kiss my cheeks repeatedly, always in that creepy way where he holds you just a little too tightly and too long and his hands move to strange places. Well, when he saw me that night it was the same routine, which I grudgingly put up with mostly for Rikki’s Girl and not to rock the boat. After he had moved on to other fans his handler, a guy everyone calls “Smoothie”, tapped me on the arm and said that Rikki had asked if I wanted to stay after everyone left and hang out for a while.

Now, here’s where my ignorance kicked in. Being off the market for so long I had literally NO idea that “hang out”, used in that sense, meant “have casual sex”. I thought it meant… well… hang out! To add to that, I know from other shows that Danielle and the girls attended that Rikki often asked them all to stay behind to talk more at length, so I honestly thought this was a simple “hey, do you and your posse want to stay and talk bit?” I reminded Smoothie that I was with Danielle and Rikki’s Girl and Jen, and he said he had meant all of us, Rikki wanted to see all of us. So I said sure and I would pass the message to Danielle, which I did. So, after everyone left catering, it was down to the small lot of us, just waiting. Which, of course, is when I was summoned.

Jim got the details of the actual summoning down right. I protested, Rikki’s Girl burst into tears, and on the trek to Rikki’s room I made it known to Big John that I was married and this wasn’t what I was into AT ALL. He reassured me and since Big John has ALWAYS been a wonderful man and someone to trust, I put my faith in him and walked in the room.

Yup, just like Jim described it. Rikki draped on one couch and the other positioned for sex. I turned to John and mouthed “help” at him. I swear I had to have been grey at this point. John very quietly said “don’t worry” and parked himself in the room, near the door but completely unmovable. I took a seat as far away from Rikki as I could and proceeded to launch into a detailed discussion about the weather. No, I’m not kidding. Rikki started shooting glares at Big John to leave already but John refused to budge. He kept his eyes firmly on me and as Rikki began to slime his way towards me John slowly inched closer to the couches. I brought up the fact that Danielle was given a load of grief by a member of venue security and John moved in like a shot. He pulled out a notepad and took detailed notes about who the person was and what happened, adding “NO ONE messes with Danielle!”. But here’s the great part - after he moved in closer to take notes he didn’t return to his place near the door. He stayed nice and close, as Rikki had already slithered from his couch to mine and was dangerously close to me. JOHN WOULD NOT LEAVE ME. I dearly love him for that.

Finally Rikki managed to worm his way right next to me, draping his arms around my back. I told him I knew he and Rikki’s Girl were together and that I had been friends with her for eleven years. He just leaned into me, hands about ready to land in very nasty places, and asked me if I wanted to “hang out” with him alone for a while. It was disgusting and slimy and full of pressure. If I had not been a friend of the band or drunk or unattached I could easily see how a pretty young thing could say yes to this and not understand what she was getting into. I, however, have not only been around the block several hundred times but, you know, I’M MARRIED. I literally stuck my left hand about six inches from Rikki’s face and said, loudly and firmly, “I’m married, so whatever you think is going to happen here just isn’t. NOTHING is going to happen here.”

Rikki backed away as if I’d maced him. I was now wholely pissed and did in fact begin lecturing him like a high school student about his behavior and how badly he was treating Rikki’s Girl. Rikki’s Girl is diabetic, and at the last show she had gotten drunk and had some insulin problems, leading to her having a crying breakdown on Rikki, which I guess embarrassed him enough for him to want to “get even” with her by sleeping with me. I told him he was being a petulant child and to deal with their problems and that his attitude generally sucked. I was on a real roll, and I could see John trying very hard not to start laughing in Rikki’s face. I stood up and told him I would tell Rikki’s Girl to expect to be called in here and he agreed. Upon my standing Big John glued himself to my side and escorted me out, telling me I had done great.

When I got back to catering Rikki’s Girl was a sobbing mess and everyone in the room was trying to console her. I made the split decision to not tell her what had happened and did just what Jim said. The rest of the details Jim has exactly right - it was about five AM when the buses pulled up to Danielle’s car at Bret’s insistence. And it’s the little things like that that Bret has done over the years that keep me from hating him or thinking he’s completely lost it. And you will NEVER EVER hear me say a bad word about Big John. He was a saint to me that night and I wish I could thank him again for everything he did. I love Big John and whatever you may think about Bret, please don’t transfer it to Big John.

Okay, now I’ve rambled for an hour and I’m sure this post is WAAAAY too long, but there you go. The Saratoga Story. Do I know that Rikki raped a girl? Of course not. But I fully and completely believe it could have happened, because I was there and I know how he operates. He is a sleazy, slimy, persistent, and frankly a repulsive person who I could easily see pressuring a girl into doing things she never had any intention of doing. I saw a dangerous predator that night and I won’t forget his face. So, yes, I think he could have done it, and I speak as someone who has looked into his eyes and knows what’s there. It isn’t pretty.

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